If you're going to befriend, truly befriend a brother in Christ, and you yourself are married (or even if you're not), it's expected that his wife, fairly quickly, becomes part of the befriending process. For her opinion of you will play some, if not a whole lot of semblance of a role in not only his availability to you going forward but his outlook towards you. And this is how it should be. Husbands / wives are one flesh. What good would a spouse be otherwise?
At the very tail end of a Silee relationship many years ago, I had a young friend disclose - in so many words - that it was his wife who'd "opened his eyes" to the "toxicity of our relationship". Ouch. And all of this ultimately grew out of him vehemently disagreeing with me regarding his mental health. This clearly demonstrated to Rob two things:
- Younger men elevating me into a position of authority only ushers in relational complicatedness.
- Me divulging my sexual identity issues immediately put me into a position of suspect / mistrust (especially with certain wives).
These are the two biggest obstacles I face as it pertains to building / maintaining friendships within this community of men. As such, I've learned to coach younger friends to NOT see me as some sort of mentor, for Pete's sake (which is completely antithetical to Samson Society as a whole). Regarding the latter, I believe most wives who're eventual to make relational conclusions (involving my sexuality as they believe to understand it) are likely either lacking confidence in themselves / their man / their marriage or just perhaps they're just plain mean.
-------------------------
So, what to do when it becomes readily apparent that your friend isn't equally yoked? In other words, she's not in agreement with him regarding priorities, less mature, and so forth?
Or what if she's a ticking time bomb or ridiculously negligent (health, finances, etc.)?
That's the main point / question asked within / of this post.
-------------------------
Of the two of us (I'm referring to my own marriage), I'm the social butterfly. Never in the 30 years pasts has Angie volunteered ideas related to being social with other couples. And I believe this is simply due to the fact that she's well aware I'm going to take that lead (for which I'm grateful she allows me to do).
As such, we've ushered in what feels like hundreds of couples / families into our home / out to eat that were newbies at our church.
Why?
Our church, overall, isn't the friendliest (we're staunch Presbyterians).
Angie and I both know what's it's like to be left out / feel isolated.
-------------------------
There are times when I'm FAR MORE MOTIVATED to put my hospitality hat on, and mostly that's tied to me being attracted to the guy. It's inevitable.
And when I say attracted, I'm not referring exclusively to the physical. I'm equally referring to personality as well.
As such, assholes, for the most part, I've now learned / been motivated to steer clear of, but I've had to learn this lesson the hard way.
So, what to do when - over time - it becomes readily apparent that despite the fact that I'm 100% onboard with nurturing a friendship with the guy, the asymmetry within his marriage becomes more & more responsible for keeping him from doing the same? And I'm referring to an asymmetry that's a drag to not only his marriage but the children who've been brought into his family.
-------------------------
And then there's the history (particularly the traumatic / shameful) of the friend that may or may not be known. Particularly as it pertains to his own upbringing / familial history. That can be deeply influential (his outlook / expectations on marriage), but me not having access therein, puts blinders on my own point of view.
-------------------------
In conclusion, most men aren't like Rob. Seeking out fresh friendship is hard, risky and fraught with the unpredictable. And this is especially true when wives / children are involved. The typical middle-aged man is happy to lean into his wife's friends' husbands, his colleagues at work, fellow deacons within the church, siblings, etc. Anything to not have to take the risk / expend the energy towards fostering a new friendship.
Are any of these true friends? No. They're peers.
What good, ultimately, is a fucking peer?
And that's the answer to my post.
No comments:
Post a Comment