For Tenured Samson Guys, Church Can Seem Awfully Saccharine

Being reared in a megachurch (First Baptist Church Jackson) with the pedigree of a Huckleberry Finn, I simply stood back in awe of the spectacle, masses and outstanding preaching.  As a teen, I was there during the late '80s when Dr. Frank Pollard (Senior Pastor) was in his prime (during his second appointment there).  We attended both Sunday mornings and evenings, giving nary a second thought to driving all the way from humble (back then) Madison to downtown Jackson twice (+/25 minute car ride) on The Lord's Day.

Church provided teen Rob (only child) with so many good opportunities to be cared for by adults who weren't Bob and Darlene.  Therein, I was lassoed in by the gospel at the tender age of 13.  In many ways it was religiously idyllic.  Especially considering the setting being Mississippi.

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Today, Samson Society provides the caring adults who support Rob, done so at a level (appropriately so) that's far more nuanced and intentional.  

So where does that leave church?

Church, to me, is like going to the Y for a workout or down the Reservoir multi-purpose trail for a run.  It's time well spent, but mostly, it's routine more than anything else.  

Now, we tithe our 10% every month, and I sing in the Chancel Choir for both the Christmas and Easter cantatas, and I will keep doing that.  

But, I don't work hard to make close Presbyterian friends, participate in either the domestic or overseas mission projects or aspire to become a deacon / elder at Lakeside Presbyterian Church.  

Hence, some Sundays can be monotonous and thereby fatiguing.  

But, there is one regularly scheduled church programming event (Fall / Spring) exception to this.

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One of the things I really like about our little community church is Wednesday nights.  And not just due to the food line ("Family Night Supper").  

When I was in late elementary school, Bob & Darlene would bring me to megachurch (First Baptist Church Jackson) for Wednesday evening service, and though the food was great, everything else about it sucked.  

Primarily this had to do with the facilities, which were vast, but on Wednesday evenings, the attendance numbers were miniscule compared to Sunday mornings.  Hence, the megachurch building felt daunting and frozen due to its emptiness.  

As such, their formality was amplified that much more.  

After that singular year (1985?), we discontinued attending Wednesday megachurch services because none of us liked it one bit. 

Fast forward to today, and there's no doubt that Lakeside Pres' facilities are on the opposite end of the spectrum.  They're not even, by definition, modest.  Haphazard is the best descriptor I can think of.  Yet, in so many ways, it's a perfect reflection of the community it serves, and this is due to the fact that the Reservoir area is such the Hodge Podge free-for-all / redneck resort paradise of the Jackson Metro.  

Today, Wednesday nights at Lakeside Pres are typically jammed packed with middle to upper middle-class Presbyterians, easily stretching the seams of the '70ish facilities.  It's borderline raucous.  And I like that about it because it doesn't - in the slightest - reek of church.  Plus, there are even a few occasions where Bible studies are enacted, following dinner, that are well worth the weekday evening invested. 

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My wife, Angie, isn't involved in The Sarah Society (a women's equivalent to Samson Society), therefore her relationships at Lakeside Pres are (aspiringly) tantamount to the ones I enjoy via Samson.  Therefore, on Sunday mornings, she lingers far longer than I do - after the service - to chat meaningfully with her friends.  Angie's also far more likely to interject prayer requests during Sunday School, and she frequently attends a ladies' breakfast gathering amongst her middle-aged (& a few older) peers.

Angie loves Lakeside Pres.  In fact, were she forced to choose between it and her husband, I'm pretty sure she'd choose Lakeside Pres.  

And that makes me really happy because I believe church today is mostly geared towards women and meeting their spiritual needs.  In conclusion, finding one where my wife feels communal makes me one quite content Samson guy.     

"What Are You Doing?"

Angie walked in on me masturbating a few evenings ago.  I was in my usual spot in our bathroom, seated in front of the full-length mirror which is affixed to the rear of our toilet room door.  I'd gotten out of bed quietly before slipping into the bathroom, stripped down (I only wear skivvies to bed), lit a candle and gone to work.  

"What are you doing?"  

For the past 26-years of our marriage, this has been her knee-jerk response to every single unexpected masturbation encounter.

"I'm masturbating."

This was all I knew to say.

From there, she admitted needing to pee.  Hence, I scooted my petite chair over enough for her to get by.  She peed and then returned to bed.

Within five or so minutes, I could hear her quiet snores.  And then I returned to it.

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For many wives, an encounter like this one (between themselves & their husbands) would have wielded a much different response.  But for Angie and I, her tepid response is rooted in how insignificant sex is for she and I as husband / wife.  And, it isn't like we're anomalous in this regard.  I believe most middle-aged couples (who've the tenure she and I do), have built their marriages on far more significant experiences than jumping up and down on top of each other, performing cunninlingus / fellatio.

Too, Angie had a stroke a few years back.  A stroke which has left her disabled.  As such, she is not the same physically as she was prior to (5/29/00).

And, I really benefit from bisecting myself (via reflection) whilst occasionally masturbating.  It helps me to offset that void.  

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The next day she asked me what chair I was using to sit in whilst masturbating.  I told her, and she was not at all happy.  

"Keep your nasty butt out of my chair."

  

"Will You Be My BFF If I Suck Your Dick / Sodomize You?"

The Internet - URLs, apps for pocket computers - gives us exceptionally easy opportunity to splinter into tribes.  And these tribes can be built around all manner of mutually agreed upon tropes, but in the end, their purpose is to provide men with relational respect and women with relational security.  Those are the baseline needs being carried out therein.

When apps for smartphones, in particular, came on the scene, the most popular ones skyrocketed to the top relative to "tribalism indoctrination" efficiency.  Hence, hookup apps made the top ten list almost overnight.

All in all, the keyword here is efficiency.  This is why / how software programmers made oodles of $$$ so quickly (selling subscriptions / ads to support their hookup apps' services).

Garnering a friendship takes a boatload of time / effort, and there's absolutely zero guarantee relative to a return on your time / effort (emotional investment).  Hence, most adults are wary to even make the effort.  But, hookup apps changed all of that (for many, many consumers).

And here's how I came to understand that whilst also managing to come to terms with just how baseline depraved, we truly are as a people.

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Mr. Nate Larkin is the founder / spokesperson for the Samson Society.  As such, he's often on the road, taking his testimony / outlook regarding our community to those who've never heard.  As far as I know, he mostly speaks to churches, asking them for an audience over a period of two consecutive days.  Oftentimes, that second day is where he'll organize some "trial run" Samson meetings in the church basement with said parishioners.

I received an email from Nate many years ago about a man who'd approached him after his stock church speech.  Nate has known of my sexuality for some time, and he wanted to know if he might triangulate me with this man due to what he revealed to him there at the front of the alter.  I had no problem with that.  Hence, I waited for my new friend's communique, but received not a peep.  Finally, I pinged Nate regarding the silence, and from there, Nate's follow-up served to open the spigot.

Whilst looking back, I can tell you that this man was angry.  Angrier than any man I've ever had the privilege to know.  Much of that anger was laser focused towards the opposition (political).  He constantly devoured political rhetoric, allowing it to stoke the flames of his rage.  As such, this anger was what fueled his life.

This man was very intelligent and extremely motivated.  He was a successful business owner and bodybuilder.  Plus, he owned / singlehandedly managed real estate in multiple states.  Physically, he had such the stature compared to his diminutive wife.  That coupled with his million-watt smile did wonders to attract suitor after suitor on - of all things - Grindr.  

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His response to me as to why he'd hooked up with close to (100) men anonymously (over a period of +/-10 years) came down to his desire to foster friendships.  Plain & simple.  Friendships that were reliable as this man traveled (for work) to repeat destinations.  In his words, he was seeking friendship that was built on shared interests, and for him, those consisted of drinking, watching sports and - on occasion - having gay sex.

No doubt, all of these suitors (& potential friends) were drawn to my new friend's Grindr profile due to his impressive physique / handsome mug.  Again, plain & simple.  It was the "bait" - so to speak - that he hoped would serve to initiate a longstanding, reliable friendship(s).

But it didn't work.  And though he knew the sex was sin, he couldn't understand why his long-game approach didn't reap the results he'd longed for.

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If you're anything like me, all of this seems preposterous.  But this is our reality ever since these malevolent apps came on the scene.  And this is happening every day.  Sex has become so cheap that we truly have become like dogs in heat (glued to our pocket computers like a dog licks his butthole).

One last note regarding my friend.  As you can imagine, throughout this promiscuous season, he constantly lived in fear of becoming HIV positive, therefore he was vigilant about being tested for the virus.  At the same time, he was no doubt putting his naive wife at risk too each time they had intercourse.  But he had no issue with that.  Them "friendships" took precedent.

In the end, he essentially saw this period of his life as a relational side hustle that he deeply regretted involving himself in.  As stated, it grew out of his need for connection, but it was the perceived efficiency that promised him an understandable, by-the-book plan for success.  An efficiency which was hinged on his ability to exploit newfound tech to his advantage which resulted in him forlornly "cutting the crap" in an attempt to expedite connections he could rely on.  

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Generosity is the key to winning friends.  Plus, since generosity is ultimately Christ-serving, even if you're unsuccessful in the platonic realm, your obedience (to Christ) stands.

Here's a favorite definition of generosity:  largeness or fullness; amplitude

I love that word amplitude.  It implies casting a wide net.  Spreading generosity liberally on ALL FREQUENCIES.  

I love seeing wonderful films in theaters with exceptionally capable sound systems.  I've even had the good fortune of seeing one film in a Dolby Atmos theater.  There's something amazing about hearing everything on all frequencies (8 to 64 channels!), all around you, as you're watching the lovely big screen.  

Last night, we had a young couple and their baby (who're three members of Lakeside Pres) over for dinner.  It was a lovely time, but especially so from the standpoint of how intentionally the young man took an interest in our (my) garden.  He and I spent a better part of twenty minutes out there, throughout the evening, dialoguing about its origin, various species of native plants, etc.  With he and I both coming from Mississippi country "stock", there was an immediate shared appreciation for our pedigreed green thumbs, and what joy they have / could bring to us and our clan.

Early this morning (insomnia), I looked back into iMessage on my pocket computer and was surprised to find that it was almost exactly three years ago that this young man and I had our one-and-only lunch together.    

A day or so prior to that 2019 rendezvous, I'd emailed him my testimony (warts & all).  As a result, the lunch itself was awkward.  I could tell that he'd not at all appreciated by candor relative to my story.  And this was because he had mistakenly assumed I was fit to become a potential "mentor" (his words) of his (they had recently joined Lakeside Pres).  Instead, he was now faced with a pervert queer guy who'd felt the need to tangentially overshare to the nth degree.  And this disappointed him tremendously.  For what benefit was a pervert queer guy who's into oversharing to this young fellow?

It was this young man's wife who'd introduced herself to Angie (+/-3-5) months ago at church (some sort of women's function).  Soon thereafter, Angie asked me about this young lady's husband, vaguely remembering my rendezvous from 2019.  I updated her sincerely, and not surprisingly, she walked away with a familiar grin.

Eventually, the aforementioned dinner party from last night was calendared and rescheduled.  And now, here we are.  The.  Day.  After.

Interestingly enough, the young man has even text messaged me today, thanking me for sharing some zinnia seeds (which he planted upon their return home yesterday evening).

I can tell you with no hesitancy that the three years since he and I first came together has given him time to come to terms with my transparency.  And that relational incubation period - if you will - was no doubt put to good use by God's spirit.  For the young man I shared the evening with last night was far more mature than the one I engaged with three years prior.  

And that makes my willingness to be generous with myself worth it all the more.  For this dude now understands fully how both important it is to me and how it actually can be that we co-exist on the same platonic plane as broken, imperfect men.  

And thankfully, there's no blow jobs or buttfucking called for.        

Be generous.  Expect nothing in return.  Be patient and mindful of your Christian witness.  Have faith that God will return to you - exponentially - what you've been willing to give indiscriminately and altruistically.  From there, sit back and remain hopeful.

Recommended Reading - How The Internet Ate A Young Man Alive

 Josh Duggar Sentenced to 12.5 Years in Prison for Child Pornography (insider.com)

As a society, we love to witness others suffer.  And this is especially true of us as westerners.  For we are fiercely independent, existing in a world that's customizable to the nth degree.  As such, we cannot help but find solace in patting ourselves on the back whilst observing our peers make more and more mistakes. 

And this is especially true online.  For the Internet represents the ultimate in nuanced freedom.  So long as you know how to marginally utilize a browser, anything you can dream up will be at your fingertips in a split second.

Hence, you end up with scads of blokes like this one.  

And we're supposed to slowly shake our heads and breathe a sigh of relief now that he's headed for over a decade to prison.

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Why is illegal porn available online?  Why is it possible to download illegal imagery at all?  

I can't get my hands on arsenic.  And I believe that's because it's a colorless, odorless poison that I could use to kill with.  That makes sense.

Why can someone's employer provide them with a computer that can access illegal pornographic imagery?  Why isn't the employer liable to any degree here or perhaps the PC manufacturer?  

Why doesn't anyone really give a shit about men like this Duggar boy and his now completely fucked up life?

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There is nothing we westerners desire more than maintaining our individual privileges, rights and status quo.  For we are a - by default - intrinsically self-focused people.  A people too busy planning our next vacation, landscaping our yards, adopting yet another mutt from the animal shelter, or aborting our burdensome, mistaken offspring. 

Let this be a warning to you dear reader:  You too can be demonized someday just as Mr. Duggar is.  The Internet is on the prowl, looking to eat its next victim alive.  

How Best To Disrespect That Important Man In Your Life

At the outset of the church service on Easter Sunday morning, a concerned mom reflexively approached me about her adult son.  In doing so, she asked me to reach out to him in spite of the fact that I'd already done so prior (this guy's about my age & visited our church - a few times - with his fiancé last spring).  Per his mother, the son had remarried (wife #2) last summer, and as a result, his ex-wife was not / had not (quite understandably) responded well (as the mother of his only child).  Therefore, her son was in an emotional pickle for such a time as this and had been for some time.

Combined with that, her son recently applied for Social Security Disability as he's no longer able to work due to a chronic medical condition. 

I did my darndest to be sympathetic to this mother's pain, but I made it clear that I had no intentions of pursuing her son at her bequest - no matter how much she pressed me to do so. 

Why?

It would be disrespectful to him.  And friendship certainly cannot grow forth from disrespect.  

What I did do is give her my card, urging her to pass it along to him whilst reminding her that I'd given the same - directly to him - last spring.  I continued on by reminding her that by doing so, I did look straight at him, extending a(n) (still unmoved) hand of friendship.

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I'm serving as a Silas to a GA man (he's my age and of the same race as I) that I met at the February '22 regional Samson Society retreat.  He's married to wife #2 (white woman), and she has refused to decouple herself from two very close black male friendships that existed well in advance (by ten years) of her meeting my Silee.  My Silee feels marginalized as such and rightly so.   

These two friends engage with my Silee's wife most days, mainly via text message, and his wife justifies fostering these ongoing relations due to their pre-existence to her relations with him (4-year marriage).

Men want one primary thing from women:  R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

My Silee's wife is disrespecting him by engaging with these other men on a platonic level.  The three of them should have brought their friendship to a decided close on the eve of her wedding to my Silee four years ago.  Instead, they continued forward, and as such, my Silee (& their marriage) has suffered.

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What is respect?

How do you give respect to a man?  (Especially if you're a woman.)

Men, by definition, are capable providers.  Mostly, that provision is in the form of security.  Physical security firstly with emotional security being a close second (often as a result of the physical security).

This provisional man modus operandi that I'm speaking of is internally realized before it can manifest itself outwardly.  Once it's established / recognized therein, women who love these men should celebrate it via their respect towards them.

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One last story:

A fellow MSU architecture student (that also graduated in '95) bumped into me yesterday at a local restaurant.  This guy is a few years older than I, gregarious and - as can be expected of an architect - a bit eccentric.

The last time he and I chatted was back in 2006 when we were colleagues at the same architecture firm here in Jackson.  

Today, this architect is a well-adjusted state government employee on the East Coast.  (This put a smile on my face.)

Before we parted ways, I asked him to introduce me to his wife (who was seated on the opposite side of the restaurant's dining room).  I vaguely remembered him getting married prior to our last juncture, but I didn't remember ever formally meeting his new bride (though I vaguely remembered what she looked like).  

Now, there's something you need to know about this architect.  He's keenly interested in keeping current on everyone's social standing / rank - where they're working, who they're in relations with, and so forth.  And reciprocally, he's more than willing to divulge as much of his same story in kind - so long as someone's willing to listen...to all the sordid details.

Hence, he's one of those guys that typically comes across as being slightly socially awkward, yet he typically makes up for it with his generous smile and honest assessment of his own shortcomings.  And I admire this.   

When he lead me over to the booth his wife was seated at, I immediately extended a hand with a big smile on my face.  

Now, before I go any farther, it's hopefully apparent that this guy isn't (nor has ever been) one to meet a stranger.  Therefore, I've no doubt that his sweet wife has been introduced to countless former colleagues (like myself) within similar settings.

Her reaction amounted to her appearing to be infringed upon as she chomped on her lunch.  Now, perhaps she was having a rough day, or maybe she'd just started an intermittent fasting program, and this was her first solid meal in quite some time.

Anything's possible.

I can tell you that my sweet wife, Angie, becomes seriously disgruntled when I choose to not introduce her to my friends / peers (within public settings like this).  She says it makes her feel invisible, and she absolutely loathes that feeling.  

Regarding this, I feared that my old friend might have come away as such, and that worried me.  For invisibility certainly doesn't equate with respect.

Tough As Snails

"It's like I'm married to a man!  She's almost identical to her own father who was tough as nails."

This was a comment made to me by a long-time Samson friend, describing the relational / emotional tenacity of his wife.  Her resolve to endure their decades-long marriage woes had (at least partially) resulted in her becoming callous and essentially cut off - from him - emotionally.  As a result, their sexual relationship had unfortunately dried up.  This combined with her pointed criticism towards his appointed role as a spiritual leader (within their church, in particular) had seeded substantial doubt in his mind that she would actually stay married to him once they'd successfully reared (& seen moved onward) one of their daughter's children (they had legal custody).

This couple has been married since they were +/-16 years of age, having become pregnant unexpectedly as sexually active teens, therefore I felt shocked & numbed by his update, considering their marital tenure.

Essentially, this looked on the surface to be a wife who was characteristically protecting herself from future wounding (via unfettered sharp criticism / keeping him physically at arm's length) whilst hanging with the marriage out of obligation to her beloved grandson.

I recommended to my friend that he encourage his spouse to get involved in The Sarah Society ASAP in order to find support therein.  

Upon updating me a few weeks later, he'd received no indication from her that she'd follow through with my (& eventually his) recommendation.  Before we parted ways, he rationalized her decision out loud by telling me that she's never been interested in letting her guard down around other women, and this of course, harkened back to her intrinsic (patriarchal - "It's like being married to a man!") character as an individual.

I believe today that she'll likely never divorce my friend, but not because she's destined to make peace with his offenses.  Instead, she'll stay with him to-death-do-us-part in order to effectually justify her pedigreed emotional approach to life itself.

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What is it like to be married to a wife who's disabled?  My wife, in particular.  

"It's like I'm married to a man!  She's almost identical to her own father who was as sublime and hyper-conscientious an individual as I've ever met."

Moral excellence is a rare goal today.  Especially regarding an individual's sexuality (including thought life).  My wife as well as my wife's father made this a priority.  At the same time, there's this humility versus a haughtiness therein.  And this makes for a really pious individual.  Like Mother Theresa-grade pious.

Well, as we all know, Mother Theresa didn't have a husband.  But what if she had?

Hence, on the opposing side to that, there's a massive interpersonal intimidation factor.  So much so, that had I not respectfully befriended Angie during my teen years, I would NEVER have considered pursuing her as my wife in my early 20s.  Bizarrely, she and I hit it off (platonically) almost immediately when we were in high school.  Looking back, I'm convinced this had to do with both of us being hardcore freaks / geeks, both attending separate private academies here in the Jackson Metro.

But this only addresses one side of the coin.

The flip side is her bizarre (to me) hyper-conscientiousness.  And this was also the case for her now deceased father.  

Angie is so self-conscience that circumstantially, she's almost always aware of her pulse / blood pressure.  She's also laser tuned to her emotional state.  So much so that it can at times overwhelm her rationale mind.  

As a middle-schooler, she experienced a massive amount of emotional trauma brought on by her parents.  And this went on for a number of years prior to settling down (somewhat) during her high school years.  Hence, she grew into a very anxious individual by default, although thanks to therapy (and a few meds - on occasion) she's far more well equipped today to manage these unwanted feelings than she was when we first married.

Therein though is her physiological vulnerability.  Studies have shown that anxious individuals are far more likely to have strokes.  And a stroke is what she had back in May of 2020.

And that sums up what it's like to be married to Angie.

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I had lunch this week with one of my heroes, though he didn't know it (of his heroism) 'till we executed this initial juncture.  In the past, he was an elder at our church, and vocationally, his reputation was (he's retired) spotless.  Plus, he's a Bible scholar with so much compassion towards the lost (& downtrodden).  I guess you could say I've always been a secret fan.

He & I talked about conflict during lunch; in particular, conflict between friends / family.  For I wanted to know specifically how he'd fared therein, but especially as it related to some "high profile / public" individuals he'd befriended (who were either deceased or had moved away) over the years.  For I'd been wondering - for quite some time - from afar, how he'd managed these very difficult situations with his smile (& sanity) still intact.

But that overarching "lesson" wasn't what he shared with me.  Instead, he felt compelled to narrate a good portion (gory details) of the relational trauma itself directly to me.  Me.  A nobody who just happened to attend church with him.  

It was such an honor.

In a nutshell, I was given an awful lot, via his story, to chew on relative to relational dynamics.  And I'm going to be chewing for some time.

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Circling back to Angie...  My wife's (just as any wife is) extremely vulnerable to both Rob's (her husband's) sin and Rob's (her husband's) opportunity to / penchant for sin.  Take, for example, the vast online opportunities for me (all husbands) to find individuals to have illicit sexual relationships with.  Whether they're hetero / homo or something in between.  Not to mention Samson Society itself and perhaps using it as my illustrious web-like playground.  Catch & release?

Overall, as time marches on, our culture degrades further and further morally.  Therefore, in theory, Angie obtains a bigger and bigger target on her back.

But, that's only taking one side of the equation into consideration.

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Speaking personally, I find myself quite intrigued at how influential relationships are.  The specifics relative to how those dynamics work is fascinating to me.

And here's a statement that you might not have expected from me, but it's the truth.

The more vulnerable Angie becomes as my wife, the less likely I am to cheat.

Living with her, serving her, is exhausting at times.  But, it drives home the reality of her needing me to stay in our present reality.  

Start By Honoring His Wife. (You Have To Assume) She's Who He Sleeps With Every Night.

Married Samson guys often have wives that have been deeply hurt by their transgressions (prior to stepping foot into Samson Society).  Some of these women are still married to their spouses only because there're children in the home.  That combined with the hope that Samson Society can help to provide a steady road ahead for their marriage, often keeps them begrudgingly, bittersweetly committed.

When I entered Samson Society back in '14, Angie (my wife) was wholly supportive of my commitment to the community therein.  So much so that she was elated to know that she would no longer be my sole "post job loss (trauma)" sounding board.  As such, it wasn't long before I found guys within the Samson community that more than compensated for her generosity to (attempt) to support me - to the best of her ability - for such a horrendously difficult time as that.

For example, Angie immediately became my Covenant Eyes ally post-job loss.  And this was the case because I had no other friends that I felt comfortable engaging as such.  

And though she remained a CE ally for some time after I began my journey within Samson Society, she trusted wholeheartedly the other men that God brought into my life to continue therein supporting her husband.  In other words, she found relief from a responsibility that she felt didn't suit her (as my wife) one iota.

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Now, my primary attraction to Angie is rooted in her trust in me.  And it is a profound trust that's rooted in her willingness to be subservient.  For I'm a dude who struggles with same-sex attraction and always has.  Yet, she knew going into our marriage, 25 years-ago that this would be an ongoing narrative for me.

Many women would balk at this no holds barred trust approach, and I get that, but they're not Angie.  Hence, my reason for not marrying anyone but her. 

One thing that's unique about she and I is how long we've known each other (since our teenage years).  I believe this has had a profound impact on her ability to trust me.  We weren't anything other than friends in high school, but the relationship was decidedly built on mutual respect.

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I am slated to chat with my newest Silee's wife (with my Silee on the phone too) this afternoon.  This man (& his spouse) live in Hotlanta, and he and I became fast friends during the 2022 Gulf Coast Samson Society retreat (photo below) from a few weekends back.  After chatting with my new friend late last week (our first post-retreat, I'm now your Silas, dialogue), and hearing of the interpersonal dynamic between he and his spouse, I felt compelled to recommend to my Silee that we should kickoff our friendship by honoring her.

In the past, I've never made this move.  Instead, I naively assumed that my Silees' wives were like Angie.  Sorta relieved to be hands off.

But I have found - over the past eight years - that this typically wasn't / isn't the case.

Many of my Silees' wives were - and understandably so - actively looking over the shoulders of their husbands in response to the traumas that they'd endured (either directly or indirectly by his hands), and this form of self preservation began well before these men entered into Samson Society.

One of the most surprisingly creepy discoveries regarding this was how unabashedly these ladies snooped on their husbands by reading his text message exchanges (sometimes in real time), his email, etc.  Many too tracked their man's whereabouts via his smartphone location.  All of this sounded so fatiguing to me.

And oftentimes, I would only find out about this due to her questioning / complaining (to him) about some broached hyper-sensitive subject matter (that she'd read behind his back) that I'd brought to the forefront.  For if you know me, I tend to not pull my punches when it comes to the nitty-gritty / granular.

And then there's just the overall suspicion / mistrust that I was up against relative to her wanting to maintain some semblance of control over her husband's recovery (& arguably justifiable, taking her trauma into account).  As such, I found that this was her way of serving as his Recovery Nanny.

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The lesson here is that many (if not all) of the spouses of Silees need to know me - at the outset - as the Silas.  They need to have an opportunity to personally vet my capability / motive in order to NOT SUDDENLY FEEL LEFT OUT.  And that's what I'm going to attempt to accomplish today (please pray for this conversation).

Women want security from their men.  By me (& my Silee) being respectful of that need, we can certainly take the time to show my Silees' wives we truly care / have her husband's best interests at heart. 

And then from there, we'll see how things go, knowing that I've attempted to not discount her role as his wife (having known him far longer than I have).

Your Wife Has Standards Too ("Fat Slobs" Rarely Get Laid - Shirtless)

The Director of the YMCA branch we frequent asked me specifically - a few weeks ago - if I was planning to take part in the 2022 "Polar Plunge", a charitable February (winter) swim event (in the Y pool).  I replied by asking him if he would be participating in turn.  He said yes.  But when I asked if he would be swimming in the chilly pool waters shirtless, he replied by describing himself as a "fat slob", therefore no.

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There's little off limits relative to dialogue content / subject matter within / between Samson Society / Samson Society men.  Although I have found that most men rarely, if ever, disseminate details regarding their marital bed (sex life w/ spouse).  And I believe this is because it's simply too frightening to be THAT transparent.  Combine that with the fear of being seen as NOT THE VERITABLE STUD that we'd hoped everyone would assume we are - within our master bedrooms.

You do hear more and more about spouses sleeping apart (somewhere on their property), and undoubtedly, they're always quick to allay their audience's fears that their sex life has been - in any way - negatively impacted.

I read an article recently where the husband slept in the backyard with the wife back in the master suite.  And he did this - no doubt - with a weighted blanket, inside his pup tent.

I would argue he was likely obtaining quite the masculinity injection via his nightly stay-at-home scouting, and this quickly took precedent over the typical convenience of having his lovely wife by his side.

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One of my favorite questions to ask Samson guys is this:  What brings on (activity) the most intense feelings of masculinity for you?  

My first Silas had (13) biological children (no twins), and his wife wanted more.  Of course, there was no need for me to even ask this question.  The answer was obvious.

I believe most men feel intensely masculine when they're engaging sexually with certain other people (hopefully their wife).  But, in light of that assumption, I've also served as Silas to a man who'd only had intercourse with his wife 3-5 times.  And he'd been married to this same woman for +/-30 years.  And it wasn't that he didn't feel masculine being sexual with certain women, but it just so happened that his wife wasn't one of those women.   

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One of the weirdest things about being open about my struggles with same-sex attraction (homosexual desires) is how some guys cannot NOT feel insecure (especially if they're younger than I am) around me.  Hence, if they're married, some of them will consistently (& I've known many of these men for years) make a point to reference how much they enjoy their regularly sexual programming within their marriage bed.

And I have no reason to believe otherwise when they repeatedly tout the vigor and sizzle they're regularly experiencing between the sheets.  

It's these same guys who sometimes ask me that hypothetical question:  "If you could - overnight - be rid of your same-sex attraction / homosexual desires, would you do it?"

Whereas what they're really saying is:  "I so do not trust you, and this is because I cannot relate to both who you say you are and what you claim to be experiencing."

And this stems from the authentication of their masculinity via sex - with their wives - within the marriage bed.

For if I'm not receiving it there, and I'm not having sex with other men, where could I possibly be receiving it?

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I'm not a woman nor have I ever felt at all womanly, therefore I cannot speak for them, but I do know that many Samson guys have wives who oblige to sexual activity with their husbands - out of "necessity".  To be more specific, they're willing to be sexual with their husbands in order to lessen the chance that he'll look for sexual pleasure elsewhere.

I've heard men, who've allowed me the privilege of being their Silas, state clearly that they'll fuck anything if they're given the opportunity.  Hence, it's not the reaction of the recipient that matters.  It's the opportunity.

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What I want to recommend to married Samson guys, who are sexually active with their wives, is the following:  

If you're ongoing goal is to carry on a vibrant sex life with your wife, take pride in what you physically bring to the experience.

Start by remembering this:  You were meant - as a man - to be muscular.  If you're not muscular today, your physical build isn't static.  All it takes is know-how and motivation.  

Your testes do certainly create (or they should) sperm (for reproduction), but they also manufacture testosterone.  The latter of which is what physically promulgates muscle growth in response to strength training.  

You do have control over both what you eat, how often you eat, and how much you eat.  Your mouth is there to communicate verbally and eat with.  You have full control over both.  (It also works in breathing, but...)

Exercise is powerfully effective at making your body decidedly more physically attractive to your wife.  Closely monitoring your food intake works the same.

And this truth must be embraced / committed to 24/7/365 with no days off.  Ever.  

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We still send out those Xmas cards with the family photos on them each year, and in return, others do the same.  We received one this year from a family we've known for most of our married lives (25 years).  The couple have four children, and we first met them within a newlywed Sunday School class at Colonial Heights Baptist Church not long after we were married.

What a beautiful family they are!  And I'm so pleased to see that their marriage endured. 

But I can't help but immediately notice the dad / husband - sticking out like a sore thumb - who'll also not be taking his shirt off at the "Polar Plunge".  

Summer 2022 (here in the northern hemisphere) is fast approaching.  Align your physical self in anticipation of looking your very best.  

You are an image bearer of the most Holy God.

Lagniappe   

More lagniappe

Even more lagniappe

Even, even more lagniappe

Darlene, Jr.

As strange as it may sound, my mom is the closest person to me relative to serving as some semblance of a mentor.  Yet, she's done so throughout my life via a hands-off approach.  What I mean by that is she's modeled behavior versus attempting to teach it directly.  Perhaps that doesn't necessarily qualify her as an actual mentor, but it's never been in her DNA to attempt to instruct me directly in the ways of manhood.  And I realize that sounds weird, but just keep reading for further commentary on that.

Darlene and I have identical temperaments (self-reliant / positive / forward thinking), therefore there've been inevitable seasons of serious head butting, yet it's never too long 'till we've realigned our trajectories amiably.  I can remember occasions when I was a teen as well as a new father where I felt she'd overstepped.  Each time, I'd be firm in expressing my frustration 'till she was willing to reign in her demands / criticism.  This would often result in enduring some lengthy seasons of chilled reception (from her), but in the end, it was always worth the trouble / discomfort therein.  I actually used to appreciate her stubbornness that much more after the fact.  Yielding can be hard for individuals who're as driven as she, yet I'm one of the few people who's capable of that persuasion.

I recently had lunch with an old Samson friend who described the persona of his wife as "a man in a woman's body".  In many ways, that same description fits my mom.  "Tough as nails" is a tagline that we've all heard before.  It fits Darlene to a tee.  As such, as her only child, I've come to realize how privileged I've been to be reared by her and to - even today - have a strong, respectful relationship with her.  At this point in my life, I see myself as sort of an insider as to who she really is - behind the scenes.

You've seen those talk shows that feature family members of rock stars.  I've always felt like I'd qualify for one of those particular shows regarding my mom, as both her presence in my life as well as her public image (amongst the community my 'rents are part of) has always been somewhat larger than life.  

On the flip side of her demeanor / temperament is her graceful physical beauty wrapped in sort of a countrified, folksy poise.  

My mother became pregnant with me at age 18.  She was an impoverished high school student in the Mississippi Delta who'd found herself in quite the quagmire.  And yes, it was her physical beauty that served to enable her to take the steps she did to officiate that predicament.  

My father married her just a few months into her pregnancy.  And her beauty has mesmerized him ever since.  

My mother is one of a kind.  I'm proud to be her son but not at all personified by indebtedness to her. Therefore, it truly is a fantastic win-win for Rob, having had her model so many rock-solid attributes that serve as the foundational bedrock of who I am today.  In the end though, it is very weird having a woman serve me so faithfully as a mentor.  

The Sarah Society / Recommended Reading

Huma Abedin’s ‘No Apology’ Tour - POLITICO

Lagniappe

Mother To Child: "You're Responsible For My Feelings. You're to Blame / To Be Celebrated For Me Feeling __________."

I referenced within an earlier post how important it can be that I keep a lid on my emotions here at the homestead (around my wife / daughters), and how that approach has, in the past (pre-Samson Society involvement), been detrimental to me successfully steering clear of lustful fantasies (supplemented by porn consumption or not) from the standpoint of using said fantasies as an emotional enema.   

But I'd like to expound on this a bit from the standpoint of what exactly my wife is forced to emotionally manage day in and day out.

And I want to do this because you may be able to relate either as a husband or wife relative to the dynamics of our situation.

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Firstly though, it's important that you know that my wife's mother is a widow whom lives just 7-8 miles from our abode.  She "stays" (as black people put it) within the same home Angie (who's now 50) and her brother (who's now 46) were reared in (in Jackson) throughout the majority of their school years (as students of Jackson Academy).  

This home was mortgaged by her parents, all those years ago, due to her father moving his brood back here from Hattiesburg - in response to an unexpected job loss - out of necessity to take another job.

This job loss and subsequent move no doubt (as it's been described to me) represented a major demotion for Angie's dad, and as such, her mother went off the deep end as a result.  And when I say went off the deep end, I mean she went batshit crazy over his job loss / demotion.

It's important to know that when I unexpectedly lost my job back in 2013, Angie was very intentional about staying emotionally / physically supportive of our family in spite of the obvious embarrassment / shame that manifested itself as a result.  And I must say, had she not been such a steely, consistently hopeful presence within our family's life during that dark season, I would surely not have endured the situation.  Angie reacted as such the contrarian - for her family - in response to what she'd witnessed from her own mother as a child (within a somewhat similar scenario).

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Emotional "flare ups", as I call them, do occur within our household, and more often than not, they're due to the inevitable internal dynamics between my wife and any number of our daughters.  There's a boatload of estrogen there, therefore...

I try hard to take them in stride, but there are times when I too, need to exhaust some emotions out of frustration / fatigue.

But when I do, and it's within earshot of my wife, this represents a problem for her.

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Angie's middle / high school years were filled with emotional torment.  Torment that put her (& her brother) squarely within the sights of her mother's penchant for refusing to take responsibility for her own feelings.  Therefore, Angie's default, even today as a 50-year-old wife / mother, is to blame herself for everyone else's feelings / state of mind.  Even if said feelings in no way involve her.  

It is the weirdest phenomena to experience, yet we're all so used to it, that it's become the norm.

So, here's the interesting part to all of this.

Angie's mother is a fiercely independent woman, yet she's now reached a point, due to advanced age, that she can no longer manage her affairs.  And this means, someone needs to step up.  Someone she should be able to trust (like her deeply scarred children).

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As Christians, we're called to serve.  Go the extra mile.  Turn the other cheek.  And Angie, for sure, learnt that growing up at First Baptist Church Jackson (alongside me). 

Jesus modeled all of these (as chronicled within the gospels) and FBC Jackson's senior pastor throughout the '80s (when she & I were children) both lived it out and preached it eloquently.

Yet, no amount of obedience to the commands of Jesus can come sans the supernatural.  Especially when that call to obedience happens to involve those whose hands have doled out their fair share of trauma.

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Dr. Laura Schlessinger often makes good sense whilst giving advice to her radio show listeners, but it's important to note that she is not a Christian.  As such, were she in my wife's shoes today, her mother's former emotional abuse would result in payback that consisted of a reciprocal neglect later in life.  I know this because it's one of my hang ups regarding her approach to advising her callers.  (Plus, she also lived this out with her own mother.)

Dr. Schlessinger often justifies this kind of response as one which stems from "mom tearing up her mother card".  In other words, mother's disqualifying themselves due to their neglect, therefore deserving to be forever punished by their children as a result.

It's a hardline, militant approach that completely ignores the prospect / joy of potential reconciliation, and one of the best slang terms that I've found for this is delightfully "burning bridges".

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One of my oldest friends just recently returned to the Jackson Metro after being terminated from a fantastic job opportunity within another state.  His former out-of-state employer is also a friend of mine / ours, therefore as you might imagine, this put me in quite the emotional quagmire.  And to make matters much worse (for everyone involved), my friend, who just recently moved back to Jackson, chose to burn the bridge between himself and our mutual friend (his former out-of-state employer) out of disgust regarding the situation that transpired.

And this man has served as a deacon in a number of local churches.

His rationale for behaving this way was rooted in one thing:  his feelings.  Feelings which consisted of outrage, disillusionment, mistrust, and so forth.  And I get that.  Those feelings are legitimate and deserve to be accounted for.

Yet, I disagree with his decision to blame others for those feelings, and in turn, punish them therein.  Especially when those others have such a longstanding track record of support and love.

As Christians, our overarching focus should be, each and every day, on eternity.  Eternity obtained via our inevitable death.  Eternity where Jesus is within our presence always.  

Why?

As our king (today and on into eternity), emulating his humility and care properly befits us as representatives of his grace.  Even within the most accusatory, unfair, debilitating circumstances that embroil us with heady, visceral emotions.

We are not our own.  We are now serving within his ranks.  Heaven will be ours to enjoy because of what he chose to emulate for us.  Christians are not to behave / react / enact like everyone else.

Lagniappe

What Might Serve To (Figuratively) Prompt A Wife To Consider Divorcing Her Husband? Loss Of Her Personal Datum

An architect friend, whose first husband died a number of years ago, willingly endured the instability he brought to their marriage 'till his untimely death.  Her husband was the opposite of a fixed point in her life.  Instead, he was reliably unstable in most everything he did / committed himself to.  And it wasn't that she was expecting perfection, material success, etc.  Not this lady.  Her love for him ran far more deep than that.  

I vividly remember traveling with both of them (decades ago) early on within my career as an architect.  I'd been invited to attend an architectural lighting expo on the west coast, and therein provided the opportunity to get to know them as a couple (for she'd been also invited).  These type events were always exciting (in part because us designers were the guests of honor), yet this particular trek quickly opened my eyes to some bizarre marital dynamics between my two new friends (her and her husband).  I came away feeling sad for this beautiful and intelligent woman who'd been saddled with such a loser.

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Earlier this year, I was delighted to be contacted by a female business owner client of mine out of the blue.  She was interested in learning more about her options relative to Defined Contribution Plans for her quite successful / quickly growing business.  Specifically, she wanted an "upgrade" from her company's existing plan for 2022, and she'd chosen me to obtain the facts well in advance.  

This particular business owner client is both highly intelligent and tough as nails.  Her persona is progressively masculine overlaid with a temperament that's aloof to the nth degree.  Therefore, were it not for my middle-agedness, she'd simply be too intimidating for Rob to work with.

As such, I love working with her.  It's such a cool privilege.  I always attempt to get at least 8-hours of sleep the night before any meeting I have with her in order to improve my chances of being as sharp as I possibly can be.

Therefore, by mid-May (soon after her contacting me for assistance) we were off and running, and to my delight, we met repeatedly with my "A Team" of experts via Zoom / teleconference in order to answer her and her partner's many questions.  

Interestingly enough though, sometime in July, whilst beginning to conclude our ongoing "educational sessions", she relayed to me her desire to loop in her personal financial advisor (who she's been close friends with since high school) relative to some of what my "A Team" was proposing.  Initially, I found this request to be a little strange, but I took it in stride.  

But then her personal financial advisor left me a voicemail message, from which I returned his call the following afternoon.

And this is when I came to realize that I was not nearly the professional fixed point I had assumed I was to her.  

In the end, losing that business opportunity resulted in me solidifying a deep respect for something that's often so very difficult to describe.

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I've written in previous posts about wives needing security from their husbands.  But, if I were to expound on that here, I'd add the following:  wives need an anchor / fixed point moreso than anything else - from their husbands - within their marriage.

Back when I was in architecture school, I used to hear our professors use the word datum quite often.  This is a great word.  A datum is a reliable known point in space that you can utilize to site / build all manner of things from.  Datums do not change nor do they move.  They are fixed.  Immovable.  Solid.  Think of a rusted iron rod (pin) that's referenced on a survey.  One that's utilized as a starting point to identify boundary lines.  That is a datum.  It's an object that's been anchored deep within the Earth in decades pasts that everything around it is referenced from.

I suppose our culture woos us with the notion that wives long for romance or material wealth, and I'm sure there are a sizable number of wives who enjoy anticipating / imagining (& perhaps receiving) those perks, but most, if not all, insist on reliability and fortitude which promulgates deep seated trust between her and her man.  Otherwise, many will hit the road.

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In closing, I work hard to be as consistent as possible for my wife / daughters and even my parents (who employ me).  Therefore, as such, I keep an awful lot of my feelings close to my vest day after day after day.  Why?  It gives all of them plenty of safe space to emote between themselves and also to me.  And I like this setup.  It makes me feel correct as a husband.  Plus, it gives me opportunity to yield to their needs in this regard.

There is an individual though who's privy to Rob's feelings.  My Silas.  Especially if I'm really struggling with some heady negative feelings (for whatever reason).  

Whether it's via text message or a phone call (or both), he's going to know what's in my heart.  Otherwise, I'll eventually turn back to false community via Internet porn consumption.  

For me, he's my datum.  Reliable.  Fixed.  Solid.  And I love him for those attributes.  

Lagniappe