(Entry #8)
Numbness – Apathy – Perseverance
Last night I relapsed, yet again. I acknowledge the steps I have taken up to this point to cut off access to explicit material, but in the back of my head, whether true or false, I believe I have known I would always find a way to get to porn. Today I am discouraged and feel defeated. As the title of this entry reads, my headspace is a mixture of numbness and apathy. With conviction, I feel what I am doing is wrong during and after self-pleasuring to porn, but at the same time, I feel like I cannot manage to live without it.
This is where I am at today. Long ago I heard the analogy that life is like a major highway with many lanes. Sometimes some lanes will be clogged and progress will be slow, and at the same time other lanes might have traffic humming along. I think this is an apt description of where I at least feel I am at. I am making progress and being diligent in regard to my new job and the move to a new place. But my recovery seems like it is at a standstill. In this circumstance, perseverance seems to me to be not losing faith that this lane will eventually open up.
(Entry #9)
Frustration and Anger
This post on the surface does not seem to me to be recovery related. But, in giving it some more thought, really everything in life is recovery related in at least some tangential way.
Today I have ran into some bumps with onboarding for my new job and securing a new place to live. I genuinely feel both were not the result of a mistake on my end, but I believe I have responded poorly to their popping up. I quickly grew frustrated, even angry, at what I perceived to be someone’s error causing me an issue or annoyance. A response from me was time-sensitive, and multi-tasking has never been my strong suit. I did not heed the wise words of the great basketball (and life) coach John Wooden: “Be quick, but don’t hurry.”
In these moments in the future, I hope I can remember that the grace God displays towards me for my faults is infinitely more than any I can share with another person in one given instance.
The issues are not fully resolved as of now, so I might get the opportunity to put this principle into practice. I pray I do if that is the case.
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