The Marriage Pyramid

Written July, 2017

There is a pyramid that exists containing all of the marriages that are within my / our realm of influence.  It's analogous to a pyramid built out of playing cards with each marriage represented by a pair of cards.  I’m cognizant of these as I / we interact with other couples whether it be through vocation or church, neighborhood or school.  There are far too many of these to count, but the ones that are closest to the bottom provide the most support to us.  These inevitably are made up of older couples whose marriages had stood the test of time much longer than our own.

Many years ago, we became fast friends with an older couple with one teenage son.  They were mentors of ours that we came to know through our church, and they loved us as we loved them.  Angie and I hadn’t had any children at this point and overall were very much starting out on all fronts.  Our new marriage had already hit some extremely rough patches during the initial two years.  That being said, we were thankful to have this older Christian couple in our lives who'd been married for close to 2 decades.

Surprisingly, our friends decided to divorce a few years into our friendship.  As far as we knew (based on what they communicated with us), the circumstances didn’t warrant the divorce from a Biblical standpoint, but nonetheless, they chose to do so.  I recall we had just had our first child at this time.  I can still remember sitting with my wife and asking the same question over and over – why would they choose to do this to us - to themselves and to us?  What gain is there in throwing away everything they'd built together?

From there, Angie did have one last meeting with her / our friend, though neither of us ever did speak to the man (husband).  The outcome of that meeting was one of disappointment and a sense of immense powerlessness relative to the integrity (that's a key concept here) of small area of the aforementioned marriage pyramid.  From there, the woman chose to never speak to us again.  It was heartbreaking to live through as we could feel their loss and ultimate abandonment of us within our very core.

When this couple chose to divorce, the stability of our marriage was inevitably shaken due to the fact that we were standing in many ways on their shoulders.  The goodness and faithfulness that they were actively displaying served to buttress us in countless ways.  Without it, we became less steady and certainly more jaded relative to the institution of marriage as a whole, and this was especially true as vulnerable newlyweds.

My initial employer out of college was a divorcee.  He’d remarried and had two beautiful daughters with wife number two.  I can remember spending time with their family at Christmas (awkward office parties) and over the summer at their lake house (even more awkward office party) one particularly hot July afternoon.  They were obviously happily married, but I was always cognizant of the fact that their marriage wasn’t their first, therefore I didn’t consider it to necessarily qualify for our (first marriage) pyramid.  It wasn’t that they weren’t altogether a fine example of a healthy marriage, but no matter how I sliced it, the pain from their initial failed marriage was visible within each of them as individuals.  And it was that pain that I had such a difficult time looking past.  Though I certainly wished them well, there was a sizable part of me that wanted nothing to do with that pain.  Ever.  And again, we were especially sensitive to this as newlyweds.

My second employer was a partnership, and the shareholder I worked for the mostest throughout my tenure there was a divorcee who’d remarried one of his employees who was also a divorcee.  I spent many years working closely with this man on projects large and small, learning so much about the profession of architecture along the way, but when it came to marriage number two, it was obvious that it as well was difficult and not necessarily headed for deep seated solidarity.  All the while, he had two boys from his first marriage who were living with their mother and his new wife also had a son who was living with his father.

This Saturday, I was in the grocery and bumped into this man.  He was all smiles, giving me an update on his family.  Within that delivery, I asked about his stepson.  For I knew tangentially both this boy and his wife.  In fact, I’d even attended their wedding – out of respect for my former boss – at Pinelake Baptist Church.

From what I could recall, the stepson had two daughters and they were living close by.  I’d even seen his stepson and one of his granddaughters at our local elementary school at a father / daughter dance that I’d also attended a number of years back.  All and all, this young man seemed to be a very cool guy.

And then the bomb dropped when...

My old boss informed me nonchalantly that his stepson had recently divorced, and actually had just remarried the night before!

I know my countenance revealed by nausea to him.  I could feel it sync up with the pain in my heart.  Within that moment, I flashedbackwards to his stepson’s wedding day at Pinelake church.  It enabled me to see so many beautiful details that I’d long since forgotten.

This couple was striking together.  Beautiful. He was a tall, handsome blonde and she was also a very attractive, tall blonde.  Both professed to be Christians. College educated.  Articulate.  Funny. And on and on.  I was so happy for them both, especially considering the familial difficulties the man had faced being reared within a broken home.

Upon seeing my reaction, my old boss then glossed over this news and continued forward into other relational particulars about his work, etc.  Despite his best efforts, I was too shocked to hear anything else of any substance.  Eventually, we parted ways there in the produce section.

Throughout this weekend, I’ve felt despair over this and so many divorces that I’ve witnessed relative to our pyramid.  And honestly, it makes me fear for my own marriage.  Every time I encounter another failed marriage, I’m forced to recall all of the others that have come before.  And at this point in our marriage, there are too many divorces to keep up with.

In conclusion, there are so many divorces that have weakened our pyramid throughout the years. Couples of varying ages and walks of life.  Through work or platonic connections, church or neighborhood we’re left speechless at the sheer quantity of divorces, re-marriages, divorces, and re-marriages.  It’s literally like a plague that’s devastated the integrity of our region of the marriage pyramid and this devastation continues forward even as I type this.  Depressing to say the least.

We feel powerless as we watch this destruction unfold.  It’s heartbreaking – literally.
God hates divorce.  I am convinced the marriage pyramid wasn’t meant to be compromised in this way.  Each of our marriages truly are connected to each other within our own community.  Who can endure the tangential pain of witnessing the destruction of marriages all around us?

Lagniappe