Over the past ten years, I've attended at least one Samson Society meeting a week. August 2014 at First Baptist Church Jackson (Summit Counseling suite) was when that first meeting (involving Rob) occurred. I had met with Mr. Don Waller (facilitator of said meeting) on one occasion, and from there, he ushered me into his group (which at the time was the only Samson Society meeting in Mississippi, as far as we knew).
There were +/-9 men in that first-for-Rob meeting, 3 of which (including me) struggled with same-sex attraction. Having those two other brave men there meant the world to me.
I was in so much emotional pain due to my PTSD (fallout post job loss) that I would have taken any group referral, no matter how outlandish, seriously at that time.
Don was smart to not provide me with any preview of what Samson Society was. Therefore, I walked in blind, with eyes wide open towards a ministry that seemed as approachable as all the others I'd been invited into (throughout my life). For at that time, nothing could seemingly stop my emotional hemorrhaging. I truly had lost all hope and therefore wasn't capable of trusting anyone.
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As a same-sex attracted man, I can wholeheartedly say that what's kept me involved throughout these ten years has been my overall love for men. That along with my servant spirit has allowed me to never grow tired / weary of this ministry.
Regarding the latter, though that phrase, "servant spirit", may sound Titleist, what I'm referring to is my temperament. In no way does it imply that I'm a "better Christian", more like Jesus or anything of the sort.
I simply enjoy serving others. Especially if those others have testicles dangling between their legs. This makes me a type B personality which is unusual for Samson Society demographically.
As an aside, there are times when other men taunt me for executing kettlebell swings at the Y, citing my need to "wear a cup" (they do appear somewhat risky if they're executed correctly). More often than not, I'll respond that I'm actually a eunuch. That immediately shuts them up.
In many ways, I behave as a Biblical eunuch (though I do have my testicles) within this ministry. Over the years, a lot of Samson brothers have taken advantage of that position. Whilst looking back, I'm very appreciative of that. I listen without being able to relate to much of what they've / they're experiencing, and I find that being heard is all they truly need.
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Because cross talk isn't allowed within Samson Society meetings, I 100% of the time feel heard and seen. Because there's no requirement that you speak on the suggested topic, I feel free to open up as I feel so moved. In other words, if I want to talk about Butt play, I can. If I want to talk through how difficult it is to sometimes manage my feelings of shame (within certain circumstances) due to my homosexual desires, I can. If I want to talk about how beautiful I find it to be to observe men pleasuring themselves (especially when it involves semen), I can. If I want to talk about how fortunate I feel to observe a beautiful man unabashedly peel off their shirts (within an appropriate setting), I can.
I loathe hearing men make some sort of attempt to "speak into my life" within a group setting. I also despise group exercises that insinuate / relegate camaraderie or tribalism. To me, this harkens too much into the political / religious / cult realm, feeling fake and forced.
Samson Society resists this emotional posturing outright (based on my observations). And I love that. As such, you can hate the guts of everyone in the room but still benefit tremendously by simply being present (& that's why it will never be church).
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Mr. Nate Larkin and his sweet wife are my heroes. Leading via weakness is where it's at (if you ask them). He's the antithesis of Dr. James Dobson, Franklin Graham, etc. (men who incessantly critique - for attention and donations - everyone and everything around them). Nate simply knows how to sit back and enjoy time with other men. Whether it's his BFF Aaron Porter or Samson guys at the Summit. I love that about him.
For I too just want to bask in the maleness (enjoying the view) whilst feeling / being seen. It's an intoxicating experience that powerfully affirms me myself as an image-bearer. I grow stronger and more self aware as a result.
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In closing, I love to push boundaries. Especially with guys within Samson. I like to see how men might react to stories / questions that are tough to hear.
Because I'm here for my recovery, I'm far less fearful of offending someone (plus taking risks = feeling masculine for Rob). And sometimes, these "tests" result in some real growth pertaining to our friendship. Other times, the friendship implodes as a result. Because of whom I am, I rarely feign sincere loss if the latter occurs. For I have memory and more often than not, a record of that man via his writings, audio journals, etc.that I can look back on at my discretion (which I often do).
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One final note.
The men who've attempted to woo me into a sexual relationship have been few and far between within Samson Society. Remember, it takes two to tango. That being said, you're always going to have guys who simply do not believe that homosexual activity is sinful, and when they see just how sincere I am (most Samson guys are) pertaining to my / their sexuality, some simply can't seem to help themselves from dipping their toe in the water (to check the temp).
I think of a lot of this stems from these men desiring a virgin / Samson lay. And I get that.
One dude used to ask me repeatedly, "Are you sure you've never had sex with another man?" (hint, hint).
That horny old Catholic fart.
Here's to another ten years!
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