Those Collective Exhale Moments

When certain Samson brothers walk away from this community, no doubt, everyone can breathe a little easier.  And you know exactly who I'm referring to.  Those emotionally volatile guys.  The ones that make great soap opera characters but not so much real friends.

And thankfully, there aren't too many of these odd-men-out within this community, but they are there.  For now...

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Level-headedness (fueled by humility) is one of those guaranteed traits Christian men need to thrive, long-term, within communities like Samson Society.  

But many men aren't anywhere close to level-headed much less humble.  Instead, their (heated) emotions (particularly when they're tired / bored) take over.  When that occurs, most everyone takes notice, especially so when it's an inappropriate / childish response.  And that's when the distancing begins in earnest.  

Of course, distancing isn't an attribute found within a thriving Christian community of men.  

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I witnessed this firsthand during a sophomore Spring Samson retreat (in-person Samson community) at / around Highlands, NC many years ago.  One brother was always looking for an opportunity to "flare up" so long as said opportunity had one particular Samson brother's name attached to it.  Think of this dynamic within the same vein as a sibling rivalry.  And eventually, it got ugly between these two.  And from there, everyone's point of view changed.

My naivete cloistered this incident as isolated.  Boy was I ever wrong.  

Expressing Oneself Passionately - Man To Man

When I was a boy (I'm 53), it wasn't unusual for bachelors / divorcees to be roommates.  Perhaps they shared a house / apartment.  I vividly remember this within the 'hood I grew up within, and I used to think it was very cool.  How fun / pragmatic!  These were my cursory thoughts, never once looking back in suspicion.  What might one suspect?

My how things have changed.

I screened Masters of the Universe Tuesday, (6/16) with two of my girls.  The protagonist and his BFF (Earthly roommate) both sport very non-machismo personas.  And this point is driven home by their individual interests, personas, the way they dress.  All the while, there's no indication whatsoever that they're NOT sexually attracted to the opposite sex (we witness the protagonist on a dinner date).  It's just implied that they're two close male friends who're by no means "bros" in today's sense of the word / culture.

Too, these men share / have shared their stories with each other.  The film actually makes room for this onscreen.  And, of course, Adam's is quite bizarre (& he's quite passionate whilst relaying it to those he cares for).

One of my favorite aspects of the film is that the protagonist never loses his exceedingly non-machismo persona despite the transfiguration that eventually occurs once he's brought back to his home planet.  In other words, his physical form / appearance certainly intimidate / represent well his appointed / chosen role yet makes little to no difference as to who he is on the inside as a (He-)man. 

The film represents the most earnest guilty pleasure I've experienced in a long time, all the while working overtime to utilize source material (a cartoon / toy line from the '80s) with as much fanboy respect as possible.  Recommended screening.

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My Silas and I long to spend time together (shared physical space).  We've been walking with each other ever since the tail end of December of '25.  What's unique about him is how culturally passionate he is.  As a result, physical displays of affection are not an issue.  For me, I'm both culturally and intrinsically avoidant of this, particularly considering my sexuality.

All this leads me to the inevitable which is the Samson Summit in October (where he & I will finally meet).

It's going to be very interesting to see how things play out.

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As I've discussed numerous times before...

Years prior to stepping into Samson Society (I attended my first Samson Society meeting in August of 2014), I obtained my first "Silas", and therefore as a result, began experiencing relational accountability (there was a lot about each of us - personal hard wiring - that was similar in tandem with many, many differences).  Eventually, I took the initiative to ask him for permission to "demystify" the male physique with him serving as my crash test dummy.  Of course, none of these exercises involved either of our genitalia, but nevertheless, the average bro would have been extremely uncomfortable therein.

Throughout this process, it was inevitable that me choosing to ask him permission to go through these exercises (and him agreeing) telegraphed my emotional / sexual confidence for / towards him in a way that would not have been possible otherwise.  Why?  Men emote via the physical.  

And, of course, all of this taught me a great lesson in how important restraint truly can be in demonstrating love for others.  In other words, a little can go a long way (after asking permission and putting expectations in place). 

In the end, I came away having mentally deconstructed much of the adolescent idolism I'd attributed to the masculine male form which then began to crystalize my own (healthy) point of view of myself (as a reference point to everyone else - male & female).

These experiences also served to permanently close a door procedurally due to what I just described.  In the end, my personal growth as a man thankfully hasn't slowed from this singular foundational experience.

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My second architecture firm job (1996) immediately put me in a position, as an intern, to become a mentee of one of my (four) bosses.  And I embraced this due to the understood order / expectation of that particular profession.  Too, I was practically fresh out of school, looking to learn / engage as much as possible (about architecture / myself).  What I didn't realize at the time was how broken my boss truly was.  For it wasn't long before I'd stepped into my position as his intern that my boss' personal life had completely fallen apart resulting in him being in process rebuilding.  

As the years past, with me shadowing him all along the way, I grew more and more uncomfortable with the role I'd been handpicked for, and most of this discomfort centered around my boss' intrinsic priorities as a man (which didn't at all align with my own).  As such, despite these immature priorities / values being well hidden / justified to those he engaged with (as was to be expected), they proved his shallowness to young Rob / clearly exposed all the unmet needs (it's important to note that I was ten years his junior).

Year after year (ten years total), I would pull farther and farther away - on the inside.  And my heart would somewhat break as I observed his disappointment therein.  When I reached a breaking point, I was actually very close to leaving architecture behind entirely.  Whilst looking back, I'm in awe at the ultimate influence he had on how I saw / see that particular career / myself therein.

(At least once a month, I dream about working, once again, for him.  When I awake, I tend to exhale at the relief that "it was only a dream".)  

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In summary, here's my advice to you regarding the title of this post:  

1.  Be yourself, even if you're called to step into positions that seem better suited for other men.  A softer, more tenderhearted approach may very well appeal to you.  Don't be ashamed of that.  

2.  Be upfront with at least one man you believe you can be safe with.  This is all hinged on you having specific needs as I did.  If that's not the case, honest communication should still be a mainstay between you and those male friends where physical expression of love needs to / can occur to enrich all parties involved.  Communication is a key to success.  And yes, honest physical affirmation from male friends can most definitely supplement / replace what may or may not be occurring between you and the Mrs. in the bedroom.

3.  Have proof that you're capable of rejecting / decoupling friendship / friends well before moving in this direction.  As such, you're likely going to have to move past your "young man years" in order to obtain those credentials / street cred.  Discounting a relationship isn't something that comes easily, yet opportunity no doubt will abound thereafter once the necessary callouses form.  From there, you'll engage fearlessly - down the road - via the heartfelt platonic pursuit (cynics need not apply).

  

Find Your Home (Meeting)

I was listening to the latest "Pirate Monk Podcast", and was struck by the genius (yet again) of one of Mr. Nate Larkin's recommendations.  

And this hit me particularly hard due to a question that was posed to me last Saturday by one of the Samson Society newcomers (I host the Saturday morning newcomers meeting).  The question had to do with a recommendation related to engaging with online Samson Society meetings in light of a newcomers inexperience / ignorance.  My response was for these newbies to consider their schedules, their temperaments, all the while being persistent in their approach.  And, I believe, these are all solid pieces of advice, for everyone has their own individual schedule, personality.  Plus, it simply takes time to truly get a bead on who a meeting host is, how they operate their meeting & what typically comprises the essence of the meeting itself (regular vs newcomer attendees).  

But honestly, I've never felt all that confident that my response was truly helpful.

Mr. Nate Larkin made the statement that finding a "home meeting" is of primo importance in light of the opportunity to bounce around continually within the virtual Samson Society realm.  This "home meeting" is one that you conscientiously commit to week in & week out no matter what.  And from there, if you so choose, dabbling in other meetings is absolutely up for grabs.  

He went on to say that this approach of deciding upon a "home meeting" provides an anchor for newcomers in light of the vast array of virtual meeting choices available each day.  

I believe this bit of advice to be absolutely brilliant, and as such, am anticipating carrying it forward as I have the opportunity to introduce additional newcomers to this ministry.

The Silas Topic

This past Sunday, (6/14) within "Transparent Training Union" (virtual Samson Society meeting), our topic was Silas.  These were the launchpad questions pertaining to our discussion (four for brothers who currently have a Silas and four for brothers who're looking for one):

• For those of you who currently have a Silas (or have had one in the recent past), here're a few questions to consider answering during your share time:
  
• 1. What about the man who's or who was your Silas (recently) made you comfortable enough with him for you to ask him to serve you in this / that capacity?
  
• 2. Exactly how did your Silas interact - describing his approach (technical & persona) with you over the course of your friendship?
  
• 3. What might your Silas do / have done better to serve you?
  
• 4. Share a quick story of how your Silas shifted your thinking in an especially helpful way.
  
• For those of you who're Silas-free, here're a few questions to consider answering during your share time:
  
• 1. What attributes are you looking for within a Silas?
  
• 2. Once you do obtain a Silas, how might your obligation to follow The Path change you / your schedule?
  
• 3. Based on what you've observed within the Samson Society, what're some Silas experiences that you've taken note of / that have piqued your interests?
  
• 4. Do you anticipate obtaining a (new) Silas? If so, describe to us why you're feeling that way. If not, describe to us why you're feeling that way. Be honest and speak in detail.

Afterwards, I stumbled upon this resource via www.samsonsociety.com:  The Role of the Travel Companion | Become a Silas.  

It was a really insightful meeting.  

Where would we be sans our Silases?

Gay To The Core Without Actually Being Gay

I spent a few solemn yet heartfelt minutes with a Samson brother Friday, (6/5).  The occasion was somber and intensely bittersweet yet also somewhat reunion-like and nostalgic.  It had been many years since he and I had seen each other.  Nonetheless, the time spent in the recovery trenches, all those years ago, instantly erased the gap / interim between back then and Friday afternoon.

This Samson brother was freshly divorced when I met him at First Baptist Church Jackson's Summit Counseling (Wednesday night Samson Society meeting) in August 2014.  He'd been one of the founding members of that group, and from there served as the official missionary therein.  So many men stepped foot into recovery due to his mission.  For he wholeheartedly believed in Samson Society + loved men.  

His passion extended not only towards the group itself but to his then Silas.  Oh, how he loved his Silas (& vice versa)!  These two spent as much time together as humanly possible.  And what was curious to me was his Silas struggled immensely with homosexual desires, yet this made not one iota of difference within this man's eyes (who was VERY MUCH heterosexual).  I'd never seen platonic fireworks such as that. 

At first (for me), due to the utter newness of Samson Society as a whole, along with my own personal trauma / PTSD, I wasn't able to truly see the complex nature (emotional / spiritual maturity) of this man, but once I began to get a foothold on that post-job loss wounding, each week, I couldn't help but take note of his massively influential amplitude.  It was absolutely brilliant to witness whilst sitting either across the room or across the conference room table.

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My first Silas relationship formally came to fruition with this man present.  We were at a local restaurant (meeting after the meeting) with just the three of us remaining.  My (soon to be) Silas nervously took the initiative to ask me that simple question, "Would you be willing to be my Silas?", and I replied with "...only if you'll be mine in turn".  Thankfully, he agreed.  I was so glad this man was there to bear witness.  I vividly recall him sitting there silently with that beautiful smile beaming.

Over time, it became more and more apparent that my role (& vice versa) as this man's Silas would inevitably be truncated, and much of this insight was a result of my deep respect for this (at the time) aforementioned third wheel (he was a far better fit as this man's Silas than Rob ever was).  

This man simply loved / loves men with his whole heart whilst not asking for anything in return.  And it wasn't / isn't necessarily every man (which would have been impossible not to mention disingenuous) but those who he gravitated toward in line with his own intellect / personality / demographic.  In other words, he demonstrated / modeled what it meant to be unabashedly REAL whilst allowing himself to be drawn in like a moth to a flame.

That being said, he absolutely savored / savors rich dialogue (no matter the man), most of it spent either stationary or whilst collaboratively fabricating something within his shop.

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Of note is that first (model?) Silas relationship (between him and the SSA brother) of his ended explosively, and even in that shockingly unexpected pain, he modeled for Rob (& so many others) how to respectfully back away when those unfortunate schisms occur.   

When I truly consider his influence within this community, I have to admit that I doubt I would have become the Samson zealot I did were it not for his reliable, curiously excited presence.  For he was / is such the natural, making the experience of attending meetings / after-meetings look so very respectable and fortuitous.  

In the end, it was (& still is) his love & generosity for / towards men that sets him apart.  What a blessing it is to call him (still) a friend.  I sure hope I get to spend some more time with him soon.  Just under less macabre circumstances.  

Permissible Decoupling - Samson Summit 2025

When I was a college student (Mississippi State University architecture school), at least once a year, our class of +/-45 would take a prescribed trip to an urban center for "building studies outside of (small town) Starkville, MS".  During my sophomore year, we trekked via Greyhound bus to Chicago!  The year was 1992.  And the trip, overall, was a blast (never had this Mississippi boy ever ventured to the Midwest much less to The Windy City).

As such, early one fall morning, I found myself begrudgingly taking my (what felt like reserved) seat on that MSU stagecoach next to none other than fellow student, Greeco Johnson.  Greeco was a first-rate crowd snark.  As such, he was only truly tolerable (to anyone) in very small bites.  Hence, sitting stationary beside for 12+ hours wasn't going to be easy much less fun.  

Now, it's important to know that I agreed to sit adjacent to Greeco partially because I felt considerably friendless and stuck.  And Greeco must have known of this in light of him taking advantage.  

When we finally made it to the Windy City, (3-4 hours behind schedule) I was absolutely exhausted (mostly via my bleeding ears).  For Greeco's unfiltered starkness was on full display with no descent in sight.

And the very next day (officially beginning our tour), I found myself once again - expectantly, demandingly - situated (entangled) beside Greeco.  

Until I chose not to be due to the availability of a relational escape hatch.   

Now, before I go any further, please realize that Greeco was intelligent and articulate and exceedingly put together, but his primary focus 100% of the time was himself (especially within a group setting).  His thoughts, his feelings - full throttle.  And again, that was okay to tolerate in short bursts, but only in short bursts. 

I liken(ed) Greeco to a grown ass man toddler.

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At some point after the '23 Samson Summit in Texas, I reached out to Greeco 2.0 (Samson brother) and asked if he'd be interested in rooming together at the '24 Summit (scheduled to be held within the Carolinas).  He agreed and I was grateful to be finally "out of the bunkhouse".  Greeco 2.0 also lives within the Deep South and as such, I took it upon myself to drop by and visit (in advance of the '24 Summit) in order to meet his sweet wife / experience their abode.  These were good times.  As expected, their modest home was orderly and neat and they were exceedingly hospitable.

IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW THAT GREECO 2.0 WASN'T ACTUALLY GREECO 2.0 (TO ROB) AT THIS TIME.  Back then, he was simply another Samson brother.

And the '24 Summit went well, but I began to notice how snarky my roommate could be but especially so whilst retreating.  Amplified snarkiness?  

Here's a quick aside that I believe is worth mentioning:  There's night & day difference between the average college student vs. Samson brother outlook.  One is self-serving while the other (should be) other-serving.  Hence, snarkiness wouldn't at all be out of place within the former.  Therein lies the strangest paradox baked into Greeco 2.0.

So, what do I mean by snarky?

Having a rudely critical tone or manner 100% of the time.  Thoughtlessly behaving / speaking.  Senselessly irritating.  Gruff.  Anti-social yet never not present (front & center).  In conclusion = hard to be around for extended periods of time.  

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Chris Bruno ('25 Samson Summit keynote speaker) made the comment early on in his talk(s) about all of us attendees subconsciously "dick measuring" against each other.  He was referring to the process men instinctively go through whilst gathering amongst fresh masculine faces.  Essentially, it consists of silently ranking one another, and it's completely normal. 

As I believe I've shared prior, "dick measuring" isn't something that I've been a part of as a grown ass man.  Though that's ever so slightly beginning to change.

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In the distant past, trusted, heartfelt friends really didn't come easy for me, but today, that's changed, and it's all the result of both me maturing forward physically, emotionally, relationally alongside a culture that's become far less averse to men like me (effeminate, metrosexual, distinctly non-machismo) - at least outside the confines of Mississippi.

If my 53-year-old self could go back in time and speak into the life of my then 17-year-old self, letting him know of how much better served by community he'd be - down the road of his life, he'd have such the difficult time believing the older version of me.  

Chris Bruno touched on becoming a sage as an older man, and that genuinely piqued my interest!  

So, what's a sage?  Here's my own definition:  

Firstly, he's someone who's immovable in his convictions.  As such, completely immune to interpersonal / underhanded attacks (they can certainly occur but they're ultimately fruitless attempts to undermine) due to the solidarity of his (lived / walked out) beliefs.  

Secondly, he's been blessed with an undeniable relational portfolio.  Mostly this is familial but too, it cannot be denied that it's also platonic.  That portfolio is built on steadfastness and trust and its returns have been / continue to be staggering.  

Thirdly, he listens moreso than he speaks.  Therefore, he sees this mundane life for what it truly is - temporary.

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At this year's Samson Summit, I befriended a (by every definition of the phrase) Big Man on Campus.  And it wasn't like I even really pursued this guy.  Instead, he simply fell into my lap for lack of a better phrase.  And yes, he became my quite timely relational escape hatch (pertaining to Greeco 2.0).  

And sure, we were at the other-serving Samson Summit.  And he and I both attended the leadership initiative (a day in advance of the retreat itself).  

And I've spoken to him once since the Summit, even going so far as to let him know that I'm hopeful to be rooming with him next year.

Now, let me address what I mentioned earlier in this post.  The cultural shift.

Samson Society is certainly a microcosm of our greater western culture, and therein, that culture has shifted towards a much more relaxed / less polarized outlook regarding homosexual thoughts / feelings.  But, within Samson Society, it's almost presently understood to be representative of a complete dismantling of labels / identities.  As if sexual sin - no matter the specific content - is simply that:  sexual sin.

But I believe it was the sageness aspect, that truly sealed the deal for Rob pertaining to this friendship.     

Big Man on Campus is very, very attractive to me but unlike in years past, not in unequal measure to my own love and respect for myself.  This is big shift.  In other words, I see no need to elevate him above myself even by one millimeter.

It's me finally connecting to the man I always dreamed of becoming via the fragrance of internal peace I can't help but now emanate due to the work I've chosen to do.   

Samson Society provided the setting for me to see this through.  Specifically, it was this milestone that made this year's Summit so memorable. 

Lagniappe  

If You're Serving Another Samson Brother As A Silas, Are You Obligated To Follow Up?

Here's the situation:

If you're serving another man as his Silas and his sinful behavior(s) is continuing to incur tangible, long-term collateral damage to his spouse (her health, their finances), you must pressure him to come clean to her.

Why?

Because she's being hurt unknowingly by his ongoing stupidity.  To be more specific, she might end up with an STD (due to him inserting his wiener into illicit orifices) or bankrupt (due to him racking up debt in light of his secret passion for phone sex, virtual strip shows, hookers, etc.).

This is the primary differentiator between being a Silas and a counselor / therapist.  In fact, you can even go so far as literally looping his wife in (regarding her man's ongoing stupid), though I don't recommend it.  

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Her reaction (towards him) to his coming clean may very well (& very quickly) dismantle your friendship with your Silee (triangulated blame), but at least you did the right thing by protecting either or both her physical / financial health.

Silence may very well then ensue between you and your Silee.  

And no, you're under no obligation to follow-up with him.  Instead, if you so choose, simply move on.

Flying Straight Into The Flame

My modus operandi throughout the majority of my adult life has been to never back down from a challenge as it pertains to facing (& ultimately staring down / managing) homosexual desires.  Particularly when the man involved is of obvious platonic / relational value to Rob.  For I've come to quickly ascertain that sexual desire is fickle and not at all permanent.  As such, especially considering homosexual attraction's dubiousness, my mantra more often than not is "Who really cares?".

Now, let me rewind the clock for a few minutes.  I do not want to give you, dear reader, the impression that this cavalier attitude towards my sexuality nor my confidence in the "value of friendships" (with men I may be sexually attracted to - to whatever degree) themselves has always been.  Oh, Hell no.  

The first real formal relational attempt (what I'd hoped would be safe / healthy) that I pursued as a young man (tied to me being a Christian husband / father who'd experienced same-sex attraction extemporaneously since his youth) ended very abruptly.  And please know that regarding the moniker, "young man", I was around the age of 35 at the time.  Thankfully, I chalked this almost instantaneous flameout up to inexperience.  Nonetheless, I was quite desperate and very ready to find an authentic friend.  Especially one who might provide me with some sincere support / guidance.  That sincerity / desperation combined with enough confidence in myself, allowed me to quickly pick myself up / brush myself off and carry forward exploring the landscape for friendlys.  

Alas, even then, I began to suspect (& please know that I've never been a default pessimists) how difficult it might be to find authentic friendship even amongst other Christians.  For I was not naive enough to believe that fessing up to having homosexual desires wouldn't complicate matters / raise eyebrows.

Thank goodness I'm a bit of an exhibitionist at heart.

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Can I have a deeply satisfying friendship sans being authentic about my sexuality?  I'd say TODAY yes, but it's what I'd categorize as a 99% friendship. 

Back then, NO.  For no one (other than a handful of therapists, my wife / parents) had known this part of me, and eventually I reached a breaking point.

As such, today, I have subconsciously incorporated my same sex attraction into my "qualifier checklist" that I utilize to adjudicate potential friendships.  Does this mean a more sexually attractive guy might qualify?  Not necessarily within the viewpoint of the man on the street.  But, for me personally, I do find that when my masculine archetype is identified and notably combined with certain other characteristics, I (holistically) take notice.

And that's true for a lot of guys regardless of their sexuality.  Looks / posture / presentableness are impossible to ignore whilst sizing up another human being.

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This past week, I reached out to a Samson Society newcomer (after he'd shared his contact info with me post newcomer meeting) letting him know formally of my desire to befriend him.  I only did this having sought the counsel of a longstanding Samson brother.  For my concern was making this newbie feel cornered, and that was absolutely not my intent.

Nonetheless, this move grew out of me myself feeling exceptionally needy as of late.  Neediness as an outgrowth of some kind of fierce (seasonal?) loneliness.  

So here I am.  Admitting to that and waiting to possibly hear back from newcomer Samson guy, Pete.  And no, I'm not optimistic.  

In closing, I'm thankful to be able to admit to feeling this way over the past month or so, and as strange as it may sound, I'm grateful too for how it's tested my capacity to tolerate a pain that's not been distinctly present for quite some time.  For loneliness is like a low roar, at least for me, 'till it's much, much more.  

And yes, just so you know, I have delved back into gay porn as a result of this.  But nothing other than revisiting a handful of iconic videos from years past.  Videos that bring temporary comfort.  

Please pray for me to have the patience I need to endure this season of feeling alone / unseen. 

And one more thing.

Over the past four years (even during the pandemic), fall represented coming alongside my oldest daughter as she supported her now alma mater's football team as a member of the collegiate dance squad.  All that's come to an end now that she's graduated.  Hence, there's been a sizable shift in our autumn routine.

It's important to know that her college's football team, during the past four years, mostly embarrassed the school, game after game after game (though they did have one winning season which lead to a bowl game).  In light of this wretched ball playing, we only attended game days that were played on home turf, and then, only those that gave us an opportunity to support our daughter's squad in light of some particularly favored performance. 

Nonetheless, today was the first time I truly took stock of this routine being no more.  And I believe it too is taking its toll.   

Hosting A Samson Society Newcomers' Meeting Has Bolstered Rob's Recovery / The Beauty Of Giving Back

Prior to me "gaining access" / being formally invited into the First Baptist Church Jackson in-person Samson Society group back in August of '14, the host, Mr. Don Waller, vetted me via a one-on-one counseling session.  I know for a fact that I was somewhat unique in that regard because I watched, over time, as uncounseled bros would simply step into our meeting with no one having any prior knowledge of them or their story.  As such, there were some individuals who arguably weren't well suited to be involved in this ministry.  

If you know me at all, you've realized that I'm a very straightforward guy.  As such, if I'm going to invest my time / energy in something, unless I'm unable (for whatever reason) to decouple myself at will, I'm going to need to believe that it's not a waste of my time in order to continue forward.  

This is why I partake so little in culturally significant entertainment here at age 53.  It's just so hard for me to look past the notion that I'm staring blankly at a plastic / projection screen whilst pushing plastic buttons.

Too, entertainment isn't real.  Everything is scripted.  Everything is staged.  Everything is driven by profit.  And frankly, it's just the same as it's always been ('80, '90s to today).  

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There's never been a moment when involvement within Samson Society has seemed / felt like a time waster (& that's even when I was hosting an in-person Samson group at our church & there were just one or two brothers faithfully attending).  

Another attribute of Rob's is I feel obligated to give back whenever I've received generously in kind.  I believe this is via the Holy Spirit.  Of course, this isn't always intrinsically possible, but when it is, I'm onboard.

And that leads me to why I jumped at the chance to host a "Newcomer's Meeting" when a slot came available.  

Imagine counseling nine men simultaneously.  I had the opportunity to delve into that during the latest weekly "Newcomers' Meeting" that I had the privilege to host.  

Now, do I do anything other than listen to their stories?  No.  Do I do anything other than listen to how they found this ministry?  No.  Do I do anything besides listening to what their expectations are regarding participating within Samson Society?  No.

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It's like I'm Don Waller now.  Gently assuaging.  Deliberately analyzing.  Deftly summarizing (Samson Society as a whole).

What a privilege to give back.  What a privilege too to be on the cusp of where the Lord will take these brave men as they delve into The Path

 

What's The Secret To Long-Term Involvement Within Samson Society?

There're two parts to properly answering this question.

1.  You must have a strong backbone.  Specifically, you're going to encounter all manner of men.  With stories & personalities that run the gamut.  Over time, you're going to suspect that some of these men aren't part of this community in regard to their recovery.  And it's those that, once you realize this, can truly wear you down / get on your last nerve.  Some of them wear a "recovery persona" (during meetings, in particular) that they use to qualify their presence because they're conscientious to their true intentions (otherwise they'd be mentally ill). 

Samson Society is free / open to the public, therefore all manner of men gravitates to it (in line with their specific "interpersonal crisis" / needs).  Considering the virtual meetings, it's even more of a free for all.  And, I would argue, that much more "socially fluid".  In other words, it's very easy to disguise oneself when you only truly exist within a thumbnail window / within a private chat network like Slack.

As such, keep in mind, this ain't no private, members-only Country Club.  & it absolutely shouldn't be.  This is one of the primary reasons I've invested of myself herein for as long as I have.  

A quick tale:  My wife and I are Presbyterian.  There're numerous reasons for that, but one minute one is Presbyterians tend to not be crazy-ass or dumbasses (low intelligence).  Earlier this year, a crazy couple showed up to our church (there're A LOT of crazy-ass / dumbass people in MS) and immediately began annoying the heck (accosting) out of anyone they were successful in making eye contact with.  Eventually, they drifted away from the church as more and more Presbyterians would bolt whilst seeing them coming their way.  

Samson Society has its proportional share (miniscule minority) of these folks.  And it should.  It's not a church (& certainly not a Presbyterian one).  As such, you must learn to filter through these encounters whilst keeping a high-altitude / overarching perspective.  In kind, you're going to need to brush past the tangential skirmishes that these men tend to provoke within the community itself (whilst absolutely refusing to get involved / passing judgement).

Another hint that works wonders for me:

Focus, focus, focus on the motive behind why you're truly here.  And this leads me to point #2.

2.  You must be a men's minister at heart.  Firstly, for yourself and then for others.  So, what does it mean to be a men's minister?  

You must have a specific curiosity towards men that drives you forward.  All manner of men (including the crazies).  Young, middle-aged, old.  Every demographic, race / creed and sexual orientation.  As such, this curiosity will provide a never-ending drive towards discovering / engaging with men as Jesus exemplified within the gospels and as scripture alludes to as a whole.  

And you do this firstly FOR YOURSELF and your own recovery.  Not to make lifelong friends or to pad your resume.  

Men's ministers feed off other men, and in turn, they're shored up / buttressed in kind.  How?  

I find that first & foremost, it happens by forcing me out of my own head.  Thereby, by marinating on other needs / stories, I can best manage my own (forced perspective).  

Is there anyone on planet Earth who's more "upstairs" than Rob?  I doubt it.  Blame it on me being an only child, I suppose.  Each & every time, via my intentionality, Samson Society provides the opportunity for me to step out of the attic and into the sunlight.

In closing, Jesus made a point to tolerate the Judases and Peters, "sons of thunder" and so forth.  And he did this without driving wedges / tipping his hand as to what his true feelings were for any and all individuals within that motley crue.  Sure, he had his favorites, but those feelings were likely mutual.  

In the end, he loved these men as the ultimate men's minister!  Therefore, it's his example that we should follow as we continued forward along The Path.

Stay committed men.  Samson Society needs your tenure.

Is A Loved One / Friend / Professional Colleague Attempting To Drive A Wedge Between You & A Third Relational Leg (Parent / Common Friend / Professional Colleague or Bossman)? Read On.

Firstly, what is a relational wedge?  

It's an intentional (tangential) relational sabotaging technique used by individuals who feel a grievance has occurred between them and someone they're close to.  In tandem, these individuals often feel intensely justified to drive said wedge, but more often than not, their justification is only rooted in overwhelming negative feelings towards the griever (inflictor of emotional pain).  

But what's unique about wedges is that by definition, there must be at least three closely relationed individuals involved.

1.  The party who experienced the grievance

2.  The griever

[INSERT (POTENTIAL) WEDGE HERE]

3.  The friend / parent / coworker, etc. of both party 1 & 2. 

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What's unusual about some relational wedges is they're actually driven (attempted) forth between child & parent (via the opposing parent).  Why make the effort to do this?  Especially considering the baked-in longevity (stickiness tied to all familial relations) therein.  Nonetheless, let's say the parents are divorced, and now living separately.  And let's assume the divorce didn't occur amiably (as if any truly do).  Divorcee #1 can undoubtedly feel obliged / justified to drive a wedge between the child(ren) and divorcee #2, but just because it feels correct to follow through doesn't mean it's the smartest move long-term.

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A quick (decades old) story:

My first (large-scale, by MS standards) architecture firm job saw me hired on in '96 (by one of the four owners) who just happened to have - somewhat recently - remarried (to one of his employees / my now colleague).  His new honey was almost a decade older than he, and this woman (also a divorcee) had quite the chip on her shoulder (woman scorned...).  And to top that off, she was simply intimidating to boot (physically large / virago - professionally & otherwise).  

This woman is who first introduced me to the "art of driving wedges" within a vocational setting.  As such, as I became more comfortable with my role as an intern, she actively sought to weaken my professional / personal relationship with her husband via wedge driving.  Some of this was subtle but as my tenure increased, it only became more pronounced, especially considering how willing her husband (my boss) was to entertain her drivel.  Nonetheless, I lost more and more respect for both parties as the expected emotional exhaustion mounted.

As I'm sure you realize, I had no clue what I would be stepping into when I took this internship position.  All I knew was I needed employment (to serve as advancement towards eventually sitting for the Architectural Registration Exam).  But, man oh man, did I ever experience so much more.  All thanks to my boss's bed partner.  It was truly soap opera-like.  Yet, I'm so thankful to have walked through this young man experience.  Trial by fire, if you know what I mean.

A quick (much more recent) story (that went down a few years prior to the COVID-19 pandemic):

After coming alongside a newcomer (in-person Samson meeting attendee) that had been ushered / invited in by an old friend, this clinically depressed young man did such the unexpected by effectively driving a wedge between me and two other Samson brothers (+/-18 months into our friendship).  Keep in mind that I was considerably older than these guys.  Hence, their stage of life was so very different than my own.  But too, #1 wasn't from Mississippi, and as such, made it very clear how loathed he was as a "temporary resident".  

As such, I believe I became (to him) sort of a harbinger of all things Mississippi (immediately following my perceived grievance towards him).  As such, I believe, this further motivated him to drive that wedge as deep as he possibly could.

And as a result, just a short year later, that wedge had successfully metastasized into deep seated paranoia regarding Rob.  From there, the other longstanding Samson friendship imploded unexpectedly (yet spectacularly). 

Who would have imagined something like this happening within the auspices of Samson Society? 

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Once wedges are driven / established and the emotional / relational fallout occurs (as a result), you have a choice to make.

A.  Fight for the relationship's (between all THREE parties) "recalibration" ("equalization").  

B.  Politely walk away from the other two parties (as if no such wedge driving had occurred).

If you choose A, you're going to have to successfully bring all everyone together in order for you to insist on a "clearing of the air".  Sometimes this is impossible.  But, if it is, and you're successful in doing so, this can become a heated / passionate discussion that's likely going to deeply impact the standing (future trustworthiness) of #1 (the wedge driver) in light of the relationship's future.  Nevertheless, reconciliation is always a possibility, but especially so within Christian circles.

If you choose B, you're going to need to forgive these folks quickly, completely and quietly whilst moving on.  Why?  There's a good chance you'll bump into these (it's a small world) down the road.  In other words, cut your losses and exit stage left.  

Personally, I've done both and each is hard.  Mostly because you're the victim, therefore not only are you hurting as such but from there, you're saddled with following through with one of these two not at all easy relational choices (which only adds to the pain).

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Lastly, if you dear reader are or have found yourself as a #1 (wedge driver), give yourself some slack.  Relationships are filled with heady emotions.  Plus, talk is cheap.  Those two combined with our baked-in sin nature can make wedge driving (at times) almost impossible to revengefully / deceitfully resist.  Believe me, I speak from experience.

The Recovery Junkie

It's a fact that there're certain men in Samson Society who're only present to appease a spouse / girlfriend, but too, in some of the most unusual (but perhaps not sooooo unusual) scenarios, they're men here as recovery junkies (& then, of course, there's everyone else).  And it's important to know that any of these participation motivators may just imbue some form (if not an awful lot) of recovery within these men which is no doubt a very good thing.  In other words, who cares what the motivator ultimately is? 

I do. 

Years ago, I posted regarding an influential Samson Society newcomer (therapist) who often made (announcing publicly) recovery men's groups analogous to church.  Well, this ain't no church, but for those who force it into that distortion, I'm of the opinion they're too sort of a form of recovery junkie (keep in mind that recovery is medicine NOT booze).

I believe recovery junkies (again, who're not therapists supporting said ministry) typically are / were serial fornicaters / adulterers.  A lot of these men have filed through numerous sexual partners and have either come out the other side a regretful man or are simply playing everyone a fool.  Why is this an important identifier?  An outrageously high number of sex partners equates to two possible motivators.  Either they're a nymphomaniac which isn't at all likely, or they're rifling through folks like one would any other plebeian conquest (guilt-free).  Callousness grows out of the latter.  And I find that recovery junkies can be - to one degree or another - as such. 

What's almost impossible to do well is spot one of these recovery junkies within Samson Society.  And besides, what's to gain by doing so?  But, if you're in a recovery ministry long enough, you'll most definitely suspect them.  Hence, it's interesting to me to honor their inevitable presence with a few descriptors.

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Perhaps it's due to the quantity / platitudes of illicit behavior that sets these recovery junkies up.  Perhaps reaching that plateau literally positions recovery itself as their next "mistress" (I can't take credit for this analogy).  

To circle back to what I mentioned earlier, the most tragic aspect of certain (NOT ALL) recovery junkies is how little recovery actually occurs within their individual lives.  This being in light of their raw dedication to said recovery ministry (attending meetings, retreats, etc.).  

I listened to a portion of a podcast earlier this week that featured what I suspect was some version of a recovery junkie.  In the end, it was his wife who seemingly challenged her husband (twice married to her) therein, and from there, she left (again).  Taking their unique tale into account (that's all one-sided hearsay via said podcast), perhaps they were both - at one time - recovery junkies (who were also making $$$ as a result).

To go back to the church analogy, I can tell you - for a fact - that church pews typically aren't being filled by divorcees.  And the reason for that is because those of us who've never been divorced don't want them there.  This quagmire can set up recovery to become far more to these folks than it was ever meant to be.

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There's "fun" to be had in Samson Society.  That's for sure, but if you're not of the opinion that said involvement within this ministry doesn't ultimately qualify you as a P-E-R-V-E-R-T (with all manner of gravity attached to that word), you may just be moving towards or are a full-blown recovery junkie.  

In closing, what's perhaps a little bit dangerous about these recovery junkies is how influential they potentially can be.  It's important to remember that people are sheep and sheep are low intelligence and very easy influenced.  In line with that is how often sheep look for guidance amongst those who're passionate, compelling (even if their passioned / compelled regarding a distortion) & dedicated. 

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I'll leave you with some bullet points to consider whilst moving through this ministry, in light of you too inevitably rubbing shoulders with some recovery junkies.

-  Over time, illicit behavior definitely becomes easier to admit to (story).  The more you spill your guts, the less messy it seems.  But, when Samson guys hint at a certain slyness to their past travails, know this:  Recovery junkies aren't 100% in recovery for recovery itself.  As such, the gravitas of one's past sin doesn't necessarily ring true with them (as one might expect).

-  Many recovery junkies make no effort to disguise their draw towards the spotlight (of which thankfully there're few within Samson Society), and yes, some recovery junkies will abandon Samson Society fairly quickly because there're so few means to be the center of attention / recognized. 

-  Recovery junkies are quick to leave the "chaff" behind in disgust.  What I'm insinuating here is they're loathed to come alongside "the least of these" (mentally ill, minority, overall ugly ducklings) who just happen to be Samson brothers.

-  Many recovery junkies rarely shut up.  For these, talking incessantly is their modus operandi, for they love to hear themselves twaddle.

Grace Crossing Samson Group Reunion

Last night, I once again made that half hour trek to Canton in anticipation of attending the Grace Crossing Samson Society meeting.  I did so, having been prompted by Mr. Aaron Porter early last week, in light of his weeklong visit to "Samson Mississippi" (please note my previous post therein).  Therefore, just a few minutes post arrival at this beautiful suburban church, The Man arrived, and from there, we made our way towards the rear of the church campus excitedly.

Grace Crossing has expanded considerably since my last visit, having added a sizable children's ministry wing.  I was able to recall that they were just beginning to interview architects for this addition around the time of my last visit.  Nonetheless, whomever designed it, I was impressed with how seamlessly it complements the initial build.

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Mr. Joe McCalman (Grace Crossing Samson meeting facilitator) is a NOLA native.  As such, he's passionate all around, but especially so regarding Grace Crossing church, his family and recovery in general.  Samson Society is so fortunate to have Joe align with all our values, as his passion represents our community very, very well.  I liken it to Mr. Justin Schwind's passion (for those of you that know Justin) just in a more Cajun-style package!

And speaking of Cajun-style, one can't mention this in-person Samson meeting without emphasizing the importance of the after-meeting (typically a restaurant in Madison).  Mr. Joe McCalman is a foodie (both personally & vocationally), and man oh man, does this group ever eat well.   

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What I love the most about this meeting is how laid back it is in light of its calendared position.  There's just something easy about starting one's week off with a Samson meeting, and Sunday at 6 PM qualifies therein.

Be encouraged, my friends, to give this longstanding (since '15 or '16) in-person Samson Society meeting a shot.  You'll be glad you did.

Aaron Porter To Visit Mississippi!

Mr. Aaron Porter (Pirate Monk podcast cohost) will be visiting Mississippi during the week of April 6th.  I'm slated to accompany him to the Grace Crossing in-person Samson meeting on Sunday, (4/6), and schedule permitting, my hope is he'll attend other in-person Jackson, Mississippi Samson groups in kind (while he's here).

Aaron took on a part-time administrative position at Samson House (the nonprofit that underwrites the Samson Society) earlier this year, therefore this trip is in line with those new responsibilities.

For as long as I've been involved in Samson Society (since August '14), Mr. Aaron Porter has thankfully been present.  He's invested countless hours of volunteer time into this men's ministry both via the podcast as well as annual (Samson Summit) / regional retreats ("48 Hours of Frankness").  Aaron is one of the most affable Samson guys I know.  As such, if you have the opportunity to rub shoulders with him next week, you'll not regret it. 

In closing, in the early days (Samson Society), Aaron even worked diligently to star in a film short promoting our communal cause (it unfortunately never got off the ground).

Whilst speaking with Aaron this AM, he touched on all the positive energy / momentum within our community.  Energy that's being focused on tech upgrades (Samson Society website / app), optimization of intensive retreats (including a reduction in costs), building bridges between in-person & virtual Samson community, and on and on.

I'm so fortunate to know Mr. Aaron Porter.  We're privileged to have him visit the Magnolia State next week.

Especially Worthwhile Rewards / Henry's Red Phone

I'm reading Henry Bushkin's Johnny Carson (published in 2014).  Henry details his role (essentially as Johnny's Silas / Jiminy Cricket) as Johnny's entertainment attorney for +/-15 years of his life / career.  Johnny hired Henry within a period of interpersonal/ interprofessional vacuum (no one to trust) just as his second marriage was failing marvelously, and in spite of Henry's youth / inexperience, Johnny trusted him deeply from the outset (timing is everything).

It's an absolutely provocative read that I highly recommend.  Johnny's life was so much better lived / professionally successful with Henry in tow.  And arguably, so was Henry's though Johnny's philandering ways did eventually negatively impact him (to his own marriage's detriment).  

It's important to note that Henry's memoir regarding Johnny wasn't published 'till almost a decade after the entertainer's death, and that it was truly only he who was qualified to narrate those fifteen pivotal years of Johnny's illustriously lived life.

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There's a newbie Samson brother who's attended "Transparent Training Union" (which I host Sundays at 5 PM CST) consistently for +/- one month.  This dude, I also had the privilege of formally introducing Samson Society to via my Saturday morning newcomers' meeting (last month).  

Yesterday, (3/16) during a short "TTU" after meeting, he sincerely asked the remaining Samson men for advice on choosing a Silas.

Sitting there watching this man take Samson Society - combined with own recovery - so seriously, was incredibly humbling to witness.

There're so many men who step into a Samson Society newcomers' meeting, tell their stories, perhaps attend one or two meetings prior to quickly drifting away.  And I'm used to witnessing that and I suppose I should expect it.  But it's so rewarding to see the opposite occur on occasion.  For that was my story.  I seemingly had no other choice than to fully commit, and I was so grateful to have been presented with that opportunity.  

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What this man will find, once he does select a Silas (& I've no doubt he will eventually follow through), is there's a good chance he'll serve him with similar passion / attention as Henry Bushkin served Mr. Johnny Carson.  

In closing, early on in their relationship, Johnny Carson "recommended" that Henry install a red phone in his office, and that phone was to be his private line directly to Henry / Henry's secretary (remember this is decades prior to the invention of cellphones).  

I couldn't help but smile at this reference.