Self-Deprecating Deja Vu

I was offended today whilst listening to an old Samson friend (around my age) dialogue with a new friend (not at all around my age) for how indirectly re-traumatic his approach to this conversation irritated, angered, short-circuited my peaceful, mundane drive into work.

So much so that I sent an email that I'm now not quite sure what to think of (especially as it relates to the reply I received).

For through that listening session, I felt a myriad of negative emotions related to my confusion over expectations.  Expectations as they pertain to middle-aged, tenured, veteran Samson guys like me.  

The best thing that's come out of this (so far) was that email that I penned.  For I sent it to my hero.  And had I not had that emotional response earlier in the day, the email would have never been drafted / sent detailing my mid-October trauma (which has been hidden away up to this point in time).  

God works in mysterious ways.  Using some of the most unexpected tools to unearth past pain.  Thanks be to God.

Recommended Reading

 Fatherhood for Imperfect Dads | Desiring God

Photography Of Naked People. That's An Entirely Different (Read: Much More Captivating) Thing Than Naked People.

And interesting read:  Bradley Cooper, Benedict Cumberbatch and the Golden Age of Nude Men - WSJ

The School of Architecture, back in the early '90s, had a photography studio within the building.  It was staffed by a dedicated faculty member who - as far as I know - oversaw its operation exclusively.  We students were encouraged to have our models / drawings photographed at least annually in order to "build our academic portfolio".  From there, that portfolio would then represent our skillset as we looked to land a job post Mississippi State University.

When I was a third-year student, I was assigned to a small group of exceedingly creative peers, and we decided to execute our mundane site analysis project (which had been assigned to us) via an over-the-top Avant Garde video presentation.  One of the students within my group did have a laptop (a rare find back then) with an early version of Photoshop on it, but none of us had a video camera.  Therefore, we sought to "check one out" of the school's photo studio.  

Our group had a blast filming / editing / presenting our project.  The end result was extremely unique.  And for the most part, I ended up being the cameraman throughout its production.  This was my first foray relative to using a video camera, and as a result of this, my curiosity definitely peaked as I thought through what I potentially could do with said video camera in my spare time.

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I had the good fortune to backpack throughout Europe during the summer of 1994.  I was with a group of mostly architecture students, all young men from MSU.  As such, we visited most every architecturally relevant site we could throughout the eleven countries we visited during those two months.  Antiquity is on prominent display throughout Europe.  As such, commissioned sculptures are displayed throughout, much of it depicting prominent historical - Biblical / mythological figures, etc.    

One thing that you notice within the ubiquity of this 3-D art is that full / semi-nudity isn't / wasn't / hasn't been out of the ordinary for Europe.  

Hence, there are plenty of breasts, vaginas, and penis / testicles beautifully rendered (usually in stone).  And these figures' physical features no doubt add to the overall aesthetic.  They're striking yet not at all salacious.

In line with this general observation was my distinct first encounter with this European norm.  I've no doubt their culture of "reduced / zero shame" crystallized within my mind just a few minutes after disembarking from our flight into Paris.  As such, throughout the airport there were supersized print ads featuring semi-nude models, and these were on display prominently.  Over and over again.  

Being an American reared in Mississippi, I'd seen very few images of women revealing their breasts.  Hence, I remember instantly feeling exceedingly uncomfortable whilst encountering these very normalized images.  Shameful really.

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Growing up as an only child, I had no brothers - either younger or older - to grow up alongside.  Hence, there was no 24/7/365 familial measuring stick for me to associate with / compare myself to.  Too, I was not at all an athletic boy.  Therefore, locker room / gang shower experiences weren't ever part of my narrative (which I was very much thankful for).  

Hence, when I did have a handful of isolated changing room experiences during my early teenage years, the end result unfortunately was me coming away feeling exceedingly less than my peers.  So much so in fact that I only sought further to loathe my physical self (in contrast to what I considered my masculine ideal).  And this wasn't as a result of how I was treated / perceived / adjudicated by my peers within that changing room setting.  It wasn't that at all.  Every bit of this devastating shame was internalized.

It was as if someone's intent was to eradicate any semblance of self-dignity that should have taken root as expected.

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What I didn't realize as an adolescent (nor understood how to respond positively to) was how starved I was to make peace with my masculine - physical self.  Hence, photography of semi-nude male models did make one clear cut statement to me.  And that was that these individuals were where I wanted to be.  Yes too, I enjoyed the salaciousness behind many of these images, but deep down, I saw people who'd decisively understood their intrinsic physical value.  Or at least I thought I had. 

Now of course, regarding photography, this was all a ruse.  But I didn't understand how photography (especially photographic imagery) really worked, nor what much of its true intent was.  My ignorance was truly being taken advantage of (mostly by Satan).

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Now let me circle back to those private ideas I dreamed up whilst serving as the cameraman for my fun-filled, overly creative site analysis (architecture school) project.

Filming oneself masturbating was no doubt really intriguing to Rob and having an empty dorm room to do so in (combined with access to a video camera) sealed the deal.

The funny part of this story is what I decided to lubricate my toolset with as I was "performing" within my first solo video. 

Dishwashing liquid (Joy, Dawn, Palmolive) ARE NOT choice lubricants for self-pleasure.  But I didn't know this until firsthand (sorry) experience.  Yes, there was certainly enough viscosity provided coupled with a very pleasant fragrance, but dishwashing liquid is designed to clean dirty dishes.  Really dirty dishes.  Dishes that have burnt food clinging to them from last night's dinner party.  

Therefore, when you apply said liquid to bare skin, particularly very sensitive, very elastic skin (like your genitalia) and rub it in for 10-15 minutes (sans water), the end result is going to be bad.  Really scary - I'm never going to be able to reproduce - bad.  Like so bad that you're convinced that your junk isn't going to pull (sorry) through.

The lesson here is DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME.

Nevertheless, Rob learned a boatload about what photographic imagery truly represents via this humorous DIY encounter with his own ignorance.

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When lust occurs relative to a photo / video, you're lusting after light.  Do you realize this?

      

And it's light that's professionally manipulated.  With an intent.  And that intent, if the photographic imagery is successful, can really mess with / impress upon your mind.  And this is especially true if you're a child.  For children have no clue as to just how expertly that light has been manipulated relative to its intent.  Therefore, they are sitting ducks.

With the advent of digital photography, the ubiquity of much malicious intent has perpetuated some serious mental health issues amongst both young people and the young at heart.  For they seemingly cannot remove themselves from the light.  They're puppets.  Consistently not at peace.  Enslaved to something they do not understand that they're constantly bombarded / faced with.

Educate yourself.  Unpack how you yourself came to be so transfixed by light.  And then go spend a lengthy period of time in the locker room (within reason), at the pool, on the beach.  Put on some dark sunglasses, take off your shirt, and be mindful of your place there amongst the semi-nude (or perhaps completely nude if you're not in America) throngs.  

Light isn't real.  Its intent cannot be trusted.  Learn from your mistakes.  You're no longer a boy.  Refuse to be manipulated any longer.  

Pray / Think Fervently Before Choosing To Expand Your Relational Circle (Against The Wishes Of Your Silas)

I began serving as a Silas for the first time back in 2010, and this very Samson Society-like friendship lasted through early 2012.  Likewise, the man I was serving, also served as my Silas.  This relationship came to fruition like so many do within the Samson Society of today.  It was based on intense need spurred on by crisis.

At this time, neither of us men (I was in my late 30s and my Silas six years younger) had any inkling of the Samson Society.  In fact, I'd never even heard the term "porn addict" 'till my new friend labeled himself as such over a routine lunch.  From there, I revealed my struggles with homosexual desires coupled with gay porn.  It made for a sobering / very unique moment for both of us as we naively (& now somewhat nakedly) stepped forward together.

There was a relational lull (downtime / cooling off) immediately following this conversation (2-3 months) before our friendship kicked into high gear.  And this occurred once my new "porn addict" friend found himself on vocational "probation" at your church.

And this probation stemmed from him being on staff as our youth pastor (which was his exact title).

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As each other's Silases, Chris and I met once a week on Tuesday nights in my garage.  Our routine during these evenings consisted of us running a few miles close to my 'hood before chatting / praying (either in my garage or on my patio).  These meetings were usually no more than 90 minutes, but each encounter was deeply affecting as we quickly began benefiting from relational accountability.  During this time, Chris' probation (vocation at our church) was lifted for which we were both very relieved to see.

Here's an excerpt from a letter I wrote Chris back in 2018 (I hadn't communicated with him for over six years when this was penned):

"I’m writing to thank you for showing me firsthand just how effective being in community truly is for Rob relative to sanctification and personal growth. The friendship that we had while you were youth pastor at Lakeside represented a period of time for me that literally changed my way of thinking as it pertains to what men can and should be doing for each other as brothers in Christ. In fact, I would go so far as to say without a shadow of a doubt that my memory of our kind of friendship represents to me today my most cherished long-term goal in life. 

Were it not for your willingness to be authentic during our lunch that day at Jerusalem Café in Fondren, I seriously doubt that I would be as well versed in the power of community to the degree that I am. Thank you for taking that risk with me and for in turn giving me permission to do the same with you."

That accurately sums up how much I benefited from this friendship for such a time as that and on into the future relative to how it played out as an ideal.

But then it came to an end over me choosing to betray my dear friend, and I did this out of respect for what I felt was the highest goal of our relationship.  That being his recovery combined with my abiding love for the church.  

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Over nine months of no gay porn consumption (for Rob) was a thrilling development of this friendship.  That's what was going on with me during our committed times together.  I distinctly remember divulging that to my friend out of sincere thankfulness.  My time with Chris gave me relation to a straight man who could speak my language / empathize with my struggles coupled with accountability.  Meeting weekly relative to our simplistic routine was all I seemingly needed.  As such, it far outweighed the loneliness I was attempting to stave off via the consumption of salacious imagery.  

But unfortunately, my success seemingly wasn't mirrored within him.  His struggles with porn were different than my own (& I respected this truth), and once he admitted to how dishonesty towards me (regarding his implied sobriety) had also played a part in our "iron sharpening iron" friendship, I soon became wholeheartedly convinced that he needed far more men rallying around him than just me alone.

We discussed my concern and recommendation at length.  From there, I urged him to disclose to the kindhearted, thoughtful Associate Pastor (who was serving as his immediate supervisor at the time & who's still on staff at our church today).  And he came very close to agreeing to do this (with me standing by his side).  I was so proud of him and equally excited to see how God might use this to his benefit.

Eventually though, he stepped back from the idea, claiming that it was through his therapist's commentary (I had encouraged him to start seeing a Christian counselor at the seminary he was enrolled at) that he'd decided to begin backing away from our friendship entirely.

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I love the church.  If there's one thing that's distinctively added so much goodness into my life, it's been the church.  Hence, I have great respect for the church as well as what it's built upon:  God's word.  

As an aside, Chris and I debated on multiple occasions as to whether or not he was an actual pastor relative to him overseeing the youth ministry.  And this all stemmed from me citing New Testament scripture which explicitly states that elders and pastors will be / must be held to a higher standard than everyone else.  

But mostly, I wanted him to obtain the help he no doubt needed, and I knew that our singular friendship alone wasn't going to cut it.

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I reconnected with Chris in 2019 at the National Samson Society retreat in Eva, TN.  He actually admitted to me that years after my betrayal in 2012 (here in Mississippi), another older (also new) friend of his did the same.  And hearing this absolutely crushed me, from the standpoint of this cycle continuing forward.

Chris has queried me just once regarding my decision to betray him, doing so from the standpoint of asking, "Would I do anything differently if I had a chance to relive that experience?"

Of course, I don't see any benefit in attempting to answer this question, but I do know that I have zero regret over what I chose to do.

Today, Chris is no longer serving as a youth pastor.   I don't know exactly how many years he's been formally decoupled from that role, but I'm thinking around four.  Overall, based on the historical commentary that's been relayed to me about Chris (from when he served on staff at our church), within the role of youth pastor, it's been mostly negative.  And this isn't surprising to me due to how deeply / privately transfixed he was to sexual sin during his tenure.

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As a sidenote:

Years ago (fairly early on in my involvement in Samson Society here in Jackson), a younger Samson guy asked for my input regarding a married (husband) friend of his who'd recently divulged (to him) that he was actively committing adultery behind his wife's back via (gay) hookups.  Without hesitation I asked my young friend if his adulterous friend was - at that time - formally separated from his wife.  And after he confirmed that he was not, I unflinchingly charged him with the responsibility of protecting his friend's wife from her husband's stupidity (sexually transmitted diseases, etc.).  

He was magnanimously opposed to the idea of betraying his friend.  So much so that it was as if I had recommended he gleefully spend a few hours dodging traffic whilst attempting to crisscross the Interstate. 

And that was the end of my friendship with this young Samson brother.

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Close relationships that are harmonically predisposed to Samson Society-like principles should never be immune to the moral / spiritual obligations each man has to himself and others (including the church) outside of the relationship.  If it has become this way, I would argue, the relationship has become incestuous.   

Inversely (healthily), that statement relates to the oft short-lived (close) friendships that grow out of Samson Society meetings / community.  For healthiness between friends, equating to a solid recovery regimen, naturally matures / expands outward over time.  It's very similar to evangelism when evangelism is being propelled supernaturally by God's Spirit.  Especially too considering the intensity of these relationships. 

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I'll likely never forget the night Chris attempted to reach me once he'd realized that I was going to follow through with my intentions (the next day).  Witnessing his panic was almost too much to bear.  

Deep, Christ-centered friendship is, at times, fucking hard.  

In closing, today Chris is once again my Silas (officially), and he has been so for probably three months now.  His birthday is Monday, (1/31), and I've always remembered that because it was on that day back in 2012 when he was terminated from his position as youth pastor at our church (this termination happened before my betrayal).  Interestingly enough, regarding his termination, no one at the church knew - to the extent that I did - of his deep-seated issues with Internet porn.

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I'm pleased to say that Chris will be co-leading a winter retreat in Gulf Shores, AL next month, and I'm privileged to be slated to attend (1 of 16).  This will be my second regional Samson Society retreat that I've attended and that he's also co-facilitated.  

His work today as a coach / counselor / group leader is exemplary.  It is no doubt exactly where he needs to be for such a time as this.

He and I - hopefully - will expectedly carry this friendship of ours on into heaven, taking into account all of the various seasons we've lived through - both singularly and together.

Thanks be to God for bringing Chris Inman into my life all those years ago.  No man's friendship has impacted me more profoundly than his.

Recommended Reading

 ‘No Regrets’ Is No Way to Live - WSJ

The Safety / Comfort Of Playing The Victim Runs Counter To The Ideology Of The Samson Society.

Samson Society was founded by a man who refused to play the victim.  In fact, during the height of his sexual deviance (whilst serving as a pastor & before his chronic sexual sin was publicly exposed), he did the right thing by willingly hanging up his pastoral frock.  By doing so, he properly stood up for not only himself / his family but his flock.  Mr. Nate Larkin did this (as far as I know) sans any external pressures.  Hence, this is why he's my hero.

It is extremely unusual to find a pastor whose humility combined with his compassion fuels enough conviction to make this kind of move. 

I cannot emphasize that enough.

I cannot help but believe that so much of God's blessing on the Samson Society is a result of Nate's character in this regard.

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My experience, living here in Mississippi for close to (50) years, is that locally, we're a people group who's deeply unsympathetic to the dramatization of victimhood.  Yet, on a national level, the reverse is true.  And this is because our default on the national stage is so often to play the victim for all it's worth ($$$).  Hence, yes we'll readily admit to being the fattest and the most racially divided so long as you'll keep our federal funding intact and never quit subsidizing our access to entertainment (TV, Internet).

We here in Mississippi are a deeply religious state, yet take great pride in our independent, strong-willed character.  So much so that our overall sympathetic tone-deafness typically serves as a de facto quarantine(r) (between us and outsiders).

Living here, you must make peace with / respect the hyper-conservative (read: fiercely religiously independent) points of view (outlook, temperament) being par for the course.  

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I've lived within the suburbs of Jackson (capital city) all of my life (except whilst pursuing my college degree).  Throughout the past 40 years, they've exploded in growth due to individuals choosing to remove themselves from and therefore reside outside of Jackson.  Hence, the energy / efforts / devotion of us suburban Jacksonians has been poured into the suburbs.  And these suburban cities (Clinton, Brandon, Ridgeland, Madison, Pearl) have benefited tremendously therein over the previous five decades.  

What's significant about this?

It speaks to the notion of having the chutzpah to simply abandon the center and move instead to the extremities.  And from there, working collectively to ingratiate this new place / these new places under the mantle of complete independence.  This chutzpah is manifested in and celebrated therein through the successful individuality / independence of these edge cities.

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We've considered an overall (big picture) and (somewhat) recent historically distinct portrayal of this place.  How does this modus operandi translate to our hearts as residents of the Magnolia State?

We Mississippians have a penchant for both sexual independence (hop in the sack when you're good and ready) and finger pointing / shaming as it pertains to illicit sexual activity (outside of a straight marriage bed).  As such we're some of the most pejoratively sexually active people.  Loving to hate our sexual selves even while we're conceiving considerably more (than the national average) out-of-wedlock children.

Mississippi is no doubt filled with a lot of exceedingly horny do-gooders / dirty minded holy rollers.    

And frankly, I believe that's where our independent thinking catches up with us.  But that rabbit is there for me to chase another day...

[Please remember, dear reader, that I was a typical Mississippi bastard child, therefore I speak personally here.]

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Having written / thought through all of that (as I was typing), I'm wondering now if moreso the opposite of playing the victim is simply devoted obedience.  In lieu of fierce independence.  

New Testament scripture thematically promotes a yielding to the realization / penalty of our sinful nature whilst embracing our newfound glory in Christ.  A glory that's consistently espoused itself towards community - existing under his headship.  

As we all know, today, so many of us men, Christian or otherwise, find that it's our sexuality that's been deeply corrupted / distorted, thereby blanketing us as sure 'nuff guilty.  Samson Society, therefore, is uniquely positioned to promote / drive home the importance of fierce obedience by our demonstrating to each other (& inversely to ourselves) the same - potency of love - that Christ shown within the gospels.  It's a love that should firstly be rooted in our allegiance to him and the example he set for us (no matter the scale of the group).  I'm hopeful to expound on how that's specifically manifested itself within my life about ten years ago inside the confounds of my first Silas relationship.  Stayed tuned for my next post.

Recommended Reading - I Love This. I Don't Watch TV, But I Love Their Candor.

 Aaron Paul. ,ryan Cranston on Their Friendship After Breaking Bad | PEOPLE.com

Recommended Reading - Desiring God Post

 Why Do They Get What I Want? Envy and the Eyes That Matter | Desiring God

January 2022 "The No Bull Newsletter"

 

THE NO BULL BRIEFING - January 2022

WE DID IT! In the last two months of 2021 Samson Society raised $67,314.25 in unique contributions, matching and going beyond the Challenge Match of $65,000. That’s a combined $132,314.25 toward advancing the mission of Samson Society world-wide. When told of the milestone, our founder, Nate Larkin, exclaimed, "beautiful!" That says it all - the commitment of our membership to the mission and vision of Samson Society is beautiful. We are growing faster and accomplishing more in every corner of our society: online meetings, Slack participation, international growth, Sarah Society, volunteer leadership, social media, retreats, connectivity, tech advancements, and on and on. Let's see what we can do in 2022! And let's keep the momentum going. Contribute here.  Ciao amico! We have two international retreats planned in 2022: October 7-9 for Italian men (a short drive from Rome), and October 14-16 for international participants (in the north of Italy). Men coming from the US are welcome at either retreat. We are still finalizing the costs, but as of right now it looks like the in-country expenses will be very reasonable. If you want to make it a vacation for you and your wife, we will be holding a simultaneous event for women the first weekend. Start planning now so you can get the most favorable airfares and lodging. If you plan on staying beyond the retreat for an extended vacation, we will be providing updates in future NBBs and on a dedicated Slack channel so you can coordinate with other Pirate Monks. Oh, and if you're wondering about language barriers...you've got nine months to learn a little Italian (try Duolingo). Regional Retreat Opportunities Sarah Society Inaugural Retreat Sarah Society invites any woman, regardless of marital status, who has experienced betrayal trauma to our inaugural annual retreat.  Join us April 8-10, 2022, at Five Star Retreat in Nunnelly, Tennessee, for a weekend of soul restoration and receive encouragement and practical tips for navigating the journey of recovery from partner betrayal. For more information or to save your spot today, visit our website. 2023 Mega Retreat Team We are seriously considering a MEGA RETREAT for 2023 in Orlando or a similar destination. The planning for such an event is considerable, though, so we are putting together a 2023 Mega Retreat Team to plan and execute the whole event.  We will need at least 12 men to coordinate travel, location, venue, communication, merch, meals and coffee, sound, video, presenters, registration, and more. The commitment is approximately 5 hours per month from now until August 2023, with more hours needed in the final couple of months. If we can pull this off, this will be a game-changer event for Samson Society. Interested in joining the team? Email us at samsonhouseoffice@gmail.com Connect with us on social media!