It is not getting any easier admitting to my neediness. Over the past quarter (& then some), my wife has been working 12-hour days (home office), and because she's a night owl, most of her workday has been well past 5 PM. As such, a typical evening (throughout the workday and weekend) consisted of tiptoeing in order to not disturb her grind. And it was my privilege to step up in this regard.
Since she became physically disabled due to her May 2020 stroke, a lot of additional housework naturally fell on my shoulders. Thanks be to God we live in a manageably scaled home (with a small yard)! Too, only having one additional kidlet (of three total) at home (who's the epitome of obedience and cooperation) to feed / tend to, helps tremendously.
My wife is quite ambitious and very, very capable as a sole proprietor. Her clients almost immediately recognize this, and therefore lean into her professional services (she's a CPA).
But where does that leave our marriage - during ramp up / intensely busy seasons?
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Twice last week, I delved back into gay porn. And of note is how I hit repeat regarding one video I stumbled across in particular (this is very rare for me to do). The models within this particular vignette were having some passionately dramatic sex, and I mean passionate with a capital P. In fact, there was more emphasis therein than on your typical hyper close-up genitalia shots. It felt more like a Hallmark version of Colt Studio than anything else.
But what was truly relevant was the following. It felt like a porn video made exactly for me for such a time as that / this.
Thursday, (4/11) I began to reckon with just how emotionally needy I truly am at this time, having endured this last quarter.
My wife and I went out to eat Saturday night at a fairly new restaurant close to our abode. It was fantastic to steal away as such! But man, we have a long way to go pertaining to regaining our regularly scheduled marital footing, and it was apparent that neither of us wanted to admit to this.
Nonetheless, both of us realize that marriage is seasonal, and that there'll always be emotional connection pauses that occur, circumstances being whatever they may be.
They are so not fun though, and arguably leave us both vulnerable to outside forces / temptations.
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Years ago, I attended a Samson Society story retreat over a weekend. This was my second story retreat, and I was happy to once again support my old friend, Mr. Chris Inman, therein. A fellow attendee shared a "story of shame" that Saturday afternoon involving his former youth pastor jumping him late one night.
Apparently, this story retreat attendee had (post high school) further befriended, as an adult, his youth pastor. As such, the youth pastor had divulged his struggle with same-sex attraction (he was single) to this now married with multiple small children (with another on the way) man.
That friendship naturally matured and continued to warrant time together, and during this particular then recent juncture, the two men were sleeping over at the youth pastor's place. And that's where the unexpected sexual advance occurred.
As a result, the younger man immediately fled the scene. The understandable reactional stress motivated him then to reach out to his parents for support. Frustratingly, they (particularly his mother) felt their son was overreacting, taking into account the tenured friendship as well as the youth pastor friend's spotless platonic / parochial record.
At the conclusion of this tale, all I clearly remember is this dude was tremendously angry. Tremendously angry. At both his former youth pastor friend / mentor as well as his parents (combined with the world at large).
I've thought about that story for years and years. I attempted to follow up with the guy not long after the retreat was over in order to hopefully understand / flesh out more details, but to no avail. He was absolutely not interested in talking to same-sex attracted Rob (can you blame him?).
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Last summer, a new potential friend (completely unaffiliated with Samson Society) literally fell out of the sky into my sphere of influence. My aforementioned younger daughter and I had volunteered for a Saturday mission trip (with our church) to Greenwood. This new friend volunteered too in spite of his family not being a member of our congregation. If you've read previous blog posts, hearing of this guy is old news.
What makes this new friend so special to Rob is twofold:
1. His physical presence is intimidating. This coupled with his reserved persona only add to his exceedingly foreboding posture. It's important to know that my masculine archetype is very much in line with physical attributes that telegraph the notion of "mysterious threat". I have no idea why that is. I've just learned to roll with it.
2. I'm his first true "big city" (urban / suburban) friend outside of his extended family. Hence, I want to serve him well as such, being mindful of my influence.
He and I are geared up for around-the-bend warmer days. Days where we can take our girls swimming, kayaking, exploring the Mississippi out-of-doors. These are anticipated future memories that engender me with sizable opportunities to BE SEEN whilst seeing him vulnerably.
I cannot emphasize enough how restorative these experiences will be to my soul. Our friendship was so embryonic last summer that what few we had like these felt almost surreal - for both of us - in and of themselves. Mostly due to how unexpectedly initial common ground we found both of ourselves enjoying. As such, summer 2024 awaits...
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The questions before I close.
- Will I ever truly come to understand how effectively educated I've become via Samson Society in terms of healthy (modeled & otherwise) male-to-male relationships?
- By receiving the raw emotion (positive or negative) from another Samson guy, in light of his experience with the unexpected, does this exposure qualify as truly vicarious or is it simply me being a novel spectator? Furthermore, what constitutes either side of that experiential equation?
- Knowing that my new local friend isn't a Samson guy, will that insure, to some degree, the longevity of our friendship (less competition / him not being a pervert as I am)?
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Samson Society emphasizes recovery, and it most certainly should. But, an indirect benefit, is the opportunity to become immensely respectful of brotherly love male friendship - both inside & outside of this community. Regardless, those couplings truly are supernatural - especially here at middle-age. And, of course, they're absolutely just as, if not moreso, supportive therein within their own unique way.
Thanks be to God for men, image-bearers of the living God.
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