Wednesday, August 4, 2021
Monday, August 2, 2021
["How Can You Live With Yourself?"]
An SL is a man with Short Legs. Essentially, his upper body and lower body are more or less equal in length. Hence, the moniker SL. Therefore, these men aren't tall which is one of those preferred physical attributes for men within our western culture. My assumption regarding this particular preferential treatment falls in line with the notion that physical stature equates to physical strength or somesuch.
The first SL I came to know was the Operator of the Chick-A-Fil I worked at in high school within Northpark Mall. Chris was not on the lower end (unreasonably short in stature) of the SL scale, but nonetheless, he was definitely an SL. I remember looking at his build one day and realizing how equalized his upper and lower body were, yet despite this, it in no way changed my opinion of him as a man. He simply looked like what I'd come to know as Chris - my boss, my friend, and all in all, a surrogate father in many ways.
A lot of guys are SLs. Many of which are very successful men, but mostly stratospheric success comes to men who're not SLs. At least whilst taking into consideration all of the non-SLs (tall guys) lumped together collectively.
An SL friend had lunch with me recently, and he implied that were he me, he'd not have motivation to live life. He did this via a rhetorical question that I'd never been asked prior (& believe me, I've been asked some humdingers). And the root of this implication was grounded within the notion that I'm permanently disabled (due to my sexuality) with no means of even internally (to myself) pretending otherwise.
I've been pondering this affront / his point of view for some time since, and this has got me thinking a lot about what I've observed of him over the years that we've been friends.
My SL friend wears lifts or cowboy boots almost exclusively. In fact, throughout my time of knowing him (+/-4 years), there's only been one occasion when he was not "artificially heightened". And I distinctly remember this occasion for his stature was +/-1.5" less, and this was quite the noticeable difference.
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This same SL friend likes to tout the hotness of his wife and how much regular sexual intimacy they participate in. Too, he's not one bit remiss to point out other hot women and how decidedly alluring to horny, heterosexual men they truly are (according to his point of view).
Therefore, as you may sense here, the majority of his confidence is rooted in a distinct heterosexual narrative.
Did I happen to mention that my SL friend is a pastor? In turn, this further complicates what I'm to think of his adjudication of Rob.
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You'll recall my participation within the Samson Society Blue Ridge retreat a few weeks back. This retreat was co-lead by my first Silas who now resides in Mobile, AL. The period of time that he and I were formally connected (Silas to Silee & vice versa) was during the latter third of 2010 to first quarter of 2012. And it's important to note that our relationship ended swiftly. It occurred via a schism that I never imagined would eventually be mended, resulting in complete relational (supernatural) restoration. But it did. My participation within the Samson Society Blue Ridge retreat was testimony to that unbelievable restoration.
Did I also mention that my first Silas from long ago was also (at that time, but no longer) a pastor?
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I love the church. For without it, I'd certainly not be a Christian. Plus, I'd not have met my sweet wife, Angie. Too, I revere more than any other vocation the pastorate. In fact, one of the primary reasons I agreed to befriend my first Silas was due to him being a pastor at the time.
Pastors make little money despite (at least within the Presbyterian Church) being required to obtain lengthy credentialing. They often experience burnout and yet are expected to give of themselves - above and beyond - what they initially envisioned their calling to be. Many of them have few real friends who aren't parishioners within the church they themselves pastor. And most, hope forlornly for more affirmation and less criticism, though few receive it. It's a tough, tough job. If not the toughest job.
Pastors' families are never out of the spotlight. Forever expected to be perfectly suited to their roles as wife / children of "the man". I cringe at the notion of rearing my own children within that particular paradigm.
As such, based on what I've SOMETIMES witnessed is this informality within their role. A comfortableness that's almost in line with being a government employee (bureaucrat). In tandem with that bureaucratic outlook is the notion that so few really want their job to begin with, therefore...I'm free to let my hair down completely. No holds barred.
Now, I'M NOT INSINUATING HERE THAT ALL PASTORS ARE SUPER INFORMAL, GOVERNMENT-EMPLOYEE TYPES.
But I have befriended some who most definitely are (or were). And I'm grateful for this, but also motivated to pray for these men despite the bruising that's come from their own hands.
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Now, let's return to this notion of SLs wearing lifts or cowboy boots to disguise their true height.
The question here is as follows. Are they (internally) better off disguising their SL-ness via their lifts / cowboy boots, or should they simply make peace with their build and stop pretending that they're taller than they truly are?
Another question - Is this method of disguising their true height, taking into consideration all of the implied hoops they go through to maintain the illusion, doing more to falsely bolster their confidence than the illusion is actually attempting to provide?
If you'd allow me to circle all the way back to the beginning of this post, you'll recall me mentioning Rob's archetypical SL. That being the Operator of the Chick-A-Fil during my high school career there. This wonderfully influential man made no attempts to disguise his height, and was altogether at peace with his stature / build. Plus, he knew me just as well as my current pastor friend despite my only being a teen. Yet, he never, ever implied that I was destined to live my life sans hope or peace despite my obvious struggles (which were readily apparent even then).
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In closing, it's hard to make peace with yourself, no matter who you are. Especially whilst putting so much stock in how other's view you. This is a sobering truth that applies to everyone.
But what's worrying is when pastors are struggling more with this than perhaps they should be or want to admit to. I mean, they're pastors. Shouldn't they be the most centered, assured, intrinsically selfless of all of us?
This friendship has now presented a confusing relational quagmire that I've no answer to (which is absolutely okay), but I am now convinced that whilst it not being resolved, said pastor's point of view (projected onto others) is doing some significant distorting.
I do know this. Pastor, get a grip / get some help. We need this of you. So much of our worth is dependent on how you choose to see us to be / become. For you represent our understanding of Jesus - in the flesh.
Friday, July 30, 2021
How The Ease Of Access (www) To Gay Porn Changed The Course Of My Life (Sans A Buzz From Booze)
My first Silas had / has an addiction to alcohol (& porn) that resulted (2015) in him receiving his first (& only) DUI whilst traveling for work within beautiful Louisiana. Interestingly enough, it was his son who'd originally attended a Samson Society meeting, and as such, this fortunate juncture (between his son and the First Baptist Church Jackson Samson Society group) resulted in the perfectly timed referral.
Years ago, a client of mine from north Mississippi admitted too to receiving a DUI (also his first & only). I couldn't help but ask him for permission to tell my story in response to his quagmire (he'd just applied for some individual insurance coverage via my family business), and thankfully, he was open to that. From there, I asked about his porn use, and this question took him aback. I asked specifically if it was chronic - to any degree - whatsoever. He stated that he only used porn whilst drinking alcohol, and this piqued my interest as to the deeply effective means alcohol has of lowering one's inhibitions.
Me being a teetotaler - in contrast to my first Silas' lifelong relationship with alcohol (& subsequently porn) - forced me to do a lot of soul searching relative to what exactly was behind my chronic use of online smut. For I wasn't under the influence of any drug whilst consuming, yet I had no inherent revulsion to it. Instead, it was almost as if I'd literally struck gold.
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Gay porn is photos / videos of men having sex with either themselves or each other, and having lived within Mississippi all of my life, I'd never witnessed this 'till the Internet came on the scene in the late '90s. It's heady stuff that's repulsive to many men, but not all. Before I encountered it online, I'd only imagined sexual activity between men, but I'd never witnessed any version of it - live or Memorex. Therefore, the Internet opened a doorway for me that should never have been opened, yet because of that exposure, many good outcomes were the result as I'll describe in short order.
Two powerfully evocative emotional responses happened at once when this door was opened for Rob.
1. I no longer felt alone as a man with my particular sexuality.
2. I was mesmerized by the infinite amount of pornographic imagery available online combined with the unbelievable beauty and captivating nature of those images.
What number 1 primarily did for me was invoke deep seated sadness and confusion that was rooted in how obviously vulnerable men like myself were to sexual sin and exploitation. All the while, number 2 spurred me on to consume, consume, consume. As if I was making up for lost time / opportunity. Combining these two was heart wrenching for me to take. For I consistently realized that I was neither helping myself nor these gay porn models in the process.
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I was working at an architecture firm back in the late '90s when all of this Internet porn exposure came to fruition within my life. And the work was interesting and rewarding, but when Angie and I had our first daughter, I needed an additional job to make our budget work each month (she chose to become a stay-at-home mom). That side job came in the form of janitorial work (at the same architecture firm I was employed at full-time). This, combined with a horribly demonic newborn baby girl (who didn't sleep completely through the night 'till she was well over one-year-old), did nothing to stave off my thirst for Internet gay porn.
These were back during the days of dial-up Internet access, therefore we're talking here about very constricted consumption compared to today. Nonetheless, even this slow-as-molasses access was enough to wrangle me into a seriously emotionally drained mess - day after day - as it harkened back to what I described above.
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The first sizable course correction for me - which came as a result of the ease of access to Internet gay porn - was my desire to find a job that would relinquish me from sitting in front of a computer all day doing nothing more than repetitive grunt / layman's work. It wasn't that I minded grunt work nor looked down on it. In actuality, grunt work was peaceful and low, low stress. But, I couldn't give it the focus I needed to with an Internet browser icon staring back at me seductively.
Therefore, this resulted in me taking the necessary risks involved in moving jobs, and for Rob, this just happened to result in a move from the private to the public sector. And this move enabled me to embrace a much more administrative role that was anything but repetitive. And I really loved and felt proud to be doing this work (for my home state, no doubt) as a 34-year-old Mississippi architect.
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The second sizable course correction for me had to do with courage. Seeing the scores of naked men participating in all manner of sexually charged poses / activities inspired me to cease hiding what my true needs were. I believe that the majority of gay sex - whether it's photographed or not - is an outgrowth of men needing / longing for community at its most basic, animalistic, instinctual level. Men emote most efficiently in and through sexual activity of any ilk. This is how God made us.
I've heard stories from young Samson guys who've experienced difficult heterosexual romantic breakups, and as a result, driven to NOLA in order to frequent gay bars in pursuit of hookups. Hookups to placate their implied "now & forever" loneliness funk. This may sound extreme, but it points back to men's "special connection" between their brain's emotional core and their genitals.
Too, during this time, I was happily married, yet not known - truly known - by any other men.
Therefore, I began looking online for a friend. Someone that God might bring my way who could relate to Rob's situation / identity. And that person came in the form of an Aussie name Scott who blessed me tremendously with his loyalty and encouragement as a Christian friend for +/-18 exuberantly joy-filled months. From there, I began to talk about my story with more and more Christian (and eventually pagan) men. Thankfully, the reactions I received were supportive and helpful if not completely demonstrative of genuine respectfulness towards my situation. This, in turn, convinced me to expand my horizons that much further.
Eventually, I did find that just having one, two or three men - in the know - regarding my story, wasn't enough. The circle needed to be ever widened. Hence, I began blogging, and that's when The Architect's Garage blogspot was born. By the time that blog (5-year lifespan) gained traction online, I was having close to +/-75 visitors (hits) a day from readers all over the globe. It was a phenomenally effective and super convenient mouthpiece for Rob and his unique story.
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The third sizable course correction for me had to do with my physical health. Gay porn blatantly reminded me that men were image bearers of God, therefore there was a responsibility there to take care of one's physical self. At age 36, I began strength training regularly, and at age 37 or 38, I segued into combining that with distance running. As a result, my physical body changed for the better alongside my health. Plus, it gave me credence to work towards overcoming my anxiety relative to the gym / locker rooms. And over time, I did overcome that anxiety by God's grace, but it was not at all easy.
On the flip side of this, I absolutely DID NOT go overboard here. I knew by overdoing it, (more than twice a week in the gym) I would torpedo my goal of lifelong longevity. And though I'm likely not the sexiest, swolest guy as a result, that's okay. Consistency / longevity should be every man's end goal when it comes to physical fitness. Not specific results or gains. I believe this wholeheartedly.
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The fourth sizable course correction for me had to do with constraints. Gay porn opened my eyes to just how certain situations weren't workable - on any level - for Rob, no matter how hard I tried to make them work. And this pointed back to my vocation. In particular, the setting therein.
I experience a sort of emotional nirvana whilst surrounded by men (very similar to a much greater degree to the short circuit available via the consumption of gay porn), and this state of mind allows me, at times, to clearly see myself. And this is AWESOME. Yet, though these experiences are fantastic, they take their toll if they're prolonged. Why? This state of emotional connection with men allows me to see / feel what they're seeing / feeling, therefore these experiences must be rationed. Otherwise, I get overwhelmed to the point that I can't process much of anything except what these other individuals have given me the opportunity to "upload". Because of this, I've been dubbed "highly sensitive". Perhaps that's a true descriptor. Whatever it is, I cannot handle certain situations but for very controlled lengths of time before I need to return to my sarcophagus. Alone.
In summary, too much of this masculine groupthink results in me experiencing emotional overload, and when I reach that state of mind, I'm unable to find my center under just about any circumstance.
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Do I thank God for Internet gay porn? No, of course not. But I do believe he's used something meant for so much evil to my advantage. At least relative to my refinement as a man.
Many years ago, I had an online Christian friend who explained to me how his participating in a handful of gay sex trysts had firsthand opened his eyes to the abnormalcy of homosexual practices. Now, I realized then as well as now that hearing this wasn't / shouldn't give license for me (or other Christian men) to sin. Instead, it was speaking to the sovereignty of God - even over evil itself. And it encouraged me to recognize that shame must not become so consuming that it blinds us to God's goodness and faithfulness even within the hardest of places to discuss / admit to / ruminate over.
God is no prude. He's not the church lady. Plus, he's knows how terribly vulnerable we are here within this fallen world of ours, and I believe we forget how sensitive he is to that truth. Therefore, never underestimate how holistically clever he truly can be within his pursuit of your heart / faithfulness to him. It is mind boggling to chronicle, if you'll just take the time to do so.
Tuesday, July 27, 2021
Should Samson Guys Serve As Deacons / Elders?
It depends.
The Bible clearly qualifies deacons / elders, therefore those qualifications must be considered first & foremost.
Being involved within the Samson Society can bring about stigma, but involvement therein shouldn't disqualify a man for one of these aforementioned positions by default.
Every Samson guy is on his own personal journey relative to recovery. And, his recovery may be focused on something that's not even qualified Biblically as sin. For example, loneliness or grief. Those are very different struggles than sexual sin, gluttony, drunkenness, etc. They're not any less difficult, just different from a Biblical perspective.
When I was a much younger man, I was approached twice relative to being nominated for the position of deacon at First Baptist Church Jackson. And similarly, I've been approached a handful of times (within the same vein) at Lakeside Presbyterian Church.
My litmus test for how I responded to that approach was as follows.
Was I - at that point in time - still actively engaged (regularly) in Rob's struggle with chronic sexual sin (gay porn consumption / lust)?
My answer to that question - each time it was asked internally - was a resounding "YES"!
Therefore, I politely declined each invitation.
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I'm thankful to report that I haven't consumed any gay porn since December of 2020 (thanks to The Path). There's only been one other time within my life where I've put this much "distance" between myself and gay pornography, and that was +/-10 years ago.
Most men - who attend church (and pastor churches) regularly - consume Internet porn at a similar pace (as their church attendance). And when I type "Internet porn", I'm not referring to just porn available via the tube (YouPorn) channels (which tends to be hardcore). I'm referring also to social media, YouTube, Netflix, etc. (which tends to be softcore but no less effectively titillating).
Here's Rob's definition of Internet porn.
Internet porn is any imagery that promulgates lustful thoughts within your grey matter. And more often than not, these lustful thoughts lead to eventual illicit sexual activity between the individual and someone other than their spouse.
In closing, many Christian men (in leadership positions or not) are on a spiritual trajectory to hell because of their marginalizing these unfortunate decisions. Therefore, a fair number of men who serve as pastors, elders, deacons within our churches need our prayers for not only wisdom to lead but for the conviction to also extract themselves (repent) from these poor choices.
Monday, July 26, 2021
The Toxicity Of (Samson Society) Slander & Gossip / Strive To Stay At The Bottom Level Of The Ziggurat Pyramid
This past week I manned a trade show booth at an annual summer convention that caters towards one of the professions my family business (which is where I'm employed) gravitates towards. I've manned this particular booth (almost always within the same venue) for seven years.
Prior to this annual event, I establish goals for myself relative to the efforts I'm slated to put forth there, and one of those goals for this year had to do with Rob making a professional connection with one - in particular - (out of four) of the gatekeepers of this particular national organization. This particular gatekeeper is the newest to the group, having been appointed +/-3 years prior, and subsequently, the last one to having a working relationship with Rob.
But unfortunately, perhaps due to my big mouth, that newly hoped for professional connection (& subsequent goal) didn't come to fruition during the event. To be more specific, I let a slanderous comment slip immediately prior to the opening reception on Thursday night. And this comment was relayed to very much the wrong individual (the gatekeeper's employee) at the wrong time.
Stupid Rob.
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I offer the following truth.
All of us adjudicate others by default. It's essentially sizing up, and it's especially prevalent (easy to execute) amongst individuals who're - more or less - established within the same plane. And keep in mind that everything within our culture - as well as the very economic system we reside within - as Americans, is coded within the language of performance-based judgement / rank (which by definition runs counters to the gospel). Case in point are Samson Society facilitators and how their personas respond to the roles they've volunteered for. These men, no doubt, are each distinctly different in their approach. Yet, they've chosen to take on the responsibilities embedded within facilitating which makes them easy targets.
Another facet of being a member of the Samson Society community is warranted, consistent attendance (sometimes many years of attendance) to a particular group(s). And this can fuel what I call ziggurat (stepped) pyramid judgement - with each level of the pyramid (ascending from bottom to top) representing less and less doubt - relative to your sizing up of an individual, setting, etc. And this ziggurat pyramid construction "process" (moving upwards towards a more concretized opinion or point) tends to happen faster / with less effort the older (more experienced) you are (I speak from experience here). As such, once you reach that pyramid's zenith, one's opinion is no doubt established, and that's when you're probably screwed. For I've seen firsthand how no man can benefit from Samson Society (or any other horizontal community) when they've figured everything / everyone else out. As such, to expound on that observation, this personal "triumph" may also result in potential slander ensuing whilst being within that particularly arrogant state of mind (like I was last week at the aforementioned convention).
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Here's another truth.
Tension exists between certain men. It's inevitable. And that's not necessarily a negative truth. Sometimes there's even tension between Samson Society facilitators because, they too are men. At times, this tension is managed with relational distance coupled with an intentioned reduction in communication. And I would argue that this tends to be a risky approach due to the fact that solid communication is always, always a key to success relative to relationships, organizations, etc. Satan will undoubtedly use this easy out to his advantage in weakening the relationship.
I write all of this primarily for me myself to read. For I'm no better than any other man at keeping my head clear of judgmental thinking. One of the primary attributes (character traits) of Mr. Nate Larkin is humility (I'm so fortunate to know him and to have witnessed this personally). He literally reeks of it. And as the author / creator of the Samson Society, I continue to bestow much admiration on him because of that particular approach to leading / modeling towards involvement within (how to) the Samson Society community.
In closing, the best way to not commit slander is to steer clear of filling your noggin with judgment about anyone or any group. And if you cannot cease from doing this, it may be best to remove yourself from the community 'till you mature a bit more within that vein.
For once it's out of your mouth, it's not ever going back.
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