The Suicide Epidemic Deserves Our Attention (thegospelcoalition.org)
Tuesday, April 30, 2024
Saturday, April 27, 2024
Thursday, April 25, 2024
Resist Being Relationally Territorial Within Samson Society. Remember, You're Only "Brothers" In Concept Alone. Nonetheless, Never Stop Considering The Relational "What If?"
Being an only child helps me in this regard. I've no siblings to mar my relational outlook.
What I mean by that is, (as a child) I always had to placate myself to the expectation that any and all friendships would be unpredictable / nonpermanent. This point of view allowed me to stay hopeful, putting more energy towards the "What If?" versus the "Please don't leave me!".
(For I desperately needed friends.)
How did I do this?
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My favorite rock band throughout my childhood was Heart. Had the two female band members not been sisters, I doubt the allure would have been nearly as strong. Through Ann and Nancy, I vicariously enjoyed having / observing a sibling(s).
What was so obvious to me about these two was the "order of operation" baked into the relationship. Now, for those of you who know Heart well, you're privy to the fact that Ann wasn't the oldest child within the family. There was an older sister still who just happened to not be a musician. But if you know anything about these two rock 'n roll superstars, there's a definitive hierarchy combined with a steadfast, implicit value anchorage.
In essence, Ann Wilson was the lead, and both sisters recognized the fact that they were far more valuable as a pairing than individually.
Both Ann and Nancy Wilson have recorded solo work. In fact, Ann did so firstly by agreeing to perform within a rock duet (movie soundtrack from the mid '80s). Eventually, Nancy did the same, though her efforts felt much more unsyncopated (in spite of the song's airplay) / unnecessary.
When both sisters partner as song composers, they credit a pseudonym, "Connie" within the liner notes. I've always like this. It implies the seamlessness between the two, both carrying equal weight. And that's cool.
In the not-too-distant past, Ann and Nancy Wilson had a public falling out. This resulted in both women rocking (recording / touring) separately for a season. Now they've made up and are once again together as if it never occurred.
Why?
Because they're family. As such, there's simply too much historical alikeness / sensibilities to not effectively keep them together.
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I'm leery of friendships within this community that feel contrived. I've been down that road with Samson brothers who're interested in befriending me, having received no indicators that I feel the same.
Taking risks for Rob = feeling masculine.
This is my / many men's secret sauce pertaining to acting on the "What if?".
Personally, I especially like strong intelligence, but the rarefied attraction between two potential brothers involves identifying and acknowledging (being sympathetic to) his zone. And doing so in a way that solidifies his trust in you / your trust in him. This acknowledging will undoubtedly take creativity and a whole lot of deliberateness.
His / your zone = Whatever keeps a man up at night
Maybe it's work or children or his / your health (recovery?). Whatever it is, if you / he can find a means to support him / you therein, doing so creatively and very intentionally, he's / you're demonstrating two things.
Firstly, your understanding of who you are / he is. Secondly, your / his willingness to do the work needed to be "brotherly" in that regard.
Ann Wilson loved music well before starting her band. Not long after, Nancy joined too, bringing her guitar-playing skillset, songwriting ability, but mostly, she brought her willingness to support sis within an endeavor / "zone" that was no doubt her first love.
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In closing, Heart's success as a rock band went into stratosphere during the MTV era of the 1980s. And much of that had to do with the production team they agreed to work with. A team that understood the era / cultural impact of music video production and how integral it was becoming to influence fandom (drive record sales / airplay).
Putting the dolled-up sisters on display, never too far from one another onscreen, did wonders to intrigue audiences (me). For not only did they look similar, but there was simply a sibling rapport that was unmistakable. Not to mention the fact that they were a lot easier on the eyes than Eddie & Alex or Chris & Rich.
Decades of time together, supporting / showing love whilst making entertaining music for all of us to enjoy = success all around.
Your close brotherly friendships within Samson Society should be just as celebrated. For they're no doubt similarly influential / entertaining to observe (despite the differences in last names).
Tuesday, April 23, 2024
Intentional Touch / Body Proximity, For Many Men, Is The Superior Way To Confirm Brotherly Love
Back in 2007-2008, I found myself withering on the vine via (authentic) platonic isolation (an ideal situation for Rob's uninhibited gay porn consumption or worse...). It hadn't been long (October '06) since I'd left my job in the private sector to work for the State of Mississippi. And I was honored to take that position, but it was nearly instantaneously obvious that I wouldn't be making close friends there. As such, I had no desire to look back towards my vocational peers from the past either.
The Internet (Yahoo! Groups specifically) came to my rescue. Thanks be to God.
Scott, my newfound Aussie friend, was a master of the language arts. It wasn't long before the "L" word was rolling off his tongue. And I delighted in that, reciprocating blithely, for I'd never had another man say that word to me. But I have to admit that it felt a bit hollow and quite forced. For I'd never met Scott in person. Instead, it was simply email and telephone / Skype calls that worked to congeal our relationship to the best of our ability. Eventually, our very long-distance friendship diminished in relevance within my mind, and much to his chagrin, we took a one-year break.
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Within the Samson Society, there's no shortage of hugs and "L" words. Simply attend an Intensive or National Retreat, and you'll see what I'm referring to. Arguably, it's the language of Samson. In that regard, we're the gayest group of (mostly) straight men you'll likely ever encounter.
Sidenote: When I was a senior in high school, I gifted a neighbor friendboy (same age) a mixtape. This friend had unexpectedly come back into my life during that one year, having moved away the summer prior to our sixth-grade year. Despite both our (historical) platonic closeness as elementary-age boys (we were "best friends") as well as our (senior year) reestablished proximity, our friendship DID NOT "pick up where we left off". Defeated and acting somewhat neurotic, I refused to give up hope. And that's where the high school graduation mixtape gift idea came to fruition. Unsurprisingly, it detonated any semblance of remaining dignity within our friendship bond.
No gifting mixtapes please.
Within certain cultures, best friends hold hands - in public - as a symbol of their love / commitment to each other. You'll never see that amongst pirate monks, though I do think there's some merit to that innocent gesture.
But what about men who have no interest in Samson Society, yet are just as fiercely loyal as friends (if not more so)? How should we express love to them in a way that's respectfully effective?
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Here's an overall qualifier:
One of the greatest gifts the Samson Society has afforded me is practice loving on men. Especially from the standpoint of catering that love specifically to that individual man.
I have rarely hugged a man who's not / who wasn't involved in Samson Society (except within circumstances that were quite forced / awkward).
So how do I respectfully communicate love sans the fraternity of Samson Society providing oversight / ground rules / safety?
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Here in Mississippi, arguably the greatest fear of parents of boys is that they'll end up / turn out gay. Having a homosexual son is a massive point of shame here in the Magnolia State. As such, these children are usually written off completely / ignored outright within traditional southern communities. And I believe this is primarily due to how dismissed / frowned upon any dialogue (identifier) regarding sexuality is within the buckle of the Bible Belt. Hence, boldly proclaiming / admitting to one's same-sex attraction (& admitting to enjoying acting out on it) is akin to openly discussing one's viewpoint on southern race relations / Catholicism. It amounts to instantaneous relational ostracism.
As such, it's what drives middle to upper / middle to upper-class white parents to elevate / ratify hetero norms to the nth degree (in hopes of future-proofing their boy's budding sexuality).
For example, these teenage boys are given full-size pickups to drive NO MATTER WHAT. Is there no more hetero-normal vehicle than a body-on-frame full-size, gas-guzzling truck? Absolutely not!
And preferably, it should be a domestic-designed / manufactured truck. Toyota / Nissans simply aren't as hetero-normal as Ford and Chevrolet / GMC.
I could go on. (Travel) team sports, boy scouts (tent camping), hunting / fishing and so forth.
Oh, and if the full-size truck is customized (Carolina squat / rims, glass packs, etc.), all the more peace-of-mind parents can obtain regarding their son's unfettered sexual attraction towards wet vaginas.
Straight son = parenting job well done.
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Intentional touch. Mostly via handshakes, but on occasion, via a grasp (strong grip) or tap. But also, there's the art of body proximity / politics.
It's that shared space between two brothers. Whether you're stationed together within a battalion, swimming semi-nude within a river, working out together or simply leaning over the empty bed of a (domestic) PICKUP TRUCK chewing the fat.
Men's bodies radiate relational energy. It's like a scent / body aroma that only the canines are actually privy to. Therein, you mix that with your brother via proximity and emotional affirming can most certainly occur. Powerfully. Effortlessly. Simply by spending time together. It truly is magical to witness / experience.
And I would argue there's a lot to be said for this approach in terms of its subtleness. Healthy men desire nothing greater than the respect of other men / women within their lives. Understanding how to effectively express love candidly yet respectfully towards your special friend, I would argue, is key to sustaining said friendship.
It took me a long time to learn this.
And you don't have a drive a full-size truck to do this well (though your friend may very well need to own one).
You're welcome.
Friday, April 19, 2024
Samson Society / Recovery Related Podcasts
PODCASTS
If you are not already taking advantage of this free resource, we encourage you to subscribe to the podcast made by pirate monks for pirate monks. We have interviews with some of the best voices in the community that can offer insights into your recovery journey. You can subscribe to the "Pirate Monk Podcast" on your favorite app or listen directly right here: https://samsonsociety.com/.Tuesday, April 16, 2024
Promoting The Samson Society In Tandem With Word Of Mouth
Please find a Samson Society flyer embedded herein for your use
Be Wary Of Attending National Christian Men's Conferences / Events. They Can Quickly Go Sideways (Based On My Experience / Observation). That Is, Unless You're Into That Sort Of Thing (Most Samson Guys Aren't).
National Christian men's conferences (1,000+ men) are unique. My first exposure to them was "Promise Keepers" back in the '90s. If I remember correctly, I believe I attended three of these (three separate years). Two in Dallas, TX (Texas Stadium) with Robert, Sr. (my dad) and one in NOLA (SuperDome) with my best friend at the time.
We (primarily First Baptist Church Jackson members) left at dawn, here in Jackson, for all of these out-of-town all-Saturday men's gatherings. Traveling by motor coach, it felt as if we were the middle / upper to upper class Christian white brigade.
I remember liking the notion of a Christian men's conference that brought the throngs together for a big, one-day event.
Why shouldn't I?
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It was during the second Dallas, TX "Promise Keepers" where things went off-the-rails. One of the speakers happened to be black, and he was a fantastic presenter / speaker. After his 45-minute commentary (I have no memory of his topic because of what occurred immediately following), the head facilitator of that particular "Promise Keepers" event felt so moved to publicly beg for forgiveness for being a white man bigot. He did so down on his knees in front of the speaker - right there on the platform, and all of this felt completely unscripted (who knows if it actually was). This begging & weeping went on and on and on to the point that it was obvious our time / energy / purpose to/of attend(ing) said conference was being hijacked via this stunt. Plus, it simply didn't feel appropriately respectful of the setting for this dude to go about this in this way. Everyone was thinking the same thing: Why didn't he simply set some time aside privately to address his personal convictions with the token black speaker one-on-one?
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I've met a number of men through the years whose anger regarding situations (& not necessarily nearly as large a gathering) like what I've described above continue to smolder. And it's just enough to keep them from attending ANY version of a Christian men's conference - no matter the scale or what org its affiliated with (including Samson Society) ever again.
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Here's the truth. The primary reason (the vast majority of) men attend church is because their wives / girlfriends insist they go. Likewise for tithing / volunteering at the church house. Otherwise, these ladies will no longer be present within these dudes' lives. Men, on their own, do not gravitate towards church. You're simply never going to hear a schoolboy say, "When I grow up, I want to be a deacon."
To motivate men (who're not in immediate personal crisis) to attend - ALONE - a relatively "low-cost" Christian men's conference / retreat for a day (or so) takes supernatural motivation. As such, the programming must be top tier. And not only from the standpoint of who's presenting but what they're presenting regarding. Plus, they simply need to be speakers who're comfortable speaking exclusively to men, being sympathetic, first & foremost, to their masculine audience.
Why?
It's a hard, hard row to hoe. For men are hard-wired to critique as they're rubbing their hairy shoulders against other (strange) men versus going about their daily, very comfortable, very active routine (back home).
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Now for my segue.
Please consider attending the inaugural 2024 Samson Society Recovery Marathon. You can find more info here: Home - Recovery Marathon.
Why?
It's a cool idea that's being spearheaded by none other than Dr. Tom Moucka (Director of Samson House).
For the reasonable price of $145.00 you essentially have full control / ownership of your inclusion / degree of participation within this particular all-day men's conference experience. Plus, you'll receive teaching from twelve extremely diverse individuals who're passionate about walking with Samson guys through recovery. This Sunday, (4/21) event has Rob's full endorsement. Especially considering the baked in flexibility / approachability via the digital venue.
I'm willing to bet they'll be no distractions / surprises either (knowing Tom as well as I do). Hence, if this suits you, please sign up today! Sunday, (4/21) is in five days.
Monday, April 15, 2024
The Night He Got Jumped By His Former Youth Pastor / It Took Two To Tango / Was This An Isolated Incident? - Stories That Resonate
It is not getting any easier admitting to my neediness. Over the past quarter (& then some), my wife has been working 12-hour days (home office), and because she's a night owl, most of her workday has been well past 5 PM. As such, a typical evening (throughout the workday and weekend) consisted of tiptoeing in order to not disturb her grind. And it was my privilege to step up in this regard.
Since she became physically disabled due to her May 2020 stroke, a lot of additional housework naturally fell on my shoulders. Thanks be to God we live in a manageably scaled home (with a small yard)! Too, only having one additional kidlet (of three total) at home (who's the epitome of obedience and cooperation) to feed / tend to, helps tremendously.
My wife is quite ambitious and very, very capable as a sole proprietor. Her clients almost immediately recognize this, and therefore lean into her professional services (she's a CPA).
But where does that leave our marriage - during ramp up / intensely busy seasons?
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Twice last week, I delved back into gay porn. And of note is how I hit repeat regarding one video I stumbled across in particular (this is very rare for me to do). The models within this particular vignette were having some passionately dramatic sex, and I mean passionate with a capital P. In fact, there was more emphasis therein than on your typical hyper close-up genitalia shots. It felt more like a Hallmark version of Colt Studio than anything else.
But what was truly relevant was the following. It felt like a porn video made exactly for me for such a time as that / this.
Thursday, (4/11) I began to reckon with just how emotionally needy I truly am at this time, having endured this last quarter.
My wife and I went out to eat Saturday night at a fairly new restaurant close to our abode. It was fantastic to steal away as such! But man, we have a long way to go pertaining to regaining our regularly scheduled marital footing, and it was apparent that neither of us wanted to admit to this.
Nonetheless, both of us realize that marriage is seasonal, and that there'll always be emotional connection pauses that occur, circumstances being whatever they may be.
They are so not fun though, and arguably leave us both vulnerable to outside forces / temptations.
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Years ago, I attended a Samson Society story retreat over a weekend. This was my second story retreat, and I was happy to once again support my old friend, Mr. Chris Inman, therein. A fellow attendee shared a "story of shame" that Saturday afternoon involving his former youth pastor jumping him late one night.
Apparently, this story retreat attendee had (post high school) further befriended, as an adult, his youth pastor. As such, the youth pastor had divulged his struggle with same-sex attraction (he was single) to this now married with multiple small children (with another on the way) man.
That friendship naturally matured and continued to warrant time together, and during this particular then recent juncture, the two men were sleeping over at the youth pastor's place. And that's where the unexpected sexual advance occurred.
As a result, the younger man immediately fled the scene. The understandable reactional stress motivated him then to reach out to his parents for support. Frustratingly, they (particularly his mother) felt their son was overreacting, taking into account the tenured friendship as well as the youth pastor friend's spotless platonic / parochial record.
At the conclusion of this tale, all I clearly remember is this dude was tremendously angry. Tremendously angry. At both his former youth pastor friend / mentor as well as his parents (combined with the world at large).
I've thought about that story for years and years. I attempted to follow up with the guy not long after the retreat was over in order to hopefully understand / flesh out more details, but to no avail. He was absolutely not interested in talking to same-sex attracted Rob (can you blame him?).
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Last summer, a new potential friend (completely unaffiliated with Samson Society) literally fell out of the sky into my sphere of influence. My aforementioned younger daughter and I had volunteered for a Saturday mission trip (with our church) to Greenwood. This new friend volunteered too in spite of his family not being a member of our congregation. If you've read previous blog posts, hearing of this guy is old news.
What makes this new friend so special to Rob is twofold:
1. His physical presence is intimidating. This coupled with his reserved persona only add to his exceedingly foreboding posture. It's important to know that my masculine archetype is very much in line with physical attributes that telegraph the notion of "mysterious threat". I have no idea why that is. I've just learned to roll with it.
2. I'm his first true "big city" (urban / suburban) friend outside of his extended family. Hence, I want to serve him well as such, being mindful of my influence.
He and I are geared up for around-the-bend warmer days. Days where we can take our girls swimming, kayaking, exploring the Mississippi out-of-doors. These are anticipated future memories that engender me with sizable opportunities to BE SEEN whilst seeing him vulnerably.
I cannot emphasize enough how restorative these experiences will be to my soul. Our friendship was so embryonic last summer that what few we had like these felt almost surreal - for both of us - in and of themselves. Mostly due to how unexpectedly initial common ground we found both of ourselves enjoying. As such, summer 2024 awaits...
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The questions before I close.
- Will I ever truly come to understand how effectively educated I've become via Samson Society in terms of healthy (modeled & otherwise) male-to-male relationships?
- By receiving the raw emotion (positive or negative) from another Samson guy, in light of his experience with the unexpected, does this exposure qualify as truly vicarious or is it simply me being a novel spectator? Furthermore, what constitutes either side of that experiential equation?
- Knowing that my new local friend isn't a Samson guy, will that insure, to some degree, the longevity of our friendship (less competition / him not being a pervert as I am)?
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Samson Society emphasizes recovery, and it most certainly should. But, an indirect benefit, is the opportunity to become immensely respectful of brotherly love male friendship - both inside & outside of this community. Regardless, those couplings truly are supernatural - especially here at middle-age. And, of course, they're absolutely just as, if not moreso, supportive therein within their own unique way.
Thanks be to God for men, image-bearers of the living God.
Saturday, April 13, 2024
What Is A Silas?
Here is what our experience tells us: You can get sober from anything going to meetings, but you can’t stay sober just going to meetings. That’s why, in the end, it isn’t even about the meetings. The meetings are a portal into the brotherhood. Samson really lives BETWEEN the meetings in relationships, conversations, friendships. Christianity, properly understood, is a team sport, not an individual event. We’ve been failing because we’ve been playing the wrong game! If we play 1-on-1 against a superior opponent, we will fail.
The lead person on your team we call a Silas. He is the one you are in regular communication with. There is an element of accountability, but it is not focused on sin management. If I just focus on the behavior, I run the risk of mastering that specific behavior and becoming a self-righteous Pharisee. Instead, I give another person (my Silas) real-time access to my whole life. What I’m feeling, thinking, doing, and thinking of doing.My Silas is not an expert. He is a guy on the same road walking the same direction. But when it comes to my life, he has an advantage over me – he’s not in it! That gives him a perspective on my life that I don’t have. There are whole parts of my life that I can’t see because I’m inside it. Like trying to read the label from inside the bottle.
Here are some of the things my Silas does:
- He gets to know my story.
- He remembers the things I tend to forget.
- He asks the questions I tend to avoid.
- He notices patterns I don’t see.
- He reminds me who I really am.
You are not imposing on him. He gets as much out of the relationship as you do. He needs you to call him. Everyone needs a few moments each day to get out of their own head and focus on another person.
Friday, April 12, 2024
Either Remove Yourself From The "Handful" Or HOLD ON 'Till Opportunity Presents Itself To
Think of the Beth Dutton, JR Ewing, Brenda Walshes specifically, and you'll understand where I'm coming from.
They're a lot more interesting to watch than Fred Rogers, aren't they?
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Television characters must exist on a disproportioned spectrum of reality. This is an outgrowth of theater where everything must be larger-than-life to truly be entertaining / keep the audience's attention.
But what gives when you find yourself living alongside one (or more) of these? Where do you go from there?
You know the answer to that one. Get the hell out of dodge.
Let's discuss the harder part of this equation. Preparing yourself to face these folks. Identification is key.
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My closest female friend in high school, Shannon, was one year my senior. She was very mature for her age and quite the contrarian when it came to both her style and interests. Shannon came from an upper-class family whereas I was very much middle-class. Her (Golden State) mother had remarried her attorney (Magnolia State) father after losing her first husband (Navy sailor) in a tragic submarine vanish. Both Shannon and her younger brother came from that second betrothal. This now blended family (her mother had birthed two daughters from her first husband) was one I always found intriguing to hang with as a teen for they were SO VERY unlike any other family I was close to.
And that unlikeness was spearheaded by Shannon's mom. A typical Mississippi suburban mom of the 1980s she was most definitely not. It was always a bit intimidating engaging with Jolene, even in passing (& I was by no means a shy teen). She was so intelligent, opinionated and articulate. The complete opposite of the familiar folksy, sweet and cornpone.
But I digress...
Shannon had an admirer who was two (or maybe three) years her junior at our small private academy. This younger girl was also in the marching band with Shannon (& I) even though she was only in middle school at the time.
It became immediately apparent to everyone that this young admirer was not at all well as it pertained to her admiration (obsession) of Shannon. For her behavior towards herself, Shannon and everyone else became unusually out of character for a middle-school girl.
How Shannon coolly handled this younger girl was absolutely empowering to witness. It was as if my friend literally had been born to navigate the relational dangers / complexities she'd found herself now saddled with.
I still look back on that with intrigue (as well as heartache). In the end, the younger girl was removed from school and institutionalized. Post release, she thankfully didn't return ot our small school. Nevertheless, I admired Shannon that much more for what she'd endured and modeled with such civility / compassion towards this junior (high) admirer.
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Shannon immediately identified her relationship with this younger girl as problematic. Especially so considering her somewhat "forced proximity" to her (fellow schoolmate / marching band member). From there, she did everything she could to shield herself from the girl. Much of her strategy consisted of fencing herself in via healthy, supportive friends.
But firstly, the miracle herein was her deep-seated sense of self protection versus what you might typically see from a female teen (manipulation, harassment, pandering, entitlement) who was the subject of said emotional (& eventually physical) stalking.
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Your well-being matters firstly. Even when you're tempted to compromise that in return for some prospective future reward / promotion / solidification / gratification. It's important to remember that. No matter the "rank" / position of family / friends / employers / leaders within your sphere of influence (or theirs), the most important consideration is your health firstly. For you cannot walk back stupid. For stupid is a past tense verb.
In closing, if it's not feasible to physically fence yourself in with healthier relations in light of the unhealthy influence, take the time to do so with God's spirit BEFORE engaging with the "handful". You most certainly can figuratively get the hell out of dodge via the Lord blanketing you throughout. Bank on that, don't lose hope.
Wednesday, April 10, 2024
A Hard Funeral(s) To Sit Through
Out of respect for my father, I attended a funeral (unrelated to family) today. This wasn't the first time I'd done this. When I was in high school, I attended a funeral with him. I remember it clearly, for the deceased had killed himself via suicide, leaving behind a boy who was only one or two years older than I (the boy went to my high school and the divorced dad had attended church with us).
That was my first hard funeral due to the tragedy tied to the cause of death.
This one today was tough, but mostly it had to do with the tragic, longstanding narrative tied to the deceased's family life.
The pastor who officiated (who was a family friend of the deceased) beat the drum of his dead mentor "loving Jesus" to the maximum. We mourners heard this over and over again. All the while, everyone there knew the dead man, nor his family members had not darkened the door of the church in decades. And the setting clearly spoke to this dichotomy. For the wake and funeral was held in a tee-ninny suburban funeral home parlor where the overflow crowd of mourners were all squeezed in like sardines within the repurposed pews.
At the outset of the service, the officiating pastor cited the book of Samuel, quoting scripture which captured David eulogizing Saul (post his suicidal death). That was fitting, but I don't believe many mourners picked up on the subtleties therein (is there no more anticlimactic Biblical figure than Saul?).
Not long after that opening salvo, the pastor used the word chaos to describe the deceased man's family, doing so right there in front of his widow, two daughters and all the grandchildren / great-grandchildren (they were all packed in too). He even went so far as to specifically cite the bastardization of the man's first grandchild (borne from his youngest daughter) as if it was yesterday's news.
Most of those in attendance likely knew the family when that particular shit hit the fan. The year was 1989. Understandably, his daughter's future (& their family's trajectory) was forever changed as a result, but what had to have made the greatest specific impact was the unshakable stigma they were now saddled with. Particularly considering their place as a well-established, upper-class Jacksonian family.
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What I'm going to say next is going to sound like a cop out, but I'm going to say it anyway because I believe it (& lived through it).
The 1980s weren't good to any of us white folks, and this family was (like so many) right within its crosshairs. I'm not blaming this decade of excess for their specific missteps, but you must realize that families were hit from two (if not more) sides during this decade.
1. Enormous economic success that was unparalleled. Especially for those who were put together and Dale Carnegie extroverted (as the deceased had been during that era). Most professionals were making money hand over fist (both earned & unearned) which precipitated enormous buying power for these. Constraint / "quiet living" along with temperance were ideas from the past that were outright mocked during this era. Everything, and I do mean everything was hinged on excess and immediate gratification, no matter the risk.
2. Massive shift in societal norms as it pertained to the prioritization of class / cliques / relational circles of influence. Autonomy was so very out. Country club status quo was everything and everywhere in the '80s. There was more chrome and hairspray, Porsche and Winnebago than had ever been seen prior here in America. For all of these veneers / brands screamed, "LOOK AT ME!" Arguably, all of the upper / middle-class family's identity was classed directly to these pleasurable platitudes, leaving it particularly vulnerable to headship neglect / distraction.
Considering both of these, time and energy to play within this particular arena massively downplayed what once was the bastion of familial importance:
The husband / father's role as protector. And not just via shielding but via exposure / knowledge / insight that's used to educate / shrew the family of cultural / societal deception risk(s).
The familial chaos cited by today's funeral pastor, I'm convinced, found both its origin and virility during this powerfully influential decade.
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Two distinct funerals. Considering both this one today and the one from my teenage years, both were tremendously hard to sit through but for different versions of tragic.
My dad thanked me at the conclusion of each for taking the time to attend. Because I was there to stand with him, I'm glad I did.
Saturday, April 6, 2024
Chipping Away At Your Ever-Present "Lust Noise"
These presently uber-popular prescription diabetes / weight loss pharmaceuticals (weekly injectables) claim to diminish the volume (think sound) of patient's "food noise" as they go about their day-to-day activities. Patients describe "food noise" as the Siren Song of eating. Hence, by reducing that noise, resisting compulsive food intake is made substantially easier.
Scientists don't understand exactly how this pharmaceutical works internally to accomplish this.
But I have a theory.
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You'll hear the notion of neuroplasticity A LOT within (virtual groups) Samson Society. This is the notion / theory that our brain can "rewire" itself, therein forming "new neuro-pathways" over time.
If you give credit to the meaning of the word plastic, it implies being shaped / formed ONCE into a new shape / form. It's a violent process that takes its fair share of energy to pull off.
There are certainly certain engineered forms of material plastics whose potential is designed-in to be easily recycled / reformed / repurposed, but mostly, the term plastic implies one significant "shaping" only. One and done. Use the newly shaped object and discard it.
Hence, scientific research now seems to point towards the fact that the brain isn't at all neuroplastic. Nonetheless, it can move towards new information / understanding, and as such, abandon routes used prior - once new ones are established. But this takes not only time but the will for the brain to move towards "blue ocean" (new territory). And as stated prior (whilst staying with my materials plastic analogy), this is a violent, energy-intense process for the brain to accomplish. All the while warranting no guarantee of true recovery return in the end.
Regarding the brain's willingness to do this, I'm convinced there must be motivation / motivators (positive or negative or some combination) therein. Otherwise, there's no true gain or win in doing so, and sans motivation / motivators (positive / negative), the mind won't be convinced.
And, based on personal experience / observation, that motivator needs to come (to some degree or another) in the form of seemingly uninterruptable / uninterrupted pain.
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A few weeks back, I hit the pause button on my role as a Silas to one particular young man. He and I had been walking closely together for +/-6 months.
Why did I do this?
There was no will for his brain to move towards blue ocean.
His upper-class life was absolutely defined by safety net after safety net after safety net. Whether it was his church, his parents, his wife, his role as a student (professional college), all around him were safety nets. There was no need for him to fear any real consequences related to choosing to indulge in compulsive sexual sin. For he was convinced that none of the safety nets would ever be removed as a result.
This young man was quite transparent with everyone within his sphere of influence (all mentioned above) regarding his illicit behavior, but as such, he knew he could continue to get away with it Scot-free.
No motivation to move towards blue ocean = zero chance of recovery.
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Committing / experiencing Samson Society, for Rob, has been rooted in blue ocean. My motivation came from the stifling, consistently debilitating emotional pain via my job loss back in September of 2013 (I'd broken my employer's IT policy). Via that emotional trauma, I developed PTSD which was hellacious. This 18-month brain torture positioned me - no holds barred - towards blue ocean. Not once did I look to anything familiar related to therapeutic healing. Instead, it was boots-on-the-ground, facing west (not once turning to the right or the left) and marching forward into the unknown.
I absolutely had to get help / healing for my tormented / traumatized brain.
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After the devastation of Hurricane Katrina (2005) in New Orleans, LA, Houston, TX stepped up and agreed to "receive" a massive number of impoverished (now homeless) New Orleanians who'd lost everything due to the storm. If I remember correctly, they were bussed to Houston, caravaning west in one accord.
The situation in NOLA immediately following the hurricane was bleak. Levees had failed which had precipitated massive flooding, utilities were down (water / electricity), and looting / crime were rampant. Keep in mind too that this was late August of that year. Temps were close to 100 at 100% humidity.
The housing within the Lower Ninth Ward of NOLA was literally wiped away by the storm, and no one truly realized just how apocalyptic the situation would become - literally overnight.
NOLA has been known for rampant crime for decades, and back then, things were no different. Much of this is fueled culturally via substance abuse. NOLA has always been a destination city (drunken tourism) that leaves little incentive to actually put down roots therein.
Houston, TX is about as culturally opposite to NOLA as one might imagine. And yet, here these poor homeless blacks were. There amongst, literally surrounded by, all those generous, cowboy-hat wearing Texans.
Most of them never left Houston. Even after being given an opportunity to return to a "rebuilt NOLA". For their lives were better thanks to the blue ocean experience they'd embarked upon.
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Compulsive sin is tied to memory.
That's what it comes down to. Memory and calculated risk.
You recall what you experienced prior (& how pleasurably rewarding it was), and from there, you make a decision to undergo a calculated risk to move, once again, in that direction. Your brain does this on repeat.
Memory is integral to the brain's motivation to never charting a new course (blue ocean).
I'm convinced these uber-popular "food noise" reducing drugs are targeting specific food memories within those who're prescribed these medications. And based on what I've read, many of these patients are also seeing a reduction in libido. This leads me to believe, even more, that pleasurable memory is what's being targeted, and that it's creeping over into other areas of patient's brains.
Once patients stop taking these drugs (injecting themselves weekly), the "food noise" returns instantly with exponential volume. This results in patients gaining even more weight (than they were prior to taking the meds) as they make up for lost glutton time. So, in many ways, it's like a medically-assisted fast, and once it's over with, it's time to celebrate at Golden Corral restaurant!
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Speaking personally (over the past almost ten years), I've experienced 5% recovery each year of being involved in Samson Society. I never missed a weekly meeting, whether I was attending or hosting. I have attended Samson Society intensive weekends, Samson Society story weekends, National Retreats year after year after year. Plus, I've connected with too many Samson guys to count, listening to story after story whilst praying earnestly with them at every given opportunity.
And I'm still doing this. Each and every week. Headed west. Not looking to either my left or my right.
I've grown to love the journey. It's so not mundane. Plus, I no longer feel enslaved to my brain's previous repetitive pursuits for those memories literally are essentially CLOSED ROADS.. And, I am so proud of myself for what I've done. Especially considering the high stakes involved in never truly seeing any return on my emotional / time investment.
Thanks be to God for Samson Society. It is BY NO MEANS a quick fix, but The Path led Rob in a holistically better direction. My brain is so much better off now than it was in August 2014 (when I first stepped foot into an in-person Samson Society meeting here in the Jackson Metro).
Friday, April 5, 2024
Resources For Couples In Recovery
Here're two resources ("check-in" / communication protocols) for couples who're in recovery together. The SAFER Check-In is a better starting point for couples who are just starting out in recovery. From there, FANOSS can be matured into.
Thursday, April 4, 2024
Wednesday, April 3, 2024
“Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint.” - Sunday, April 21, 7:00AM CDT to 7:00PM CDT
Announcing the Samson Society Recovery Marathon! The traditional 12 Steps in 12 Hours - with 12 outstanding presenters. This will be a healthy way to connect to the old recovery saying, “Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint.” The event is virtual and the exercise component can be anything from an actual marathon to walking around the block.
Sunday, April 21, 7:00AM CDT to 7:00PM CDT.Check out the speakers and register at https://na01.safelinks.protection.outlook.com/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.recoverymarathon.com%2F&data=05%7C02%7C%7C91859a1d1a504495544408dc5440d585%7C84df9e7fe9f640afb435aaaaaaaaaaaa%7C1%7C0%7C638477884639566407%7CUnknown%7CTWFpbGZsb3d8eyJWIjoiMC4wLjAwMDAiLCJQIjoiV2luMzIiLCJBTiI6Ik1haWwiLCJXVCI6Mn0%3D%7C0%7C%7C%7C&sdata=bXbdsycjvZGw7FGv7IM55j2HuwTl2%2F25MCOeFudsYGQ%3D&reserved=0
Finding A Virtual Samson Society Meeting
FINDING A VIRTUAL MEETING
You can search the website for virtual and in-person meetings at https://na01.safelinks.protection.outlook.com/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fsamsonsociety.com%2Fmeetings%2Fsearch%2F&data=05%7C02%7C%7C3a9f1fb9745a410613f208dc53e89044%7C84df9e7fe9f640afb435aaaaaaaaaaaa%7C1%7C0%7C638477505539017258%7CUnknown%7CTWFpbGZsb3d8eyJWIjoiMC4wLjAwMDAiLCJQIjoiV2luMzIiLCJBTiI6Ik1haWwiLCJXVCI6Mn0%3D%7C0%7C%7C%7C&sdata=9wHNiohMZFdcOLIbfNPwlh0ox2tgvyhf5ewdn1vtNoI%3D&reserved=0
Here a great walk-through video for how to find a virtual Samson meeting from the website: https://na01.safelinks.protection.outlook.com/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.useloom.com%2Fshare%2F9caa76fdcd2b44d9878e85b86a7aa1b2&data=05%7C02%7C%7C3a9f1fb9745a410613f208dc53e89044%7C84df9e7fe9f640afb435aaaaaaaaaaaa%7C1%7C0%7C638477505539028916%7CUnknown%7CTWFpbGZsb3d8eyJWIjoiMC4wLjAwMDAiLCJQIjoiV2luMzIiLCJBTiI6Ik1haWwiLCJXVCI6Mn0%3D%7C0%7C%7C%7C&sdata=4%2FKqcSoIGiMXdEOfW9x8vOHs3px6fHRXuzUvQV5RGdQ%3D&reserved=0
Tuesday, April 2, 2024
Overwhelming Recognition
Last week, I was approached by someone who's made an indelible, though very indirect, positive mark on my family. He's retirement age, though still working full-time, and as such, has recently embraced the perspective of preparing for the inevitable.
Over the past decade, I've only spoken to this family friend a handful of times - in spite of our vocational / professional proximity. Mostly, these short dialogues were necessitated out of politeness more than anything else. For he's always been all-business all the time (& I respect that).
When he approached me and shared his thoughts therein, I absolutely couldn't believe it. For it bolstered my identity tremendously. In fact, I'm still walking on air as a result.
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Within the Samson universe, I receive my fair share of recognition. And this is anchored within my tenure / notoriety within the org. And all of that recognition, I do not take for granted.
But having someone of this stature take the time to align himself with Rob, completely devoid of Samson protocols or otherwise (this man isn't even a practicing Protestant Christian), was absolutely shocking. For he made that choice based on his quiet day-to-day observation alone, over the past decade.
!?!?!?!?!
I never could have dreamed that this man, who's so well respected by so many, had been observing me so closely. And as such, had made the decision to align himself with the notion that I'm essentially equal to his younger self.
I'm actually wondering if this was someone's idea of a joke, but at the same time, I know deep down that's simply self-doubt creeping in.
If this man sticks to his word (& I have no reason to believe that he won't, for he's already taken pragmatic steps that align with his intentions), his recognition of Rob will alter my reach / influence tremendously - literally overnight, and in turn, the reach of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I'm humbled. Overwhelmed. Amazed at God's orchestration. I do not deserve this.
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