During my upper elementary school years, I discovered masturbation having witnessed my best friend pleasuring his own self via a hand held vibrator he'd discovered underneath his parents' bed. Thankfully, he demonstrated his technique with his shorts on. From there, I was immensely curious, and as they say, the rest was history.
On most days, during this same period of my life, I made a point to spend a few minutes each day perusing the pages of the Service Merchandise catalog. In particular, the electronics section. I did this in order to dream about purchasing some high dollar toy or somesuch that might make my life that much more fun-filled and pleasurable. If I looked at this catalog once, I looked at it a thousand times, reading the same captions / product descriptions over and over again. It made for a very effective escape.
My parents' marriage experienced massive fallout over multiple acts of infidelity around this same time, therefore what was already an extremely immature marriage was completely blown apart. Bob and Darlene from that point forward simply existed around each other; toleration was the key.
I was ignored through all of this devastation despite the fact that I was somewhat privy to the details relative to what had happened. This was a huge mistake that my parents chose to make as they focused solely on themselves and their individual pain.
And all of these proceedings brought about fertile soil for Church Lust to take root.
-------------------------
Even today, there are times when I simply cannot shake the overarching shame I feel when I see someone at church whom I'm sexually attracted to. It's not that I'm necessarily tempted to lust in that moment, but when you have a history of said church lust from your childhood, I have found it permanently stains your soul and effectively clouds your thinking / experiences within certain situations.
My middle school youth pastor was my secret lover. This was all in my head, but nonetheless, it was just about as real as it could get for a young man who'd never had a sexual experience. And that sexual relationship went on and on throughout his tenure at our church (through my 9th grade year), but especially so whilst being pastored during youth trips / retreats. And all of this occurred sans any special treatment / attention on my youth pastor's part towards Rob. It's important too that you realize that I was simply a background student, rarely making a peep outside of small talk with my friends, and that our youth group was sizable, taking into account grades 7th through 12th. The latter especially gave me all the more "cover" to construct my sin-laden fantasy as I observed at arms length.
-------------------------
Lust always involves imagination. It's identifying a part of someone or an entire someone you're sexually attracted to prior to placing them within a fantastical narrative where fornication / adultery occurs. It's as simply as that.
And unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you frame it), unlike the Service Merchandise catalog, people you're sexually attracted to are sometimes really hard to avoid, taking into account the comings and goings of life. And this can be especially true when you're a teenager.
As a side note, I carried on similarly sexually charged fantasies with teachers and coaches at my school as well, therefore all of this pubescent wiener rubbing quickly became second nature to me. Literally to the point of taking stock of it relative to its importance as I would brushing my teeth each morning before school. Hence, these fantasies became intricately interwoven with my hyper fluctuating adolescent emotional state of mind and unabashedly addictive to partake in.
In the past, I've described this season as one where if I were to quantify the amount of semen I ejaculated, it would easily have filled a 55 gallon drum. Obviously, I know, way too much wiener on my hands.
-------------------------
What keeps men as far away from the church house as possible on Sundays? Typically it's shame.
They might cite "refusing to mingle with hypocrites", but that's a ruse. It's shame that's holding them back. It's no different than a fat person eschewing a gym, and this is a very, very hard thing to overcome.
Satan by definition is our accuser. The Bible says that he spends an inordinate amount of time doing just that around God's throne, talking trash about none other than us. For he's privy to our past, highly intelligent and extremely cunning. He knows what we've been up, even before we completely understood the brevity of what we were doing (childhood). There's very little about us that's he's not taken stock of, all in the hopes of shaming us down the road. For inciting shame within men is one of his greatest tools in hopes of keeping us stagnant and depressed.
Don't fall for it. If you're a Christian, Satan's lies are just that. Lies.
Take the time to dissect your past. This is called Self Examination. Use that good work to help you see clearly where you've been and why (to the best of your ability). From there, use it to your's and the Holy Spirit's advantage as you work to resist feelings of shame.
Emotions are important, but they're not inexcusable. Shame is an emotion. A terrible, debilitating emotion, but it can be overcome if its root is brought into the light.
Sunday, August 4, 2019
Saturday, August 3, 2019
New Beginnings Samson Society Fall Retreat!
This is the annual Samson Society Fall Retreat sponsored by Samson House. Pirate Monks gather on the first weekend in November at the beautiful Lakeshore Camp and Retreat Center in Eva, Tennessee, about 2 hours west of Nashville, to:
Detach temporarily from the stresses of everyday life
Make conscious contact with God in a serene environment
Gain recovery wisdom from others on the Path
Examine our personal patterns from a fresh perspective
Renew old friendships and make new ones
Meet online buddies in-person
Relax around a campfire
Tell stories
Laugh
This year, in addition to our customary workshops and Silas walks, we will be hearing from special guest Jay Stringer, whose book Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing has altered the Christian conversation around sexual addiction and recovery.
What's Included. The registration fee for the weekend covers lodging, meals, materials, recreational equipment and all programming from dinner on Friday through breakfast on Sunday.
Cost. The price of the retreat depends on the sleeping accommodations you choose. There are two levels of bunkhouse berths available, along with a VERY limited number of private (4) and semi-private (12) rooms.
Transportation. Transportation is not included, but if you are flying to Nashville and need rides from and to the airport, email your carrier and flight times to piratemonktransportation@gmail.com and a member of our team will help you.
What to bring. Hiking, fishing, and boating are available at the camp, so if you want to take advantage of those opportunities, bring your gear. Bring any snacks or special medications.
Bedding. Bedding is NOT provided in the Vintage Bunkhouses or the Lodge Bunk Rooms, so bring your own sleeping bag or sheets and blankets, plus a pillow, UNLESS you are staying in a semi-private or private room.
Electrical outlets. Electrical outlets are scarce in the Vintage Bunkhouses, but there are plenty of outlets in the Lodge Bunk Rooms, semi-private Rooms and single rooms, so bring your phone charger or CPAP machine.
Workshops. There will only be two workshop sessions, so you will need to select the two workshops you will attend in person. However, all workshops will be recorded with video and audio, and those recordings will be made available to all attendees, so you won't need to miss anything.
Questions. Email any other questions related to the retreat to samsonretreat.info@gmail.com
Transportation. Transportation is not included, but if you are flying to Nashville and need rides from and to the airport, email your carrier and flight times to piratemonktransportation@gmail.com and a member of our team will help you.
What to bring. Hiking, fishing, and boating are available at the camp, so if you want to take advantage of those opportunities, bring your gear. Bring any snacks or special medications.
Bedding. Bedding is NOT provided in the Vintage Bunkhouses or the Lodge Bunk Rooms, so bring your own sleeping bag or sheets and blankets, plus a pillow, UNLESS you are staying in a semi-private or private room.
Electrical outlets. Electrical outlets are scarce in the Vintage Bunkhouses, but there are plenty of outlets in the Lodge Bunk Rooms, semi-private Rooms and single rooms, so bring your phone charger or CPAP machine.
Workshops. There will only be two workshop sessions, so you will need to select the two workshops you will attend in person. However, all workshops will be recorded with video and audio, and those recordings will be made available to all attendees, so you won't need to miss anything.
Questions. Email any other questions related to the retreat to samsonretreat.info@gmail.com
Special discount for ROAD TRIPPERS: if you are coming with three or more from more than 300 miles away, you can stay together in the "Road Trippers Lodge" - comfortable accomodations in the lovely Hope Lodge for the price of the Vintage Bunkhouse, plus a special reception!
REGISTER HERE
Cheating Life (For Yourself As Well As Those Within Your Sphere of Influence)
You've heard the phrase "Cheating Death". It's often associated with "Dodging A Bullet" which is an associative figure of speech that's similarly effective at describing the escape from a tough situation.
Typically, as we age, we qualify circumstances as such. Chronic illness eventually sets in, accidents occur, and so forth. Hence, we often must work to seek treatment and care to heal. And this is considered one's prerogative as people around you intercede and hope for recovery.
And this approach is Biblical. Jesus healed people, even going so far as to raise the dead. He did this out of compassion, recognizing through his own humanity the horror of what sickness / death brings to mankind as the end result of our sin laden flesh.
But what of "Cheating Life"?
------------------------
Last week, my two oldest offspring accompanied me on a business trip to MO / AR. On Thursday, we drove almost as much as we had on the previous Monday (+/-7 hours), but this time, it was unabashedly rural during our entire journey. Eventually, we made our second stop at a gas station in "Nowhere", AR, and literally, there was nothing there but the gas station itself adjacent to the interstate highway.
Inside was a Subway sandwich shop upon which we lighted, eating out sandwiches whilst watching the locals come in and out like clockwork. Immediately, I recognized that something was out of sorts as the handsome young clerk kept repeating the same diatribe relative to there not being any available lottery tickets for sale that day. He did this with almost every patron that graced his presence as everyone seemed keenly interested in getting in on the action. And when I say almost everyone, I mean it. The desire to play the AR lottery that day seemed to cross racial and socioeconomic lines equally.
After the girls and I finished our early dinner there at our booth, I approached the clerk and asked what percentage of patrons purchased lottery tickets there at the "Flash Mart". He looked at me quizzically and almost went to the rear of the counter seeking some assistance in answering my inquiry. I then volunteered an answer by saying, "75%?". He confirmed my guess before providing commentary as to how many of his daily customers come in repeatedly throughout the day to purchase. And then surprisingly, he seemed to confess when he mentioned the addictive nature of what he was selling.
-------------------------
As Christians, we're to be both transformed in our thinking and keenly aware of our witness. The latter has to do with our influence due to those commands of Jesus which were centered on "spreading the gospel to the ends of the Earth". We do this most effectively through our story, and each time we're involved in evangelism, we in turn mature forward (grow) as Christians. It's a win-win for everyone involved.
If we truly believe this, we'll pity those who work towards attempting to cheat themselves out of their lives by either purchasing lottery tickets, gambling, or involving themselves in any other forms of fruitless, witness tainting entertainment.
'Cause that's what it is. Witness tainting entertainment.
Witness tainting means no longer extra-ordinary. Essentially, it neuters your influence as a Christ follower by lumping you in with all the other mindless Americanized automatons.
But you might argue that we Christians have a right to be entertained, but that's the Americanized version of Christianity which isn't Biblical. Christians have no rights. And we are called to be content in all situations which jives with our role as slaves to Christ.
-------------------------
I grew up in the '80s. My middle class only-child childhood was built around video entertainment. Cable television primarily but also film. My 'rents and I made love to our Toshiba 19" CRT television (with stereo sound!) almost every night, and if there was a Spielberg movie to the seen at Meadowbrook Cinema 6 in Jackson, we were there! To me, this was normal. I mean, who didn't embrace video entertainment as our family did? The answer: nobody, or so it seemed.
The problem with this video entertainment lovemaking is that it's no different than buying lottery tickets every day (or hour of every day).
Both are attempts to cheat the life that we've been given to live, and in my opinion, both are similarly as effective at this.
To cheat life is to not be content with our present circumstances. It's as simple as that. Gambling and corporation produced video entertainment feed on this discontentment, and I would argue, neither can be participated in sans mucking up your Christian witness. And yes, this mucking up / working against includes consuming endless quantities of corporation-produced video entertainment, no matter how you slice it.
So what are we to do as Christians? Stop purchasing beer and cigarettes at the convenience store with our gallon of milk? Eschew watching Internet porn on our pocket computers, even when we're itching to delve into the latest videos of our most favorite porn star?
What about taking shockingly cheap vacations to the beach / Caribbean built upon the mandated 2.5 hour time-share sales pitch, knowing all the while that there's absolutely no way we'll be signing the bottom line?
Are you kidding me? Maybe the better question is this one: Are you a Christian? If so, where has your understanding and sense of protection relative to your Christian witness gone to (if it ever existed at all)?
Perhaps it's gone to America. The majority of Americans cheat death (excellent healthcare) and life via their pursuit of endless entertainment happiness, but this pursuit of the latter (seemingly entitlement) is not in line with Christianity. And it never was.
Remember, just because you're an American doesn't disqualify your soul for the fires of hell, therefore consider eternity today. There's much to be gained there as you ponder either being a slave to Christ or your own self and how that should play out within the everyday life that you live for everyone within your sphere of influence (even salesmen who're interested in selling you timeshares).
Typically, as we age, we qualify circumstances as such. Chronic illness eventually sets in, accidents occur, and so forth. Hence, we often must work to seek treatment and care to heal. And this is considered one's prerogative as people around you intercede and hope for recovery.
And this approach is Biblical. Jesus healed people, even going so far as to raise the dead. He did this out of compassion, recognizing through his own humanity the horror of what sickness / death brings to mankind as the end result of our sin laden flesh.
But what of "Cheating Life"?
------------------------
Last week, my two oldest offspring accompanied me on a business trip to MO / AR. On Thursday, we drove almost as much as we had on the previous Monday (+/-7 hours), but this time, it was unabashedly rural during our entire journey. Eventually, we made our second stop at a gas station in "Nowhere", AR, and literally, there was nothing there but the gas station itself adjacent to the interstate highway.
Inside was a Subway sandwich shop upon which we lighted, eating out sandwiches whilst watching the locals come in and out like clockwork. Immediately, I recognized that something was out of sorts as the handsome young clerk kept repeating the same diatribe relative to there not being any available lottery tickets for sale that day. He did this with almost every patron that graced his presence as everyone seemed keenly interested in getting in on the action. And when I say almost everyone, I mean it. The desire to play the AR lottery that day seemed to cross racial and socioeconomic lines equally.
After the girls and I finished our early dinner there at our booth, I approached the clerk and asked what percentage of patrons purchased lottery tickets there at the "Flash Mart". He looked at me quizzically and almost went to the rear of the counter seeking some assistance in answering my inquiry. I then volunteered an answer by saying, "75%?". He confirmed my guess before providing commentary as to how many of his daily customers come in repeatedly throughout the day to purchase. And then surprisingly, he seemed to confess when he mentioned the addictive nature of what he was selling.
-------------------------
As Christians, we're to be both transformed in our thinking and keenly aware of our witness. The latter has to do with our influence due to those commands of Jesus which were centered on "spreading the gospel to the ends of the Earth". We do this most effectively through our story, and each time we're involved in evangelism, we in turn mature forward (grow) as Christians. It's a win-win for everyone involved.
If we truly believe this, we'll pity those who work towards attempting to cheat themselves out of their lives by either purchasing lottery tickets, gambling, or involving themselves in any other forms of fruitless, witness tainting entertainment.
'Cause that's what it is. Witness tainting entertainment.
Witness tainting means no longer extra-ordinary. Essentially, it neuters your influence as a Christ follower by lumping you in with all the other mindless Americanized automatons.
But you might argue that we Christians have a right to be entertained, but that's the Americanized version of Christianity which isn't Biblical. Christians have no rights. And we are called to be content in all situations which jives with our role as slaves to Christ.
-------------------------
I grew up in the '80s. My middle class only-child childhood was built around video entertainment. Cable television primarily but also film. My 'rents and I made love to our Toshiba 19" CRT television (with stereo sound!) almost every night, and if there was a Spielberg movie to the seen at Meadowbrook Cinema 6 in Jackson, we were there! To me, this was normal. I mean, who didn't embrace video entertainment as our family did? The answer: nobody, or so it seemed.
The problem with this video entertainment lovemaking is that it's no different than buying lottery tickets every day (or hour of every day).
Both are attempts to cheat the life that we've been given to live, and in my opinion, both are similarly as effective at this.
To cheat life is to not be content with our present circumstances. It's as simple as that. Gambling and corporation produced video entertainment feed on this discontentment, and I would argue, neither can be participated in sans mucking up your Christian witness. And yes, this mucking up / working against includes consuming endless quantities of corporation-produced video entertainment, no matter how you slice it.
So what are we to do as Christians? Stop purchasing beer and cigarettes at the convenience store with our gallon of milk? Eschew watching Internet porn on our pocket computers, even when we're itching to delve into the latest videos of our most favorite porn star?
What about taking shockingly cheap vacations to the beach / Caribbean built upon the mandated 2.5 hour time-share sales pitch, knowing all the while that there's absolutely no way we'll be signing the bottom line?
Are you kidding me? Maybe the better question is this one: Are you a Christian? If so, where has your understanding and sense of protection relative to your Christian witness gone to (if it ever existed at all)?
Perhaps it's gone to America. The majority of Americans cheat death (excellent healthcare) and life via their pursuit of endless entertainment happiness, but this pursuit of the latter (seemingly entitlement) is not in line with Christianity. And it never was.
Remember, just because you're an American doesn't disqualify your soul for the fires of hell, therefore consider eternity today. There's much to be gained there as you ponder either being a slave to Christ or your own self and how that should play out within the everyday life that you live for everyone within your sphere of influence (even salesmen who're interested in selling you timeshares).
Saturday, July 27, 2019
Masculine / Feminine
Modern buildings cannot support themselves without structural members tied to a foundation. It's the
starting point of construction. Prior to the industrial revolution, structural members within a building
consisted primarily of the walls themselves. Hence they were dubbed load bearing walls. These walls
were very thick (particularly at the base) and at times had buttresses designed in to reinforce their
solidarity. Because the entire wall was supporting the roof and floors above, the wall could only be
described as a system which was tightly enmeshed relative to structure, interior finish, and exterior
envelope. Master tradesmen executed these designs with very few drawings / specs and oversight.
Today, very few commercial buildings utilize a structural system that consists of load bearing walls exclusively. The reasoning behind this is primarily scale of fenestration (doors / windows) limitations as well as building height. In lieu of load bearing walls, today's buildings are supported primarily via structural steel and / or poured in place concrete frames. From an architectural standpoint, the modern structural system is seen as a necessary evil. Steel columns are typically encapsulated within wall cavities underneath spray-on fireproofing while roof trusses are typically given the cold shoulder in lieu of precisely symmetrical HVAC ductwork and exposed cable trays. Concrete work isn't eschewed quite as severely, though rarely do you see structural concrete work left exposed to the interior sans extensive finish touch up. In other words, it's assumed that structure for structure's sake isn't to be celebrated much less respected in the least. Instead, it's the frou frou that takes center stage. That being, interior finishes and envelope design. For pete's sake, even furnishings get more respect! But, no one can argue that without structural systems, there would be no architecture, much less buildings of any type.
As we used to say in architecture school, the sky crane has yet to be invented!
This 21st century architectural reality is identical to the sexual roles we're faced with today in our western culture. Imagine structural systems (steel framing / concrete and steel foundations or the aforementioned load bearing walls) being a metaphor for masculinity whilst all the interior finishes and envelope (including wall framing) to be a metaphor for femininity. One might argue that one of the primary identifiers of a building as shelter is its envelope relative to watertightness and interior comfort, but no one can dispute the plinth of existing that is a building's structural system. Yet, the structural system can be hidden and still perform admirably, and as I stated earlier, in today's architecture, it very rarely isn't. This is certainly not the case for the building envelope. It is always in clear view.
In today's culture, men and women are equal and completely independent of each other, yet in the Bible, man was created by God prior to his helpmeet, woman, being formed from the rib of the man. The Bible doesn't address their roles initially in any more detail than what I just wrote, but it's clear that after the Fall, the masculine and feminine become more pronounced due to the paradigm shift that inevitably occurred. What did that look like? I don't care to speculate, but I feel that both Adam and Eve became much more defined in their complementarian sex roles.
If you want to damage a female or locate a damaged female, abandon one at a young age or find one who's been abandoned by a patriarchal figure. Many (if not all) lesbians have patriarchal abandonment issues. That being said, many lesbians aren't sexually attracted to other women despite the fact that they prefer to partner with them. For those who aren't, they choose to be with other women in order to find emotional support that's in no way connected or dependent upon men. This is their method of coping with the trauma associated with the patriarchal abandonment, alleviating the risk entirely of experiencing said trauma again.
There is nothing that defines femininity more than their dependence on the masculine - by definition. When this dependence is exploited by males, females suffer tremendous emotional consequences.
The feminine wouldn't exist without the masculine. They are byproducts of our existence. To be feminine is to be in need of support. Sometimes that's physical but mostly it's spiritual, economic, and emotional. The latter is more of an anchor than anything else, albeit, some men do this better than others. Women are forbidden to preach and teach to men. It's cut and dry in God's word. The feminine is beautiful and protective and nurturing. It's fashionable and fluid to the point of being in many cases, seductive. But, that being said, the feminine can be crushed easily, resulting in devastation.
It is a delicately balanced relationship that's harmonious whilst being firmly planted in righteousness. To God be the glory for creating woman out of man. She is amazing to behold.
Today, very few commercial buildings utilize a structural system that consists of load bearing walls exclusively. The reasoning behind this is primarily scale of fenestration (doors / windows) limitations as well as building height. In lieu of load bearing walls, today's buildings are supported primarily via structural steel and / or poured in place concrete frames. From an architectural standpoint, the modern structural system is seen as a necessary evil. Steel columns are typically encapsulated within wall cavities underneath spray-on fireproofing while roof trusses are typically given the cold shoulder in lieu of precisely symmetrical HVAC ductwork and exposed cable trays. Concrete work isn't eschewed quite as severely, though rarely do you see structural concrete work left exposed to the interior sans extensive finish touch up. In other words, it's assumed that structure for structure's sake isn't to be celebrated much less respected in the least. Instead, it's the frou frou that takes center stage. That being, interior finishes and envelope design. For pete's sake, even furnishings get more respect! But, no one can argue that without structural systems, there would be no architecture, much less buildings of any type.
As we used to say in architecture school, the sky crane has yet to be invented!
This 21st century architectural reality is identical to the sexual roles we're faced with today in our western culture. Imagine structural systems (steel framing / concrete and steel foundations or the aforementioned load bearing walls) being a metaphor for masculinity whilst all the interior finishes and envelope (including wall framing) to be a metaphor for femininity. One might argue that one of the primary identifiers of a building as shelter is its envelope relative to watertightness and interior comfort, but no one can dispute the plinth of existing that is a building's structural system. Yet, the structural system can be hidden and still perform admirably, and as I stated earlier, in today's architecture, it very rarely isn't. This is certainly not the case for the building envelope. It is always in clear view.
In today's culture, men and women are equal and completely independent of each other, yet in the Bible, man was created by God prior to his helpmeet, woman, being formed from the rib of the man. The Bible doesn't address their roles initially in any more detail than what I just wrote, but it's clear that after the Fall, the masculine and feminine become more pronounced due to the paradigm shift that inevitably occurred. What did that look like? I don't care to speculate, but I feel that both Adam and Eve became much more defined in their complementarian sex roles.
If you want to damage a female or locate a damaged female, abandon one at a young age or find one who's been abandoned by a patriarchal figure. Many (if not all) lesbians have patriarchal abandonment issues. That being said, many lesbians aren't sexually attracted to other women despite the fact that they prefer to partner with them. For those who aren't, they choose to be with other women in order to find emotional support that's in no way connected or dependent upon men. This is their method of coping with the trauma associated with the patriarchal abandonment, alleviating the risk entirely of experiencing said trauma again.
There is nothing that defines femininity more than their dependence on the masculine - by definition. When this dependence is exploited by males, females suffer tremendous emotional consequences.
The feminine wouldn't exist without the masculine. They are byproducts of our existence. To be feminine is to be in need of support. Sometimes that's physical but mostly it's spiritual, economic, and emotional. The latter is more of an anchor than anything else, albeit, some men do this better than others. Women are forbidden to preach and teach to men. It's cut and dry in God's word. The feminine is beautiful and protective and nurturing. It's fashionable and fluid to the point of being in many cases, seductive. But, that being said, the feminine can be crushed easily, resulting in devastation.
It is a delicately balanced relationship that's harmonious whilst being firmly planted in righteousness. To God be the glory for creating woman out of man. She is amazing to behold.
The Marriage Pyramid
Written July, 2017
There is a pyramid that exists containing all of the marriages that are within my / our realm of influence. It's analogous to a pyramid built out of playing cards with each marriage represented by a pair of cards. I’m cognizant of these as I / we interact with other couples whether it be through vocation or church, neighborhood or school. There are far too many of these to count, but the ones that are closest to the bottom provide the most support to us. These inevitably are made up of older couples whose marriages had stood the test of time much longer than our own.
Many years ago, we became fast friends with an older couple with one teenage son. They were mentors of ours that we came to know through our church, and they loved us as we loved them. Angie and I hadn’t had any children at this point and overall were very much starting out on all fronts. Our new marriage had already hit some extremely rough patches during the initial two years. That being said, we were thankful to have this older Christian couple in our lives who'd been married for close to 2 decades.
Surprisingly, our friends decided to divorce a few years into our friendship. As far as we knew (based on what they communicated with us), the circumstances didn’t warrant the divorce from a Biblical standpoint, but nonetheless, they chose to do so. I recall we had just had our first child at this time. I can still remember sitting with my wife and asking the same question over and over – why would they choose to do this to us - to themselves and to us? What gain is there in throwing away everything they'd built together?
From there, Angie did have one last meeting with her / our friend, though neither of us ever did speak to the man (husband). The outcome of that meeting was one of disappointment and a sense of immense powerlessness relative to the integrity (that's a key concept here) of small area of the aforementioned marriage pyramid. From there, the woman chose to never speak to us again. It was heartbreaking to live through as we could feel their loss and ultimate abandonment of us within our very core.
When this couple chose to divorce, the stability of our marriage was inevitably shaken due to the fact that we were standing in many ways on their shoulders. The goodness and faithfulness that they were actively displaying served to buttress us in countless ways. Without it, we became less steady and certainly more jaded relative to the institution of marriage as a whole, and this was especially true as vulnerable newlyweds.
My initial employer out of college was a divorcee. He’d remarried and had two beautiful daughters with wife number two. I can remember spending time with their family at Christmas (awkward office parties) and over the summer at their lake house (even more awkward office party) one particularly hot July afternoon. They were obviously happily married, but I was always cognizant of the fact that their marriage wasn’t their first, therefore I didn’t consider it to necessarily qualify for our (first marriage) pyramid. It wasn’t that they weren’t altogether a fine example of a healthy marriage, but no matter how I sliced it, the pain from their initial failed marriage was visible within each of them as individuals. And it was that pain that I had such a difficult time looking past. Though I certainly wished them well, there was a sizable part of me that wanted nothing to do with that pain. Ever. And again, we were especially sensitive to this as newlyweds.
My second employer was a partnership, and the shareholder I worked for the mostest throughout my tenure there was a divorcee who’d remarried one of his employees who was also a divorcee. I spent many years working closely with this man on projects large and small, learning so much about the profession of architecture along the way, but when it came to marriage number two, it was obvious that it as well was difficult and not necessarily headed for deep seated solidarity. All the while, he had two boys from his first marriage who were living with their mother and his new wife also had a son who was living with his father.
This Saturday, I was in the grocery and bumped into this man. He was all smiles, giving me an update on his family. Within that delivery, I asked about his stepson. For I knew tangentially both this boy and his wife. In fact, I’d even attended their wedding – out of respect for my former boss – at Pinelake Baptist Church.
From what I could recall, the stepson had two daughters and they were living close by. I’d even seen his stepson and one of his granddaughters at our local elementary school at a father / daughter dance that I’d also attended a number of years back. All and all, this young man seemed to be a very cool guy.
And then the bomb dropped when...
My old boss informed me nonchalantly that his stepson had recently divorced, and actually had just remarried the night before!
I know my countenance revealed by nausea to him. I could feel it sync up with the pain in my heart. Within that moment, I flashedbackwards to his stepson’s wedding day at Pinelake church. It enabled me to see so many beautiful details that I’d long since forgotten.
This couple was striking together. Beautiful. He was a tall, handsome blonde and she was also a very attractive, tall blonde. Both professed to be Christians. College educated. Articulate. Funny. And on and on. I was so happy for them both, especially considering the familial difficulties the man had faced being reared within a broken home.
Upon seeing my reaction, my old boss then glossed over this news and continued forward into other relational particulars about his work, etc. Despite his best efforts, I was too shocked to hear anything else of any substance. Eventually, we parted ways there in the produce section.
Throughout this weekend, I’ve felt despair over this and so many divorces that I’ve witnessed relative to our pyramid. And honestly, it makes me fear for my own marriage. Every time I encounter another failed marriage, I’m forced to recall all of the others that have come before. And at this point in our marriage, there are too many divorces to keep up with.
In conclusion, there are so many divorces that have weakened our pyramid throughout the years. Couples of varying ages and walks of life. Through work or platonic connections, church or neighborhood we’re left speechless at the sheer quantity of divorces, re-marriages, divorces, and re-marriages. It’s literally like a plague that’s devastated the integrity of our region of the marriage pyramid and this devastation continues forward even as I type this. Depressing to say the least.
We feel powerless as we watch this destruction unfold. It’s heartbreaking – literally.
God hates divorce. I am convinced the marriage pyramid wasn’t meant to be compromised in this way. Each of our marriages truly are connected to each other within our own community. Who can endure the tangential pain of witnessing the destruction of marriages all around us?
Lagniappe
There is a pyramid that exists containing all of the marriages that are within my / our realm of influence. It's analogous to a pyramid built out of playing cards with each marriage represented by a pair of cards. I’m cognizant of these as I / we interact with other couples whether it be through vocation or church, neighborhood or school. There are far too many of these to count, but the ones that are closest to the bottom provide the most support to us. These inevitably are made up of older couples whose marriages had stood the test of time much longer than our own.
Many years ago, we became fast friends with an older couple with one teenage son. They were mentors of ours that we came to know through our church, and they loved us as we loved them. Angie and I hadn’t had any children at this point and overall were very much starting out on all fronts. Our new marriage had already hit some extremely rough patches during the initial two years. That being said, we were thankful to have this older Christian couple in our lives who'd been married for close to 2 decades.
Surprisingly, our friends decided to divorce a few years into our friendship. As far as we knew (based on what they communicated with us), the circumstances didn’t warrant the divorce from a Biblical standpoint, but nonetheless, they chose to do so. I recall we had just had our first child at this time. I can still remember sitting with my wife and asking the same question over and over – why would they choose to do this to us - to themselves and to us? What gain is there in throwing away everything they'd built together?
From there, Angie did have one last meeting with her / our friend, though neither of us ever did speak to the man (husband). The outcome of that meeting was one of disappointment and a sense of immense powerlessness relative to the integrity (that's a key concept here) of small area of the aforementioned marriage pyramid. From there, the woman chose to never speak to us again. It was heartbreaking to live through as we could feel their loss and ultimate abandonment of us within our very core.
When this couple chose to divorce, the stability of our marriage was inevitably shaken due to the fact that we were standing in many ways on their shoulders. The goodness and faithfulness that they were actively displaying served to buttress us in countless ways. Without it, we became less steady and certainly more jaded relative to the institution of marriage as a whole, and this was especially true as vulnerable newlyweds.
My initial employer out of college was a divorcee. He’d remarried and had two beautiful daughters with wife number two. I can remember spending time with their family at Christmas (awkward office parties) and over the summer at their lake house (even more awkward office party) one particularly hot July afternoon. They were obviously happily married, but I was always cognizant of the fact that their marriage wasn’t their first, therefore I didn’t consider it to necessarily qualify for our (first marriage) pyramid. It wasn’t that they weren’t altogether a fine example of a healthy marriage, but no matter how I sliced it, the pain from their initial failed marriage was visible within each of them as individuals. And it was that pain that I had such a difficult time looking past. Though I certainly wished them well, there was a sizable part of me that wanted nothing to do with that pain. Ever. And again, we were especially sensitive to this as newlyweds.
My second employer was a partnership, and the shareholder I worked for the mostest throughout my tenure there was a divorcee who’d remarried one of his employees who was also a divorcee. I spent many years working closely with this man on projects large and small, learning so much about the profession of architecture along the way, but when it came to marriage number two, it was obvious that it as well was difficult and not necessarily headed for deep seated solidarity. All the while, he had two boys from his first marriage who were living with their mother and his new wife also had a son who was living with his father.
This Saturday, I was in the grocery and bumped into this man. He was all smiles, giving me an update on his family. Within that delivery, I asked about his stepson. For I knew tangentially both this boy and his wife. In fact, I’d even attended their wedding – out of respect for my former boss – at Pinelake Baptist Church.
From what I could recall, the stepson had two daughters and they were living close by. I’d even seen his stepson and one of his granddaughters at our local elementary school at a father / daughter dance that I’d also attended a number of years back. All and all, this young man seemed to be a very cool guy.
And then the bomb dropped when...
My old boss informed me nonchalantly that his stepson had recently divorced, and actually had just remarried the night before!
I know my countenance revealed by nausea to him. I could feel it sync up with the pain in my heart. Within that moment, I flashedbackwards to his stepson’s wedding day at Pinelake church. It enabled me to see so many beautiful details that I’d long since forgotten.
This couple was striking together. Beautiful. He was a tall, handsome blonde and she was also a very attractive, tall blonde. Both professed to be Christians. College educated. Articulate. Funny. And on and on. I was so happy for them both, especially considering the familial difficulties the man had faced being reared within a broken home.
Upon seeing my reaction, my old boss then glossed over this news and continued forward into other relational particulars about his work, etc. Despite his best efforts, I was too shocked to hear anything else of any substance. Eventually, we parted ways there in the produce section.
Throughout this weekend, I’ve felt despair over this and so many divorces that I’ve witnessed relative to our pyramid. And honestly, it makes me fear for my own marriage. Every time I encounter another failed marriage, I’m forced to recall all of the others that have come before. And at this point in our marriage, there are too many divorces to keep up with.
In conclusion, there are so many divorces that have weakened our pyramid throughout the years. Couples of varying ages and walks of life. Through work or platonic connections, church or neighborhood we’re left speechless at the sheer quantity of divorces, re-marriages, divorces, and re-marriages. It’s literally like a plague that’s devastated the integrity of our region of the marriage pyramid and this devastation continues forward even as I type this. Depressing to say the least.
We feel powerless as we watch this destruction unfold. It’s heartbreaking – literally.
God hates divorce. I am convinced the marriage pyramid wasn’t meant to be compromised in this way. Each of our marriages truly are connected to each other within our own community. Who can endure the tangential pain of witnessing the destruction of marriages all around us?
Lagniappe
Sunday, July 21, 2019
Be Transformed
None of us can change our friends, spouses, parents, neighbors, employers, siblings. We have no bearing on their decisions or behavior, attitudes, or outlook. Their opinion of us in general, our points of view, faith, etc. are their own. We have no bearing there either.
This truth is a very frustrating one due to the fact that we live in a culture that prioritizes customization as well as the illusion of total life control. Therefore, as consumers, we gravitate towards experiences that provide this by default. Whether we're purchasing an automobile, a technological device, or a hamburger.
We want instantaneous gratification with exactly what we specify from our entertainment, recreational activities, even spiritual experiences. And, who wouldn't? It's such a conveniently luxurious paradigm to exist within.
Hence, these two work against each other, to the point that we begin to question why we're not seeing cross pollination occur between (which is ridiculous to consider, but often at times, how our brains operate).
-------------------------
I want to encourage you to consider the following:
The more you invest personally in cultural catering / luxuries, conversely, the more you'll potentially become stupefied / confused relative to your relationships - whether they're corporate or individual 'till eventually you begin to equate expectationally (my word) one with the other. Be mindful of that. It's a very slippery slope that can wreak emotional havoc rather quickly.
Remember, we're sheep. Sheep are stupid. Stupid is a verb. Many a divorce, premature job quitting, abandoned friendship, estranged family member, disappointment in church / charitable org stems from this unequivocal stance. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP. If you do, know this, you've been duped.
--------------------------
Lastly, you also have little control over your own self as it relates to sin and your sin nature. Disappointing but true. In other words, it's going to get the best of you unless you become an adopted son of God, and even then, you're going to have to fight tooth and nail to be victorious over your flesh over the long-term.
And that truth leads me to eternity, a word / concept that's as ignored as the entire concept of sin is within our culture.
Eternity: Afterlife. Heaven. Hell. Man's soul living beyond his body.
Do you believe or think on this truth? The Bible is built on this concept of life after death here on Earth. If you happen to believe life ends at brain death, you might as well take your Bible and use it as a doorstop.
As children, we all certainly hoped for eternity by default. That was ingrained in our DNA. Ask any child about death, and you'll immediately see that it scares them (just as it should scare us). They're keenly interested in believing that life doesn't simply stop there. Jesus cited children's simple faith as an example of what man's faith should look like, and that story I'm reminded of here.
Do you believe in life after death? Does it terrify you to consider eternity in hell for yourself and those I mentioned earlier (all those people you have no control over)?
Are you interested in allowing God to transform you into someone else, even as you continue to walk this Earth? The Bible says that we can be transformed by the renewing of our minds. What does that mean, and how might it occur? Read Scripture. It's detailed there. The apostle Paul in particular, wrote an awful lot about this.
For me, there's much peace of mind that comes with knowing transformation is happening / active within my life, and that this process is God's alone to ordain / implement / execute. I like resting in this truth. Especially when I'm frustrated over the one I mentioned earlier. Too, I rest similarly knowing I can pray for those whom I have no control over and trust that God's hand is / will be working within their lives as well - as he sees fit.
I want to experience heaven after death, but too, I similarly want to experience heaven now by taking part in the becoming of a new Rob each and every day. There's joy there in seeing that occur as my flesh dies and my spirit matures. All thanks to God's grace. Let that be your / our only focus today.
This truth is a very frustrating one due to the fact that we live in a culture that prioritizes customization as well as the illusion of total life control. Therefore, as consumers, we gravitate towards experiences that provide this by default. Whether we're purchasing an automobile, a technological device, or a hamburger.
We want instantaneous gratification with exactly what we specify from our entertainment, recreational activities, even spiritual experiences. And, who wouldn't? It's such a conveniently luxurious paradigm to exist within.
Hence, these two work against each other, to the point that we begin to question why we're not seeing cross pollination occur between (which is ridiculous to consider, but often at times, how our brains operate).
-------------------------
I want to encourage you to consider the following:
The more you invest personally in cultural catering / luxuries, conversely, the more you'll potentially become stupefied / confused relative to your relationships - whether they're corporate or individual 'till eventually you begin to equate expectationally (my word) one with the other. Be mindful of that. It's a very slippery slope that can wreak emotional havoc rather quickly.
Remember, we're sheep. Sheep are stupid. Stupid is a verb. Many a divorce, premature job quitting, abandoned friendship, estranged family member, disappointment in church / charitable org stems from this unequivocal stance. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP. If you do, know this, you've been duped.
--------------------------
Lastly, you also have little control over your own self as it relates to sin and your sin nature. Disappointing but true. In other words, it's going to get the best of you unless you become an adopted son of God, and even then, you're going to have to fight tooth and nail to be victorious over your flesh over the long-term.
And that truth leads me to eternity, a word / concept that's as ignored as the entire concept of sin is within our culture.
Eternity: Afterlife. Heaven. Hell. Man's soul living beyond his body.
Do you believe or think on this truth? The Bible is built on this concept of life after death here on Earth. If you happen to believe life ends at brain death, you might as well take your Bible and use it as a doorstop.
As children, we all certainly hoped for eternity by default. That was ingrained in our DNA. Ask any child about death, and you'll immediately see that it scares them (just as it should scare us). They're keenly interested in believing that life doesn't simply stop there. Jesus cited children's simple faith as an example of what man's faith should look like, and that story I'm reminded of here.
Do you believe in life after death? Does it terrify you to consider eternity in hell for yourself and those I mentioned earlier (all those people you have no control over)?
Are you interested in allowing God to transform you into someone else, even as you continue to walk this Earth? The Bible says that we can be transformed by the renewing of our minds. What does that mean, and how might it occur? Read Scripture. It's detailed there. The apostle Paul in particular, wrote an awful lot about this.
For me, there's much peace of mind that comes with knowing transformation is happening / active within my life, and that this process is God's alone to ordain / implement / execute. I like resting in this truth. Especially when I'm frustrated over the one I mentioned earlier. Too, I rest similarly knowing I can pray for those whom I have no control over and trust that God's hand is / will be working within their lives as well - as he sees fit.
I want to experience heaven after death, but too, I similarly want to experience heaven now by taking part in the becoming of a new Rob each and every day. There's joy there in seeing that occur as my flesh dies and my spirit matures. All thanks to God's grace. Let that be your / our only focus today.
Saturday, July 20, 2019
You Become the Company You Keep
I've been thinking more and more on my best friend in high school. Considering that, I'm sad to report he's no longer a friend. That being said, how grateful I am to have had him in my life for such a time as that.
When I was about to start my 9th grade year in high school, this soon to be friend of mine was similarly about to start his 10th, and it was during this time in our lives that I platonically pursued both he and his best friend (who happened to be female) with equal effort. Rob needed friends, and I had admired these two from afar, having the opportunity to observe their rapport whilst together in the marching band.
What soon followed (after I'd been allowed into their circle) was David beginning to pull away from his friendgirl and gravitating more and more towards Rob. And none of this did I expect, nor did I comprehend exactly how I was situationally affecting his life. All I'd desired was friendship from each of them, but in making my move, I gained so much more than that by unknowingly meeting an unmet need of his that I had no way of originally seeing because...
David was exceedingly bright. His grades were tops, yet he simply stayed inside of himself completely, never attempting to excel beyond what required deep thought. And I believe that was what was so intriguing to me. He had no insecurity in being focused on schoolwork or tennis or marching band or pop culture alone. Everything else (and there was much more going on - as there always is) was ignored or perhaps compartmentalized. This kind of intense focus made for an almost impenetrable aura of coolness.
And I believe this modus operandi seemed masculine to David because it off gassed the perception of a confidence that was seemingly unprecedented for a teenage boy, much less a young man.
For example, I remember vividly hearing of David giving his valedictorian speech using leadership examples that were exceedingly effeminate for a Mississippi teen. Yet, no one questioned this due to the fact that it came from him. It was simply David being David.
And I loved this confidence. It's what I admired most about him on a subconscious level, being much too young to understand what was truly going on between us.
-------------------------
On the opposing end of this friendship persona spectrum is deep seated insecurity. Insecurity which in some men breeds cynicism. And this by some can be defined as criticism with no hope.
It wasn't 'till I was in the professional world that I witnessed this. Envy breeds from this particular internal outlook as well as paranoia. Two attributes that tend to isolate men, which can cause them to ultimately cannibalize their own selves prior to self-destructing.
These men also have needs, but whilst acknowledging that for yourself, it feels like such a risk to invest there knowing that likely they'll be nothing gained in return.
But, what does God expect of us as Christians? Of course, invest. Take the risk, not expecting anything in return, and encourage this man to listen to this Pirate Monk podcast.
-------------------------
So, where is David today?
He's far from Mississippi, living a life that breaks my heart.
I'm certain he's very similar to who I remember him to be all those years ago, and I doubt I'll ever meet anyone with his level of confidence again, therefore I'm fortunate to have had the time I once did.
God is good. His blessing detailed here on teenage me. So much of who I am grew out of the fertile soil that my long ago friendship with David provided.
When I was about to start my 9th grade year in high school, this soon to be friend of mine was similarly about to start his 10th, and it was during this time in our lives that I platonically pursued both he and his best friend (who happened to be female) with equal effort. Rob needed friends, and I had admired these two from afar, having the opportunity to observe their rapport whilst together in the marching band.
What soon followed (after I'd been allowed into their circle) was David beginning to pull away from his friendgirl and gravitating more and more towards Rob. And none of this did I expect, nor did I comprehend exactly how I was situationally affecting his life. All I'd desired was friendship from each of them, but in making my move, I gained so much more than that by unknowingly meeting an unmet need of his that I had no way of originally seeing because...
David was exceedingly bright. His grades were tops, yet he simply stayed inside of himself completely, never attempting to excel beyond what required deep thought. And I believe that was what was so intriguing to me. He had no insecurity in being focused on schoolwork or tennis or marching band or pop culture alone. Everything else (and there was much more going on - as there always is) was ignored or perhaps compartmentalized. This kind of intense focus made for an almost impenetrable aura of coolness.
And I believe this modus operandi seemed masculine to David because it off gassed the perception of a confidence that was seemingly unprecedented for a teenage boy, much less a young man.
For example, I remember vividly hearing of David giving his valedictorian speech using leadership examples that were exceedingly effeminate for a Mississippi teen. Yet, no one questioned this due to the fact that it came from him. It was simply David being David.
And I loved this confidence. It's what I admired most about him on a subconscious level, being much too young to understand what was truly going on between us.
-------------------------
On the opposing end of this friendship persona spectrum is deep seated insecurity. Insecurity which in some men breeds cynicism. And this by some can be defined as criticism with no hope.
It wasn't 'till I was in the professional world that I witnessed this. Envy breeds from this particular internal outlook as well as paranoia. Two attributes that tend to isolate men, which can cause them to ultimately cannibalize their own selves prior to self-destructing.
These men also have needs, but whilst acknowledging that for yourself, it feels like such a risk to invest there knowing that likely they'll be nothing gained in return.
But, what does God expect of us as Christians? Of course, invest. Take the risk, not expecting anything in return, and encourage this man to listen to this Pirate Monk podcast.
-------------------------
So, where is David today?
He's far from Mississippi, living a life that breaks my heart.
I'm certain he's very similar to who I remember him to be all those years ago, and I doubt I'll ever meet anyone with his level of confidence again, therefore I'm fortunate to have had the time I once did.
God is good. His blessing detailed here on teenage me. So much of who I am grew out of the fertile soil that my long ago friendship with David provided.
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