The Importance Of Putting Church First

If the church doesn't endure, we all suffer, if not completely falter as the human race.  As such, I do not want my (geographic) community to end up churchless for it serves my personal Jerusalem.  That may sound like a silly notion for someone living in central Mississippi, but I'm by no means one to make assumptions / take anything seemingly ubiquitous for granted.  Situations / trends / worldview & priorities therein can change overnight.  Therefore, you're going to find me & my house prioritizing the church - attendance, tithing / giving, volunteering - 'till we're called home to glory.

I'm so grateful Bob & Darlene (my parents) made church attendance a priority early on in their marriage, and they continue to do so to this day (my dad was ordained as a deacon as a very young man).  And this wasn't an arbitrary church selection.  Instead, they considered their needs, background & the resources therein, and I'm convinced as a result of a fantastic church choice, all three of us were better off.  To summarize:  Our involvement therein grew us forward, cementing our love for Christ / the community of believers.

Now, just because that church choice had certain attributes / demographics baked-in doesn't, by any means, imply that it was / would have been the best / most appropriate choice for every family.  Absolutely not.  Bigger doesn't mean anything.  Nor does Southern Baptis.  Instead, families need to find / support / invest in churches that meet them well / where they're at right then.

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My first Silas was the Youth Pastor at our family's church (Lakeside Pres).  The year was 2009.  Chris came to me, describing himself unabashedly as a "porn addict".  I'd never heard that phrase, but he was serious as a heart attack.  3-4 months later, Christ was officially on probation with our church's elders (though NOT as a direct result of his "extracurricular sexual sin activity").  Having a wife + three beautiful children to support financially, he quickly circled back to Rob, doubling down on his outcry for help.

Why me?  What could I do to help?  (I too was using my fair share of Internet porn at the time, which I admitted to.)

In the end, I came away a changed man after walking intentionally with Chris for well over 18 - 24 months.  Every aspect of my life felt reinforced in light of the relational accountability found within that friendship.  Plus, there was simply the deep-seated love that developed between the two of us.  It truly was fantastic!  

Now, let me declare the exclamation point portion of this short-lived, intensely bright friendship that forced me to adjudicate the role I believed Christ's church must (continue to) play within my (& my family's) life.

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My local (outside of Samson Society) best friend came into my life 3-4 years ago.  He's a lumberjack of a man with a heart of gold.  The gateway for this unlikely friendship to blossom / cultivate was Lakeside Pres.  To be more specific, it was truly hinged on ushering in his oldest daughter / making her comfortable therein (church attendance), and I did this with a reliable ace up my sleeve.

My youngest daughter (who's about my friend's oldest daughter's age).

These two girls couldn't be more different in terms of personality.  As such, I was pleased to see them become fast friends, and from there, my friend's daughter quickly warmed up to not only attending church but specifically, youth activities.

Until she wasn't.

For time has passed and this now 15-year-old girl is far more reticent / outspoken than her former 13-year-old self.

And to top that off, it's not only the daughter that's turned her nose up to attending our church.  My friend's wife is right there with her. 

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Chris and I wrestled (almost literally) over his vocational future (IN or OUT of the church?) after he was given notice (January 31, 2012 - which happened to be his b'day) of his pending termination date (August 1, 2012) from our church, though finally, he and I agreed that it would be best for him to at least acknowledge his "porn addiction" to his supervisor (Assistant Pastor).

In other words, let the cat out of the bag in hopes of finding help / healing / learning to actually be truthful versus a sexual deviant.

But at the last minute, he changed his mind to make that confession.

Therefore, I went alone and did it for him.

As you might imagine, it torpedoed our friendship, but I had no regrets for that action / choice aligned with my love for the church.  Chris was beginning to receive pity endorsements from his supervisors, none of which would have happened had they known the truth about him.

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Tomorrow is death day for my local BFF.  I call it that because it's the date his father unexpectedly passed away a few years prior to me having the good fortune to meet him.  I'll reach out as a courtesy, letting him know I'm praying for he and his during this difficult time.

He'll likely be spending the day (as well as the majority of the weekend) back home in rural MS in honor of his late father.  His widowed mother is still living there along with his two siblings.

Of note is the fact that this week the '26 Lakeside Pres youth trip is ongoing.  As was expected, my friend's daughter chose not to attend.  

If my friend doesn't make it back to the Jackson Metro in time on Sunday morning (to rally the familial troops), none of them will make an appearance at our church.  Instead, they'll simply sit and home and doom scroll social media.  

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How do you rank church?  Is it a high priority for you and yours?  Do you hang with folks who're similarly outlooked regarding the body of Christ?  I thought so.

So do I / we.    

10,950 days

My sweet Angie & I have been married 30 years today.  I'm very fortunate to be able to tout that.

On 1/1/26, Angie had an accident in our kitchen which resulted in her fracturing her patella (left leg) as well as a bone in her shoulder.  The latter fracture didn't require surgery (thankfully), but Angie was unfortunately advised to have the former mechanically repaired.  

Therefore, two screws inserted later (& five days hospitalized at River Oaks), we then returned her to Methodist Rehabilitation Hospital in Jackson for her sophomore stay. 

This fall / need for orthopedic surgery introduced levels of physical pain that Angie had never experienced prior.  It was so very unlike the ramifications of her stroke back in 2020.

As such, it's been a rough 2026 for sweet Angie.

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This morning, I shared my story with a newfound Samson brother.  He asked if I'd ever had sexual relations with another man (this guy, like me, has same-sex attraction).  I told him no.  

Had I never married Angie, I doubt I'd have answered that same question the same way.  

Coitus between husband / wife is such the beautiful, sanctifying illustration between Christ and his church.  Plus, coitus simply is refreshing and fun.  Especially when you're young and horny.  But, to return to that first statement, taking Christ & his church (bride) into consideration, it's imperfect / sometimes quite disillusioned.  In other words, though the sex organs might pragmatically fit together nicely, that by no means guarantees an idyllic outcome.  For the primary sex organ is the human brain.

Nonetheless, coitus for me, within our marriage bed, took quite the turn due to Angie's neurological issues.  For at that point, she became much more like my dependent child than ever before (or every imagined).  As such, coitus simply felt inappropriate.  Too one-sided.  Especially considering how little, if any, she'd be able to contribute.  

When you observe / live with a very sick spouse it reminds you constantly of how fragile and timely and episodic life truly is.  The Bible cites a time / place for everything.  For us, Angie neurological rehabilitation was no way in line with fostering some version of our sex life.  And this was fine by us.  We were elated that she came away from the stroke with what little neurological damage that she did.

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So, considering the past five months and all the extra care / assistance Angie's needed, we're frankly worn out with each other at the present.  There's understandably been a lot of ongoing tension between us that's simply rooted in her being in NEED and me being FUL up.

Humor only goes so far within these situations.  Hence, there've been some high intensity / high volume confrontations, most of which were simply borne out of too close quarters for too damn long.

Considering that, my wife is now absolutely, totally back on her feet!  Sitting in a chair for hours on end isn't yet possible, but otherwise, she's moving and shaking - to the same degree - that she was a few months post-stroke.  

Hence, we're on our way with much to celebrate.  What a privilege it is to be Angie's husband.   

The July Johnson / Jake Spoon Spectrum

I'm re-reading Lonesome Dove.  Currently, I'm over halfway through, having read it initially last year.  

As an ensemble tale, it's incredibly diverse.  Via my sophomore effort, I'm able to slow down enough to really analyze the wide swath of characters.  As such, every chapter is a pleasure.

Lonesome Dove was published in the '80s.  Eventually, it won the Pulitzer Prize.  The novel soon inspired a television screenplay.   That "mini-series" (as they were dubbed by TV network execs back then) changed everything due to it being such the massive hit.  Everyone, & I mean everyone, screened that mini-series back in February of 1989.

That being said, my family was the exception.  Westerns simply weren't our thing.  

This book is so good that I've gifted it to numerous friends / clients, many of which have already read it (or claim to).  

I have to admit that I wish the TV mini-series had never been made.  The book is brutal in its depiction of frontier America, and so amazingly written.  There's no way a video production from the 1980s could do it justice.  Nevertheless, so many readers would have never picked up the tome were it not for the TV series.

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July Johnson is tied familial to the catalyst that sets the entire plot of the novel into motion.  As such, he's like the mirror universe version of Jake Spoon.  It's July's brother who's accidently shot (by Jake Spoon) that triggers his call of duty.  From there, we learn intimately about July's family / job as Sheriff of Fort Smith, AR, and what transpires when he begrudgingly sets out to bring his brother's killer, Jake Spoon, to justice.  

Regarding Jake Spoon, again he's essentially the antithesis of July Johnson (except in the looks department).  Therefore, despite July being considerably younger than Jake, they're equally handsome men - July the lawman and Jake the outlaw.

And what teases the latter truth that much more is the fact that Jake Spoon started out, years prior, as a lawman (Texas Ranger) himself.

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July Johnson is loyal to a fault.  His position as Sheriff, his wife, Elmira, her son, Joe, his moral convictions - all these he's deeply committed.  As such, July represents the law, no matter where he's at, faithfully.  His wife, Elmira, who's (unbeknownst to him) pregnant with his child, he loves endearingly and feigns over primally (despite her disdain / boredom with him).  Elmira's son, Joe, July dedicates himself to wholeheartedly despite there being no biological tie between the two of them.  And then there're his moral convictions.  July refuses to gamble, drink or fornicate (with whores or otherwise).  In fact, his stoic outlook therein coincides moreso with Captain Woodrow Call than any other character within the novel (more on Woodrow Call within a later post).  

Yet, July Johnson feels deeply and so very healthily / maturedly and is undeniable in showing / processing it - within almost every circumstance.  He is the epitome of emotional constipation.  And this is especially the case when he's around women.  Yet, these feelings aren't for the women themselves.  Instead, they're tangential feelings that are drawn out by the feminine.  Feelings that are much deeper and more permanent than those anchored within sole physical attraction of any kind (same or opposite sex).

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Jake Spoon.

What else can I say?  

He's the ladies man.  The gambler, the carouser with quite the uncalibrated moral compass.  Jake is loyal to no one but himself and his desires.  He's absolutely cognizant of his attributes / weaknesses / likes / dislikes, and is by no means looking to expand his horizons any further as a human being.  Hence, he's a true coward amongst men whilst being a swashbuckler amongst the beauties.  Jake loves physical pleasure in any form, but first & foremost, he's drawn to beautiful, sexually available women.   

To survive, he gambles, always looking for a sucker to beat, going city to city (town to town) holing up in saloons (w/ whorehouses upstairs).

And, oh man, Jake's relationships with the whores is really one of the primary drivers of the plot.  Due to this, you might assume his swagger equates to some semblance of emotional maturation.  That assumption couldn't be farther from the truth. 

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The ultimate resolution for each of these characters is markedly different, but each fitting to who they are morally.  I like this about the plot, though so many of the minor characters aren't judged with the same weights & measures.  

And that's where the shocking brutality comes in.  

It's not gratuitous but McMurtry absolutely doesn't pull in punches.  

Do yourself a favor and pick up this tome today.  If for any reason other than following the contrast between these two very memorable characters.  They're so vibrantly realistic.  You're bound to find both yourself and so many other Samson brothers along the July Johnson / Jake Spoon spectrum.  

Ain't No (Nor Has There Ever Been Any) Stigma Here!

You can't help but notice the Samson Society ghosts.  This is especially true during the Samson Summits (annual retreats).  It's always jarring to me.  Some of these MIA were absolutely on the forefront of promoting / carrying the recovery torch forward via their greater participation (especially considering their commitment to attend the Summits).  In essence, they were the kind of guys that would easily have been considered standouts, and as such, none of them seemed at all bothered by their inclusion into this community.

And then they weren't included.  At least within Samson Society (perhaps they went elsewhere).

It's sobering.  Especially for someone who's been involved since August 2014, observing this ministry grow / become / mature ever since.  Men are constantly moving in & out, in & out.

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Here in MS, so few Samson men dare step out from their in-person meeting (as opposed to the virtual), therefore I'm of the opinion that this fluidic reality (simply due to nil exposure to the community-at-large) takes longer to take hold.  But give it enough time, and I believe it absolutely will.  And when it does, it begs the question-

Therefore, what exactly drives the temporariness then of (admitting to) belonging to this community?

Stigma, of course.

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One of Satan's greatest tools is stigma.  So, what is it?  

It's a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one's reputation.

I first witnessed this with my initial Silee, a disgraced music minister (he & I connected formally just a few months after I first stepped foot into Mr. Don Waller's in-person Samson meeting).  This young man was so very handsome, gifted as a crooner / having catered to the rich, white Christians within his small-town MS protestant church.  Until he was exposed / cast out in hopes of salvaging the reputation of his former employer.

Every meeting for this stud was marked with unavoidable stigma.  Every.  Meeting.  And that was understandable to a certain degree.

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So, what about Rob?  Where's his stigma?

I'm not exactly sure how to answer that question, but I believe it's been eradicated by two truths:

1.  I love / benefit tremendously via marinating within the authentic company of Christian (or otherwise) men.

2.  I love to serve men, especially distraught, needful men who desire a listening ear / open mind.

This means I'm a long-termer here within this community.  So, what does that look like exactly?

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I host a Samson Society newcomers meeting + a standard format Samson meeting every week.  These meetings buttress my weekends, and as such do me a great service in light of my weekends being particular opportunistic (to do stupid).  I also pay fairly close attention to the Samson Community Chat section of the "Samson Community" app that's available via the iOS & Android app stores.  

If you look at Samson Society resume, it's extensive.  Nonetheless, this doesn't make me languish or even feel, in the slightest, that I'm a loser / defective.  I truly see this community as my buried treasure that required me to then buy the field where the treasure resided.  

It's like the space I've always been looking for.

A close second therein is the gym.  Strength training sessions - week after week after week - also readily fill a massive need within my life.

Raw, authentic Christian masculinity is the flame.  I'm the moth.  

  

As Far As I'm Concerned, Your Wife Can Go Jump Off A Cliff / Peers Not Apply

If you're going to befriend, truly befriend a brother in Christ, and you yourself are married (or even if you're not), it's expected that his wife, fairly quickly, becomes part of the befriending process.  For her opinion of you will play some, if not a whole lot of semblance of a role in not only his availability to you going forward but his outlook towards you.  And this is how it should be.  Husbands / wives are one flesh.  What good would a spouse be otherwise?

At the very tail end of a Silee relationship many years ago, I had a young friend disclose - in so many words - that it was his wife who'd "opened his eyes" to the "toxicity of our relationship".  Ouch.  And all of this ultimately grew out of him vehemently disagreeing with me regarding his mental health.  This clearly demonstrated to Rob two things:

-  Younger men elevating me into a position of authority only ushers in relational complicatedness.

-  Me divulging my sexual identity issues immediately put me into a position of suspect / mistrust (especially with certain wives).

These are the two biggest obstacles I face as it pertains to building / maintaining friendships within this community of men.  As such, I've learned to coach younger friends to NOT see me as some sort of mentor, for Pete's sake (which is completely antithetical to Samson Society as a whole).  Regarding the latter, I believe most wives who're eventual to make relational conclusions (involving my sexuality as they believe to understand it) are likely either lacking confidence in themselves / their man / their marriage or just perhaps they're just plain mean.

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So, what to do when it becomes readily apparent that your friend isn't equally yoked?  In other words, she's not in agreement with him regarding priorities, less mature, and so forth?

Or what if she's a ticking time bomb or ridiculously negligent (health, finances, etc.)?

That's the main point / question asked within / of this post.

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Of the two of us (I'm referring to my own marriage), I'm the social butterfly.  Never in the 30 years pasts has Angie volunteered ideas related to being social with other couples.  And I believe this is simply due to the fact that she's well aware I'm going to take that lead (for which I'm grateful she allows me to do).  

As such, we've ushered in what feels like hundreds of couples / families into our home / out to eat that were newbies at our church.  

Why?

Our church, overall, isn't the friendliest (we're staunch Presbyterians).

Angie and I both know what's it's like to be left out / feel isolated.

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There are times when I'm FAR MORE MOTIVATED to put my hospitality hat on, and mostly that's tied to me being attracted to the guy.  It's inevitable.

And when I say attracted, I'm not referring exclusively to the physical.  I'm equally referring to personality as well.

As such, assholes, for the most part, I've now learned / been motivated to steer clear of, but I've had to learn this lesson the hard way.  

So, what to do when - over time - it becomes readily apparent that despite the fact that I'm 100% onboard with nurturing a friendship with the guy, the asymmetry within his marriage becomes more & more responsible for keeping him from doing the same?  And I'm referring to an asymmetry that's a drag to not only his marriage but the children who've been brought into his family.  

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And then there's the history (particularly the traumatic / shameful) of the friend that may or may not be known.  Particularly as it pertains to his own upbringing / familial history.  That can be deeply influential (his outlook / expectations on marriage), but me not having access therein, puts blinders on my own point of view.  

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In conclusion, most men aren't like Rob.  Seeking out fresh friendship is hard, risky and fraught with the unpredictable.  And this is especially true when wives / children are involved.  The typical middle-aged man is happy to lean into his wife's friends' husbands, his colleagues at work, fellow deacons within the church, siblings, etc.  Anything to not have to take the risk / expend the energy towards fostering a new friendship.  

Are any of these true friends?  No.  They're peers.

What good, ultimately, is a fucking peer?

And that's the answer to my post.

The Loser Husband

The Loser Husband is the one who's truly "married up".  We joke about that, but you know what I'm referring to.  Think seriously misbalanced asymmetry (taking Biblical complementarian teachings into consideration).  

In the past, I believe the Loser Husband was much more the norm.  He existed because our culture provided opportunistically for his existence.  

And this was simply due to how expected / necessary (to survive / thrive) it was for women to marry / have children.  But that's not the case anymore.  Women, these days, are overall better educated, more tech savvy, physically healthier, and on and on.  Hence, they're allowed to be much more cautious about choosing a husband in light of settling for a Loser.

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So, what is a Loser Husband exactly?   

They're husbands who refuse to lead their families, and I have found that they do this mostly via a distinctly passive approach.  In other words, most of them attempt to dress for the part of headship, but underneath, their wife is simply another manifestation of their momma (real or imagined).  Based on my observations, this husband "type" is typically highly intelligent / articulate, and therefore well aware of this preferential mother / son setup / dynamic between himself & his wife.  Think of them as very savvy boymen.

As such, assuming she's an emotionally, spiritually healthy Christian wife, this woman is saddled with responsibility that should be considered unnecessarily burdensome due to the fact that she's privy to her own image-bearer limitations as a female.  Plus, it's simply embarrassing leading around / serving up to their boyman.    

It's a bad situation (unnecessarily burdensome) for her and for her children.  Much worse, I would argue, than dealing with a husband who's made poor choices as it pertains to sexual sin (porn use, infidelity) and is deeply remorseful & therefore willing to get therapeutic help.  

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This topic is top of mind for me today because Angie and I have a few friends who're wives of Loser Husbands, and we're praying / hoping their situation will someday improve.  And these women ARE NOT pleased with their situations, yet this truth isn't public (though readily apparent to those within her orbit).

In closing, there are marriages where the wife prefers this upside-down scenario.  I find that most of those women are mentally ill.  We're seeing less & less of this setup though due to the fact that mental illness is being diagnosed / treated so much more readily than in previous generations.

Please pray for our female friends and their marriages.