If You're Serving Another Samson Brother As A Silas, Are You Obligated To Follow Up?

Here's the situation:

If you're serving another man as his Silas and his sinful behavior(s) is continuing to incur tangible, long-term collateral damage to his spouse (her health, their finances), you must pressure him to come clean to her.

Why?

Because she's being hurt unknowingly by his ongoing stupidity.  To be more specific, she might end up with an STD (due to him inserting his wiener into illicit orifices) or bankrupt (due to him racking up debt in light of his secret passion for phone sex, virtual strip shows, hookers, etc.).

This is the primary differentiator between being a Silas and a counselor / therapist.  In fact, you can even go so far as literally looping his wife in (regarding her man's ongoing stupid), though I don't recommend it.  

-------------------------

Her reaction (towards him) to his coming clean may very well (& very quickly) dismantle your friendship with your Silee (triangulated blame), but at least you did the right thing by protecting either or both her physical / financial health.

Silence may very well then ensue between you and your Silee.  

And no, you're under no obligation to follow-up with him.  Instead, if you so choose, simply move on.

Flying Straight Into The Flame

My modus operandi throughout the majority of my adult life has been to never back down from a challenge as it pertains to facing (& ultimately staring down / managing) homosexual desires.  Particularly when the man involved is of obvious platonic / relational value to Rob.  For I've come to quickly ascertain that sexual desire is fickle and not at all permanent.  As such, especially considering homosexual attraction's dubiousness, my mantra more often than not is "Who really cares?".

Now, let me rewind the clock for a few minutes.  I do not want to give you, dear reader, the impression that this cavalier attitude towards my sexuality nor my confidence in the "value of friendships" (with men I may be sexually attracted to - to whatever degree) themselves has always been.  Oh, Hell no.  

The first real formal relational attempt (what I'd hoped would be safe / healthy) that I pursued as a young man (tied to me being a Christian husband / father who'd experienced same-sex attraction extemporaneously since his youth) ended very abruptly.  And please know that regarding the moniker, "young man", I was around the age of 35 at the time.  Thankfully, I chalked this almost instantaneous flameout up to inexperience.  Nonetheless, I was quite desperate and very ready to find an authentic friend.  Especially one who might provide me with some sincere support / guidance.  That sincerity / desperation combined with enough confidence in myself, allowed me to quickly pick myself up / brush myself off and carry forward exploring the landscape for friendlys.  

Alas, even then, I began to suspect (& please know that I've never been a default pessimists) how difficult it might be to find authentic friendship even amongst other Christians.  For I was not naive enough to believe that fessing up to having homosexual desires wouldn't complicate matters / raise eyebrows.

Thank goodness I'm a bit of an exhibitionist at heart.

-------------------------

Can I have a deeply satisfying friendship sans being authentic about my sexuality?  I'd say TODAY yes, but it's what I'd categorize as a 99% friendship. 

Back then, NO.  For no one (other than a handful of therapists, my wife / parents) had known this part of me, and eventually I reached a breaking point.

As such, today, I have subconsciously incorporated my same sex attraction into my "qualifier checklist" that I utilize to adjudicate potential friendships.  Does this mean a more sexually attractive guy might qualify?  Not necessarily within the viewpoint of the man on the street.  But, for me personally, I do find that when my masculine archetype is identified and notably combined with certain other characteristics, I (holistically) take notice.

And that's true for a lot of guys regardless of their sexuality.  Looks / posture / presentableness are impossible to ignore whilst sizing up another human being.

-------------------------

This past week, I reached out to a Samson Society newcomer (after he'd shared his contact info with me post newcomer meeting) letting him know formally of my desire to befriend him.  I only did this having sought the counsel of a longstanding Samson brother.  For my concern was making this newbie feel cornered, and that was absolutely not my intent.

Nonetheless, this move grew out of me myself feeling exceptionally needy as of late.  Neediness as an outgrowth of some kind of fierce (seasonal?) loneliness.  

So here I am.  Admitting to that and waiting to possibly hear back from newcomer Samson guy, Pete.  And no, I'm not optimistic.  

In closing, I'm thankful to be able to admit to feeling this way over the past month or so, and as strange as it may sound, I'm grateful too for how it's tested my capacity to tolerate a pain that's not been distinctly present for quite some time.  For loneliness is like a low roar, at least for me, 'till it's much, much more.  

And yes, just so you know, I have delved back into gay porn as a result of this.  But nothing other than revisiting a handful of iconic videos from years past.  Videos that bring temporary comfort.  

Please pray for me to have the patience I need to endure this season of feeling alone / unseen. 

And one more thing.

Over the past four years (even during the pandemic), fall represented coming alongside my oldest daughter as she supported her now alma mater's football team as a member of the collegiate dance squad.  All that's come to an end now that she's graduated.  Hence, there's been a sizable shift in our autumn routine.

It's important to know that her college's football team, during the past four years, mostly embarrassed the school, game after game after game (though they did have one winning season which lead to a bowl game).  In light of this wretched ball playing, we only attended game days that were played on home turf, and then, only those that gave us an opportunity to support our daughter's squad in light of some particularly favored performance. 

Nonetheless, today was the first time I truly took stock of this routine being no more.  And I believe it too is taking its toll.   

Hosting A Samson Society Newcomers' Meeting Has Bolstered Rob's Recovery / The Beauty Of Giving Back

Prior to me "gaining access" / being formally invited into the First Baptist Church Jackson in-person Samson Society group back in August of '14, the host, Mr. Don Waller, vetted me via a one-on-one counseling session.  I know for a fact that I was somewhat unique in that regard because I watched, over time, as uncounseled bros would simply step into our meeting with no one having any prior knowledge of them or their story.  As such, there were some individuals who arguably weren't well suited to be involved in this ministry.  

If you know me at all, you've realized that I'm a very straightforward guy.  As such, if I'm going to invest my time / energy in something, unless I'm unable (for whatever reason) to decouple myself at will, I'm going to need to believe that it's not a waste of my time in order to continue forward.  

This is why I partake so little in culturally significant entertainment here at age 53.  It's just so hard for me to look past the notion that I'm staring blankly at a plastic / projection screen whilst pushing plastic buttons.

Too, entertainment isn't real.  Everything is scripted.  Everything is staged.  Everything is driven by profit.  And frankly, it's just the same as it's always been ('80, '90s to today).  

-------------------------

There's never been a moment when involvement within Samson Society has seemed / felt like a time waster (& that's even when I was hosting an in-person Samson group at our church & there were just one or two brothers faithfully attending).  

Another attribute of Rob's is I feel obligated to give back whenever I've received generously in kind.  I believe this is via the Holy Spirit.  Of course, this isn't always intrinsically possible, but when it is, I'm onboard.

And that leads me to why I jumped at the chance to host a "Newcomer's Meeting" when a slot came available.  

Imagine counseling nine men simultaneously.  I had the opportunity to delve into that during the latest weekly "Newcomers' Meeting" that I had the privilege to host.  

Now, do I do anything other than listen to their stories?  No.  Do I do anything other than listen to how they found this ministry?  No.  Do I do anything besides listening to what their expectations are regarding participating within Samson Society?  No.

-------------------------

It's like I'm Don Waller now.  Gently assuaging.  Deliberately analyzing.  Deftly summarizing (Samson Society as a whole).

What a privilege to give back.  What a privilege too to be on the cusp of where the Lord will take these brave men as they delve into The Path

 

What's The Secret To Long-Term Involvement Within Samson Society?

There're two parts to properly answering this question.

1.  You must have a strong backbone.  Specifically, you're going to encounter all manner of men.  With stories & personalities that run the gamut.  Over time, you're going to suspect that some of these men aren't part of this community in regard to their recovery.  And it's those that, once you realize this, can truly wear you down / get on your last nerve.  Some of them wear a "recovery persona" (during meetings, in particular) that they use to qualify their presence because they're conscientious to their true intentions (otherwise they'd be mentally ill). 

Samson Society is free / open to the public, therefore all manner of men gravitates to it (in line with their specific "interpersonal crisis" / needs).  Considering the virtual meetings, it's even more of a free for all.  And, I would argue, that much more "socially fluid".  In other words, it's very easy to disguise oneself when you only truly exist within a thumbnail window / within a private chat network like Slack.

As such, keep in mind, this ain't no private, members-only Country Club.  & it absolutely shouldn't be.  This is one of the primary reasons I've invested of myself herein for as long as I have.  

A quick tale:  My wife and I are Presbyterian.  There're numerous reasons for that, but one minute one is Presbyterians tend to not be crazy-ass or dumbasses (low intelligence).  Earlier this year, a crazy couple showed up to our church (there're A LOT of crazy-ass / dumbass people in MS) and immediately began annoying the heck (accosting) out of anyone they were successful in making eye contact with.  Eventually, they drifted away from the church as more and more Presbyterians would bolt whilst seeing them coming their way.  

Samson Society has its proportional share (miniscule minority) of these folks.  And it should.  It's not a church (& certainly not a Presbyterian one).  As such, you must learn to filter through these encounters whilst keeping a high-altitude / overarching perspective.  In kind, you're going to need to brush past the tangential skirmishes that these men tend to provoke within the community itself (whilst absolutely refusing to get involved / passing judgement).

Another hint that works wonders for me:

Focus, focus, focus on the motive behind why you're truly here.  And this leads me to point #2.

2.  You must be a men's minister at heart.  Firstly, for yourself and then for others.  So, what does it mean to be a men's minister?  

You must have a specific curiosity towards men that drives you forward.  All manner of men (including the crazies).  Young, middle-aged, old.  Every demographic, race / creed and sexual orientation.  As such, this curiosity will provide a never-ending drive towards discovering / engaging with men as Jesus exemplified within the gospels and as scripture alludes to as a whole.  

And you do this firstly FOR YOURSELF and your own recovery.  Not to make lifelong friends or to pad your resume.  

Men's ministers feed off other men, and in turn, they're shored up / buttressed in kind.  How?  

I find that first & foremost, it happens by forcing me out of my own head.  Thereby, by marinating on other needs / stories, I can best manage my own (forced perspective).  

Is there anyone on planet Earth who's more "upstairs" than Rob?  I doubt it.  Blame it on me being an only child, I suppose.  Each & every time, via my intentionality, Samson Society provides the opportunity for me to step out of the attic and into the sunlight.

In closing, Jesus made a point to tolerate the Judases and Peters, "sons of thunder" and so forth.  And he did this without driving wedges / tipping his hand as to what his true feelings were for any and all individuals within that motley crue.  Sure, he had his favorites, but those feelings were likely mutual.  

In the end, he loved these men as the ultimate men's minister!  Therefore, it's his example that we should follow as we continued forward along The Path.

Stay committed men.  Samson Society needs your tenure.

Is A Loved One / Friend / Professional Colleague Attempting To Drive A Wedge Between You & A Third Relational Leg (Parent / Common Friend / Professional Colleague or Bossman)? Read On.

Firstly, what is a relational wedge?  

It's an intentional (tangential) relational sabotaging technique used by individuals who feel a grievance has occurred between them and someone they're close to.  In tandem, these individuals often feel intensely justified to drive said wedge, but more often than not, their justification is only rooted in overwhelming negative feelings towards the griever (inflictor of emotional pain).  

But what's unique about wedges is that by definition, there must be at least three closely relationed individuals involved.

1.  The party who experienced the grievance

2.  The griever

[INSERT (POTENTIAL) WEDGE HERE]

3.  The friend / parent / coworker, etc. of both party 1 & 2. 

-------------------------

What's unusual about some relational wedges is they're actually driven (attempted) forth between child & parent (via the opposing parent).  Why make the effort to do this?  Especially considering the baked-in longevity (stickiness tied to all familial relations) therein.  Nonetheless, let's say the parents are divorced, and now living separately.  And let's assume the divorce didn't occur amiably (as if any truly do).  Divorcee #1 can undoubtedly feel obliged / justified to drive a wedge between the child(ren) and divorcee #2, but just because it feels correct to follow through doesn't mean it's the smartest move long-term.

-------------------------

A quick (decades old) story:

My first (large-scale, by MS standards) architecture firm job saw me hired on in '96 (by one of the four owners) who just happened to have - somewhat recently - remarried (to one of his employees / my now colleague).  His new honey was almost a decade older than he, and this woman (also a divorcee) had quite the chip on her shoulder (woman scorned...).  And to top that off, she was simply intimidating to boot (physically large / virago - professionally & otherwise).  

This woman is who first introduced me to the "art of driving wedges" within a vocational setting.  As such, as I became more comfortable with my role as an intern, she actively sought to weaken my professional / personal relationship with her husband via wedge driving.  Some of this was subtle but as my tenure increased, it only became more pronounced, especially considering how willing her husband (my boss) was to entertain her drivel.  Nonetheless, I lost more and more respect for both parties as the expected emotional exhaustion mounted.

As I'm sure you realize, I had no clue what I would be stepping into when I took this internship position.  All I knew was I needed employment (to serve as advancement towards eventually sitting for the Architectural Registration Exam).  But, man oh man, did I ever experience so much more.  All thanks to my boss's bed partner.  It was truly soap opera-like.  Yet, I'm so thankful to have walked through this young man experience.  Trial by fire, if you know what I mean.

A quick (much more recent) story (that went down a few years prior to the COVID-19 pandemic):

After coming alongside a newcomer (in-person Samson meeting attendee) that had been ushered / invited in by an old friend, this clinically depressed young man did such the unexpected by effectively driving a wedge between me and two other Samson brothers (+/-18 months into our friendship).  Keep in mind that I was considerably older than these guys.  Hence, their stage of life was so very different than my own.  But too, #1 wasn't from Mississippi, and as such, made it very clear how loathed he was as a "temporary resident".  

As such, I believe I became (to him) sort of a harbinger of all things Mississippi (immediately following my perceived grievance towards him).  As such, I believe, this further motivated him to drive that wedge as deep as he possibly could.

And as a result, just a short year later, that wedge had successfully metastasized into deep seated paranoia regarding Rob.  From there, the other longstanding Samson friendship imploded unexpectedly (yet spectacularly). 

Who would have imagined something like this happening within the auspices of Samson Society? 

------------------------- 

Once wedges are driven / established and the emotional / relational fallout occurs (as a result), you have a choice to make.

A.  Fight for the relationship's (between all THREE parties) "recalibration" ("equalization").  

B.  Politely walk away from the other two parties (as if no such wedge driving had occurred).

If you choose A, you're going to have to successfully bring all everyone together in order for you to insist on a "clearing of the air".  Sometimes this is impossible.  But, if it is, and you're successful in doing so, this can become a heated / passionate discussion that's likely going to deeply impact the standing (future trustworthiness) of #1 (the wedge driver) in light of the relationship's future.  Nevertheless, reconciliation is always a possibility, but especially so within Christian circles.

If you choose B, you're going to need to forgive these folks quickly, completely and quietly whilst moving on.  Why?  There's a good chance you'll bump into these (it's a small world) down the road.  In other words, cut your losses and exit stage left.  

Personally, I've done both and each is hard.  Mostly because you're the victim, therefore not only are you hurting as such but from there, you're saddled with following through with one of these two not at all easy relational choices (which only adds to the pain).

-------------------------

Lastly, if you dear reader are or have found yourself as a #1 (wedge driver), give yourself some slack.  Relationships are filled with heady emotions.  Plus, talk is cheap.  Those two combined with our baked-in sin nature can make wedge driving (at times) almost impossible to revengefully / deceitfully resist.  Believe me, I speak from experience.

The Recovery Junkie

It's a fact that there're certain men in Samson Society who're only present to appease a spouse / girlfriend, but too, in some of the most unusual (but perhaps not sooooo unusual) scenarios, they're men here as recovery junkies (& then, of course, there's everyone else).  And it's important to know that any of these participation motivators may just imbue some form (if not an awful lot) of recovery within these men which is no doubt a very good thing.  In other words, who cares what the motivator ultimately is? 

I do. 

Years ago, I posted regarding an influential Samson Society newcomer (therapist) who often made (announcing publicly) recovery men's groups analogous to church.  Well, this ain't no church, but for those who force it into that distortion, I'm of the opinion they're too sort of a form of recovery junkie (keep in mind that recovery is medicine NOT booze).

I believe recovery junkies (again, who're not therapists supporting said ministry) typically are / were serial fornicaters / adulterers.  A lot of these men have filed through numerous sexual partners and have either come out the other side a regretful man or are simply playing everyone a fool.  Why is this an important identifier?  An outrageously high number of sex partners equates to two possible motivators.  Either they're a nymphomaniac which isn't at all likely, or they're rifling through folks like one would any other plebeian conquest (guilt-free).  Callousness grows out of the latter.  And I find that recovery junkies can be - to one degree or another - as such. 

What's almost impossible to do well is spot one of these recovery junkies within Samson Society.  And besides, what's to gain by doing so?  But, if you're in a recovery ministry long enough, you'll most definitely suspect them.  Hence, it's interesting to me to honor their inevitable presence with a few descriptors.

-------------------------

Perhaps it's due to the quantity / platitudes of illicit behavior that sets these recovery junkies up.  Perhaps reaching that plateau literally positions recovery itself as their next "mistress" (I can't take credit for this analogy).  

To circle back to what I mentioned earlier, the most tragic aspect of certain (NOT ALL) recovery junkies is how little recovery actually occurs within their individual lives.  This being in light of their raw dedication to said recovery ministry (attending meetings, retreats, etc.).  

I listened to a portion of a podcast earlier this week that featured what I suspect was some version of a recovery junkie.  In the end, it was his wife who seemingly challenged her husband (twice married to her) therein, and from there, she left (again).  Taking their unique tale into account (that's all one-sided hearsay via said podcast), perhaps they were both - at one time - recovery junkies (who were also making $$$ as a result).

To go back to the church analogy, I can tell you - for a fact - that church pews typically aren't being filled by divorcees.  And the reason for that is because those of us who've never been divorced don't want them there.  This quagmire can set up recovery to become far more to these folks than it was ever meant to be.

-------------------------

There's "fun" to be had in Samson Society.  That's for sure, but if you're not of the opinion that said involvement within this ministry doesn't ultimately qualify you as a P-E-R-V-E-R-T (with all manner of gravity attached to that word), you may just be moving towards or are a full-blown recovery junkie.  

In closing, what's perhaps a little bit dangerous about these recovery junkies is how influential they potentially can be.  It's important to remember that people are sheep and sheep are low intelligence and very easy influenced.  In line with that is how often sheep look for guidance amongst those who're passionate, compelling (even if their passioned / compelled regarding a distortion) & dedicated. 

-------------------------

I'll leave you with some bullet points to consider whilst moving through this ministry, in light of you too inevitably rubbing shoulders with some recovery junkies.

-  Over time, illicit behavior definitely becomes easier to admit to (story).  The more you spill your guts, the less messy it seems.  But, when Samson guys hint at a certain slyness to their past travails, know this:  Recovery junkies aren't 100% in recovery for recovery itself.  As such, the gravitas of one's past sin doesn't necessarily ring true with them (as one might expect).

-  Many recovery junkies make no effort to disguise their draw towards the spotlight (of which thankfully there're few within Samson Society), and yes, some recovery junkies will abandon Samson Society fairly quickly because there're so few means to be the center of attention / recognized. 

-  Recovery junkies are quick to leave the "chaff" behind in disgust.  What I'm insinuating here is they're loathed to come alongside "the least of these" (mentally ill, minority, overall ugly ducklings) who just happen to be Samson brothers.

-  Many recovery junkies rarely shut up.  For these, talking incessantly is their modus operandi, for they love to hear themselves twaddle.

Grace Crossing Samson Group Reunion

Last night, I once again made that half hour trek to Canton in anticipation of attending the Grace Crossing Samson Society meeting.  I did so, having been prompted by Mr. Aaron Porter early last week, in light of his weeklong visit to "Samson Mississippi" (please note my previous post therein).  Therefore, just a few minutes post arrival at this beautiful suburban church, The Man arrived, and from there, we made our way towards the rear of the church campus excitedly.

Grace Crossing has expanded considerably since my last visit, having added a sizable children's ministry wing.  I was able to recall that they were just beginning to interview architects for this addition around the time of my last visit.  Nonetheless, whomever designed it, I was impressed with how seamlessly it complements the initial build.

-------------------------

Mr. Joe McCalman (Grace Crossing Samson meeting facilitator) is a NOLA native.  As such, he's passionate all around, but especially so regarding Grace Crossing church, his family and recovery in general.  Samson Society is so fortunate to have Joe align with all our values, as his passion represents our community very, very well.  I liken it to Mr. Justin Schwind's passion (for those of you that know Justin) just in a more Cajun-style package!

And speaking of Cajun-style, one can't mention this in-person Samson meeting without emphasizing the importance of the after-meeting (typically a restaurant in Madison).  Mr. Joe McCalman is a foodie (both personally & vocationally), and man oh man, does this group ever eat well.   

-------------------------

What I love the most about this meeting is how laid back it is in light of its calendared position.  There's just something easy about starting one's week off with a Samson meeting, and Sunday at 6 PM qualifies therein.

Be encouraged, my friends, to give this longstanding (since '15 or '16) in-person Samson Society meeting a shot.  You'll be glad you did.

Aaron Porter To Visit Mississippi!

Mr. Aaron Porter (Pirate Monk podcast cohost) will be visiting Mississippi during the week of April 6th.  I'm slated to accompany him to the Grace Crossing in-person Samson meeting on Sunday, (4/6), and schedule permitting, my hope is he'll attend other in-person Jackson, Mississippi Samson groups in kind (while he's here).

Aaron took on a part-time administrative position at Samson House (the nonprofit that underwrites the Samson Society) earlier this year, therefore this trip is in line with those new responsibilities.

For as long as I've been involved in Samson Society (since August '14), Mr. Aaron Porter has thankfully been present.  He's invested countless hours of volunteer time into this men's ministry both via the podcast as well as annual (Samson Summit) / regional retreats ("48 Hours of Frankness").  Aaron is one of the most affable Samson guys I know.  As such, if you have the opportunity to rub shoulders with him next week, you'll not regret it. 

In closing, in the early days (Samson Society), Aaron even worked diligently to star in a film short promoting our communal cause (it unfortunately never got off the ground).

Whilst speaking with Aaron this AM, he touched on all the positive energy / momentum within our community.  Energy that's being focused on tech upgrades (Samson Society website / app), optimization of intensive retreats (including a reduction in costs), building bridges between in-person & virtual Samson community, and on and on.

I'm so fortunate to know Mr. Aaron Porter.  We're privileged to have him visit the Magnolia State next week.

Especially Worthwhile Rewards / Henry's Red Phone

I'm reading Henry Bushkin's Johnny Carson (published in 2014).  Henry details his role (essentially as Johnny's Silas / Jiminy Cricket) as Johnny's entertainment attorney for +/-15 years of his life / career.  Johnny hired Henry within a period of interpersonal/ interprofessional vacuum (no one to trust) just as his second marriage was failing marvelously, and in spite of Henry's youth / inexperience, Johnny trusted him deeply from the outset (timing is everything).

It's an absolutely provocative read that I highly recommend.  Johnny's life was so much better lived / professionally successful with Henry in tow.  And arguably, so was Henry's though Johnny's philandering ways did eventually negatively impact him (to his own marriage's detriment).  

It's important to note that Henry's memoir regarding Johnny wasn't published 'till almost a decade after the entertainer's death, and that it was truly only he who was qualified to narrate those fifteen pivotal years of Johnny's illustriously lived life.

-------------------------

There's a newbie Samson brother who's attended "Transparent Training Union" (which I host Sundays at 5 PM CST) consistently for +/- one month.  This dude, I also had the privilege of formally introducing Samson Society to via my Saturday morning newcomers' meeting (last month).  

Yesterday, (3/16) during a short "TTU" after meeting, he sincerely asked the remaining Samson men for advice on choosing a Silas.

Sitting there watching this man take Samson Society - combined with own recovery - so seriously, was incredibly humbling to witness.

There're so many men who step into a Samson Society newcomers' meeting, tell their stories, perhaps attend one or two meetings prior to quickly drifting away.  And I'm used to witnessing that and I suppose I should expect it.  But it's so rewarding to see the opposite occur on occasion.  For that was my story.  I seemingly had no other choice than to fully commit, and I was so grateful to have been presented with that opportunity.  

-------------------------

What this man will find, once he does select a Silas (& I've no doubt he will eventually follow through), is there's a good chance he'll serve him with similar passion / attention as Henry Bushkin served Mr. Johnny Carson.  

In closing, early on in their relationship, Johnny Carson "recommended" that Henry install a red phone in his office, and that phone was to be his private line directly to Henry / Henry's secretary (remember this is decades prior to the invention of cellphones).  

I couldn't help but smile at this reference.

Advice To Samson Newcomers

I truly enjoy hosting a newcomers' meeting on Saturday mornings.  To initially hear these men's stories and how they came to take their first steps into our community is such the privilege.  As such, I feel so moved to offer them specifically some advice going forward.

--------------------------

My oldest daughter is in relationship crisis.  And it's with her first romantic relationship.  At the same time, her best friend since high school is (for all intents & purposes) getting engaged (to be married) today (they're the same age, both seniors in college).  

Crisis in my daughter has bred a distinct maturation towards her faith in tandem with some unexpected reaching out to her parents for advice / solace.  And just so you know, my daughter's romantic relationship crisis is forcing her to face her longstanding discounting of (me) her father's lifelong issues.  Hence, it's made for an interesting twist.

-------------------------

Crisis is the ideal place a Samson newcomer finds himself.  In tandem with that, are usually others (spouse, girlfriend, friends, parents) the newfound Samson brother loves / cares for.  My advice - embrace it and use it to motivate.

From there, attend meetings in order to learn about your brothers' stories.  Listen intently.  Learn / be inspired / challenged by them.  Never see them as less than yourself.  And absolutely never, ever see yourself as anything other than their equal (even if they choose to elevate you to some degree or another).  Besides offering a listening ear, actively pray for them and the details surrounding their lives.  Ultimately, get as involved in their lives as you feel will benefit both you and them in accordance with The Path.  This involvement will run counter to the destructive patterns that brought you into crisis.

As quickly as possible, establish guardrails on your access to whatever it is that you're in bondage to.  If it's salacious digital content, drugs / alcohol, utilize proven approaches (some of which will cost $$$ / feel isolating) to protect your crisis self from fallbacks. In kind, lean into your Samson brothers for support therein. 

Let go of wanting to feel / present yourself to the world as "normal".

-------------------------

Find men - all manner of men - you're platonically attracted to within Samson Society and pursue them as friends / brothers in Christ.  Allow that love for them / received by them to heal your heart over time (as God works in and through them).  

How exactly to see this through?

Make yourself vulnerable by divulging your feelings / needs regarding yourself and towards them specifically.  Share openly about where you're at in your recovery.  It will foster / encourage an exchange that may very well serve as foundational fodder for deeper and deeper friendship.

-------------------------

Each of my five years of (MSU) architecture school saw my particular class saddled with designing some semblance of a museum.  I have to believe that our professors simply refused to coordinate our studies semester-to-semester, year-to-year therefore museum projects were unfortunately doled out on repeat (culminating in our 4th year competition project being a new state of MS art museum sited in downtown Jackson).  

As such, by the end of my five-year architecture school career, I had a tremendous amount of confidence therein with that project type (as well as a whole lotta repetitive disinterest).

2-3 years into my actual career, I was given the opportunity to design a library.  And then another.  And another.  The process became easier as time went on as the repetition (& mastery) set in.  But I never grew (as) tired of that building type.  Why?  Because these were actual built projects.

Eventually, most projects did grow somewhat repetitive as the process itself never changed in spite of the shift away from drawing to computer modeling (BIM).  

From there, I began administrating (though no longer designing) to-be-built projects all across the state exclusively (via my position at the state of MS).  And I loved this work.

-------------------------

The stakes are no doubt higher when you're designing projects that will be constructed / change / add to the built environment.  It's like moving from fantasy to reality via your relationships.  Sound familiar?

For me, within my recovery journey, Samson Society presented an opportunity to engage in reality / with real men and their stories, but doing so within a controlled environment that's conducive to fostering brotherhood.  Those men, over the past decade, are too many to count.  For each is equally an asset within my journey (each representing a steppingstone, if you will).

Today, I host a newcomer meeting as somewhat an administrator, if you will, though not in the least as an overseer / direct report.  For as we all know, there's none of that in Samson Society (which keeps it from playing out like a religious / recovery cult).   

The journey, for me, within this ministry has some resemblance to my career as an architect.  I've only begun to see that.

-------------------------

In closing, engage with this community to meet your needs (serving yourself well) within your individual recovery.  As such, you will find that disappointments and frustrations (& you will no doubt run headlong into these) are greatly minimized simply due to how closely you're focused on your day-to-day journey.  

Desperation To Be Seen

I often ask Samson brothers who're just beginning the recovery journey, "What is it that you're truly looking for whilst consuming pornographic content?" 

For me, as a teen who found himself deeply entrenched in same sex attraction, it was the notion of being seen that hooked me deeper and deeper in.  Of course, all manner of physical beauty (photographed / filmed beautifully) certainly tapped into my artistic eye (as described in detail within my last post), but the deep-seated void, if you will, was centered on a desperate loneliness / feeling of isolation that was well beyond typical teenage angst.  

-------------------------

One of my first architect bosses was genuinely interested in being seen in his own right.  I don't know what exactly drove this behavior, but it manifests itself via his constant attempt to visually impress his fellow man (& too, like me, was his ever-present penchant for the beautiful - clothes, shoes, automobiles, homes).  Specifically, my boss always wore the nicest clothes (shoes especially), drove the finest automobile, and lived in the poshest home (within the far upper end of his specific budget).  As such, these items were upgraded quite often.  To the point that every time you looked up, a new (spotlessly clean) vehicle was parked in his reserved space at the office.

I used to pity this behavior, but today, I realize how similar he and I truly were / are.

Being seen is really, really important to some, if not all men.  For those chronic feelings of isolation / loneliness truly suck.

-------------------------

I began to know Jesus intimately early on as a teen, but mostly this knowing came from Scripture / (excellent) preaching and a boatload of fairly homogenous Mississippi (deacon body within our church) men.  

To segue from there, I also knew a boatload of pagan Mississippi men (extended family, friends' dads, neighborhood fathers, teachers) as a boy, and though there were distinct differences in persona / demographic, I had a tough time relating to any of them.

As such, becoming a man scared the hell out of me, knowing so little collectively from the representatives within my viewpoint. 

As an aside, I believe most men within earshot of me (as a young man) mistook this fear for arrogance / piety which only isolated me further.

There was only one man (besides my sweet, sweet grandfather) who saw me with any real clarity.  And that was my first boss at Chick-A-Fil.  In so many ways, he was a surrogate dad, and what a gift to me he was!  For not only did he see me unabashedly, but he lived his life in such a way that reflected his peace of mind as it pertained to being seen well himself.  Chris was amazing.

-------------------------

Consuming gay porn, to me, was the safest ("protecting" those around me) means for me to feel seen.  It involved no other (real) men.  Plus, I could "control" the relationship since it felt so very one-sided.  

My desire to never harm anyone, in spite of my desperate need, kept me laser focused on this private approach.  

When the Internet hit the scene though, its (porn content) voracity instantly became unmanageable (a small creek bed instantaneously became the Mississippi River).  

Of course, Satan knew he was setting me up for bondage whilst inevitably taking the leap from analog to digital.  All the while making me that much more vulnerable as the Internet became more and more mainstream.

-------------------------

I discussed veneering within my last post.  In many ways, identifying that has been my salvation.  I've watched the Holy Spirit hack away (at the veneering) therein, exposing the idol for what it truly is, roots and all.  

All of this is now coming together to deeply impact my understanding of my boyhood self.  To resurrect him, so to speak.  

In line with that is the reminder of all my past sin.  Sin rooted in lust.  It's daunting, for sure, but I will not allow it to trip up my progress.

-------------------------

In closing...

How is it that God chose me as his child?  Why would he care enough about my core needs (being seen) to bring me into Samson Society back in August of 2014?

The Christian men I've met (many of which I've closely befriended) see me and in turn, I work diligently to see them.

And they just keep coming.  Thanks be to God for this ministry.  It's been and continues to be how I best manage my needs.  

A Powerful Stream Of Piss

One way to ensure high pressure urination is to hold it in for a while.  Another way is to acquiesce one's genitals into their "best" (most pleasurable) behavior (coitus).  & I don't say that in jest.  Everyone (ideally) hopes to show their lover a good time when the time comes (sorry).  And by that very hopeful goal / definition, the resulting acidic release will no doubt be impressive.   

But can we not also hedge this truth up against the idealism put on display whilst attempting to kindle a new friendship?  And in line with that, the release after the fact, once we finally allow ourselves to exhale / let out our gut?

Friendships are built over time, but firstly, they must be initiated by someone.  From there, an intimate encounter must occur where both parties participate in equal measure.  Perhaps this is a "eat / meet up", golf outing, hunting, fishing, etc.  Whatever is of interest to both parties.  Whether it's individuals or entire clans.

And this encounter takes a lot of energy.  For most everyone wants to put their best foot forward.  At least initially.  Too, there's simply the focus required to perform versus the after-the-fact involuntary exercise of relieving oneself (letting one's hair down).

-------------------------

Now, I realize not everyone agrees with this "Jekyll / Hyde" approach to relational charm 100%.  Some would rather mix & match here in order to "present more authentically".  But for me, I typically do gravitate towards charm versus gravitas as a first priority.  And I believe that has something to do with my southern upbringing. 

For a beautifully set table says a lot, don't you think? 

-------------------------

Last summer, I began to notice some very out-of-the-ordinary activity at one of our neighbors' homes.  And mostly this was due to my years-long knowledge that this abode was a rental, and a very ugly (architecturally) rental at that, situated on a less-than-ideal lot.  Surprisingly, whomever was now living there had taken an interest in its upkeep!  I could hear lawn equipment in full swing combined with the impossible to miss minor upgrades such as outdoor string lights draped above the back porch, etc.   

As a result, I made a point to drop by and introduce myself.  I was delighted to find the family to be engaging and kind, and they seemed deeply grateful for the handshake / welcome from my oldest daughter and me.  Eventually, a formal invite to dinner (at our abode across the street) was delivered, but it didn't actually occur (due to their rigorous family schedule) 'till right at the tail end of last year.   

-------------------------

What made this all the more significant was the history of homeowners / tenants who'd resided within that ugly eyesore of a home.  A history that mostly consisted of difficulties / disappointments that we were keen to forget.  Hence, a fresh start was upon us, and we were elated.

Eventually, mid-December came.  I remember coming home from work early to assist everyone for our guests' (Dad / mom / son / teenage daughter) Friday night arrival.

A quick sidenote:  What I hadn't accounted for was the time lapsed (+/-6 months) since making first (brief) contact with this white, middle-class fam.  Hence, they'd now truly settled into their rental with its history / shortcomings having soaked in thoroughly.  

As such, they were obviously affected overall due to the limitations / permutations of their temporary home (they were / are actively planning / constructing a rural homestead far and away from our suburban enclave).

After their departure (they hung out with us for about 90 minutes), I hoped forlornly that they'd take up our offer to visit our church, especially considering the Xmas season being upon us.  

They didn't.

What we did learn was how vital it was for the majority of the clan to escape their rental home via weekend deer hunting treks to south MS (it's important to know that both children wore camouflage attire to our dinner party).  

-------------------------

The hardest part about this failed attempt to gain newfound friends was knowing that it wasn't us.  It was their circumstances that kept them from connecting therein.  For that "cursed" house simply had run its accelerated course as it pertained to both their immediate and long-term outlook.  And it did so via being a constant reminder of their transient status combined with its less-than-ideal living conditions for themselves + their pets.  

Hence, we felt unfairly (though only tangentially) sort of responsible - by proxy - of their discomfort in spite of our attempts to be neighborly.  

-------------------------

Samson Society is well represented by this family's temporary plight.  It's a (hopefully) pivot point to a better place.   

But what's interesting therein is, in terms of the initial Samson Society intro (of yourself), it's the urination that's most vital versus any semblance of presentation performance (formalities).  And some of us are better at this than others.  

I love this...

In closing, remember where you once were, my Samson brother, when you first stepped foot into a meeting.  As such, encourage newbies to pee, all the more, 'till they've fully relieved themselves.  And this may take months, if not years, of being listened to.  For their troubles didn't happen overnight, and it will take time for their permanent / new home to be planned / constructed.   

As such, love them where they're at, patiently waiting for them to realize / recognize that you were once right there too.   

Curiosity Guardrails

As a 52-year-old, I have and continue to be a very curious person.  And this curiosity primarily is seated towards men / boys / males.  Whether it's interpersonal, business, church, if males are involved therein, I'm curious as to who these dudes are specifically / what motivates them to be involved / their backstory, etc.  In other words, if I had been Steve Trevor, landing on Themyscira by accident, I would likely have quickly died from boredom.  Why?  To Rob, women, in particular, are incredibly boring / uninteresting handiworks of the Creator God.  And no, that statement doesn't automatically make me a misogynist.  For I love my wife and my daughters with my whole heart.  

As such, women / girls / females are of distinct value, but overall, I MUCH PREFER being opportunistic regarding rubbing shoulders with men / boys / males. & for the most part, this curiosity is rooted in my own gender combined with my distinct inability to see myself (good, bad or ugly) therein.  Combine those two together and you have an endless supply of motivation to be man / boy / male curious / associative.

A distinct benefit of my men / boy / male curiosity / fascination is it has allowed me to clinically analyze the cultural choice that so many men have made as it pertains to their homosexual desires, and the keyword there is clinically.  And I've been doing this from early on within my life as I crossed paths with in-person men prior to also overlaying that MO with those who present themselves online.  Earlier this week, I delved into a podcast that's hook is interviewing hyper-masculine gay porn stars.  And it was fascinating.  To have that granular opportunity here in 2025 is amazing.  For it allows me to see / understand / confirm my choices by analyzing - up close & personal - theirs.  All the while satiating my curiosity appetite (in ways that do not involve gay porn).  

-------------------------

And that serves as a lovely segue into the ease of access of gay porn and why that's such an issue for me.

Covenant Eyes is my lifesaver.  It puts guardrails on my insatiable curiosity yet not so much that I feel like I'm being treated as if I'm a child.  

I have one Ally who monitors the CE reporting and WILL reach out if he sees activity (he receives my report on Monday) therein that seems abnormal.

This man is local, and we've known each other for many years (originating within in-person Samson Society).  I respect this man enough to know how his presence as my Ally influences my behavior online.

-------------------------

What's unusual is how effective this is overall.  Now, there have been rare occasions (tail end of last year) where I've been lackadaisical, and this has resulted in me delving into gay porn consumption no holds barred (for a week or two).  But this approach / attitude isn't the norm.  

Nonetheless, if throwing caution to the wind does rear its head more than usual, I may very well turn on filtering within the CE sentinel software as a means to an end.  Thankfully, at this point, I've never had to do that.

-------------------------

And yes, there are times when CE "craps out" and needs reinstallation.  All software has this trait, and mostly it's due to CE not being able to readily keep up with OS updates - rung to rung.  

In closing, CE is a huge partner of Samson Society.  I love this especially about their company. Countless men hear about Samson Society via their engagement with Covenant Eyes. 

All this being said, I just purchased a CE lifetime membership and am proud for it.

Thank you, Covenant Eyes for orchestrating my online behavior for the better.

Ready To Listen? Ready To Be Heard? If So, Samson Society Might Just Be For You In 2025.

Mr. Nate Larkin has been hosting one of the (5-6 per week) "newcomer meetings" for quite a while now.  These meetings serve as a clearinghouse for men who're interested in joining Samson Society (gaining access to virtual meetings / Slack, etc.), and it's assumed they've never attended an in-person Samson meeting (i.e. they're very green).  

In essence, newcomers are able to reserve a seat at (again, 5-6 offered per week) upcoming newcomers' meetings on the homepage of www.samsonsociety.com.  From there, they receive an email invitation which gives them access at the set day / time of their scheduled meeting.  

I had the privilege to officially take the reins of Nate's regularly hosted newcomers' meeting this past Saturday, (12/28) in response to Nate's wife's request to be able to spend the full Saturday(s) with him going forward.  It was a whole lot of fun.

-------------------------

The newcomers' meeting firstly, in my mind, needs to provide these men - who're brave enough to step up - with a concise description of what exactly Samson Society is and how it works.  And these newcomer meeting's foundations laid therein already does bring that to bare.  How so?  There's a specific newcomers' meeting slide deck that provides a one-to-one overview of a standard format Samson meeting.  As such, it's expected that me as the host, breeze through these at some point during the hour.  Besides that, what I also observed Mr. Nate Larkin relay were specific details as to his journey within 12-steps groups and how he'd attempted to overlay many of those attributes in light of his desire to foster similarly positive experiences within Samson Society (a personal justification / origin story of the Samson ethos).  

Therefore, there's a template here, but in regard to Nate's position as founder, he also brought so much firsthand narrative to the table.

But one truth that I keep coming back to is how - within a standard format meeting - guys essentially are given the opportunity / expectation to both listen intently whilst talking openly themselves sans any feedback.  This, to me, is what sets Samson Society apart.

-------------------------

We are a culture built on individualism.  Individualism that's customizable to the nth degree.  This western culture approach has grown out of another cultural lynchpin.  That being unending criticism - from every side.  We westerners spend an enormous amount of energy / time critiquing everything around us.  And this is an outgrowth of our being image bearers.  For God offers the ultimate critique as he adjudicates our hearts with the deepest and most resolute sincerity.  

Because of this, we hide an awful lot of ourselves or choose to live separate lives depending on the surroundings we might find ourselves within.  And this is an inevitability, though as we age, I do believe there can / should be less and less of this default shielding.

Therefore, for those of us who find the results of these various approaches stilting, debilitating, suffocating, genuinely exhausting, I offer you Samson Society.  

And no, you don't have to have issues with anything especially compulsory or addictive to qualify.    

  

When Seduction / Sexual Conquest Fuel A Man's Masculinity Engine / "Boys Will Be Boys"

Perhaps you've heard the term "serial adulterer".  Or perhaps "womanizer".  Numerous high-profile entertainers (TV, film, music, sports) are labeled as such.  And that makes sense.  They're entertainers.  Suave.  Confident.  And oftentimes, very, very professionally successful (or at least aspiring / appearing to be).  

Have you ever thought of intercourse as calisthenics?  

These men don't but considering the alleged amount of coitus they're participating in...

Very few of these entertainment idols speak of regretting their impropriety / disinterest in monogamy.  And I believe it has a lot to do with how intricately linked their sense of / purposefulness in masculinity is to successfully seducing / bedding women (&/or men).

-------------------------

So, what fuels these serial seducers?  Are they addicts?  Are their libidos truly that demanding?

When I was in high school, television news magazines (not including the mainstays like "60 Minutes" & "20/20") were becoming more and more ubiquitous.  As such, their topics were, in turn, becoming more liberal-minded (eyebrow-raising) as they competed for viewership.  One such episode featured a group of (white) teenage jocks who were brash enough, as it pertained to their underhanded "fuckpoints system", to be filmed touting their primary role (masculine identity) as young, sexually astute bucks. 

Because it was a TV news magazine, besides the expected headshot interviews, there was footage of the studs doing what studs do best:  looking studly.  Hence, they were weightlifting in the gym / competing on sports teams, driving their trucks around town but mostly they were collectively identifying women that they wished to seduce / bed (all the while updating their stats regarding their supposed lays).  

The "fuckpoints systems" they weren't at all shy about disclosing to the broadcast journalist who was responsible for the piece.  And when they were questioned as to their chauvinistic outlook, they brashly declared that "women longed to be fucked by a man".  And they said this with such conviction that the viewer came close to believing it.

-------------------------

So, is that true?  

I know MARRIED men who're well into their Medicare years who're steadily connecting with women (initially online) who're absolutely interested in dialoguing about their sexual desires.  All in anticipation of performing sexually - to one degree or another - for these old fuckers.  

Keep in mind though that many of these whores receive some form of payment for access to their wet vaginas.  And though it may not feel transactional initially, it almost always ends up as such.

Ultimately though, the Medicare (sugardaddy) man gets one more score.  Just as if he's still playing the "fuckpoints game" from his younger limelit days past.

-------------------------

All this that I'm describing is simply modus operandi.  And I would argue, it's the most deeply ingrained and therefore destructive motivator towards compulsive sexual sin.  For it bridges the man's brain to his genitalia and that bridge is distinctly tied to his "masculine purpose".  

And let's not forget that masculinity is THE most influential force on planet Earth (other than perhaps gravity).

This MO isn't one that's discussed within the Samson Society.  Why?  It's too taboo, seemingly stereotypical, etc.  Plus, our Heavenly Father / God's son is presented in the masculine.  Who cares to even imply that certain (hypersexual) degrees of masculinity equate directly to - to some degree or another - God's very creation in man himself?

Therefore...

You will hear the word "sex addict" an awful lot along with "triggers" within this community.  "Trauma" is mentioned often as well.  These words tamp down chronic (ingrained / hardwired) illicit behavior(s) into something figurative / digital that can be easily quantified / isolated.  

"Masculine purpose" is just too unclinical.  Too saturated within the entirety of the idea of the man himself.  His core ideals, his physical presence, his understanding / comprehension of women. His core drive(rs).  Yikes.

Hence, it's too much of an individualistic minefield to even consider approaching.

Therefore, what can be done?

-------------------------

Years ago, a white bread Mormon Samson guy approached me (w/ tenacity) regarding his desire for me to serve him as his Silas.  This man was in his early 30s, reared in both Utah and California, whereas the latter was where he and his young family (Latino wife & preschool daughter) resided presently.  I believe he specifically chose me due to my specific same-sex attraction story and how antithetical it was to his own MO (but this is just speculation on my part).

His draw to porn was directly tied to his "masculine purpose", but that purpose was masked underneath a rigorously established religious identity.  This "masculine purpose" was (birthed during his teen years) rooted in (of all things for a clean-cut Mormon) his adoration for gangsta rap & culture.  And from there, rich, combustible fuel was found (masculine identity) in the specific form of Latino / black women who acquiesce to the gangsta rap aesthetic / lifestyle (he mostly found these in music videos / online porn). 

This / these women are what this man longed to consume in light of his "masculine purpose".  And I believe he did so in order to repetitively confirm / affirm that purpose.  

It was wildly bizarre attempting to walk with this devout, church-going Mormon.  Eventually, upon the apparentness of us continually going in circles regarding his recovery, I had to decouple.  For I knew I was in way over my head.

For whom was I to stand in the way of the very engine that fueled his sense of masculinity?

-------------------------

My heart hurts for these men.  

If you're interested in learning more, simply read Saint Augustine's autobio.  And from there, be encouraged.  God rescues all manner of men from compulsive sexual sin.  But especially so, men like these.  Ultimately, a supernatural reordering of priorities is required.  A reordering that leaves intact a man's masculine purpose whilst allowing him to fuel up that purpose outside of the hedonistic physical / sexual norms that our culture so celebrates.

Captivated By Masculinity (+ Baritone Voices)

Tuesday, (11/26) my youngest daughter and I screened "Gladiator II" at our local cinema.  Interestingly enough, "Gladiator I" was released in 2000 when I was 28 years old.  Back then, I was absolutely captivated by masculinity.  To the point that seeing a film that so celebrated it (as "Gladiator I" did) would have only sent me deeper into private despairing.  For masculinity (as I perceived it) had enough gravitational pull to consistently hijack my thoughts, causing me to ruminate / obsess in such a way that could easily be described as cerebral / emotional bondage.  As such, particular as a newlywed, I felt the only means of escape was to avoid entertainment firstly that celebrated it (as "Gladiator I" so successfully / ostentatiously did).

To summarize, the BIG, seemingly unsolvable problem I faced in 2000 was LACK OF TRUST in the masculine, and all of that pointed primarily back to my laughably insecure, longstanding kinship with my father.

Now, hear me here.  I didn't type FEAR.  No.  There was no FEAR of the masculine as if it was going to harm / ridicule me.  Instead, it was a distinct LACK OF TRUST.  Obviously, there's a monumental difference between LACK OF TRUST and FEAR.  The former leaves you ISOLATED (left to fend for oneself singularly) as a man whereas the latter incites a myriad of reactionary negative emotions (dread, torment, fatalism) that are directly tied to the "what if?".  

-------------------------

Now, let's focus on ISOLATION as a result of my LACK OF TRUST and how these two things perpetuated my same-sex attraction. 

Firstly though, I have never felt as if I should be female.  Being male was who I felt securely established to be and, as a result, 100% at peace with.  It was my perception of masculinity (based on my life's narrative) that I failed to comfortably embrace / lean into.  Considering that statement, let me reiterate that I also didn't feel feminine, nor did I wish to be feminine, though I did have a healthy trust in the feminine. Therefore, I absolutely was settled into my understanding of the masculine, yet my hurdle therein was managing the LACK OF TRUST in the concept itself as well as the relinquishing of / backing away from the perceived SAFETY I'd achieved via my longstanding (coping mechanism) ISOLATION.   

-------------------------

The second Samson weekend intensive I attended was during the spring of 2016.  Our group of +/-20 Jackson Metro Samson guys traveled to beautiful Highlands, NC, staying in a multi-million-dollar vacation property (nestled inside an exclusive golf course development) owned by one of my fellow perverts' parents.

During our off ramping from a full day of whitewater rafting, every last one of us made a beeline to the men's changing room / bathroom.  For it had been a chilly day to be on the river, therefore wetsuits were required.  Once I made my way inside, our fearless leader (meeting facilitator) announced the presence of a same-sex attracted man (Rob) within their hetero-majority.  I remember everyone silently agreeing with me that what had been decreed was very unnecessary / over the top, and as such, it made me realize just how protected (& loved) I truly was within that Motley Crue (it's important to note that our facilitator was known for insensitive remarks). 

To take that a step further, this was the first time I'd experienced being silently buttressed and therefore affirmed via other men.  Straight men.  Masculine men.  All of which were crammed, as I was, within a too small changing / shower room after a fun-filled day in beautiful Appalachia (think Mirror Universe Deliverance).     

-------------------------

During that same intensive weekend, I had the good fortune of rooming with Silas 1.0.  The space we bunked within was a sizable "bonus room" (situated above the carport) within this multi-story vacation home.  As such, since it was stationed somewhat by itself, there was a sense of privacy / secrecy that few, if any, of our Samson bunkmates experienced.  Specifically, Silas 1.0 slept on a sleeper sofa while I slept on an air mattress.  Though we only spent time alone together within that space to mostly sleep, it still delivered a deep sense of exclusivity within me.  For Silas 1.0 knew my issues with same-sex attraction.  He also knew (& had heard ad nauseum) of my termination from DSU three years prior (& therefore was privy to my pain).  At the time, the level of interest this man exhibited in spending time with me was almost too much for me to believe.  And though this intense platonic attraction naturally waned over time, this sweet season served me well in regard to me choosing to make a conscious effort to TRUST the masculine as I'd never done prior.  

This Samson friendship was one of the firsts that truly gave me credence to begin to TRUST the masculine.

-------------------------

As an aside, masculinity for me is most effectively presented by men who are also blessed with a baritone speaking voice.  "Gladiator I" served to rocket Mr. Russell Crowe to instant stardom.  In many ways, as the heir apparent of the then well-established Aussie crown (from the original baritone, Mr. Mel Gibson).  

Crowe's voice is deeply masculine, sounding absolutely delicious whilst recorded.  

"Gladiator II"'s protagonist is played by Irish actor, Mr. Paul Mescal.  Arguably, his voice is as deep as Mr. Mel Gibson's has ever been, making it equally delicious to listen to.  

Why is this important to identify?

Baritone voices are intimidating.  They're more animalistic.  Threatening.  And this is mostly due to how they carry combined with how powerfully distinct they are.  

I have an uncle whose voice is beautifully baritone.  As a relative, he's unpredictable and threatening (he's a drug addict, thief and compulsive liar).  Yet, even today at the age of almost 75, his presence / the thought of his presence is just as intimidating as ever. Of all the men I've personally known throughout my life, he represents a masculinity that's the absolute most threatening.   

-------------------------

As our "early arrival '24 Samson Summit entourage" was finishing up our "meet & eat" late lunch at some nondescript Fayetteville, NC BBQ joint a few weeks back, I was singled out by one of the most resolutely masculine men I know in Samson Society.  As such, he asked me specifically to ride with him (within his newly purchased X3) out to Camp Dixie.  We chatted throughout our 20-minute journey as the cloudy, rainy setting whizzed by.  He'd been en route from middle TN for well over six hours (earlier that day), having endured no less precipitation throughout.  Hence, the gloriously anticipated drive had left him with a lot to be desired.  

Therefore, again, he asked me to join him for the last, very short leg of his trip.  Me?!?

This man is a few years older than I am, and as such, is 100% at peace with himself.  I know segments of his story, but like myself, he's reached a point where it's the present and future that he's most interested in focusing on. 

Initially, when I first met this man (2017), I feared him.  Not anymore.  Especially after his personal invitation to transport me to Camp Dixie.  What a blessing that was.  It served as the cake beneath the icing. 

I came away feeling absolutely his equal.  And that, my friend, I never, ever saw coming.