I've never been desperate to fit in amongst my peers, and I suppose this is due to my sexuality. Knowing as a boy that I was potentially going to be seen as a threat or liability by someone within the group - by default - I learned early on to focus my emotional longings towards intense (chronic) sexual fantasy.
Starting within childhood, all of us boys desperately work to find value within the mix of other boys (real or imagined). And as a result, it doesn't take us long to adjudicate where we may precisely fit in - unless there's nowhere to fit in. This desperation to fit within the mix can be especially torrential if we don't click with dad / within dad's community.
For example:
Let's say a boy's legal guardians are his grandparents (his father's in-laws), and their guardianship has been from the boy's birth. As a result, much of boy's masculine persona is imprinted upon him by his (grand)father (who's in no way genetically kin to the boy's biological father). Yet, the bio dad spends some time with his son (a couple of weekends a month), and hopes for the boy to synchronize with his modus operandi (particularly as a teenager). But, it ain't happening. And then from there, both the bio dad and son find both heartache and frustration as a result, and their relationship suffers.
And, of course, the (grand)father simply looks on with a grin. For better or worse.
The boy, on the other hand, may just asks himself, "Where do I go from here? If I don't fit in with my own biological father, where can / do I fit in?"
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I loathe team sports. Always have. But, I'm in the minority here, and I've always recognized this. All that being said, I admire boys' / men's passion for team sports despite my not relating to that passion.
Team sports exist for a number of reasons, but one, in particular, is to satiate the desperation boys (& girls) experience to fit into the mix. They're looking for that synergy that comes with working together as a team. Parents too vicariously experience (yet again) the thrill of synchronized community whilst catering to their children's same longings, therefore it can be an amazing familial win-win.
Similarly, is the existence of youth gangs / cartels. Again, there's that universal longing to fit into the mix. Even if crime is involved. This risk of criminal punishment / criminal record pales in comparison to be integrated therein.
Cults work the same way. Bizarre beliefs are easily stomached when one's desperate. Particularly if there's an intricate ordering (rank) involved.
And on and on. You get my point.
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But if we look to the example that Christ left us via the gospels, we don't see this kind of behavior / longing. Instead, all he desired was pleasing his heavenly father. Now, he did assemble the disciples, and they followed him throughout his earthly 3-year ministry, but there's absolutely no hint that Jesus longed to fit into the mix of those dudes and therein earn love and acceptance. Read Matthew, Mark, Luke & John and tell me if you see otherwise.
Of course, you can argue here that we're not Jesus. Instead, we're more like those 12 disciples. And that's a true statement, but only on the surface. For if you look at the behavior of the disciples (the book of Acts) post-resurrection of Christ, it's markedly different than before. As if they've been radically changed as a result of their now redirected / clarified priorities and the infusion of the Holy Spirit (which descended at Pentecost - again documented within the book of Acts).
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A handful of years into my tenure at an architecture firm here in Jackson (back in the late '90s / early '00s), I began to become less and less interested in fitting into that particular mix. As a result of this, my tongue began to loosen considerably relative to what I was actually seeing (character / persona) of my four bossmen. And almost all of this lollygagging was no doubt in jest, yet on one particular occasion, despite the obvious air of sarcasm, I witnessed what I'd not realized existed prior.
The particular joke I released on this day had to do with one of my boss's physical seniority (he was 10 years older than I was) in relation to me. And it was executed amongst a handful of my younger colleagues and my then boss back in what was dubbed the "drafting room" of this firm.
And then something truly bizarre took place.
You must know that the "drafting room" of this particular firm held 6 built-in drafting tables which all surrounded a very large built in island (which served as our laydown space - for drawings). My bossman, wearing dress slacks and high dollar Cole Haan shoes (his typical uniform), literally leaped - from a standstill - up onto the island moments after I released my sarcastic joke about his "seniority" over me. To summarize, he did this in reaction to me jocularly pointing out his "old age".
Everyone was so stunned by this bizarre reaction that we simply stood there speechless, looking up at him now standing on top of the island. In fact, I don't even remember how he got down from there. It was simply all so surreal.
I realized in that moment how, despite my own beginnings of relinquishment of the desire to fit into the mix, that he was nowhere near that same point. Yet, he was 10 years my senior. And this was incredibly eye opening to me; for he desperately wanted to still be seen as part of the mix.
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What is one reason the notion of driving fancy cars and living in fancy single family homes is elevated as it is within our culture? And what actually drives lifestyle creep?
What is one reason professional and college sports teams are obsessed over?
What are some reasons men invest in deer camp memberships, set aside time to listen in to shock jocks, and prioritize time to watch loads of porn?
And finally, to circle back to the beginning, what is one reason some men purposefully pursue higher and higher standing up and up the corporate / institutional / government ladder (besides the pragmatics of increasing their income)?
I think it's the boy inside. For these men, he's still very much in control. Even though, he's long since been eclipsed by physical manhood. Little boy demanding attention. Little boy refusing to grow up.
And this is a fascinating truth to ruminate on. It is astounding to me how much brain power many of us men exude relative to attempting to satiate our desperation for fitting into the mix.
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