Identify / Identity Through Observational Contrasts. Embracing / Celebrating God-Given Opportunities For Discernment Regarding Who You Truly Are.

There were so many positive attributes to working for the state of MS ('06-'12) as a Staff Architect, but one of my favorites was the opportunity to befriend / work with architects / engineers, that I'd never met prior, from all over the Magnolia State.  And I'll say it again:  All architects are very unique (before getting into specifics).

One local (Jackson Metro) architect I worked alongside on many a bond-monies funded project was +/-15 years my senior.  This elder statesmanish, laid-back sole proprietor worked from home and had recently passed the finish line pertaining to rearing his two (then young adult) children (they were more or less up and out).

This man was a closed book personally.  In other words, all business all the time.  As such, we talked a whole lotta shop.  But, because of my influential position (owner's representative), he couldn't comfortably shun my interpersonal inquisitiveness.

Therefore, I'd make calculated moves in order to query him regarding his faith, career path, upbringing.  And eventually, he even warmed up to me enough to make some (religious) book recommendations (he was one of the first Reformed Christians I've ever had the privilege to meet - in person).

And I'm so glad I took these platonic risks.  For this was one unique dude.  And so, so very sharp.

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One of the most interesting aspects of his story had to do with his own unique relationship with his faith / the "outside world".

I vividly recall him admitting to walking into a professional partnership eyes closed (very early on in his career), only to soon realize his untimely vocational mistake.  Nevertheless, he'd no easy way to walk back from this now mixed-morality marriage (his words), therefore he stayed put (in South MS, no less) 'till a clear exit path presented itself.  

His children were small during this season, and his wife, the ever-subservient homemaker.  Hence, he no doubt was in that 360-degrees-of-pressure-cooker stage of adulthood.  

All-in-all, I quickly got the sense that they'd chosen to readily own the part of the dutifully suffering, faithfully clandestine pariahs, ever determined to survive this ordeal resolute.    

As you probably already guessed, this architect was deeply religious, and prior to him packing up his young clan and moving to Hattiesburg for this shareholder role, they'd been faithful churchgoers (I'm willing to bet a dollar he was likely a young deacon / elder) within the Jackson Metro. 

Now here's where his story truly becomes insightful as to his identity.

Instead of this young family becoming a member of a local "Hub City" church (immediately following their move), they chose instead to super commute to the Jackson Metro very early each subsequent Sunday morning in order to attend (their) church - as they'd done prior to relocating.  From there, post morning church services, the children would nap on the church pews (after eating a packed lunch) in order to be "fully refreshed" for the evening church service / activities.  When that had concluded, this architect would pack up his clan and return forlornly to Hattiesburg (90 minutes by car).  

And this went on for years.

I can remember how earnest he was as he revealed this to me, and it was obvious he had no regrets therein.  I was left speechless.

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Covenant Eyes has been a lifesaver for Rob.  It's been my digital training pants for a decade now.  

When I consume gay porn, I gravitate to a laptop / desktop PC (I don't have access to a tablet PC).  On the other hand (thankfully), my pocket computer, due to its small scale, simply isn't equivalent.

Covenant Eyes, as a smartphone app, was very recently replaced by their "Victory" app, yet I haven't downloaded this successor program.

Why?

Because of what I admitted to earlier.  My pocket computer is moreso an email management, Slack, weather app, telephone, text messaging device.

And I knew this day was coming.  For as of yesterday, (9/28) my smartphone is unmonitored by CE due to this software phase out / upgrade.

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I'm very fortunate to be able to say that in spite of the countless hours of consuming gay porn, I've never had the urge to imitate / engage in what I was seeing.  Hence, Angie (my wife) is the only individual I've been sexual with.  Ever.  

And even today, with Angie's disabled, broken body as my helpmeet, I still consider the notion of engaging sexually with another man as not of interest in the least.  Conversely, my love for my physically broken wife continues to deepen.  

What this tells me is the following (& I clearly heard this commentary last night post consuming gay porn on my now "unlocked" pocket computer):  There's a huge difference in consuming porn and engaging in homosexual practices.  To be a bit more granular, if I were to encounter the gay porn models who're engaging with each other sexually, I have no doubt that I'd back away heavy hearted.  Not because of me finding myself between a rock and a hard place (sexual identity vs faith in Christ), but due to the abject brokenness / dead end that's there on full display.

Can I daresay that Jesus has clearly reminded (tempered?) me, as of late, that my appetite isn't for homosex between me and some hot guy(s).  Not at all.  And this truth has been amplified / concretized via my - now (thankfully) quite sporadic - consumption of gay porn.  

And not because I've "had my fill" (believe me, I'll never have my fill of gay porn).  No.  Instead, it's due to the very explicit www education I've been given.  One that's allowed me to come to grips with / rigorously adjudicate a practice that's now wholly celebrated / normalized throughout the entire western world.

Can I say wholeheartedly - Thanks be to God for my exposure to / struggle with gay porn?!?  Not only in line with growing my faith but with growing my understanding of myself?

I'm ruminating on these interrogative sentences even as I type this.

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When our two oldest daughters were preschool / toddlers, Angie and I warmed up to the notion of homeschooling.  Especially considering how smart my wife is / her love for our children.  And we jumped headfirst into this even though we had access to great traditional school choices (both public and private) near our home.

As such, when our oldest daughter aged into kindergarten, Angie homeschooled her.  And it went superbly.

But when we attended the homeschool co-op kindergarten graduation ceremony with our 6-year-old in tow, I was immediately struck by the air of entitlement / tremendous lack of diversity (keep in mind this was 2009).  Therefore, by the end of the ceremony, I was equal parts nauseated and livid.  For it simply felt way too much like a white bread Christian fringe group. 

As we were walking across the parking lot upon exiting the church annex, I made it very clear that there'd be no further homeschooling going forward.  From there, I asked Angie to reach out to our assigned public elementary school in order to schedule an audience with the principal (regarding 1st grade).  She did so begrudgingly, but man oh man, God used that meeting to clearly demarcate the educational path forward for our girls. 

Homeschooling, upon our research, looked so appealing.  Noble even.  But once we engaged, we quickly realized the mistake we'd made (for our particular family / identity).

(BTW, if I remember correctly, the aforementioned elder statesmen architect homeschooled their children.)

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I've taken Safari and banished it from my lower level "convenient apps" zone on my pocket computer.  My hope for this week is to simply not browse - at all - on that Internet capable device.  

Can I not piss in the bed sans training pants?  We'll see. 

Here's hoping I can hang tightly to my true identity whilst being tempted.  

I'm not sure what takes longer - finding / accepting one's true identity or recovery in general.  Molasses flow.

Fall 2024!

Throughout Q1 (& the majority of Q2) of this year, I rarely spent time with my wife (other than us intentionally working out together at the Y).  She unexpectedly landed two new, very hands-on clients right at the beginning of '24, therefore integrating them into her workflow (alongside the typical demands of Q1 pertaining to her existing client base) kept her very, very busy.  

This summer has been all about travel.  And not vacation travel but travel related to work / children's commitments.  

On top of that has been the ongoing demands from my business coupled with drama from both my mother (who I work alongside) and Angie's mom (as it pertains to long-term care for both my mom's mom and my mother-in-law).

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The presence / reliability of my new best friend has been such a gift throughout what's been (so far) of 2024.  The highlight was his birthday.  I was able to gift him something that was very masculine and very personal.  It wasn't a difficult gift to come up with but seeing him receive it as he did was so worth it.  Also, that was the first time we hugged which meant a lot to me.

Second to this special moment in time was our kayaking trip immediately prior to Memorial Day weekend. He took his two daughters, and I took my youngest.  The weather was perfect.  Spending the day shirtless on the river, boating and swimming, was such the gift of memory-making.  

What's unique about this friendship is the fact that he's not in any way involved in Samson Society nor does he have a need to be.  Instead, the relationship is essentially built upon mutual respect and platonic love that's grown out of serendipity / providence (we met at Lakeside Pres) more than anything else.  

In line with this uniqueness is his reliability as a communicator.  He's consistently asking me about my weekend / week.  And his interest is genuine.  And though he's not a skilled writer, he does his best to muddle through the constraints of text messaging.

In a few weeks, he'll be starting a new job that'll require a lot of travel throughout the remainder of '24.  I'm very pleased to see this vocational upgrade come to fruition, but I am going to miss lunching / seeing him at church.  But absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Plus, I know how to love from afar.  If Samson Society has taught me anything, it's taught me how to do that.

A huge part of our love for each other has to do with what I like to call horizontality.  

Though we have very different backgrounds / professions, we are neck-in-neck when it comes to values.  Values regarding family, physical health, spirituality, Mississippi, friendship and so forth.  In fact, I don't believe I've ever met any other Mississippi man who's as closely matched to myself.  

And finally, yes, he does (now) know of my sexual identity issues (as they pertain to my adolescent years only).  This, in line with my repeated shares related to my struggles with Internet porn (& the subsequent need for Samson Society), has provided him with enough of a picture of Rob to suffice.

What's cool is that he cannot relate to any degree (I've asked).  And he doesn't pretend to.  

Like my wife, this guy simply has a heart of gold and a halo that illuminates all around like a supernova.  

This, combined with his lumberjack / mercenary physical build / air, makes him one of a kind.  He's an absolute K-E-E-P-E-R.

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In closing, my oldest two daughters are now back in college.  School starts, for them, next week. As such, our 1,550-sf house is so much less stressful.  Plus, Angie and I can now go back to our sleep divorce setup which we both absolutely love.  

"Transparent Training Union" on Sunday afternoons at 5 PM CST is going great.  The most interesting part of facilitating that virtual meeting is the realization of how unreliable so many virtual meeting facilitators are.  I'm plugged into a Slack channel for "virtual meeting hosts", and it's surprising (to me) to see the recurring abandonment of leadership roles.  And I suppose, knowing that most of these Samson guys have never engaged within an in-person Samson meeting (much less facilitated one), they simply don't realize how reckless / irresponsible their example truly is relative to the community as a whole.   

I'm of the opinion that if you choose to facilitate a Samson meeting (in-person or virtual), you need to stay the course long-term.

Perhaps this is a generational problem?  

Younger men do tend to not commit to anything for longer than they're "feeling it" (whatever that means).  This is their bane, and it will haunt them 'till they recognize their stupidity (stupid is a verb).    

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Regarding my own recovery, bizarrely, my relatively new pocket computer (hand me down from my oldest daughter) has been of great help to me as of late. Due to my core issue of self-loathing, my penchant for only seeing a void whilst looking inward has been offset tremendously via this pocket TV (it has an enormous screen).  

I despise images of myself, but there's now a season where that's beginning to change.  Never did I imagine me, in anyway shape or form, begin to make true progress in this regard.  

God is good, and I'm determined to keep pressing onward.  The grip of self-loathing feeds into feelings of isolation.  This provokes my desire to consume gay porn.  In turn, I choose to pulverize the self-loathing with truth.  Truth regarding the gloriously unique image-bearer that I truly am.  That's my recovery modus operandi.

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I'm so anticipating Fall 2024.  Thanks be to God for where I'm headed.  I trust him completely for such a time as this.  Cooler temps, slower home pace (treasured sleep!), Samson Summit in November.  Awesomeness ahead.

Facilitating A Weekly Virtual Meeting Versus An In-Person Meeting

A month or so ago, my co-facilitator of the virtual Samson Society meeting, "Brain Changers", asked that I exclusively take the reins.  It was during early '23 that I began attending that virtual meeting regularly.  Within six months or so, I'd been dubbed a "co-facilitator", much to my humbled delight.  For I found the contrast / volleying between myself and my (now former) co-facilitator to truly set "Brain Changers" apart.

Alas, it wasn't meant to last.  My co-facilitator stepped away in order to partner with a local Samson brother.  They're set to kickstart a local in-person meeting (there in the Hoosier State).

I've spent most of my 500 one-per-week Samson meetings within in-person groups.  In fact, if you look squarely at percentages, this is how the numbers fall:  

In person:  72.6%

Virtual:  27.4%

(having attended since August of '14)

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I know my former virtual co-facilitator will excel as an in-person facilitator, particularly in contrast to his role within the virtual meeting space.  Alec's physical presence will serve him (& the Lord) very well in this regard.  

So, what's the key difference / experience I've witnessed between the two roles?

I was always taken for granted within the in-person Samson Society meeting facilitator role.  As such, I hope that won't be the case for Alec.

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When I was in my early 30s, I was appointed President of our 'hood's homeowners' association board of directors.  There were two other homeowners who were similarly appointed (VP & Secretary / Treasurer).  I agreed to this because I was an architect.  What more qualified professional could there be for said position (other than perhaps an attorney)?

(Keep in mind that this was two decades ago, and as such, our 'hood was demographically much different than it is today.)

In spite of the importance of said position, I cannot tell you how absolutely taken for granted - within this particular volunteer role - I felt during this time of my young man life.  

Back in 2002, our 81 lot 'hood was made up of mostly first-time homeowners (the 'hood was, by far, mostly small spec homes).  Most of which were purchased during a period of less-than-scrupulous lending practices made manifest by lax regulation / rock-bottom interest rates.  

Needless to say, we were a motley crue living in a brand-spanking new development.  A development situated within a changing (who knew which way exactly) suburb of Jackson.

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I never once assumed my parents would continue forward with their financial / physical support post college.  My dad had made it clear that there was $$$ to pay for my higher education (inheritance from his deceased father), but beyond that, I was expected to, you know, take a permanent leave of absence post college.

It was during my last year of architecture schooling when my parents stepped up to help my deadbeat uncle in light of his addiction to illegal drugs.  Essentially, he moved in with us (I was living at home since the 5th year of architecture school resided in Jackson) for many months - post institutional treatment.  I remember all of this maneuvering feeling incredibly clinical and contrived as it pertained to the contrast between his own plight and my ready-to-launch young, professional man perch.

What I was too naive to realize was just how much of a sucker I absolutely had been.  For my uncle was only playing my parents - this time around, as he did whomever he saw fit - pertaining to his wants / needs (this has gone on ad nauseum ever since).

It was that entitlement that I simply couldn't - under any circumstances - relate to.  

Whilst looking back, there was compliant me simply being me taken for granted (& I was perfectly fine with that).

As an early 20's guy, my point of view came with that innocent (ignorant?) season of life.

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The Bible speaks - Jesus specifically addresses - of willingly turning the other cheek.  This being the position of submissiveness that is tied to meekness.  According to Scripture, its primary purpose is confounding one's enemies via Christ-like kindness.  

In line with this, perfectly in line, is one's innate understanding of salvation / transformation in and through the gospel and therefore the gospel's command towards demonstrative evangelism.  

This is not taking oneself or Jesus for granted.  This is obedience.

In a nutshell, it's commanded that we be allow ourselves to be taken for granted in order to leave plenty of room for the Holy Spirit to convict.

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In-person Samson meetings, at least around these parts, mostly reside within churchhouses.  Most of these meetings exist "under the radar" of the church membership.  Others are simply shelved (tolerated) alongside the "Celebrate Recovery" set.  The one I facilitated for four years at our church found little to no respect amongst the family of God.  And this was no fault of anyone's except the church leadership itself.  

For deep down, deep, deep down, the church leadership didn't want us there.

Why?

In-person Samson Society meetings that do their good work within the churchhouse are "unstable elements" that are rooted in very deliberate, emotional recovery work.  And church leadership knows this.  The meetings can therefore attract the mentally ill and those who're in serious personal crisis.  Folks that mainstream churches aren't typically comfortable serving.  And this is understandable.  I do not admonish nor look down on the church therein.  

Yet, the church pews, each & every Sunday, are filled with men who need Samson Society.  For I would argue that even a touch of Samson Society can benefit a man's soul.  No matter their season of life.  

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There're multiple virtual Samson Society meetings available for guys to attend each and every day.  Most follow the standard meeting format, though some aren't traditional in that regard.  There're book studies, prayer groups, large form intensive Q & A meetings to choose from.

Particularly during the summer, some of these calendared meetings unexpectedly don't happen.  For sans a facilitator to open the Zoom meeting, there won't be a meeting during that scheduled date / time.  And this leaves Samson guys out in the cold.

Therefore, when a virtual facilitator is faithful to show (or coordinate a substitute), there's a deep-seated sense of respect for that man.

Respect?

Did I really say that?

I did.

& I love it.

It's such a nice change.

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Our 'hood is completely different demographically today that it was decades prior.  Our neighbors understand and overall respect the homeowners' association / board of directors and their good / necessary work.  Too, the area where our 'hood resides is on the up & up in spite of its '70s / '80s roots.

I look back on the seven years that I served as President - at its outset - with pride.  For I know the example I set was foundational to its current success.  

And I think the same regarding my role in "Brain Changers".  For I am a better facilitator there due to my in-person Samson Society facilitator experience at Lakeside Pres.  

Thanks be to God for Samson Society and the blessings that continue to come my way, as a result, each and every day.  

What Is A Silas?

Here is what our experience tells us: You can get sober from anything going to meetings, but you can’t stay sober just going to meetings. That’s why, in the end, it isn’t even about the meetings. The meetings are a portal into the brotherhood. Samson really lives BETWEEN the meetings in relationships, conversations, friendships. Christianity, properly understood, is a team sport, not an individual event. We’ve been failing because we’ve been playing the wrong game! If we play 1-on-1 against a superior opponent, we will fail.

The lead person on your team we call a Silas. He is the one you are in regular communication with. There is an element of accountability, but it is not focused on sin management. If I just focus on the behavior, I run the risk of mastering that specific behavior and becoming a self-righteous Pharisee. Instead, I give another person (my Silas) real-time access to my whole life. What I’m feeling, thinking, doing, and thinking of doing.

My Silas is not an expert. He is a guy on the same road walking the same direction. But when it comes to my life, he has an advantage over me – he’s not in it! That gives him a perspective on my life that I don’t have. There are whole parts of my life that I can’t see because I’m inside it. Like trying to read the label from inside the bottle.

 Here are some of the things my Silas does:

- He gets to know my story.

- He remembers the things I tend to forget.

- He asks the questions I tend to avoid.

- He notices patterns I don’t see.

- He reminds me who I really am.

You are not imposing on him. He gets as much out of the relationship as you do. He needs you to call him. Everyone needs a few moments each day to get out of their own head and focus on another person.

Resources For Couples In Recovery

 Here're two resources ("check-in" / communication protocols) for couples who're in recovery together.  The SAFER Check-In is a better starting point for couples who are just starting out in recovery.  From there, FANOSS can be matured into.

“Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint.” - Sunday, April 21, 7:00AM CDT to 7:00PM CDT

Announcing the Samson Society Recovery Marathon!  The traditional 12 Steps in 12 Hours - with 12 outstanding presenters.  This will be a healthy way to connect to the old recovery saying, “Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint.”  The event is virtual and the exercise component can be anything from an actual marathon to walking around the block.

Sunday, April 21, 7:00AM CDT to 7:00PM CDT.

Check out the speakers and register at https://na01.safelinks.protection.outlook.com/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.recoverymarathon.com%2F&data=05%7C02%7C%7C91859a1d1a504495544408dc5440d585%7C84df9e7fe9f640afb435aaaaaaaaaaaa%7C1%7C0%7C638477884639566407%7CUnknown%7CTWFpbGZsb3d8eyJWIjoiMC4wLjAwMDAiLCJQIjoiV2luMzIiLCJBTiI6Ik1haWwiLCJXVCI6Mn0%3D%7C0%7C%7C%7C&sdata=bXbdsycjvZGw7FGv7IM55j2HuwTl2%2F25MCOeFudsYGQ%3D&reserved=0

The Samson Society Multiverse

When I first stepped into a Samson Society meeting in August 2014, there was only one meeting (in-person) for me to attend, and that was the Wednesday at 6 PM CST meeting at First Baptist Church Jackson (Summit Counseling suite).  That in-person meeting is still going strong.  It introduced me to a men's ministry that's changed my life for the better.  

But I didn't stay within that group.  Eventually, I migrated to the Grace Crossing Samson Society group (Gluckstadt), attending there for +/-1 year.  

The initial FBC Jackson group had a particular flavor that was quite therapeutic while the second group I attended was more relational.  Neither group was better than the other, though the contrast opened my eyes to just how different Samson groups can trend.  

From there, I started my own group (Lakeside Pres).  And, of course, mine became somewhat eclectic.  A combination of what I'd witnessed within the previous two, inaugural Jackson Metro Samson groups. 

That Lakeside Pres Samson group continued on for almost four years (2017-2021).  We met on Saturday mornings at 7 AM.  

Two in-person groups spun-off from the one I facilitated.  One in Brandon (39042) and then Pearl.  

I then dived into the virtual Samson Society groups in December of 2021.  "Make Thursdays Great Again" was unlike anything I could have imagined.  It was the Price Is Right version of a Samson Society meeting, all thanks to the electrifying facilitator, Mr. Justin Schwind.  It literally became one of the highlights of my week (Thursdays at 7 PM CST).  And it's still going strong.

After royally pissing off a newbie Samson brother who too was a regular "MTGA" attendee, I made a discreet exit (I did not want - in any way - to hinder his recovery via my continued presence).  I pivoted into "Brain Changers" which meets on Sundays at 5 PM CST.  "Brain Changers" was a familiar return to what the Lakeside Pres Samson meeting (that I facilitated) felt like, all those years earlier.  

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I hear more and more of Samson guys committing to multiple Samson meetings over the course of one week.  Many of these men attest to attending a meeting every single day.  

If you're familiar with the virtual Samson Society meetings, this commitment is doable (there are multiple meetings on the schedule for each day of the week as well as multiple types of meetings - some that allow cross talk, book studies, etc.).  

Why do this?  Why commit to attending a Samson meeting every single day?

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I believe the best answer to this question is as follows:

To directly combat compulsive sexual sin.

What does that mean exactly - compulsive sexual sin?

Compulsory:  Required, mandatory, obligatory

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When you're in bondage to compulsive sexual sin, you need solid grounding / commitment to recovery, therefore a once-a-week Samson Society meeting likely isn't going to suffice.

Let me repeat that:

When you're in bondage to compulsive sexual sin, you need solid grounding / commitment to recovery, therefore a once-a-week Samson Society meeting likely isn't going to suffice.

What's the true benefit of this approach to recovery?

It's twofold.

Firstly, during every 24 hours, you're spending one of those within a Samson Society meeting.  It serves as a recovery datum / opportunity to reset that's difficult to ignore.

Secondly, it forces you out of your own head.  Exposing you to fresh faces each day.  Faces that bring a specific color to the meeting.  Countless, unexpected hues drive away boredom, feelings of repetitiveness.  Think of it as the Samson Society multiverse.

This rigorous approach is highly effective for those who are just "too far gone".  

Think of attending a meeting a day in the same light as prioritizing an hour of exercise each day relative to being in tremendously poor physical health (& therefore on your death bed).  

It's exactly the same tenacious, turbocharged approach.  

For those of you who're in bondage to compulsive sexual sin, be encouraged to intentionally counteract this frame of mind by exploiting the availability of Samson Society meetings - to your recovery's advantage.  You will not regret the time invested / commitment therein.

BREAKTHROUGH!

 I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I DON'T TRUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  I DON'T TRUST YOU.  I'M ONLY HEARING YOU.

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I choose to trust you.  I'm not only hearing you but I'm allowing myself to feel your love for me as well.

"Rob, I'm Concerned About Our Mutual Friend. It's Obvious That He's Setting Himself Up For Failure."

I've received two telephone calls regarding this.  And YES, my old friend's recent statements / position (via hearsay) do sound concerning, but I'm not going to spend any energy researching it for myself.  

Why?

Because I've seen this pattern with him numerous times before (we've known each other for over 15 years).  

And that's the differentiator.  Had there not been a precedent(s), I would immediately speak up.  

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When I was a boy, I distinctly remember my aunt regularly calling our house late into the evening to ask my father to go retrieve her husband (my dad's oldest brother / my uncle) from the local watering hole.  These calls would often come around 11 PM or after, and the next day, I would sometimes ask my mom about it.  Eventually though, I stopped asking due to the fact that they became so routine.

This happened for a number of years until my uncle became unemployed due to health issues.  From there, he'd drink at home during the day.  I distinctly recall stopping by his duplex back in 1993 in order to drop off a paperback copy of The Firm.  For the film by the same name had just been released, and I thought he might enjoy reading it.  When he came to the door, I could smell the alcohol on him.  Within just a few minutes, he passed out there in his small living room, falling to the carpeted floor like a sack of concrete mix.  Afterwards, I made a discreet exit after leaving the paperback on the coffee table.

I never returned to his abode until I was asked to assist in relocating he and his wife out and into an apartment not far from this location (decades into the future).  

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Past personal struggles with chronic sexual sin, particularly regarding pastors, can result in men like Mr. Nate Larkin.  Men who write tomes which serve foundationally as the cornerstones of recovery ministries.  

Sometimes therapists are borne out of this.  Take Mr. Jeff Schulte of Tin Man Ministries (Jeff served as a keynote speaker at the 2019 National Samson Society Retreat).

But these are exceptions.  Mostly, men with this story should simply move into personal recovery exclusively versus attempting to pivot their pastoral "calling" towards a public-facing attempt (either for or nonprofit) to assist others with their sexual sin.  

Why?

IT TAKES A MASSIVE AMOUNT OF HUMILITY, AND I WOULD ARGUE, MOST PASTORS DON'T HAVE A TRULY HUMBLE BONE IN THEIR BODIES.  

 Hence, they simply resort to pulling a Jim Bakker.  And that's so pathetically sad.     

Let's Not Forget To Consider The Unlevel Playing Field

Adam Young was our keynote speaker during the 2023 National Samson Society Retreat.  I did not attend either of his sessions (I continued to man the registration table during Friday evening's session), but I did slip in at the tail end of the second one (Saturday morning).  During those few minutes, a Q & A session was underway within the packed auditorium, and Adam was navigating those queries with answers that landed beautifully each and every time.  Also, he was really humorous with many of his answers as he sveltely circled back to accentuate previous bullet points that were no doubt key to his talk.

During those final minutes, I felt he was summarizing much of what he'd shared earlier on.  For he was emphasizing the importance of approaching loved ones who'd done the traumatizing with the request to bequeath them (opportunistically) with how they'd actually been hurtful.  For example, if a parent had said something traumatizing in the past, Adam urged audience members to timely return to that parent before asking respectfully if they might "revisit" the lingual trauma (what they'd actually said / tone, etc.) in detail (with the ultimate hopeful outcome being to receive healing via enlightening the ignorant traumatizer and thereby granting a sincere, sympathetic acknowledgement / apology).

And then Adam brilliantly stated this (paraphrase):  "You're going to get either one of two reactions (from the traumatizer) when you attempt this.  And via those, you'll know immediately if you're dealing with an outright wicked individual or a garden-variety Christian".

What he was implying there was that wicked people react harshly / survivor's instinctively by deflecting their responsibility whilst garden-variety Christian's react (even to the smallest degree) sympathetically / towards reconciliation once they've clued into what's being asked of them and their supposed part in it.  

And that made a lot of sense except Adam missed an obvious third traumatizer category outright. And this surprised me.  But, Adam probably has never been to Mississippi.

That third category is the low intelligence traumatizer.

Therefore, let's review.

1.  Wicked traumatizer (self-centered / self-absorbed asshole)

2.  Garden-variety Christian traumatizer (genuinely caring, sympathetic / biased towards reconciliation)

3.  Low intelligence traumatizer (emotional / intellectual retard)

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A level playing field between communicators can only exist when intelligence between those involved is closely matched.  Intelligence (more or less than) drives an individual's ability to utilize / interpret all manner of language (& arguably emotion) to express themselves with accuracy (whether they're being truthful or not).  

Arguably, it's not fair to expect a low intelligence traumatizer to be able to either react firstly (to the offer from you to bequeath) nor hear secondly (that which you've said, felt, experienced) with any degree of accuracy.  And that's where the problem lies.  For if you don't take the traumatizer's intelligence into account, you're likely going to unfairly categorize them (wicked?).  When, in actuality, they're simply a dumbass. 

And, oh my goodness, there're so many dumbasses in this world of woe. 

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This unlevel (intelligence) playing field can surely manifest itself as a dumpster fire within familial relationships if individuals aren't careful.  For there's a baked-in expectation / hope that SURELY THIS WOULD NEVER BE amongst kinfolk.  But it does occur at times.  And as such, there's one of two ways to manage it.

1.  Prioritize humility relative to the asymmetry.*

2.  Begrudge your situation in order to consistently maintain / be reminded of your superiority.

*whilst giving yourself full permission to see / acknowledge the humor within the sad situation.

The first option takes an almost superChristian outlook.  An outlook, I would argue, that's only achievable via hard, hard personal work that's centered on the harsh reality of the situation.  And this work likely could take a lifetime to wrestle through, coinciding with various stages of maturation between the two parties involved (parent / child, etc.).

For no one truly wants to face up to the reality that their loved one is an imbecile.  It's just so fatalistic to consider.  It's a tough, tough reality for those who're living it.  For most who've endured close-knit relational trauma would gladly take a wicked perpetrator over a dunce.  For there's simply so little hope for reconciliation / proper acknowledgement via the latter.

Embrace The Idea Of Pivoting. Don't Limit Your Recovery To Only Samson Society.

 

Many of you have hit a wall within your recovery.  Attending Samson Society meetings and engaging with your Silas simply isn't cutting the recovery mustard (as it once was).

Have you ever attended a family reunion?  A worthwhile and properly administered generational get-together?  One where thoughtfulness has been put into the venue, activities, food, etc.?  

Many of you are (now) of the opinion that you're not necessarily on the same "freak / loser plane" as your localized Samson group attendees (they're from Mars, you're from Venus or vice versa).  Too, your dialogues with your Silas are no longer fresh.  And this is curtailing your willingness to be completely honest with him.  You know that both of these ugly truths are now working against your steadfast recovery, yet you're continuing to go through the Samson Society motions.

Have you ever walked into a CrossFit gym or stepped foot onto a court / playing field, only to feel especially in sync with the guys who were there too?  To the point that the moves you were making equated towards the entirety / synergy of the team?  

Within your recovery journey, many of you have found powerful tools - within Samson Society - relative to tamping down one specific vice, but perhaps some of you have now found that another, less familiar vice, has reared its ugly head (in its place) and is subsequently demanding attention.  And this latter vice, you've no idea what to make of.  All you do know is that it's exciting to participate in yet deeply disturbing simultaneously.  

Have you ever been people-watching, perhaps whilst sitting in your truck outside of a busy grocery store and spotted that guy.  That. Guy.  The one you'd like to sit down and have a cup of Joe with?  There's just something about his stride, what he's wearing, how he navigates the throngs.  All of this adds up to your finding something relatable / attractive about him.  And when he eventually exits the storefront, you (again) can't help but break into a smile as you watch him traverse the asphalt towards his own vehicle, all the while saying a silent prayer for him and his future well-being.

Do you wince at the thought of looking at yourself in the mirror one more time?  Feel way too self-focused.  Self-critical.  Self.  Self.  Self.  Self.  Self.

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It may be time to segue towards some alternative recovery efforts, but I would argue only if you've not lost hope that recovery work comes in many different shapes and sizes.  Samson Society isn't a panacea.  It's essentially one "leading by weakness" man's (Mr. Nate Larkin) authorship of a tome that inspired an extremely horizontal, diversely approachable parachurch ministry that for many men is ONLY THE STARTING POINT.

God bless you, my friend, on your journey.  Sometimes hitting the wall is the very best move you can make.  

Don't forget to write.  

Why Aren't There More Mormons Involved Within Samson Society?

I think it has to do with stigma more than anything else.  

What is stigma?

A mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.

Mormons are high, high, high performers.  As such, they're typically VERY concerned about avoiding being stigmatized.  

Samson Society is a gang of merry Christian men who celebrate (have a great time doing) recovery.  In so many ways, we're paradoxical due to our approach (attitude).  It's as if we embrace (laugh-off) the stigma wholeheartedly, having come to understand that being stigmatized isn't at all in line with healthy recovery.  

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Weekend before last, I met a new(comer) Samson guy within my go-to, virtual Samson Society meeting.  During the after-meeting, he asked me to be his Silas.  I replied by thanking him before requesting that he think / pray about choosing Rob for one week.  He did so, and now I'm his Silas.

Firstly, I asked him for his story.  I had that within 24 hours.  

It wasn't long before he divulged (he recorded the majority of his story within an audio file) that he's a lifelong member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (two-year mission, BYU alum).  

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The first Mormon I ever met was an associate architecture professor at Mississippi State University (the year was 1994).  The attribute I recall mostly about his man was his work ethic.  It was unbelievable (compared to his professor peers).  The other attribute that stood out was his humility / meekness / kindness.  

How I knew he was Mormon, I don't remember, but I'm assuming it was whispered around not long after classes started my fourth year.  As such, I always did feel sorry for this man from the standpoint of being such the (fervent) religious anomaly within small-town Mississippi.  

Nonetheless, he was just as much of a hard ass as the other professors (if not harder).  He came - this close - to failing me relative to my final fourth year project due to it being "incomplete" (his words).

What I have continued to admire about this professor is he's stayed the course at MSU's School of Architecture.  Year after year, he's continued to teach / lead, and I believe he's still going strong.

That's persistence within a less-than-ideal (for him) environment.

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I'm excited to be this Mormon's Silas.  I've always wanted to befriend a Mormon, but have never had the opportunity.  (We've never even had any Mormon missionaries come to our door.)  

And now, one just approached me - out of the blue - during the Samson Society "Brain Changers" meeting.  Wow.  I feel immensely blessed.  

Please pray for me as I walk with my new friend as his Silas.  I'm looking forward.  (Samson Society truly is a very big pond.)

It's Always A Good Time To Add A Covenant Eyes Ally

 

I just added Ally #3 yesterday, (6/26).  As such, this man will receive the same Covenant Eyes reports that my other - more tenured - allies receive.  

Ally #1, I very, very rarely speak to.  He's now a business owner, living in north Mississippi.  I originally befriended him via the Jackson, Mississippi Samson Society in 2017.  I too serve as his ally, receiving his Covenant Eyes reports weekly.

Ally #2 has been serving therein for over a year.  He's local which makes him unique.

Ally #3 I speak to multiple times a week.  

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I chose to add #3 off the cuff.  I'd been thinking about ditching Covenant Eyes completely, before quickly realizing how stupid a move that would be.  

One nice aside that occurred as a result of this addition is I was motivated to delete a number of hidden images / videos on my pocket computer.  Images / videos that I certainly would not want my wife / daughters to discover someday.  

Pocket computers, desktop PCs, laptops, tablets are at their worst (for Rob) when they're "private".  

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Lastly, we have Covenant Eyes installed on our daughters' devices.  I receive those subsequent reports weekly.  It's been super helpful to have this insight into what they're using their devices for.  

Covenant Eyes = Highly recommended.

My Very Personal, Explicit Spring 2023 Creative Writing Sabbatical - Rob's Dysregulation Remedy

A Samson brother introduced me to (in early 2022) the concept of brain dysregulation whilst regularly attending (well over one year) a very well-attended virtual Samson meeting with him alongside.  This brain dysregulation idea centers around the brain becoming asymmetrical (imbalanced).  As such, the side that's out of sync needs some serious attention.  Having little use for this idea then, I paid it little attention, until...

For Rob, my eventual dysregulation occurred on the right side of my grey matter earlier this year.  Hence, I felt a deep-seated need to dream / fantasize / escape reality.  My easy access go-to therein to satiate these needs for such a lopsided brain would normally have been porn / salacious imagery.

Around mid-March, another Samson brother asked to share a dictated (voice memo app) "fantasy story" he'd written which centered around he and his spouse (who at the time was emotionally distant due to his recent difficult confessions) and her responsiveness to his sexual needs.  

This explicit creative writing exercise fleshed out his then desires for her and his marriage in spite of its / their current desecrated state.  As a result of reading this, I became incredibly inspired, and not only via the captivating story itself but the ongoing healing result (right brain flexure).

Hence, I began my own creative writing spree (in lieu of writing posts here).  This explains my absence.

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Three stories were generated as a result.  The first's plot focused on a private, paranormal relationship between my uncle and I when I was between the ages of 12-15; it centered heavily on this 20+ year older man and his positive masculine influence as a result of said relationship.  And though the story involved sexual overtones, it was by no means written to titillate.  Instead, from the perspective of a young teen boy (based on my recollected childhood), it put words / thoughts on the page addressing then private shame related to very typical adolescent / pubescent angst.  This tale was written in five distinct chapters. 

The second story was simple and fast.  It fleshed out a fictional friendship between myself and a young man who I've only known at a distance over the past few years.  

The third story ended up being my opus.  This one had thirteen distinct chapters with a heady epilogue.  I'm still coming off of the high that resulted from this distinct, very personal tale being generated.

In essence, it involved me being befriended by a Christian college student (graduate school) during my senior year in high school.  This older man I barely knew from my teenage years (working at Chick-A-Fil).  No doubt, I had deep admiration for / attraction towards him from a distance.  In order to properly flesh out his character, I grafted a recent Samson friend's persona over this guy, and as a result, the character and subsequently narrative gained tremendous legs.  

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I share this with you to hopefully inspire.  There's so much you can do creatively - that doesn't involve lustful thoughts / porn use - to rectify your dysregulation.  For me, creative writing was the tremendous fix I was looking for.  Try it today!

The Ultimate Parasocial (Imaginary Friend) Relationship(s) - An Explicit One OR 5K Unassuming (Fully Clothed) Ones?

Recommended reading:  Parasocial Relationships Are Just Imaginary Friends for Adults - The Atlantic

At some point during my middle school years, my next-door neighbor relayed some 900#s (prerecorded phone sex blurbs) for me and my friends to delve into.  If I remember correctly, we called firstly at his abode, and from there, I naively took the handful of numbers home for further investigation.  This was during the mid-80s. 

It wasn't long before I was calling these "pay by the minute" numbers (Imaginary Friends) regularly after school.  My father had a "home office" crammed (literally) into one side of our third bedroom, and on his desk was a phone that I'd often use if I wanted any privacy.  

Oblivious to the "pay by the minute" phone charge, how shocked I was to have my parents approach me therein relative to the exorbitant telephone bill!  I recall apologizing before quickly blaming the neighbor boy's influence.  

This really has been my only exposure to phone sex of any ilk.  Whilst looking back, I'm thankful that I was too young / naive to understand half of the explicit words being said into my ear via the sultry prerecorded 900# voices.

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A huge part of my trajectory relative to my recovery from chronic gay porn (Internet) consumption was me gaining an understanding of my longing / need / desire for being seen clearly by other men.  Particularly men who I had respect for.  Consuming gay porn enabled that illusion with remarkable ease (Imaginary Friends).  But at the same time, it (these Imaginary Friends) perpetually served as a misanthrope (feedback loop) in proportion to the greater intrinsic need that Rob had.

Nonetheless, I LOATHED consuming Internet porn because I'd long since earnestly privately rejected the trappings of culturally normal, if not celebrated, parasocial relationships (available via mainstream entertainment) as a college student (well in advance of the Internet coming to fruition).  Therefore, I felt deeply immature regarding my bondage to Internet porn as a result.  

So, what qualified Internet porn so differently than mainstream entertainment, in terms of fostering a parasocial relationship (Imaginary Friendship)?

For Rob, it was the overt explicitness.  Right there on my private computer screen.  Beautifully photographed / filmed, extraordinarily sexy and naked men having sex with themselves and other men.  

I'd never seen anything like it.  It was mind-boggling to behold.

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Yesterday morning, I worked out at the Y.  As there's been a handful of other times, a lovely blonde woman (about my age) working out too.  It's always been apparent that there's a bit of chemistry between us, though we've only spoken in passing.  She's about my age, and obviously quite dedicated to her own physical fitness.  

This AM, she was intentional about flaunting her spandex clad back end as I was doing floor-based roll-outs adjacent.  I remember thinking how awkward I would be feeling had I been straight.  

Nevertheless, I kept my head down throughout as I repetitively endured my set of roll-outs, choosing to not take advantage of the opportunity (ogling / flirting).

Whilst thinking back on that, even if I had been straight (& single), how akin it would have been for me to covertly seek out engaging within a parasocial relationship (Imaginary Friend)  (modeled perhaps after her "back end") than one directly with her.

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I'm at Sam's Club weekly, purchasing everything from fresh fruit to premade entrees (kale pasta salad!) and bottled water / staples for our family.  A few weeks back, I observed a couple "parking lot flirt" with each other as he assisted her in checking the fluids within her aging Honda Civic.  Throughout, they were sharing a vape while she took every opportunity to touch / embrace him (mostly from behind) as if he were a big teddy bear.  

She'd arrived firstly onto the vast asphalt pavement.  From there, he strategically pulled his full-size pickup alongside within just a matter of minutes.  

I made no attempts to disguise the fact that I was observing their flirtatious behavior in real time.  

Eventually, they walked into the giant discount retail store together with her arm around his waist.  And even whilst inside (I bumped into them), she continued her tactile affirmation.  

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I'm not convinced women overall find themselves ensnared by the pervasiveness of explicitness as we men so often are.  Most women are interested in far more subtle means of sexualization.

+/-15 years ago, I gave my sweet wife a freshly purchased copy (Amazon) of Bondi Work by Aussie photographer, Paul Freeman.  And I did this on Valentine's Day, hoping she'd "drop her guard" and begin to relish the naturalistic beauty of superbly (explicitly!) photographed men.  

Perhaps she'd have received my gift with a more positive response had there been less genitalia so prominently displayed throughout the coffee-table book.  

Nonetheless, it's a book of photos taken by a same-sex attracted man, therefore there's no shortage of digitally enhanced junk.  

In the end, my gift fell as flat as the time I gifted my mom (a six pack) CFL light bulbs for Christmas.

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A close friend recently divulged his belief that he's "rejection phobic" in tandem with being ADHD.  As far as I know, my friend's not been clinically diagnosed ADHD, but based on his own personal research, he very much believes himself to be.

I felt so humbled to have been bequeathed this discovery from him.  So much so, in fact, that I've now found myself historically ruminating on it, on occasion, ever since (I've known this friend for well over a decade).

What strikes me as slightly unconvincing though regarding his revelation has to do with him unaccounting for his deep entrenchment with parasocial relationships (Imaginary Friends).  Whether they're explicit (pornographic) or not.  For social media has been and is today's parasocial relationship floodwater(s), having inundated almost every facet (demographic, race, individual, corporate, nonprofit, religious & on & on) of humanity's existence.  My friend's (& his wife's) life is no different than the average bear relative to social media.  They are (& have been for a decade plus as far as I know) deeply entrenched therein.  As such, THEY ARE CULTURALLY NORMAL.

Nonetheless, is there no more culturally relevant place to be impacted by the parasocial (Imaginary Friends) than social media?  Social media, with its seemingly harmless yet infinitesimal display of photos, videos, memes, emojis, likes / dislikes, truncated statements, and on and on?

Question:  Has my old friend accounted for the role social media's been allowed to play within his life over the past 10+ years relative to the difficulties he has today whilst engaging face-to-face? 

I can't help but wonder about this.

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And this leads me to...

My argument against social media is as follows (in line with the notion that real, authentic relationships more often than not, take a back seat):

1.  There's less time ("crowding out") for them (taking into account the time spent engaging with parasocial- Imaginary Friends - relationships online).

2. I'm of the opinion that social media junkies' brains have literally been re-wired to devalue authentic relationships in comparison to the vast quantity of parasocial ones (due to the brain's allegiance / time spent therein to social media).

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In closing, I circle back to the young couple flirting in the Sam's Club parking lot as well as the aforementioned fitness beauty at the Y.  

Though I didn't engage with these individuals beyond observation, there's no doubt they were not Imaginary.

In fact, regarding the latter, I'll perhaps see her again in a few weeks (depending on when I next visit the Y).  

What sets these individuals apart is I had / have the opportunity to engage with these folks.  And there's miniscule risks that any of them are going to shed their clothes as a result.  This is normal human relational behavior that can be built upon - no matter what the outcome might be (rejection or otherwise).

Now, go back and re-read that article.  It's profound and incredibly thought provoking.  I'm of the opinion that it can be applied to every Samson guy's life.

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