My first Silas relationship was one that cross pollinated (he and I served each other as Silases) despite the fact that we were not (yet - by a long shot) integrated into Samson Society. And this was because we weren't privy to it (this was 2010 / 2011 / 2012). Nonetheless, we knew exactly what we both wanted from the friendship for we were both struggling mightily with compulsive sexual sin (porn consumption).
How did this unique precedent-setting relationship originate?
Chris (Silas 1.0) approached me about having an unassuming lunch. From there, he announced that he was a "Porn Addict" while we ate our gyro plates at Jerusalem Cafe in Jackson. As you might imagine, with him being our church's Youth Pastor, I nearly shit a brick when he said this.
Overall, whilst looking back on this season, I can say that it was an amazing (+/-18) month journey.
Until it wasn't.
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At the outset of our friendship, Chris' personal and work life were in shambles, and it was mostly his own fault. Specifically, as it related to his laziness. Chris loved "winging it" relative to EVERYTHING. Prep work, in his opinion, was not at all for him. Instead, he used his "free time" to play video games, surf porn, or watch television / films (keep in mind that he was married with three small children).
According to Chris, because "winging it" had been his modus operandi throughout his life (he was in his early to mid 30s at this time), he knew of no real way to "chart a new course" (become un-lazy / grow up / become more responsible).
I can remember vividly chatting and praying, chatting and praying, chatting and praying (after we'd run together) EVERY Tuesday evening in my garage. And often, we'd end up arguing over some of the pettiest of things. But, all in all, I never once relinquished my role as his "best gay friend" (his words) as I tried my darndest to understand / support him for such a time as that. Chris was intelligent / creative and articulate. I liked that. Plus, he respected me and all my unique weirdness.
The implosion of our co-Silas relationship occurred when I finally insisted that we expand our group. Chris was vehemently uninterested in doing this. He claimed there'd be no benefit to it. Yet, I believed his argument didn't hold water due to whom I was recommending we loop in. Hence, I saw it as a win-win for both of us, and therefore the best way forward.
In the end, Chris (to this day) claims I "betrayed" him by going against his wishes in this regard.
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So, why did I do this?
This is a question Chris has never asked. And the reason he's never asked it is as follows: all he's ever been concerned with is him being "sold out" (& by the way, I wasn't the only one - historically - to do this to him) and all the negative feelings that came with that.
I simply cannot relate to his one-way point of view, but I do respect / honor his feelings.
And just so you know, presently, I talk to Chris every week and have been for the past year or so. He's one of my oldest of friends. Thanks be to God, via Samson Society National / Regional Retreats, we've found (once again) common relational ground. Everything that went down before ('12) simply has never been / will never be worked through. We don't discuss it because we don't see any benefit therein. It's as if we were two different versions of ourselves at the outset of our longstanding friendship. Hence, we've learned to leave the past in the past. And I'm extremely grateful for this miracle approach because I love Chris dearly. And too, there is so much truth in that statement.
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So why did I do to Chris what he so feared would occur?
I looped in a third man in order to relieve my own emotional / spiritual pressure relative to our friendship. Chris' personal / vocational circumstances, throughout these early years of us communing together, continued to worsen for him (& for our church's youth ministry). No amount of time together - chatting & praying, chatting & praying - seemed to improve his situation. Though we very much enjoyed each other's company, I couldn't deny how burdened and used I felt.
The other portion of this was just how self-focused Chris was during this season. And I believe this too was due to the ongoing falling out regarding his own personal failings / negligence. He was literally watching everything fall down around him at this time which had to have been completely overwhelming.
In essence, Rob was rucking it for his Silas, yet each week, more and more weight was being added to the rucksack. Eventually, I chose to unload some of it onto someone else. Someone whom I knew also loved / supported Chris as I did.
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Why bring all of this up?
Today, I'm in a very similar situation with another man, and frankly, I cannot believe it. I've been dialoguing multiple times a week with this friend (since March), ending each chat with an intentional prayer, since early '22. This guy is a few years older than I, and though his situation certainly isn't identical to Chris', there're remarkable similarities.
David and I met back in February at a regional Samson retreat. And we hit it off immediately. And just as with Chris, I deeply pitied this man's situation (vocational / personal).
And so here I am. As each week passes, David's situation continues to degrade, and once again, my rucksack is simply too much for me to bear.
I've tried repeatedly (even to the point of having the MTGA facilitator personally invite him) to motivate David to attend the same virtual Samson Society meeting that I regularly attend ("Make Thursdays Great Again"), but he won't make it (or any other Samson Society meeting) a priority. I desperately want him to make this commitment because I know that group well. They'll come alongside and love David as I do. For he's a wonderfully intelligent / articulate Christian man.
Oh, dear Jesus, where do I go from here? Do I continue forward bearing the weight of this man's situation alone, or do I lay down an ultimatum relative to him taking the necessary steps to expand our too small circle all around?
Please pray for Rob regarding this rerun relationship.
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