Samson Guys, As They Navigate Their Friendships Within The Community, Must Prioritize The Affirming

The title of this post is my personal opinion.  And it's important to note that it's been my modus operandi relative to the Samson Society throughout my (7 year) participation therein.  I realize it sounds self-centered (selfish), but my point of view - as it's written about here - is always on my personal recovery.  Therefore, everyone likely won't agree with me after reading this post.  But do realize, that this approach has absolutely worked for Rob.

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What I mean by the affirming is receiving affirmation from other Samson guys.  Specific affirmation as it pertains to how you yourself may be wired (by God's design).  For me, I receive affirmation from guys when I'm actively listened to.

Now, let me qualify that statement:  actively listened to.

I'm not referring to another Samson guy having his ears open and hearing Rob.  I'm referring to Samson guys who are attracted / interested enough to / in me to intentionally probe (query) - out of compassion / concern.  

This is active listening.

In regards to this, one of the most burdensome red flags is when I sense my friend's probing is compulsory, or worse, it's being done out of malice (envy, slander, fatalism) or really worse, mistrust.  And this happens at times.  We're human beings.  Though once I suspect it, I have a choice to make - continue forward politely or make a discreet exit.  I usually, to some degree, do the former.  And this is because I know that every situation / circumstance doesn't stand on its own, and that my sensitivity to this may not at all reflect reality.  In other words, I provide them with the benefit of the doubt and play the long game.

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Human beings want to be listened to, noticed.  This is what drives social media.  And it's made for a society of constant talkers with not very many active listeners.

But they are out there.  You just have to be patient and ask God for his grace to bring them your way (again, if that's how you receive affirmation).

Over time there's a high probability that your actively listening friends' interest in you will wane (as will your interest in them).  Hence, if you're like me, you'll carry on 'till your polite mask falls (or disintegrates) off.  

What's unfortunate about this is the derision that can result.  For sometimes Samson guys (many of which have a whole lot to say!) who're altogether presented (sometimes maybe even jolted) with your specific affirmation priority - that being needing / wanting to be heard - may dramatically deflect / reject the overflow / pushback that they're now finding themselves cornered into listening to.  Essentially, they come away feeling like they've been cheated or lied to relative to your tendency to yield them the floor / navigate the waters - by default.

And I honestly don't know how to balance this relational degradation issue with one's own needs, particularly as a Christian.

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Active listening takes skill combined with intelligence (including emotional).  I've found myself to be quite fortunate to have ascertained this skillset.  It is no doubt my most cherished skill, though overall it's in no way qualitatively superior than any other friend tool.  There're plenty of others that I genuinely suck at.  Genuinely.

How might you receive affirmation?  Once you recognize it, do yourself a favor and use it to filter your Samson Society friendships accordingly.  Your recovery will thank you.  Customized affirmation from Samson friends equates to love lived out.  Men in recovery depend on that love.  It's a primary means of God's healing hand within your broken self.

Your Wife Has Standards Too ("Fat Slobs" Rarely Get Laid - Shirtless)

The Director of the YMCA branch we frequent asked me specifically - a few weeks ago - if I was planning to take part in the 2022 "Polar Plunge", a charitable February (winter) swim event (in the Y pool).  I replied by asking him if he would be participating in turn.  He said yes.  But when I asked if he would be swimming in the chilly pool waters shirtless, he replied by describing himself as a "fat slob", therefore no.

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There's little off limits relative to dialogue content / subject matter within / between Samson Society / Samson Society men.  Although I have found that most men rarely, if ever, disseminate details regarding their marital bed (sex life w/ spouse).  And I believe this is because it's simply too frightening to be THAT transparent.  Combine that with the fear of being seen as NOT THE VERITABLE STUD that we'd hoped everyone would assume we are - within our master bedrooms.

You do hear more and more about spouses sleeping apart (somewhere on their property), and undoubtedly, they're always quick to allay their audience's fears that their sex life has been - in any way - negatively impacted.

I read an article recently where the husband slept in the backyard with the wife back in the master suite.  And he did this - no doubt - with a weighted blanket, inside his pup tent.

I would argue he was likely obtaining quite the masculinity injection via his nightly stay-at-home scouting, and this quickly took precedent over the typical convenience of having his lovely wife by his side.

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One of my favorite questions to ask Samson guys is this:  What brings on (activity) the most intense feelings of masculinity for you?  

My first Silas had (13) biological children (no twins), and his wife wanted more.  Of course, there was no need for me to even ask this question.  The answer was obvious.

I believe most men feel intensely masculine when they're engaging sexually with certain other people (hopefully their wife).  But, in light of that assumption, I've also served as Silas to a man who'd only had intercourse with his wife 3-5 times.  And he'd been married to this same woman for +/-30 years.  And it wasn't that he didn't feel masculine being sexual with certain women, but it just so happened that his wife wasn't one of those women.   

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One of the weirdest things about being open about my struggles with same-sex attraction (homosexual desires) is how some guys cannot NOT feel insecure (especially if they're younger than I am) around me.  Hence, if they're married, some of them will consistently (& I've known many of these men for years) make a point to reference how much they enjoy their regularly sexual programming within their marriage bed.

And I have no reason to believe otherwise when they repeatedly tout the vigor and sizzle they're regularly experiencing between the sheets.  

It's these same guys who sometimes ask me that hypothetical question:  "If you could - overnight - be rid of your same-sex attraction / homosexual desires, would you do it?"

Whereas what they're really saying is:  "I so do not trust you, and this is because I cannot relate to both who you say you are and what you claim to be experiencing."

And this stems from the authentication of their masculinity via sex - with their wives - within the marriage bed.

For if I'm not receiving it there, and I'm not having sex with other men, where could I possibly be receiving it?

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I'm not a woman nor have I ever felt at all womanly, therefore I cannot speak for them, but I do know that many Samson guys have wives who oblige to sexual activity with their husbands - out of "necessity".  To be more specific, they're willing to be sexual with their husbands in order to lessen the chance that he'll look for sexual pleasure elsewhere.

I've heard men, who've allowed me the privilege of being their Silas, state clearly that they'll fuck anything if they're given the opportunity.  Hence, it's not the reaction of the recipient that matters.  It's the opportunity.

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What I want to recommend to married Samson guys, who are sexually active with their wives, is the following:  

If you're ongoing goal is to carry on a vibrant sex life with your wife, take pride in what you physically bring to the experience.

Start by remembering this:  You were meant - as a man - to be muscular.  If you're not muscular today, your physical build isn't static.  All it takes is know-how and motivation.  

Your testes do certainly create (or they should) sperm (for reproduction), but they also manufacture testosterone.  The latter of which is what physically promulgates muscle growth in response to strength training.  

You do have control over both what you eat, how often you eat, and how much you eat.  Your mouth is there to communicate verbally and eat with.  You have full control over both.  (It also works in breathing, but...)

Exercise is powerfully effective at making your body decidedly more physically attractive to your wife.  Closely monitoring your food intake works the same.

And this truth must be embraced / committed to 24/7/365 with no days off.  Ever.  

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We still send out those Xmas cards with the family photos on them each year, and in return, others do the same.  We received one this year from a family we've known for most of our married lives (25 years).  The couple have four children, and we first met them within a newlywed Sunday School class at Colonial Heights Baptist Church not long after we were married.

What a beautiful family they are!  And I'm so pleased to see that their marriage endured. 

But I can't help but immediately notice the dad / husband - sticking out like a sore thumb - who'll also not be taking his shirt off at the "Polar Plunge".  

Summer 2022 (here in the northern hemisphere) is fast approaching.  Align your physical self in anticipation of looking your very best.  

You are an image bearer of the most Holy God.

Lagniappe   

More lagniappe

Even more lagniappe

Even, even more lagniappe

Self-Deprecating Deja Vu

I was offended today whilst listening to an old Samson friend (around my age) dialogue with a new friend (not at all around my age) for how indirectly re-traumatic his approach to this conversation irritated, angered, short-circuited my peaceful, mundane drive into work.

So much so that I sent an email that I'm now not quite sure what to think of (especially as it relates to the reply I received).

For through that listening session, I felt a myriad of negative emotions related to my confusion over expectations.  Expectations as they pertain to middle-aged, tenured, veteran Samson guys like me.  

The best thing that's come out of this (so far) was that email that I penned.  For I sent it to my hero.  And had I not had that emotional response earlier in the day, the email would have never been drafted / sent detailing my mid-October trauma (which has been hidden away up to this point in time).  

God works in mysterious ways.  Using some of the most unexpected tools to unearth past pain.  Thanks be to God.

Recommended Reading

 Fatherhood for Imperfect Dads | Desiring God

Photography Of Naked People. That's An Entirely Different (Read: Much More Captivating) Thing Than Naked People.

And interesting read:  Bradley Cooper, Benedict Cumberbatch and the Golden Age of Nude Men - WSJ

The School of Architecture, back in the early '90s, had a photography studio within the building.  It was staffed by a dedicated faculty member who - as far as I know - oversaw its operation exclusively.  We students were encouraged to have our models / drawings photographed at least annually in order to "build our academic portfolio".  From there, that portfolio would then represent our skillset as we looked to land a job post Mississippi State University.

When I was a third-year student, I was assigned to a small group of exceedingly creative peers, and we decided to execute our mundane site analysis project (which had been assigned to us) via an over-the-top Avant Garde video presentation.  One of the students within my group did have a laptop (a rare find back then) with an early version of Photoshop on it, but none of us had a video camera.  Therefore, we sought to "check one out" of the school's photo studio.  

Our group had a blast filming / editing / presenting our project.  The end result was extremely unique.  And for the most part, I ended up being the cameraman throughout its production.  This was my first foray relative to using a video camera, and as a result of this, my curiosity definitely peaked as I thought through what I potentially could do with said video camera in my spare time.

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I had the good fortune to backpack throughout Europe during the summer of 1994.  I was with a group of mostly architecture students, all young men from MSU.  As such, we visited most every architecturally relevant site we could throughout the eleven countries we visited during those two months.  Antiquity is on prominent display throughout Europe.  As such, commissioned sculptures are displayed throughout, much of it depicting prominent historical - Biblical / mythological figures, etc.    

One thing that you notice within the ubiquity of this 3-D art is that full / semi-nudity isn't / wasn't / hasn't been out of the ordinary for Europe.  

Hence, there are plenty of breasts, vaginas, and penis / testicles beautifully rendered (usually in stone).  And these figures' physical features no doubt add to the overall aesthetic.  They're striking yet not at all salacious.

In line with this general observation was my distinct first encounter with this European norm.  I've no doubt their culture of "reduced / zero shame" crystallized within my mind just a few minutes after disembarking from our flight into Paris.  As such, throughout the airport there were supersized print ads featuring semi-nude models, and these were on display prominently.  Over and over again.  

Being an American reared in Mississippi, I'd seen very few images of women revealing their breasts.  Hence, I remember instantly feeling exceedingly uncomfortable whilst encountering these very normalized images.  Shameful really.

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Growing up as an only child, I had no brothers - either younger or older - to grow up alongside.  Hence, there was no 24/7/365 familial measuring stick for me to associate with / compare myself to.  Too, I was not at all an athletic boy.  Therefore, locker room / gang shower experiences weren't ever part of my narrative (which I was very much thankful for).  

Hence, when I did have a handful of isolated changing room experiences during my early teenage years, the end result unfortunately was me coming away feeling exceedingly less than my peers.  So much so in fact that I only sought further to loathe my physical self (in contrast to what I considered my masculine ideal).  And this wasn't as a result of how I was treated / perceived / adjudicated by my peers within that changing room setting.  It wasn't that at all.  Every bit of this devastating shame was internalized.

It was as if someone's intent was to eradicate any semblance of self-dignity that should have taken root as expected.

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What I didn't realize as an adolescent (nor understood how to respond positively to) was how starved I was to make peace with my masculine - physical self.  Hence, photography of semi-nude male models did make one clear cut statement to me.  And that was that these individuals were where I wanted to be.  Yes too, I enjoyed the salaciousness behind many of these images, but deep down, I saw people who'd decisively understood their intrinsic physical value.  Or at least I thought I had. 

Now of course, regarding photography, this was all a ruse.  But I didn't understand how photography (especially photographic imagery) really worked, nor what much of its true intent was.  My ignorance was truly being taken advantage of (mostly by Satan).

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Now let me circle back to those private ideas I dreamed up whilst serving as the cameraman for my fun-filled, overly creative site analysis (architecture school) project.

Filming oneself masturbating was no doubt really intriguing to Rob and having an empty dorm room to do so in (combined with access to a video camera) sealed the deal.

The funny part of this story is what I decided to lubricate my toolset with as I was "performing" within my first solo video. 

Dishwashing liquid (Joy, Dawn, Palmolive) ARE NOT choice lubricants for self-pleasure.  But I didn't know this until firsthand (sorry) experience.  Yes, there was certainly enough viscosity provided coupled with a very pleasant fragrance, but dishwashing liquid is designed to clean dirty dishes.  Really dirty dishes.  Dishes that have burnt food clinging to them from last night's dinner party.  

Therefore, when you apply said liquid to bare skin, particularly very sensitive, very elastic skin (like your genitalia) and rub it in for 10-15 minutes (sans water), the end result is going to be bad.  Really scary - I'm never going to be able to reproduce - bad.  Like so bad that you're convinced that your junk isn't going to pull (sorry) through.

The lesson here is DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME.

Nevertheless, Rob learned a boatload about what photographic imagery truly represents via this humorous DIY encounter with his own ignorance.

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When lust occurs relative to a photo / video, you're lusting after light.  Do you realize this?

      

And it's light that's professionally manipulated.  With an intent.  And that intent, if the photographic imagery is successful, can really mess with / impress upon your mind.  And this is especially true if you're a child.  For children have no clue as to just how expertly that light has been manipulated relative to its intent.  Therefore, they are sitting ducks.

With the advent of digital photography, the ubiquity of much malicious intent has perpetuated some serious mental health issues amongst both young people and the young at heart.  For they seemingly cannot remove themselves from the light.  They're puppets.  Consistently not at peace.  Enslaved to something they do not understand that they're constantly bombarded / faced with.

Educate yourself.  Unpack how you yourself came to be so transfixed by light.  And then go spend a lengthy period of time in the locker room (within reason), at the pool, on the beach.  Put on some dark sunglasses, take off your shirt, and be mindful of your place there amongst the semi-nude (or perhaps completely nude if you're not in America) throngs.  

Light isn't real.  Its intent cannot be trusted.  Learn from your mistakes.  You're no longer a boy.  Refuse to be manipulated any longer.  

Pray / Think Fervently Before Choosing To Expand Your Relational Circle (Against The Wishes Of Your Silas)

I began serving as a Silas for the first time back in 2010, and this very Samson Society-like friendship lasted through early 2012.  Likewise, the man I was serving, also served as my Silas.  This relationship came to fruition like so many do within the Samson Society of today.  It was based on intense need spurred on by crisis.

At this time, neither of us men (I was in my late 30s and my Silas six years younger) had any inkling of the Samson Society.  In fact, I'd never even heard the term "porn addict" 'till my new friend labeled himself as such over a routine lunch.  From there, I revealed my struggles with homosexual desires coupled with gay porn.  It made for a sobering / very unique moment for both of us as we naively (& now somewhat nakedly) stepped forward together.

There was a relational lull (downtime / cooling off) immediately following this conversation (2-3 months) before our friendship kicked into high gear.  And this occurred once my new "porn addict" friend found himself on vocational "probation" at your church.

And this probation stemmed from him being on staff as our youth pastor (which was his exact title).

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As each other's Silases, Chris and I met once a week on Tuesday nights in my garage.  Our routine during these evenings consisted of us running a few miles close to my 'hood before chatting / praying (either in my garage or on my patio).  These meetings were usually no more than 90 minutes, but each encounter was deeply affecting as we quickly began benefiting from relational accountability.  During this time, Chris' probation (vocation at our church) was lifted for which we were both very relieved to see.

Here's an excerpt from a letter I wrote Chris back in 2018 (I hadn't communicated with him for over six years when this was penned):

"I’m writing to thank you for showing me firsthand just how effective being in community truly is for Rob relative to sanctification and personal growth. The friendship that we had while you were youth pastor at Lakeside represented a period of time for me that literally changed my way of thinking as it pertains to what men can and should be doing for each other as brothers in Christ. In fact, I would go so far as to say without a shadow of a doubt that my memory of our kind of friendship represents to me today my most cherished long-term goal in life. 

Were it not for your willingness to be authentic during our lunch that day at Jerusalem Café in Fondren, I seriously doubt that I would be as well versed in the power of community to the degree that I am. Thank you for taking that risk with me and for in turn giving me permission to do the same with you."

That accurately sums up how much I benefited from this friendship for such a time as that and on into the future relative to how it played out as an ideal.

But then it came to an end over me choosing to betray my dear friend, and I did this out of respect for what I felt was the highest goal of our relationship.  That being his recovery combined with my abiding love for the church.  

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Over nine months of no gay porn consumption (for Rob) was a thrilling development of this friendship.  That's what was going on with me during our committed times together.  I distinctly remember divulging that to my friend out of sincere thankfulness.  My time with Chris gave me relation to a straight man who could speak my language / empathize with my struggles coupled with accountability.  Meeting weekly relative to our simplistic routine was all I seemingly needed.  As such, it far outweighed the loneliness I was attempting to stave off via the consumption of salacious imagery.  

But unfortunately, my success seemingly wasn't mirrored within him.  His struggles with porn were different than my own (& I respected this truth), and once he admitted to how dishonesty towards me (regarding his implied sobriety) had also played a part in our "iron sharpening iron" friendship, I soon became wholeheartedly convinced that he needed far more men rallying around him than just me alone.

We discussed my concern and recommendation at length.  From there, I urged him to disclose to the kindhearted, thoughtful Associate Pastor (who was serving as his immediate supervisor at the time & who's still on staff at our church today).  And he came very close to agreeing to do this (with me standing by his side).  I was so proud of him and equally excited to see how God might use this to his benefit.

Eventually though, he stepped back from the idea, claiming that it was through his therapist's commentary (I had encouraged him to start seeing a Christian counselor at the seminary he was enrolled at) that he'd decided to begin backing away from our friendship entirely.

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I love the church.  If there's one thing that's distinctively added so much goodness into my life, it's been the church.  Hence, I have great respect for the church as well as what it's built upon:  God's word.  

As an aside, Chris and I debated on multiple occasions as to whether or not he was an actual pastor relative to him overseeing the youth ministry.  And this all stemmed from me citing New Testament scripture which explicitly states that elders and pastors will be / must be held to a higher standard than everyone else.  

But mostly, I wanted him to obtain the help he no doubt needed, and I knew that our singular friendship alone wasn't going to cut it.

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I reconnected with Chris in 2019 at the National Samson Society retreat in Eva, TN.  He actually admitted to me that years after my betrayal in 2012 (here in Mississippi), another older (also new) friend of his did the same.  And hearing this absolutely crushed me, from the standpoint of this cycle continuing forward.

Chris has queried me just once regarding my decision to betray him, doing so from the standpoint of asking, "Would I do anything differently if I had a chance to relive that experience?"

Of course, I don't see any benefit in attempting to answer this question, but I do know that I have zero regret over what I chose to do.

Today, Chris is no longer serving as a youth pastor.   I don't know exactly how many years he's been formally decoupled from that role, but I'm thinking around four.  Overall, based on the historical commentary that's been relayed to me about Chris (from when he served on staff at our church), within the role of youth pastor, it's been mostly negative.  And this isn't surprising to me due to how deeply / privately transfixed he was to sexual sin during his tenure.

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As a sidenote:

Years ago (fairly early on in my involvement in Samson Society here in Jackson), a younger Samson guy asked for my input regarding a married (husband) friend of his who'd recently divulged (to him) that he was actively committing adultery behind his wife's back via (gay) hookups.  Without hesitation I asked my young friend if his adulterous friend was - at that time - formally separated from his wife.  And after he confirmed that he was not, I unflinchingly charged him with the responsibility of protecting his friend's wife from her husband's stupidity (sexually transmitted diseases, etc.).  

He was magnanimously opposed to the idea of betraying his friend.  So much so that it was as if I had recommended he gleefully spend a few hours dodging traffic whilst attempting to crisscross the Interstate. 

And that was the end of my friendship with this young Samson brother.

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Close relationships that are harmonically predisposed to Samson Society-like principles should never be immune to the moral / spiritual obligations each man has to himself and others (including the church) outside of the relationship.  If it has become this way, I would argue, the relationship has become incestuous.   

Inversely (healthily), that statement relates to the oft short-lived (close) friendships that grow out of Samson Society meetings / community.  For healthiness between friends, equating to a solid recovery regimen, naturally matures / expands outward over time.  It's very similar to evangelism when evangelism is being propelled supernaturally by God's Spirit.  Especially too considering the intensity of these relationships. 

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I'll likely never forget the night Chris attempted to reach me once he'd realized that I was going to follow through with my intentions (the next day).  Witnessing his panic was almost too much to bear.  

Deep, Christ-centered friendship is, at times, fucking hard.  

In closing, today Chris is once again my Silas (officially), and he has been so for probably three months now.  His birthday is Monday, (1/31), and I've always remembered that because it was on that day back in 2012 when he was terminated from his position as youth pastor at our church (this termination happened before my betrayal).  Interestingly enough, regarding his termination, no one at the church knew - to the extent that I did - of his deep-seated issues with Internet porn.

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I'm pleased to say that Chris will be co-leading a winter retreat in Gulf Shores, AL next month, and I'm privileged to be slated to attend (1 of 16).  This will be my second regional Samson Society retreat that I've attended and that he's also co-facilitated.  

His work today as a coach / counselor / group leader is exemplary.  It is no doubt exactly where he needs to be for such a time as this.

He and I - hopefully - will expectedly carry this friendship of ours on into heaven, taking into account all of the various seasons we've lived through - both singularly and together.

Thanks be to God for bringing Chris Inman into my life all those years ago.  No man's friendship has impacted me more profoundly than his.

Recommended Reading

 ‘No Regrets’ Is No Way to Live - WSJ