Collaborative

Samson Society is about, at its very core, collaboration, and the inarguable proof regarding this is only truly tangible whilst attending a national retreat.  For it's there where you experience waves of collaborative synergy as men relinquish their pride amongst so many other openly broken, seeking to recover from their own humanity men.  

Collaboration involves risk.  Hence, many men refuse to step into community or even more telling, will subsequently abandon community (once enlightened as to what they've actually stepped into) when too much collaboration is asked of them.

The risk is centered on losing / relinquishing one's standalone identity.  

Identity is of critical importance to every man, but arguably much moreso by those men whose self-worth is equated to maximum personal performance.  I find that these men idolize it (identity), and from there, use it as a constant point of reference, asking themselves internal questions like...

"What protects my face the best within this situation?  How can I gain most from this experience?"

It's easy to mistake this issue with certain men's (especially Christians) tendency to skew black or white relative to their worldview.  And that's so because we'd like to believe they are somewhat compassionate overall, therefore it's surely their point of view that's more or less in control.  But, I don't believe that's it at all.  Instead, it's a self-centeredness.  Hence, a hyper-pursuit of protecting / considering the needs of oneself exclusively, prioritizes all intelligence, creativity, passion in that general direction. 

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Collaboration between men is also seen by some guys as way too womanly.  

This can also be off putting for some men and their involvement within Samson Society.  Women are known for relating well to each other within groups (whether it's true or not).  Men are not.  Hence, this can be tantamount to immediately disqualifying the notion of joining in if you happen to have a penis and testicles.  

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I want to take you back to my early days of involvement within the Metro Jackson Samson Society in order to prove my point here regarding the C word.  Back to the day when there was only one group here in the Jackson Metro.  

Overall at that point in time, we had on average 10 to 15 men involved, thanks to Mr. Don Waller's thriving counseling ministry  as well as a handful of Samson guys who were willing to invite others in.  Like many men, my introduction to the group was via Mr. Waller, and I took to it like a duck to water, though deep down, I had much internal shame fueled by massive abandonment issues that I was continually pushing against.

In light of that, I bided my time by connecting formally to numerous Samson guys within our group as a Silas, and this went on for well over one year.  And then I was reminded of the undealt with shame as it refused to no longer stay hidden.  It was at that point in time that my first Silas entered the room (group).  From there, despite previously growing thoughts of making a discreet exit from Samson, I began to open up to this new friend.  Thus, the relationship became rich and helpful to me almost overnight.

My first Silas was a Type AA personality, and this radiated continually in and through him, therefore many of the other men also gravitated towards his fervor.  Coupled with that, I was quite taken with this man, and that was centered on two things.  Firstly was the fact that he wasn't in any way shape or form a Mississippian, and secondly, he initially chose to ask me to be his Silas prior to Christmas of 2015.  God did quite a work in bringing this particular man into my life at that time, and that was primarily through his willingness to allow me to be vulnerable enough to admit to my true aforementioned heartfelt issues.  That being the ones centered on abandonment.

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As an only child, I was an easy target for getting caught up in abandonment issues.  I won't go into specifics here, but as an adult, this childhood seeded fear of abandonment truly came to a head immediately following my job loss in 2013.

The abandonment I experienced firsthand from that situation was akin to being thrown off a proverbial cliff.  So much time / energy had been invested (family relocation in particular) in taking that institutional position.  This coupled with the sincere yet naive respect that had accrued for my superiors resulted in massive emotional and pragmatic losses for myself all around.  And making matters worse, this punishment was seemingly all for private behaviors that on the surface were insipid and no doubt over reacted to.

Therefore, my Silas needed to be a giant of a man in so many respects in order for me to take the necessary risks here relative to healing.  And he was in so many ways.  Intimidating.  Hard to approach.  Opinionated.  Driven.  Self-confident.  Hard-nosed.  Devout.

I remember in particular, one evening, reaching out to him.  Having not heard from B during some lull in our regular communications, I began to despair, knowing / feeling / agonizing over my fears.  

For me, admitting to abandonment issues is akin to fessing up to being impotent.  There's a sissy mindset that's hard to overcome regarding this.  But somehow, I told him the truth.  Plus, I explained to him what I believed was the origin relative to these fears.  And, my goodness, it was monumentally helpful to have him listen well and reply in earnest that he'd no intentions of walking away.

And he didn't.  Until of course, he and I encountered a platonic crossroad, but that was expected to happen eventually.  At that point in time, we'd been collaborating for +/-2 years as Samson brothers, and I cannot underestimate how much healing had occurred.

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Do you see the beauty of collaboration between Samson men?  Can you muster the humility required to do so?  If yes and yes, then welcome, my friend, to Samson Society.  

Does The Punishment Of Hell Worry You? Does It Affect Your Point Of View Regarding Those You Care / Don't Care About?

Fornication and homosex simply don't rankle me as they once did, and I regret being able to honestly admit to that.  I distinctly remember in years past how grim these activities and their Biblical implications seemed to me, therefore my outlook relative to those who participated was vastly different than it is today.

And this sexual sin acclimation is true culturally - across the board.  We've all warmed up to or choose to discount the ultimate punishment for these sins as if Hell simply doesn't exist anymore.

So what if a Christian begins participating in these?  Is hell his ultimate fate?  And to take it a step further, what of lusting after another individual via sexual fantasies?  We know the Bible qualifies that sin as equal to physical behavior, therefore again, is hell preeminent for those individuals?  

God's people screw up.  It's documented all within God's word, and of course, we see it time and time again today.  And the stories tend to relay judgement and punishment for these sins.  This is exactly in line with how you as a parent would hopefully treat the children that you consider your own (bio or adopted).  Parents' roles are to parent.  Not coddle or cater to.

But when you see other parents' children screwing up, you feel for them, but since you have no authority over those children, you often tend to leave them be.

God does this too.  Again, take a looksee at the Old Testament.

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Middle age too really does a number on a man's perspective.  I'll be 50 in a few years.  Therefore, let me just say here, I'm so fortunate to have had this very full life.  Young men at times call me sir, and overall, young people just know that I'm "over the hill" (or close to it).  And considering that truth, what brings me the most peace is my no longer having to deal with wave after wave of that god-forsaken sexual-sin shame thanks to me no longer being in bondage to it.  

And I wonder if that's played a part in what I admitted to above.  Perhaps my own sanctification, if you will, has in a way, tuned me away from my more empathic / sympathetic point of view.  This, coupled with my gray hair (& disgusting gray nose hairs), undoubtedly has played a role.  It's hard to relate to that which you no longer don't know well.

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Now, full disclosure here.

Do know that nothing really keeps me away from Internet porn, even today, except staying absolutely not isolated whilst surfing online.  Therefore, there are those times when opportunity abounds, and I jump right back in for a few minutes.  The relinquishment of my "online - singular - freedom" occurred almost 6.5 years ago when I finally chose to wear Covenant Eyes' bridle.  Eventually too, Samson Society became a mainstay that I embraced with a thankful heart.  The community of Samson keeps one focused on what's lingering beneath those desires to participate in sexual sin.  Therefore, this two-pronged approach worked wonders for me.

I say that to prove to you that my sanctification is ongoing, and that so long as the Internet exists (and Internet-capable devices), I'm likely going to need to stand clear of surfing / walking through my life alone.  It's just too reckless an approach for me.

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If you attend a Samson Society (national) retreat, you'll see that Samson Society men tend to be, on average, around 35-40 years of age.  Not to say there aren't younger (& much older) men participating, but overall, they skew less gray and overall more hair.

And I believe this is due to the fact that as Christian men and women we're perhaps more "in tune" to the debauchery of sexual sin (regardless of whether or not we're participating in it) at younger ages (closer to our biological sexual peak / stronger libidos), which in turn convicts us to repent and reach out for help (if need be).  From there, perhaps, as middle age approaches and sexual sin may or may not become a mainstay behavior for us, the internal permissive / dismissiveness sets in. 

You'll recall the Dirty Old Man post from a few weeks back.  It's that mentality that I'm referring to here when I use that word permissiveness.

I don't want to ever be that man.  For it's his willingness to consume smut / compromise his faith that seeds the fields of opportunity for all of those who produce it.  Just as his (low) standards usher in / vaidate all manner of dilution within this world of woe.

But, I must admit, it almost feels inevitable that I lose some degree of my sharpness relative to sexual sin sensitivity.  Therefore, there's no doubt in my mind that only through God's grace can I recollect / relive my youthful days enough to have them work against the dullness of my antiquated conscious.

Keep me awake, Oh Lord.  Allow my gray nose hairs to once again olfactory that distinctive stench of hellfire and brimstone that awaits those who "do what's right within their own eyes" relative to their genitalia.

   

The Great Misunderstanding / Understanding Your Relevancy As A Christian

Despite you yourself, God is working in and through you as a Christian at all times.  He is sovereign, therefore he doesn't need anything more than your faithfulness to get his will accomplished.  And keep in mind that "your faithfulness" is a gift from God himself.

Circumstances within relationships can at times sour.  Suffering too is inevitable.  Nonetheless, as a Christian, being within these trials with whomever (spouse, friends, parents, siblings, etc.) is merited simply by definition of whose you are.

Do you grasp that today?

If so, you should never falsely accuse yourself (or listen to the Accuser himself) relative to the lie that your very presence situationally tipped the scales pejoratively within God's eyes.  That lie is a paradox in an of itself because of the Biblical truth within the first sentence of this post.

Be mindful of voices within your head that state the following:

    -  "She would no doubt be better off without me as her husband."

    -  "This company / volunteer organization would have succeeded / would succeed further had it not /         were it not for my presence here."

    -  "This friendship was doomed from the getgo due to me being one half of the whole."

    -  "My presence here caused all manner of problems and defeats."

Christians carry God's spirit within them.  We are salt and light within this world of woe.  By definition, our very presence consistently makes a righteous impact despite what we may believe of ourselves otherwise.  Focus on that truth today.

Lagniappe

Just How Internally Influential Is Your Perception of Other People's Perception, & Should Christian Men Demarcate Themselves By Said Internal Influence?

This is the worst post title.  I'm sorry for that.

So what is perception, and what is influence, and are the two interrelated?

To answer the last question, they are interrelated because both perception and influence are arbitrary.  Neither can be measured or proven despite their ubiquity, therefore by cultural definition, they're both readily available for our Enemy* to use against us.  And he especially tends to do so when we're young and naive.  From there, precedents can be set which unhealthily carry forward into manhood.

This Desiring God post needs to be read next.  Take a few minutes, and then report back.  I love Mr. Mathis' point, serving beautifully as a frame of reference here.

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I work for my father.  Now, every time I say this (whilst around him), he chimes in by saying that isn't the case.  Instead, he likes to frame my position in his company as "partner" or "independent advisor" or somesuch, but that simply isn't true.  I'm an employee of his who fortunately has an awful lot of independence relative to whom I serve as an advisor / broker.

My father has expectations for me as his employee (as does every employer), and when he's so moved, he'll remind me of those by letting me know how disappointed in me he truly is.  This is his modus operandi and has been throughout my life.  He experienced the same within his own upbringing in no thanks to his now deceased, virago mother.

And he does this mostly with some degree of subtleness (passive agressiveness), but at times, after I've ignored him outright for a lengthy period of time, he explodes on me.  

When I first came to work for him, a few of these explosive episodes indirectly involved my mother (who also works alongside us) simply due to her being within the line of fire.  And it was not pretty, based on what she described to me. 

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During my younger years, I avoided my father like the plague because I didn't know how to manage his low-grade anger and impulsive disappointment as I do today.  How I perceived being perceived by him was simply too much to bear.  I had no siblings, therefore my dad was the archetype male within my life that I saw day in and day out.  Therefore that made him super influential, whether I liked it or not.  By God's grace, I picked up on this familial toxicity early on which helped tremendously as I navigated through my young adult years.

Hence, I actively replaced my dad via fantasies, and within these (sexual) fantasies were men who did approve of me.  My imagination was my greatest ally during my childhood due to the fact that I desperately needed an older male within my life who affirmed me through and through.  It was circumstantially bittersweet for me indeed.

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As adult men, we must differentiate ourselves from our boyhood selves by really staying on top of this arbitrary concept called perception, and the negative influence it can gain over us.  And undoubtedly, as Christians, we absolutely must not become spiritless automotons who fall in line with groupthink.  Groupthink, I would argue, oftentimes originates in and through perception which in turn lays groundwork for influence.   

Therefore, in closing, who ultimately do we answer to, and what exactly is our end goal?

As Christian men, we answer to our Heavenly Father, and his end goal for us is our faithfulness (which he provides to us).  How do we gauge where we stand regarding these?  

-  Listen & observe your mature Christian peers relative to how they relate to you.  What do they say / are they saying?

-  Listen to God's spirit that lives within you.  If you need him to turn up the volume there, ask for more spirit.

-  Read Scripture and ask for conviction, insight, and wisdom.

The more you do this, the more weight will be released from your shoulders as it relates to all the other.

* No doubt God can use perception and influence for his good as well.  I recognize that, but have chosen to not approach the subject from that angle.

No Comment

An old Samson friend graced the Lakeside Pres Samson Society meeting firstly, and throughout both that meeting & after-meeting along with the next, he said very little.  Instead, his eyes were observing all that he was experiencing during those few hours on a Saturday morning within a nondescript room within a just as nondescript Lakeside Presbyterian Church.  

I look back on that and smile, loving to recall the wisdom in his approach.

Similarly, an even older Samson friend did the exact same thing, but for much longer than two consecutive meetings.  'Till one day, he finally began to open up relative to the setting he'd chosen to commit himself to week after week.

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Over the past months, I've been strength training in my garage, therefore many hours have been spent staring up at the ceiling or the floor, leaning from the garage door track or simply looking out into the street from within.  Therefore, I'm seeing, truly seeing every square meter of this space despite our tenure in this house of almost two decades.  And that's allowed me to appreciate this very flexible room that much more every week.

There's a lot of pressure right now to step into conversations, express your opinion / thoughts on everything from the pandemic, politics, race, law enforcement, symbolism and so forth.  And today, now more than ever, there are a plethora of venues for each of us to express ourselves in and through 24/7/365.  

But, if you'd rather not, do keep in mind, that's perfectly acceptable.  And I think it's important to be reminded of that here.  

Angie and I have a marriage that's built on two things:  1) Communication and 2) Compromise

Both can be tough to execute at times, but if you're a good fit temperamentally like she and I are, it eventually becomes no big deal.  Sometimes, she and I talk about that list that I mentioned above in varying degrees of detail, but not too often because we both know where each other stands on almost everything of any real importance.

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There is a time and place for simply choosing not to comment, no matter how much dialogue is going on all around you.  Not only does this approach provide you with opportunity to listen well, but it may very well keep your relational rank intact (save your hide) during this very tumultuous (& noisy) period in history.

Post-Stroke Coitus Therapy (Penis Power)

Angie's been under the care of Physical Therapists, Occupational Therapists, Psycho Therapists, Nurse Practitioners, Medical Doctors, and believe it or not, Sex Therapists.

Apparently, female stroke patient's brains tend to reset sexually all the way back to the woman's virgin state.  And, interestingly enough, a sizable portion of assisting female stroke patient's brains in re-awakening / re-circuiting themselves holistically can be monumentally assisted through passionate lovemaking (when deemed physically appropriate for the individual patient).  

Angie shared this with me yesterday during our dinner visit there at Methodist Rehabilitation Hospital (where she's undergoing a few weeks of post stroke in-patient care).  I was curious as to why she kept staring at my crotch every time I'd get up and pace around her room, and finally she began letting the cat out of the bag by saying, "We're going to have to make sex more of a priority now that this has happened".

This post-stroke coitus therapy was pioneered by Dr. Ruth Westheimer who is a renowned sex therapist who gained her notoriety back in the '70s and '80s.  

What's cool is I'll also have an opportunity as the husband (penis purveyor) to undergo some sex therapy (alongside Angie) as well.  And of course, since sex is my most favorite topic, I'll be all ears.

Angie and I both experienced intercourse firstly (lost our virginities) on our honeymoon night back in the mid-'90s.  We stopped at a Best Western in Meridian, MS whilst en route to Gatlinburg, TN for a week away after our wedding here in Jackson.

Of course, I'm anticipating this unforeseen reset for her, and too as her husband, I'm more than happy to provide my sexual services as part of her overall rehabilitation, being just as tender and attentive as I was 23 years ago.  Who'd a thunk that sexual pleasure could be such an effective healer?

 

Near Death

My near death experience happened whilst in high school at First Baptist Church Jackson's (long since demolished) Family Life Center.  There was some sort of youth event going on and the church was serving chili dogs for the teenagers and their parents.  I took a bite of mine, but failed to chew enough to get that sizable bite down my esophagus.  So, I began to choke almost instantly.  From there, like the idiot teenager that I was, I found a one-hole bathroom to die within.

Literally, I was so embarrassed at my supposed fate, that I refused to go to my parents (who were in the adjacent game room) for assistance with my choking.  Therefore, I hacked and coughed as I contorted and seized, and eventually, seemingly miraculously, the chili dog bite came back up.

And, as you can imagine, it scared the hell out of me.

From there, I calmly exited the bathroom, discarded my remaining chili covered frankfurter and quietly nibbled on a few chips over in the corner of the room.

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A Samson friend had a near death by drowning experience whilst whitewater rafting (perhaps on the Ocoee River, if I remember correctly).  I'm assuming it was while he was a college student for that was the first time I ventured down that particular river.  In line with his tale, I can definitely recall my first time down the Ocoee, one of the young women who was with us became trapped (via wedge) under the rapids directly beneath our raft after unexpectedly getting thrown out.  I'll never forgot her terrified countenance as the water zoomed over her slightly submerged head.  It took one of the strongest men onboard to free her from the current.  After being lifted back in by her life jacket, it was clear that she'd had enough of rafting for her lifetime.

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One of the first architectural firms I worked at had a handful of interior designers on staff.  These ladies took charge of the interior finishes within the three-dimensional space we architects designed.  One, in particular, was a few years my junior.  She'd quickly become a friend of mine due to the fact that we were hired very close to the same time at this particular firm.  

One day, I traipsed into the break room to eat my lunch, and she was there too.  But on this day, something was undoubtedly wrong due to her obviously being distraught.  Unfortunately, she'd just received word that her boyfriend was dumping her unexpectedly.  The young man was a successful local businessman who was both handsome and extremely well-liked within the community.  My colleague was visibly shaken as she talked incessantly to me about her shock and outrage.  I listened patiently, but I could tell then by her countenance, this was going to have a lasting impact, and that really, there was nothing I could do to diminish that except listen prayerfully.

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I've talked to Samson guys who've spent years marred in chronic sin, only to finally admit to themselves (& perhaps a few others) that the motivation behind that sin was powerful negative emotions resulting from emotional near death experiences, many of which involved rejection of some sort.  This proves that rejection is a huge deal that Satan is adept at taking full advantage of.  Therefore, along those lines, sexual fantasies fueled by Internet porn are often easily justifiable within men's minds whilst in a state of relational rejection / outrage.

No doubt within a marriage, there are two means of losing one's spouse, and those are death and divorce.  Both result in searing loss, but it's the latter of the two that truly takes its emotional toll because again, there's that "R" word.  

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My wife is currently rehabilitating from the stroke she suffered week before last.  She's here in Jackson at Methodist Rehabilitation Hospital, and thankfully, I'm able to visit with her at dinnertime each day.  Last week, she was at St. D where she was being intensely care for each and every day.  Therefore, the house definitely feels lopsided without her here, though in my mind I know she's not geographically far away at all.  Where we're both at as a couple certainly qualifies as a near death experience that's affected us both, each in its own way.

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Never have I eaten a chili dog since that fateful day back in high school.  I doubt too that my Samson friend who almost drown whilst whitewater rafting has ever ventured into that particular outdoor recreational activity since.  And those decisions makes good sense.

But what of those individuals who'll refuse to attempt to relate on some (or perhaps any) level to other people in light of the prior rejection they've experienced?  What of those who'll choose to never darken the door of the church house or small group in light of their past pain?  Along those same lines, what of those who'll refuse to date or attempt to ever step out on a relational limb whatsoever, all because they refuse to expose themselves to the horrific reliving of past traumas?  As Christians, is it morally wrong of them to cower back out of protection, or should they push through that fear instead?  Along those same lines, is it ever justifiable for them to medicate their situation with Internet porn fueled sexual fantasy?

And finally, what exactly is Satan trying to achieve whilst exploiting our past pain?

Near death is a big deal.  (I believe I've already said that.)  The impact varies tremendously, and unfortunately, I believe, Satan is attentive to these "life challenges".  There's no doubt he sees them as opportunities to gain ground relative to the battle that's oftentimes raging within our emotional cores.

A starting point for us, I believe, in wrestling with these questions, is doing our darndest to take our attention off of ourselves and focus instead on exactly where our Enemy is lurking beneath the surface as well as what he's attempting to achieve.  His outlook no doubt takes the long view into account in tandem with all those around us who he similarly works actively to choreograph an unrighteous demise.

Therefore, the question comes down to this.  Can we not do the same but from the opposing point of view?  Hope, I find, does trend towards the long view.

Lagniappe 

Lagniappe 2 (Highly recommended)