I often ask Samson brothers who're just beginning the recovery journey, "What is it that you're truly looking for whilst consuming pornographic content?"
For me, as a teen who found himself deeply entrenched in same sex attraction, it was the notion of being seen that hooked me deeper and deeper in. Of course, all manner of physical beauty (photographed / filmed beautifully) certainly tapped into my artistic eye (as described in detail within my last post), but the deep-seated void, if you will, was centered on a desperate loneliness / feeling of isolation that was well beyond typical teenage angst.
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One of my first architect bosses was genuinely interested in being seen in his own right. I don't know what exactly drove this behavior, but it manifests itself via his constant attempt to visually impress his fellow man (& too, like me, was his ever-present penchant for the beautiful - clothes, shoes, automobiles, homes). Specifically, my boss always wore the nicest clothes (shoes especially), drove the finest automobile, and lived in the poshest home (within the far upper end of his specific budget). As such, these items were upgraded quite often. To the point that every time you looked up, a new (spotlessly clean) vehicle was parked in his reserved space at the office.
I used to pity this behavior, but today, I realize how similar he and I truly were / are.
Being seen is really, really important to some, if not all men. For those chronic feelings of isolation / loneliness truly suck.
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I began to know Jesus intimately early on as a teen, but mostly this knowing came from Scripture / (excellent) preaching and a boatload of fairly homogenous Mississippi (deacon body within our church) men.
To segue from there, I also knew a boatload of pagan Mississippi men (extended family, friends' dads, neighborhood fathers, teachers) as a boy, and though there were distinct differences in persona / demographic, I had a tough time relating to any of them.
As such, becoming a man scared the hell out of me, knowing so little collectively from the representatives within my viewpoint.
As an aside, I believe most men within earshot of me (as a young man) mistook this fear for arrogance / piety which only isolated me further.
There was only one man (besides my sweet, sweet grandfather) who saw me with any real clarity. And that was my first boss at Chick-A-Fil. In so many ways, he was a surrogate dad, and what a gift to me he was! For not only did he see me unabashedly, but he lived his life in such a way that reflected his peace of mind as it pertained to being seen well himself. Chris was amazing.
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Consuming gay porn, to me, was the safest ("protecting" those around me) means for me to feel seen. It involved no other (real) men. Plus, I could "control" the relationship since it felt so very one-sided.
My desire to never harm anyone, in spite of my desperate need, kept me laser focused on this private approach.
When the Internet hit the scene though, its (porn content) voracity instantly became unmanageable (a small creek bed instantaneously became the Mississippi River).
Of course, Satan knew he was setting me up for bondage whilst inevitably taking the leap from analog to digital. All the while making me that much more vulnerable as the Internet became more and more mainstream.
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I discussed veneering within my last post. In many ways, identifying that has been my salvation. I've watched the Holy Spirit hack away (at the veneering) therein, exposing the idol for what it truly is, roots and all.
All of this is now coming together to deeply impact my understanding of my boyhood self. To resurrect him, so to speak.
In line with that is the reminder of all my past sin. Sin rooted in lust. It's daunting, for sure, but I will not allow it to trip up my progress.
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In closing...
How is it that God chose me as his child? Why would he care enough about my core needs (being seen) to bring me into Samson Society back in August of 2014?
The Christian men I've met (many of which I've closely befriended) see me and in turn, I work diligently to see them.
And they just keep coming. Thanks be to God for this ministry. It's been and continues to be how I best manage my needs.
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