"Bo's Cafe" By John Lynch (Reviewed by Scott Tomlin)

Self-Protection & Shame - I have always used coerciveness to get what I want.  It has protected me at all costs.  I grew up in the home of a Raging Alcoholic, and I was often the focus of his rage.  So, it's understandable that this mentality to jump into a Bunker and protect was HARDwired via my upbringing.  

I learned that no one was going to protect me; instead that EVERYONE WOULD abandon me.  So, I told myself that I had to protect Scott and take care of him.  From this pattern of self-protection, I trapped myself in a fortress.  A fortress that was intended to protect, allowing me to not feel ANYTHING, which was what I needed to survive.  Because I was too young to understand, and too small to escape my father's rage, I learned to emotionally disconnect from myself too.  This provided me with the methodology to enforce an inner vow I'd made.  And that vow was:  to never allow my dad to see any emotion.  Hence, I could control my emotions by disconnecting, and that was about the only thing for which I could completely control.  This coping skill served me well and allowed me to survive, but it also made it difficult to extend/give emotions to others.  My innards, as a result, became hardened.  

As a grown ass man, I found that I couldn't show up emotionally.  I missed and I lost out during many years; ultimately, I didn’t know how to express how I was feeling.  I lost out on the opportunity to distribute the slow, daily, continual deposit of my love within simple actions; actions requiring me to be present by expressing my emotions in the small moments.  As such, I couldn't give the following to my wife - the look in my eyes nor the touch of my hands as a means to provide her with that daily deserved affirmation!  I missed out on the opportunity to express my true feelings in lieu of me protecting myself.  Ultimately, my feelings were still (remember by boyhood) closed up in the fortress of self-protection, all because of my wrong belief about vulnerability.  In essence, I saw vulnerability as something to be feared due to it exposing me (to potential emotional pain), and this felt extremely unsafe.

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Shame has always said to me, “You are not worth it!”, and unfortunately, I believed what shame said. 

In reading Bo’s Cafe, I wholeheartedly identified with the main character, Steven.  Like him, I've always attempted to control others in order to not feel any shame.  In my adult life, I have foolhardily harnessed my pent-up emotions.  These were emotions that were usually hidden as a means to control others.  Essentially, I've, at times, resorted to weaponizing my Anger, Remorse, Sarcasm, Aggression - you name it.  This I have used to "back people off of me" in an attempt to protect myself.  All under the guise of staying in control.  When things are not going the way that I think they should go, my need to control increases, and I quickly take action.  In essence, The VOLUME of grown ass Scott increases - to a deafening pitch - and I don’t stop…CAN’T STOP…until I feel that I am in control of all the possible outcomes!

In this effort, I won’t allow my wife or my children to simply be themselves.  If I allow them to be who they are, then they might not be who I think they should be at any given time, therefore this could cause others to think poorly of them (Scott) which would consequently have others thinking poorly of me.  If this were to happen, then I would feel SHAME which, in turn, induces me towards controlling everything and everyone.  As a result of this self-protection ruse, when they refuse to come around to my way of thinking (controlling), I judge them!  Therefore, Scott is implicitly right, and everyone else is WRONG (Scott the asshole)!

Secondly, the character, Andy, is a Protector (of those he loves).  My resolve towards this character is one of disconnect and unrelatability.  For I've always been singularly my own self-centered / self-focused Protector.  Considering this, God’s specific design was that I would allow others to protect me.  To be very specific, I would need to allow my wife to protect me.  She certainly was able to provide a clear, present visibility / assessment of Scott.  Visibility that could clearly observe Scott beginning to dis-regulate and enter into Freeze, Fight or Flight.  

Unfortunately, when I feel this coming on (vulnerable), I see it as a NEGATIVE thing which feels unsafe, therefore I feel that I MUST protect myself.  In doing so, I have rarely experienced what God intended within my marriage, which is for my wife to truly be my Helpmeet and not my Adversary.

This book helped me to ask of myself this important question: Safe from what?  I finally saw, for the first time, me reflexively feeling unsafe from my own Shame.  Shame which kept me in this continual effort to protect myself.  My thoughts were as follows: if anyone actually discovered the real me, they would reject me, abandon me, and not love me!  To take it a step further, I often, in these moments, felt hatred for myself!  Who I had become as well as the collateral damage - from my decisions - and all the pain which I had caused in my addiction.  

And finally, within the character of Steven, I saw my own behavior cycle as well as my Core Belief, “I am NOT worth it”.  Shame simply echos my Core Belief, therefore I immediately begin the hustle!

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What did I take away from this book?

In order for Scott to dismantle the fortress of self-protection which had been built over 45 years, he must stop looking to others for his approval.  When he does this, he places this massive pressure on his loved ones to tell him, “You're OK.”  My wife is usually within the direct line of fire relative to this expectation.  However, I never let her in because my Shame is saying, “if you knew me, the real me, you wouldn’t love me.”  So, I send my representative, the Imposter, out to meet with her.

Imposter Scott will bring all his good works to the meeting, all the good things he has learned in Recovery, at his Samson meetings, at his last Therapy session.  As such, he'll lay it all down at the sacred alter of Self-Protection, in an effort to say, “Look how much I’ve learned about me and how I have hurt everyone else…doesn’t this make you want to tell me ‘just how much better I have become?!’”

It’s kneejerk behavior, this need of mine to achieve something in order to hide my Shame versus LETTING IT GO!  The truth is that my Shame was paid for when it was crucified with Jesus!  Only when I allow Shame to be reconciled can the authentic Scott Tomlin come out of hiding.

I really want to be Fully Loved.  My 2-year-old self, my 8-year-old self, desires to be FULLY LOVED, and so does every other age of Scott.  However, the only way for me to be fully loved is to be fully known.  I have to drop my protection, take off my armor, and come out from behind the fortress of Self-Protection.  In this, I can step into the light of vulnerability to be the man for which God intended (as described within Psalm 139).  Christ never intended for me to believe the Enemy's message of Shame; my sin was paid for even before he made me!

Thanks for listening…I’m Scott.