Desperation To Be Seen

I often ask Samson brothers who're just beginning the recovery journey, "What is it that you're truly looking for whilst consuming pornographic content?" 

For me, as a teen who found himself deeply entrenched in same sex attraction, it was the notion of being seen that hooked me deeper and deeper in.  Of course, all manner of physical beauty (photographed / filmed beautifully) certainly tapped into my artistic eye (as described in detail within my last post), but the deep-seated void, if you will, was centered on a desperate loneliness / feeling of isolation that was well beyond typical teenage angst.  

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One of my first architect bosses was genuinely interested in being seen in his own right.  I don't know what exactly drove this behavior, but it manifests itself via his constant attempt to visually impress his fellow man (& too, like me, was his ever-present penchant for the beautiful - clothes, shoes, automobiles, homes).  Specifically, my boss always wore the nicest clothes (shoes especially), drove the finest automobile, and lived in the poshest home (within the far upper end of his specific budget).  As such, these items were upgraded quite often.  To the point that every time you looked up, a new (spotlessly clean) vehicle was parked in his reserved space at the office.

I used to pity this behavior, but today, I realize how similar he and I truly were / are.

Being seen is really, really important to some, if not all men.  For those chronic feelings of isolation / loneliness truly suck.

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I began to know Jesus intimately early on as a teen, but mostly this knowing came from Scripture / (excellent) preaching and a boatload of fairly homogenous Mississippi (deacon body within our church) men.  

To segue from there, I also knew a boatload of pagan Mississippi men (extended family, friends' dads, neighborhood fathers, teachers) as a boy, and though there were distinct differences in persona / demographic, I had a tough time relating to any of them.

As such, becoming a man scared the hell out of me, knowing so little collectively from the representatives within my viewpoint. 

As an aside, I believe most men within earshot of me (as a young man) mistook this fear for arrogance / piety which only isolated me further.

There was only one man (besides my sweet, sweet grandfather) who saw me with any real clarity.  And that was my first boss at Chick-A-Fil.  In so many ways, he was a surrogate dad, and what a gift to me he was!  For not only did he see me unabashedly, but he lived his life in such a way that reflected his peace of mind as it pertained to being seen well himself.  Chris was amazing.

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Consuming gay porn, to me, was the safest ("protecting" those around me) means for me to feel seen.  It involved no other (real) men.  Plus, I could "control" the relationship since it felt so very one-sided.  

My desire to never harm anyone, in spite of my desperate need, kept me laser focused on this private approach.  

When the Internet hit the scene though, its (porn content) voracity instantly became unmanageable (a small creek bed instantaneously became the Mississippi River).  

Of course, Satan knew he was setting me up for bondage whilst inevitably taking the leap from analog to digital.  All the while making me that much more vulnerable as the Internet became more and more mainstream.

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I discussed veneering within my last post.  In many ways, identifying that has been my salvation.  I've watched the Holy Spirit hack away (at the veneering) therein, exposing the idol for what it truly is, roots and all.  

All of this is now coming together to deeply impact my understanding of my boyhood self.  To resurrect him, so to speak.  

In line with that is the reminder of all my past sin.  Sin rooted in lust.  It's daunting, for sure, but I will not allow it to trip up my progress.

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In closing...

How is it that God chose me as his child?  Why would he care enough about my core needs (being seen) to bring me into Samson Society back in August of 2014?

The Christian men I've met (many of which I've closely befriended) see me and in turn, I work diligently to see them.

And they just keep coming.  Thanks be to God for this ministry.  It's been and continues to be how I best manage my needs.  

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Marinating In The Debased / A Fantastic Interruption!

I have found, as of late, so much insight (& balloon busting emotional calibration) by listening in on pagan men's point of view / choices therein as it pertains to what they actually do with their sex organs and why.  To be more specific, gay porn stars and their careers (full-time or side hustle) therein.

You might find yourself befuddled over such an investment in my time, but there's no doubt, that for me, hearing these tales - directly from the horses' mouths - rattles me to the core (in a very productive way).  And this rattling effectively vaporizes the shrink-wrapped veneer that boyRob so easily / reflexively applies to smut.  A veneer that I habitually use to qualify its consumption as worthwhile. 

Regarding straight porn, there's tremendous exploitation of the females who model for that explicit content.  That's obvious to everyone.  But with gay porn, there's much less of that.  Instead, what you'll find is so many of these men are simple deeply, deeply wounded psychologically (whether gay for pay or not), and as such, their tremendously destructive actions ("art" imitating life) are then put on full display (for a small fee).  

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Let me return to this notion of shrink-wrapping smut. For it's been a real problem of mine for too long.  

I'm an architect.  Drawing / painting / sculpture are kissing cousins to designing buildings.  For well-designed buildings are a 4-D solidification of space using all the same tools one might use via drawing / painting / sculpture.  Therefore, composition is key (light, shadow, texture, proportion, and on and on).  

And this absolutely starts with the human figure.  For an artist begins his understanding of composition there.  

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My wife and two of my three daughters are returning from Paris today.  Having spent a few months backpacking throughout eleven countries in Europe during the summer of '94, I had no desire to accompany them on this first-time ever to Europe Spring Break trek.  Europeans have a very different relationship to the human form than we Americans do, and that's - for better or worse - the result of our Puritanical roots.  

Nonetheless, if you've ever had the opportunity to draw a nude model, you know that salaciousness quickly flies out the window as you're attempting to honor those few raw moments (with either charcoal, pencil, brush in hand).  

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One Valentine's Day (I believe it was around 2008), I gifted my sweet wife, Angie, a coffee table photo book of male models (95% of the content was explicit) posing as blue-collar Aussie blokes.  I did this in sincerity as a means to invite her into a "shared appreciation".  

Boy, did that not go over well.

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Considering all of this, there're a select group of human beings (we're no doubt all image bearers) that rank far higher in physical beauty than others.  And this beauty, no doubt, can certainly be celebrated whilst captured well via photography / film.  Unfortunately, that's where the veneering can come into play.  

So, what is a veneer?  Think about your teeth.  You can have a veneer applied therein to protect your chompers.  It essentially seals them over invisibly allowing nothing to truly penetrate to the tooth's surface.  

For some reason, I have ALWAYS done this with select gay porn (models who fall within my masculine archetype), but especially so regarding gay porn that's beautifully composed / lit, etc., taking the aforementioned Adonises into consideration.  And because of that veneering, I've always been naively kept at arm's length as to who these gents truly were.  And again, to reiterate, I now believe that much of this veneering became par for the course in light of my artistic background.  As such, this recent fantastic aforementioned interruption / illumination is founded on the deep roots of who these people truly are, what they stand for, etc. 

In essence, today, in light of the novelty of Flea Market porn sites such as Only Fans combined with podcasts featuring these homebrew / grassroots peddlers therein, the veneering is effectively being ripped off.  And it's being done with such voracity that my head is reeling.  For these men are contracted to no major porn studio.  As such, who they are becomes readily accessible, so long as they're willing to sit down and talk.  And many, many of them are an open book.  

As much as I can't, in all honesty, recommend this same de-veneering approach to the "general public", if your boyself is as stubbornly blind as mine is AND you have any semblance of an artistic eye, it may be that taking steps to lift the skirt of those you've come to worship / elevate may be the very thing that removes you too from the recovery plateau that you can't seem to easily shake.

But be forewarned.  Much of what you'll hear will break your heart into pieces.

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