"The Forest Of Struggle" - JR Everhart

I was dialoguing recently with a young man regarding his lackluster dating experiences, and he mentioned a fetish website that he was using to meet his physical needs.  I immediately warned him before sharing some of my story.  Unfortunately, I believe my words fell on deaf ears.  And such is the case with most of us when it comes to feeling like we deserve to have our (physical) needs met.  In so many ways, I'm just as guilty of taking advantage of this flawed logic.  I still find myself looking to porn or, at the very least, memories of past experiences to meet my needs.  In all honesty, I’ve never fully ceased acting out.  Obviously when I was married, my wife and I had each other to meet our individual needs.  But today, as a divorced man, it’s tough.  I have been on and off the rollercoaster more times than I can count, and the reality is:  Once you’ve tasted this forbidden fruit, it’s very hard to not return, all under the guise of sexual gratification.  Throughout my eleven years of being involved within recovery counseling and ministry, I’ve never met a man - who was still young enough to have a sex drive - who wasn't struggling with this particular albatross.  Obviously, there're those out there who've found their libidos quelled completely, but all-in-all, a healthy, single man seems to have all the cards stacked against him. 

At times, I feel as if I’ve dug as deep as I can in therapeutic workarounds.  All-in-all, this work has brought me immeasurable freedom.  But it still never made me not desire sexual gratification.  Nonetheless, it’s definitely easier than it was over a decade ago.  By admitting to this, I realize it isn’t a popular idea, but I’m simply wanting to be honest.  

Experiencing sexual gratification feels natural to me.  That being said, viewing porn / ruminating on sexual fantasy feeds the flesh.  These are two diametrically opposed realities that I'm faced with presently.