During my first Samson Society meeting back in August of 2014, I met a younger man who'd also lost (two, actually) jobs for breaking company policy (IT / personnel). I wasn't at all sure how to feel about that connection for I was still deeply overwhelmed with shame / grief therein (my similar job loss occurred in September of '13).
He was very friendly though and did not discount the role his wife played in his recovery. This piqued my interest.
This younger professional man's initial job loss came during a season where their young family was (as the Turners were) living in small town MS. They'd been there a good bit longer than our one year, and therefore had made more platonic connections. As a result of his job loss, his wife promptly "threw him out" (his words) of their house which resulted in him bunking on a friend's couch for +/- one week. Eventually, he found another job (civil engineering firm), and after that seemingly reciprocal termination, they found themselves looking for work either back home (AL) or somewhere in Jackson (they landed in "The Bold New City").
At some point during all of these fits & starts, my new friend's wife declared that her husband was "someone she didn't recognize".
I really became dialed in at this revelation for I knew that what she actually meant was:
"This part of you that's so drawn to sexual content / salaciousness / flirtatiousness with the opposite sex, I refuse to acknowledge (though I've been aware of it all along)."
In other words, pretend to be someone else. Everyone likes you better that way.
I believe it's important to know that his wife was deeply religious, having come from a deeply religious family.
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A much younger, mentally ill Samson brother was quick to call out "doormat" wives within our then troupe. The year was probably 2018. In that regard, the husbands married to these ladies were Type A, dominant males. This younger man obviously felt as if wives shouldn't be submissive? I have no idea.
Of course, this raises the question of what actually is / qualifies as submissive.
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My second architect bossman (1996-2006) divorced his first wife (the mother of his two young sons) due to her being "unreasonable". This man was / is ten years my senior (he hired me when I was 24). Now, he'd been intensely hands-on with their second son (birth - preschool), leading me to believe his wife was an educated, working full-time professional (this man, my boss, had since remarried - to one of his employees). I was never given the opportunity to meet Wife One but oh, how I longed to. I absolutely wanted to understand more about his terminology.
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Last year, I reached out to a Samson brother who'd posted grim marital news on Slack (on Xmas Eve). From there, we began to chat weekly. He'd been separated (but only during the daytime) from his spouse for awhile, living instead at his sister's home (20-minutes drive away). He been readily dismissing his siblings / parents' criticism of the arrangement (they wanted him back living full-time within his own home). Instead, choosing to vouch for his wife's demands.
Keep in mind that she was a homeschool mom (to three young children) with bizarre health issues that were / are seemingly undiagnosable. In fact, one of those bizarre health issues convinced her to demand that they build a new home in lieu of living comfortably (except for her) where they were residing.
My Samson brother too had lost a job (D-day) via breaking his employer's IT policy. He'd also executed a full disclosure with his wife under the guidance of a therapist. I believe it's important to note that his job loss and all the complications therein resulted in suicidal ideation.
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Another Samson (younger) brother whom I've communicated with for a number of years ranks within the top 3 pertaining to intelligence / career success. He's a brilliant guy who's in turn making money hand over fist. In spite of his drive / vocational stardom, he's recently endured an "in-home" separation from his spouse.
Too, she's feeling more agreeable now that his pocket computer is locked down, leaving him unable to go online.
Now, when I say brilliant whilst describing this young man, I'm not referring to just a high ACT / SAT score kind of brilliant. I'm talking about - change the world sort of brilliant.
What's interesting about his situation is he's terrified of his wife and her threats (particularly related to divorce).
Yet, they spend almost all of their free time together. Whether it's playing sports or vacationing (together with their two small children).
Another interesting note is his wife is of Mexican descent (he's white).
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And finally, another Samson brother attended last Sunday's "Brain Changers" virtual Samson Society meeting (that I facilitate), having (earlier that Father's Day) been humiliated by his wife (in front of their adult children) via her chiding him pertaining to his "untrustworthiness" with computers (pocket & otherwise). He was so distraught at her crass disrespect (he was in the middle of doing vacation research for their family) that he was visibly shaken. I didn't know what to do in response.
But I can tell you what my kneejerk reaction was.
Hire a divorce attorney yesterday.
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My wife recognized three things back in 2013 (D-day) regarding Rob, her husband:
1. He'd been honest with her regarding his struggles with sexual sin since their formal engagement in 1995.
2. He'd been actively looking for help ever since. Particularly in line with technological advancements (digital smut's viral availability).
3. The emotional fallout tied to his job loss had been devastating to him personally as well as their marriage, considering the risk they'd both taken to execute the new vocational role (with three small children).
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What frustrates me about my friendships with Samson guys, who're either married or seriously involved with the opposite sex, is how disjointed my feelings become regarding WHAT I HEAR of their spouse / spouse's reaction. And this is due to the overlay of my own spousal support therein.
I suppose too that I truly believe marriage is a sacred yoking between two very imperfect people. People who didn't choose marriage to begin with in order to not recognize the desire for integrated, ongoing support. Especially considering the unpredictability of culture / technology / life and how they intersect personally with each of us as individuals.
In closing, I often hear Samson guys disclosing how their wives don't feel safe around them anymore.
As strange as it may sound, I don't know why any woman could find a man attractive who's completely safe to be yoked to. Men, by definition, are masculine in the sense that they will things into existence that weren't there prior. They're also disciplined and resilient in line with this pursuit. Hence, yoking oneself therein will result in risks that far outsize the security baked into a life lived alone. This is what makes men men, and it's what makes marrying a man so enticing.
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