Desperation To Fit In & Be Loved For What You Bring To The Mix

I've never been desperate to fit in amongst my peers, and I suppose this is due to my sexuality.  Knowing as a boy that I was potentially going to be seen as a threat or liability by someone within the group - by default - I learned early on to focus my emotional longings towards intense (chronic) sexual fantasy. 

Starting within childhood, all of us boys desperately work to find value within the mix of other boys (real or imagined).  And as a result, it doesn't take us long to adjudicate where we may precisely fit in - unless there's nowhere to fit in.  This desperation to fit within the mix can be especially torrential if we don't click with dad / within dad's community.  

For example:

Let's say a boy's legal guardians are his grandparents (his father's in-laws), and their guardianship has been from the boy's birth.  As a result, much of boy's masculine persona is imprinted upon him by his (grand)father (who's in no way genetically kin to the boy's biological father).  Yet, the bio dad spends some time with his son (a couple of weekends a month), and hopes for the boy to synchronize with his modus operandi (particularly as a teenager).  But, it ain't happening.  And then from there, both the bio dad and son find both heartache and frustration as a result, and their relationship suffers.

And, of course, the (grand)father simply looks on with a grin.  For better or worse.

The boy, on the other hand, may just asks himself, "Where do I go from here?  If I don't fit in with my own biological father, where can / do I fit in?"

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I loathe team sports.  Always have.  But, I'm in the minority here, and I've always recognized this.  All that being said, I admire boys' / men's passion for team sports despite my not relating to that passion.

Team sports exist for a number of reasons, but one, in particular, is to satiate the desperation boys (& girls) experience to fit into the mix.  They're looking for that synergy that comes with working together as a team.  Parents too vicariously experience (yet again) the thrill of synchronized community whilst catering to their children's same longings, therefore it can be an amazing familial win-win.

Similarly, is the existence of youth gangs / cartels.  Again, there's that universal longing to fit into the mix.  Even if crime is involved.  This risk of criminal punishment / criminal record pales in comparison to be integrated therein.

Cults work the same way.  Bizarre beliefs are easily stomached when one's desperate.  Particularly if there's an intricate ordering (rank) involved.

And on and on.  You get my point.

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But if we look to the example that Christ left us via the gospels, we don't see this kind of behavior / longing.  Instead, all he desired was pleasing his heavenly father.  Now, he did assemble the disciples, and they followed him throughout his earthly 3-year ministry, but there's absolutely no hint that Jesus longed to fit into the mix of those dudes and therein earn love and acceptance.  Read Matthew, Mark, Luke & John and tell me if you see otherwise.

Of course, you can argue here that we're not Jesus.  Instead, we're more like those 12 disciples.  And that's a true statement, but only on the surface.  For if you look at the behavior of the disciples (the book of Acts) post-resurrection of Christ, it's markedly different than before.  As if they've been radically changed as a result of their now redirected / clarified priorities and the infusion of the Holy Spirit (which descended at Pentecost - again documented within the book of Acts).

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A handful of years into my tenure at an architecture firm here in Jackson (back in the late '90s / early '00s), I began to become less and less interested in fitting into that particular mix.  As a result of this, my tongue began to loosen considerably relative to what I was actually seeing (character / persona) of my four bossmen.  And almost all of this lollygagging was no doubt in jest, yet on one particular occasion, despite the obvious air of sarcasm, I witnessed what I'd not realized existed prior.  

The particular joke I released on this day had to do with one of my boss's physical seniority (he was 10 years older than I was) in relation to me.  And it was executed amongst a handful of my younger colleagues and my then boss back in what was dubbed the "drafting room" of this firm.  

And then something truly bizarre took place.

You must know that the "drafting room" of this particular firm held 6 built-in drafting tables which all surrounded a very large built in island (which served as our laydown space - for drawings).  My bossman, wearing dress slacks and high dollar Cole Haan shoes (his typical uniform), literally leaped - from a standstill - up onto the island moments after I released my sarcastic joke about his "seniority" over me.  To summarize, he did this in reaction to me jocularly pointing out his "old age".  

Everyone was so stunned by this bizarre reaction that we simply stood there speechless, looking up at him now standing on top of the island.  In fact, I don't even remember how he got down from there.  It was simply all so surreal.

I realized in that moment how, despite my own beginnings of relinquishment of the desire to fit into the mix, that he was nowhere near that same point.  Yet, he was 10 years my senior.  And this was incredibly eye opening to me; for he desperately wanted to still be seen as part of the mix.

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What is one reason the notion of driving fancy cars and living in fancy single family homes is elevated as it is within our culture?  And what actually drives lifestyle creep?

What is one reason professional and college sports teams are obsessed over?

What are some reasons men invest in deer camp memberships, set aside time to listen in to shock jocks, and prioritize time to watch loads of porn?

And finally, to circle back to the beginning, what is one reason some men purposefully pursue higher and higher standing up and up the corporate / institutional / government ladder (besides the pragmatics of increasing their income)?

I think it's the boy inside.  For these men, he's still very much in control.  Even though, he's long since been eclipsed by physical manhood.  Little boy demanding attention.  Little boy refusing to grow up.

And this is a fascinating truth to ruminate on.  It is astounding to me how much brain power many of us men exude relative to attempting to satiate our desperation for fitting into the mix.

The No Bull Briefing Newsletter - June / July 2021

 

THE NO BULL BRIEFING NEWSLETTER - JUNE/JULY 2021

July 5th Is Silas Appreciation Day It doesn't matter how you do it ... a phone call, lunch, a card, a beer ... just find a way to show your Silas how much you appreciate him! And the Meme Competition Winner Is ... David Maxam! More Information and Registration HERE The Samson Daily Devotional is currently in Genesis. You can subscribe for the daily email, or listen to it on Amazon Alexa (Echo or Dot) by adding "Samson Daily Devotion" to your flash briefing, or on Stitcher, and iTunes podcasts. IMPORTANT: HELP US REACH MORE OF OUR OWN MEN Many of the men in Samson Society in-person meetings are NOT in our database as members. Sadly, that means they are not getting the No Bull Briefing - we're missing them, and they're missing out. Ask the men in your group if they are getting the No Bull Briefing Newsletter. If they are not, go to the "My Groups" tab on the Samson Society website, if you are the administrator you can add them with name and email (you'll see a list of all registered members). If you are not, you will need to contact the administrator of your group and ask him to add them. Our best guess is there are several hundred men active in Samson Society but not yet members (only true for in-person attendees). Let's help them get on board and get up to speed! Hey! We don't badger you, but we DO need your support ... Samson Society does not have dues or fees, but we DO have expenses. We currently reach men in over 50 countries and we are stretched thin financially. If you can make a generous one-time or, better yet, monthly contribution, that will help us continue to do what we do so well ... "rescue families by helping men live in the freedom of authenticity."  You can make your contribution to the mission of Samson Society through Samson House HERE. Thank you! Or set up a monthly contribution via text-to-give (719) 722-3545‬. Thank you!

SUPPORT@SAMSONSOCIETY.COM WWW.SAMSONSOCIETY.COM

Recommended Viewing (Especially If You're A Culture Junky)

A Lovely Poem (From A Samson Friend)

At the basis of humanity

The need to feel, the need to love

Awakening of the senses inside
The closest to communion with God above

We come into this world at first
So refreshingly simple and unblemished
The world takes away and scolds us
The purity of trust becomes slowly diminished

The dichotomy of life and relationships
We are attracted to things beautiful and unique
But these defining traits, attractive to some
Are most often the targets of harsh critique

There are many that try to help our lives
By pruning and scolding, trying to do good
The constant pounding of good intentions
Make us long to feel understood

The winner of the rat race is in the end still a rat
A contest of sinners and failures needing grace
The mercy bestowed by the ultimate sacrifice
Is the only thing freeing us from keeping pace

Lord in the depth of the thick drudgery of life
Grant me a precious few who will speak truth to my soul
And God please give me the strength to die to self
And the kindness to feed others the love that makes us whole

Men Trending Underneath The Banner Of Disappointment / Frustration

All of us experience disappointment and frustration.  It's a result of having expectations and those expectations not being met.  As a man in my early 30s, I vividly recall the last 2-3 years of my tenure at an architectural firm here in Jackson.  I was extremely disappointed in so much (multifaceted) of what that job represented to me at that point in time, and in fact, I was also using that disappointment as an excuse / fuel to sin (in the form of chronic lust via Internet porn use).

But too, combined with all this, was how circumstantially I'd found myself tempted to sin (at work).  Therefore, all of that made for a very challenging few years there at that particular place of employment.

As a result of all this, I knew I needed to move on.  So much so, in fact, that I even looked (& prepared) for an entirely new vocation away from architecture entirely.

And this is where disappointment and frustration can be productive, helpful tools of God, teaching and guiding us through firsthand experience.

From there, a state government job came to fruition, and though it was far from perfect, I banked my appreciation of my new job on what I absolutely did not miss from my previous one.  And this is how disappointment / frustration should and certainly can work to one's advantage.

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But what of those individuals who tend to stay within a consistent loop of disappointment / frustration?  Perhaps pertaining to far more than their work.  What if this bent towards disappointment / frustration revolves around many, if not all, of the relationships they are part of?  Also, what if it applied to their church?  Their marriage?  And so forth.

Over the past few decades, we've come to be more and more dependent / expectant of the ubiquity of customization - down to every minutiae - relative to every aspect of our lives.  From the food we eat to the clothes we wear to the people we interact with to the gender / hair / eye color of the child (invitro fertilization) we choose to parent.  And this is all quite gee whiz, but what comes alongside all of this opportunity for customization also comes two things.  One, the tendency to be disenfranchised quite easily - with all manner of things, and two, the powerfully impressionable notion that IT'S ALL ABOUT MY NEEDS / MY DESIRES / MY WANTS and how they're specifically being met.

Thusly creating some men who tend to gravitate towards disappointment / frustration as their default.  All the freaking time.  Kinda like having a toddler's outlook.

Therefore, these cyclical feelings of disappointment / frustration become the norm for them (& everyone they interact with), therefore circumstantial maturation may be thwarted due to this juvenile outlook regarding just about everything.

As such, for those of us who endear towards these individuals - friends / spouses / children, we're put in a tough spot.  For we know if we question this temperamental cycle of disappointment / frustration, we may very well be labeled reflexively, and from there, cast aside as "yesterday's disappointing / frustrating mistake".  

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I find that guys who're within the camp that I've described above are often habitual justifiers relative to porn, drug, alcohol usage because of this predisposition towards disappointment / frustration.  

I hurt to see guys - seemingly programmed by our few decades past gee whiz culture - to have a modus operandi as such.  

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Yesterday, I had a friend ask me over lunch if I'd take the opportunity - if given - to have my homosexual urges removed forever.  This is a difficult question to both ask and answer.  I told him no, I wouldn't.  And my rationale for that choice is twofold.  Firstly, I've already asked repeatedly (when I was a teenager), and they didn't cease to be.  Secondly, as a result of that, it taught me to build upon that particular long-term disappointment / frustration, changing my outlook permanently.  

And what I mean by that is recognizing how particularly wonderful being burdened / neutered - so to speak - truly can be.  For you learn to trust in Christ to carry your brokenness both figuratively and literally (at times), and as a result it serves as a constant reminder of why we were called to be Christians in the first place (to surrender ourselves wholeheartedly & in turn serve others in lieu of ourselves).   

From there, situations / individuals who end up not meeting my / our expectations, I find, are given more grace than they otherwise would be.  For I too was / am shown grace that originated initially in me being lassoed in by the gospel of Jesus Christ in tandem with my conviction relative to my chronic sin.

In closing, one other positive attribute to being consistently disabled by some version of a spiritual thorn is how it forces you / us to make peace with your pain.  Oftentimes, I believe, those who're predisposed to disappointment / frustration seem to be hyper-sensitive to discomfort / pain, and therefore tend to look immediately for some version of an escape in tandem with chronic complaining.

I'm not sure where this hyper sensitivity comes from, but it reeks of immaturity.  

May God help us all to properly differentiate between fully communicative (& therefore) helpful disappointment / frustration and that which is simply a kneejerk reaction to circumstances that bring us / take us into a season not necessarily of our choosing.

Lagniappe

Best Quality Porn Is Mainstream(ed) Porn - Look No Further Than Netflix

The first time I had the privilege of serving as a Covenant Eyes' accountability partner for another man was +/-10 years ago.  And this experience was stressful to say the least.  For this man was a pastor yet also a heavy, heavy, heavy Internet user.  And back then, Covenant Eyes offered little to no insight to us - so called accountability partners - regarding the emotional pragmatics relative to managing the implied responsibility baked into our roles.

I remember specifically reaching my apex of stress when I received a Covenant Eyes' weekly report that had line-itemed the pilot episode of one particular (thinly veiled) Starz porn series.  From there, I did some presumptuous clicking, and was in awe of what my friend had consumed.  

For this was Hollywood-grade porn.  And I'd never seen anything of the sort.

First and foremost, its top-tier production values made for an extraordinarily fantastical video.  I can remember seeing so many stunningly beautiful breasts.  So many simulated orgy scenes.  So many gang rape scenes.  And on and on.  And the actors throughout were extraordinarily beautiful.  The breasts were gorgeous.  The asses were perfect.  The faces attached to the breasts and asses were so pretty and handsome.  

And of course, the sound and lighting and camera angles, and on and on...all of it exponentially increased the merit (& impact) of these mainstream porn productions.

It all left me breathless and speechless.  But then I began to wonder - who would participate in such productions?  For this was no doubt porn.

What I discovered was the director, Mr. Sam Raimi (Spider-Man movies), had used his notoriety coupled with an overseas filming location & subsequent casting call to make these mainstream porn films with ease.

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An old Samson friend lost his second marriage as a result of hiding his "Pay Per View" cable bill from his then wife.  They had separate checking accounts, therefore he'd use a portion of his retirement pension income to foot the thousands of dollars in "Pay Per View" fees each month.  Comcast provided my friend with similar "high quality" (& discreet) porn viewing experiences that he wholeheartedly embraced - month after month after month.  That is, until one day, his then wife happened to come across a rogue Comcast cable bill that was unaccounted for.  And it was all downhill from there.

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Today, we have Netflix.  And Netflix even provides its subscribers with a ranking of what's popularly streamed in glorious high definition - at any hour of the day.

Take a few minutes to read this and this.  

Please, for God's sake, delete your Netflix subscription and cancel your CATV service.  Stop supporting these publicly-traded companies.  They're worthless garbage.  All they're concerned with is making their shareholders $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$, and they know mainstream porn is one of the easiest ways to keep audiences tuned into their screens.

If you're bored at home, read a book, plant a garden, walk your dog, paint a watercolor, write a blog, exercise, sing, dance, memorize scripture, call an old friend, write a letter, take up woodworking, repaint some furniture, learn a second language.  

Anticipating the Blue Ridge Samson Society Retreat

Retreating is fantastically rewarding for Rob.  Particularly retreating outside of Mississippi.  For this provides an opportunity to get out of my familiar setting and engage with Samson guys who're not within - to any degree - my sphere of influence.

The Blue Ridge Samson Society retreat will be co-lead by my first Silas, Mr. Chris Inman, who now resides in Mobile, AL.  Chris and I weren't privy to Samson Society +/-10 years ago (when we were each others' Silas), but nonetheless, we developed a friendship that was tantamount to any Silas relationship I've experienced since. 

What I look forward to the most is melding into the background of the retreat setting, and from there, observing the guys.  Watching their interactions, listening to their dialogue, learning who they are as we're all combined together over the weekend.  That to me is a setting for solid healing work.  Plus, it provides me with a methodology for capturing emotional memories.  Of which I'll draw upon long after the retreat is concluded.  Too, I may actually meet a new someone who's willing to dialogue into the future (beyond the retreat weekend).  We'll see.

Community is so rare these days.  Especially community that's intentionally warranted from the standpoint of neediness.

I realize most men hankering for community do so by hanging with other guys on the golf course, sitting at a sports bar, gambling in Vegas, etc.  That's just not for Rob.  Instead, I'd rather support a ministry like Samson Society via my attendance to retreats like these, and ultimately receive - again, due to my neediness - far more in return.