Recommended Reading

 Family Prayer Is Inconvenient and Worth It | Desiring God

Many Of These Young Men May Be Doomed

I had lunch with my oldest friend last week.  He and I walked beside each other (even rooming together during 4th year) throughout (the majority of) architecture school at Mississippi State University.  Today, we're both 54 years young, having graduated together (w/ +/-40 others) in 1995.

My oldest friend was my best man in my wedding and I his.  Though we don't see each other often (I don't care for his wife), we do make a point to lunch 2-4 times a year in order to catch up.  Thankfully, this is made easy due to the fact that his office is just a mile or so from my own.

He and I are both blessed to be fathers.  My friend has two children, one of which is a son.  And this boy is floundering as a young man (he's 20-years old), and the major causation is his isolation (zero face-to-face friends).  No doubt, my old friend divulged this during lunch last week.  Hence, I've been thinking a lot about this travesty whilst reminiscencing about our times "back in the day" supporting each other.  For this boy lives a life of privilege within the richest most opportunistic culture on planet Earth, yet his life / future is in the ditch in light of his stark aloneness.

Obviously, online video games didn't exist when my old friend and I were 20 years old.  The absence of the Internet fortified that truth.  We did wear headphones, though there was no need for microphones to be integrated therein.  And those headphones were used mostly to listen to compact discs (remember the Discman?) or cassette tapes (Yay for the Walkman!).  

My friend's son claims that he DOES HAVE FRIENDS.  There just online...

Please.

-------------------------

Yesterday, there was a tiny crazy woman at the Y.  She was meandering around the gym floor talking and coughing (gagging?) aimlessly to herself whilst sporting her Spandex.  Initially, I assumed she had those ridiculous earpads in, and via the miracle of cellular / Wi-Fi was chatting to whomever, but I was wrong.  Instead, she was simply having an imaginary conversation with her broken brain as she wove in and out of the machines irrationally.  

& this wasn't the first time I'd seen her there doing this crazy act.

(You never know what you'll encounter at the Y.)

-------------------------

The building adjacent to our office building houses one of the few children's allergy clinics within central MS.  I took note today (again) of a handful of female staff members (no less dressed in their blue scrubs) using the very edge of the ground transformer concrete pad (located covertly at the rearmost corner of the building) as their butt perch to light up together.

I'm not one to advocate smoking, but you have to admit, particularly within this digital day and age, that if nicotine / tobacco brings people into healthy platonic community, so be it.

-------------------------

Not long after my first encounter with my old friend (summer of '90), it didn't take me long to adjudicate the fact that both honesty and reliability were his watchwords.  Plus, he wasn't one to criticize or gossip (at least to me).  I liked all of these traits despite the fact that he'd no doubt (at the outset of our friendship) had fallen out of the ugly tree (& hit a few branches on his way down).  Oh, my goodness, you should have seen this kid's driver's license photo!

Keep in mind that I was by no means - a looker - at age 19-20 either, but this poor South MS kid had it really, really rough in the looks department.

Overall, in spite of our very different (suburban vs rural) upbringings, we just fit well together.  And recognizing our need for community (& my pity response), us two architecture students naturally joined forces platonically.  It was as simple as that.

-------------------------

Perhaps because I'm an only child, finding solid friends has always been a priority.  

Never would I have endured architecture school then working within the cutthroat architecture field sans close, personal friends like Jason.  I feel certain I'd be right there with that crazy woman at the Y.

I'm afraid Jason's son situation isn't looking so healthy going forward.  That makes me very sad.  For I know firsthand exactly what he's missing out on via genuine platonic community.

If you're young, and wise enough, use your need for recovery as an excuse to, first & foremost, make lifelong friends via Samson Society.  And even if there're not face-to-face / in-person, attending meetings / after-meetings fosters the relationships that you absolutely were designed by God to have! 

Thanks be to God for Samson Society! 

Those Collective Exhale Moments

When certain Samson brothers walk away from this community, no doubt, everyone can breathe a little easier.  And you know exactly who I'm referring to.  Those emotionally volatile guys.  The ones that make great soap opera characters but not so much real friends.

And thankfully, there aren't too many of these odd-men-out within this community, but they are there.  For now...

-------------------------

Level-headedness (fueled by humility) is one of those guaranteed traits Christian men need to thrive, long-term, within communities like Samson Society.  

But many men aren't anywhere close to level-headed much less humble.  Instead, their (heated) emotions (particularly when they're tired / bored) take over.  When that occurs, most everyone takes notice, especially so when it's an inappropriate / childish response.  And that's when the distancing begins in earnest.  

Of course, distancing isn't an attribute found within a thriving Christian community of men.  

-------------------------

I witnessed this firsthand during a sophomore Spring Samson retreat (in-person Samson community) at / around Highlands, NC many years ago.  One brother was always looking for an opportunity to "flare up" so long as said opportunity had one particular Samson brother's name attached to it.  Think of this dynamic within the same vein as a sibling rivalry.  And eventually, it got ugly between these two.  And from there, everyone's point of view changed.

My naivete cloistered this incident as isolated.  Boy was I ever wrong.  

Recommended Reading

 The Key to Happiness Is Self-Forgetfulness

Recommended Reading

 Raising Kids in the Faith Is Simpler Than You May Think

Recommended Reading

 How porn has broken sex for young people

Expressing Oneself Passionately - Man To Man

When I was a boy (I'm 53), it wasn't unusual for bachelors / divorcees to be roommates.  Perhaps they shared a house / apartment.  I vividly remember this within the 'hood I grew up within, and I used to think it was very cool.  How fun / pragmatic!  These were my cursory thoughts, never once looking back in suspicion.  What might one suspect?

My how things have changed.

I screened Masters of the Universe Tuesday, (6/16) with two of my girls.  The protagonist and his BFF (Earthly roommate) both sport very non-machismo personas.  And this point is driven home by their individual interests, personas, the way they dress.  All the while, there's no indication whatsoever that they're NOT sexually attracted to the opposite sex (we witness the protagonist on a dinner date).  It's just implied that they're two close male friends who're by no means "bros" in today's sense of the word / culture.

Too, these men share / have shared their stories with each other.  The film actually makes room for this onscreen.  And, of course, Adam's is quite bizarre (& he's quite passionate whilst relaying it to those he cares for).

One of my favorite aspects of the film is that the protagonist never loses his exceedingly non-machismo persona despite the transfiguration that eventually occurs once he's brought back to his home planet.  In other words, his physical form / appearance certainly intimidate / represent well his appointed / chosen role yet makes little to no difference as to who he is on the inside as a (He-)man. 

The film represents the most earnest guilty pleasure I've experienced in a long time, all the while working overtime to utilize source material (a cartoon / toy line from the '80s) with as much fanboy respect as possible.  Recommended screening.

-------------------------  

My Silas and I long to spend time together (shared physical space).  We've been walking with each other ever since the tail end of December of '25.  What's unique about him is how culturally passionate he is.  As a result, physical displays of affection are not an issue.  For me, I'm both culturally and intrinsically avoidant of this, particularly considering my sexuality.

All this leads me to the inevitable which is the Samson Summit in October (where he & I will finally meet).

It's going to be very interesting to see how things play out.

-------------------------

As I've discussed numerous times before...

Years prior to stepping into Samson Society (I attended my first Samson Society meeting in August of 2014), I obtained my first "Silas", and therefore as a result, began experiencing relational accountability (there was a lot about each of us - personal hard wiring - that was similar in tandem with many, many differences).  Eventually, I took the initiative to ask him for permission to "demystify" the male physique with him serving as my crash test dummy.  Of course, none of these exercises involved either of our genitalia, but nevertheless, the average bro would have been extremely uncomfortable therein.

Throughout this process, it was inevitable that me choosing to ask him permission to go through these exercises (and him agreeing) telegraphed my emotional / sexual confidence for / towards him in a way that would not have been possible otherwise.  Why?  Men emote via the physical.  

And, of course, all of this taught me a great lesson in how important restraint truly can be in demonstrating love for others.  In other words, a little can go a long way (after asking permission and putting expectations in place). 

In the end, I came away having mentally deconstructed much of the adolescent idolism I'd attributed to the masculine male form which then began to crystalize my own (healthy) point of view of myself (as a reference point to everyone else - male & female).

These experiences also served to permanently close a door procedurally due to what I just described.  In the end, my personal growth as a man thankfully hasn't slowed from this singular foundational experience.

-------------------------

My second architecture firm job (1996) immediately put me in a position, as an intern, to become a mentee of one of my (four) bosses.  And I embraced this due to the understood order / expectation of that particular profession.  Too, I was practically fresh out of school, looking to learn / engage as much as possible (about architecture / myself).  What I didn't realize at the time was how broken my boss truly was.  For it wasn't long before I'd stepped into my position as his intern that my boss' personal life had completely fallen apart resulting in him being in process rebuilding.  

As the years past, with me shadowing him all along the way, I grew more and more uncomfortable with the role I'd been handpicked for, and most of this discomfort centered around my boss' intrinsic priorities as a man (which didn't at all align with my own).  As such, despite these immature priorities / values being well hidden / justified to those he engaged with (as was to be expected), they proved his shallowness to young Rob / clearly exposed all the unmet needs (it's important to note that I was ten years his junior).

Year after year (ten years total), I would pull farther and farther away - on the inside.  And my heart would somewhat break as I observed his disappointment therein.  When I reached a breaking point, I was actually very close to leaving architecture behind entirely.  Whilst looking back, I'm in awe at the ultimate influence he had on how I saw / see that particular career / myself therein.

(At least once a month, I dream about working, once again, for him.  When I awake, I tend to exhale at the relief that "it was only a dream".)  

-------------------------

In summary, here's my advice to you regarding the title of this post:  

1.  Be yourself, even if you're called to step into positions that seem better suited for other men.  A softer, more tenderhearted approach may very well appeal to you.  Don't be ashamed of that.  

2.  Be upfront with at least one man you believe you can be safe with.  This is all hinged on you having specific needs as I did.  If that's not the case, honest communication should still be a mainstay between you and those male friends where physical expression of love needs to / can occur to enrich all parties involved.  Communication is a key to success.  And yes, honest physical affirmation from male friends can most definitely supplement / replace what may or may not be occurring between you and the Mrs. in the bedroom.

3.  Have proof that you're capable of rejecting / decoupling friendship / friends well before moving in this direction.  As such, you're likely going to have to move past your "young man years" in order to obtain those credentials / street cred.  Discounting a relationship isn't something that comes easily, yet opportunity no doubt will abound thereafter once the necessary callouses form.  From there, you'll engage fearlessly - down the road - via the heartfelt platonic pursuit (cynics need not apply).

  

Recommended Reading - Desiring God

Sin Will Find You Out | Desiring God

Find Your Home (Meeting)

I was listening to the latest "Pirate Monk Podcast", and was struck by the genius (yet again) of one of Mr. Nate Larkin's recommendations.  

And this hit me particularly hard due to a question that was posed to me last Saturday by one of the Samson Society newcomers (I host the Saturday morning newcomers meeting).  The question had to do with a recommendation related to engaging with online Samson Society meetings in light of a newcomers inexperience / ignorance.  My response was for these newbies to consider their schedules, their temperaments, all the while being persistent in their approach.  And, I believe, these are all solid pieces of advice, for everyone has their own individual schedule, personality.  Plus, it simply takes time to truly get a bead on who a meeting host is, how they operate their meeting & what typically comprises the essence of the meeting itself (regular vs newcomer attendees).  

But honestly, I've never felt all that confident that my response was truly helpful.

Mr. Nate Larkin made the statement that finding a "home meeting" is of primo importance in light of the opportunity to bounce around continually within the virtual Samson Society realm.  This "home meeting" is one that you conscientiously commit to week in & week out no matter what.  And from there, if you so choose, dabbling in other meetings is absolutely up for grabs.  

He went on to say that this approach of deciding upon a "home meeting" provides an anchor for newcomers in light of the vast array of virtual meeting choices available each day.  

I believe this bit of advice to be absolutely brilliant, and as such, am anticipating carrying it forward as I have the opportunity to introduce additional newcomers to this ministry.

The Silas Topic

This past Sunday, (6/14) within "Transparent Training Union" (virtual Samson Society meeting), our topic was Silas.  These were the launchpad questions pertaining to our discussion (four for brothers who currently have a Silas and four for brothers who're looking for one):

• For those of you who currently have a Silas (or have had one in the recent past), here're a few questions to consider answering during your share time:
  
• 1. What about the man who's or who was your Silas (recently) made you comfortable enough with him for you to ask him to serve you in this / that capacity?
  
• 2. Exactly how did your Silas interact - describing his approach (technical & persona) with you over the course of your friendship?
  
• 3. What might your Silas do / have done better to serve you?
  
• 4. Share a quick story of how your Silas shifted your thinking in an especially helpful way.
  
• For those of you who're Silas-free, here're a few questions to consider answering during your share time:
  
• 1. What attributes are you looking for within a Silas?
  
• 2. Once you do obtain a Silas, how might your obligation to follow The Path change you / your schedule?
  
• 3. Based on what you've observed within the Samson Society, what're some Silas experiences that you've taken note of / that have piqued your interests?
  
• 4. Do you anticipate obtaining a (new) Silas? If so, describe to us why you're feeling that way. If not, describe to us why you're feeling that way. Be honest and speak in detail.

Afterwards, I stumbled upon this resource via www.samsonsociety.com:  The Role of the Travel Companion | Become a Silas.  

It was a really insightful meeting.  

Where would we be sans our Silases?

Please Touch Me (Now With Feeling)!

I've been volunteering this week as a "Group Leader / Guide" at our church's Summer '26 Vacation Bible School.  I've done this - at various churches - in years past, but only when VBS was a "traditional" AM event.

Firstly, let me just say that I'm so pleased to see so many young men volunteering compared to when this event was traditionally in the AM.  It's amazing to see ALL of the boys' groups being led by men (most of which are much younger than Rob).  This is absolute win-win for both the boys and young men.  

Because of my sabbatical (rebellion?) - so to speak - from volunteering over the past 3-4 years, I can't help but feel like a pariah, having returned a bit hesitantly (my youngest daughter is volunteering in kind).  As such, earlier this week in particular, I really, really, really longed to be affirmed via touch by some of these other men.  Perhaps a shoulder or neck squeeze?  Anyone?  Anyone?

Nope.  (& keep in mind all of them know me - primarily via my daughter.)

Instead, I got a few stupid fist bumps as well as simple, haphazardly placed smacks across the upper back (with backhands).

And the latter was from a man I've known (& haven't seen regularly in many, many years) for close to a decade.  A man who I've (recently) intentionally walked with through three of the most challenging pastoral years of his life.

*Sigh*

Why?

Like most men within our church, there's no greater fear than being labeled a queer.  Hence, they all drive full-size pickups, wear their ballcaps backwards & never, ever touch other men in a way that might qualify them as such.

-------------------------

Therefore, I sit quietly and watch the clock whilst attempting to ignore the desire for masculine touch.  Strong, intentional, affirming touch.  I so needed it.  As such, whilst not receiving it, I only felt like that much more of a freak.  (Surely, it's not just me!?!)

The irony is the four boys I'm overseeing / leading (3rd / 5th graders) are just as overall physical as any / all elementary-age boys ever were.  They're constantly vying for space by pushing / shoving.  In fact, they became so physically unruly at one point last night that I had to usher them out of the "Science Lab" space prematurely (by about 10 minutes) and back into the vacant Sanctuary (Worship Center) to await the evening's VBS dismissal.  

Did this bother them in the least?  Nope.  For they only continued exhausting their frustrations via their furious hand grabbing / physical posturing right there in the pew.

And it shouldn't have bothered them.  For they needed that physicality to exert / exhaust their boredom / pent up emotional energy healthily (by this point in these boys' full days it was getting quite close to bedtime).

Had they been girls, the "punishment / consequences" (mini-quarantine) that I brought upon them would have manifested embarrassment / shame resulting in deathly quiet demeanors / silent tears driven by fear (WILL HE TELL OUR PARENTS?).  

Why?

Girls are taught early on to suck up their frustrations / boredom, and I would argue, most do not have nearly the wellspring of physical energy that boys do.

It's sad to think that very soon, these boys' playfulness will be culturally lassoed in kind.  Cultural norms / demands will stare their parents directly in the face.  And those demands will strike fear in their hearts by whispering:

"For goodness sakes, whatever you do, don't let him turn out queer."

And that's when everything will change.

Gay To The Core Without Actually Being Gay

I spent a few solemn yet heartfelt minutes with a Samson brother Friday, (6/5).  The occasion was somber and intensely bittersweet yet also somewhat reunion-like and nostalgic.  It had been many years since he and I had seen each other.  Nonetheless, the time spent in the recovery trenches, all those years ago, instantly erased the gap / interim between back then and Friday afternoon.

This Samson brother was freshly divorced when I met him at First Baptist Church Jackson's Summit Counseling (Wednesday night Samson Society meeting) in August 2014.  He'd been one of the founding members of that group, and from there served as the official missionary therein.  So many men stepped foot into recovery due to his mission.  For he wholeheartedly believed in Samson Society + loved men.  

His passion extended not only towards the group itself but to his then Silas.  Oh, how he loved his Silas (& vice versa)!  These two spent as much time together as humanly possible.  And what was curious to me was his Silas struggled immensely with homosexual desires, yet this made not one iota of difference within this man's eyes (who was VERY MUCH heterosexual).  I'd never seen platonic fireworks such as that. 

At first (for me), due to the utter newness of Samson Society as a whole, along with my own personal trauma / PTSD, I wasn't able to truly see the complex nature (emotional / spiritual maturity) of this man, but once I began to get a foothold on that post-job loss wounding, each week, I couldn't help but take note of his massively influential amplitude.  It was absolutely brilliant to witness whilst sitting either across the room or across the conference room table.

-------------------------

My first Silas relationship formally came to fruition with this man present.  We were at a local restaurant (meeting after the meeting) with just the three of us remaining.  My (soon to be) Silas nervously took the initiative to ask me that simple question, "Would you be willing to be my Silas?", and I replied with "...only if you'll be mine in turn".  Thankfully, he agreed.  I was so glad this man was there to bear witness.  I vividly recall him sitting there silently with that beautiful smile beaming.

Over time, it became more and more apparent that my role (& vice versa) as this man's Silas would inevitably be truncated, and much of this insight was a result of my deep respect for this (at the time) aforementioned third wheel (he was a far better fit as this man's Silas than Rob ever was).  

This man simply loved / loves men with his whole heart whilst not asking for anything in return.  And it wasn't / isn't necessarily every man (which would have been impossible not to mention disingenuous) but those who he gravitated toward in line with his own intellect / personality / demographic.  In other words, he demonstrated / modeled what it meant to be unabashedly REAL whilst allowing himself to be drawn in like a moth to a flame.

That being said, he absolutely savored / savors rich dialogue (no matter the man), most of it spent either stationary or whilst collaboratively fabricating something within his shop.

-------------------------

Of note is that first (model?) Silas relationship (between him and the SSA brother) of his ended explosively, and even in that shockingly unexpected pain, he modeled for Rob (& so many others) how to respectfully back away when those unfortunate schisms occur.   

When I truly consider his influence within this community, I have to admit that I doubt I would have become the Samson zealot I did were it not for his reliable, curiously excited presence.  For he was / is such the natural, making the experience of attending meetings / after-meetings look so very respectable and fortuitous.  

In the end, it was (& still is) his love & generosity for / towards men that sets him apart.  What a blessing it is to call him (still) a friend.  I sure hope I get to spend some more time with him soon.  Just under less macabre circumstances.