My first Silas had / has an addiction to alcohol (& porn) that resulted (2015) in him receiving his first (& only) DUI whilst traveling for work within beautiful Louisiana. Interestingly enough, it was his son who'd originally attended a Samson Society meeting, and as such, this fortunate juncture (between his son and the First Baptist Church Jackson Samson Society group) resulted in the perfectly timed referral.
Years ago, a client of mine from north Mississippi admitted too to receiving a DUI (also his first & only). I couldn't help but ask him for permission to tell my story in response to his quagmire (he'd just applied for some individual insurance coverage via my family business), and thankfully, he was open to that. From there, I asked about his porn use, and this question took him aback. I asked specifically if it was chronic - to any degree - whatsoever. He stated that he only used porn whilst drinking alcohol, and this piqued my interest as to the deeply effective means alcohol has of lowering one's inhibitions.
Me being a teetotaler - in contrast to my first Silas' lifelong relationship with alcohol (& subsequently porn) - forced me to do a lot of soul searching relative to what exactly was behind my chronic use of online smut. For I wasn't under the influence of any drug whilst consuming, yet I had no inherent revulsion to it. Instead, it was almost as if I'd literally struck gold.
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Gay porn is photos / videos of men having sex with either themselves or each other, and having lived within Mississippi all of my life, I'd never witnessed this 'till the Internet came on the scene in the late '90s. It's heady stuff that's repulsive to many men, but not all. Before I encountered it online, I'd only imagined sexual activity between men, but I'd never witnessed any version of it - live or Memorex. Therefore, the Internet opened a doorway for me that should never have been opened, yet because of that exposure, many good outcomes were the result as I'll describe in short order.
Two powerfully evocative emotional responses happened at once when this door was opened for Rob.
1. I no longer felt alone as a man with my particular sexuality.
2. I was mesmerized by the infinite amount of pornographic imagery available online combined with the unbelievable beauty and captivating nature of those images.
What number 1 primarily did for me was invoke deep seated sadness and confusion that was rooted in how obviously vulnerable men like myself were to sexual sin and exploitation. All the while, number 2 spurred me on to consume, consume, consume. As if I was making up for lost time / opportunity. Combining these two was heart wrenching for me to take. For I consistently realized that I was neither helping myself nor these gay porn models in the process.
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I was working at an architecture firm back in the late '90s when all of this Internet porn exposure came to fruition within my life. And the work was interesting and rewarding, but when Angie and I had our first daughter, I needed an additional job to make our budget work each month (she chose to become a stay-at-home mom). That side job came in the form of janitorial work (at the same architecture firm I was employed at full-time). This, combined with a horribly demonic newborn baby girl (who didn't sleep completely through the night 'till she was well over one-year-old), did nothing to stave off my thirst for Internet gay porn.
These were back during the days of dial-up Internet access, therefore we're talking here about very constricted consumption compared to today. Nonetheless, even this slow-as-molasses access was enough to wrangle me into a seriously emotionally drained mess - day after day - as it harkened back to what I described above.
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The first sizable course correction for me - which came as a result of the ease of access to Internet gay porn - was my desire to find a job that would relinquish me from sitting in front of a computer all day doing nothing more than repetitive grunt / layman's work. It wasn't that I minded grunt work nor looked down on it. In actuality, grunt work was peaceful and low, low stress. But, I couldn't give it the focus I needed to with an Internet browser icon staring back at me seductively.
Therefore, this resulted in me taking the necessary risks involved in moving jobs, and for Rob, this just happened to result in a move from the private to the public sector. And this move enabled me to embrace a much more administrative role that was anything but repetitive. And I really loved and felt proud to be doing this work (for my home state, no doubt) as a 34-year-old Mississippi architect.
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The second sizable course correction for me had to do with courage. Seeing the scores of naked men participating in all manner of sexually charged poses / activities inspired me to cease hiding what my true needs were. I believe that the majority of gay sex - whether it's photographed or not - is an outgrowth of men needing / longing for community at its most basic, animalistic, instinctual level. Men emote most efficiently in and through sexual activity of any ilk. This is how God made us.
I've heard stories from young Samson guys who've experienced difficult heterosexual romantic breakups, and as a result, driven to NOLA in order to frequent gay bars in pursuit of hookups. Hookups to placate their implied "now & forever" loneliness funk. This may sound extreme, but it points back to men's "special connection" between their brain's emotional core and their genitals.
Too, during this time, I was happily married, yet not known - truly known - by any other men.
Therefore, I began looking online for a friend. Someone that God might bring my way who could relate to Rob's situation / identity. And that person came in the form of an Aussie name Scott who blessed me tremendously with his loyalty and encouragement as a Christian friend for +/-18 exuberantly joy-filled months. From there, I began to talk about my story with more and more Christian (and eventually pagan) men. Thankfully, the reactions I received were supportive and helpful if not completely demonstrative of genuine respectfulness towards my situation. This, in turn, convinced me to expand my horizons that much further.
Eventually, I did find that just having one, two or three men - in the know - regarding my story, wasn't enough. The circle needed to be ever widened. Hence, I began blogging, and that's when The Architect's Garage blogspot was born. By the time that blog (5-year lifespan) gained traction online, I was having close to +/-75 visitors (hits) a day from readers all over the globe. It was a phenomenally effective and super convenient mouthpiece for Rob and his unique story.
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The third sizable course correction for me had to do with my physical health. Gay porn blatantly reminded me that men were image bearers of God, therefore there was a responsibility there to take care of one's physical self. At age 36, I began strength training regularly, and at age 37 or 38, I segued into combining that with distance running. As a result, my physical body changed for the better alongside my health. Plus, it gave me credence to work towards overcoming my anxiety relative to the gym / locker rooms. And over time, I did overcome that anxiety by God's grace, but it was not at all easy.
On the flip side of this, I absolutely DID NOT go overboard here. I knew by overdoing it, (more than twice a week in the gym) I would torpedo my goal of lifelong longevity. And though I'm likely not the sexiest, swolest guy as a result, that's okay. Consistency / longevity should be every man's end goal when it comes to physical fitness. Not specific results or gains. I believe this wholeheartedly.
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The fourth sizable course correction for me had to do with constraints. Gay porn opened my eyes to just how certain situations weren't workable - on any level - for Rob, no matter how hard I tried to make them work. And this pointed back to my vocation. In particular, the setting therein.
I experience a sort of emotional nirvana whilst surrounded by men (very similar to a much greater degree to the short circuit available via the consumption of gay porn), and this state of mind allows me, at times, to clearly see myself. And this is AWESOME. Yet, though these experiences are fantastic, they take their toll if they're prolonged. Why? This state of emotional connection with men allows me to see / feel what they're seeing / feeling, therefore these experiences must be rationed. Otherwise, I get overwhelmed to the point that I can't process much of anything except what these other individuals have given me the opportunity to "upload". Because of this, I've been dubbed "highly sensitive". Perhaps that's a true descriptor. Whatever it is, I cannot handle certain situations but for very controlled lengths of time before I need to return to my sarcophagus. Alone.
In summary, too much of this masculine groupthink results in me experiencing emotional overload, and when I reach that state of mind, I'm unable to find my center under just about any circumstance.
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Do I thank God for Internet gay porn? No, of course not. But I do believe he's used something meant for so much evil to my advantage. At least relative to my refinement as a man.
Many years ago, I had an online Christian friend who explained to me how his participating in a handful of gay sex trysts had firsthand opened his eyes to the abnormalcy of homosexual practices. Now, I realized then as well as now that hearing this wasn't / shouldn't give license for me (or other Christian men) to sin. Instead, it was speaking to the sovereignty of God - even over evil itself. And it encouraged me to recognize that shame must not become so consuming that it blinds us to God's goodness and faithfulness even within the hardest of places to discuss / admit to / ruminate over.
God is no prude. He's not the church lady. Plus, he's knows how terribly vulnerable we are here within this fallen world of ours, and I believe we forget how sensitive he is to that truth. Therefore, never underestimate how holistically clever he truly can be within his pursuit of your heart / faithfulness to him. It is mind boggling to chronicle, if you'll just take the time to do so.
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