Husband Material?

This past weekend, Angie and I were working out at our local, crappy YMCA, and within minutes of us moseying in, a middle-aged guy introduced himself to me, all smiley and exuberant-like.  Because strength training (if it's done correctly) involves physical pain, it's unusual to encounter folks therein who're in such high spirits.

This energized exerciser recognized me, but not my bride, yet he couldn't quite put his finger on how he knew me (I came to find this out later).  From there, he actually encouraged me to chat with him during my workout routine, but alas, he soon discovered that he'd picked the wrong gym guy for that.  

An hour or so passed, and from there, Angie brought me up to speed regarding this dude.  For he'd eventually introduced himself to her too, and she immediately recognized him as one of our neighbors.  One of our recently married neighbors.  Who'd just happened to betroth another man.  

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Back in late December of '22, I reached out to a Samson dude (via Slack) who'd been in a breakout room with me during a virtual Samson Society meeting.  My follow-up request was to hear his story, and in order to instill some trust, I decided to divulge mine first (along with a link to this blog).  I was grateful that this allowed me to gain his trust.  He quickly followed suit, and within a few weeks, we were off and running with our friendship (rarely, if ever, did we see each other within virtual Samson meetings on down the road).

For the next six months, he and chatted consistently once a week.  And when I say chatted, these were thoughtful exchanges with absolutely zero frivolities.  This guy's voice is one that's overall, truly a pleasure to listen to.  And that's a result of standalone speaking skill, region of the country he was reared within (dialect) and - most importantly - intelligence.  

And when I say intelligence, I'm referring to strong intelligence.  

Yet, his persona is demure.  Almost to the point of being bashful.  Nonetheless, there's a whole lot about him that I am absolutely drawn to.  At least taking into consideration the portion of this Samson brother that I know, constraints notwithstanding.

This man was at the '22 National Samson Retreat, but I didn't know him then.  Nor did I have the opportunity to meet him.

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22-23 years ago, I was already on the hunt for "group therapy / help" in whatever form I could find it locally.  Back then, my primary issue was loneliness stemming from the shame / confusion surrounding my homosexual desires.  This loneliness, I feared, might eventually drive me to cheat on my newish wife (Angie).  Hence, I somehow caught wind of a local Methodist Church that had a "group" for "guys like me" (whatever that meant), and I attended after speaking over the telephone with one the church pastors who reflexively referred me to one of its regular attendees.

The group was a "Sex Addicts Anonymous" gathering, and every man that regularly attended (the same few meetings I attended) thoroughly creeped me out.  Some of the things they shared during those hour-long meetings were so far beyond my comprehension relative to my mundane existence that I felt as if I literally had landed on another planet.  It didn't help matters that most of these men weren't at all close to my age.

But the original guy (who was just a few years older than I) who'd been my initial SA point-of-contact had been super friendly and accommodating.  And he too experienced strong homosexual tendencies (& had been reared in MS).  Therefore, we made a point to meet outside of the SA troupe in order to fill each other in on our individual stories.  

It was obvious from the beginning of our friendship that this man was entertaining the idea of somehow moving our relationship from the platonic to the romantic.  And it wasn't necessarily due to any overt attraction to Rob.  Instead, I believe he was solely looking to conveniently "scratch an itch".  But I was married and couldn't relate to his itch.  As a result of this, I began to slowly back pedal.  

What made the most distinct impression on me regarding this experience was how out of place I felt at the end of the day.  

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Yesterday morning, I received a call from my demure, highly intelligent Samson brother confirming his intention to attend next weekend's '23 National Samson Society retreat.  In spite of his low-key demeanor, I could tell he was excited to be relaying this to me whilst confirming (yet again) my intentions to also attend.

I'll be honest with you, dear reader, I'm just as excited to finally meet him.  

But mostly, I simply want to be present for him.  For this will be my sixth National SS retreat.  For me, they're routine.  For him, not so much, since it's only his second.  

In closing, I'm hopeful this physical coming together will serve our friendship well relative to confirming our mutual trust in each other.  For trust between men is a true gift.  Plus, this dude's just so freaking cool headed.  What fun it will be to see if he'll actually let his guard down as he so readily did when we were telephoning regularly.

"The Toxic Tornado" - JR Everhart

The biggest problem with the human experience is that we’re all trying to get someone to see the wondrous art that is who we are, whilst being buried under trauma and shame.  And typically, no one stays around long enough to dig through the dark forest of our dysfunction to actually see our true selves / the inner child that is so desperate to be known.  Therefore, we just put on a smiling mask of independence to hide our pain and need for connection.  Then one day we wake up in our fifties to realize we may very should have exposed our wounds more readily decades prior.  Hence, we mourn the time lost before morphing into a robot of responsibility, wondering if anyone will ever truly see us (most don’t). 

And this, my friends, I believe, is the greatest loss to/in the modern world.  

This ragamuffin, still today, grapples with this twisted mindset, and in various circumstances, lived it for decades.  Below are my observations interwoven with my own experiences / thoughts / feelings regarding.

Some didn’t survive this lonely walk through the dark carnival of brokenness.  Some overdosed trying to dull the pain of such suffering and others took their own lives.  I myself have stood at the exit door of life many times.  And the only hope I was ever able to find, the only relief I ever got was by unconditional surrender to Jesus Christ.  I know how cliché that sounds.  But I’m not talking about joining a church or being conned into something by some slick talking preacher.  No!  I’m talking about having lost everything, having nothing to live for, and Jesus standing over my broken life and reaching out his welcoming hand to me.  In those moments, it’s not about religion or all the junk that comes with it.  It’s about one man’s soul hanging in the balance and a loving savior walking away from the 99 to save one like me.  I myself have been the prodigal son more times than I could count in this lifetime.  So much so it makes me want to puke with disgust as to how many times I’ve returned to the same sewer of dysfunction he'd already delivered me from.  But the surprising thing is, he’s never once made me feel bad about that process no matter how many times we did the dance of repentance together.  But boy, the enemy was there to remind me of how much of a loser I was every time that repeated cycle occurred.  But that was to be expected.  He is the accuser and father of lies; why should I be surprised when he accuses me and whispers lies into my ears, wanting me to follow his evil ways?  It’s just all part of the journey here on earth.  Hope is only truly found in Jesus Christ.  Everything else is a heavily medicated lie attempting to convince us we don’t need God.  The only thing that drives out darkness is light.  The more we stand in it, the more freedom from toxic self-talk we will find.  It’s really not complicated, it just takes the faith of a mustard seed…

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A Man's Greatest Aphrodisiac Is His Perceived Ability To Provide A Woman With Security. Enter Prince Coitus.

During my high school days ('88-'90), there was a late-weeknight call-in "sex talk" show that was broadcast on cable television.  Mind you, this show wasn't available via premium channel, and it was not filmed in front of a live audience.  Instead, it was perhaps on some fledgling network in a fairly nondescript studio (similar to Larry King Live!).  Very rarely would I be up late enough (11 PM CST) to chance upon it (too the male host was incredibly obnoxious), but one night I do recall paying it heed due to there being a very handsome young man on set as an "in-studio guest".  

What intrigued me most about this particular broadcast was how this handsome bachelor proceeded to coolly articulate his rationale behind his (& other men's) nonchalant approach to promiscuity.  From there, he took it a step further and explained his thinking regarding how his female lovers choose to perceive him as a playa.

And this guy may have been prostituting himself to women.  I honestly can't remember.

Nonetheless, as a 17-18-year-old teenager, this served as an excellent lesson regarding cheap, hetero, sexual relationships.  As such, it truly has stood the test of time as I've lived out my life.

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The cul-de-sac we've lived on for 23 years is home to ten other "garden (small) homes".  Six of the overall eleven are 3-bedroom while the remainder are 2-bedroom.  There're three (not Medicare-age) singles living within these single-family homes, two of which are "relationally active".  

What I mean by that is both have significant others that visit often, and it's not unusual for them to stay overnight, even for weeks at a time.  

One of these two "relationally active" homeowners is female and other male.  Both have children, some of which pay a visit on occasion while others seemingly come and go at will.  

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Prince Charming is how the young, handsome in-studio guest (late-night '80s sex talk call-in show) described his harem of female lovers imagining him to be as they chose to participate in relationally non-committal intercourse.  

As we know from the fairy tale, Prince Charming was Snow White's savior.  He restored her health, having come for her during her time of "eternal sleep".  Therein, going forward, it's implied that his presence radically transforms her existence which leads to abundance, joy, and eternal happiness.  It's a fate that's fit for a Disney film, and it is deeply ingrained within the psyche of our culture.

The young, handsome in-studio guest went on to describe how he could sense this mirage each and every time he'd achieve participating within consensual intercourse, based on the woman's receptiveness towards him.  He did, in fact, acknowledge his physical attractiveness (which perfectly played into her fantasies), but made it clear that each of the women he'd engaged with sexually were unwilling to spread their legs out of a raw desire to fuck (which was his MO).  Instead, they were perpetuating a romantic fantasy throughout coitus that was hinged on safety, stability, and hopefulness (that he'd surely bring abundance, joy and eternal happiness).

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Our home is positioned at the entrance point of our cul-de-sac.  As such, we have more frontage than any of the other ten homes, by far.  Therefore, me being in and out a fair amount, I can't help but see who's coming and going at all hours of the day and night.  Loverboys (& girls) make their way to our neighbors' abodes regularly, all the while never acknowledging Rob as they do so.  I find myself, at times, attempting to make eye contact when they pass but to no avail.  Me thinks this is the case due to fact that I'm no doubt a REAL, LIVE HUSBAND.

Men absolutely crave wet pussy.  As much as they can get and as often as they can get it.  Women want security.  Even if it's fantastical security.  And they'll (oftentimes begrudgingly) jettison their chaste in order to compromisingly receive it. 

What's fascinating to me is the power of the fantasy.  Females are taught, from an early age, to firmly believe in Prince Charming in tandem with what romantic love looks like.  

My question is, when do they become more involved with the fantasy, thereby removing their better judgement relative to reality?  In other words, knowing that they'd be better off, for all parties involved, to steer clear of perpetuating yet another sexual relationship, why do they allow themselves to not see men's intentions clearly (zero long-term commitment / artificial security)?  

Fantasy, within women's minds is amazingly affective.  I have to wonder if intercourse (resulting in orgasmic pleasure) doesn't further concretize the illusion as the brain releases hormones in line with the sex act itself.

Prince Coitus?     

Hamstring Yourself (For Your Own Good) While You're (Still) Young. This Will Best Prepare You To Re-Prioritize Entertainment Tech Well Into Middle-Age.

I broke my Californian Morman Silee's heart last night by bearing down on him for recently snapping up the latest & greatest pocket computer.

He couldn't answer logically why he'd justified the purchase.  Instead, he just laughed nervously as I continued to interrogate.  

So, why exactly should he be scorned for owning the latest, most advanced smartphone?

To make him think.  So few people actually do this anymore.

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This is why I'm a card-carrying Samson guy:

There is nothing on Earth I enjoy more than watching videos of gorgeous, hot guys having sex with each other.  Particularly hot guys who are really into each other's bodies.  All along, giving the impression, to the audience (me!), that they have a love for each other that's being expressed sexually.  Too, it's icing on the cake if these videos are well lit ("high" production values), and the set (where the sex is taking place) is seemingly well designed.  

To take it a step further, I like following certain gay porn models by watching video after video of them having sex with various other men or mens (or just themselves).  It's a way for me to privately "get to know" / form a "relationship" these men who're dedicated to their field.  Especially from the standpoint of how they specifically engage with their onscreen lovers.  

In all honesty, watching these muscled, hairy studs orgasm is the zenith of pleasurable experiences for Rob.  Seeing this is like winning the lottery!  Especially when the camera captures their countenance as they're climaxing.  Seeing their eyes roll back into their skulls as they hold their breath / moan in ecstasy...losing all semblance of respectable cool.  This is what I (my flesh) live to see!

And as you know, dear reader, the Internet is / was designed for PORN!

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The absolute first line of defense that I have against satiating my fleshly craving to consume videos of men having sex is to pull back far enough to attack the problem via access.

You cannot run if you're crippled.  It's as simple as that.

Hence, in order to properly advocate for myself, I had to willingly hamstring relative to tech.  And this approach has served me incredibly well.

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So, who am I exactly relative to tech?

The Turners don't own a television other than a 27" Sony CRT that I purchased back in 2000 ($549.99 at Best Buy) when I passed the Architectural Registration Exam.  It's in an entertainment cabinet at the foot of our bed in the master bedroom.  It isn't tied to CATV or an Internet streaming service.  All this behemoth is capable of doing is playing DVD video at 480i resolution (it does have a 16:9 widescreen viewing mode).

My wife, Angie, bought an Internet tablet years ago, but I don't have the passcode to unlock.  We do not subscribe to any Internet streaming service nor are we a member of Amazon Prime.

My smartphone is so antiquated that it's really only suited for calls, texting, and navigation.  It will take photos / videos, but it has so little memory that it won't hold too many.  I am not engaged in social media at all.  The notion of using my pocket computer to make video / photo selfies sounds about as interesting (& productive) as watching (or starring in) episodes of Teletubbies.  

I do not and would not ever own a computer watch.  

The laptop I have at home (to engage in the virtual Samson Society group, "Brain Changers", on Sunday afternoons) is a dinosaur.  Surfing the Internet is possible, but it's very laborious.  I often get the "High Memory Usage!" warning whilst having multiple tabs open within the browser.  

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I came to adjudicate early on as a young man (pre-Internet) that it would greatly benefit me to become a contrarian to westerner's passionate pursuit of media consumption if I wanted to live any form of a fulfilling, Christ-centric life.  Having been reared within a household where television broadcasting (CATV) was consumed nightly (weekdays & weekends), it didn't take me long to wake up to how much precious time I'd wasted staring at my parents' 20" Toshiba CRT television.  

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Be smart, dear reader.  If you enjoy lust as much as Rob does (& are as convicted as I am relative to its spiritual toxicity), put yourself on a very short (hardware / software) leash today.  It's your first line of defense against being normal.  

From there, use your time to read or write a book / poetry, play or compose a song on a musical instrument, exercise, volunteer, visit a friend, plant / tend to a garden, etc.

Anything is more respectable than staring at a screen, consuming mind-rotting content that will do you no good down the road.  

Lagniappe

"The Forest Of Struggle" - JR Everhart

I was dialoguing recently with a young man regarding his lackluster dating experiences, and he mentioned a fetish website that he was using to meet his physical needs.  I immediately warned him before sharing some of my story.  Unfortunately, I believe my words fell on deaf ears.  And such is the case with most of us when it comes to feeling like we deserve to have our (physical) needs met.  In so many ways, I'm just as guilty of taking advantage of this flawed logic.  I still find myself looking to porn or, at the very least, memories of past experiences to meet my needs.  In all honesty, I’ve never fully ceased acting out.  Obviously when I was married, my wife and I had each other to meet our individual needs.  But today, as a divorced man, it’s tough.  I have been on and off the rollercoaster more times than I can count, and the reality is:  Once you’ve tasted this forbidden fruit, it’s very hard to not return, all under the guise of sexual gratification.  Throughout my eleven years of being involved within recovery counseling and ministry, I’ve never met a man - who was still young enough to have a sex drive - who wasn't struggling with this particular albatross.  Obviously, there're those out there who've found their libidos quelled completely, but all-in-all, a healthy, single man seems to have all the cards stacked against him. 

At times, I feel as if I’ve dug as deep as I can in therapeutic workarounds.  All-in-all, this work has brought me immeasurable freedom.  But it still never made me not desire sexual gratification.  Nonetheless, it’s definitely easier than it was over a decade ago.  By admitting to this, I realize it isn’t a popular idea, but I’m simply wanting to be honest.  

Experiencing sexual gratification feels natural to me.  That being said, viewing porn / ruminating on sexual fantasy feeds the flesh.  These are two diametrically opposed realities that I'm faced with presently.

"I Found Jesus In Prison..." Ethan #16

"For it is true, we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted.  And so, it's those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love them completely without completely understanding."

 

Norman Maclean ~ A River Runs Through It

 

 

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"It's Okay To Win!" - JR Everhart

 Failure is still a pathway to winning. So many times I’ve heard stories of successful people having had to suffer many things in order to find success. There’s no doubt suffering is a major part of the human experience. But in my life I spent so many years struggling and feeling like a big fat loser that once success started showing up in my life, it felt foreign to me. 

I grew up very poor and was the 11th of 12 kids in my family.  Needless to say, I learned the art of being content early on in life.  From there, I was out on my own by 17, taking on the world as a very naive and uncultured country boy from WV.  I’ll never forget how amazed I was when I started working on the road and traveling to major cities.  Not to mention that first time at the beach at 18.  I had so much to EXPERIENCE, yet all the while, I was as blind as a bat to the effects my childhood trauma was having on me as a young adult.  From there, I spent the meat of my adult life (+/-20 years) as a bull in a china shop, attempting to rear my children in spite of my two divorces in tandem with a host of failed romantic relationships.  For many years my life just felt like one failure after another.  And this was especially true when the third divorce came knocking at my door.  

Ultimately, never did I think I would ever be as happy and secure in my skin as I am now. 

I can remember the very first time I realized my compulsive behavior and dysfunction was no longer running my life.  It was like I had lost part of my identity.  It was comparable to the relief one feels when the neighborhood bully moves away.  I felt free for the first time in a very long time.  There was finally hope for me.  Hope that perhaps my gifts and talents wouldn't go to waste.  Today, I'm many years beyond that and experiencing success on levels I could have never dreamed.  Nonetheless, it just feels weird.

In conclusion, I keep waiting for the bubble to pop.  As a result, I struggle to let go of the assumption that disaster may very well be waiting around the corner of every decision I make.  As such, this is my reality.  

I’ve learned, just in the past couple of years, that it’s okay to win.  And that NOT EVERY WIN WILL BE FOLLOWED BY DISASTER.  I’m extremely thankful to be free of that pessimistic outlook.  Specifically, God has established me at the table of my enemies more times than I can count.  I’m so grateful and blessed that he loved me enough to challenge me to grow beyond my narrow vision of life.  I am nothing without him, and all glory belongs to him and him alone.  He’s sent so many people across my path that initially seemed suspect in their motives, but eventually played a vital role in my maturing forward.  

Nothing irrigates the ground of growth like a storm, and God knows I’ve weathered my share of those.  But I am still here!  Still holding my head high.  And yes, I still do have problems, but now I have healthy coping skills in place to navigate this rollercoaster we call life.  I'm convinced that health and success are available to anyone brave enough to walk on the hot coals of personal growth and self-inventory, accepting the hardships of being sifted like wheat and refined in the refiner's fire.  

It’s not a road for the faint of heart.  The strong grow, and the weak self-medicate via the low hanging fruit of self-gratification.  All the right choices are on the table in front of us every day.  It’s up to us to choose our pathway, no one is coming to make those choices for us.  And we all live by the choices we make. 

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The traumatization that occurred due to my job loss in September of 2013 shut the trap door and bolted it shut, leaving my brain under the complete control of "the monkey part" (hippocampus).  As such, I could not healthily process memory / grieve, and therefore (within 3 months) I developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  This consisted of tremendously debilitating flashbacks of my humiliating / shame-laden termination that went on (at least once daily) for 18 months.  

Up until this occurred, I'd had access to my cortex (trap door open), and it served me well throughout my adult life.  Particularly from the standpoint of coping with my identity as a same-sex attracted Christian man.  To be more specific, my cortex's control (point of view) always rendered hopefulness.  Therefore, without it, I eventually became suicidal.  Such was the fatiguing contrast that I was experiencing.  

This video does an excellent job of breaking down / categorizing the power of trauma on the three components of the brain whilst simplistically defining each.  As such, it was super helpful to me.

Recommended viewing.

Lagnippe

Do You Advocate For Your Children / Grandchildren, Or Are You A Militant Asshole / Absentee Father? Or, Is It Somewhere In Between?

Within the city of Jackson, Mississippi (Mississippi's capital), there resides three urban universities and one seminary (I believe I'm correct in my count).  One of these universities is public while the other two are private.  Understandably, the public university is much larger overall (more affordable tuition).  

My two oldest daughters are university students within the largest south Mississippi city, Hattiesburg.  There're two urban collegiate institutions there, one public and one private, the former of which is very close to the same size as the aforementioned public university in Jackson.  Hattiesburg, MS is overall safe and thriving economically.  It has a distinct character and strong sense of place.

This aforementioned public (& again, by far largest) university within the city of Jackson resides within the most unsafe / economically depressed region of the city.  The institution itself is not walled off (security fencing) from the city as one of the two private institutions are, therefore like a traditional urban college, I'm fairly certain that it resides seamlessly within the urban fabric of the capital city of Mississippi.  A city that's overall unsafe and floundering economically (Jackson is losing populace faster than any other city in America).  This, in recent years, has led to an overall depressing character and undeniably hopeless sense of place relative to how the city of Jackson is perceived as a whole (think third world country).

My wife, Angie, graduated from Baylor University back in the early '90s.  Baylor resides in Waco, TX.  It's a city that, per my wife's commentary, combined with my own short stints visiting, is overall safe and thriving economically.  It too had / has a distinct character and strong sense of place.

Taking all of that into consideration, under no circumstances would I allow a child of mine (no matter the gender) to enroll at the public university (the largest of the three institutions) within the city of Jackson.  No.  Matter.  What.

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As a parent, seeing a child off - college bound - takes breathtaking courage.  But it also requires parental guidance.    

I can remember reading years ago of a Baylor University student who was killed via a hit & run there in Waco.  He was riding his bike (alongside another student) after dark when it happened.  The boy was a musician from the Midwest who'd chosen to attend Baylor in spite of no previous familial connection therein.  

As you can imagine, the university was heartbroken, and the parents were devastated.  Eventually, the driver was located and charged.  From what I recall, the manslaughterer was a middle-aged white woman (educator within the local K-12 public school system) who was driving drunk.  

This was tremendously out of character tragedy for the city of Waco, home to Baylor University.

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College students are within that "in-between" stage of life.  No longer children but too, not exactly adults either.  College provides a great petri dish experience for this age group to establish some independent work ethic via a semi-controlled environment.  

This past week, a university student (from out of state) at the aforementioned public university in Jackson was murdered on campus (at a university-owned apartment complex).  The suspects in this murder are also college students, but from other institutions outside of central MS.

What would you do / how would you react if your college student son / daughter was murdered on their college campus?  Especially considering your child's supposed stellar track record as a student / human being.  

Would you question the role that you played relative to agreeing to support your child's enrollment within that institution?   Ultimately, how would you manage the emotional aftermath of seeing your child murdered not only during his most springboard season of life but at the very institution / within the very city where that springboarding was supposed to occur? 

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This hits home with Rob.   

As Dr. Dobson says, parenting isn't for cowards but simultaneously, parenting isn't rocket science.  

God help this family, and God help the city of Jackson and all who reside within it.  

For those of you Samson men who are parents / grandparents, be forewarned.  The effectiveness (performance) of your role as a parent / grandparent is in direct proportion to the seriousness of / commitment to your recovery.  Your dependents' lives may very well depend on it.

Lagniappe

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"I Found Jesus In Prison..." Ethan #15

"For it is true, we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted.  And so, it's those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love them completely without completely understanding."

 

Norman Maclean ~ A River Runs Through It

 

 

Answer: I'm Content With The Status Quo. My Recovery Is Going Just Fine. As Such, I'm Not Interested In Retreating.

Here's the 2023 Samson Summit (10th anniversary of National Samson Society retreats!) itinerary / workshop breakdown:  

The Summit Schedule

On Property Activities Schedule of Availability: Tree Top Towers: 9 am - 12 pm and 1-3:20 pm Ziplines & Hatchet Throwing: 9 am - 12 pm and 3:40-6 pm Canoes & Giant Swing: 1-6 pm

Workshop Descriptions

WORKSHOP OPPORTUNITIES: SESSION ONE Processing Spiritual Abuse with Chris Inman If you’ve ever felt that you were a bad person in your spiritual life, then this breakout group is for you. Join us as we address many of the shaming aspects intertwined in religion. We will root out these lies while sharing an experience of God’s unconditional love and acceptance. In doing so you will see how to disempower much of your addictive struggle and take a great leap forward your recovery journey. Curious and Compassion: An IFS Approach to Addiction and Trauma with Don Williams Internal Family Systems (IFS) recognizes that as men created in the image and likeness of God (Imago Dei Self), we have parts that try to protect us from trauma and unwanted feelings. Instead of treating our addictive impulse as the enemy, we can learn to access Self so we can get to know the addictive part from a place of curiosity and compassion. Join us to learn how these parts make you whole and lead to healing. Rebuilding Marital Intimacy Through FANOS with Jim Ozgunduz It is very difficult to heal a marriage after betrayal. FANOS is a tool that has helped build trust by providing my wife and I a way to be vulnerable with one another. I am grateful for the opportunity to share how this tool can help you. Finding the "Why" In You Recovery with Patrick Peters Do you know why you're leaning into recovery?  Not why anyone else says you should, but why you want to do all this work?  Starting from Simon Sinek's "Start With Why" (the 3rd most popular Ted Talk of all time), we'll adapt those principles to recovery. Divorce, Recovery, Singleness and the Desire for someone to Play with Your Penis with Aaron Porter and Mark Shelley Recovery is challenging enough on its own, but what happens when you add in divorce and being single again? How do you navigate things like doing recovery just for you? Or dating and recovery?  Join us to share some stories and hopefully a bit of wisdom. WORKSHOP OPPORTUNITIES: SESSION TWO Complex Trauma and the Origin of Unwanted Behaviors: How What Happens Before Your 21st Birthday Sets You Up to Struggle and How to Get Your Life Back with Scott Cone This engaging and fast-past workshop will teach you about attunement, affect regulation and attachment…the three developmental A’s…and why these are so critical to to the formation of our minds, identities and relationships; what happens to us when these needs aren’t met and how this sets us up for turning to unwanted behaviors; and, walk you through practical strategies, processes and tools designed to help you heal the effects of trauma and recovery your authentic self. From Victim to Ownership - What does ‘Do the Work’ actually mean?” with Scott Tomlin Moving from understanding to application. Scott will discuss his journey and how he has made application to his daily routine, which has provided safety and healing for him and the primary relationships in his life. Processing Spiritual Abuse with Chris Inman If you’ve ever felt that you were a bad person in your spiritual life, then this breakout group is for you. Join us as we address many of the shaming aspects intertwined in religion. We will root out these lies while sharing an experience of God’s unconditional love and acceptance. In doing so you will see how to disempower much of your addictive struggle and take a great leap forward your recovery journey. Process Addiction" or Distress Reduction Behavior - Understanding the Differences and Why it's Important with Roane Hunter Process addictions are not the same as substance addictions. While substance addictions involve the use of drugs or alcohol, process addictions involve compulsive behaviors in the areas of sexual compulsivity, eating disorders, money (gambling/shopping), technology (iPhones, gaming, social media), reactive aggression, and reactive avoidance.  These behaviors have been labeled "process addictions" when, in reality, they are emotional distress reduction behaviors.   Addiction to a chemical substance has life-threatening physiological effects as opposed to distress reduction behaviors that produce negative psychological effects. The reactive avoidance trauma model is a theory of how trauma can lead to the development of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The model proposes that when a person experiences a traumatic event, they learn to associate the event with danger and threat. This association leads to the development of a fear response, which can manifest as avoidance behaviors, hyperarousal (anxiety), and intrusive (unwanted) thoughts. This workshop will help you understand the difference between addiction (chemical) and distress reduction behavior (emotional).  We will examine the roots of how reactive avoidance is based in emotional dysregulation, disattunement, and impaired attachment. Understanding Shame: We'll delve into the intricate layers of shame, its origins, and its impact on the recovery process with Roe Hunter Participants will gain valuable insights into recognizing and addressing shame in their lives. Building Resilience: Discover practical strategies to develop resilience in the face of shame and judgment. Through self-compassion and self-awareness exercises, you'll learn how to cultivate a resilient mindset. Distress Tolerance Techniques: Addiction recovery often brings about intense emotional distress. This workshop will equip you with effective distress tolerance skills to manage cravings, triggers, and challenging emotions without resorting to problematic behaviors. Group Support: Connect with others who share similar experiences in a safe and supportive environment. Share your challenges and triumphs, and draw strength from the collective wisdom of the group. Mindfulness and Self-Care: Learn mindfulness practices and self-care routines that promote emotional balance and enhance overall well-being. Discover how these techniques can be integrated into your daily life. Setting Realistic Goals: Explore goal-setting strategies that align with your values and recovery journey. Create a roadmap for your future with confidence and clarity. Interactive Activities: Engage in interactive exercises, role-playing, and group discussions to reinforce your understanding and application of shame resilience and distress tolerance concepts. Personalized Action Plan: Leave the workshop with a personalized action plan tailored to your unique recovery needs, helping you implement what you've learned in your everyday life. Whether you're in the early stages of recovery or seeking to strengthen your resilience along the way, "Embracing Resilience" is designed to support and inspire you. Reclaim your life, heal from shame, and develop the skills to tolerate distress without turning to addiction. Join us for this empowering workshop and take a significant step toward a brighter, healthier future in recovery.

Copyright (C) 2023 Samson House. All rights reserved. -------------------------- Question:  Why aren't more Samson Society guys from Mississippi attending the 2023 Samson Summit in Van, TX?   (Bless our hearts.) Lagniappe More lagniappe

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Embrace The Idea Of Pivoting. Don't Limit Your Recovery To Only Samson Society.

 

Many of you have hit a wall within your recovery.  Attending Samson Society meetings and engaging with your Silas simply isn't cutting the recovery mustard (as it once was).

Have you ever attended a family reunion?  A worthwhile and properly administered generational get-together?  One where thoughtfulness has been put into the venue, activities, food, etc.?  

Many of you are (now) of the opinion that you're not necessarily on the same "freak / loser plane" as your localized Samson group attendees (they're from Mars, you're from Venus or vice versa).  Too, your dialogues with your Silas are no longer fresh.  And this is curtailing your willingness to be completely honest with him.  You know that both of these ugly truths are now working against your steadfast recovery, yet you're continuing to go through the Samson Society motions.

Have you ever walked into a CrossFit gym or stepped foot onto a court / playing field, only to feel especially in sync with the guys who were there too?  To the point that the moves you were making equated towards the entirety / synergy of the team?  

Within your recovery journey, many of you have found powerful tools - within Samson Society - relative to tamping down one specific vice, but perhaps some of you have now found that another, less familiar vice, has reared its ugly head (in its place) and is subsequently demanding attention.  And this latter vice, you've no idea what to make of.  All you do know is that it's exciting to participate in yet deeply disturbing simultaneously.  

Have you ever been people-watching, perhaps whilst sitting in your truck outside of a busy grocery store and spotted that guy.  That. Guy.  The one you'd like to sit down and have a cup of Joe with?  There's just something about his stride, what he's wearing, how he navigates the throngs.  All of this adds up to your finding something relatable / attractive about him.  And when he eventually exits the storefront, you (again) can't help but break into a smile as you watch him traverse the asphalt towards his own vehicle, all the while saying a silent prayer for him and his future well-being.

Do you wince at the thought of looking at yourself in the mirror one more time?  Feel way too self-focused.  Self-critical.  Self.  Self.  Self.  Self.  Self.

-------------------------

It may be time to segue towards some alternative recovery efforts, but I would argue only if you've not lost hope that recovery work comes in many different shapes and sizes.  Samson Society isn't a panacea.  It's essentially one "leading by weakness" man's (Mr. Nate Larkin) authorship of a tome that inspired an extremely horizontal, diversely approachable parachurch ministry that for many men is ONLY THE STARTING POINT.

God bless you, my friend, on your journey.  Sometimes hitting the wall is the very best move you can make.  

Don't forget to write.  

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Life & Other Thoughts - JR Everhart

I have recently lost several people in my small circle of friends.  Some my own age, which always forces me to look at my own mortality.  Considering that, I’m still not 100% done grieving the loss of both my parents in 2018, and I doubt ever will be.  But, my outlook is that death is a part of life in this world as much as living is, though death and dying do make me stop and evaluate what’s important within my life. 

I realize now that I've spent too much time worrying about making money and, in turn, attempting to care for the people in my life that I love and cherish.  Presently, I find myself spending a lot of time in deep thoughts of regret from mistakes of my past (even whilst considering a decade of recovery counseling resulting in life changing healing and restoration within my world).  As I've written about prior, I continue to fight shame and guilt.  To top that off, I ruminate on my current state of loneliness as a middle-aged man.  It's an unavoidable fact that middle-aged loneliness is a growing national epidemic for both men and women. 

Our modern world of online “community” has isolated us in ways that have never been experienced before in human history.  Today, so many receive their personal validation via how many likes they get or how many people wish them a Happy Birthday on via social media.  We’ve attached a falsified acceptance and self-worth to these things, all of which are built on shallow acts of admiration that blow around social media like the wind.  I find that there's is no real validation in these things. 

There has to be more to our lives!  We need connection and face-to-face interaction with people.  I used to work with a guy, years ago, that would stop everything to spend time a few moments with you.  He was very intentional about this.  I recall him stating that life is too short and subsequently, how important it was to take a minute and enjoy the company of others.  Looking personally, I'm the first to admit to wasting a ton of my life lost in toxic self-talk and climbing ladders that lead to nowhere.  I tell myself all the time that I need to get up and get moving.  That in itself, shakes off the ropes of dysfunction and bondage.  God created us to be in constant motion, and when we are, our mood automatically elevates.  I'm of the opinion that forward motion can be measured via the amount of love one has for themselves.  

As such, all this movement should make us cognizant of grace within our lives.   Life is too short to live any other way!