The Internet - URLs, apps for pocket computers - gives us exceptionally easy opportunity to splinter into tribes. And these tribes can be built around all manner of mutually agreed upon tropes, but in the end, their purpose is to provide men with relational respect and women with relational security. Those are the baseline needs being carried out therein.
When apps for smartphones, in particular, came on the scene, the most popular ones skyrocketed to the top relative to "tribalism indoctrination" efficiency. Hence, hookup apps made the top ten list almost overnight.
All in all, the keyword here is efficiency. This is why / how software programmers made oodles of $$$ so quickly (selling subscriptions / ads to support their hookup apps' services).
Garnering a friendship takes a boatload of time / effort, and there's absolutely zero guarantee relative to a return on your time / effort (emotional investment). Hence, most adults are wary to even make the effort. But, hookup apps changed all of that (for many, many consumers).
And here's how I came to understand that whilst also managing to come to terms with just how baseline depraved, we truly are as a people.
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Mr. Nate Larkin is the founder / spokesperson for the Samson Society. As such, he's often on the road, taking his testimony / outlook regarding our community to those who've never heard. As far as I know, he mostly speaks to churches, asking them for an audience over a period of two consecutive days. Oftentimes, that second day is where he'll organize some "trial run" Samson meetings in the church basement with said parishioners.
I received an email from Nate many years ago about a man who'd approached him after his stock church speech. Nate has known of my sexuality for some time, and he wanted to know if he might triangulate me with this man due to what he revealed to him there at the front of the alter. I had no problem with that. Hence, I waited for my new friend's communique, but received not a peep. Finally, I pinged Nate regarding the silence, and from there, Nate's follow-up served to open the spigot.
Whilst looking back, I can tell you that this man was angry. Angrier than any man I've ever had the privilege to know. Much of that anger was laser focused towards the opposition (political). He constantly devoured political rhetoric, allowing it to stoke the flames of his rage. As such, this anger was what fueled his life.
This man was very intelligent and extremely motivated. He was a successful business owner and bodybuilder. Plus, he owned / singlehandedly managed real estate in multiple states. Physically, he had such the stature compared to his diminutive wife. That coupled with his million-watt smile did wonders to attract suitor after suitor on - of all things - Grindr.
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His response to me as to why he'd hooked up with close to (100) men anonymously (over a period of +/-10 years) came down to his desire to foster friendships. Plain & simple. Friendships that were reliable as this man traveled (for work) to repeat destinations. In his words, he was seeking friendship that was built on shared interests, and for him, those consisted of drinking, watching sports and - on occasion - having gay sex.
No doubt, all of these suitors (& potential friends) were drawn to my new friend's Grindr profile due to his impressive physique / handsome mug. Again, plain & simple. It was the "bait" - so to speak - that he hoped would serve to initiate a longstanding, reliable friendship(s).
But it didn't work. And though he knew the sex was sin, he couldn't understand why his long-game approach didn't reap the results he'd longed for.
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If you're anything like me, all of this seems preposterous. But this is our reality ever since these malevolent apps came on the scene. And this is happening every day. Sex has become so cheap that we truly have become like dogs in heat (glued to our pocket computers like a dog licks his butthole).
One last note regarding my friend. As you can imagine, throughout this promiscuous season, he constantly lived in fear of becoming HIV positive, therefore he was vigilant about being tested for the virus. At the same time, he was no doubt putting his naive wife at risk too each time they had intercourse. But he had no issue with that. Them "friendships" took precedent.
In the end, he essentially saw this period of his life as a relational side hustle that he deeply regretted involving himself in. As stated, it grew out of his need for connection, but it was the perceived efficiency that promised him an understandable, by-the-book plan for success. An efficiency which was hinged on his ability to exploit newfound tech to his advantage which resulted in him forlornly "cutting the crap" in an attempt to expedite connections he could rely on.
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Generosity is the key to winning friends. Plus, since generosity is ultimately Christ-serving, even if you're unsuccessful in the platonic realm, your obedience (to Christ) stands.
Here's a favorite definition of generosity: largeness or fullness; amplitude
I love that word amplitude. It implies casting a wide net. Spreading generosity liberally on ALL FREQUENCIES.
I love seeing wonderful films in theaters with exceptionally capable sound systems. I've even had the good fortune of seeing one film in a Dolby Atmos theater. There's something amazing about hearing everything on all frequencies (8 to 64 channels!), all around you, as you're watching the lovely big screen.
Last night, we had a young couple and their baby (who're three members of Lakeside Pres) over for dinner. It was a lovely time, but especially so from the standpoint of how intentionally the young man took an interest in our (my) garden. He and I spent a better part of twenty minutes out there, throughout the evening, dialoguing about its origin, various species of native plants, etc. With he and I both coming from Mississippi country "stock", there was an immediate shared appreciation for our pedigreed green thumbs, and what joy they have / could bring to us and our clan.
Early this morning (insomnia), I looked back into iMessage on my pocket computer and was surprised to find that it was almost exactly three years ago that this young man and I had our one-and-only lunch together.
A day or so prior to that 2019 rendezvous, I'd emailed him my testimony (warts & all). As a result, the lunch itself was awkward. I could tell that he'd not at all appreciated by candor relative to my story. And this was because he had mistakenly assumed I was fit to become a potential "mentor" (his words) of his (they had recently joined Lakeside Pres). Instead, he was now faced with a pervert queer guy who'd felt the need to tangentially overshare to the nth degree. And this disappointed him tremendously. For what benefit was a pervert queer guy who's into oversharing to this young fellow?
It was this young man's wife who'd introduced herself to Angie (+/-3-5) months ago at church (some sort of women's function). Soon thereafter, Angie asked me about this young lady's husband, vaguely remembering my rendezvous from 2019. I updated her sincerely, and not surprisingly, she walked away with a familiar grin.
Eventually, the aforementioned dinner party from last night was calendared and rescheduled. And now, here we are. The. Day. After.
Interestingly enough, the young man has even text messaged me today, thanking me for sharing some zinnia seeds (which he planted upon their return home yesterday evening).
I can tell you with no hesitancy that the three years since he and I first came together has given him time to come to terms with my transparency. And that relational incubation period - if you will - was no doubt put to good use by God's spirit. For the young man I shared the evening with last night was far more mature than the one I engaged with three years prior.
And that makes my willingness to be generous with myself worth it all the more. For this dude now understands fully how both important it is to me and how it actually can be that we co-exist on the same platonic plane as broken, imperfect men.
And thankfully, there's no blow jobs or buttfucking called for.
Be generous. Expect nothing in return. Be patient and mindful of your Christian witness. Have faith that God will return to you - exponentially - what you've been willing to give indiscriminately and altruistically. From there, sit back and remain hopeful.
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