Dreams can really throw a person for a loop. At least during the entire day(s) following.
Over the past two Saturdays, I've taken each of my oldest two daughters out individually for a run / bike ride. There's a nature trail about 1.5 miles from our abode, and oftentimes, we make the 1/2 mile loop there too once we arrive. At the front of the trail is a quiet, spacious pavilion. It's a perfect spot for a private chat.
It was amazing to me how much more my 16 year-old knew of sex education than my 14 year-old. For this was my ulterior motive in taking them out with me. As most of you know, I could talk about sex all day. It truly is my most favorite topic. And spending one on one time with my whiny teenagers sans my favorite subject simply wasn't going to happen - at least on these two particular Saturdays.
Both of my girls were shocked at hearing about sodomy. Just the whole notion of someone being sexual with their anus / rectum freaked them out. And I suppose this was to be expected due to their being females who're obviously cognizant of what a vagina is designed for. Therefore, why would you ever think to insert / consider inserting something into someone's butt?
Gross. This was both of their consensus.
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I sometimes dream about working once again within the field of architecture or being back in architecture school. These are the kind of dreams that I wake up from and am so grateful they're only dreams and not reality. But, I must admit they're still somewhat distressing to me due to the fact that the negative emotions they convey / stir up inside of me are very, very intense. And these are emotional responses that are occurring while I sleep! Sleeping is supposed to be an emotional respite, is it not? Perhaps, but not whilst dreaming.
So just a few nights ago, I dreamt that I was sodomizing someone. I have no idea whom, but man, it was intensely pleasurable within my dream.
And then I woke up and felt as if I'd been harassed by my mind. For you see, the night before I'd spent close to an hour petitioning the Lakeside Presbyterian Church's missions committee to add Samson House to the church's annual missions giving budget. Therefore, I felt quite vulnerable and exhausted already, and certainly from there wasn't expecting to wake up from this!
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Many years ago, I attended a State Board of Architecture continuing education class at The Old Capitol Museum in downtown Jackson. The museum had been recently renovated throughout with some super deluxe, taxpayer-funded interior finishes. For instance, the bathrooms were gleaming with polished white marble walls / floors. I remember using the restroom during a break and being shocked to see via the highly reflective polished marble flooring what was happening within the adjacent handicap stall. And in return, I was equally as creeped out over the fact that everyone else could see me as well! Stupid architect.
I believe dreams are like this. The mind, via dreams, provides us with an opportunity to almost step into another reality through this weirdly explicit sensory experience that opens up on its own. And oftentimes these dreams leave us shocked after the fact because they serve to interrupt our mental routine / thought life.
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In the past, a friend of mine found himself entangled emotionally with a very attractive co-worker and like so many of these relationships, it had matured rapidly over time into something that was much bigger and more distracting than he'd imagined it ever becoming. He recalled to me vivid sexually explicit dreams he was having that involved her, and this disturbed him greatly as my friend was married with children with no intentions of leaving his family for this pagan woman.
Thankfully, it was these dreams that, I believe, served to shock him enough to realize just what essentially might become were he to continue forward. Therefore, over time, he throttled back on his investment in the relationship 'till it collapsed entirely due to neglect.
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As you know, my sexuality leans towards homosexual and always has. Though I've never been physical with anyone other than my wife, I've certainly entertained countless hours of homosexual fantasies within my mind's eye - particularly as a younger man. So as you might imagine, intense sodomy dreams absolutely put me back into that wretched bathroom stall, leaving me feeling exposed and very, very deviant.
In closing, I've often wondered if some dreams are simply construed within our heads to harass and humiliate us. Satan is described Biblically as the accuser, constantly throwing our sin / shame back into our faces in order to usher us towards a defeated state. And man, is he ever adept at doing just that. How much influence, I wonder, might he have over our subconscious mind while we sleep?
Here's to a good night's sleep tonight.
Wednesday, October 9, 2019
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Sunday, October 6, 2019
Privately (& Gleefully) Tethered To The Lovers Of Your Youth
In the past, I distinctly remember television personalities decrying that a man's sexual fantasy life was absolutely normal, healthy, and expected to exist - whether they're single, married, divorced, or whatever. And it is declarations like these that serve as one of the many reasons I choose to avoid television. I have heard some of the most asinine statements via that particular entertainment medium. I am of the opinion that television personalities are mostly articulate idiots who happen to look great on TV.
I believe the reason this statement is repeatedly made within our culture is twofold:
1. Men who nurture a sexual fantasy life do so for very specific emotional reasons, and these reasons are tied into that man's internal value (or lack thereof). Hence, it can seemingly become critically important to nurture these despite their toxicity.
2. Runaway sexual fantasy lives tend to leave their stations while a man is in his youth. And as we all know, any private sin-laden activity that's rooted in one's youth is typically very hard to break away from as an adult. It's like learning to ride a bike as a child and then being asked to unlearn it much farther down the road.
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A history of fornication can play a role in truly gumming up the works for Christian men who're in bondage to sexual fantasy lives. Obviously, for a man to have participated in fornication, he had to have been sexually attractive enough to woo his lover into bed, and from there, perhaps, be gratified with a partner whom authenticated his efforts by responding with zeal.
"You're a fantastic lover."
"You know exactly how to turn me on."
"You are incredibly good in bed."
"I can't stop thinking about our time together making love."
Sound familiar?
It translates over well, does it not, into sexual fantasy.
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Marriage is hard, and the marriage bed will rarely ever be any sort of basis for a man's sexual fantasy life. It's too unpredictable, and no man typically chooses to imagine his wife, of all people, behaving like some female whore robot on steroids.
That's such a hard truth, but nonetheless, it is truth.
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My sexual fantasy life took root as I was firstly entering into adolescence, and the basis for it was my deep seated sense of worthlessness as it pertained to my sense of masculinity. My sexual fantasies were all about being pursued and ultimately seduced by my imaginary lovers. And man, were these fantasies spectacularly pleasurable to promulgate within my head(s)!
Eventually though, after many years of choosing to avoid these imaginary lovers (sometimes being victorious, sometime not), I was released. And in so many ways, it was not unlike growing up for I never truly felt like a grown up 'till this occurred.
I'm not of the opinion that sexual fantasy is ever justifiable. The Bible is clear about what we're to think upon, and sexual fantasies simply didn't make the cut.
In closing, for men who've spent a lot of time nurturing sexual relationships whilst dating (or otherwise): take the time to self-examine these salacious memories, parsing through them with a fine tooth comb. I believe this is an exercise that's helpful to debunk / dissuade the "right-side" of one's brain via the "left-side's" good work. If anything, it can serves as a starting point towards manhood.
I believe the reason this statement is repeatedly made within our culture is twofold:
1. Men who nurture a sexual fantasy life do so for very specific emotional reasons, and these reasons are tied into that man's internal value (or lack thereof). Hence, it can seemingly become critically important to nurture these despite their toxicity.
2. Runaway sexual fantasy lives tend to leave their stations while a man is in his youth. And as we all know, any private sin-laden activity that's rooted in one's youth is typically very hard to break away from as an adult. It's like learning to ride a bike as a child and then being asked to unlearn it much farther down the road.
-------------------------
A history of fornication can play a role in truly gumming up the works for Christian men who're in bondage to sexual fantasy lives. Obviously, for a man to have participated in fornication, he had to have been sexually attractive enough to woo his lover into bed, and from there, perhaps, be gratified with a partner whom authenticated his efforts by responding with zeal.
"You're a fantastic lover."
"You know exactly how to turn me on."
"You are incredibly good in bed."
"I can't stop thinking about our time together making love."
Sound familiar?
It translates over well, does it not, into sexual fantasy.
-------------------------
Marriage is hard, and the marriage bed will rarely ever be any sort of basis for a man's sexual fantasy life. It's too unpredictable, and no man typically chooses to imagine his wife, of all people, behaving like some female whore robot on steroids.
That's such a hard truth, but nonetheless, it is truth.
-------------------------
My sexual fantasy life took root as I was firstly entering into adolescence, and the basis for it was my deep seated sense of worthlessness as it pertained to my sense of masculinity. My sexual fantasies were all about being pursued and ultimately seduced by my imaginary lovers. And man, were these fantasies spectacularly pleasurable to promulgate within my head(s)!
Eventually though, after many years of choosing to avoid these imaginary lovers (sometimes being victorious, sometime not), I was released. And in so many ways, it was not unlike growing up for I never truly felt like a grown up 'till this occurred.
I'm not of the opinion that sexual fantasy is ever justifiable. The Bible is clear about what we're to think upon, and sexual fantasies simply didn't make the cut.
In closing, for men who've spent a lot of time nurturing sexual relationships whilst dating (or otherwise): take the time to self-examine these salacious memories, parsing through them with a fine tooth comb. I believe this is an exercise that's helpful to debunk / dissuade the "right-side" of one's brain via the "left-side's" good work. If anything, it can serves as a starting point towards manhood.
Saturday, October 5, 2019
Fear & Hope
To me, these are the two diminishing return emotions as they work in contrast to one another. Plus, they're simply never constant in their affectualness. So often, there's a state of mind at play relative to whichever end of the "fear / hope spectrum" you happen to land upon.
Now, everything I just wrote above is coming from a fleshly (pagan) point of view, and I know this because fear and hope can coexist well within men. In fact, healthy fear, if doing its job well, should promote hope and hopefulness. How might I have come to this conclusion? God's word.
-------------------------
Video pornography was firstly screened by Rob via satellite television at my friend's house during one of many sleepovers. We were both in middle school at the time. His persona was entertaining and lighthearted, and his divorced parents happened to both be pagans. Hence, his mother looked the other way while we took full advantage of the Playboy channel. For a 7th grade adolescent, very new-Christian boy (me), it was wildly disconcerting and rebelliously fun!
The only clip / scene I remember from these '80s pornos was one featuring a male porn model costumed up as a priest who eventually seduces one of his female parishioners. As they're having intercourse (doggy-style), he's still clothed in his pastoral regalia from the waist up. I can still see within my mind's eye him saying to the camera, "He will forgive us. He will forgive us...", with a sly smile across his lips as they had sex.
As you might imagine, I would find myself so aroused by these videos that I'd have to excuse myself from the living room in order to find a bathroom upstairs to masturbate in. And from there, whilst covered in ejaculate, I'd often wish that I'd simply drop dead due to my guilt brought on by this extreme, off the charts rebellious sexual sin. I knew it was wrong to be participating in this, but it was so unbelievably captivating to my 13-14 year old brain.
-------------------------
Yesterday, I ate lunch with a friend, and the conversation turned to Jackson Public Schools. He commented that blacks simply do not consider education a priority, therefore that particular school district will always be doomed to fail its minority students. And that statement seemed to hold water, but the more I thought about it yesterday afternoon, I began to disagree.
I personally made my education a priority due to me having both hope and fear intact within my psyche. I feared what my future as a white man might look like sans education whilst hoping, always hoping, for a bright outcome vocationally in tandem with the preparation that would come through my education. And I would argue it's hope that truly propels a group of individuals forward. To put in the work because of hopefulness grants an individual long legs to go the necessary distance with.
If you remove hope from individuals, in particular children, they aren't compelled to make a means towards a brighter future (like education) one of their priorities. As as we all know, black children overall have little to no hope permeating through their minority cultural zeitgeist.
-------------------------
Prior to my termination from the university I was employed at back in 2013, I slowly but surely clicked myself towards hardcore porn via my web browser on my office PC. One click here, another there. It was very deliberate, and I did proceed with caution early on. But, when nothing "bad" happened initially, I kept going. At the time, we didn't have (quite purposefully) an Internet connected device at our rental home, therefore I only had my work PC to serve as my official smut gateway. As more of my fears (of being reprimanded) were allayed, I carried forward with absolutely breaking the institution's info technology policy. And eventually, I threw all caution to the wind. But, in conjunction with this fearlessness came the inevitable loss of hope. And man, did it ever hit me hard.
When Christian men are mired in sexual sin, they're cognizant of their bondage to it. But bondage is qualitative. There are degrees to it. For Rob, during this time in his life, he'd experienced great seasons of victory from sexual sin - primarily due to his involvement with authentic community amongst other Christian men. But now, that community wasn't there in small town Mississippi.
Oh, how he despaired!
-------------------------
What pushes a man to completely embrace rebellion from God through sexual sin? It's lack of hope. It's the belief that these desires are so demonstrative that he's literally at their mercy. Often people bring in the word addiction at this level of helplessness, but I tend to shy away from that word pertaining to sexuality.
I have lived it, and believe you me, you don't want to find yourself in this place. For a Christian, it is beyond horrible.
Where would men be without Samson Society?
Without hope and therefore in bondage.
Now, everything I just wrote above is coming from a fleshly (pagan) point of view, and I know this because fear and hope can coexist well within men. In fact, healthy fear, if doing its job well, should promote hope and hopefulness. How might I have come to this conclusion? God's word.
-------------------------
Video pornography was firstly screened by Rob via satellite television at my friend's house during one of many sleepovers. We were both in middle school at the time. His persona was entertaining and lighthearted, and his divorced parents happened to both be pagans. Hence, his mother looked the other way while we took full advantage of the Playboy channel. For a 7th grade adolescent, very new-Christian boy (me), it was wildly disconcerting and rebelliously fun!
The only clip / scene I remember from these '80s pornos was one featuring a male porn model costumed up as a priest who eventually seduces one of his female parishioners. As they're having intercourse (doggy-style), he's still clothed in his pastoral regalia from the waist up. I can still see within my mind's eye him saying to the camera, "He will forgive us. He will forgive us...", with a sly smile across his lips as they had sex.
As you might imagine, I would find myself so aroused by these videos that I'd have to excuse myself from the living room in order to find a bathroom upstairs to masturbate in. And from there, whilst covered in ejaculate, I'd often wish that I'd simply drop dead due to my guilt brought on by this extreme, off the charts rebellious sexual sin. I knew it was wrong to be participating in this, but it was so unbelievably captivating to my 13-14 year old brain.
-------------------------
Yesterday, I ate lunch with a friend, and the conversation turned to Jackson Public Schools. He commented that blacks simply do not consider education a priority, therefore that particular school district will always be doomed to fail its minority students. And that statement seemed to hold water, but the more I thought about it yesterday afternoon, I began to disagree.
I personally made my education a priority due to me having both hope and fear intact within my psyche. I feared what my future as a white man might look like sans education whilst hoping, always hoping, for a bright outcome vocationally in tandem with the preparation that would come through my education. And I would argue it's hope that truly propels a group of individuals forward. To put in the work because of hopefulness grants an individual long legs to go the necessary distance with.
If you remove hope from individuals, in particular children, they aren't compelled to make a means towards a brighter future (like education) one of their priorities. As as we all know, black children overall have little to no hope permeating through their minority cultural zeitgeist.
-------------------------
Prior to my termination from the university I was employed at back in 2013, I slowly but surely clicked myself towards hardcore porn via my web browser on my office PC. One click here, another there. It was very deliberate, and I did proceed with caution early on. But, when nothing "bad" happened initially, I kept going. At the time, we didn't have (quite purposefully) an Internet connected device at our rental home, therefore I only had my work PC to serve as my official smut gateway. As more of my fears (of being reprimanded) were allayed, I carried forward with absolutely breaking the institution's info technology policy. And eventually, I threw all caution to the wind. But, in conjunction with this fearlessness came the inevitable loss of hope. And man, did it ever hit me hard.
When Christian men are mired in sexual sin, they're cognizant of their bondage to it. But bondage is qualitative. There are degrees to it. For Rob, during this time in his life, he'd experienced great seasons of victory from sexual sin - primarily due to his involvement with authentic community amongst other Christian men. But now, that community wasn't there in small town Mississippi.
Oh, how he despaired!
-------------------------
What pushes a man to completely embrace rebellion from God through sexual sin? It's lack of hope. It's the belief that these desires are so demonstrative that he's literally at their mercy. Often people bring in the word addiction at this level of helplessness, but I tend to shy away from that word pertaining to sexuality.
I have lived it, and believe you me, you don't want to find yourself in this place. For a Christian, it is beyond horrible.
Where would men be without Samson Society?
Without hope and therefore in bondage.
Monday, September 30, 2019
Thursday, September 26, 2019
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