Permissible Decoupling - Samson Summit 2025

When I was a college student (Mississippi State University architecture school), at least once a year, our class of +/-45 would take a prescribed trip to an urban center for "building studies outside of (small town) Starkville, MS".  During my sophomore year, we trekked via Greyhound bus to Chicago!  The year was 1992.  And the trip, overall, was a blast (never had this Mississippi boy ever ventured to the Midwest much less to The Windy City).

As such, early one fall morning, I found myself begrudgingly taking my (what felt like reserved) seat on that MSU stagecoach next to none other than fellow student, Greeco Johnson.  Greeco was a first-rate crowd snark.  As such, he was only truly tolerable (to anyone) in very small bites.  Hence, sitting stationary beside for 12+ hours wasn't going to be easy much less fun.  

Now, it's important to know that I agreed to sit adjacent to Greeco partially because I felt considerably friendless and stuck.  And Greeco must have known of this in light of him taking advantage.  

When we finally made it to the Windy City, (3-4 hours behind schedule) I was absolutely exhausted (mostly via my bleeding ears).  For Greeco's unfiltered starkness was on full display with no descent in sight.

And the very next day (officially beginning our tour), I found myself once again - expectantly, demandingly - situated (entangled) beside Greeco.  

Until I chose not to be due to the availability of a relational escape hatch.   

Now, before I go any further, please realize that Greeco was intelligent and articulate and exceedingly put together, but his primary focus 100% of the time was himself (especially within a group setting).  His thoughts, his feelings - full throttle.  And again, that was okay to tolerate in short bursts, but only in short bursts. 

I liken(ed) Greeco to a grown ass man toddler.

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At some point after the '23 Samson Summit in Texas, I reached out to Greeco 2.0 (Samson brother) and asked if he'd be interested in rooming together at the '24 Summit (scheduled to be held within the Carolinas).  He agreed and I was grateful to be finally "out of the bunkhouse".  Greeco 2.0 also lives within the Deep South and as such, I took it upon myself to drop by and visit (in advance of the '24 Summit) in order to meet his sweet wife / experience their abode.  These were good times.  As expected, their modest home was orderly and neat and they were exceedingly hospitable.

IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW THAT GREECO 2.0 WASN'T ACTUALLY GREECO 2.0 (TO ROB) AT THIS TIME.  Back then, he was simply another Samson brother.

And the '24 Summit went well, but I began to notice how snarky my roommate could be but especially so whilst retreating.  Amplified snarkiness?  

Here's a quick aside that I believe is worth mentioning:  There's night & day difference between the average college student vs. Samson brother outlook.  One is self-serving while the other (should be) other-serving.  Hence, snarkiness wouldn't at all be out of place within the former.  Therein lies the strangest paradox baked into Greeco 2.0.

So, what do I mean by snarky?

Having a rudely critical tone or manner 100% of the time.  Thoughtlessly behaving / speaking.  Senselessly irritating.  Gruff.  Anti-social yet never not present (front & center).  In conclusion = hard to be around for extended periods of time.  

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Chris Bruno ('25 Samson Summit keynote speaker) made the comment early on in his talk(s) about all of us attendees subconsciously "dick measuring" against each other.  He was referring to the process men instinctively go through whilst gathering amongst fresh masculine faces.  Essentially, it consists of silently ranking one another, and it's completely normal. 

As I believe I've shared prior, "dick measuring" isn't something that I've been a part of as a grown ass man.  Though that's ever so slightly beginning to change.

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In the distant past, trusted, heartfelt friends really didn't come easy for me, but today, that's changed, and it's all the result of both me maturing forward physically, emotionally, relationally alongside a culture that's become far less averse to men like me (effeminate, metrosexual, distinctly non-machismo) - at least outside the confines of Mississippi.

If my 53-year-old self could go back in time and speak into the life of my then 17-year-old self, letting him know of how much better served by community he'd be - down the road of his life, he'd have such the difficult time believing the older version of me.  

Chris Bruno touched on becoming a sage as an older man, and that genuinely piqued my interest!  

So, what's a sage?  Here's my own definition:  

Firstly, he's someone who's immovable in his convictions.  As such, completely immune to interpersonal / underhanded attacks (they can certainly occur but they're ultimately fruitless attempts to undermine) due to the solidarity of his (lived / walked out) beliefs.  

Secondly, he's been blessed with an undeniable relational portfolio.  Mostly this is familial but too, it cannot be denied that it's also platonic.  That portfolio is built on steadfastness and trust and its returns have been / continue to be staggering.  

Thirdly, he listens moreso than he speaks.  Therefore, he sees this mundane life for what it truly is - temporary.

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At this year's Samson Summit, I befriended a (by every definition of the phrase) Big Man on Campus.  And it wasn't like I even really pursued this guy.  Instead, he simply fell into my lap for lack of a better phrase.  And yes, he became my quite timely relational escape hatch (pertaining to Greeco 2.0).  

And sure, we were at the other-serving Samson Summit.  And he and I both attended the leadership initiative (a day in advance of the retreat itself).  

And I've spoken to him once since the Summit, even going so far as to let him know that I'm hopeful to be rooming with him next year.

Now, let me address what I mentioned earlier in this post.  The cultural shift.

Samson Society is certainly a microcosm of our greater western culture, and therein, that culture has shifted towards a much more relaxed / less polarized outlook regarding homosexual thoughts / feelings.  But, within Samson Society, it's almost presently understood to be representative of a complete dismantling of labels / identities.  As if sexual sin - no matter the specific content - is simply that:  sexual sin.

But I believe it was the sageness aspect, that truly sealed the deal for Rob pertaining to this friendship.     

Big Man on Campus is very, very attractive to me but unlike in years past, not in unequal measure to my own love and respect for myself.  This is big shift.  In other words, I see no need to elevate him above myself even by one millimeter.

It's me finally connecting to the man I always dreamed of becoming via the fragrance of internal peace I can't help but now emanate due to the work I've chosen to do.   

Samson Society provided the setting for me to see this through.  Specifically, it was this milestone that made this year's Summit so memorable. 

Lagniappe  

2025 Samson Summit - Virtual Experience

Can’t make it to Glorieta? No problem — the Samson Summit Virtual Experience brings the heart of the weekend straight to you. Join Chris Bruno’s powerful main sessions live via Zoom as he invites men into deeper integrity, brotherhood, and healing. You will also have the opportunity to participate in small group discussions with other virtual attendees during the triad sessions to further process and integrate the teachings. Then kick back and laugh along with Ron Pearson’s comedy show streamed directly from the Summit stage Saturday evening because growth and joy belong together. Finally, end our time together on Sunday morning with a time of teaching, communion, and the annual update on Samson. Schedule of Events Please note: All times denoted below are in Mountain Time. Friday, November 6 7:30 – 8:15 PM Chris Bruno Session #1 8:30 – 9:30 PM TRIAD 1 Saturday, November 7 8:55 – 9:45 AM Chris Bruno Session #2 9:45 – 10:30 AM TRIAD 2 10:45 – 11:30 AM Chris Bruno Session #3 11:30 – 12:00 PM TRIAD 3 12:00 – 4:30 PM Afternoon Break 4:30 – 5:15 PM Chris Bruno Session #4 5:15 – 6:15 PM TRIAD 4 6:30 – 7:15 PM Dinner Break 7:15 – 8:30 PM Ron Pearson (Comedian) Sunday, November 8 9:00 – 10:15 AM Gospel Time with Communion & Liturgy 10:15 – 11:45 AM Samson Update Whether you’re tuning in solo or gathering a few brothers in your living room, the virtual experience lets you be part of the movement — no travel required, just a good Wi-Fi connection and an open heart. Come as you are. Connect. Reflect. Laugh. Heal. All from wherever you call home. Learn More

It's Not Too Late To Join Us In Person! If you prefer to join us in person at Glorieta Adventure Camp, there's still time to register. Registration remains open until midnight (Pacific Time) this Thursday, October 23. Save your spot before it's too late! Register

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Yikes!  

I had lunch recently with an old recovery friend.  I'd run into him during Q4 of '24 and promised to follow up in January of this year.  Of all the men I've known who've truly dedicated themselves to recovery work, he's - by far - the one who's spent the most $$$ therein.  

Therapists, workshops, parachurch men's ministries, monetary gifts, gifts and more gifts.

And his story is nothing like mine (nor yours).  Therefore, I have complete respect for his monetary choices regarding his personal recovery.

That being said, he also has very, very deep pockets combined with a truly giving spirit.  All in all, I'm very fortunate to be his friend, but frankly I can't imagine spending the kind of $$$ he has on recovery efforts.

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The primary reason the talons of gay porn sunk themselves so deeply into my psyche all those years ago (when the Internet first came on the scene) was due to ease of access (it was practically free).  

From there, I was on my way down the rabbit hole, wasting countless hours of my life, with eyes wide open.  But it's important to note that had there been a "per image fee", you would have NEVER found me online with my credit card in tow.  

Hell no.

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Immediately following my '13 job loss, I met with a local therapist who - almost immediately - handed me a pamphlet detailing Bethesda workshops in TN.  From there, he stated, "You need to sign up straight away (no pun intended) for the next available weekend workshop".  I recall feeling so misunderstood by him for he'd not taken the time to get to know me and my story.

These world renown workshops cost thousands of dollars.  I was already having to pay him hundreds of dollars for each therapy session, and this was money I didn't have to spend as well.

It made me feel tremendously used and unserved by the Christian community.  Yet, I had no idea where else to turn for genuine help.  It didn't take me long to stop honoring my appointments with him.  

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As I've been engaged within the Samson Society virtual community, I've noticed that numerous Samson guys have leveraged their recovery work in the form of becoming certified recovery "coaches", etc. as a means to begin drawing an income from their past travails / regrets.

If you take a close look at Mr. Nate Larkin, Samson Society founder, you'll note that his intent was to create a community of men who could find needed support sans paying a fee.  Nor did he pivot his vocation towards becoming a paid speaker or recovery advocate who might encourage (paid) membership into his recovery club.

I so admire him for taking this approach.  To me, it's a clear reflection of his faith combined with an understanding / comprehension of the immeasurably large problem online porn is for so many men.

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I recognize that venues cost $$$, and that many guys love the notion of a recovery vacation of sorts.  Especially as they find themselves well along within their individual recovery journey.  

What's important to realize though is that for some of us, participating within Samson Society (meetings / following The Path) was (& continues to be) plenty sufficient.  And as such, eventually, we begin / began giving back monetarily to provide support to a ministry that's ready and willing to meet newbies exactly where they're at (just as we once were met).  

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Back in '23, I left the Samson Summit (10th anniversary gathering!) a wee bit early.  As I was waiting for my ride outside the TX venue, I couldn't help but notice one of the workshop leaders climb into his brand-new top-of-the-line Ford F-150 truck.  For he'd just gathered up his belongings (stowed inside the extended cab) and was gearing up to depart.  

Frankly I was a bit shocked that a therapist would be driving such a costly vehicle.  And I suppose it could have been a rental, but he was only traveling back to Mississippi as I was, therefore I doubted that.

Internet porn is practically free of charge.  Strong, reliable BASELINE recovery resources should be the same.  Many of us simply aren't willing or able to fork over sizable amounts of $$$ in order to access helpful resources.  In turn, tenured Samson guys should be giving $$$ back on a regular basis.  

Giving back (time & $$$) is good for the soul.

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Captivated By Masculinity (+ Baritone Voices)

Tuesday, (11/26) my youngest daughter and I screened "Gladiator II" at our local cinema.  Interestingly enough, "Gladiator I" was released in 2000 when I was 28 years old.  Back then, I was absolutely captivated by masculinity.  To the point that seeing a film that so celebrated it (as "Gladiator I" did) would have only sent me deeper into private despairing.  For masculinity (as I perceived it) had enough gravitational pull to consistently hijack my thoughts, causing me to ruminate / obsess in such a way that could easily be described as cerebral / emotional bondage.  As such, particular as a newlywed, I felt the only means of escape was to avoid entertainment firstly that celebrated it (as "Gladiator I" so successfully / ostentatiously did).

To summarize, the BIG, seemingly unsolvable problem I faced in 2000 was LACK OF TRUST in the masculine, and all of that pointed primarily back to my laughably insecure, longstanding kinship with my father.

Now, hear me here.  I didn't type FEAR.  No.  There was no FEAR of the masculine as if it was going to harm / ridicule me.  Instead, it was a distinct LACK OF TRUST.  Obviously, there's a monumental difference between LACK OF TRUST and FEAR.  The former leaves you ISOLATED (left to fend for oneself singularly) as a man whereas the latter incites a myriad of reactionary negative emotions (dread, torment, fatalism) that are directly tied to the "what if?".  

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Now, let's focus on ISOLATION as a result of my LACK OF TRUST and how these two things perpetuated my same-sex attraction. 

Firstly though, I have never felt as if I should be female.  Being male was who I felt securely established to be and, as a result, 100% at peace with.  It was my perception of masculinity (based on my life's narrative) that I failed to comfortably embrace / lean into.  Considering that statement, let me reiterate that I also didn't feel feminine, nor did I wish to be feminine, though I did have a healthy trust in the feminine. Therefore, I absolutely was settled into my understanding of the masculine, yet my hurdle therein was managing the LACK OF TRUST in the concept itself as well as the relinquishing of / backing away from the perceived SAFETY I'd achieved via my longstanding (coping mechanism) ISOLATION.   

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The second Samson weekend intensive I attended was during the spring of 2016.  Our group of +/-20 Jackson Metro Samson guys traveled to beautiful Highlands, NC, staying in a multi-million-dollar vacation property (nestled inside an exclusive golf course development) owned by one of my fellow perverts' parents.

During our off ramping from a full day of whitewater rafting, every last one of us made a beeline to the men's changing room / bathroom.  For it had been a chilly day to be on the river, therefore wetsuits were required.  Once I made my way inside, our fearless leader (meeting facilitator) announced the presence of a same-sex attracted man (Rob) within their hetero-majority.  I remember everyone silently agreeing with me that what had been decreed was very unnecessary / over the top, and as such, it made me realize just how protected (& loved) I truly was within that Motley Crue (it's important to note that our facilitator was known for insensitive remarks). 

To take that a step further, this was the first time I'd experienced being silently buttressed and therefore affirmed via other men.  Straight men.  Masculine men.  All of which were crammed, as I was, within a too small changing / shower room after a fun-filled day in beautiful Appalachia (think Mirror Universe Deliverance).     

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During that same intensive weekend, I had the good fortune of rooming with Silas 1.0.  The space we bunked within was a sizable "bonus room" (situated above the carport) within this multi-story vacation home.  As such, since it was stationed somewhat by itself, there was a sense of privacy / secrecy that few, if any, of our Samson bunkmates experienced.  Specifically, Silas 1.0 slept on a sleeper sofa while I slept on an air mattress.  Though we only spent time alone together within that space to mostly sleep, it still delivered a deep sense of exclusivity within me.  For Silas 1.0 knew my issues with same-sex attraction.  He also knew (& had heard ad nauseum) of my termination from DSU three years prior (& therefore was privy to my pain).  At the time, the level of interest this man exhibited in spending time with me was almost too much for me to believe.  And though this intense platonic attraction naturally waned over time, this sweet season served me well in regard to me choosing to make a conscious effort to TRUST the masculine as I'd never done prior.  

This Samson friendship was one of the firsts that truly gave me credence to begin to TRUST the masculine.

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As an aside, masculinity for me is most effectively presented by men who are also blessed with a baritone speaking voice.  "Gladiator I" served to rocket Mr. Russell Crowe to instant stardom.  In many ways, as the heir apparent of the then well-established Aussie crown (from the original baritone, Mr. Mel Gibson).  

Crowe's voice is deeply masculine, sounding absolutely delicious whilst recorded.  

"Gladiator II"'s protagonist is played by Irish actor, Mr. Paul Mescal.  Arguably, his voice is as deep as Mr. Mel Gibson's has ever been, making it equally delicious to listen to.  

Why is this important to identify?

Baritone voices are intimidating.  They're more animalistic.  Threatening.  And this is mostly due to how they carry combined with how powerfully distinct they are.  

I have an uncle whose voice is beautifully baritone.  As a relative, he's unpredictable and threatening (he's a drug addict, thief and compulsive liar).  Yet, even today at the age of almost 75, his presence / the thought of his presence is just as intimidating as ever. Of all the men I've personally known throughout my life, he represents a masculinity that's the absolute most threatening.   

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As our "early arrival '24 Samson Summit entourage" was finishing up our "meet & eat" late lunch at some nondescript Fayetteville, NC BBQ joint a few weeks back, I was singled out by one of the most resolutely masculine men I know in Samson Society.  As such, he asked me specifically to ride with him (within his newly purchased X3) out to Camp Dixie.  We chatted throughout our 20-minute journey as the cloudy, rainy setting whizzed by.  He'd been en route from middle TN for well over six hours (earlier that day), having endured no less precipitation throughout.  Hence, the gloriously anticipated drive had left him with a lot to be desired.  

Therefore, again, he asked me to join him for the last, very short leg of his trip.  Me?!?

This man is a few years older than I am, and as such, is 100% at peace with himself.  I know segments of his story, but like myself, he's reached a point where it's the present and future that he's most interested in focusing on. 

Initially, when I first met this man (2017), I feared him.  Not anymore.  Especially after his personal invitation to transport me to Camp Dixie.  What a blessing that was.  It served as the cake beneath the icing. 

I came away feeling absolutely his equal.  And that, my friend, I never, ever saw coming.

Under The Tutelage Of The Shaman / Successfully Lobbying The Body Politic

Back in 2011, on All Hallow's Eve, I experienced a pivotal moment in my recovery.  It was all thanks to my first "Silas" (back then, neither of us were privy to this term) and his strong desire to screen (together) the Gay Cowboy Movie (I was Switzerland regarding).  

He would be home alone (his wife & three small children had traveled to her parents in Mobile to spend Halloween with them), therefore we knew we'd have their modest Rankin County abode to ourselves.  Therefore, I stopped by Mellow Mushroom restaurant in Flowood on my way there and purchased a large cheese pizza.  He and I enjoyed that saturated fat immensely as we emotionally geared up to watch that polarizing 2005 film.

Throughout the +/-90 minutes of screentime, we sat leg-to-leg on their secondhand couch, viewing the TV at 45 degrees.  As such, experiencing that much close physical contact felt so reassuring and positive that it perfectly queued me up for what excitedly / very bravely came next (& just so you know, I found the film to be hopelessly depressing & unbelievable).

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Andrew Bauman is a shaman moreso than anything else.  At least, that was my takeaway from last weekend's 2024 Samson Summit.  As such, he's just as much holistically practical as prescribed / clinical.  It was so refreshing to experience in light of the standardized recovery story combined with slide deck pointers regarding "how you too might find hope / healing" therapeutically (via talk / group therapy).  

The last of his sessions that I was present for involved two hours of "sensory" training, and all of this educating took place via hands-on, one-on-one engagement between random male strangers (us '24 Samson Summit guys).  I absolutely loved it, and mostly due to how it confirmed - for me - the paradigm-shifting nature of pushing through visual barriers (to focus on the other senses) alongside men you can trust in order to properly know / experience life with a more mature / adult outlook.

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Touch can absolutely inform.  Circling back to my first Silas' leg (I believe we were both wearing jeans that night) as we screened the Gay Cowboy film, we then went further still (& believe it or not, there was no alcohol involved) at the overrated homodrama's conclusion.

Having asked him to remove his shirt*, I informed my Silas that I was going to touch him for a few minutes.  From there, I sat down next to him and did something I'd never done before (nor since).  

After I'd very intentionally examined his flesh (upright postured front facing torso) with my nervous fingertips, I stood up and reseated myself on the opposite side of the cozy living room.  We then both looked at each other in silence for a few long moments.  

I remember him smiling and asking if he could put his shirt back on (he was such the patient gentleman).  I replied assuredly with a "yes".  

Immediately following, we didn't discuss what had occurred, yet we both knew it was a game-changer for me, if not both of us.

*This was by no means the first time I'd seen him shirtless.  He and I had been running together (both of us shirtless) throughout the summer & on into that fall, almost always in the evening, either at or very near dusk.

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I have to admit that I'd kissed this man once (months prior to this tactile examination of his muscular, hairy chest and trunk) and ended up following that up with one additional peck early in '12 (the night he was fired from our church).  Were these kisses passionate?  No.  They were holy kisses involving no tongue and minimal lip-to-lip contact.

I admit to that here because again, we're focusing on appropriate, Christ-honoring sensory experiences outside of sight.

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Andrew Bauman's unconventional educational session last Saturday, (11/16) evening at Camp Dixie confirmed, whilst reminding / corroborating for me, how powerfully complementary unconventional sensory experiences can be, taking the right (safe) environment / participants into consideration.

For as I've disclosed here, I had found personally that touch, with the safest man I knew - at the time - back in 2011 - powerfully / effectively / properly scaled my brain's understanding of physical masculinity (which I'd idolized in the form of the muscular, hairy male ever since adolescence).  And it did so in such a way that wasn't crude / insulting or involving deviant / sinful behavior (it amounted to the antithesis of seduction).  

Today, I'm very intentional about touch.  Especially with masculine men that I feel safe with.  I doubt I'll ever feel the need to attempt to reenact this once-in-a-lifetime examination due to the fire hose of seeing that poured into my synapses on that special Halloween night 13 years ago.  Thanks be to God for my first Silas and his courage to be vulnerable / trusting of curious Rob.  It pointed me towards a Path of freedom long before I actually stepped into a Samson Society meeting.