Losing my campus architect job from Delta State University proved devastating to me emotionally. For it was an environment I found challenging, energetic and perfectly suited for someone of my professional skillset (plus it was my dad's alma mater). I cannot overstate here how satisfied I was with this administrative position. It was September of 2013 when the termination occurred, right around this time of year (late summer transitioning into early fall). Though I'd only been employed there for one year, I'd spent countless hours of overtime (mostly weekends) shoring up the position of Campus Architect (at the expense of my family / personal life), all of which had resulted in some needed stability / restored confidence within the Physical Plant.
Post termination (the following day), I immediately took the necessary steps to become an employee of my parents' Jackson, Mississippi business. The work I'd be doing there wasn't at all of interest to me nor was I trained therein (I pursued a degree in architecture in college in order to eventually become registered as such). Too, I knew going in that working for them would result in me feeling washed up, settled, and emasculated (which it did). Spelled out as F-A-I-L-U-R-E.
The devastation was centered on how obvious it quickly became that I was not at all well-suited working on a college campus, particularly within a Physical Plant setting. Why? As an intensely (at the time) same-sex attracted 40-year-old man, I was overwhelmed with the testosterone / muscled masculinity that was constantly on display for me to interact with. And, to make matters that much more challenging, all these men wore athletically cut, short-sleeved uniforms that accentuated these glorious physical attributes. And I cannot underestimate that word: glorious. Damn, it was fucking glorious. Not unlike working on a gay porn film set each and every day.
Yet, in the midst of all this, I had zero support relative to my story. Even though I'd shared it in so many words with our pastor / associate pastor (whilst also pointing them to my personal blog). They proved to be no help at all to me personally. And I did even reach a point of directly asking for help.
Taking all this into account, it was no doubt an unworkable situation. Rob was completely isolated and far from home. All the while, feeling SO MUCH shame relative to his sexual orientation.
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Imagine being Samus Aran but not fitting at all comfortably (due to the size of your frame) into your varia suit. No matter how hard you'd tried. Therefore, you attempt to bounty hunt sans suit, but you keep getting your ass kicked. Plus, you're unable to morph into that cool morph ball which therefore limits your mobility.
As such, you're disqualified. No more bounty hunting. Not without the varia suit. It is an integral part of your work.
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At age thirteen, whilst being lassoed in by the gospel, I knew denial of myself would be an absolute. And at this age, I actually gravitated towards this mindset for I found zero value within Rob. Not to mention I was scared shitless of landing in hell for my propensity (even at this tender age) to lust. Immediately, Jesus made sense as both a savior and guide, and I understood my need for both.
There was no one to confide in during my teen years relative to my sexuality. In tandem with that was how emotionally starved I was both at home and platonically. Therefore, "rescue" came via lustful sexual fantasies, all of which were homosexual in nature. Often, these fantasies involved men / older boys that were within my sphere of influence (school / work / church). They pursued Rob with a vengeance within these fantasies, and in many ways, it served as a temporary suave to my hurting / lonely heart (which was always left behind with biting guilt).
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One thing I'm most proud of relative to my position at Delta State University was my choosing to not entertain sexual fantasies around any of the hot men that worked under me. As such, this put me in quite the private pressure-valve situation. For I didn't want to use them, but at the same time, I was exceedingly sexual attracted to a number of them.
And this is where oversharing on my personal blog came in handy along with consuming gay porn (all executed on my work desktop PC, thereby breaking the university's IT policy). For it provided some temporary emotional relief.
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After my initial +/-3 years of being involved in the Jackson, Mississippi Samson Society group (August 2014 - May 2017), the Holy Spirit clearly punctuated my love for men by dubbing me a "men's minister". This happened immediately following a retreat that Mr. Don Waller had organized for our (then singular) group in beautiful Highlands, NC. I'll likely never forget the day this occurred. It was a rainy weekday afternoon while both of my 'rents were out of the office.
This title wasn't something that felt earned. Instead, it seemed (at the time) so much more prophetic in nature than anything else. And it truly was, though even today, all these years later, I in no way feel I've "risen" to that mantel.
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My experience at Delta State University was perfectly orchestrated by God to prepare me for what's been set within my line of sight today as a "men's minister" (whatever that means). For I know firsthand what it is to experience devastation via the realization that you're not qualified to pursue what, by the numbers / book, looks to be a perfect fit for you (taking your credentials, experience, availability into account).
Being a same-sex attracted man has crippled me. There's no doubt about it. It has, in many ways, robbed me of (vocational) glory I've longed to be identified by. But, none of this is overly surprising to Rob, especially whilst looking back.
What is mind-blowing is how tenderly God's nurtured me through all this fallout. He's been consistent in his love as each month propels me further and further away from what went down in September 2013.
Thanks be to God for his goodness and mercy, and thanks too for the Jackson Mississippi Samson Society and its role in launching me into this community of men.
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