What Aspired Rob To Climb Upward Towards Nate?

Mr. Nate Larkin, the founder of Samson Society, paid a visit to the Jackson, Mississippi Samson groups back in August of 2017.  I don't believe that was his first visit here relative to regional-specific Samson "marketing", but I do believe it does represent his most recent.  He'd been in Alabama a few days prior, speaking at a men's conference (sponsored by a church).  From there, he and Dr. Tom Mouka drove west to the illustrious Magnolia State.  They'd arrived later than had been planned, but nonetheless, in plenty of time for the local Samson guys who'd come to share a meal (BBQ pork + homemade dessert, if I remember correctly) and meet THE MAN face-to-face.  

I'm pretty certain this was the same year I began attending National Samson Society retreats in middle, TN (November of that same year).  Leading up to this dinnertime meet & greet, I vaguely remember becoming frustrated with one of our local Samson group facilitators who refused to make this event a priority.  His excuse for not attending was so impetuous, I felt certain he was hiding his true loner motive.

-------------------------

Samson Society wouldn't exist were it not for Nate Larkin.  Taking all the good that's come from this ministry into consideration, why wouldn't you make meeting THE MAN a priority?

My theory relative to answering this question is as follows:  Nate is nondescript, he leads with weakness & he becomes visibly uncomfortable at even the slightest identifier (adulation) of fame.

Take a hard look at the photograph above, taken towards the end of the evening during that '17 event.  If you didn't know who Mr. Nate Larkin was, would you be able to confidently pick out the founder of the Samson Society within that photo?  

I would argue that of everyone pictured there, Dr. Tom Moucka looks the most "Samson Society leaderly", simply by taking his countenance, posture, dress and build into consideration.  But that's not Nate.  That's Tom.  Tom and Nate are great friends, but Nate is what I described above (which isn't Tom).

-------------------------

Archie Manning has always been my father's primary role model.  A close, close second to Mr. Manning is Dr. James Dobson.  As a sidenote, I've always believed that my father's dream job would be serving as the Manning family butler (at their NOLA estate).  

Both of these noteworthy leaders have many, many admirable attributes / characteristics, and I would argue that first and foremost, it's their respective (spotless, squeaky clean) reputations that draw so many admirers.  Archie is Mr. Ole Miss football.  Plus, his pedigree has brought to bear strapping next (& next) generation athletes that honor his puritanical, hardworking, All-American legacy.  Dr. Dobson's audience is mainly women (housewives), but for whatever reason, my dad has always had a soft spot for Dobson's mellow, sublime yet earnest style (radio delivery).  If my dad has cut one monthly donation check to Dobson, he's cut a thousand, and will continue to do so until the day he dies (putting his money where his admiration is).

-------------------------

Around twenty years ago, I began seeing a staff therapist at First Baptist Church Jackson (Summit Counseling) in response to the ramp up I was experiencing relative to my Internet porn use.  This man had watched me grow up, having come to our church when I was in either the 4th or 5th grade.  One of the questions he asked me during a session (about halfway through the +/-6 months I saw him regularly) was, "What men at our church do you admire?"

I remember his surprise when I simply couldn't tick off a list of 5-6 candidates that we both knew might qualify for excellent "masculine (Christian) admiration candidates".  I sat there in his office feeling strange, knowing I'd disappointed him by not answering.  

At that point in my life (I was around the age of 30 at this time), what I saw both within Christian and professional circles were men whose primary goal was to fixate on their reputations above all else.  Hence, when it came to dirty laundry (skeletons in their closets), these effectively remained hidden.  Regarding "company they kept", it seemed obvious that losers need not apply.  And regarding notoriety (fame), these men covertly embraced it wholeheartedly (every chance they could).

One overarching truth relative to this observation was how in contrast their modus operandi was compared to Jesus Christ (as chronicled within the four gospels).  And this is primarily what kept me from fully admiring them / holding them up as role models.

-------------------------

I had lunch last week with a local Samson newbie who I met via the greater Samson universe (Slack).  He asked some great questions about my experience in Samson, one of which prompted me to write this post.

I never realized how much I admire Mr. Nate Larkin 'till I began taking a harder look at my own recovery / commitment therein to that recovery.  Recovery takes a long-term commitment, and the vessel therein by which recovery is accomplished is massively important.  I've no desire to throttle back my ongoing involvement within Samson Society.  Not because I'm "still having a grand time", but because I ultimately want to support Nate's ministry and Nate himself to the best of my ability.  As such, longevity is no doubt a big part of that.  

In closing, Mr. Nate Larkin is a textbook introvert.  It doesn't take long to pick up on this.  Whenever he's present at the National Retreats, you can tell he's being "sucked dry" of emotional / spiritual energy.  Hence, he's also unusual as a ministry leader in that regard.  And just so you know, I'm also an introvert.

There's a lot to be said for finding Christian men to look up to.  By doing so, you're positioning yourself well to learn from and in turn, support therein.  I honestly didn't believe I'd ever find my Archie Manning / Dr. James Dobson, but by God's grace, I most certainly did.

Cruelty In Samson Society (There Are No Referees)

If you've been engaged within Samson Society for any length of time, you've likely been the victim of some cruelty.  And on the flip side of that, you've likely instigated some regretful words / actions you yourself onto your Samson brothers.  

I can recall the first time this happened to me.  I'd attended a funeral - out of town - with a Samson guy who also knew my parents (Bob & Darlene).  As we were driving back to Jackson, he asked me a rhetorical question that was so heartless to receive.  I remember simply sitting there within the passenger seat of his SUV stunned speechless.  

And unfortunately, it changed my mindset regarding this trusted Samson guy forever.  For I knew exactly where his pointed question had originated:  envy / mistrust and cruelty.  

And it hurt intensely to be his vulnerable target on that day.

But cruelty is fun.  You have to admit to it.  Especially when you're tired or bored or simply becoming annoyed of someone's mundanity / quirks.  And I believe that's what happened in this case.  For my Samson brother was / is from a big bio family (brothers galore) where the expected posturing was no doubt prevalent.  I'm from a tiny family (only child), and I loathe / condone posturing of any ilk.

Have I forgiven this man?  Absolutely.  Yet, I won't (& haven't) be spending much (extended) one-on-one time with him ever again (unless absolutely necessary).  For I feel so moved to protect myself from his cruel interrogation bent.

-------------------------

Thanks to Samson Society, I quickly befriended a young Alabamian who'd been transferred (with his young family) to the Jackson Metro due to this vocation.  This young AL Samson guy was initially invited to the Lakeside Pres Samson Society meeting (which I was facilitating) and chose to attend.

With just a handful of Samson Society meetings under his belt, it became apparent to me that he'd became mesmerized by Rob.  And when I say mesmerized, I'm talking he put me on a pedestal that was stratospheric.  

Yet, he loathed Mississippi(ans), his work in Mississippi, the church they (he & his wife & child) were attending, and he'd no real interest anymore in his faith (in spite of the fact that he was a homeschooled pastor's son).  

But there was one thing that he could not stop ruminating on:  the exceedingly sexy Human Resources Officer at his work who he'd slyly befriended.  For this intoxicating relationship was unlike any he'd ever experienced.

I can remember reaching out to one of the Elders of our church in order to schedule times to pray specifically for this young Alabamian.  I also prayed with my mother (this was a first) in the same vein.  For my young Samson friend's marriage was in tatters due to this "emotional affair", and he was so incredibly despondent / conflicted overall.  Yet, throughout, he was unusually bright and articulate.  Funny and kindhearted.  All of which drew me to him.

And then further down the road he admitted to being clinically depressed.  Or so he thought.

I concurred, strongly urging him to seek therapeutic help.  At this point, I was exhausted as his friend.  The constant negativity / hypercriticality was overwhelming to bear.  "GET PROFESSIONAL HELP!"  "GET PROFESSIONAL HELP!"  "GET PROFESSIONAL HELP!"

As a result, all regularly scheduled communication ceased.  No more emails.  No more meetings (draft beer drinking) in my garage.  Eventually, he took the opportunity to benignly chew my ass out relative to his now shunning prerogative (to protect himself from demon Rob?).  He even went so far as to tell me he'd be happy to meet with me further, at any point in the future, so long as it wasn't one-on-one.  WTF?

Now, keep in mind, he did thank me respectfully for my time / effort invested whilst making it clear that my platonic services were no longer needed.  Thank you very much.

You're welcome?!?  Good riddance.

------------------------

Seething within Samson guys is often hard to continually stomach.  Particularly when it's aimed upwards.  A lot of guys have such a difficult time resisting the temptation to rank themselves against each other (out of anger).  Especially if their past travails are far darker (within their own eyes) than your own.  Pettiness can grow out of this imbalance therein.  And it can metastasize slowly over the years.  I've had to decouple myself from Samson men as a result.  Men who'd become childish with their quips and petty overcorrections.  Thanks be to God for the ability to block contacts on smartphones.  It's the Steve Jobs' equivalent of a discreet exit.  

I realize that may sound cruel on its own accord, but keep in mind that I gave these Samson men years and years of rope to either hang themselves with or build a bridge (between us).  Per my experience, anger bequeaths the former almost every time.  It is a tough, tough emotion to bear within friendship.

-------------------------

The wives of local Samson guys can torpedo friendships within the Samson community.  Especially if they found themselves responsible for steering the familial ship during their Samson husband's "acting out" (neglectful) years (decades?).  

Suggest to that Samson husband (as his Silas) his need to NOW (accounting for his active recovery efforts) take the reins relative to shoring up marginalized areas of his clan (sans the wife's blessing), and she may very well demonize you in an effort to fortify her comfortable leadership perch.

And this being no matter how much time / effort / resolve you've poured into her man.  Her control (or sense thereof) may very well take precedent (out of fear).

-------------------------

And finally, there're simply bad days for every Samson guy.  Days where fatigue and emotional exhaustion are too much.  Align those conditions with two (or more) Samson guys who've known (& trusted) each other for many years, and you can potentially have a recipe for relational fallout (of the most intense sort) in just a matter of minutes.  For the tongue is full of poison.  

I had this happen to me at the last in-person Jackson, Mississippi Samson Society meeting I attended (October '21).  In fact, the situation escalated so quickly that my heart absolutely breaks whilst thinking back on it.  

So many painful words.  So much rubble left behind relative to that / those friendship(s).  

-------------------------

During the live podcast recording at the 2022 National Samson Society Retreat last weekend, one of the Jackson, Mississippi Samson guys who attended cited (in general terms) his own hurtful experiences within the local Samson Society here within the Jackson Metro area.  In doing so, (I believe) he'd hoped forlornly (from Mr. Nate Larkin & Mr. Aaron Porter) for some antidote to these horrible relational failures which cause such tremendous pain / disappointment.     

I silently appreciated (I was in the audience) this young man's courage to bring this to our fearless Samson Society leaders.  For it's what instigated me to finally write this post.  

Genuine Samson Society relationships are hard.  That's why most men aren't interested therein.  There're no guardrails.  There're no referees.  In fact, the Samson Society charter doesn't address any sort of "Code of Conduct" for a Samson guy.  And that's intentional, for sure.  

As Christians, we're called to put others before ourselves.  Yet, even within scripture, we can see friendships between Bible characters pivot or sour altogether (sometimes violently).  

What I've found is God uses these developments too.  For I've never become bitter, only further hopeful, motivating me to anticipate what's next relative to platonic connection and love within this ministry.   

Be forewarned.  Don't adjudicate the ministry of Samson Society itself solely through the lens of your inevitable Samson guys' relational heartache.  Jesus' disciples fought / loved hard, yet they never lost sight of their purpose in following their Lord together.   

This photo was taken during last weekend's 2022 National Samson Society Retreat.  It represents the current lineup of Samson guys who attend "Make Thursdays Great Again" on Thursday nights at 7 PM CST (virtual Samson Society meeting).  As you can see, our virtual Samson group was well represented amongst the 150+ Samson guys who attended this wonderful retreat. 

Lagniappe

Recommended Viewing As We Embark Into Holy Week

I remember seeing this years ago, and having a good laugh.  I'd not had any exposure to The Onion prior.  

The fact that Jesus was God in the flesh can be / should be our focus this week.  He was definitely selfless and brave, but it's his flesh that made him one of us.  

Today, he's just as God in the flesh as he was when he was here on Earth.  We know this from the Bible.  When he ascended, he didn't leave his flesh behind.  Only the Holy Spirit was left.  

Therefore today, as New Testament (Gentile) Christians, our identity in Christ is one that's mated to a God in the flesh.

As a man, particularly a Samson man, I can find myself at times having difficulty making peace with my flesh.  And it's during these times when I absolutely forget that Christ is no different than I am as the son of God.  God in the flesh.  Flexing his muscles for the angels.

Lagniappe

Integrated

I feel wholly integrated into Samson Society.  It's taken almost eight years, but I've officially arrived.  And this is no fault of anyone.  Instead, it's testimony to how broken I was when I first stepped foot into the original Jackson, Mississippi meeting back in August of 2014.  

I've always been weighed down by my spiritual gifts.  That - combined with how impossible it is to see myself with any real clarity - positioned me perfectly for a serious emotional rape back in September of 2013 (institutional job termination).  And the shell of a man - contemplating suicide - is what walked into Samson Society all those many years ago.

I thought I'd summarize my journey here in order to clearly spell out that feeling integrated into this community can take a whole lot of time / patience / commitment.

August 2014 - Attend first Jackson, MS Samson Society meeting - First Baptist Church Jackson

October 2014 - Formally agree to firstly become another man's Silas

June 2015 - Attend a Jackson, MS Samson Society retreat (South MS)

December 2015 - Ask another man to be my Silas

April 2016 - Attend second Jackson, MS Samson Society retreat (Highlands, NC)

2017 - Begin attending first Jackson, MS Samson Society spinoff group (Grace Crossing Church -Gluckstadt)

April 2017 - Attend third Jackson, MS Samson Society retreat (Highlands, NC)

Summer 2017 - Begin facilitating the Lakeside Presbyterian Church Samson Society group

November 2017 - Attend first National Samson Society retreat (Middle TN)

February 2018 - Organize first (and only) local (by Rob invitation only) Samson Society retreat (Yazoo county, MS)

November 2018 - Attend second National Samson Society retreat (Middle TN)

January 2019 - Ask another man to be my Silas (#2)

November 2019 - Attend third National Samson Society retreat (Middle TN)

November 2020 - Attend fourth National Samson Society retreat (Middle TN)

July 2021 - Attend Samson Society "Telling Your Story" regional retreat (North GA)

October 2021 - Retire from Samson Society facilitator role at Lakeside Presbyterian Church

November 2021 - Attend fifth National Samson Society retreat (Middle TN)

December 2021 - Ask another man to be my Silas (#3)

December 2021 - Begin attending "Make Thursdays Great Again" virtual Samson Society meeting

February 2022 - Attend second Samson Society "Telling Your Story" regional retreat (Gulf Shores, AL)

That's a whole lotta Samson Society over the past eight years.  All in all, I've attended +/-400 meetings, been served by three Silases, served countless Samson guys as their Silas, attended four dedicated Mississippi Samson Society retreats, five National Samson Society retreats, and two regional Samson Society retreats.

And it's taken all of that to usher me into where I'm at today.  Fully integrated.

In closing, I'm still on fire for this men's ministry.  Just as much as I was at the outset.  I see God's spirit moving / working still in mighty ways.  Plus, to feel fully integrated therein is exceedingly special.  

Samson Society is the coolest venue I've experienced where talking openly about one's sin actively interrupts Satan's wiles.  As such, it's during those sweet episodes where there's great risk.  Risk that God can and certainly does use to grow us forward as his children. 

 

Samson Guys, As They Navigate Their Friendships Within The Community, Must Prioritize The Affirming

The title of this post is my personal opinion.  And it's important to note that it's been my modus operandi relative to the Samson Society throughout my (7 year) participation therein.  I realize it sounds self-centered (selfish), but my point of view - as it's written about here - is always on my personal recovery.  Therefore, everyone likely won't agree with me after reading this post.  But do realize, that this approach has absolutely worked for Rob.

-------------------------

What I mean by the affirming is receiving affirmation from other Samson guys.  Specific affirmation as it pertains to how you yourself may be wired (by God's design).  For me, I receive affirmation from guys when I'm actively listened to.

Now, let me qualify that statement:  actively listened to.

I'm not referring to another Samson guy having his ears open and hearing Rob.  I'm referring to Samson guys who are attracted / interested enough to / in me to intentionally probe (query) - out of compassion / concern.  

This is active listening.

In regards to this, one of the most burdensome red flags is when I sense my friend's probing is compulsory, or worse, it's being done out of malice (envy, slander, fatalism) or really worse, mistrust.  And this happens at times.  We're human beings.  Though once I suspect it, I have a choice to make - continue forward politely or make a discreet exit.  I usually, to some degree, do the former.  And this is because I know that every situation / circumstance doesn't stand on its own, and that my sensitivity to this may not at all reflect reality.  In other words, I provide them with the benefit of the doubt and play the long game.

-------------------------

Human beings want to be listened to, noticed.  This is what drives social media.  And it's made for a society of constant talkers with not very many active listeners.

But they are out there.  You just have to be patient and ask God for his grace to bring them your way (again, if that's how you receive affirmation).

Over time there's a high probability that your actively listening friends' interest in you will wane (as will your interest in them).  Hence, if you're like me, you'll carry on 'till your polite mask falls (or disintegrates) off.  

What's unfortunate about this is the derision that can result.  For sometimes Samson guys (many of which have a whole lot to say!) who're altogether presented (sometimes maybe even jolted) with your specific affirmation priority - that being needing / wanting to be heard - may dramatically deflect / reject the overflow / pushback that they're now finding themselves cornered into listening to.  Essentially, they come away feeling like they've been cheated or lied to relative to your tendency to yield them the floor / navigate the waters - by default.

And I honestly don't know how to balance this relational degradation issue with one's own needs, particularly as a Christian.

-------------------------

Active listening takes skill combined with intelligence (including emotional).  I've found myself to be quite fortunate to have ascertained this skillset.  It is no doubt my most cherished skill, though overall it's in no way qualitatively superior than any other friend tool.  There're plenty of others that I genuinely suck at.  Genuinely.

How might you receive affirmation?  Once you recognize it, do yourself a favor and use it to filter your Samson Society friendships accordingly.  Your recovery will thank you.  Customized affirmation from Samson friends equates to love lived out.  Men in recovery depend on that love.  It's a primary means of God's healing hand within your broken self.

The Safety / Comfort Of Playing The Victim Runs Counter To The Ideology Of The Samson Society.

Samson Society was founded by a man who refused to play the victim.  In fact, during the height of his sexual deviance (whilst serving as a pastor & before his chronic sexual sin was publicly exposed), he did the right thing by willingly hanging up his pastoral frock.  By doing so, he properly stood up for not only himself / his family but his flock.  Mr. Nate Larkin did this (as far as I know) sans any external pressures.  Hence, this is why he's my hero.

It is extremely unusual to find a pastor whose humility combined with his compassion fuels enough conviction to make this kind of move. 

I cannot emphasize that enough.

I cannot help but believe that so much of God's blessing on the Samson Society is a result of Nate's character in this regard.

-------------------------

My experience, living here in Mississippi for close to (50) years, is that locally, we're a people group who's deeply unsympathetic to the dramatization of victimhood.  Yet, on a national level, the reverse is true.  And this is because our default on the national stage is so often to play the victim for all it's worth ($$$).  Hence, yes we'll readily admit to being the fattest and the most racially divided so long as you'll keep our federal funding intact and never quit subsidizing our access to entertainment (TV, Internet).

We here in Mississippi are a deeply religious state, yet take great pride in our independent, strong-willed character.  So much so that our overall sympathetic tone-deafness typically serves as a de facto quarantine(r) (between us and outsiders).

Living here, you must make peace with / respect the hyper-conservative (read: fiercely religiously independent) points of view (outlook, temperament) being par for the course.  

-------------------------

I've lived within the suburbs of Jackson (capital city) all of my life (except whilst pursuing my college degree).  Throughout the past 40 years, they've exploded in growth due to individuals choosing to remove themselves from and therefore reside outside of Jackson.  Hence, the energy / efforts / devotion of us suburban Jacksonians has been poured into the suburbs.  And these suburban cities (Clinton, Brandon, Ridgeland, Madison, Pearl) have benefited tremendously therein over the previous five decades.  

What's significant about this?

It speaks to the notion of having the chutzpah to simply abandon the center and move instead to the extremities.  And from there, working collectively to ingratiate this new place / these new places under the mantle of complete independence.  This chutzpah is manifested in and celebrated therein through the successful individuality / independence of these edge cities.

-------------------------

We've considered an overall (big picture) and (somewhat) recent historically distinct portrayal of this place.  How does this modus operandi translate to our hearts as residents of the Magnolia State?

We Mississippians have a penchant for both sexual independence (hop in the sack when you're good and ready) and finger pointing / shaming as it pertains to illicit sexual activity (outside of a straight marriage bed).  As such we're some of the most pejoratively sexually active people.  Loving to hate our sexual selves even while we're conceiving considerably more (than the national average) out-of-wedlock children.

Mississippi is no doubt filled with a lot of exceedingly horny do-gooders / dirty minded holy rollers.    

And frankly, I believe that's where our independent thinking catches up with us.  But that rabbit is there for me to chase another day...

[Please remember, dear reader, that I was a typical Mississippi bastard child, therefore I speak personally here.]

-------------------------

Having written / thought through all of that (as I was typing), I'm wondering now if moreso the opposite of playing the victim is simply devoted obedience.  In lieu of fierce independence.  

New Testament scripture thematically promotes a yielding to the realization / penalty of our sinful nature whilst embracing our newfound glory in Christ.  A glory that's consistently espoused itself towards community - existing under his headship.  

As we all know, today, so many of us men, Christian or otherwise, find that it's our sexuality that's been deeply corrupted / distorted, thereby blanketing us as sure 'nuff guilty.  Samson Society, therefore, is uniquely positioned to promote / drive home the importance of fierce obedience by our demonstrating to each other (& inversely to ourselves) the same - potency of love - that Christ shown within the gospels.  It's a love that should firstly be rooted in our allegiance to him and the example he set for us (no matter the scale of the group).  I'm hopeful to expound on how that's specifically manifested itself within my life about ten years ago inside the confounds of my first Silas relationship.  Stayed tuned for my next post.

Are You Platonically Tone Deaf? (These Are Concentrated Relationships Herein.) Be Aware Of That.

Friendships have a cadence.  A flow.  Therefore, "sight reading" can be vitally important if you're just getting started (with a new Samson guy or otherwise).  It's paramount that you at least pick up on the tempo.  Otherwise, you'll likely fall flat fairly quickly.

Many years ago, I befriended a younger man (this was my first foray), and he admitted to "not knowing how to do friendship".  This admission was quite unexpected as he had an immense amount of personal and professional confidence / ambition.  Whilst looking back on that multi-year friendship, I believe his failed platonic track record had a whole lot to do with his generational wiring (this guy was much younger than I was).  

Relating to people takes being able to read people well enough to react personally (keyword) respectful.  

Never not having the Internet to distract seems to make for some less than stellar - patiently listening / observing - people readers.  And not because that generation isn't capable.  No, I believe it has more to do with either refusing to be distractable, or easily / by default consistently being distracted.  As such, the former attribute is readily perceived as a cop out whereas the latter exemplifies laziness.  No matter, however it's perceived, distraction away from your friend isn't doing your friendship any favors.

All and all (overarching truth), observing people takes an immense amount of curiosity if the observation is to be genuinely charitable. 

And curiosity must be structured as a long game.  Weeks, months, years.  

On a similar note, but quite different overall, is novelty which is momentary.  Hours, minutes, seconds.  Our culture is built on novelty.  It is child's play.  (Watching TV, playing video games.)  Grown ass men need not apply.

-------------------------

Great friendships are built on you depositing the necessary service - expected of your friend - for he / she to then value your own personal needs.  Now, that sentence is referring to a GREAT friendship, not just a friendship.  And ideally, both sides of the steadily growing, anticipated GREAT friendship take this same approach, but I've only been party to a relationship as such - once in my lifetime.

The only way to do this serving, with the proper care, is to listen well both in the moment and long term.  For timing is everything when it comes to relationships.  Hence, you must be present - at all times.

Curiosity, for me, comes into play relative to no particular rhyme or reason.  It's just there or it isn't.  For Rob, the word curiosity can be substituted with attraction.

Without curiosity (attraction), both regarding your friend as well as regarding the potential longevity / outcome of the friendship, there's no other way to go the distance needed relative to service required.

-------------------------

Before Christmas, I handed my business card to a guy at the Y who coached my middle daughter in Upward Basketball many years prior.  I'd re-introduced myself to him a few months prior to this, assuming he remembered me (especially with my daughter there with me in the gym working out alongside).  Whilst handing off the card, I asked him to contact me to schedule a lunch after the holidays, and he feigned genuinely intrigued.

When my daughter was under his Upward Basketball (head)coaching guise, my father was also in the picture as this man's Assistant Coach.  From what I remember, I'd asked my dad if he'd be interested in filling that role (Upward Basketball is a volunteer youth basketball program that utilizes church gymnasiums for practices / games), and he obliged.  How I actually logistically orchestrated that detail, I've no idea.

All of this Upward Basketballing was going on just a few years after we'd returned here from Cleveland, therefore it was around 2015.  Nonetheless, I distinctly remember this very respectful guy who served as the head coach of my daughter's team.  Hence, when he and I bumped into each other at the Y, I felt compelled to speak up.

But I didn't want to.

-------------------------

As an introvert, it is so hard, if not impossible, to motivate myself to pursue.  Knowing how much energy will be needed to do so.

But let me tell you this.  It's worth every drop.

Relating to other men is the very best means to demonstrate our Christ-likeness.  Jesus actively related to those around him.  And he did this through humility and a deep-seated desire to serve.  Physically, Jesus was all human.  Therefore, he too was either an intro or extravert or somewhere in between.  And, in spite of his relatively young age, there were physical and emotional limits he was faced with.  

Allow God's spirit to motivate you to pursue.  To be intensely curious.  And to observe with laser focus.  From there, you'll find your voice as a GREAT friend within Samson Society or otherwise from which a GREAT friendship may emerge.

The Bible Belt Samson Guy. Rob's Update On His Virtual Samson Society Meeting Experience.

I've been attending the "Make Thursdays Great Again" (7 PM CST) virtual Samson Society group for close to two months now, and I feel guilty about it.

There is such a huge chunk of my midlife that's been measured weekly by Jackson Mississippi Samson Society meetings.  It all started in August of 2014 with the Wednesday night face-to-face meeting at First Baptist Jackson.  From there, I began attending the Sunday night face-to-face meeting at Grace Crossing Church in Gluckstadt.  Then finally, I began to facilitate my own face-to-face group at Lakeside Presbyterian Church in Brandon (which I did for four years).  Too, I've attended face-to-face meetings at Truitt Baptist Church in Pearl along with a handful at Crossgates.

I vividly recall attending my first National Samson Society retreat a number of years ago and hearing Mr. Nate Larkin pitch the virtual meeting push.  And this was well before anyone was even remotely thinking about pandemics.  Immediately I discounted it as "Samson lite", feeling almost disrespected by the notion of this conceivably inequivalent web-based facsimile.    

But this snap judgement was all rooted in my genuine coziness with the face-to-face paradigm.  For it's what I was reared on. 

-------------------------

When I began working for the State of MS back in 2006, my expertise & interest in facilitating small meetings served me well as a Staff Architect.  Bringing together architects and engineers alongside using agency reps was simply my thing.  It was a proven methodology for moving projects through the planning phase.  During my six-year tenure there, I must have participated in 1,000 meetings, if I attended one.  Similarly, during my one-year jaunt at Delta State University, this meeting trend furthered until it all came to an abrupt halt in September of 2013 due to my termination (for breaking the institution's IT policy).

I immediately lost +/-14 pounds and could no longer sleep more than four hours a night.  The emotional trauma due to the job loss took its toll immediately on my psyche combined with my physiology.  

I've repeatedly described the job loss like being thrown off a cliff face.  Yet, a sizable portion of breaking my freefall was my introduction to that First Baptist Church face-to-face Samson Society meeting two years later.  

-------------------------

My Silas and I talk once a week.  He's an old friend who's known me intimately throughout some of the most difficult (whilst living in MS) seasons of his life.  As such, he's sensitive enough to my vocal inflections to question my state of mind on the fly.  Today (during our weekly chat) was no different.  Hence, my opportunity to lament my state of mind thanks to his respectful prod.

I have so much aforementioned history / experience / "training" related to face-to-face meetings.  Plus, I simply feel as if, by now going virtual, I've insipidly sold out to an idea that I initially scoffed at.  

Yet, what I love about the virtual meeting format is how emotionally streamlined it is.  Everything's contained (my Silas' descriptor) so effectively versus the face-to-face paradigm.  A paradigm which elicits an awful lot of spillover, at least for me.  The virtual meetings don't leave me with heady emotional fallout that demands (of Rob) much, if any, follow-up processing.  Instead, I can just move on to the next thing with aplomb.

-------------------------

Another circumstantial question that's been creeping into my brain as of late is regarding the notion of being a tenured (gray haired) Samson guy who's simply outgrown his regularly scheduled programming (face-to-face setup).  And this is probably the most audacious factor for me to wrestle with.  For I do not want to identify as such when I don't feel this way internally.  Combined with that, I default towards the Samson Society meeting experience as one that really shouldn't have any chronological narrative attached to it.  Every meeting is, in many ways, your first meeting, or at least it should be.  Whether face-to-face or virtual.  But that's simply not a true statement, even though it does, to some degree, feel that way (for me).

In closing, I know a number of guys who've not transitioned as I have from the face-to-face meeting format to virtual.  Many have simply let go of Samson Society entirely once the face-to-face offerings became unavailable or they grew fatigued / found difficulty in maintaining the pace.  Had it not been for my aforementioned early (& continued) exposure towards the explosive growth of the virtual paradigm via the National Samson Society retreats, I would have likely done the same.  

Thanks be to God for this guilt.  It justifiable, humbling, and not unlike that same freefall I experienced back in 2013.  And this time, in a rebellious sort of mindset, I kind of like it.        

Unpack It & Grieve (If Appropriate)

Compartmentalization is the process of capturing and subsequently locking away pain.  That container is constructed of a series of emotionally reinforced mental partitions, often hastily and no doubt in reaction to the intensity of the (oft unexpected) situation.  

For experience (life) is like a river that carries you along.  Especially during childhood.  But when you find yourself unexpectedly dejected (or otherwise) like I wrote about a few posts back (Wednesday, 1/5), the most viable reaction at the time may very well be compartmentalization.  For emotional overload is just that.  Overload. 

Please consider this post as a "Part 2".  I'm going to detail how I successfully unpacked my aforementioned childhood swimming pool physical assault experience - over the course of our end-of-2021 vacation week - prior to discussing what I've determined to be the next step (within an inevitable "Part 3" post).

-------------------------

Unpacking takes strength and visibility of oneself (whilst in relation to what was compartmentalized) relative to both the why and what is compartmentalized.  The strength is what powers the workload, and the visibility of oneself acknowledges your ownership ("You did this.") of what actually got packed away.

What's lovely about the strength component is, as I've found personally, there are opportunities where within certain circumstances, other men can indirectly assist.

And this is where I'm going to descend (go deeper personally).  I'll do my best not to confuse you.

My defectiveness (see "Part 1" post) is centered on me having such a weak, if not completely absent sense of masculinity, therefore whilst relating to certain other guys, I do find myself, at times, leaning into theirs.  But only if I sense that they're respectfully relating to Rob.  

And when I say respectfully, I'm not referring to mannerisms.  That's not it at all.  I'm referring to the root word:  respect. 

Respect:  a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

Too often, this respect is hinged on their seeing me as a mentor-type friend, but I digress.  It's the respect portion of the relationship that's critical for me to slip past my shame long enough to do some covertly coupled (to them & the situation) internal work.  

-------------------------

We all have our childhood selves living inside.  In spite of our physical age, they're there.  I believe they can be especially present (during adulthood) as it pertains to a traumatizing childhood event(s).  For Rob, that subconscious boy is who's appeased / entertained when I choose to look at gay porn.  It's his eyes who're satiated with imagery that harken back to teenage lust-filled fantasies.  

Realizing this truth, I have found that one of the best questions to ask of that inner child is "What do you really want?"  

Mine inevitably answers "I want to be pursued by my masculine archetype in order to receive the affirmation that was held back from / escaped me when you (adult Rob) were my age."

-------------------------

Whilst vacationing last week in Sandestin, I spent a good bit of time in the resort Fitness Center either alone or with the girls.  On the third day of me going about my routine there, there was an older white male patron who was being quite the prick.  His MO (hopefully only during that particular day) was to obnoxiously chide others over his insistence that equipment be thoroughly wiped down (after usage).  He'd stationed himself right in the center of the space, moving back and forth between two benches, all the while eyeing everyone with eagerness as he anticipated antagonistically barking their way.

I remember taking note of a few of the younger clientele simply aborting their workouts in response to his noisy outbursts, though most chose to ignore him (as I did).

This man was well into his 70s or perhaps 80s, and he was going at it like quite the stallion there on the floor.  The decidedly heavy dumbbell free weights, incline barbell machine, and one end of the cable weight rack were his mainstays.  

I stationed myself directly in front of him on an adjustable bench well before even sardonically considering leaning in.  As such, I was simply determined to outlast this geezer, but my cockiness eventually segued to respect.  From there, I found myself pumping iron for far longer than I'd normally commit to.

And yes, after I finally concluded my ad Hoc routine there under his cantankerous eye, I took a moist towelette and did the right thing.  That was my way of subtlety thanking him for garnering my inner boy's respect.

After the fact, I could not remember a time when I'd worked out for as long and with as much fortitude.  In spite of this, I felt renewed and energized.

-------------------------

The photograph of the two boys wrestling at the bottom of "Part 1" of that post isn't an arbitrary image.  The boy facing the camera is the Minnesotan (older of the two brothers).

From what my inner boy Rob recalls, this athletically built teen looks very similar to and has the same masculine swagger of the teen who physically assaulted him / me as a child.  Yet, other than that, the similarities drop off.  

As you might imagine, it took a number of evenings last week to finally coax my inner boy to come around, but once he did, he leaned into this kindhearted jock no holds barred.  And you should know that I believe wholeheartedly that the nighttime swimming pool setting was God breathed for this opportunity to present itself.  

And oh my goodness, it was such a healing experience for boy Rob / me.  

So what do I mean exactly by leaning in?  Respectfully acknowledging (cross pollination) the attention / respect.  That's the first step.  From there, it's observing very closely who the individual is / how they're engaging - WITH ADULT (IN RECOVERY) ROB EYES.  And that's super important.  Because the last thing I want to happen is to fall back into juvenile lust.

As I'm sure you've figured out, this respectful observational process is where the unpacking occurs.  For as I'm annotating / updating my childhood experiences with these new experiences, I can't help but see my boyhood self gleefully taking part whilst using my adult Rob strength to pull it off.  And no, this doesn't change or blot out my childhood trauma, but I can now at least sit with it out of the box.

  

Throughout all the years that I've had the privilege of being involved in Samson Society, there's been no better lesson learned than how to do this.  For if you could quantify the amount of compartmentalizing I've accomplished, it would amount to the contents of an entire set of 1980s Encyclopedia Britannica's.  Hence, there's a boatload to unpack.  Thanks be to God for the men who've come in and out of my life, who've allowed me to lean in for such a time as that.  I'm no doubt a better, more settled man for it.  

"Immanuel" - By Max Morton

To me, one of the most amazing aspects of Advent is to meditate on Immanuel-God with us. God in all majesty, glory and splendor coming to "be with" me. More amazing still is the thought of Christ "in you" the HOPE of glory (Colossians 1:27). God, in Christ, the visible manifestation of the invisible God, God himself in all majesty, glory and splendor laying all that aside, literally emptying himself of his majesty, glory and splendor to take up humility, the earthly limitations of human flesh and learning obedience through suffering, even to the point of death (Philippians 2) in order to "be with" me.

With me in my frailty and failure. 

With me in joy and sorrow. 

With me in pain and persecution. 

Because he came as Immanuel, God with me, and was obedient unto death, God raised him from the dead and glorified him with a name above every name. I bow my knee and confess with my tongue that Jesus is Lord of Lords and King of Kings. This confession means that he is not only "with me" but his resurrection power lives "in me" by the abiding presence of the Holy Spirit. 

Christ in me displaying the glory of his kingdom. 

Christ in me giving me peace and power. 

Christ in me training me through suffering to learn self-control.

Christ in me replacing my fear with his perfect love. 

Christ in me expecting a glorious hope. 

In this season of believing and hope, I meditate on the One who came as Immanuel to be with me and the One who remains as Lord of Lords and King of Kings. He in me is the hope of glory.

"Recovery": Parts 1-4 (& Intro) - Authored by Mr. Max Morton

 Recovery

Introduction

Hi, my name is Max. I have been in “recovery” for an addiction to lust and pornography for over six years now. Recovery is not something easily defined and means different things to different people. The following are my thoughts on the subject and my own attempt to come to understand for myself this elusive concept called “recovery.”

As a Christian, and by that I mean one who intentionally seeks to follow Jesus and interprets life from a Christian world-view, holding to Holy Scripture as the definitive standard for moral absolutes, I look at “recovery” as primarily, but not completely, a spiritual issue. I acknowledge addiction and recovery involve neuroscience and behavior modification, but at the root of all that is what the 12 Step Groups call a “higher power” and whom I identify as my heavenly Father. He loves me unconditionally and forgives me completely and pursues me with an abundance of life I have not yet begun to fathom, much less fully embrace. With that framework as a foundation, let me dive into my thoughts on “recovery.”

Recovery is as old as sin itself. If you take apart the word, recovery is to “cover something that was previously covered and subsequently uncovered.” When sin entered the world as Adam and Eve chose disobedience over obedience to God’s revealed word and will, God intervened, pursued, forgave, restored and covered.

In Genesis 3 we find the account of Adam and Eve’s encounter with the serpent in the Garden of Eden when man rebelled against God, followed by shame, blame and consequence. In the midst of a literal paradise the serpent appealed to the desire that already lurked in Eve’s heart, cast doubt on the reliability of God’s word and his goodness, and enticed her to cast off restraint and pursue her own pleasure. Adam, whom Scripture says was ‘right there with her’ also partook. Genesis 3:7 says, “Then the eyes of both of them were opened and they knew that they were naked and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.” (NKJV) This is Adam and Eve’s attempt to “recover” themselves. Their attempts were as feeble as mine, as all of ours, when we try to take matters in our own hands and fix problems we have created that can only be solved by God. “You can’t pray your way out of an addiction you behaved your way into” is a phrase often quoted among those recovering.

After dealing individually with Adam, Eve and the serpent and doling out the consequences of their rebellion, in verse 21 “God made tunics of skin (coverings) and clothed them.” God did for them what they could not do for themselves. He covered them. He covered their sin. Also this is the first instance in history where death entered the world. To cover them, an animal had to be sacrificed in order to provide the skin. Romans 6:23a says “the wages of sin is death…” This further highlights the unintended consequences our sin has on others. No one sins in a vacuum. There are consequences. There is always collateral damage.

Adam and Eve were in the paradise of God, covered by his presence and his purpose for them, but their sin, their disobedience caused them to be uncovered. God’s love for them caused them to be recovered. Their recovery did not erase the consequences of the sin, but it did restore them to a right relationship with God.

This is the goal of every person in “recovery”; to recover a right relationship with the Father and those around them. 

In the spirit of 12 step groups I would like to offer 12 points that will guide my thoughts as I tell my story of recovery. I think they are common to those recovering, but they are certainly part of my journey.

1. Rock Bottom 

One of the terms you hear often among those in recovery is “rock bottom.” People will tell their story and be able to identify when they hit “rock bottom”. For some it might be landing in a jail cell after being arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol. For others it might be having their kids taken away from them by Child Protective Services because they can’t stay clean.

For me it was a little harder to identify, partly because my addiction is different from others. Different in the fact that unlike a chemical substance abuse like drugs or alcohol my drug of choice is lustful thoughts manifesting in pornography and masturbation. This “cerebral chemical cocktail” was always in my mind, triggered most often by what I saw, but also by what I fantasized about. 

Most people start their journey of recovery when they hit rock bottom and have no place to go but up. My rock bottom occurred four years into my recovery when my wife said she was done, we separated for the second time in our six year marriage and I moved out. The real rock bottom for me did not come until 5 months into the separation when my wife suggested we get divorced. This rejection was my rock bottom. It sent me a message that I was not worthy to be loved through my addiction. 

I would never recover. 

I would always be an addict. 

Recovery was not possible.

When I started my journey of recovery four years prior it was because I got caught. This is common, and can be a healthy catalyst toward change and recovery. As I look back on it, I know this was my real rock bottom because it was only then I realized that when my recovery journey started I was free falling until the suggestion of divorce and my free fall came to a sudden and painful stop. I had hit rock bottom. I fell on the Rock.

2. Revealed

The day my recovery journey began was like any other normal day. My wife and I were working out in the gym. I was working a leg machine and she was on another machine behind me. One of the staff came over to the counter area in front of me with a clipboard in her hand, her back was to me. I noticed how short her shorts were. My thoughts were “I can’t believe they let her get away with wearing shorts like that in a family oriented gym like this one.” Maybe I was looking at her with lust in my heart, maybe I wasn’t. I don’t remember being enticed to lust like I had in similar situations countless times, but at that point my wife appeared in my peripheral vision with a look on her face I had never seen before and said, “Have you seen enough?” I was confused and said something like “What do you mean?” She said, “Come on, it’s time to go.” I could tell she was upset, but I didn’t really know why. We talked in the car and she said “You were looking at that young girl who works at the gym.” I defended myself saying, “Yeah, I couldn’t believe how short her shorts were.” Honestly, that is what I had been thinking. She countered with, “I’ve never seen that look on your face.” “What look?” I asked. “Lust.” At that point I knew this was not a discussion anymore, it was a problem. 

Maybe she had noticed me looking at women in public before. Maybe this was just the situation that tipped the scales. I knew I needed to come clean, but I was in damage control mode. I said, “It isn’t about that girl. I have a problem with lust.” I disclosed that I had always had a lustful, wandering eye from the onset of puberty and my exposure to pornography at the age of twelve. This was a complete revelation to her, shattering the image she had of the godly man she married. 

I knew this was bad, really bad. My wife had a track record of broken relationships and divorce stemming from her own woundedness and the way she chose to deal with conflict. She believed in tough love, but I saw it as a stubborn refusal to be tarnished by other people’s brokenness. 

3. Repulsed 

When we got back to our house she completely melted down with loud, guttural wailing and sobs coming from a deep wounded place in her soul. I tried to comfort and console her, but when I tried to hold her in my arms like I had done so many times before she was repulsed by my touch. My sin was repulsive to her. This betrayal touched her in a deep place where she was already wounded. I did not know how sensitive this wounding from her past still was. 

She was repulsed by my sin, but I wasn’t. God was repulsed by my sin, but I wasn’t. It would take years of recovery work for me to get to the place where my wife was on that day. Until we are repulsed by our own sin we will hold it close, justify it and deceive ourselves. That is where I was.

My wife decided I was so repulsive she could not stand to stay in the same house with me, rented a car and left. I did not know where she went, or whether she would come back. My brokenness had impacted her woundedness in a toxic way.

4. Repentance

For three days I rattled around our house alone, even though two of my teen-aged sons were living there, I was alone. I called my pastor and told him what was going on. He responded like many other mentors had in the past when I tried to deal with my ongoing struggle with lust. His advice was that most men struggle in this area and even though it is bad and should be dealt with I was not alone in it. This did not really help me. I remembered at least two other occasions in years past when I had been caught and confronted with my sin and turned to my spiritual leadership for help. The advice and counsel I received was a kind of “boys will be boys” and “all men have a problem with this.”  Not helpful.

At this time my “repentance” was rooted in the fact that I had been caught. The Bible speaks of a “Godly sorrow that brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.” (2 Corinthians 7:10 NIV)

My repentance was not a godly sorrow, it was damage control, denying, saving my own skin so that I could keep doing what I wanted to do; a kind of “repentance” which is not really repentance at all. Biblically, repentance means to change your mind and to turn and go in the opposite direction. This was not what I was trying to do, or what I had ever tried to do. I can’t tell you how many times over the previous forty years of battling with this pet sin that I had “repented” and told God I would never do it again. My white-knuckle attempts to avoid sin had ended in failure thousands of times. I could go for long periods of abstinence from “acting out” but would always return. I had never been at the place where I acknowledged that I could not do this, that I was powerless against my addiction. I didn’t even think I was addicted. I thought that I could stop anytime I wanted. My deception was so great I had deceived even myself.

My wife let me know she was on the coast in a hotel room. After three days we agreed to meet at a park near our house and talk. It was tense. I was “repentant” as far as I knew how, and she told me she was willing to give our marriage a chance to work. I was relieved that she wanted to do that and felt like I had dodged a major bullet. What I didn’t know that day was that I had completely destroyed my wife’s trust in me and I would never earn it back.