How The Ease Of Access (www) To Gay Porn Changed The Course Of My Life (Sans A Buzz From Booze)

My first Silas had / has an addiction to alcohol (& porn) that resulted (2015) in him receiving his first (& only) DUI whilst traveling for work within beautiful Louisiana.  Interestingly enough, it was his son who'd originally attended a Samson Society meeting, and as such, this fortunate juncture (between his son and the First Baptist Church Jackson Samson Society group) resulted in the perfectly timed referral. 

Years ago, a client of mine from north Mississippi admitted too to receiving a DUI (also his first & only).  I couldn't help but ask him for permission to tell my story in response to his quagmire (he'd just applied for some individual insurance coverage via my family business), and thankfully, he was open to that.  From there, I asked about his porn use, and this question took him aback.  I asked specifically if it was chronic - to any degree - whatsoever.  He stated that he only used porn whilst drinking alcohol, and this piqued my interest as to the deeply effective means alcohol has of lowering one's inhibitions.

Me being a teetotaler - in contrast to my first Silas' lifelong relationship with alcohol (& subsequently porn) - forced me to do a lot of soul searching relative to what exactly was behind my chronic use of online smut.  For I wasn't under the influence of any drug whilst consuming, yet I had no inherent revulsion to it.  Instead, it was almost as if I'd literally struck gold.

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Gay porn is photos / videos of men having sex with either themselves or each other, and having lived within Mississippi all of my life, I'd never witnessed this 'till the Internet came on the scene in the late '90s.  It's heady stuff that's repulsive to many men, but not all.  Before I encountered it online, I'd only imagined sexual activity between men, but I'd never witnessed any version of it - live or Memorex.  Therefore, the Internet opened a doorway for me that should never have been opened, yet because of that exposure, many good outcomes were the result as I'll describe in short order.

Two powerfully evocative emotional responses happened at once when this door was opened for Rob.

1.  I no longer felt alone as a man with my particular sexuality.

2.  I was mesmerized by the infinite amount of pornographic imagery available online combined with the unbelievable beauty and captivating nature of those images.

What number 1 primarily did for me was invoke deep seated sadness and confusion that was rooted in how obviously vulnerable men like myself were to sexual sin and exploitation.  All the while, number 2 spurred me on to consume, consume, consume.  As if I was making up for lost time / opportunity.  Combining these two was heart wrenching for me to take.  For I consistently realized that I was neither helping myself nor these gay porn models in the process.

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I was working at an architecture firm back in the late '90s when all of this Internet porn exposure came to fruition within my life.  And the work was interesting and rewarding, but when Angie and I had our first daughter, I needed an additional job to make our budget work each month (she chose to become a stay-at-home mom).  That side job came in the form of janitorial work (at the same architecture firm I was employed at full-time).  This, combined with a horribly demonic newborn baby girl (who didn't sleep completely through the night 'till she was well over one-year-old), did nothing to stave off my thirst for Internet gay porn.  

These were back during the days of dial-up Internet access, therefore we're talking here about very constricted consumption compared to today.  Nonetheless, even this slow-as-molasses access was enough to wrangle me into a seriously emotionally drained mess - day after day - as it harkened back to what I described above.

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The first sizable course correction for me - which came as a result of the ease of access to Internet gay porn - was my desire to find a job that would relinquish me from sitting in front of a computer all day doing nothing more than repetitive grunt / layman's work.  It wasn't that I minded grunt work nor looked down on it.  In actuality, grunt work was peaceful and low, low stress.  But, I couldn't give it the focus I needed to with an Internet browser icon staring back at me seductively.  

Therefore, this resulted in me taking the necessary risks involved in moving jobs, and for Rob, this just happened to result in a move from the private to the public sector.  And this move enabled me to embrace a much more administrative role that was anything but repetitive.  And I really loved and felt proud to be doing this work (for my home state, no doubt) as a 34-year-old Mississippi architect.

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The second sizable course correction for me had to do with courage.  Seeing the scores of naked men participating in all manner of sexually charged poses / activities inspired me to cease hiding what my true needs were.  I believe that the majority of gay sex - whether it's photographed or not - is an outgrowth of men needing / longing for community at its most basic, animalistic, instinctual level.  Men emote most efficiently in and through sexual activity of any ilk.  This is how God made us.

I've heard stories from young Samson guys who've experienced difficult heterosexual romantic breakups, and as a result, driven to NOLA in order to frequent gay bars in pursuit of hookups.  Hookups to placate their implied "now & forever" loneliness funk.  This may sound extreme, but it points back to men's "special connection" between their brain's emotional core and their genitals.

Too, during this time, I was happily married, yet not known - truly known - by any other men.  

Therefore, I began looking online for a friend.  Someone that God might bring my way who could relate to Rob's situation / identity.  And that person came in the form of an Aussie name Scott who blessed me tremendously with his loyalty and encouragement as a Christian friend for +/-18 exuberantly joy-filled months.  From there, I began to talk about my story with more and more Christian (and eventually pagan) men.  Thankfully, the reactions I received were supportive and helpful if not completely demonstrative of genuine respectfulness towards my situation.  This, in turn, convinced me to expand my horizons that much further.

Eventually, I did find that just having one, two or three men - in the know - regarding my story, wasn't enough.  The circle needed to be ever widened.  Hence, I began blogging, and that's when The Architect's Garage blogspot was born.  By the time that blog (5-year lifespan) gained traction online, I was having close to +/-75 visitors (hits) a day from readers all over the globe.  It was a phenomenally effective and super convenient mouthpiece for Rob and his unique story.

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The third sizable course correction for me had to do with my physical health.  Gay porn blatantly reminded me that men were image bearers of God, therefore there was a responsibility there to take care of one's physical self.  At age 36, I began strength training regularly, and at age 37 or 38, I segued  into combining that with distance running.  As a result, my physical body changed for the better alongside my health.  Plus, it gave me credence to work towards overcoming my anxiety relative to the gym / locker rooms.  And over time, I did overcome that anxiety by God's grace, but it was not at all easy.  

On the flip side of this, I absolutely DID NOT go overboard here.  I knew by overdoing it, (more than twice a week in the gym) I would torpedo my goal of lifelong longevity.  And though I'm likely not the sexiest, swolest guy as a result, that's okay.  Consistency / longevity should be every man's end goal when it comes to physical fitness.  Not specific results or gains.  I believe this wholeheartedly.

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The fourth sizable course correction for me had to do with constraints.  Gay porn opened my eyes to just how certain situations weren't workable - on any level - for Rob, no matter how hard I tried to make them work.  And this pointed back to my vocation.  In particular, the setting therein.  

I experience a sort of emotional nirvana whilst surrounded by men (very similar to a much greater degree to the short circuit available via the consumption of gay porn), and this state of mind allows me, at times, to clearly see myself.  And this is AWESOME.  Yet, though these experiences are fantastic, they take their toll if they're prolonged.  Why?  This state of emotional connection with men allows me to see / feel what they're seeing / feeling, therefore these experiences must be rationed.  Otherwise, I get overwhelmed to the point that I can't process much of anything except what these other individuals have given me the opportunity to "upload".  Because of this, I've been dubbed "highly sensitive".  Perhaps that's a true descriptor.  Whatever it is, I cannot handle certain situations but for very controlled lengths of time before I need to return to my sarcophagus.  Alone.

In summary, too much of this masculine groupthink results in me experiencing emotional overload, and when I reach that state of mind, I'm unable to find my center under just about any circumstance.

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Do I thank God for Internet gay porn?  No, of course not.  But I do believe he's used something meant for so much evil to my advantage.  At least relative to my refinement as a man.

Many years ago, I had an online Christian friend who explained to me how his participating in a handful of gay sex trysts had firsthand opened his eyes to the abnormalcy of homosexual practices.  Now, I realized then as well as now that hearing this wasn't / shouldn't give license for me (or other Christian men) to sin.  Instead, it was speaking to the sovereignty of God - even over evil itself.  And it encouraged me to recognize that shame must not become so consuming that it blinds us to God's goodness and faithfulness even within the hardest of places to discuss / admit to / ruminate over.  

God is no prude.  He's not the church lady.  Plus, he's knows how terribly vulnerable we are here within this fallen world of ours, and I believe we forget how sensitive he is to that truth.  Therefore, never underestimate how holistically clever he truly can be within his pursuit of your heart / faithfulness to him.  It is mind boggling to chronicle, if you'll just take the time to do so.

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Should Samson Guys Serve As Deacons / Elders?

It depends.

The Bible clearly qualifies deacons / elders, therefore those qualifications must be considered first & foremost.  

Being involved within the Samson Society can bring about stigma, but involvement therein shouldn't disqualify a man for one of these aforementioned positions by default. 

Every Samson guy is on his own personal journey relative to recovery.  And, his recovery may be focused on something that's not even qualified Biblically as sin.  For example, loneliness or grief.  Those are very different struggles than sexual sin, gluttony, drunkenness, etc.  They're not any less difficult, just different from a Biblical perspective.

When I was a much younger man, I was approached twice relative to being nominated for the position of deacon at First Baptist Church Jackson.  And similarly, I've been approached a handful of times (within the same vein) at Lakeside Presbyterian Church.

My litmus test for how I responded to that approach was as follows.

Was I - at that point in time - still actively engaged (regularly) in Rob's struggle with chronic sexual sin (gay porn consumption / lust)?

My answer to that question - each time it was asked internally - was a resounding "YES"!

Therefore, I politely declined each invitation.

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I'm thankful to report that I haven't consumed any gay porn since December of 2020 (thanks to The Path).  There's only been one other time within my life where I've put this much "distance" between myself and gay pornography, and that was +/-10 years ago.

Most men - who attend church (and pastor churches) regularly - consume Internet porn at a similar pace (as their church attendance).  And when I type "Internet porn", I'm not referring to just porn available via the tube (YouPorn) channels (which tends to be hardcore).  I'm referring also to social media, YouTube, Netflix, etc. (which tends to be softcore but no less effectively titillating).

Here's Rob's definition of Internet porn.

Internet porn is any imagery that promulgates lustful thoughts within your grey matter.  And more often than not, these lustful thoughts lead to eventual illicit sexual activity between the individual and someone other than their spouse.

In closing, many Christian men (in leadership positions or not) are on a spiritual trajectory to hell because of their marginalizing these unfortunate decisions.  Therefore, a fair number of men who serve as pastors, elders, deacons within our churches need our prayers for not only wisdom to lead but for the conviction to also extract themselves (repent) from these poor choices.

The Toxicity Of (Samson Society) Slander & Gossip / Strive To Stay At The Bottom Level Of The Ziggurat Pyramid

This past week I manned a trade show booth at an annual summer convention that caters towards one of the professions my family business (which is where I'm employed) gravitates towards.  I've manned this particular booth (almost always within the same venue) for seven years.

Prior to this annual event, I establish goals for myself relative to the efforts I'm slated to put forth there, and one of those goals for this year had to do with Rob making a professional connection with one - in particular - (out of four) of the gatekeepers of this particular national organization.  This particular gatekeeper is the newest to the group, having been appointed +/-3 years prior, and subsequently, the last one to having a working relationship with Rob.  

But unfortunately, perhaps due to my big mouth, that newly hoped for professional connection (& subsequent goal) didn't come to fruition during the event.  To be more specific, I let a slanderous comment slip immediately prior to the opening reception on Thursday night.  And this comment was relayed to very much the wrong individual (the gatekeeper's employee) at the wrong time.  

Stupid Rob.

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I offer the following truth.

All of us adjudicate others by default.  It's essentially sizing up, and it's especially prevalent (easy to execute) amongst individuals who're - more or less - established within the same plane.  And keep in mind that everything within our culture - as well as the very economic system we reside within - as Americans, is coded within the language of performance-based judgement / rank (which by definition runs counters to the gospel).  Case in point are Samson Society facilitators and how their personas respond to the roles they've volunteered for.  These men, no doubt, are each distinctly different in their approach.  Yet, they've chosen to take on the responsibilities embedded within facilitating which makes them easy targets.

Another facet of being a member of the Samson Society community is warranted, consistent attendance (sometimes many years of attendance) to a particular group(s).  And this can fuel what I call ziggurat (stepped) pyramid judgement - with each level of the pyramid (ascending from bottom to top) representing less and less doubt -  relative to your sizing up of an individual, setting, etc.  And this ziggurat pyramid construction "process" (moving upwards towards a more concretized opinion or point) tends to happen faster / with less effort the older (more experienced) you are (I speak from experience here).  As such, once you reach that pyramid's zenith, one's opinion is no doubt established, and that's when you're probably screwed.  For I've seen firsthand how no man can benefit from Samson Society (or any other horizontal community) when they've figured everything / everyone else out.  As such, to expound on that observation, this personal "triumph" may also result in potential slander ensuing whilst being within that particularly arrogant state of mind (like I was last week at the aforementioned convention).

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Here's another truth.

Tension exists between certain men.  It's inevitable.  And that's not necessarily a negative truth.  Sometimes there's even tension between Samson Society facilitators because, they too are men.  At times, this tension is managed with relational distance coupled with an intentioned reduction in communication.  And I would argue that this tends to be a risky approach due to the fact that solid communication is always, always a key to success relative to relationships, organizations, etc.  Satan will undoubtedly use this easy out to his advantage in weakening the relationship.  

I write all of this primarily for me myself to read.  For I'm no better than any other man at keeping my head clear of judgmental thinking.  One of the primary attributes (character traits) of Mr. Nate Larkin is humility (I'm so fortunate to know him and to have witnessed this personally).  He literally reeks of it.  And as the author / creator of the Samson Society, I continue to bestow much admiration on him because of that particular approach to leading / modeling towards involvement within (how to) the Samson Society community.

In closing, the best way to not commit slander is to steer clear of filling your noggin with judgment about anyone or any group.  And if you cannot cease from doing this, it may be best to remove yourself from the community 'till you mature a bit more within that vein.

For once it's out of your mouth, it's not ever going back.

Lagniappe

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"To Bloom Where You Are Planted" - Finding Peace In The Places Where Life Takes You

 

We Should Bloom Where We Are Planted...

In the video clip above, two friends are standing on a bridge. The character of Lee has been trying to encourage his friend, Griffith, to abandon his family and to leave the state of Mississippi in order to pursue better opportunities. Griffith, rooted firmly into the soil of Mississippi, is very reluctant to leave, and ultimately ends up staying in his beloved Mississippi. This clip is one that has always resonated with me.

When I turned 40 years old last September, it didn't really hit me all that hard. Really, my 40th birthday came and went just another day in my life. It was nothing special, and I had previously requested no parties, accolades, or surprises from my family. Of course, being in the middle of the Covid 19 pandemic help to ensure that any birthday celebrations would be at a minimum. For months prior to my birthday arriving, the thought had been lingering at the back of my mind that I would soon approach 40 years of age, and would soon embark on my 40th journey around the sun. Longevity does not seem to be in my favor, as all four of my grandparents passed away before ever reaching their 90s. My longest living grandfather was 87 when he passed away four years ago, while both of my grandmothers passed away in their 70s. Arriving at my 40th birthday served as a sobering reminder to myself – I am more than likely halfway through living the earthly life that God has blessed me with here. Of course, I very well know that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, and I could very well die at any moment, a victim of any number of maladies. But when I take into consideration that my natural lifespan (Lord willing) is most likely going to be the mid-80s at maximum, it is indeed a sobering thought.

I spent so many years of my life living in anger and denial, repressing things that had happened to me and not knowing how to process those thoughts, or even understanding that I should begin to process those thoughts. Thoughts of guilt, shame, anger, hurt, bitterness, and betrayal; all these thoughts were packed up in the boxes in my attic, and I was determined to never go up in the attic and bring those boxes down or to let anyone else see the contents of those boxes. Being a part of Samson has forced me to make several trips up into the attic began to take the boxes down and go through the pieces – shattered pieces of my life – and look at them and figure out what the heck to do with them. Since becoming involved in Samson back in 2014, I have been on a journey of self-discovery, examination, acceptance, healing, forgiveness, and just allowing myself to be loved by others. It hasn't been an easy path, and there have been many times where I have slid back. But with the help of others and with God, I've made a lot of progress.

Due to the nature of my dad's job, we were very mobile when growing up. Over the course of my K-12 years, I went to any number of schools within three separate school districts. By the time that I arrived in Petal, Mississippi in the summer of 1993, I was shutting down. I was angry, bitter, incredibly hurt, and unable to express myself to anyone. Growing up in a relatively rural area in the 1990s, there was no one to open up to and even if there had been, I certainly would not have known how to even begin to do so. The older that I grew, the harder that my heart grew. By the time I reached the end of my high school years, I was drifting. To intensify an already rough situation, my family dynamics were extremely strained during my 11th to 12th-grade years. At the beginning of my freshman year in college, my dad's job transferred him to Louisiana, and he, my mom, and my younger brother all moved off and left me to attend college in Mississippi. I was not sure what I wanted to do when I got out of high school, but my parents absolutely put their foot down and insisted that I must go to college. Looking back, I think that it would've been a much wiser decision if I had taken a year off between high school and college to work and to just find myself and to just find my way in life. But I didn't.

It is a long story, but straight out of college I was hired by a national corporation that ran the largest store in Grand Canyon National Park on the south rim. Originally, I was set to begin teaching overseas (my college degree was in English) in the fall, and I simply wanted to go out West for the summer just to get away and to experience life someplace other than Mississippi. Little did I know, but when I arrived at the Grand Canyon National Park store, they would like me so much that they put me to work upstairs in the accounting department on a permanent basis. What was intended to be a summer job turned into a two-year gig which found me living at the National Park on a full-time basis. My time there was bittersweet, and I was haunted for so many years upon my return to Mississippi by the experiences that I had out there and some of the things that I had done.

My beautiful bride and I met when we were in college together. We dated for two years in college, then went our separate ways after we graduated from the University. We decided to stay together long-distance while I was in Arizona, though I will be the first to tell you that it is incredibly hard to maintain any type of relationship over a long distance. After two years in Arizona, I received news of my beloved maternal grandmother's failing health and so I made the decision to leave my job in Arizona time back to my home state of Mississippi to start graduate school for my first Master's degree, get married, and spend time with my grandmother. My wife (then fiancée) moved to Clinton, Mississippi in the fall of 2007. We were married that December in 2007, and only intended to be in Clinton for the duration of the time that I was in graduate school.

I had such grandiose plans for our lives – we were going to go to another state (preferably somewhere with less humidity) and live a beautiful life blissfully happy in a place that was anywhere but in Mississippi as most of my other relatives have done. But something really strange happened along the way. We somehow got stuck in a time warp, and it is now 2021 – nearly 14 years later. And guess what? We are still living in Clinton, Mississippi. Not only are we still living in Clinton Mississippi, but we also have a house, a kid, three dogs, and many, many friends here. I was thinking about that the other day. In a mere few weeks, my son is about to start his second-grade experience in elementary school. Even as recently as a few years ago, my wife and I struggled with trying to figure out what in the heck we wanted to do with our lives. While we both have great jobs here, we have family scattered all over the United States. Aside from my mom and dad, we are basically the only ones still here in Mississippi. Well, that and I also have an eccentric great aunt that means the world to me and that we love dearly. During the time that we have been married, we have buried all four grandparents, a great uncle, another great uncle, and my wife's grandmother. So we really do not have that much family left here in Mississippi.

But you know, it really is a funny thing. You don't have to be related by blood in order to be family with people. My wife and I have a wonderful church family that we love dearly, and I have never had a chance to be a part of the same church for more than 13 years. Prior to moving to Clinton, I had never had the opportunity to live for nearly 14 years in one location. My Samson family is here, my friends are here, my job that I love dearly is here, and my church family is here as well.

People knock on Mississippi all the time and say what a horrible place it is to live. But they just don't know. I have lived out West, and I have also had the pleasure of visiting many other states. While the weather here is warm in Mississippi, the people are even warmer. You just don't find the graciousness, kindness, and generosity in a lot of people in other states as you do in the people of Mississippi.

I am 40 years old, and there are still times when I feel like I am stuck in a rut – I have lived in the same house, been married to the same woman, gone to the same church, had the same dog, and lived in the same town for nearly 14 years now. Part of me thinks that it shows a lack of ambition on my part to not want to advance past the confines of Mississippi and find a better life elsewhere. But then it really hit me all of a sudden last year when I hit 40 years old during Covid – it is an absolute blessing! When my wife and I asked our son the other day if he ever wanted to move, he said no, "I love my church, my friends, and my school!" And then I thought to myself – the grass is not always greener and what a wonderful gift it is that God has given me to be able to provide my son with the stability that I did not have when I was growing up. My wife was born in El Paso Texas, the daughter of a high-ranking military official. Although her parents eventually got divorced, she spent her early childhood being bounced around from city to city and she and her brother both have PTSD as a direct result of this. My wife and I directly attribute our respective childhoods as a contributing factor in our hesitancy to move in our adult years.

My wife and I talked a few weeks ago and we both realized that at some point over the past year, we both individually came to the conclusion that this is home. Perhaps there is more money to be made in other states. Perhaps there are better opportunities in other states. Perhaps we have grown complacent and become stuck in a rut. But you know what? That is okay. God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good. He has given me so many opportunities here in Mississippi to continue to pour into others, as well as let others pour into me. The wounds of my childhood have finally begun to heal. The comfort that I feel living here in my house with my beautiful bride, wonderful son, and three annoying dogs is never something that should be taken for granted. Nor is it something that should be seen as a sign that I am stuck in a rut. I heard God say last year very clearly: live where you have been planted my child and enjoy this gift that I have given you while living the life that I have blessed you with.

My wife and I have always loved to travel. These days, we don't travel nearly as much as we did before the days of having a kid, as we are bound by the constraints of full-time jobs, the kid's schedules, dogs, and a household to manage. But we do travel, it is usually to visit relatives in other states. But you know the funny thing? Whenever I am returning to my home in Clinton and I hit the home stretch of road, a huge smile slowly spreads its way across my face and I think to myself "I am home."

I finally understand that whether it's the life I had imagined, I am living the life that God had planned for me in the place he decided to put me. And there, I have found healing.

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