Flynn's Recovery Journal (Entry #7)

Restlessness 

As long as I can remember, I have been a person with an abundance of nervous energy. It manifests in various ways depending on the circumstances. During conversation with someone I don’t know very well, I might smile and nod excessively. When I’m anticipating a call or an important meeting/task, I likely will go to town on making sure my immediate surroundings are neat and orderly. I do not view this trait as a character defect but rather as a personality trait that I try to be aware of and address when overly activated. (At one point in my life, I was crippled by OCD. While interrelated, these anxious “ticks” I view as distinct.) 

I have never been one to be able to sit still, and the advent of the smart phone and the intertwining of our lives with technology has only exacerbated this in my life. This is well and good when there are things to get done and as a preventative measure against laziness, but what about when I have put in a long day’s work and need to allow my body and mind to rest and recharge? 

For so long, I have passed up these opportunities for true rest because of my craving of stimulation. In addition to the physiological aspect of my struggle with porn (the belief I have cultivated that I need it to temper my sex drive at a given time), I think this part of me is also a significant contributor. 

A newspaper headline I saw months ago read, “When You’re Bored, Pay Attention,” and too often I haven’t been able to sit with myself and my thoughts. My automatic action in such moments (when I am alone, and especially just before going to sleep) is to retreat to the bathroom and self-pleasure. In these next weeks of high volume and quick turnaround as I move to Washington, DC for work, I hope to further recognize that my relationship with and dependence on porn is a lot more than sexual. That may be the primary driver of my initial attraction to it, but like most things, following through and making a habit does not have a singular cause. 

Next time I am presented with time to myself, my goal is to use it to deepen my understanding of myself through journaling here rather than languish in shame in God knows where.