Dreaming about my past work as an architect (intern & eventually licensed pro) between '96 and '06 (private sector job) happens often. And these dreams are so vivid that whilst waking up, I'm so very relieved to no longer bear the burdens I once did (though I really do enjoy the heady emotions brought on by the fantastical revisit).
At that time ('96-'06), I was (almost) fresh out of college, and having never met an architect that I truly wished to emulate / look up to (high school / college experience or otherwise), I gravitated towards the man who hired me for such a time as that.
He was a decade my senior, though due to our collective youth, still quite young (especially to be a partner within a firm).
We hit it off immediately, and working under him was a joy. Not to mention the projects he assigned me to design were challenging and fulfilling to work on.
Eventually though, I grew frustrated with my boss. Especially as it pertained to who he'd chosen to align himself with (pro relations / spouse). This mounting bad taste in my mouth only soured further as I couldn't help but observe his personal modus operandi closely (due to proximity).
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My best friend from college also worked at this firm. In fact, he'd been there just one month prior to Rob coming onboard. This man was a weird one (what architect isn't?) but overall, no weirder than the colleagues he was now sharing an (branch) office with (I worked in the much larger, main office). Nonetheless, the original branch office clan of three (two minions and one partner who were there prior to my best friend and I being hired) refused to give much of any respect to my friend. In essence, he was being singled out and mistreated.
As a result, my friend threw in the towel, doing so once he reached a point of no return. This occurred around '00 (both of us hadn't been licensed as architects too long).
I remember going to my aforementioned architect boss, there in our main office, on behalf of my friend's situational plight (well in advance of his sudden resignation), only to receive a very glib response. This infuriated me. For I knew my friend well enough to know that he'd not be able to continue within such a toxic work environment for much longer.
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I spent many a shared meal with my best friend from college (primarily during our time together in architecture school). He was also the best man in my wedding (much to my father's chagrin). During our fourth year at MSU, we'd also lived together amiably in Evans Hall. As a result of all this, our mutual respect for each other was unwavering.
My friend had been reared in a complicated home, and his adolescent years had been especially tough, but man, he was a hard worker with a very sharp mind.
On the other hand, he was weird. Now, if you were to engage with him today (25 years into the future), almost every facet of that weirdness is no more. But back then, it was a defining attribute, resonating clearly in regard to how he carried himself.
Honestly, at first, I pitied him. That was the initial centerpiece of why I served him as a friend. And when you choose to ever support someone you truly pity (even if for a season), via a longstanding relationship, it's hard to resist defending them reflexively.
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I feel compelled to remind you that I'm a same-sex attracted man, therefore there's a really good chance that you're not in the same boat that I am. Hence, this likely won't be, going forward, commentary you can relate to.
When I warm up to (platonic) hetero men, I put that much more emphasis on the following question: "Can I TRULY respect this guy?"
Why?
I'm convinced it's a result of mirroring.
In other words, I MUST FEEL CONFIDENT IN POTENTIALLY RECEIVING what I'm setting myself up to divvy out in kind. And for so many men, especially when they get to know Rob, this is not easy to deliver on. Nonetheless, when it does occur, I have absolutely no issue following suit.
Also, especially when I was a younger man, I was absolutely convinced that obtaining a mentor, who by definition would follow suit with this reciprocal respect, was of paramount importance / significance.
In closing, there're only two men who I can call friend today who've equally (cross pollination) respected Rob, and one of these is my oldest, aforementioned (college) friend. And yes, I'm pleased to say that he's still architecting (public realm).
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The takeaway: Because of my boss' refusal to advocate on behalf of my friend, there at his architecture firm, I subconsciously began to emotionally decouple from the profession as a whole. For as I stated earlier, he had represented, in the flesh, what I might achieve as my end goal.
Because this internal decoupling was happening of its own accord, when I resigned from his architecture firm in '06, I felt a myriad of disregulated (very confused) emotions. Hence, during my "private sector retirement reception" (I had chosen to move into the public sector immediately following), I was speechless throughout the event. This was beyond awkward for everyone in attendance.
Lastly, I believe these as of late monthly dreamscapes of architecting past are my mind's attempt to make sense ofl that dysregulation. For I'd put a tremendous amount of hope (& pressure) in the professional relationship I had with that mentor architect. In essence, I wanted him to demonstrate what I was very, very compelled to instinctively reciprocate. When that didn't pan out, I became tremendously conflicted internally in light of what he'd come to represent. So many years of disillusionment followed. Disillusionment that I had to fight hard against constantly. Also, I see now that my chronic consumption of Internet porn at work was exacerbated via this disillusionment.
His choice to not advocate on behalf of my closest friend slowly set in motion a new vocational path forward for Rob. A path that had nothing to do with the ideal he represented.
That's a sobering reality.
