Big Brother: Asset or Liability. Mike's brother vs. Ben's

I'm an only child.  Typical for Mississippi, my parents got pregnant with me whilst dating as teens and subsequently chose to get married.  From there, they chose to not have any additional children, therefore the closest I had to siblings were my numerous cousins (all of which were boys).

This past week, I volunteered at Lakeside Presbyterian during Vacation Bible School.  I've done this for several years now, and essentially, I serve year after year as the 5th grade guide.  This means I lead the 5th graders from room to room, activity to activity each day.  For example, last week our first stop was the craft room, from there we went to Bible Study, and so forth.

As a upper elementary student, due to the fact that I had no siblings, spending the night with other boys was really appealing to Rob.  I'm sure this was similarly appealing to Bob & Darlene (my parents) due to the fact that I shadowed them closely (typical for an only child).  At times, I'd seen my friends up close and personal entangle themselves both physically and emotionally with their older siblings during these sleepovers.  This was no doubt awkward to witness, but for the most part, I instinctively stayed out of the line of fire.

On one occasion though, I remember being much more than uncomfortable.  In fact, what I witnessed (& am about to describe) concretized my perception for some time of just how influential an older sibling could be - for better or for worse.

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When I was in 6th grade (back in 1984 / 1985), I had the privilege of staying over one Friday evening with my new friend, Mike.  Mike's parents were much older (& wealthier) than my own.  Their home was sprawling (at least thrice the size of the Turner rancher), and subsequently, it was well suited to accommodate a family of 5 people versus 3.  It featured beautiful finishes and soaring ceilings within the living spaces whilst situated on an exquisitely manicured lot amongst very mature landscaping.

Mike's parents had a master bedroom suite that contained a massive bathroom (with a bidet) and separate den.  This is where we ended up hanging out, watching TV 'till we were sent to his room to turn in.  I can still remember the wood paneled walls and thick carpeting.  It was perfect for us two innocent (almost) middle schoolers.  Super fun times.

Mike was overweight.  Not by much, but enough for everyone to take note.  He wasn't at all athletic, and overall, I'd describe his personality as reserved.  But underneath it all, he was kindhearted and thoughtful.  All of these attributes, I liked a lot, but mostly, I enjoyed hanging with Mike because he just seemed to need a solid friend.

After milling around the following Saturday morning, Mike and I found ourselves with little to do except listen to some music in his room.  From what I recall, it was getting close to lunchtime, therefore I knew I'd soon be called home by my mom.  Unexpectedly, Mike's older brother appeared in his doorway.  I don't recall his name.  Not that it matters.  He didn't bother to say a word whilst staring at both of us.

Keep in mind that Mike's older brother was built like a grown man.  Their father was very tall and athletically built and big brother was no different.  Though he was likely only 17, he looked to be 25.

What happened next, I can only describe as horrifically disturbing from a 6th grader's emotional point of view.

I witnessed my friend Mike getting beat up by his older brother to the point of him crying hysterically whilst pleading for him to stop over a period of 5 or so minutes.  The pummeling happened right there in the bedroom on the floor with me staring in disbelief throughout.  I was terrified to move or speak out of fear, and when it was all over, his older brother simply walked out of the bedroom, leaving me to deal with the fallout.

Mike, as you can imagine, was humiliated to the point that I never actually spoke to him again after that day.  There were no more sleepovers.  No more watching TV in the master suite.  No more rinsing my bumhole via the bidet.  The unexpected, undeserved beating severed what little platonic progress he and I had made that weekend.

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Each year at Vacation Bible School, as the 5th grade facilitator, I'm given a few youth helpers to assist me throughout the week.  I was fortunate this year to work alongside a soon to be 7th grader who was mature and confident beyond his age.  Looking at him, there was no doubt he was pre-adolescent, but overall, he was as much of a young man as I'd ever met.

By the time we had lead our 17 elementary students to their 3rd stop on the first day, I began to see why my youth helper (we'll call him Ben) was as mature as he was.

Ben's older brother was also helping out at VBS, but in a more concentrated role.  As we lead our 5th graders for the first time into the Recreation space (gymnasium), it didn't take me long to recognize Ben's older brother.  In many ways, he looked identical except built like a young man (post adolescence).

What was really intriguing to me though during this juncture was how magnetic Ben's older brother's influence was over Ben.  You could sense the swell of pride Ben felt just being in his older brother's presence.

Why was that?

Because Ben was seeing firsthand his genetically confirmed potential right before his eyes.

How cool is that?

I have never witnessed such indirect familial protection as I did on each of the 4 days that these two siblings were together within the same space during VBS.  It was such a gift!

It makes my heart smile just thinking back on this.

The power of a respectful, loving, healthy big brother is incredible to witness.  Incredible.  I feel so fortunate to have this recent memory to replace that which has haunted me for close to 4 decades.

Desiring God post

Recommended reading.

Spreading the word regarding the Metro Jackson Samson Society!

Mississippi Christian Living June issue article can be found here.

Thank you Mississippi Christian Living.  We are grateful for your willingness to help us spread the word about Samson Society!

How Rob Knows

Faith is a gift from God, and it's faith in the unseen that's provided circumstantial proof to Rob that God is working and readily available to me at all times.

If you live long enough, at some point, you're going to experience emotional trauma.  Usually it involves abrupt, "undeserved" loss.  I use the latter term because it's the resulting pain from that trauma that triggers that descriptor, and typically what follows is the question of "What did I do to deserve this?".

As human beings, we rarely, if ever, have enough faith.  Our sin-nature is constantly working to diminish this purest, rarest, most precious of resources.  If we were to encounter loss with the necessary faith, there would be no discontent grown out of self-pity due to the fact that there would be little to no self left at that point within us.  Therefore, with no self, there's no stupid questions like, "What did I do to deserve this?".

And this leads me to the next reveal which I'll also utilize to finish out this emotional trauma reference.

Being born again results in God's spirit inhabiting man.  This spirit works in and through him, bringing about a temperament / persona that's not his own.  The Bible refers to this as the "fruits of the spirit".  All of these fruits are contrasted wildly to our sin nature, therefore they can bring about behaviors and even entire life circumstances that promulgate the consistent thriving / growth of those around us.  It's a way of living life that runs counter to our culture's notion of "do whatever makes you happy, you happy, you happy, you happy."

These fruits combined form one Voltron-like-robot-being called obedience.

And it's that obedience that ultimately provides a path for us to be healed of our trauma.  Though the scars will never fade, the horrible pain and suffering from the trauma lessens and lessens 'till it's gone.

What does that process look like exactly?

It depends on the individual.  It may involve counsel, community, or none of those, though time for healing to occur is a given.  And when you step out on the other side of that valley, the miracle of healing deepens your faith all the more by molding you that much further into the created being God wishes you to be.  It's change that brings about contentment which in turn nourishes faith in that which is unseen.

Lagniappe

She Has Not Forgotten the Husband of Her Youth

Angie and I have been married 23 years today.

We started out this Saturday doing what is reserved for husband / wife only within the marriage bed.

Angie runs her own business out of our home.  For those of you who can comprehend what it's like living with a wife who has this much responsibility (on top of being the mother of my three children), there's way too much for her to realistically manage, yet she somehow, through God's grace, keeps all of the various plates spinning.  Oftentimes, she's up well before the sun rises to get a few hours of work in prior to engaging with all of us around 6 AM.  Now that school is out for the summer, she and I are both seeing some workload reprieve, but due to the fact that Angie's business is her responsibility solely, she's still on task most of the time.

What's amazing to me is that she's not forgotten the Rob of 23 years ago.  Though I'm nothing like I was then, she remembers that new husband and how her body responded to his advances.

Sexual relations for middle-aged husbands can routinely be about them "getting off".  I've heard men talk about feeling as if they're essentially masturbating whilst having intercourse.  For Angie and I, there have been some difficult seasons of less than stellar sex, but overall, we've been enriched and subsequently grown closer together as husband / wife.

That's so sad to me, and I do understand that many, many middle-aged wives forget the husbands of their youth (if they ever knew him at all).  From there, they might look to porn or romance novels or simply close off their sexuality completely.  I would argue that at point, she's likely doing more harm than good, unless her husband is physically disabled / has no libido.

I'm blessed that Angie hasn't gone down that path.  Plus, I'm blessed to have this special day to acknowledge this.

The Bible proclaims a wife's body to be the property of her husband's and vice versa.  That initial season of sexual play whilst newlyweds, may its intensity and brevity never be forgotten as she and I continue to work to harken back to who we once were and yet in so many ways still are.  

Why Aren't Black Men Involved In Samson Society?

Many years ago, for Rob, the only resource for pornography was printed material that was sold at franchise booksellers.  During that particular era of analog smut, I would haunt the Jackson Books-A-Million store in order to purchase my fix every 60 days of so.  Now, my go to wasn't typical for men, therefore it was even more difficult for me to step up to that counter and address the clerk for what I knew I shouldn't purchase but in many ways, desperately needed.

I remember one occasion distinctly because this particular clerk had the audacity to mock me after the transaction was complete.

This young black woman chided me by saying "Now, you tell all of your friends to come in here as well and see me."

Who she was referring to were my gay friends.  For you see, I had asked to purchase a Playgirl magazine.

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I've only known of one black man to attend any Samson Society meetings.  I had the privilege of talking with him extensively at one particular after-meeting.  He disclosed a lot to me during that time, but one thing that stood out was his revealing to me how he'd been belittled as gay by women he'd dated.  And the way this occurred was simply through casual dialogue.  The women literally belittled this guy by accusing him of being gay based on what they'd observed of his demeanor / mannerisms over some set period of time.  And this was in spite of the fact that he was sexually active with all of these women during their dating relationships.

To return to what happened to me in Books-A-Million, you'll recall, I asked for that Playgirl magazine, and when I did, the clerk heard me speak.  Not a whole lot, mind you, but enough for her to hear a man's voice that didn't in the slightest resonate as hyper masculine.

I cannot tell you how many times I've ordered food at a fast-food restaurant by engaging with a black female, and that female immediately smirking in response to both the pitch and inflections of my voice.  In fact, most of the time when I'm in McDonald's, I'm intentional about speaking very softly in order to minimize the auditory impact.

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Overall, Samson Society is about as gay as it gets despite the fact that it has nothing to do with men being romantically / sexually involved with each other.  What I mean by that is Samson Society is first and foremost about building platonic relationships between men that ultimately will provide some semblance of accountability to said men.

I believe many, many men choose to shun men's ministry altogether due to this (including Samson Society).

But I believe black men, in particular, exhibit zero confidence in themselves in this regard, therefore they absolutely will not invest themselves in any semblance of men's ministry out of fear.  And that fear is tied directly to their perceived sexuality (by black women).

To me, as a white man, having a black woman attempt to humiliate me by labeling me as gay does little harm in the end.  Sure, it's belittling and awkward, but I'm frankly not interested in her view / opinion of Rob.  Although, if I was a black man, I do believe, the tables would be turned in her favor.  

It is a travesty that Samson Society (as well as most every other men's ministry I've been involved in) is white through and through.  Where do black men go for support that in no way, shape or form hints at homosexual feelings / relations (the basketball court / barber shop)?  What a paradox black men find themselves dealing with!  The one thing that can provide so much healing is off limits from the standpoint of potentially de-masculinizing him under the premise of it appearing homosexual in nature / character.

Pretend That You Like Me / Vicarious Attraction

Salacious photography hit Rob like an emotional sledgehammer to the head as a middle schooler.  The drugstore periodicals is where I encountered these firstly, and these images weren't on the top shelf or packaged in opaque plastic.  These were "run of the mill" exercise magazines, positioned as "How To" guides on how to look super strong, healthy, and ultimately, physically perfect.  Prior to that encounter, I'd honed my imagination on comic books, TV, and film from the era of the '80s.  Our family was no different than other middle class white nuclears.  We gorged ourselves on the newly introduced cable television each day and ran to the moviehouse to see the latest film on the weekends, never having any truthful idea what we were introducing ourselves to 'till the credits rolled.

Like a young screenwriter, I took those salacious exercise magazine photographs and added a sexualized narrative to them, and typically that narrative involved me being pursued.  This brought on feelings of worthiness and value.  It was overwhelmingly effective at counteracting my low adolescent self-esteem.  Plus, I was in complete control of the fantasy, therefore no one could come in and complicate these relationships or cut them short.

As a college student, I continued in this vein, but at this point, I relied solely on my imagination to fuel these sexual fantasies, though the themes remained the same.

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This past fall, I attended the Samson Society retreat in Eva, Tennessee.  On Saturday, Mr. Nate Larkin challenged us to illustrate some specific scenarios (past or present) that represented thematically a certain portion of our story.  Afterwards, we paired up with 3 or 4 men who were close at hand to discuss our individual work.  One Samson man in our group was in his mid 50s, and upon sharing one of his illustrations, mentioned how difficult it was for him to believe he was at all physically / sexually attractive.  Therefore, he rescinded to Internet porn as an escape which fueled this notion that fantasy lust was justifiable due to his need for self-love.

Now, this man was by no means unattractive physically.  Nor was he physically disabled or of low intelligence.  That's what made this confession so shocking to me.

The industry that sells salacious imagery to us, no matter the format, are slight of hand illusionist who indirectly evangelize self-hatred.  Overall, their product fuels this negativity whilst consumed, but particularly within individuals who are highly visual (like me).

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Years ago, I was watching a daytime television talk show that featured a handful of young beautiful women alongside their mothers.  The premise of this particular show was mother / daughter support relative to the daughters being recently photographed naked in Playboy magazine.  At a certain point during the interviews, the host stopped to take questions from the studio audience.  One very brave man caught the attention of the show host prior to asking the following question of the Playboy Playmates, "Do you understand why it is that mostly men purchase Playboy magazine?"

The camera filming the ladies on the stage abruptly captured their awkward silence before this man answered his own query bluntly.

"They do so in order to masturbate to the photos."

Now that same camera zoomed into these beautiful women's faces squirming in disgust, all the while looking at each other as if they'd now been exposed to the reality of their monumental regret.

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I am convinced that the majority of our consumable entertainment culture is fueled by nothing more than propaganda, subtly telling consumers, "You're a worthless piece of shit because you don't measure up to what you're seeing here onscreen, therefore choose to emotionally invest yourself within these images / story just as everyone else does.  To do so will make you feel better about your pathetic self." 

For so many of us here in the western world, having been sold this bill of goods since childhood, it certainly has made a lasting impression.

What can be done to break free from these lies?  Choose now to STOP consuming them.