An architect friend, whose first husband died a number of years ago, willingly endured the instability he brought to their marriage 'till his untimely death. Her husband was the opposite of a fixed point in her life. Instead, he was reliably unstable in most everything he did / committed himself to. And it wasn't that she was expecting perfection, material success, etc. Not this lady. Her love for him ran far more deep than that.
I vividly remember traveling with both of them (decades ago) early on within my career as an architect. I'd been invited to attend an architectural lighting expo on the west coast, and therein provided the opportunity to get to know them as a couple (for she'd been also invited). These type events were always exciting (in part because us designers were the guests of honor), yet this particular trek quickly opened my eyes to some bizarre marital dynamics between my two new friends (her and her husband). I came away feeling sad for this beautiful and intelligent woman who'd been saddled with such a loser.
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Earlier this year, I was delighted to be contacted by a female business owner client of mine out of the blue. She was interested in learning more about her options relative to Defined Contribution Plans for her quite successful / quickly growing business. Specifically, she wanted an "upgrade" from her company's existing plan for 2022, and she'd chosen me to obtain the facts well in advance.
This particular business owner client is both highly intelligent and tough as nails. Her persona is progressively masculine overlaid with a temperament that's aloof to the nth degree. Therefore, were it not for my middle-agedness, she'd simply be too intimidating for Rob to work with.
As such, I love working with her. It's such a cool privilege. I always attempt to get at least 8-hours of sleep the night before any meeting I have with her in order to improve my chances of being as sharp as I possibly can be.
Therefore, by mid-May (soon after her contacting me for assistance) we were off and running, and to my delight, we met repeatedly with my "A Team" of experts via Zoom / teleconference in order to answer her and her partner's many questions.
Interestingly enough though, sometime in July, whilst beginning to conclude our ongoing "educational sessions", she relayed to me her desire to loop in her personal financial advisor (who she's been close friends with since high school) relative to some of what my "A Team" was proposing. Initially, I found this request to be a little strange, but I took it in stride.
But then her personal financial advisor left me a voicemail message, from which I returned his call the following afternoon.
And this is when I came to realize that I was not nearly the professional fixed point I had assumed I was to her.
In the end, losing that business opportunity resulted in me solidifying a deep respect for something that's often so very difficult to describe.
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I've written in previous posts about wives needing security from their husbands. But, if I were to expound on that here, I'd add the following: wives need an anchor / fixed point moreso than anything else - from their husbands - within their marriage.
Back when I was in architecture school, I used to hear our professors use the word datum quite often. This is a great word. A datum is a reliable known point in space that you can utilize to site / build all manner of things from. Datums do not change nor do they move. They are fixed. Immovable. Solid. Think of a rusted iron rod (pin) that's referenced on a survey. One that's utilized as a starting point to identify boundary lines. That is a datum. It's an object that's been anchored deep within the Earth in decades pasts that everything around it is referenced from.
I suppose our culture woos us with the notion that wives long for romance or material wealth, and I'm sure there are a sizable number of wives who enjoy anticipating / imagining (& perhaps receiving) those perks, but most, if not all, insist on reliability and fortitude which promulgates deep seated trust between her and her man. Otherwise, many will hit the road.
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In closing, I work hard to be as consistent as possible for my wife / daughters and even my parents (who employ me). Therefore, as such, I keep an awful lot of my feelings close to my vest day after day after day. Why? It gives all of them plenty of safe space to emote between themselves and also to me. And I like this setup. It makes me feel correct as a husband. Plus, it gives me opportunity to yield to their needs in this regard.
There is an individual though who's privy to Rob's feelings. My Silas. Especially if I'm really struggling with some heady negative feelings (for whatever reason).
Whether it's via text message or a phone call (or both), he's going to know what's in my heart. Otherwise, I'll eventually turn back to false community via Internet porn consumption.
For me, he's my datum. Reliable. Fixed. Solid. And I love him for those attributes.
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