Recovery
Introduction
Hi, my name is Max. I have been in “recovery” for an addiction to lust and pornography for over six years now. Recovery is not something easily defined and means different things to different people. The following are my thoughts on the subject and my own attempt to come to understand for myself this elusive concept called “recovery.”
As a Christian, and by that I mean one who intentionally seeks to follow Jesus and interprets life from a Christian world-view, holding to Holy Scripture as the definitive standard for moral absolutes, I look at “recovery” as primarily, but not completely, a spiritual issue. I acknowledge addiction and recovery involve neuroscience and behavior modification, but at the root of all that is what the 12 Step Groups call a “higher power” and whom I identify as my heavenly Father. He loves me unconditionally and forgives me completely and pursues me with an abundance of life I have not yet begun to fathom, much less fully embrace. With that framework as a foundation, let me dive into my thoughts on “recovery.”
Recovery is as old as sin itself. If you take apart the word, recovery is to “cover something that was previously covered and subsequently uncovered.” When sin entered the world as Adam and Eve chose disobedience over obedience to God’s revealed word and will, God intervened, pursued, forgave, restored and covered.
In Genesis 3 we find the account of Adam and Eve’s encounter with the serpent in the Garden of Eden when man rebelled against God, followed by shame, blame and consequence. In the midst of a literal paradise the serpent appealed to the desire that already lurked in Eve’s heart, cast doubt on the reliability of God’s word and his goodness, and enticed her to cast off restraint and pursue her own pleasure. Adam, whom Scripture says was ‘right there with her’ also partook. Genesis 3:7 says, “Then the eyes of both of them were opened and they knew that they were naked and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.” (NKJV) This is Adam and Eve’s attempt to “recover” themselves. Their attempts were as feeble as mine, as all of ours, when we try to take matters in our own hands and fix problems we have created that can only be solved by God. “You can’t pray your way out of an addiction you behaved your way into” is a phrase often quoted among those recovering.
After dealing individually with Adam, Eve and the serpent and doling out the consequences of their rebellion, in verse 21 “God made tunics of skin (coverings) and clothed them.” God did for them what they could not do for themselves. He covered them. He covered their sin. Also this is the first instance in history where death entered the world. To cover them, an animal had to be sacrificed in order to provide the skin. Romans 6:23a says “the wages of sin is death…” This further highlights the unintended consequences our sin has on others. No one sins in a vacuum. There are consequences. There is always collateral damage.
Adam and Eve were in the paradise of God, covered by his presence and his purpose for them, but their sin, their disobedience caused them to be uncovered. God’s love for them caused them to be recovered. Their recovery did not erase the consequences of the sin, but it did restore them to a right relationship with God.
This is the goal of every person in “recovery”; to recover a right relationship with the Father and those around them.
In the spirit of 12 step groups I would like to offer 12 points that will guide my thoughts as I tell my story of recovery. I think they are common to those recovering, but they are certainly part of my journey.
Rock Bottom
One of the terms you hear often among those in recovery is “rock bottom.” People will tell their story and be able to identify when they hit “rock bottom”. For some it might be landing in a jail cell after being arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol. For others it might be having their kids taken away from them by Child Protective Services because they can’t stay clean.
For me it was a little harder to identify, partly because my addiction is different from others. Different in the fact that unlike a chemical substance abuse like drugs or alcohol my drug of choice is lustful thoughts manifesting in pornography and masturbation. This “cerebral chemical cocktail” was always in my mind, triggered most often by what I saw, but also by what I fantasized about.
Most people start their journey of recovery when they hit rock bottom and have no place to go but up. My rock bottom occurred four years into my recovery when my wife said she was done, we separated for the second time in our six year marriage and I moved out. The real rock bottom for me did not come until 5 months into the separation when my wife suggested we get divorced. This rejection was my rock bottom. It sent me a message that I was not worthy to be loved through my addiction.
I would never recover.
I would always be an addict.
Recovery was not possible.
When I started my journey of recovery four years prior it was because I got caught. This is common, and can be a healthy catalyst toward change and recovery. As I look back on it, I know this was my real rock bottom because it was only then I realized that when my recovery journey started I was free falling until the suggestion of divorce and my free fall came to a sudden and painful stop. I had hit rock bottom. I fell on the Rock.
Revealed
The day my recovery journey began was like any other normal day. My wife and I were working out in the gym. I was working a leg machine and she was on another machine behind me. One of the staff came over to the counter area in front of me with a clipboard in her hand, her back was to me. I noticed how short her shorts were. My thoughts were “I can’t believe they let her get away with wearing shorts like that in a family oriented gym like this one.” Maybe I was looking at her with lust in my heart, maybe I wasn’t. I don’t remember being enticed to lust like I had in similar situations countless times, but at that point my wife appeared in my peripheral vision with a look on her face I had never seen before and said, “Have you seen enough?” I was confused and said something like “What do you mean?” She said, “Come on, it’s time to go.” I could tell she was upset, but I didn’t really know why. We talked in the car and she said “You were looking at that young girl who works at the gym.” I defended myself saying, “Yeah, I couldn’t believe how short her shorts were.” Honestly, that is what I had been thinking. She countered with, “I’ve never seen that look on your face.” “What look?” I asked. “Lust.” At that point I knew this was not a discussion anymore, it was a problem.
Maybe she had noticed me looking at women in public before. Maybe this was just the situation that tipped the scales. I knew I needed to come clean, but I was in damage control mode. I said, “It isn’t about that girl. I have a problem with lust.” I disclosed that I had always had a lustful, wandering eye from the onset of puberty and my exposure to pornography at the age of twelve. This was a complete revelation to her, shattering the image she had of the godly man she married.
I knew this was bad, really bad. My wife had a track record of broken relationships and divorce stemming from her own woundedness and the way she chose to deal with conflict. She believed in tough love, but I saw it as a stubborn refusal to be tarnished by other people’s brokenness.
Repulsed
When we got back to our house she completely melted down with loud, guttural wailing and sobs coming from a deep wounded place in her soul. I tried to comfort and console her, but when I tried to hold her in my arms like I had done so many times before she was repulsed by my touch. My sin was repulsive to her. This betrayal touched her in a deep place where she was already wounded. I did not know how sensitive this wounding from her past still was.
She was repulsed by my sin, but I wasn’t. God was repulsed by my sin, but I wasn’t. It would take years of recovery work for me to get to the place where my wife was on that day. Until we are repulsed by our own sin we will hold it close, justify it and deceive ourselves. That is where I was.
My wife decided I was so repulsive she could not stand to stay in the same house with me, rented a car and left. I did not know where she went, or whether she would come back. My brokenness had impacted her woundedness in a toxic way.
Repentance
For three days I rattled around our house alone, even though two of my teen-aged sons were living there, I was alone. I called my pastor and told him what was going on. He responded like many other mentors had in the past when I tried to deal with my ongoing struggle with lust. His advice was that most men struggle in this area and even though it is bad and should be dealt with I was not alone in it. This did not really help me. I remembered at least two other occasions in years past when I had been caught and confronted with my sin and turned to my spiritual leadership for help. The advice and counsel I received was a kind of “boys will be boys” and “all men have a problem with this.” Not helpful.
At this time my “repentance” was rooted in the fact that I had been caught. The Bible speaks of a “Godly sorrow that brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.” (2 Corinthians 7:10 NIV)
My repentance was not a godly sorrow, it was damage control, denying, saving my own skin so that I could keep doing what I wanted to do; a kind of “repentance” which is not really repentance at all. Biblically, repentance means to change your mind and to turn and go in the opposite direction. This was not what I was trying to do, or what I had ever tried to do. I can’t tell you how many times over the previous forty years of battling with this pet sin that I had “repented” and told God I would never do it again. My white-knuckle attempts to avoid sin had ended in failure thousands of times. I could go for long periods of abstinence from “acting out” but would always return. I had never been at the place where I acknowledged that I could not do this, that I was powerless against my addiction. I didn’t even think I was addicted. I thought that I could stop anytime I wanted. My deception was so great I had deceived even myself.
My wife let me know she was on the coast in a hotel room. After three days we agreed to meet at a park near our house and talk. It was tense. I was “repentant” as far as I knew how, and she told me she was willing to give our marriage a chance to work. I was relieved that she wanted to do that and felt like I had dodged a major bullet. What I didn’t know that day was that I had completely destroyed my wife’s trust in me and I would never earn it back.
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