My 12-Year Mentoring By A Thousand Masculine Touches (The Roadside Assistant Of Samson Society)

When I first stepped foot into an in-person Samson Society meeting in Jackson, MS back in 2014, I did so out of desperation.  I was in tremendous emotional pain, having become overwrought with shame associated with the previous year's job loss / career change / rejection and scorn from my superiors at Delta State.  It was so extreme that Satan definitely had achieved the upper hand (there was a season where I kept hearing those words:  "Why don't you just kill yourself?").

Never had I experienced such emotional trauma / devastation.  And on the surface, I knew it was simply a job loss at a wholly insignificant institution located smack dab in the center of the most impoverished region of the United States.  Lots of folks lose jobs.  Besides, I was young and why couldn't I simply chalk this up to a "learning experience" and move forward?

Because...  

I was in my early 40s at the time, and ripe for (finally) finding affirmation and respect, both of which I felt as if (at long last) I deserved.  Plus, I'd up & moved my family to the MS Delta to take this position somewhat out of pity for the institution / VP of Finance (who I had a solid professional relationship with via my previous job with the state of MS).  

And this crux had nothing to do with being a husband or a father.  Instead, it had everything to do with being identified and respected as Rob, the architect, leader, listener, friend and shall I say MAN.

All men desire to be seen.  They desire to have other men (& women) speak conclusively into their lives in such a way that brings clarity as to their place in the world.  Though I'd pretty much concluded that this wouldn't be happening to me, when the new President was appointed (& one year later) alongside the VP of Finance (my direct report), all the stars seemingly had aligned.  These men were fully capable / equipped to gift me with what I'd been longing for all of my life.

But when I inadvertently offered them a glimpse as to who I was on the inside (& subsequently what I was struggling with), I instantly became a liability, in their sight, to the institution itself.

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Colleges have clients, and those clients are children / young adults.  Therefore, colleges work exceedingly hard to present themselves as safe in regard to their clientele.  Hence, professors, administrators who even hint at sexual deviance much less provide a window for the institution to fully see inside said deviance, aren't going to survive.

Me using the college's software / hardware to post online (publicly) about my deep seated shame as it pertained to my homosexual desires combined with my dabbling into gay porn itself singled me out like none other.

And keep in mind that I pulled no punches within my (online) writings as to just how despicable I felt trying and failing, trying and failing to manage my situation alone.

For I sat at the top of the masculine food chain as the Director of Planning and Administration at Facilities Management.  There were more men reporting to me than I could shake a stick at, many of which I was intensely sexually attracted to.  Not to mention men outside of that department + contractors, etc.  I felt like The Weather Girls.

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Had I not 

1) made a concerted effort to bolster my situation (early on in that year) by sitting down with our church's Assistant Pastor and sharing my story combined with 

2) a letter I hand delivered to our Senior Pastor (immediately prior to us lunching) six months later

I truly would have begun to believe the accusations Satan so expertly screamed in my face.

What were those exactly?

I can sum it up in what my (new) boss said directly to my face (w/ the institution's HR Director by his side) as we met in his office there in September 2013.

"We don't want people like you here."

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Now, let's return to that first (standard format) Samson meeting in August 2014.  

We met for an hour in Mr. Don Waller's office (all nine of us men) prior to heading to Trustmark Park to watch a baseball game / eat dinner.  And throughout that game, I engaged with a number of my Samson brothers, mostly out of curiosity (as to their stories / the community itself) whilst relaxing there at the ball field.

And then a new guy showed up just a few weeks later on a subsequent Wednesday night at 6 PM.  And he was gorgeous.  And when I say gorgeous, I mean, stunningly gorgeous.  And this man was truly defeated, having not only heard that same phrase being bestowed onto him (of all people!) but really, really deserving it.  

And interestingly enough, it was his physical beauty / sensuality that played the primary role in him torpedoing everything (relationally / professionally) that he held dear.  

And, lo & behold, I took the initiative to reach out to this stud, and before long, I was serving him as his Silas.  Why?

Because it seemed like the right thing to do, & he was just so damn good looking.

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What I took from that relationship, deep down, was the truth that ultimately, I had dodged a situational bullet.  Considering that truth, it was impossible to truly come to grips with until I finally made peace with the fact that the masculine affirming / mentoring I had so desired simply wasn't ever to be.

Therefore, where might that come from and how?

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If you spend years and years seeking out folks whose vehicles are broke down (& seemingly irreparable) along the highway ROWs, and you stop EVERY TIME to support them in their crisis, you begin to learn a thing or two about people and automobile repair not to mention yourself and your own vehicle.  Specifically, you can't help but take note of what you're driving day in and day out and how it too is (or is not) being maintained.  

This pursuit of helpfulness takes you far and wide emotionally / spiritually as you learn / hear about people's stories as you're stationed there within their crisis (with traffic zooming past).  

And the beauty in all of this is you will eventually be left behind by these folks, and for me, this represents the perfect opportunity (& motivation) to seek out fresh blood (new story / fresh persona), so to speak.  Which means, there's no long-term commitment to any of these completely freestyle junctures.  

The overarching fact of the matter is...

When men are in emotional dire straits, they'll drop their guard for just about any weirdo.  And, there's no doubt in my mind, that I'm just about as weird as they come.

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In closing, a lot of these men fall in love with Rob, or at least a version of Rob that they choose to fall in love with.  

And this is simply due to the fact that an awful lot of them have experienced a similar masculine affirmation vacuum as I have.  This combined with simply feeling safe to express their feelings alongside a more effeminate man can amp up the use of that word.  And that's fine by me.

Some have even cried when I announced that it was time for me to move on.

Ultimately, Samson Society is my GPS that guides me to these dumpster fires.  And I just make myself comfortable whilst trying to steer clear of the smoke.  

There's a lot to be said for finding clarity about oneself through the actions / very purpose of an organization like Samson Society.  And yes, it does help to be naturally curious combined with furiously determined to love oneself outright (despite the scars), though absolutely not for qualities of character. Instead, actions / movement / sacrifice towards those whose situations demand it must take precedent.

For me, at least, this approach has resulted in precious time, through the years, being very well spent.

Want To Improve Uptake Within The Virtual Samson Community? Provide An Incubator / Immersive Experience Vs Dedicated Newcomer Meetings

I've been hosting a Samson Society Saturday newcomers meeting for almost two years now.  It's been demanding but in a very good way.  I took this particular spot from the man himself, Mr. Nate Larkin.  The highlight of hosting this meeting is it kickstarts my weekend with fresh, masculine personas.  And I love this!  Not knowing who's going to show up, it feels whimsical and a bit surreal, in manner ways.  The stories, via the 2-10 newbies that show, shared are rich and deeply impactful.  It's just overall, a grand experience.

But what's disappointing, after the fact, is the true uptake (long-term engagement) of these newbies towards Samson Society itself.  

How do I know this?  I call to check in on my newbies one week following the meeting they attend.  The vast majority either don't respond to my follow-up or admit freely to not having taken the initiative to attend even one online meeting.

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What exactly happens within a newcomers meeting?

Every meeting (there're standalone newcomers meeting available most days of the week) is hosted by its own, uniquely qualified, Samson brother.  As such, their persona / agenda flows forth.  And that's to be expected.  

My hero, Nate, provided a one-time walkthrough for Rob prior to me taking the reins of the Saturday meeting years ago.  I've certainly worked to optimize my approach to leading, and frankly, I believe I do a damn good job providing an overview of the Samson Society whilst drawing out / establishing the proper tone that points towards the community as a whole.

But even my best attempts to clinically (sprinkled with some therapy) describe Samson Society falls flat compared to a true therapeutic Samson meeting immersion.  For as we call know, that's where the true magic happens.

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Within the in-person paradigm (Samson Society meeting), there's no newcomers' meeting "screening process".  Instead, newbies simply (after typically being referred in) walk into a meeting and follow along.  It's not rocket science, and it doesn't make room for skittishness / the timid - to any degree.  

Think of it like stepping into a church service for the first time or perhaps a gym.  As an adult with zero experience.  From there, it's either sink or swim.  As such, it's the motivator (most often shame) that's in control.

And I like that approach, but why not instead establish some similar incubator / immersion Samson meetings that are specifically designed for these men?  In other words, put newcomers together with some seasoned Samson brothers, thereby allowing them to learn / experience Samson Society sans the training wheels of a newcomers meeting.

As such, this would be an exact facsimile of the in-person experience (which works beautifully)! 

Weirdo Commitment

The most disappointing Samson "National Retreat" for Rob was one of the first, if not the first, I ever attended.  The year was likely 2017, and it was during the autumn month of November.  The setting was a state park in middle Tennessee (not too far outside of Nashville).  Originally, this "National Retreat" was touted as a "Samson leadership retreat" with the focus being Samson brothers interested in / currently hosting meetings.  

The reason for this was the primary focus of this particular national Samson event was to introduce the notion of launching virtual Samson meetings via Zoom or whatever platform was available back in the day (2018).  

The disappointment came from who I ended up having to room with (we were housed in a motel wing that was attached to the State Park Lodge building).  At the very last minute, a certain in-person Samson brother agreed to attend (at the behest of my Silas), and off the four of us went.  Upon our arrival, I swallowed my anger and compliantly chose to room with this loser.

It's actually quite commendable that I ever returned after this frustrating National Samson Retreat.  Especially considering that everyone else within the local Samson community hung up their hats - mostly for good - pertaining to this annual event.  Which, of course, left me on my own to attend throughout the years going forward.  

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Over the past two years, I've taken control of my roommate situation (I gave up on the bunkhouses in '23), but last year resulted in me quickly realizing that year two would be it for me and a similarly unique (weirdo) Samson brother (from the Deep South) sharing sleeping quarters.

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4-5 years ago, a dear friend (he being more close to me than I to him) from GA drove over to Eva, TN, having agreed to attend that year's National Retreat.  He chose to stay offsite in some sort of state park cabin.  I came to find out later that he spent the majority of his time at the cabin texting / talking to his wife in light of him being far more comfortable with her than (strange, foreign) Samson guys (or really any guys, for that matter).  What a disappointment it was to find that out.

Nonetheless, we remained friends until earlier this year.

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When I was a high school student, I was active in our church's youth ministry.  And I was so because I immediately understood its finite specialness (very, very few adolescents had access to what I was privileged to be a part of).  Therefore, every summer, attending the youth summer trip was nonnegotiable for Rob.  Specifically, I did this because I knew there were only so many opportunities therein.  Because I was such the anomaly within that group (persona, school, demographic), I often ended up assigned to summer trip room with the other freaks.  And I grew to love it.  They were so much fun to bunk with!  Plus, there's simply always been a place in my heart for the inevitable weirdos.

My wife was one of those.  That's one of the many reasons I was attracted to her as both a friend and a lover.  She was just so weird (& thankfully still is).

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At last year's Summit, in light of my then desire to find "a new roommate direction" going forward, I took it upon myself to plan WELL IN ADVANCE of '26 by hastily asking a new friend (who I met during the first day at the NM Summit) about rooming together in '26.  What was hysterical regarding this desperate attempt was my new friend was an exceedingly obvious cool kid (great looking, upper class demographic, straight, etc.) who was not at all comfortable committing as such so far in advance (much less with Rob)!

Thankfully, earlier this year, my (weirdo!) Silas agreed to take this big man on campus' position.  This will amount to such the blessing.  

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I'm excited too about visiting Michigan.  I love and have almost always loved automobiles.  Visiting Motor City will no doubt be a treat in that regard.  Too, traveling through Ann Arbor (home of Car & Driver) will be special and symbolic.  

Attending the Samson Summit this year will represent a true leveling up for Rob.  Partly because Samson is at a juncture that's destined to position itself well for another decade (at least), and having embraced the virtual community to the degree that I have (since December '21), I feel 100% "part of the team" versus the gay guy from Mississippi who's only involved due to his internal dedication / commitment.

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A month or so ago, I had a Samson brother decouple from me as his Silas.  And though that's not unusual / inevitable, due to our VERY short tenure as Silas / Silee, I have to admit that it was jarring.  And especially so from the standpoint that I'd been experiencing (immediately prior to his decoupling) an annual (vocational) stress / shame conundrum (2+2=5).  

This brother was no doubt hiding something to have aborted, but it still felt like a "this is all my fault" gut punch.  Silas / Silee relations need to gestate properly in order for the true benefits / measured latitudes to be reaped.  Nonetheless, between the two of us, that simply wasn't to be. 

Last night, out of the blue, I was asked to be the Silas of a man I haven't spoke with since late summer.  He happened to be part of one of my newcomers meeting "classrooms" earlier this year, and though we'd only had one follow up meeting (at my request due to his unique roots), there was zero commitment going forward.  And this young man is absolutely out of my league, yet due to my sincerity / care, that seems to be of no consequence.  As such, I'm hopeful going forward for connecting with a man who's that much potential truly is breathtaking to think through.

I'm very blessed to be a part of this parachurch ministry.  It's very exhausting but never not worth it.  For me, it truly feels / demands similarly as family does.  

Stand Up For Yourself, Not Your Desires Whilst Recalling The Desire of Your GodMan, Jesus Christ

The summer prior to my sixth-grade year, I was ushered into my inaugural First Baptist Church Jackson "youth group" summer camp experience.  The year was 1985 (I was just turning 13 years-old) and the location was Mt. Lebanon, Texas.  Overall, it was an absolute blast!  Our youth pastor, Rick Ball, was well loved by every student (all ages), therefore the robust attendance therein served as a reflection of his popularity.  Of note is the fact that this particular (weeklong + weekend) summer youth camp experience represented / served Protestant churches from all across the country in light of Mr. Dawson McCallister being our loudmouthed ("STILLBORN!!!") evangelist / camp pastor.  

I vividly recall responding wholeheartedly to an altar call during this summer camp.  My dear friend, Riley Brown, kindly accompanied me down front where Rick was stationed.  From there, we made our way up onto an adjacent berm to chat / pray.  Though I'd been baptized prior, this was my first genuine, comprehensible (of the gospel as it pertained specifically to Rob) profession of faith.

So why was that?  What was it about this setting / timing that was so unique?

Because I knew my depravity to a much greater degree than I did prior (I was baptized as a 4th / 5th grader).

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During that same summer camp, earlier in the week, I was tangibly faced - head on - with my same-sex attraction.  In light of all the (young) men (7th-12th) bunking together within one open air bunkhouse / barrack, my only child self experienced some impossible to ignore eye candy (strut-worthy, older, athletically-built teen boys).  Hence, I felt ashamed and alone for these feelings seamlessly synchronized with budding sexual fantasies I'd been harboring deep within.  Fantasies with men that fit specific masculine archetypes / builds (older, more mature physically, athletically built).  All of which had been blown tremendously out of proportion within my boyhood head as protectors / guardians / fans (of a deeply insecure child Rob). 

Why did I do this?  What made me susceptible therein?   

Two things:

1.  The terrifying physical changes coming / underway tied to adolescence.  Changes which I desperately wanted to reverse / stave off.

2.  Not having family (father, brother, mother) I could emotionally trust / lean into.  Specifically, both of my parents were still attempting to muddle through the marital rubble resulting from their relatively recent (when I was 10) relational falling out.

3.  Having a supercharged imagination that had been primed via all manner of '80s entertainment + action figures.  In essence, boyRob co-existed within the real world and his own highly captivating fantasy world (whether or not it was sexually explicit).

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The other big component of my newfound faith in Jesus Christ as a boy, for such a time as that, was aimed squarely at Jesus as my lead.  Becoming a disciple, following his teachings, all of this appealed mightily to boyRob.  All the while choosing to deny myself (which, in theory, felt not at all hard to do).  For I had seen firsthand how deceptively mislead / distorted my heart truly was.

From there, I began praying and listening much more intently to older Christians.  But, my homosexual fantasy life, I chose to never divulge nor attempt to flaunt / personify / celebrate as a teenager.  Keep in mind that it was a different time / place back in 1985.  Especially in Mississippi.  

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But, due to the scale of our youth group, statistically, it was obvious to me that I wasn't the only boy struggling with homosexual desires.  And, as is often the case, that one other boy, from early on, would orbit Rob annoyingly (particularly during out-of-town / overnight treks - camps, retreats, etc.).  

We'll call him Overachiever Jim.  And Overachiever Jim was about as gay-acting as they come.

Until he wasn't...

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The reason I'm bringing this guy up is how upfront he was regarding his personality / preferences.  And again, this being 1985, there was no (especially within a church setting) normalized homosexual references to speak of.  Jim was simply Jim.  Original and annoying.  Desperate for attention in tandem with being decidedly mediocre (physical looks, talents) overall with the only exception being his work ethic (Jim was a star student, constantly vying for top of his class).  

But, if there was one thing Jim was not, it was uncomfortable in his skin.

I can remember spending the night with Jim on one occasion.  The following Saturday, when my mother came to retrieve me, before we had even left their driveway (Jim was an only child as well, living with his divorced mother), she forbade me from returning.  All because I'd "picked up his girlish accent / dialect" via that short-lived exposure to my new friend.

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Jim went (far away) to an out of state college, and it was there where he left his uniquely effeminate persona (along with the baby fat bod) behind.  Today, he's an accomplished author, collegiate leader, father, husband.

I encouraged him once to compile / author a book (he's a trained sociologist) featuring stories of men like us.  He politely declined.  

I have to believe he was deeply offended by including him therein.  For if you were to encounter him today, there's no trace of his flamboyantly adolescent self left.

I'm willing to bet a dollar that he's personally destroyed every photo, memento that even hints at that loathed history of his true self.

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Samson Society keeps me focused on this part of myself that frankly I spent the majority of my life emotionally disabled by.  Hence, I'm the antithesis of Overachiever Jim as I do no work towards hiding / disassembling / reconstituting myself.  And that's been especially true over the last week as this middle-aged version of Rob has had his ass kicked via workload on top of personal obligations on top of my wife's vocational woes (which have angered / confused / frustrated her husband).  

Week after week, I host two meetings (they begin & end my weekends).  I also talk to my Silas (& vice versa) regularly throughout the week.  You might argue that Samson Society is my albatross.

Perhaps.  But so long as I'm drawn towards Christ, why not attempt, truly attempt to see what he sees?

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I believe being a little Christ requires faith in a GodMan that desires a relationship with you as a flawed, sinful human being, and that the depth of that relationship is tied directly to how deeply you know yourself.  For GodMan knows you 100% since he created you from scratch.  

The only real surefire way to know myself - better & better - has been via intentional / organizable recovery work.

It's often imperfect, sometimes repetitive, but it's the most effective means I know of.  

Lagniappe

Those Collective Exhale Moments

When certain Samson brothers walk away from this community, no doubt, everyone can breathe a little easier.  And you know exactly who I'm referring to.  Those emotionally volatile guys.  The ones that make great soap opera characters but not so much real friends.

And thankfully, there aren't too many of these odd-men-out within this community, but they are there.  For now...

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Level-headedness (fueled by humility) is one of those guaranteed traits Christian men need to thrive, long-term, within communities like Samson Society.  

But many men aren't anywhere close to level-headed much less humble.  Instead, their (heated) emotions (particularly when they're tired / bored) take over.  When that occurs, most everyone takes notice, especially so when it's an inappropriate / childish response.  And that's when the distancing begins in earnest.  

Of course, distancing isn't an attribute found within a thriving Christian community of men.  

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I witnessed this firsthand during a sophomore Spring Samson retreat (in-person Samson community) at / around Highlands, NC many years ago.  One brother was always looking for an opportunity to "flare up" so long as said opportunity had one particular Samson brother's name attached to it.  Think of this dynamic within the same vein as a sibling rivalry.  And eventually, it got ugly between these two.  And from there, everyone's point of view changed.

My naivete cloistered this incident as isolated.  Boy was I ever wrong.  

Expressing Oneself Passionately - Man To Man

When I was a boy (I'm 53), it wasn't unusual for bachelors / divorcees to be roommates.  Perhaps they shared a house / apartment.  I vividly remember this within the 'hood I grew up within, and I used to think it was very cool.  How fun / pragmatic!  These were my cursory thoughts, never once looking back in suspicion.  What might one suspect?

My how things have changed.

I screened Masters of the Universe Tuesday, (6/16) with two of my girls.  The protagonist and his BFF (Earthly roommate) both sport very non-machismo personas.  And this point is driven home by their individual interests, personas, the way they dress.  All the while, there's no indication whatsoever that they're NOT sexually attracted to the opposite sex (we witness the protagonist on a dinner date).  It's just implied that they're two close male friends who're by no means "bros" in today's sense of the word / culture.

Too, these men share / have shared their stories with each other.  The film actually makes room for this onscreen.  And, of course, Adam's is quite bizarre (& he's quite passionate whilst relaying it to those he cares for).

One of my favorite aspects of the film is that the protagonist never loses his exceedingly non-machismo persona despite the transfiguration that eventually occurs once he's brought back to his home planet.  In other words, his physical form / appearance certainly intimidate / represent well his appointed / chosen role yet makes little to no difference as to who he is on the inside as a (He-)man. 

The film represents the most earnest guilty pleasure I've experienced in a long time, all the while working overtime to utilize source material (a cartoon / toy line from the '80s) with as much fanboy respect as possible.  Recommended screening.

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My Silas and I long to spend time together (shared physical space).  We've been walking with each other ever since the tail end of December of '25.  What's unique about him is how culturally passionate he is.  As a result, physical displays of affection are not an issue.  For me, I'm both culturally and intrinsically avoidant of this, particularly considering my sexuality.

All this leads me to the inevitable which is the Samson Summit in October (where he & I will finally meet).

It's going to be very interesting to see how things play out.

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As I've discussed numerous times before...

Years prior to stepping into Samson Society (I attended my first Samson Society meeting in August of 2014), I obtained my first "Silas", and therefore as a result, began experiencing relational accountability (there was a lot about each of us - personal hard wiring - that was similar in tandem with many, many differences).  Eventually, I took the initiative to ask him for permission to "demystify" the male physique with him serving as my crash test dummy.  Of course, none of these exercises involved either of our genitalia, but nevertheless, the average bro would have been extremely uncomfortable therein.

Throughout this process, it was inevitable that me choosing to ask him permission to go through these exercises (and him agreeing) telegraphed my emotional / sexual confidence for / towards him in a way that would not have been possible otherwise.  Why?  Men emote via the physical.  

And, of course, all of this taught me a great lesson in how important restraint truly can be in demonstrating love for others.  In other words, a little can go a long way (after asking permission and putting expectations in place). 

In the end, I came away having mentally deconstructed much of the adolescent idolism I'd attributed to the masculine male form which then began to crystalize my own (healthy) point of view of myself (as a reference point to everyone else - male & female).

These experiences also served to permanently close a door procedurally due to what I just described.  In the end, my personal growth as a man thankfully hasn't slowed from this singular foundational experience.

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My second architecture firm job (1996) immediately put me in a position, as an intern, to become a mentee of one of my (four) bosses.  And I embraced this due to the understood order / expectation of that particular profession.  Too, I was practically fresh out of school, looking to learn / engage as much as possible (about architecture / myself).  What I didn't realize at the time was how broken my boss truly was.  For it wasn't long before I'd stepped into my position as his intern that my boss' personal life had completely fallen apart resulting in him being in process rebuilding.  

As the years past, with me shadowing him all along the way, I grew more and more uncomfortable with the role I'd been handpicked for, and most of this discomfort centered around my boss' intrinsic priorities as a man (which didn't at all align with my own).  As such, despite these immature priorities / values being well hidden / justified to those he engaged with (as was to be expected), they proved his shallowness to young Rob / clearly exposed all the unmet needs (it's important to note that I was ten years his junior).

Year after year (ten years total), I would pull farther and farther away - on the inside.  And my heart would somewhat break as I observed his disappointment therein.  When I reached a breaking point, I was actually very close to leaving architecture behind entirely.  Whilst looking back, I'm in awe at the ultimate influence he had on how I saw / see that particular career / myself therein.

(At least once a month, I dream about working, once again, for him.  When I awake, I tend to exhale at the relief that "it was only a dream".)  

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In summary, here's my advice to you regarding the title of this post:  

1.  Be yourself, even if you're called to step into positions that seem better suited for other men.  A softer, more tenderhearted approach may very well appeal to you.  Don't be ashamed of that.  

2.  Be upfront with at least one man you believe you can be safe with.  This is all hinged on you having specific needs as I did.  If that's not the case, honest communication should still be a mainstay between you and those male friends where physical expression of love needs to / can occur to enrich all parties involved.  Communication is a key to success.  And yes, honest physical affirmation from male friends can most definitely supplement / replace what may or may not be occurring between you and the Mrs. in the bedroom.

3.  Have proof that you're capable of rejecting / decoupling friendship / friends well before moving in this direction.  As such, you're likely going to have to move past your "young man years" in order to obtain those credentials / street cred.  Discounting a relationship isn't something that comes easily, yet opportunity no doubt will abound thereafter once the necessary callouses form.  From there, you'll engage fearlessly - down the road - via the heartfelt platonic pursuit (cynics need not apply).

  

Please Touch Me (Now With Feeling)!

I've been volunteering this week as a "Group Leader / Guide" at our church's Summer '26 Vacation Bible School.  I've done this - at various churches - in years past, but only when VBS was a "traditional" AM event.

Firstly, let me just say that I'm so pleased to see so many young men volunteering compared to when this event was traditionally in the AM.  It's amazing to see ALL of the boys' groups being led by men (most of which are much younger than Rob).  This is absolute win-win for both the boys and young men.  

Because of my sabbatical (rebellion?) - so to speak - from volunteering over the past 3-4 years, I can't help but feel like a pariah, having returned a bit hesitantly (my youngest daughter is volunteering in kind).  As such, earlier this week in particular, I really, really, really longed to be affirmed via touch by some of these other men.  Perhaps a shoulder or neck squeeze?  Anyone?  Anyone?

Nope.  (& keep in mind all of them know me - primarily via my daughter.)

Instead, I got a few stupid fist bumps as well as simple, haphazardly placed smacks across the upper back (with backhands).

And the latter was from a man I've known (& haven't seen regularly in many, many years) for close to a decade.  A man who I've (recently) intentionally walked with through three of the most challenging pastoral years of his life.

*Sigh*

Why?

Like most men within our church, there's no greater fear than being labeled a queer.  Hence, they all drive full-size pickups, wear their ballcaps backwards & never, ever touch other men in a way that might qualify them as such.

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Therefore, I sit quietly and watch the clock whilst attempting to ignore the desire for masculine touch.  Strong, intentional, affirming touch.  I so needed it.  As such, whilst not receiving it, I only felt like that much more of a freak.  (Surely, it's not just me!?!)

The irony is the four boys I'm overseeing / leading (3rd / 5th graders) are just as overall physical as any / all elementary-age boys ever were.  They're constantly vying for space by pushing / shoving.  In fact, they became so physically unruly at one point last night that I had to usher them out of the "Science Lab" space prematurely (by about 10 minutes) and back into the vacant Sanctuary (Worship Center) to await the evening's VBS dismissal.  

Did this bother them in the least?  Nope.  For they only continued exhausting their frustrations via their furious hand grabbing / physical posturing right there in the pew.

And it shouldn't have bothered them.  For they needed that physicality to exert / exhaust their boredom / pent up emotional energy healthily (by this point in these boys' full days it was getting quite close to bedtime).

Had they been girls, the "punishment / consequences" (mini-quarantine) that I brought upon them would have manifested embarrassment / shame resulting in deathly quiet demeanors / silent tears driven by fear (WILL HE TELL OUR PARENTS?).  

Why?

Girls are taught early on to suck up their frustrations / boredom, and I would argue, most do not have nearly the wellspring of physical energy that boys do.

It's sad to think that very soon, these boys' playfulness will be culturally lassoed in kind.  Cultural norms / demands will stare their parents directly in the face.  And those demands will strike fear in their hearts by whispering:

"For goodness sakes, whatever you do, don't let him turn out queer."

And that's when everything will change.

Ain't No (Nor Has There Ever Been Any) Stigma Here!

You can't help but notice the Samson Society ghosts.  This is especially true during the Samson Summits (annual retreats).  It's always jarring to me.  Some of these MIA were absolutely on the forefront of promoting / carrying the recovery torch forward via their greater participation (especially considering their commitment to attend the Summits).  In essence, they were the kind of guys that would easily have been considered standouts, and as such, none of them seemed at all bothered by their inclusion into this community.

And then they weren't included.  At least within Samson Society (perhaps they went elsewhere).

It's sobering.  Especially for someone who's been involved since August 2014, observing this ministry grow / become / mature ever since.  Men are constantly moving in & out, in & out.

-------------------------

Here in MS, so few Samson men dare step out from their in-person meeting (as opposed to the virtual), therefore I'm of the opinion that this fluidic reality (simply due to nil exposure to the community-at-large) takes longer to take hold.  But give it enough time, and I believe it absolutely will.  And when it does, it begs the question-

Therefore, what exactly drives the temporariness then of (admitting to) belonging to this community?

Stigma, of course.

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One of Satan's greatest tools is stigma.  So, what is it?  

It's a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one's reputation.

I first witnessed this with my initial Silee, a disgraced music minister (he & I connected formally just a few months after I first stepped foot into Mr. Don Waller's in-person Samson meeting).  This young man was so very handsome, gifted as a crooner / having catered to the rich, white Christians within his small-town MS protestant church.  Until he was exposed / cast out in hopes of salvaging the reputation of his former employer.

Every meeting for this stud was marked with unavoidable stigma.  Every.  Meeting.  And that was understandable to a certain degree.

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So, what about Rob?  Where's his stigma?

I'm not exactly sure how to answer that question, but I believe it's been eradicated by two truths:

1.  I love / benefit tremendously via marinating within the authentic company of Christian (or otherwise) men.

2.  I love to serve men, especially distraught, needful men who desire a listening ear / open mind.

This means I'm a long-termer here within this community.  So, what does that look like exactly?

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I host a Samson Society newcomers meeting + a standard format Samson meeting every week.  These meetings buttress my weekends, and as such do me a great service in light of my weekends being particular opportunistic (to do stupid).  I also pay fairly close attention to the Samson Community Chat section of the "Samson Community" app that's available via the iOS & Android app stores.  

If you look at Samson Society resume, it's extensive.  Nonetheless, this doesn't make me languish or even feel, in the slightest, that I'm a loser / defective.  I truly see this community as my buried treasure that required me to then buy the field where the treasure resided.  

It's like the space I've always been looking for.

A close second therein is the gym.  Strength training sessions - week after week after week - also readily fill a massive need within my life.

Raw, authentic Christian masculinity is the flame.  I'm the moth.  

  

If You're Serving Another Samson Brother As A Silas, Are You Obligated To Follow Up?

Here's the situation:

If you're serving another man as his Silas and his sinful behavior(s) is continuing to incur tangible, long-term collateral damage to his spouse (her health, their finances), you must pressure him to come clean to her.

Why?

Because she's being hurt unknowingly by his ongoing stupidity.  To be more specific, she might end up with an STD (due to him inserting his wiener into illicit orifices) or bankrupt (due to him racking up debt in light of his secret passion for phone sex, virtual strip shows, hookers, etc.).

This is the primary differentiator between being a Silas and a counselor / therapist.  In fact, you can even go so far as literally looping his wife in (regarding her man's ongoing stupid), though I don't recommend it.  

-------------------------

Her reaction (towards him) to his coming clean may very well (& very quickly) dismantle your friendship with your Silee (triangulated blame), but at least you did the right thing by protecting either or both her physical / financial health.

Silence may very well then ensue between you and your Silee.  

And no, you're under no obligation to follow-up with him.  Instead, if you so choose, simply move on.

A Beautiful (Relatively Young) Man's Life Completely Derailed. (Shame Management)

Today I had the privilege of lunching with one of the most physically beautiful men I've yet (so far within these 53 years) to have the privilege to befriend.  And, I'm pleased to say as well that his persona came / comes across as quite likable in kind.

When I was in high school, I found myself transfixed by one particular fellow classmate (male).  He was no doubt the most athletic / athletically built young man within our +/-45-member troupe.  Whenever Tom would be within "visual range", I would have to - very intentionally - stop gazing in his general direction.  For everything about this young man simply looked distinctly ideal in regard to Rob's ultimate fantasy man.  

What was ironic regarding these consistently roulette wheel run-ins (our private high school was NOT large) was this very Adonis ended up seated directly across from me within my first college class.  

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Physical beauty can spell trouble for individuals who're prone to exploit the inevitable attention (feed their egos) for their own gain / pleasure.  My former classmate, Tom, may have experienced this (he & I, by no means, stayed in touch), but regarding my new friend from lunch today, there's absolutely no doubt.  And he very humbly admitted to this.

According to my new friend, playing college football brought opportunities to party alongside.  And with partying (at age 20) came boozing.  Boozing that tapped into a genetic predisposition (lengthy ancestral line) to become addicted.  And that addiction almost completely destroyed him and his future.  I knew just enough of this prior to our lunch to be intrigued (which served as a catalyst for organizing our juncture), but I had no idea of the severity therein.  Ultimately, in tandem with him hitting rock bottom, had it not been for the kindness of an aunt, he'd be dead.

Listen to me when I tell you this, dear reader.  If you saw this beautiful man on the street, you'd NEVER SUSPECT him having lived out this wreckage of a life.  Never.  And speaking of the word never...

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I've never had an experience like this.  Sitting there with this incredibly hot guy and hearing the highlights of his derailment tale absolutely shook me to the core.  And let me be blunt, this derailment altered - for the worse - the course of his life forever.  Opportunity(ies) torched.  A future life lived on Easy Street torpedoed.

It's been six years since my new friend has drunk alcohol.  Today, he's married with numerous stepchildren, meekly providing financial support via a below average pay managerial position at a local nonprofit.  

I wept for my - only half-smiled once during our lunch - new friend as I made my way back to my office.  And, man oh man, what a gorgeous smile he has.  

In closing, he shared with me how he and his fam were slated to head out tomorrow, (10/3) for a fall break vaca.  Their destination?  A very isolated, modest beachfront property owned by a hospitable family member.

I couldn't help but wonder if said location wasn't - at least to some degree - selected out of shame management. 

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This world of woe is so very difficult to reckon with, taking stories like his into consideration.  Please pray for me going forward as I rub shoulders with my new friend.  I feel so privileged to know him now as I didn't know him before despite the time it will take for me to process his story.  Here's the lesson:  Over the top physical / sexual attractiveness can no doubt be exploited by our Enemy.  Particularly in a world that celebrates / elevates these to the degree that we do.  Satan's end goal will always be to kill, steal & destroy using first & foremost the status quo against us coupled with our naivety regarding our own vulnerability. 

We are all sheep.  Some of us far more attractive sheep than the rest, but there's no changing the fact that we're still dumbass sheep.  Never forget how vulnerable therein you truly are.

Lagniappe

More Lagniappe

Digital Dicks

Circumcision In Decline Across US - Newsweek

I'm convinced the glamorization (Internet porn) of uncircumcised dicks has played a substantial role in parents choosing to forgo their infant sons going under the knife.  Because Internet porn's consumption is so pervasive, parents today have been exposed to thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of digital dicks of every size, shape, circumcised / uncircumcised. 

I can still recall the first time I saw a digitized photo of an uncircumcised dick (attached to a porn model) via the Internet.  It amounted to one of those, "So that's what that looks like", moments.

I believe in many ways uncircumcised dicks correlate with men who are "wilder, sexier, more sexually virulent".  Sort of like guys with tattoos inked up and down their muscled arms / torsos.  As such, parents who gravitate towards that aura may very well forgo the procedure as a means to christen their little outlaw's future sexual conquests.

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The apostle Paul spoke repeatedly about "circumcision of the heart" in lieu of the original Old Testament sign of the covenant between God and his people, and he did so in order for the Messianic Jews to give their uncircumcised Gentile brethren a break.  

I sure wish Chris Bruno had addressed more of these kinds of pragmatics tied to the penis within his speech (see Lagniappe below) versus staying so very conceptual with his allusions.  

If you think about how special the Israelites were as God's chosen people in tandem with God instructing Abraham (the father of the Israelites) on how to skillfully re-shape the head of the penis surgically to appear visually completely different, and you do this whilst examining the physiological benefits of circumcision, those two things themselves serve as quite compelling rationale.

But if you also consider how God's law indicted men who behaved as animals.  Particularly from the standpoint of sexual behavior.  And therein, how circumcision seemingly "humanizes" the dick (especially whilst flaccid) creating a sharp contrast to one that belongs to any other male mammal.

Why would you not circumcise?    

Lagniappe

Why Are There So Many Churches In Mississippi?

I had the privilege to attend a baptismal service this AM, and it was a delight to witness.  There were four new converts to Christianity that were baptized:  my female (professional) friend who's around 35 years of age, a preadolescent boy, a late 20s female and early 30s male.  Both of the women were relatively new moms, each married (their husbands were present, one of which was baptized).  All four were baptized out of doors in a "horse trough" adjacent to the modest churchhouse. 

And speaking of the churchhouse, it was a dump.  Picture a prefabricated metal building with an outdated (color) brick veneer front facade.  If I had to guess, it was erected / constructed sometime in the '70s or '80s perhaps as a small flooring showroom or somesuch.  The Jackson Metro area this church resides in is zoned industrial, but as is often the case in Mississippi, when a building sits vacant within these enclaves for any length of time, owners will do just about anything to sell (in order to avoid the continual burden of property taxes).  But, in order to make a sale palatable to church bodies, zoning laws must either be "updated" or exemptions granted.   

The parishioners present were 98% white, and there were around fifty overall in attendance.  And yes, you're correct to assume that the pastor was bi-vocational, and what a sweet, kindhearted white man this was!

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One of my daughters is slated to be baptized prior to the end of '25.  The church that she's a member of is part of a denomination that's well represented in Mississippi, and the church itself (member count) is likely 15-20 times larger than the church I attended this AM.

If you were to chronicle all of the churches in Mississippi today, 90% of them would fall in between these two extremes, and the remaining few would consist of a very small quantity of multi-site mega churches and the ever fluid collection of house churches.

Churches, churches, churches.  They're everywhere in Mississippi, but the vast majority, I believe, are best represented via the one I spent two hours in this AM.  Why?

Shame.

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Mississippi is a state overflowing with shame-filled folks.  Some of that shame is rooted in simply being Mississippians, but the vast majority of it finds its origins in individuals' histories.  

A local friend of mine has parents who both divorced (from their first spouses) prior to marrying each other / reproducing.  These folks are highly educated / intelligent Christians who're VERY WELL ESTABLISHED / INFLUENTIAL within their (my) community (well loved by all who come in fortunate contact with them).  Their modus operandi for dealing with the shame from those initial (obviously very short-lived) divorces was to bury it, therefore they never divulged it to their children (& somehow they strong-armed their families to do the same).  

Isn't that weird?  Perhaps.  But, in many ways, I kinda think they were wise.  For their children / grandchildren have excelled.

Nonetheless, if you were to meet these wonderful Christian people, you'd NO IDEA they had any shame surrounding that portion of their individual histories whatsoever.

But they're the exception.

Almost everyone else in the Magnolia State gets seriously mired down in the deep seated collateral damage that coincides with regrettable portions of their lives.  It's simply baked into our humanity. 

-------------------------

My wife and I have worked hard to teach our kidlets about the permanency / weight of stupidity (stupid is a verb) and how it can seemingly forever undermine one's sense of self worth.  And mostly this teaching has been via our commitment to each other / them through their impressionable childhoods.  

For we wouldn't mind them getting baptized in the church I attended this AM, but only if they're choosing to do so is well justified.  

Tiny, dumpy churches mostly exist for deeply ashamed Mississippians.  These folks will forgo (for themselves & their dependents) the bountiful resources available to them within larger, more established (denominatory) churches simply due to the fact that they're convinced that they're too dirty to belong / feel comfortable there.

Let me repeat that:

Tiny, dumpy churches mostly exist for deeply ashamed Mississippians.  These folks will forgo (for themselves & their dependents) the bountiful resources available to them within larger, more established (denominatory) churches simply due to the fact that they're convinced that they're too dirty to belong / feel comfortable there.

Think of it this way.  It's like white people thinking like black people when it comes to their church home.  

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In conclusion, I wonder if this same negative, shame-filled outlook is what motivates pastors (like the one who officiated this morning's baptismal service) to forgo attending seminary (or at times, any form of higher education for that matter) in light of simply "winging it" from their homely pulpits.  I mean, it's not like these men are dumbasses.  If you're going to do any form of preaching / pastoring, you certainly can't be low intelligence.  Therefore, seminary / higher ed is certainly an option for them, yet they choose to not move in that direction.

Therefore, absolutely, these pastors can absolutely be collaterally damaged.  Seriously damaged.  I've seen it (some of these men are involved in Samson Society).  

Shame is the second most powerful force on planet Earth.  Masculinity is the first.  How different Mississippi would look if we could simply get a grip on our shame.

Being A Contrarian

Years ago, I lead a Samson Society National Retreat workshop that centered around same-sex attraction.  I was generously given a lot of content leeway therein.  I decided fairly quickly that the workshop should center around attributes of Rob that were somehow related to my stance / position regarding my SSA.  One of those was me being a contrarian.  Also, I made it very clear - right at the outset of my presentation - that I was representing no one but myself / my own opinion / choices.

Fast forward...

The attribute that I've come back to again and again for analysis is contrarianism.  Hence, my decision to postulate a bit here. 

But before I do, let me be clear.  Contrarianism, for me, is tied directly to an attitude / outlook, and that attitude is a combination of "Fuck you!" and flippant (the percentage of each depends on the day of the week you ask me).

Now, back to my postulating. 

This contrarian attribute may very well have grown out of me being an only child.  Obviously, there were no siblings to imitate / shadow, therefore I had the privilege of being the oldest, middle and youngest child simultaneously within my family.  In line with that was being an unplanned only child (my 'rents were 18 & 19 when they had me).  That distinction made the family unit I was reared in feel understandably less stable / surefooted (though, I believe, perhaps only to me).  And this feeling I only truly took note of when I was in the presence of other families outside of my own (extended & otherwise).  For example, families at our church. 

Regarding my extended family (Turner side of the house), my grandfather had long since died (he died of lung cancer in his early 40s) when the Turners (my dad had three brothers & they all married multiple times / had multiple children of their own) gathered in the MS Delta for holiday gatherings.  As such, his widowed wife (my grandmother) had also remarried / divorced by this point in time.  Maurine lived alone in a large, very posh home in small town (Delta) Mississippi that existed solely to intimidate / impress.

As such, that sense of firsthand family (my parents & I) instability / vulnerability definitely existed too "within the same key" whilst participating in those larger Turner settings.

Therefore, my concept of family represented a whole lot of me myself (independent from everyone around me) in light of not feeling much of any sure-footedness / longstanding emotional / relational stability with those folks.

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I believe the very first contrarian decision I gravitated towards - consistently - had to do with how I viewed females versus males (& I couldn't help but include myself as one of the latter).

Taking both of my parents into consideration, my mother's experience carrying / birthing / VERY YOUNG mothering had a profound impact on her (as it should have, but keep in mind that she was a teen mother).  As such, she chose to nurture me to the best of her ability despite her too only being a child.  My dad, due to him simply being the teenage sperm donor, experienced much less maturational (patriarchal) impact for such a time as that.  But also, to his credit, he was doing his part to provide for his dependents, and this involved obtaining higher ed whilst working part-time to win the bread (that rhymes!).

I feel certain this parental role asymmetry (MOM / dad) impacted me greatly as a small child.  As such, though I was no doubt male, I chose to reject the masculine (as it was presented to me by my father) in light of the straightforwardness in emulating this man as it pertained to his personality, character, likes / dislikes.  

And I was somewhat consciously aware of how much of a backassward modus operandi this was, yet I was content with my contrary.  

What became of me as a result of this?  Also, how did it affect my dad?

As a child, I gravitated towards having / making friends much more easily with girls than with boys.  That being said, I did have numerous friends who were male, cherishing those relations along the way.  Also, I was transfixed by female entertainers.  Especially female vocalists.  Therein, I grew up during the '80s (the MTV era).  Therefore, all these beautiful female vocalists were also just as visually elevated / celebrated so long as they had the physical goods to match.

Ultimately, as a result of all this female emulation / worship, I became deeply uncomfortable sexualizing the opposite sex (believe me, I tried).  For I felt this to be in contradiction to who I'd somewhat secretly sworn emotional allegiance to as a boy / chosen moreso to identify with.   

Regarding my dad, as a result of his rejection from me, he slowly took the same approach in kind, for there was no other child but Rob (he really got the short end of the stick) to role model manhood for.  I'll write more about this within an forthcoming post.

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Contrarianism eventually morphed into a survival technique for adolescent (ages 13-18) Rob (as you can imagine, I was the very definition of outcast) even to the point of determining who my friends would become.  

And this wasn't necessarily a liability for me.  So many of my immediate peers (particularly at school) were extremely rebellious / unruly / secular to a fault.  As such, I reflexively chose to move in the opposing direction despite this leaving me isolated.  

But here's where the lines get blurred regarding this season of my life.

Immediately prior to me entering middle school, I was unexpectedly lassoed in by the gospel, therefore I became deeply convicted to follow the teachings / example of Jesus Christ (as recorded within the New Testament gospels).  As every Christian knows, Jesus was the ultimate contrarian, and man oh man, could I ever relate!

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Choosing to pursue a degree in architecture was also fueled via my contrarianism.  Particularly growing up in the "economic butt crack" (Mississippi), architecture made little sense, but that nonsensicalness (contrarian!) combined with my above average skillset as an illustrator propelled me forward and forward and forward.

But let me insert here too that there was one additional - below the surface - motivator herein.  And that was to prove my mettle (to myself).  And architecture school very much became that personal proving ground.

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When I began dating my wife (fifth year of architecture school), a friendship was rekindled with someone of deep, steadfast faith.  What she didn't realize was she too was a contrarian (& she's still not completely convinced of this).  But her faith, and I cannot emphasize this enough, was magnanimous.  Again, I point to Jesus' example.  Need I say more?

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In closing, I have to admit that I hope to ultimately rear a brood of adult contrarians, but only in and through modeling contrarianism as a powerful means to live a life out-of-line with the mainstream / in line with the gospel.  

As you've read here, contrarianism sort of gobbled me up as a child in response to a very 

unplanned

singular

immaturishly unstable (emotional)

upbringing. 

As such, I really wouldn't change a thing, though it required me to take my need for being fathered into my own hands.

My Smoking Hot Friendboy / Brother + The Swimmer Angel

I'm an only child.  As such, I'm independent to a fault and hardly anything ruffles my feathers - outside of my home (I have no idea if that's at all related to being an only).  Essentially, I'm the opposite of flamboyant within my day-to-day life.  Ain't nothing too unexpected / out of the ordinary gonna trip up 'ole Rob, Jr.

Combine with that a genuine sensitivity to emotions.  Now, for those of you that know me, this may not appear to be the case, but it's the truth.  Essentially, when I allow myself to feel, it's a pure, unadulterated experience that makes a lasting impression.  I believe this is due too to my only child upbringing.  For dealing with same-sex attraction throughout my growing up years, I chose to sort and learn from my feelings therein.  Otherwise, I would have ended up either a chemical addict or dead.  

Recognizing these two attributes, God's not shy about throwing me curveballs.

Essentially, I now have a what amounts to a younger brother.  I've written about this Christian (non-Samson) guy before, lamenting about his penchant to prioritize certain (masculine) hobbies over religious activities / commitments in tandem with tolerating a wife whose immaturity oftentimes leaves my head scratching.

And this guys all into Rob.  And I believe that's due to him NOT being an only child (he has two close-in-age siblings).  As such, I've simply moved into position as brother as a result of both our platonic chemistry and need.  

All this being said, I cannot truly comprehend being interdependently tied to a permanent, familial community.  My relationship with my parents attests to this.  Therefore, seeing how emotionally tethered he is to me, even at this stage of our 3-year friendship, blows my mind.

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Now, let me address the physical side of our brotherhood.

If you were look up the word masculine in the dictionary, you'd see a photo of my friend.  In line with that, if you were to cram every one of my masculine archetype personifications into one man, you'd pretty much have my brother.  Hence, each time I'm around him feels surreal due to the fact that's he just so damn physically impressive. 

And just so you know, whenever I introduce him to family / other friends, there's typically some blank stares due to the impossible to ignore oddball coupling.

It's some weird shit.

And that's all I'll say about that.

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Now back to the following statement:  I cannot truly comprehend being interdependently tied to a permanent, familial community.  My relationship with my parents attests to this.  Therefore, seeing how emotionally tethered he is to me, even at this stage of our 3-year friendship, blows my mind.

Every time we rendezvous, it feels that much more permanent.  And this permanency solidifying whilst he and I both are consistently / healthily adding to our individual circle of friends - both personally & professionally.  In other words, it isn't, by any means, a codependent friendship. 

What's hardest for me is the VOID short circuiting my ability to comprehend his love / respect for Rob.  This leaves me feeling out of sync with reality.  And it can be jarring.  Especially when he's hurting and needs my care.  As such, my sympathetic gestures feel disingenuous whether it's a word or touch.

And the VOID has been on a roll as of late.  I feel and see so very much blank space whilst looking inward, and that's tremendously frustrating / depressing.  As such, I gravitate to gay porn when these feelings hollow me out enough.  

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I wrapped up my work yesterday, (9/5) not long after mid-afternoon prior to doing some shopping and then finally landing at the Y for a swim.  It was around 6 PM, therefore with it being Friday, things were slowly beginning to clear out (they close at 8 PM).  The indoor pool is well used throughout the week since it's one of the only ones in the Metro Jackson area.  As such, I tend to feel fairly intimidated asking about open lanes, particularly if a swim team is practicing outright.  Nonetheless, the rule is that they're to obligate two for members (except between 4-5 PM) but often they don't.  

Fridays typically are different though.  Especially early evening on Fridays.  And that's one of the reasons I swim then.  It's sort of like when I first started strength training at age 36.  As such, there's a distinct slowness to truly warming up to a new (athletic) setting.

Prior to putting my bag down in the locker room, I always stick my head in the natatorium before changing (to get a lay of the land).  Yesterday evening was no different.  Surprisingly (disappointingly?), there was an elementary girls' swim team practicing, though it looked as if they didn't have the entire pool.  

As I walked back into the locker room, another man (a few years younger than me) followed my lead, but when he returned from peering into the natatorium, he asked me if I was there to swim.  And then he said something that struck me.  It had to do with him vouching for both of us in light of our intent to share the pool with the children.  

I was seen, and I mean really seen.

By this point, I was in my swim trunks, towel in hand.  I let him know how long I'd be in the pool (needing a lane) and then I made my way.  He then volunteered to take the handicap ramped lane (on the far end), but I told him I had no issues using it.

And then I was swimming.  Just as I always do.  Trying to zone out and think about nothing in particular. But I quickly realized that he was too, and surprisingly, in the adjacent lane.  And it was weird because every other Friday evening, there'd be no one but me & the lifeguard in this enormous, barrel-vaulted room, yet tonight there was this very kind, very comfortable man right there alongside.  

I eventually introduced myself, and he complimented me on my build (in response to me disclosing how often I typically swim during the week), using that as a segue to disclose that he'd just returned to MS and started back swimming a few weeks prior.  

After a half hour, just he said he would, he wrapped up his routine.  We talked further (about churches & how I had another friend with his identical name), and he got out.  I told him I'd gladly give him my card were my wallet not locked up in my car.  In reaction, he assured me we'd run into each other again there at the pool.

I felt so fortunate to have had that encounter with that stranger for such a time as that.

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Why?

For it was so sweet and so needed.  It represented for the first time, having swam consistently within that space over the past three months, an experience where someone sincerely made the effort to be kind to me in such a way that felt genuine and distinct.  And of all places, it was whilst dripping wet, wearing only swim trunks, there in the Y pool.

I wonder if that man was an angel.  Could he have been heaven sent?

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Let me say this in closing.  As you can tell, I'm needing some clarity regarding who I am, what my meld is and how that meld has impacted others (friends, clients, family) throughout my life.  And perhaps clarity isn't the right word.  Maybe a better word is truth / reformatting.

The VOID needs to collapse in on itself, laying the foundation for change.  Otherwise, I can't serve myself with any dignity / accuracy nor my brothers.  Whether they be old or new ones.

Flying Straight Into The Flame

My modus operandi throughout the majority of my adult life has been to never back down from a challenge as it pertains to facing (& ultimately staring down / managing) homosexual desires.  Particularly when the man involved is of obvious platonic / relational value to Rob.  For I've come to quickly ascertain that sexual desire is fickle and not at all permanent.  As such, especially considering homosexual attraction's dubiousness, my mantra more often than not is "Who really cares?".

Now, let me rewind the clock for a few minutes.  I do not want to give you, dear reader, the impression that this cavalier attitude towards my sexuality nor my confidence in the "value of friendships" (with men I may be sexually attracted to - to whatever degree) themselves has always been.  Oh, Hell no.  

The first real formal relational attempt (what I'd hoped would be safe / healthy) that I pursued as a young man (tied to me being a Christian husband / father who'd experienced same-sex attraction extemporaneously since his youth) ended very abruptly.  And please know that regarding the moniker, "young man", I was around the age of 35 at the time.  Thankfully, I chalked this almost instantaneous flameout up to inexperience.  Nonetheless, I was quite desperate and very ready to find an authentic friend.  Especially one who might provide me with some sincere support / guidance.  That sincerity / desperation combined with enough confidence in myself, allowed me to quickly pick myself up / brush myself off and carry forward exploring the landscape for friendlys.  

Alas, even then, I began to suspect (& please know that I've never been a default pessimists) how difficult it might be to find authentic friendship even amongst other Christians.  For I was not naive enough to believe that fessing up to having homosexual desires wouldn't complicate matters / raise eyebrows.

Thank goodness I'm a bit of an exhibitionist at heart.

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Can I have a deeply satisfying friendship sans being authentic about my sexuality?  I'd say TODAY yes, but it's what I'd categorize as a 99% friendship. 

Back then, NO.  For no one (other than a handful of therapists, my wife / parents) had known this part of me, and eventually I reached a breaking point.

As such, today, I have subconsciously incorporated my same sex attraction into my "qualifier checklist" that I utilize to adjudicate potential friendships.  Does this mean a more sexually attractive guy might qualify?  Not necessarily within the viewpoint of the man on the street.  But, for me personally, I do find that when my masculine archetype is identified and notably combined with certain other characteristics, I (holistically) take notice.

And that's true for a lot of guys regardless of their sexuality.  Looks / posture / presentableness are impossible to ignore whilst sizing up another human being.

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This past week, I reached out to a Samson Society newcomer (after he'd shared his contact info with me post newcomer meeting) letting him know formally of my desire to befriend him.  I only did this having sought the counsel of a longstanding Samson brother.  For my concern was making this newbie feel cornered, and that was absolutely not my intent.

Nonetheless, this move grew out of me myself feeling exceptionally needy as of late.  Neediness as an outgrowth of some kind of fierce (seasonal?) loneliness.  

So here I am.  Admitting to that and waiting to possibly hear back from newcomer Samson guy, Pete.  And no, I'm not optimistic.  

In closing, I'm thankful to be able to admit to feeling this way over the past month or so, and as strange as it may sound, I'm grateful too for how it's tested my capacity to tolerate a pain that's not been distinctly present for quite some time.  For loneliness is like a low roar, at least for me, 'till it's much, much more.  

And yes, just so you know, I have delved back into gay porn as a result of this.  But nothing other than revisiting a handful of iconic videos from years past.  Videos that bring temporary comfort.  

Please pray for me to have the patience I need to endure this season of feeling alone / unseen. 

And one more thing.

Over the past four years (even during the pandemic), fall represented coming alongside my oldest daughter as she supported her now alma mater's football team as a member of the collegiate dance squad.  All that's come to an end now that she's graduated.  Hence, there's been a sizable shift in our autumn routine.

It's important to know that her college's football team, during the past four years, mostly embarrassed the school, game after game after game (though they did have one winning season which lead to a bowl game).  In light of this wretched ball playing, we only attended game days that were played on home turf, and then, only those that gave us an opportunity to support our daughter's squad in light of some particularly favored performance. 

Nonetheless, today was the first time I truly took stock of this routine being no more.  And I believe it too is taking its toll.   

That Tinge Of Infatuation

I've been hosting a virtual Samson Society newcomers' meeting since last December.  During the most recent one I hosted, I felt the tinge of infatuation for one of the newcomers.  

This hasn't happened before.  

The meeting is very straightforward (standard format meeting slide deck overview), and typically there isn't much discussion overall.  Nonetheless, each man is asked to relay where he's checking in from, what brought him to Samson Society and what he's hoping to get out of participating within this ministry.  These shares are usually between 2-8 minutes in length, and none of the content is unlike anything I haven't heard prior.

At the tail end, I ask each man if they're ready to "take the plunge into Samson Society feet first", and with a positive response (95% say YES!) sees me sending a specific robo-email invitation to login to www.samsonsociety.com / Samson Society's Slack community.  

And that's it in a nutshell.

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So, what do we as men do when we feel that circumstantial tinge (towards either females or males) within settings that are in no way romantically appropriate?

Do these feelings (themselves) provide a license to pursue the individual that's responsible for these sexual sparks?

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Here're the pragmatics -

Firstly, it's important for me to disclose that the Samson newcomer that served as the "infatuation catalyst"  didn't, in anyway, intentionally captivate that portion of my emotional core.  Instead, it had everything to do with how he looked within the Zoom thumbnail / how he sounded mixed with what he said exactly (which wasn't anything out of the ordinary).  Not to mention my own state of mind for such a time as that.

Secondly, there's the knee-jerk reaction that must be dealt with.  And that is this:  The desire to pursue that individual on behalf of these unexpectedly electrifying feelings.  

And thirdly, there's the state of mind after the fact and how we're to handle that internally.

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My best advice when you find yourself in a similar situation is to thank God for that part of your sexual self that's on point (no pun intended).  And in line with that, savor the feelings as well as the physiological response (erection).  From there, you do nothing.  Days will pass and these feelings will diminish naturally.  

Lastly, never, ever take it upon yourself to fixate on infatuation as if you're somehow able to read people with such expertise that you're then qualified to reciprocate accordingly (or worse, under some form of perverted obligation).  Please know that if it's impossible for you to turn away appropriately, seek out a Samson brother for support.

Samson Society, your workplace, church as well as numerous other settings - DO NOT EQUATE to a club / bar.  As such, you are expected to fall in line with the respective norms (particularly as a Christian man) towards yourself firstly and then to everyone else.

That being said, I'm a human and so are you.  Circumstantial sexual attraction is God breathed and such the gift of being an image bearer.  And as we all know, it can occur in some very unexpected settings / circumstances as we navigate through this life one day at a time.

Lagniappe