Wait as long as possible to give kids a phone: Yale psychology expert (cnbc.com)
Monday, October 23, 2023
"It's Okay To Win!" - JR Everhart
Failure is still a pathway to winning. So many times I’ve heard stories of successful people having had to suffer many things in order to find success. There’s no doubt suffering is a major part of the human experience. But in my life I spent so many years struggling and feeling like a big fat loser that once success started showing up in my life, it felt foreign to me.
I grew up very poor and was the 11th of 12 kids in my family. Needless to say, I learned the art of being content early on in life. From there, I was out on my own by 17, taking on the world as a very naive and uncultured country boy from WV. I’ll never forget how amazed I was when I started working on the road and traveling to major cities. Not to mention that first time at the beach at 18. I had so much to EXPERIENCE, yet all the while, I was as blind as a bat to the effects my childhood trauma was having on me as a young adult. From there, I spent the meat of my adult life (+/-20 years) as a bull in a china shop, attempting to rear my children in spite of my two divorces in tandem with a host of failed romantic relationships. For many years my life just felt like one failure after another. And this was especially true when the third divorce came knocking at my door.
Ultimately, never did I think I would ever be as happy and secure in my skin as I am now.
I can remember the very first time I realized my compulsive behavior and dysfunction was no longer running my life. It was like I had lost part of my identity. It was comparable to the relief one feels when the neighborhood bully moves away. I felt free for the first time in a very long time. There was finally hope for me. Hope that perhaps my gifts and talents wouldn't go to waste. Today, I'm many years beyond that and experiencing success on levels I could have never dreamed. Nonetheless, it just feels weird.
In conclusion, I keep waiting for the bubble to pop. As a result, I struggle to let go of the assumption that disaster may very well be waiting around the corner of every decision I make. As such, this is my reality.
I’ve learned, just in the past couple of years, that it’s okay to win. And that NOT EVERY WIN WILL BE FOLLOWED BY DISASTER. I’m extremely thankful to be free of that pessimistic outlook. Specifically, God has established me at the table of my enemies more times than I can count. I’m so grateful and blessed that he loved me enough to challenge me to grow beyond my narrow vision of life. I am nothing without him, and all glory belongs to him and him alone. He’s sent so many people across my path that initially seemed suspect in their motives, but eventually played a vital role in my maturing forward.
Nothing irrigates the ground of growth like a storm, and God knows I’ve weathered my share of those. But I am still here! Still holding my head high. And yes, I still do have problems, but now I have healthy coping skills in place to navigate this rollercoaster we call life. I'm convinced that health and success are available to anyone brave enough to walk on the hot coals of personal growth and self-inventory, accepting the hardships of being sifted like wheat and refined in the refiner's fire.
It’s not a road for the faint of heart. The strong grow, and the weak self-medicate via the low hanging fruit of self-gratification. All the right choices are on the table in front of us every day. It’s up to us to choose our pathway, no one is coming to make those choices for us. And we all live by the choices we make.
Sunday, October 22, 2023
Recommended Viewing
The traumatization that occurred due to my job loss in September of 2013 shut the trap door and bolted it shut, leaving my brain under the complete control of "the monkey part" (hippocampus). As such, I could not healthily process memory / grieve, and therefore (within 3 months) I developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This consisted of tremendously debilitating flashbacks of my humiliating / shame-laden termination that went on (at least once daily) for 18 months.
Up until this occurred, I'd had access to my cortex (trap door open), and it served me well throughout my adult life. Particularly from the standpoint of coping with my identity as a same-sex attracted Christian man. To be more specific, my cortex's control (point of view) always rendered hopefulness. Therefore, without it, I eventually became suicidal. Such was the fatiguing contrast that I was experiencing.
This video does an excellent job of breaking down / categorizing the power of trauma on the three components of the brain whilst simplistically defining each. As such, it was super helpful to me.
Recommended viewing.
Saturday, October 21, 2023
Do You Advocate For Your Children / Grandchildren, Or Are You A Militant Asshole / Absentee Father? Or, Is It Somewhere In Between?
Within the city of Jackson, Mississippi (Mississippi's capital), there resides three urban universities and one seminary (I believe I'm correct in my count). One of these universities is public while the other two are private. Understandably, the public university is much larger overall (more affordable tuition).
My two oldest daughters are university students within the largest south Mississippi city, Hattiesburg. There're two urban collegiate institutions there, one public and one private, the former of which is very close to the same size as the aforementioned public university in Jackson. Hattiesburg, MS is overall safe and thriving economically. It has a distinct character and strong sense of place.
This aforementioned public (& again, by far largest) university within the city of Jackson resides within the most unsafe / economically depressed region of the city. The institution itself is not walled off (security fencing) from the city as one of the two private institutions are, therefore like a traditional urban college, I'm fairly certain that it resides seamlessly within the urban fabric of the capital city of Mississippi. A city that's overall unsafe and floundering economically (Jackson is losing populace faster than any other city in America). This, in recent years, has led to an overall depressing character and undeniably hopeless sense of place relative to how the city of Jackson is perceived as a whole (think third world country).
My wife, Angie, graduated from Baylor University back in the early '90s. Baylor resides in Waco, TX. It's a city that, per my wife's commentary, combined with my own short stints visiting, is overall safe and thriving economically. It too had / has a distinct character and strong sense of place.
Taking all of that into consideration, under no circumstances would I allow a child of mine (no matter the gender) to enroll at the public university (the largest of the three institutions) within the city of Jackson. No. Matter. What.
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As a parent, seeing a child off - college bound - takes breathtaking courage. But it also requires parental guidance.
I can remember reading years ago of a Baylor University student who was killed via a hit & run there in Waco. He was riding his bike (alongside another student) after dark when it happened. The boy was a musician from the Midwest who'd chosen to attend Baylor in spite of no previous familial connection therein.
As you can imagine, the university was heartbroken, and the parents were devastated. Eventually, the driver was located and charged. From what I recall, the manslaughterer was a middle-aged white woman (educator within the local K-12 public school system) who was driving drunk.
This was tremendously out of character tragedy for the city of Waco, home to Baylor University.
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College students are within that "in-between" stage of life. No longer children but too, not exactly adults either. College provides a great petri dish experience for this age group to establish some independent work ethic via a semi-controlled environment.
This past week, a university student (from out of state) at the aforementioned public university in Jackson was murdered on campus (at a university-owned apartment complex). The suspects in this murder are also college students, but from other institutions outside of central MS.
What would you do / how would you react if your college student son / daughter was murdered on their college campus? Especially considering your child's supposed stellar track record as a student / human being.
Would you question the role that you played relative to agreeing to support your child's enrollment within that institution? Ultimately, how would you manage the emotional aftermath of seeing your child murdered not only during his most springboard season of life but at the very institution / within the very city where that springboarding was supposed to occur?
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This hits home with Rob.
As Dr. Dobson says, parenting isn't for cowards but simultaneously, parenting isn't rocket science.
God help this family, and God help the city of Jackson and all who reside within it.
For those of you Samson men who are parents / grandparents, be forewarned. The effectiveness (performance) of your role as a parent / grandparent is in direct proportion to the seriousness of / commitment to your recovery. Your dependents' lives may very well depend on it.
Thursday, October 19, 2023
"I Found Jesus In Prison..." Ethan #15
"For it is true, we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so, it's those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love them completely without completely understanding."
Norman Maclean ~ A River Runs Through It
Answer: I'm Content With The Status Quo. My Recovery Is Going Just Fine. As Such, I'm Not Interested In Retreating.
Here's the 2023 Samson Summit (10th anniversary of National Samson Society retreats!) itinerary / workshop breakdown:
The Summit Schedule | ||||||||||||||||
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On Property Activities Schedule of Availability: Tree Top Towers: 9 am - 12 pm and 1-3:20 pm Ziplines & Hatchet Throwing: 9 am - 12 pm and 3:40-6 pm Canoes & Giant Swing: 1-6 pm | ||||||||||||||||
Workshop Descriptions | ||||||||||||||||
WORKSHOP OPPORTUNITIES: SESSION ONE Processing Spiritual Abuse with Chris Inman If you’ve ever felt that you were a bad person in your spiritual life, then this breakout group is for you. Join us as we address many of the shaming aspects intertwined in religion. We will root out these lies while sharing an experience of God’s unconditional love and acceptance. In doing so you will see how to disempower much of your addictive struggle and take a great leap forward your recovery journey. Curious and Compassion: An IFS Approach to Addiction and Trauma with Don Williams Internal Family Systems (IFS) recognizes that as men created in the image and likeness of God (Imago Dei Self), we have parts that try to protect us from trauma and unwanted feelings. Instead of treating our addictive impulse as the enemy, we can learn to access Self so we can get to know the addictive part from a place of curiosity and compassion. Join us to learn how these parts make you whole and lead to healing. Rebuilding Marital Intimacy Through FANOS with Jim Ozgunduz It is very difficult to heal a marriage after betrayal. FANOS is a tool that has helped build trust by providing my wife and I a way to be vulnerable with one another. I am grateful for the opportunity to share how this tool can help you. Finding the "Why" In You Recovery with Patrick Peters Do you know why you're leaning into recovery? Not why anyone else says you should, but why you want to do all this work? Starting from Simon Sinek's "Start With Why" (the 3rd most popular Ted Talk of all time), we'll adapt those principles to recovery. Divorce, Recovery, Singleness and the Desire for someone to Play with Your Penis with Aaron Porter and Mark Shelley Recovery is challenging enough on its own, but what happens when you add in divorce and being single again? How do you navigate things like doing recovery just for you? Or dating and recovery? Join us to share some stories and hopefully a bit of wisdom. WORKSHOP OPPORTUNITIES: SESSION TWO Complex Trauma and the Origin of Unwanted Behaviors: How What Happens Before Your 21st Birthday Sets You Up to Struggle and How to Get Your Life Back with Scott Cone This engaging and fast-past workshop will teach you about attunement, affect regulation and attachment…the three developmental A’s…and why these are so critical to to the formation of our minds, identities and relationships; what happens to us when these needs aren’t met and how this sets us up for turning to unwanted behaviors; and, walk you through practical strategies, processes and tools designed to help you heal the effects of trauma and recovery your authentic self. From Victim to Ownership - What does ‘Do the Work’ actually mean?” with Scott Tomlin Moving from understanding to application. Scott will discuss his journey and how he has made application to his daily routine, which has provided safety and healing for him and the primary relationships in his life. Processing Spiritual Abuse with Chris Inman If you’ve ever felt that you were a bad person in your spiritual life, then this breakout group is for you. Join us as we address many of the shaming aspects intertwined in religion. We will root out these lies while sharing an experience of God’s unconditional love and acceptance. In doing so you will see how to disempower much of your addictive struggle and take a great leap forward your recovery journey. Process Addiction" or Distress Reduction Behavior - Understanding the Differences and Why it's Important with Roane Hunter Process addictions are not the same as substance addictions. While substance addictions involve the use of drugs or alcohol, process addictions involve compulsive behaviors in the areas of sexual compulsivity, eating disorders, money (gambling/shopping), technology (iPhones, gaming, social media), reactive aggression, and reactive avoidance. These behaviors have been labeled "process addictions" when, in reality, they are emotional distress reduction behaviors. Addiction to a chemical substance has life-threatening physiological effects as opposed to distress reduction behaviors that produce negative psychological effects. The reactive avoidance trauma model is a theory of how trauma can lead to the development of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The model proposes that when a person experiences a traumatic event, they learn to associate the event with danger and threat. This association leads to the development of a fear response, which can manifest as avoidance behaviors, hyperarousal (anxiety), and intrusive (unwanted) thoughts. This workshop will help you understand the difference between addiction (chemical) and distress reduction behavior (emotional). We will examine the roots of how reactive avoidance is based in emotional dysregulation, disattunement, and impaired attachment. Understanding Shame: We'll delve into the intricate layers of shame, its origins, and its impact on the recovery process with Roe Hunter Participants will gain valuable insights into recognizing and addressing shame in their lives.
Whether you're in the early stages of recovery or seeking to strengthen your resilience along the way, "Embracing Resilience" is designed to support and inspire you. Reclaim your life, heal from shame, and develop the skills to tolerate distress without turning to addiction. Join us for this empowering workshop and take a significant step toward a brighter, healthier future in recovery. | ||||||||||||||||
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Wednesday, October 18, 2023
Tuesday, October 17, 2023
Monday, October 16, 2023
Embrace The Idea Of Pivoting. Don't Limit Your Recovery To Only Samson Society.
Many of you have hit a wall within your recovery. Attending Samson Society meetings and engaging with your Silas simply isn't cutting the recovery mustard (as it once was).
Have you ever attended a family reunion? A worthwhile and properly administered generational get-together? One where thoughtfulness has been put into the venue, activities, food, etc.?
Many of you are (now) of the opinion that you're not necessarily on the same "freak / loser plane" as your localized Samson group attendees (they're from Mars, you're from Venus or vice versa). Too, your dialogues with your Silas are no longer fresh. And this is curtailing your willingness to be completely honest with him. You know that both of these ugly truths are now working against your steadfast recovery, yet you're continuing to go through the Samson Society motions.
Have you ever walked into a CrossFit gym or stepped foot onto a court / playing field, only to feel especially in sync with the guys who were there too? To the point that the moves you were making equated towards the entirety / synergy of the team?
Within your recovery journey, many of you have found powerful tools - within Samson Society - relative to tamping down one specific vice, but perhaps some of you have now found that another, less familiar vice, has reared its ugly head (in its place) and is subsequently demanding attention. And this latter vice, you've no idea what to make of. All you do know is that it's exciting to participate in yet deeply disturbing simultaneously.
Have you ever been people-watching, perhaps whilst sitting in your truck outside of a busy grocery store and spotted that guy. That. Guy. The one you'd like to sit down and have a cup of Joe with? There's just something about his stride, what he's wearing, how he navigates the throngs. All of this adds up to your finding something relatable / attractive about him. And when he eventually exits the storefront, you (again) can't help but break into a smile as you watch him traverse the asphalt towards his own vehicle, all the while saying a silent prayer for him and his future well-being.
Do you wince at the thought of looking at yourself in the mirror one more time? Feel way too self-focused. Self-critical. Self. Self. Self. Self. Self.
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It may be time to segue towards some alternative recovery efforts, but I would argue only if you've not lost hope that recovery work comes in many different shapes and sizes. Samson Society isn't a panacea. It's essentially one "leading by weakness" man's (Mr. Nate Larkin) authorship of a tome that inspired an extremely horizontal, diversely approachable parachurch ministry that for many men is ONLY THE STARTING POINT.
God bless you, my friend, on your journey. Sometimes hitting the wall is the very best move you can make.
Don't forget to write.
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