"Looking For The Person That's Looking For Me..." - JR Everhart

I heard this (title of this post) on a podcast today, and I almost started crying.  It hit such a nerve with me.  I’ve felt so alone most of my life.  Even when married, I never really felt like my spouse was looking for me as their husband.  Perhaps they were looking for what I could give them, but definitely not the person I truly was - under all my dysfunction, hurt, and pain.  The podcast talked about how we all feel this way.  Looking for someone that will love us and put up with us.  Willing to travel into the pits of our hurt and pain and support us and love us toward our next higher level of growth and good.  I’ve never had that, and when the guy on the podcast spoke these words, it hit me like a ton of bricks, revealing an emptiness in me that I immediately felt pity for.  I was sad for myself, and that I’ve never truly experienced this ideal.  Hearing all of this opened a wound I didn’t even know existed. 

As I considered this further, God showed me how this desire is far deeper than my romantic life.  My parents chose to not soldier on for me in my weakness or defend me in my times of need.  They were just punching the time clock of life, trying to push through us last two kids of twelve they had between three marriages.  To say our family was dysfunctional was laughable.  Normal, middle-class families were dysfunctional.  We lived well below the poverty line, and our home was toxic and full of layers of decay.  My mom was trapped in a relationship with a man (my father) who was a textbook narcissist.  He was controlling and never satisfied with anyone's performance.  He was also very bitter.  And we defined ourselves as a "Christian Family".  Lol.  My father had a great awakening in his senior years, and we made peace which allowed us to enjoy some good years together.  But my mom was far too damaged and addicted to Valium to really be there for anyone.  She was constantly sick and just wanted to be left alone.  We had some moments of joy here and there, but most of the time she just sat and gossiped about anyone that threatened her world.  She was paralyzed by fear and anxiety and never really knew any freedom in her life.  When she died of cancer, I could only feel deep levels of sadness for her because she took all that junk to her grave, never once finding freedom from her guilt and shame. 

All this facilitated me becoming an adult child that never believed anyone ever really loved him.  I lived most of my adult life searching for something I couldn’t fully comprehend.  Decades of wasted years ensued with me trying to find some form of resolution.  Yes, there were seasons of joy, but they were few and far between.  As such, I was stuck in a cyclical dysfunction.  Time after time I chose the wrong women.  Women that felt familiar to my toxic childhood.  It’s absolute insanity at its best.  Even now after a decade of recovery, to my credit, I still wonder if I’ll get it right this time around.  Time will tell.  At this point, I’m mostly isolated in my life and slowly getting comfortable with it. 

I do see the principles of this idea of - looking for people who are looking for me - playing out in my counseling ministry.  I think that’s why giving it away to the newcomers is so important and fulfilling in our recovery.  “You can’t keep it and still grow…” is a recovery phase I recently heard.  Giving it away has always made me feel better and connected to the brotherhood of recovery.  Especially sex addiction recovery, which is so "hush hush" in so many Christian circles.  I desire to connect with people who need what I know to fulfill the ideas of validation in my emotional brain.  Helping others brings about purpose and satisfaction to my world of doubt and feared calamity.  Here recently, I have found myself walking away from conversations that I knew God was using to help someone along.  This resulted in me feeling as if I was enough, even if the dialogue lasted only for a few minutes, or hours.  I believe this is supported by James 5:16:

 

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed…”| NLT

There is great self-healing in helping others.  Because we all need to pay it forward for our own healing and growth.  It’s God's great process of building his kingdom.