This year has been an amazing year for my concert production business. Everything is growing and moving exactly the way I had hoped. But for some reason, I still feel like it’s not real, or that I’m on the verge of disaster. It’s a haunting fear of failure that I constantly deal with. I triple and quadruple check even the smallest details of every job, yet still feel as if it’s one step from complete destruction. All this in the face of constant praise regarding the quality of my work. Only an adult child could feel these feelings of distress while people are patting him on the back and showering him with additional opportunity. If you don’t know what an adult child is, I highly recommend the “adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families” (ACA for short) program, or at the very least, purchase the “big red book” and read it. I have it on audio book as well, so I can listen to it while traveling, which I do a lot of.
For those of us who grew up under the same roof with addict-type dysfunction, which does not always assume the chemical component - such as drugs or alcohol, this type of thinking makes perfect sense to you. An adult child could get mugged and still blame themselves for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. We internalize everything because during the developmental years of our lives, we were taught that we were not good, and brought very little value to the world. Some of us were made to feel like we were the cause of our parents' sorrow and, as such, a hindrance to their happiness. This childhood distortion can then result in an adult who struggles with self-worth issues, and has a very difficult time believing good things can happen to him. This would be me. Here I am achieving everything I’ve worked the last 30 years to build; all the while waiting for it to blow up in my face. It’s insanity on the deepest level!
The enemy loves this cycle of thinking and for some it eventually gives birth to sabotage. Success can become so fearful and unbelievable to them. Eventually, they will self-destruct and burn it to the ground. This is one of many tactics they use to feed their victim mindset. “Poor me… I can never get a break… blah blah blah…” I’ve seen this play out amongst friends. It was only after several conversations that I could enlighten them to see this cycle they'd entered into. Fear has the ability (when reinforced with faith in that fear) to bring things to pass in the same way faith in Christ can bring things to pass. Faith is that strong and all of hell understands this principle. Why do you think hell works so hard to rob your faith by replacing it with Satan’s vernacular for your life?
As Christians, we can duly celebrate the fact that the entire New Testament is about hijacking Satan’s identity plans and realigning them with our identity in Christ. Our flesh bears witness with Satan’s lies, but our spirit aligns with God's truth and therefore its true identity in Jesus. My aforementioned feelings of fear-based failure (that are haunting me right now) are the fruit of decades of dysfunction which the enemy has been weaving into my life.
It isn't 'till I sit down and start journaling my thoughts that these lies start to surface. My fear of failure is not based on reality. It’s based on an emotional reaction - to the voices in my head. Voices from my childhood telling me I can’t do this because I’m not strong enough, or smart enough, or emotionally capable enough to handle the stress that comes with success, etc. THIS IS NOT THE CULTURE OF HEAVEN! These accusations are THE CULTURE OF HELL! Once I recognize this, I’m then equipped to extinguish the flaming arrows of the enemy with the shield of faith.
Here’s how a well-adjusted Christian should handle my situation: With success comes high levels of responsibility. I will do all I can to resource my efforts as it pertains to a safe and successful business. I will cover all I do with prayer trusting God to protect me and my business from catastrophic failure. I will not fear, and when fear does attempt to creep in, I will respond with faith in God's grace, mercy, and protection. I have nothing to fear, God has promised me that he will work all things toward good on behalf of those that love him and are called according to his purpose. God knows I love him, and I will attempt to live that out in my day-to-day life. I am also doing my best to live according to his calling on my life. Anything outside of this mindset, I place under God's grace, mercy, and protection. I don’t have to have all the answers, God does, but I also don’t have to stand at the tree of lies and temptation and argue with the serpent. I am free to turn and walk away, trusting only in God's promises. Promises revealed in his word for those who love him. This approach robs the enemy’s lies of their power, setting us free from the cycles of thought-life failure. Everything else matters not, therefore I MUST refuse to place poison on the table that I eat from.
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