Wednesday, May 28, 2025 (Entry #1)
Flynn's Story with Porn
I cannot recall exactly the first time I saw pornography, but I do know a moment early in my life that sticks out to me that involves it.
It was me, my younger brother Jasper, and our close friend Ryan upstairs at our old house. I believe it was a weekend night, and we had a computer up there. I don’t know why or how, but I proceeded to type in an explicit website and explore it with them. From what I can remember, Ryan and I, around 11 years old, and Jasper, around 8 years old, stared in awe at the naked bodies and graphic acts being depicted on the screen. After a few minutes, likely upon hearing my parents downstairs, I remember leaving the site. As we looked at it and afterwards, I remember feeling that what I was doing and did was wrong. Looking back now, I feel tremendous remorse for exposing my little brother and friend to that site and what it contained. I do not know if it what was the first time I viewed pornography, but it certainly carried with it a lot of shame and guilt. Sadly, I still frequently experience those emotions today. I still engage pornography and masturbate. I find myself alone and isolated and filled with regret and sorrow after having committed these actions. I find myself yearning to be free of the allure of pornography and able to see the beauty of people as they are, the way God sees them.
Experience with porn
- Very often, when porn becomes attractive to me (usually only days after a fall) again, the fantasy I am picturing in my head is far different than the videos I end up watching on the screen. In my head, while lustful, it is less detailed (more sensual than sexual). In reality, I end up binging on 1-2 hours of increasingly graphic material.
- Porn offers me a “relief” from the burden and stressors of daily life. The actors and actresses always accept me and I never have to compromise or risk embarrassment.
- As someone who is constantly curious, porn provides me with novelty and adventure. True or false, I have come to believe that others do not see me as interesting or worthy of deeper examination (or perhaps I am too insecure to let them?), so porn and masturbation give me a means to explore and experiment with my sexuality.
- When I am watching porn and masturbating, I feel free from the confines and rigidity of morals and acceptable social behavior.
- Porn puts me in a position of power and gives me the autonomy to relinquish it.
Why do I think I watch porn?
In a lot of ways, because I have been using it for so long, it is the only way I know how to somewhat satiate my sex drive on a given day.
It is alluring for me to see people, usually very physically attractive people, behave in a way so freewheeling and with self-abandon. I believe, rightly or wrongly, this can never be me in real life, so watching others do so is the next best thing.
I do not have great self-confidence when it comes to intimacy or even talking deeply with members of the opposite sex. The male performers on the contrary exhibit it in spades. The visceral nature and immersion of porn videos these days allows me to try to live vicariously through them.
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