Discovery / Narrative, Arousal = Architecture Of Sexuality VS. Longings / Triggers, Fetishes = Mobile Homes Of Lust

"I don't know much about art, but I know what I like."  [This is horseshit.]

Architecture, by definition, wouldn't exist were it not for critics.  Critics use their fine-tuned, scholarly adjudication skillset and from there, communicate to the masses what and why a building qualifies as architecture.  And they do this as an outpouring of their zeal for standout, outstandingly designed buildings.  Buildings which seemingly capture volumetric space in a masterful way (architect = master builder).

A worthwhile architectural critic, by definition, is exceedingly knowledgeable of their subject.  It's this knowledge that allows their critique to carry so much weight.

-------------------------

Guys who find themselves within Samson Society typically fall into the category of sexuality aficionados.  I would argue many of these men entered into crisis (pre-Samson Society) of some sort due to their individual passion for sex colliding with their (in very simplified terms) longstanding / life-long isolated state (inability to find helpful knowledge / understanding therein).  

Religion undoubtedly can play a role in this cataclysm (the majority of Samson guys are Christians).  As such, I would argue that this then knowledge / understanding vacuum will occur alongside the false accusation that "No one else within the church is experiencing nor is as interested in sexuality as you are...FrEaK".  [This too is horseshit.]

-------------------------

Porn, phone sex, hook-up & circle jerk roulette sites all provide pitifully unreliable information regarding sex, yet it's devoured by these men. Why?  Ease of private accessibility.  Too, (if they choose to take this step) transactional sexual relations (strip clubs, massage parlors, prostitution) further their woefully biased / distorted thinking.  Why?  Ease of private accessibility. 

And all of this internalization of such their favorite topic eventually manifests ruts within their minds.  Call them fetishes or triggers.  They're deep valleys within their grey matter equating to salacious comfort food of the ultra-processed Wal-Mart impulse-buy caliber.  

Hence, it's cheap, deadly fare.  Would you choose to dine out of a trash heap for each and every meal?  It's important to remember that although this is the least healthy means to find caloric sustenance, it's still sustenance.

-------------------------

There has to be a healthy way for men - who're like us - to gain needed knowledge regarding sexuality in line with their individual discovery / narrative leading towards arousal.  

Now, what am I referring to when I say, "men like us"?  Go back to what I wrote earlier within this post.  

I'm referring to men who're passionate about sex and therefore deliberately ruminate on it.  Within the same vein as guys who're similarly passionate about other topics of interest such as cars, hunting, video games and so forth.  

-------------------------

To become an architect, one must be taught via schooling then internship.  That, combined with the assumed extensive knowledge relative to building construction, go hand in hand.  But first & foremost, the individual must be a built-environment aficionado.  Otherwise, there's no zeal to motivate / discipline the man through the maturation process of learning.  

It's an arduous process that's not for the faint of heart.  Requiring time, dedication and a willingness to develop one's own rudimentary beliefs / narrative (ability to see) whilst embracing the high standards of qualified architectural design. 

------------------------- 

Where are plenty of men who've mastered their sexuality / sexual narrative, therefore what exactly should they be doing for the young men within the church / Christian circles who're secret sexual aficionados - perhaps as they too may be?

How do these young sexual aficionados reveal themselves to potential trusted mentors who've clearly mastered their sexuality / sexual narrative?

What exactly does that mentorship look like between this older and younger man?  How much of it is executed via example / posture versus specific instruction?

-------------------------

At our church, besides the youth pastor, there's typically both a male and female youth intern.  Think of these co-ed interns as assistant youth pastors.  One of our recent (he's since moved away / out of that position) male youth interns took two teenage brothers under his noble wing.  These young men came from a less than ideal familial setup, but both of them were respectfully close (to each other) in line with their dedication to our church's youth program.  Independent, confident, physically impressive, demure.  These were all descriptors perfectly suited to these young men. 

Because of these boys' unconventional family setup combined with their undeniable masculine (stoic combined with physical) presence, engaging with them could be intimidating.  Particularly considering how fiercely protective they were relative to their out-of-the-ordinary household roots. 

But this male youth intern was as equally masculine / physically impressive, and therefore not in the least dissuaded from putting in the effort needed to befriend these young men.  In fact, the running joke within the youth group was this intern could easily win the role for the next silver screen version of the renowned X-men, Wolverine (Hugh Jackman's breakout role).

So, what are the odds that one of these brothers is a sex aficionado like you and I are?  What are the odds both are, particularly considering the stress placed on them via their aforementioned unconventional familial setup?

I'd say they're pretty good odds.

The most heartfelt development regarding this tale is how this mentorship / big brother role that our church's youth intern bravely embraced ultimately wielded a romance.  A romance between (the next) Wolverine and the two brothers' older sister (she's in college).

During our Christmas Eve service, I could see (from the choir loft) Wolverine seated on the end of the pew next to his lovely significant other (the brothers' sister).  Then there was mom and dad and finally, the two brothers, on the opposite end.

It made my heart swell.

The notion that this powerfully influential mentor could potentially become these two boys' brother-in-law literally took my breath away.  How cool is that?

Most of us didn't have the experience I've described here.  No youth intern (or otherwise) mentor to come alongside us sexuality aficionados.  Nevertheless, read on.

Lagniappe

How Do You Know If You've Earned Another Man's (Samson Or Otherwise) Respect?

When men begin sharing intimately regarding their passions, you've earned their respect.  And this is particularly true when their passions DO NOT ALIGN WITH YOUR OWN.  

Why is this relational development such the bellwether?  

When a man loops in another to something HE KNOWS his friend isn't necessarily interested in, he's increasingly risking rejection (to some degree or another) by doing so.  There is nothing men fear more than rejection from other men.  As such, risking that with someone he's very much not wanting to ward off, implies that trust is concretizing between the two men.

-------------------------

It was right around this time of year in 2015 that I acquired my first Silas.  Not long afterwards, he had my family over for a New Year's dinner party.  I remember this so vividly because my father-in-law had passed away not long before (the previous month), and though I wasn't at all close to this man, my wife certainly had been.  As such, she was still in an emotional fog.  Regardless, she did her darndest to be present / interested, but overall, she did not care to participate therein relative to this exciting (MY FIRST SILAS!) time for Rob.  

Why was this (dinner party) a big reveal for my Silas?  

He had an outrageously large family (I, of course, knew this going in, but seeing is believing).  So large, in fact, that there was great risk that we would react (understandably) in a way that was obviously uncomfortable / stigmatizing to all of / in front of them.  But we did not.  Instead, we had a lovely time, and from there, his trust / comfort level in me grew exponentially.

-------------------------

 

A year or so after this, I became a Silas to a much younger man who'd been so brave to seek professional help for his ongoing struggle with chronic Internet porn consumption.  This fortunately had led him to our in-person Samson Society group.  

Eventually, he and I both began attending a spin-off face-to-face Samson group, and in tandem with that routine, each Sunday afternoon, in advance of this meeting, we'd rendezvous at a local restaurant in order to hang-out.  

At this time, I was busy studying for Securities licensing exams.  Therefore, I'd often situate myself at this eatery well in advance of his scheduled arrival (in order to study).  

But it was this regularly scheduled hanging out that he no doubt loved.  It taught me that there's truly an art to hanging out (even as an adult).  

-------------------------

Pursuing a position of church leadership was another Samson guy's present passion.  We talked extensively about whether he rightly should be qualified therein.  From there, he submitted himself to the process of being examined before (or maybe after) being formally elected by the congregation.  I learned a tremendous amount about what it meant to be Presbyterian even though he attended a Baptist church. 

-------------------------

Tattoos for some guys, particularly law enforcement types, are integral to their identity as masculine men.  I served as a Silas to a Samson guy who immediately made this crystal clear to Rob.  He would talk about not just the designs themselves but when and where and how (experientally) he received the inking.  And it was the latter that was truly sacred to this man.  For those experiences were tactile, supercharging the intimacy involved during the hours and hours it took for them to be executed.  In turn, this made these designs precious in his eyes.  

Photos that he would text to me of men who were inked were respectfully received.  For though I'd no real interest in tattoos, I learned so much about him via the sacredness of this portion of his identity as an officer of the law.

-------------------------

I'm a teetotaler, but I drank my fair share of craft beers whilst serving as another man's Silas.  He knew and appreciated craft beers to the degree that I do automobiles (which is fairly extensively).  To him, craft beer represented the ultimate in an uber-cool, relaxing, refreshing beverage.  Nonetheless, I never could successfully down an entire container, but I never once struggled swallowing - my very intentional gulps of - what tasted (to me) like burnt water.

-------------------------

Never in a million years would I have imagined the opportunity to tangibly support my officiating Silas.  Whether it was a single or double-header, I'd stay to watch him make calls relative to the high school / community college baseball teams competing.  He even once officiated in the Mississippi Braves stadium (good times!).  This same Samson guy introduced me to CrossFit, even allowing me to accompany him to a CrossFit competition in South MS during the heart of the pandemic.  I took the opportunity to take a number of crappy photos of he and his partner competing well, enjoying my time outright all the way up 'till their team were declared the victors. 

-------------------------

Whether it's music, sports, fitness, booze, hunting / fishing, inked body parts, writing (poetry, essays), and on and on, all of these passions may very well qualify relative to the complicated makeup of your friend.

If you're smart, you'll recognize the opportunity when it's presented via respectfully embracing this portion of your friend at face value by asking curiously about its personal origins.  From there, attempt to insert yourself therein as a means to tangibly support this powerful identifier.  Respect will then begin to deeply take root.  Trust me, it never fails.

Hone In On Their Masculinity

"When I work out hard at the gym, it makes me want to work out harder the next day.  I do this in order to get stronger." 

Spending time with my aforementioned Samson brother at the 2023 National Retreat was a major highlight.  He was thoughtful to seek me out immediately after arriving, and from there, we simply enjoyed breathing the same air throughout the weekend.

So much of our lives had previously been discussed, therefore knowing how special it was to simple BE TOGETHER, we seized the day(s) (with very little chitchat).

Though we'd shared photos, I wasn't certain as to just how athletically built he'd actually be.  

Keep in mind that the quote at the top of this post set the bar (expectation) for me.  He stated that early on into our friendship when I inquired of him regarding his relationship to physical fitness.  

-------------------------

For me, visual masculinity equates to athleticism, and I believe this is the case for most folks.  I know, at times, facial hair takes the top spot relative to this, but for Rob, it's men existing in bodies that are honed to perform athletically.  A very close second to that is a quiet spirit. 

Unsurprisingly, my aforementioned Samson friend cited Sky Ranch's "Activity Center" (gymnasium) and how he and some other Samson guys had utilized it to compete athletically (during free time).

-------------------------

Now that almost two weeks have passed since the retreat, I would be remiss to not mention how okay I am regarding our (once again) physical separation.  Why?

Moments with masculine men (especially so regarding close friends) carry such weight with me that they're like Rob being gifted a parachute whilst watching life's fuel gauge slowly descend.  And the chute isn't to descend me to the ground, but to make my way safely to the next plane.  

Hence, as of right now, I'm simply parachuting.  Slowly.  Deliberately.  Observing my surroundings unencumbered (out of doors) with eyes wide open.  

It's thrilling but also thought provoking as I make my way to my next flight, riding the columns of air throughout.  For I'm reminded that I no longer despise the fact that I'm not that guy.  Instead, I allow the friendship to bear the weight of my need towards identifiable yet quiet strength, repose and resolve.  For friendship is enough of a solution for Rob.  It's closeness, in particular, buttresses me where I'm weakest.     

Husband Material?

This past weekend, Angie and I were working out at our local, crappy YMCA, and within minutes of us moseying in, a middle-aged guy introduced himself to me, all smiley and exuberant-like.  Because strength training (if it's done correctly) involves physical pain, it's unusual to encounter folks therein who're in such high spirits.

This energized exerciser recognized me, but not my bride, yet he couldn't quite put his finger on how he knew me (I came to find this out later).  From there, he actually encouraged me to chat with him during my workout routine, but alas, he soon discovered that he'd picked the wrong gym guy for that.  

An hour or so passed, and from there, Angie brought me up to speed regarding this dude.  For he'd eventually introduced himself to her too, and she immediately recognized him as one of our neighbors.  One of our recently married neighbors.  Who'd just happened to betroth another man.  

-------------------------

Back in late December of '22, I reached out to a Samson dude (via Slack) who'd been in a breakout room with me during a virtual Samson Society meeting.  My follow-up request was to hear his story, and in order to instill some trust, I decided to divulge mine first (along with a link to this blog).  I was grateful that this allowed me to gain his trust.  He quickly followed suit, and within a few weeks, we were off and running with our friendship (rarely, if ever, did we see each other within virtual Samson meetings on down the road).

For the next six months, he and chatted consistently once a week.  And when I say chatted, these were thoughtful exchanges with absolutely zero frivolities.  This guy's voice is one that's overall, truly a pleasure to listen to.  And that's a result of standalone speaking skill, region of the country he was reared within (dialect) and - most importantly - intelligence.  

And when I say intelligence, I'm referring to strong intelligence.  

Yet, his persona is demure.  Almost to the point of being bashful.  Nonetheless, there's a whole lot about him that I am absolutely drawn to.  At least taking into consideration the portion of this Samson brother that I know, constraints notwithstanding.

This man was at the '22 National Samson Retreat, but I didn't know him then.  Nor did I have the opportunity to meet him.

-------------------------

22-23 years ago, I was already on the hunt for "group therapy / help" in whatever form I could find it locally.  Back then, my primary issue was loneliness stemming from the shame / confusion surrounding my homosexual desires.  This loneliness, I feared, might eventually drive me to cheat on my newish wife (Angie).  Hence, I somehow caught wind of a local Methodist Church that had a "group" for "guys like me" (whatever that meant), and I attended after speaking over the telephone with one the church pastors who reflexively referred me to one of its regular attendees.

The group was a "Sex Addicts Anonymous" gathering, and every man that regularly attended (the same few meetings I attended) thoroughly creeped me out.  Some of the things they shared during those hour-long meetings were so far beyond my comprehension relative to my mundane existence that I felt as if I literally had landed on another planet.  It didn't help matters that most of these men weren't at all close to my age.

But the original guy (who was just a few years older than I) who'd been my initial SA point-of-contact had been super friendly and accommodating.  And he too experienced strong homosexual tendencies (& had been reared in MS).  Therefore, we made a point to meet outside of the SA troupe in order to fill each other in on our individual stories.  

It was obvious from the beginning of our friendship that this man was entertaining the idea of somehow moving our relationship from the platonic to the romantic.  And it wasn't necessarily due to any overt attraction to Rob.  Instead, I believe he was solely looking to conveniently "scratch an itch".  But I was married and couldn't relate to his itch.  As a result of this, I began to slowly back pedal.  

What made the most distinct impression on me regarding this experience was how out of place I felt at the end of the day.  

-------------------------

Yesterday morning, I received a call from my demure, highly intelligent Samson brother confirming his intention to attend next weekend's '23 National Samson Society retreat.  In spite of his low-key demeanor, I could tell he was excited to be relaying this to me whilst confirming (yet again) my intentions to also attend.

I'll be honest with you, dear reader, I'm just as excited to finally meet him.  

But mostly, I simply want to be present for him.  For this will be my sixth National SS retreat.  For me, they're routine.  For him, not so much, since it's only his second.  

In closing, I'm hopeful this physical coming together will serve our friendship well relative to confirming our mutual trust in each other.  For trust between men is a true gift.  Plus, this dude's just so freaking cool headed.  What fun it will be to see if he'll actually let his guard down as he so readily did when we were telephoning regularly.

Answer: I'm Content With The Status Quo. My Recovery Is Going Just Fine. As Such, I'm Not Interested In Retreating.

Here's the 2023 Samson Summit (10th anniversary of National Samson Society retreats!) itinerary / workshop breakdown:  

The Summit Schedule

On Property Activities Schedule of Availability: Tree Top Towers: 9 am - 12 pm and 1-3:20 pm Ziplines & Hatchet Throwing: 9 am - 12 pm and 3:40-6 pm Canoes & Giant Swing: 1-6 pm

Workshop Descriptions

WORKSHOP OPPORTUNITIES: SESSION ONE Processing Spiritual Abuse with Chris Inman If you’ve ever felt that you were a bad person in your spiritual life, then this breakout group is for you. Join us as we address many of the shaming aspects intertwined in religion. We will root out these lies while sharing an experience of God’s unconditional love and acceptance. In doing so you will see how to disempower much of your addictive struggle and take a great leap forward your recovery journey. Curious and Compassion: An IFS Approach to Addiction and Trauma with Don Williams Internal Family Systems (IFS) recognizes that as men created in the image and likeness of God (Imago Dei Self), we have parts that try to protect us from trauma and unwanted feelings. Instead of treating our addictive impulse as the enemy, we can learn to access Self so we can get to know the addictive part from a place of curiosity and compassion. Join us to learn how these parts make you whole and lead to healing. Rebuilding Marital Intimacy Through FANOS with Jim Ozgunduz It is very difficult to heal a marriage after betrayal. FANOS is a tool that has helped build trust by providing my wife and I a way to be vulnerable with one another. I am grateful for the opportunity to share how this tool can help you. Finding the "Why" In You Recovery with Patrick Peters Do you know why you're leaning into recovery?  Not why anyone else says you should, but why you want to do all this work?  Starting from Simon Sinek's "Start With Why" (the 3rd most popular Ted Talk of all time), we'll adapt those principles to recovery. Divorce, Recovery, Singleness and the Desire for someone to Play with Your Penis with Aaron Porter and Mark Shelley Recovery is challenging enough on its own, but what happens when you add in divorce and being single again? How do you navigate things like doing recovery just for you? Or dating and recovery?  Join us to share some stories and hopefully a bit of wisdom. WORKSHOP OPPORTUNITIES: SESSION TWO Complex Trauma and the Origin of Unwanted Behaviors: How What Happens Before Your 21st Birthday Sets You Up to Struggle and How to Get Your Life Back with Scott Cone This engaging and fast-past workshop will teach you about attunement, affect regulation and attachment…the three developmental A’s…and why these are so critical to to the formation of our minds, identities and relationships; what happens to us when these needs aren’t met and how this sets us up for turning to unwanted behaviors; and, walk you through practical strategies, processes and tools designed to help you heal the effects of trauma and recovery your authentic self. From Victim to Ownership - What does ‘Do the Work’ actually mean?” with Scott Tomlin Moving from understanding to application. Scott will discuss his journey and how he has made application to his daily routine, which has provided safety and healing for him and the primary relationships in his life. Processing Spiritual Abuse with Chris Inman If you’ve ever felt that you were a bad person in your spiritual life, then this breakout group is for you. Join us as we address many of the shaming aspects intertwined in religion. We will root out these lies while sharing an experience of God’s unconditional love and acceptance. In doing so you will see how to disempower much of your addictive struggle and take a great leap forward your recovery journey. Process Addiction" or Distress Reduction Behavior - Understanding the Differences and Why it's Important with Roane Hunter Process addictions are not the same as substance addictions. While substance addictions involve the use of drugs or alcohol, process addictions involve compulsive behaviors in the areas of sexual compulsivity, eating disorders, money (gambling/shopping), technology (iPhones, gaming, social media), reactive aggression, and reactive avoidance.  These behaviors have been labeled "process addictions" when, in reality, they are emotional distress reduction behaviors.   Addiction to a chemical substance has life-threatening physiological effects as opposed to distress reduction behaviors that produce negative psychological effects. The reactive avoidance trauma model is a theory of how trauma can lead to the development of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The model proposes that when a person experiences a traumatic event, they learn to associate the event with danger and threat. This association leads to the development of a fear response, which can manifest as avoidance behaviors, hyperarousal (anxiety), and intrusive (unwanted) thoughts. This workshop will help you understand the difference between addiction (chemical) and distress reduction behavior (emotional).  We will examine the roots of how reactive avoidance is based in emotional dysregulation, disattunement, and impaired attachment. Understanding Shame: We'll delve into the intricate layers of shame, its origins, and its impact on the recovery process with Roe Hunter Participants will gain valuable insights into recognizing and addressing shame in their lives. Building Resilience: Discover practical strategies to develop resilience in the face of shame and judgment. Through self-compassion and self-awareness exercises, you'll learn how to cultivate a resilient mindset. Distress Tolerance Techniques: Addiction recovery often brings about intense emotional distress. This workshop will equip you with effective distress tolerance skills to manage cravings, triggers, and challenging emotions without resorting to problematic behaviors. Group Support: Connect with others who share similar experiences in a safe and supportive environment. Share your challenges and triumphs, and draw strength from the collective wisdom of the group. Mindfulness and Self-Care: Learn mindfulness practices and self-care routines that promote emotional balance and enhance overall well-being. Discover how these techniques can be integrated into your daily life. Setting Realistic Goals: Explore goal-setting strategies that align with your values and recovery journey. Create a roadmap for your future with confidence and clarity. Interactive Activities: Engage in interactive exercises, role-playing, and group discussions to reinforce your understanding and application of shame resilience and distress tolerance concepts. Personalized Action Plan: Leave the workshop with a personalized action plan tailored to your unique recovery needs, helping you implement what you've learned in your everyday life. Whether you're in the early stages of recovery or seeking to strengthen your resilience along the way, "Embracing Resilience" is designed to support and inspire you. Reclaim your life, heal from shame, and develop the skills to tolerate distress without turning to addiction. Join us for this empowering workshop and take a significant step toward a brighter, healthier future in recovery.

Copyright (C) 2023 Samson House. All rights reserved. -------------------------- Question:  Why aren't more Samson Society guys from Mississippi attending the 2023 Samson Summit in Van, TX?   (Bless our hearts.) Lagniappe More lagniappe

Give Yourself Credit Where Credit's Due / Look Towards The Future

The first Samson Society National Retreat I attended was during the fall of 2017 (I believe it was the first weekend of November).  The venue was a Tennessee state park smack dab in the middle of the Volunteer State.  The weather was perfect that weekend.  I vividly recall the fall foliage being spectacular.

The (earlier in 2017) email invitation which touted this retreat described it initially as a Samson Society meeting facilitators' retreat.  And it's important to note that back then, there were no virtual Samson Society meetings.  Every meeting across the country was face-to-face.

As the date for this 2017 retreat loomed closer, the description of said retreat changed.  What started out as a Samson facilitators' retreat morphed into a Samson Society retreat (come one, come all).  

I recall my Silas and I (who'd already signed up for the retreat) being disappointed therein.  For we were both fledglings facilitating face-to-face meetings at our respective church homes.  

-------------------------

One week prior to our departure, there were three of us Jackson, MS Samson guys signed up to go (the plan was to carpool in one man's SUV), but at the very last minute, my Silas convinced one other longstanding / tenured Jackson, Mississippi Samson man to come too.  At this time, this man was having tremendous difficulties relative to his recovery, therefore my Silas, being the sympathetic man he was, felt compelled to pressure him to take this step / deep dive (as a last resort). 

This upended my plans to spend some quality time with my Silas during said 2017 retreat, and frankly, that greatly disappointed me.  For this fourth man would now be(come) the focus throughout the weekend.  I realize that sounds petty, but I honestly felt as if I was dealt an unfair hand regarding.  

-------------------------

The Tennessee state park where the retreat was hosted had a motel attached to it.  Hence, these were our accommodations.  Overall, from what I recall, there were around 50 - 75 Samson guys at this retreat, and those who'd come some distance (as we had) stayed on site two-men to a motel room. 

I begrudgingly agreed to room with our Samson retreat straggler in lieu of my Silas.  And it was this lodging arrangement where the problems for me were centered.

This struggling Samson guy (fourth man) was an expat from Central America.  He'd lived in Mississippi most of his life but had family and numerous mistresses back in his native land.  In anticipation of his scheduled return to his home country (not long after this retreat). he was in the throes of sexting these mistresses in anticipation of his homecoming.  

I was privy to all this due to me inquiring as to why he was constantly using his pocket computer while we were there together (& otherwise) within our assigned motel room.  

I vividly recall wanting to vomit numerous times throughout the weekend as I worked hard to ignore his shenanigans.  

Keep in mind that my wife and I had dined with he and his wife 3-6 months prior to this retreat (they were 8-10 years older than us), therefore we'd had the opportunity to get to know his native Mississippi bride then (he was estranged from their grown children due to his serial adultery).  

-------------------------

As you can imagine, I had to make the best of a really horrible situation.  As such, it tainted my outlook / turned the tables on my hopes for this initial National Samson Retreat experience.  It's important to note that I hardly even spoke to my Silas throughout this weekend (I was extremely pissed at him).

Like every Samson National Retreat I've attended, this 2017 retreat was no different in that it consisted of loads of free time.  Hence, due to my motel roommate's ongoing wretched behavior, I made a point to find any feasible excuse to vacate our shared space. 

One benefit of this venue (Tennessee State Park) was its proximity to a public golf course (right across the highway).  I recall heading over there numerous times to run the golf cart paths (thanks be to God I brought my running shoes).  Again, the weather was absolutely perfect for being out of doors during this particular weekend.

-------------------------

After this 2017 retreat concluded, none of the other three Samson men attended another Samson National Retreat (except one guy in 2021 but only because he was asked to lead a workshop).   

Yet, I soldiered on by attending in 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, & 2022.  

Why?

In 2018, the venue changed (Methodist Retreat Center in Eva, TN), and that really was the deciding factor in motivating me to attend once again.  Two, I knew I'd not be a newbie going forward.  And three, our Jackson, Mississippi expat Samson colleague vanished immediately following the 2017 retreat.

-------------------------

Many of you have had less than ideal Samson National Retreat experiences, and as such, refuse to even consider a return.

That being the case, please know that EVERY SAMSON SOCIETY NATIONAL RETREAT WHICH SUCCEEDED THE 2017 WAS FAR MORE ENJOYABLE FOR ROB.  

Give yourself credit where credit's due.  If you're like me, you made the initial attempt.  That says a lot.  But if your initial retreat experience didn't live up to your expectations, don't allow that to give you credence to write off future opportunities.  So many variables exist that are completely out of our control regarding these weekends.  Be open-minded.  Take another step forward, and please join us at the 2023 Samson Society National Retreat in Van, Texas (brand new venue!).  Who knows, this year's retreat may be an absolutely life-changing experience for you.  

Communication (Within Samson Society) Is A Key To Success

Saturday, (10/7) is slated to be the day Mr. Nate Larkin hosts the second official "Samson Society Meeting Host Training" via Zoom.  The first one occurred back in February of this year.  Throughout all my years of involvement within Samson Society (since August 2014), there's been nada training for meeting hosts.  Hence, this is a surprising, very exciting change that's immensely helpful to all of us involved.

Digital communications really took off within Samson Society in April of 2018 with the launch of the monthly emailed publication, "The No Bull Briefing".  This is an easy to read, snapshot newsletter that captures / informs really well.

But as of late, digital communications have been much more repetitious (there's been numerous emailed robo-emails touting the forthcoming 2023 National Samson Society Retreat).  These are all unique, fresh splash announcements that are eye-catching / engaging.  

Communication is a key to success.

-------------------------

A summarization of Samson Society resources (w/ hyperlinks):

Sustaining Member Sign Up:

https://www.samsonhouse.org/member-registration

Sustaining Member Sign Up Password: NoBullBrotherhood

Giving:

https://samsonsociety.com/help-us-reach-more-men/

Sarah Society:

https://sarahsociety.com/

Samson Store:

https://samsonswag.squarespace.com/

National Retreat 2023:

https://samsonhouse.regfox.com/samson-society-summit-2023

No Bull Briefing and Daily Encouragement Registration:

https://signup.e2ma.net/signup/1891992/1898197/

Pirate Monk Podcast:

https://samsonsociety.podbean.com/

National Suicide Hotline: US: 988 (Call or Text)

Canada: Call 1-866-585-0445 OR Text WELLNESS to 741741

Communication is a key to success.

Sympathizing With That Invisible Man (Let's Not Forget That Every Guy Isn't Necessarily Destined To Become A Samson Guy)

I have become a Samson guy through and through.  How do I know this?

I desire to spread the Samson Society "Good News" to most every new friend I make.

Even if they're not foreseeably "qualified" (in crisis) to be involved within this community.  

And that's a problem (relative to my friendship track record) because it proves I'm not being sensitive to my friend's needs / wiring.  Instead, I'm behaving more like that pyramid-scheme zealot friend who's looking to make a quick buck.

-------------------------

"Hi, I'm Rob, and I'm a freak.  I actually lost my dream job as a campus architect (back in 2013) by breaking the institution's IT policy (looking at gay porn online / oversharing on my personal blog)."  

Yikes.  No thanks.  There must be a better way to respectably making an intro relative to my story.

-------------------------

I'm working to streamline my testimony sans mentioning some of those details.  

Here it goes:

Invisibility has been a place (mindset) I learned to become comfortable within early on in life.  Being a covert mistake (illegitimate child) forced my teenage parents to survive (monetarily, relationally, emotionally) relative to the burden of responsibility / demands my very existence placed on our (almost overnight) 3-person family.

I had to have instinctively (subconsciously) known too that our survival stats would increase if I cooperated (obediently stayed out of the way).  Hence, as an outgrowth of that, I learned early on to inject humor into every feasible though often tense situation.  As such, I naturally became that kid who submerged himself into all manner of fantasy in order to garner that much more creative inspiration therein whilst also seeking escape from a "long shot survival" familial setup.  

All the while, my true feelings were locked away as I manifested my dramatic antics for most any audience available to me.  And this was fun to do due to the fact that I garnered laughs / support therein (I was very humorous).

And then I hit puberty.

From there, my secret weapon (zany antics) became moot as teenage self-consciousness kicked in with a vengeance.  

And this is when the glaring reality of my (up to that point) lifelong invisibility truly reared its head.  As such, idol worship (in the form of lust) which targeted the seemingly "less invisible" (peers, teachers, pastors, and so forth), took root within my psyche at full throttle.  

-------------------------

At this point in my life (early middle school), I had drawn the conclusion that the gospel of Jesus Christ was anchored in the notion of the invisibles being seen.  Accounted for.  Pursued even.  

Moreso than salvation (though it was a very close second), I wanted that kind of clarity with God.  And in line with that, I desperately desired to be lead.  Especially so from the standpoint of someone who I was visible to (inside and out).  

But ultimately, it was me being cognizant of how survival instinct dependent I'd become relative to my idol worship that set me up beautifully to be lassoed in by the gospel.  

And that's exactly what happened to me during the summer prior to my 7th grade year.  Specifically at church camp.  In Mount Lebanon, TX.  Surrounded by close to one hundred other middle / high schoolers from First Baptist Church Jackson who were integrated amongst the throngs of other youth (groups) from all over Texas / the Deep South.

I vividly remember calling Darlene (my mom) from a pay phone, late into the night, post public profession of faith (walking the aisle) there at the camp.  She replied with, "I thought you'd already done that!?!"

-------------------------

Had I not been able to faithfully bank on Jesus' "intimate knowing of Rob" (visibility) throughout middle / high school, all of the loneliness - brought on as a result of both the inarguable invisibleness itself combined with it as a demoralizing identifier - would have been too hard to bear.  

Yet, throughout, I was convinced his hand was consistently working on my behalf.  Hence, it provided hope / optimism towards the future whilst helping me manage this tough season.

As a student, I was fair to middling, but what gave me an edge was my confidence as a vocalist / singing from the platform.  Due to the fact that a sizable part of our (high school) youth ministry experience was tied to (Christian) choral music, I quickly found my place.  Whilst looking back, I believe this was one sizable example of God's providence.

At age 15, I was adamant about owning my own car.  My father insisted I get a job to partially fund said car / car insurance.  The effort in finding a job was laughably minimal, and the rewards therein were off the charts.  And though I worked an awful lot, it kept me busy / focused / taught me how to manage time well.  Plus, whilst working alongside a diverse set of other teens, I quickly learned an awful lot from their choices (both good and not so good).  This was not unlike, what I imagine, having a horde of siblings.  

During my senior year of high school, I applied and gained entrance into architecture school.  From there, music continued to provide a cushion as I also joined the MSU Maroon Band as a freshman.  And though church wasn't a priority whilst living fall / spring in Starkville, MS, I met students who were deeply devout who thankfully too became reliable friends.

Now, my penchant / comfort-level for / with invisibleness ushered me into the most important relational decision of my life.  Marriage.  For my one and only girlfriend, Angie, too dealt with this same phenomenon, but in lieu of skillfully masking it behind self-deprecating humor / sarcasm, she simply allowed her inner situation to reflect outwardly.  And oh, my goodness, was she ever that much more beautifully delicate because of it.  

-------------------------

It didn't take me long to fall in love with her.  From there, I felt compelled to talk to my parents about my idol worship and how it was weighing me down morally / spiritually.  For I'd never addressed that with anyone.  I was so grateful that they pointed me towards therapy that was specific to my issue, and from there, I divulged to Angie.

Now, let me stop here and expound on who I was attempting to be at this time.

As an early 20s young man, I knew I'd matured into an adult and was ready for a steady job / marriage, but I also knew that I was continuing to attempt to manage the fallout from my invisible childhood / teen years in ways that were wreaking havoc on my soul (shame).  Because this was a battle that I fought privately, I optimistically sought out opportunities (post marriage) to find support (mentorship / parachurch men's groups, Christian men's retreats, etc.) amongst Christian brothers.  

Whilst doing so, what I found instead was only more situations which promoted me feeling invisible.  

So, what did I do to cope?

I turned to humor / entertaining once more as I worked reflexively to deflect my true feelings in order to survive (plus, there were bills to pay, a marriage to support, career demands).

Unfortunately though, as a result, I eventually lost the ability to see any of my self.  Instead, if I chose to look inwards, I only could see a void.  Hence, in many ways, I became detached from my moorings due to the fact that I had no idea where I truly existed within the rank & file of men.

-------------------------

When the Internet came on the scene, Angie and I had only been married for a few years.  We were actively involved in church / a young married Sunday School class, and Angie was just beginning to emerge from a 2-year struggle with general anxiety disorder (thanks be to God for her wonderful therapist).  

For me, the Internet immediately represented an opportunity to take my idol worship to new heights.  As such, I knew not where else to turn but my sweet wife for help.

And she did until eventually, the availability of the Internet became ubiquitous.  Being too hard to hide from, I succumbed habitually.

-------------------------

At this point, I found myself in a technology-focused culture that I loathed due to how powerless / even more invisible it made me feel.  I instinctively shunned involvement within mainstream tech trends (social media), but Internet porn had a vise grip on me that I simply could not loosen alone.

But then there was a significant turning point in the form of a friend.

My first truly authentic (vulnerable) Christian friend proved to me that relational accountability was far more potent than the allure of my "digital fix".  This younger man came into my life in 2010.  I was in my late 30s at the time, and he was four years younger.  We both had small children, both loved Jesus, but were both in the aforementioned digital vice grip.

Up until early 2012, he and I were as close as brothers.  As such, we met weekly, savoring every moment of our time together.

Later on that same year, I was presented with the opportunity to uproot my family and move to small town Mississippi in order to take an administrative position at a university.  Naively, I believed I'd find friendship there as I'd just experienced back home.

When that didn't occur, the vise grip returned with a vengeance.  In response, I cried out for help online (oversharing on my personal blog).  Help didn't come.  Instead, judgement and demonization were doled out unremittently via my now employer.  There was nothing left of me after this occurred.  At this point within my life, my feelings of invisibleness reached paralyzing new heights.

-------------------------

As a result of this rejection / termination, I developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  This lasted +/-18 months with me having to endure flashbacks of my firing at least once daily.  Our young family returned to the Jackson Metro immediately following my job loss, and from there, I began working for my parents (October of 2013).  

I cannot begin to describe how blatantly unseen I felt at this point in time.  As such, I fell into a deep depression which fostered suicidal thoughts.  The emotional pain I was experiencing was suffocating me.  As such, I simply wanted it to stop by any means possible.  

After complaining about this to my sweet wife, she encouraged me to dialogue similarly with my dad.  From there, he triangulated me into a relationship with a local renowned counselor, Mr. Don Waller.  

This was August of 2014.

Unbeknownst to me, Don had been facilitating the first Jackson, Mississippi Samson Society group for close to one year.  After meeting with him one-on-one, he encouraged me to attend the very next week.

That first Samson Society meeting was the hardest to walk into.  There were 8-9 local men in attendance, each with various backgrounds / from different stages of life.  Afterwards, and I'll likely never forget this, we attended a Mississippi Braves baseball game together.  It was the most fun I'd had in close to one year.

What I discovered through the Samson Society was communal visibility unlike anything I'd experienced prior.  Hence, I stuck with attending this weekly meeting combined with going to each and every after-meeting.  From there, I attended my first localized Samson intensive during the summer of 2015.  Additional intensives followed in 2016 and 2017.  Not long after that, I even organized my own intensive for a handful of Samson guys to experience (February of 2018).

The National Samson Society retreat too became part of my pursuit to be seen.  I began attending those annual events in 2018.  

Throughout all of this, I watched as the local Jackson, Mississippi Samson Society expanded as Samson guys felt compelled to start their own groups throughout the Metro.  

Surprisingly (to myself), I segued to virtual Samson meetings in late 2021, having met some of the virtual meeting facilitators via my attending of the National Retreats.  

In closing, for Rob, ultimately, it's about being seen.  Starting and maintaining this blog corresponds with that pursuit.  As such, writing has been a huge part of my recovery.

To God be the glory, great things he hath done via Samson Society!  I am truly zealous regarding this fantastic lifeline.