Humility is like autism. It falls on a spectrum. And for Rob, I'm seeing some sure signs of humbleness, and this serves as proof that God is faithful within the world. What I mean by that last statement is that God exists, the Bible is the infallible word of God, and that Jesus, the Holy Spirit and so forth aren't just, you know, a lot of malarkey.
And there's strength in humility because it clears your head. Disappointments don't matter as much. Life, in turn, has a clock to it that spells of needed redemption. Other men, even familial men, aren't scary to stand up to anymore due to everything I just mentioned.
For me, it's like being leveled up or perhaps a better way to put is leveled down.
-------------------------
One of the coolest side effects of humility is that shame has a difficult time penetrating that secure veil. Even within the most shame-inducing scenarios, it just won't easily succeed at taking root. Now, I may feel some trepidation towards certain people relative to past shame, but true humility brings such clarity that it helps to circumvent those past trends.
I can imagine having a near death experience and from there, that would bring about some semblance of humility, but I wouldn't expect it to last. What I'm talking about exactly is more along the lines of progressing along a path that eventually provides a breakthrough point where there's a clear vista backwards to where I've traveled from / through. But too, there's the recognition of the miracle that I've come to this place, having survived so many terrible circumstances, most of which were set in motion thanks to my sin nature.
In summary, it's being able to feel joy more often than not even when things don't go my way. It's a feeling that's electric, more akin to an energy source than a temperament. Joy that anesthetizes the mundane, making it much, much more bearable.
-------------------------
From here, I can give back without feeling cheated or choked. Whether it's through Samson Society or otherwise. But, that also does include my work with Bob and Darlene.
Seeing clearly is absolutely breathtaking to behold. May it always be this way going forward.
Saturday, November 16, 2019
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
Separate Master Suites
Today represents a milestone of sorts. All 5 Metro Jackson Samson Society groups are coming together for a Homecoming meeting at First Baptist Church Jackson at 6 PM in the Summit Counseling suite.
In (a number of) years past, Mr. Don Waller would invite us Samson guys out to his family land near Flora, and we'd have a New Year's bonfire ceremony, celebrating where we'd been and where we felt we were headed. In many ways, tonight's Homecoming meeting will be executed within that same spirit (including the food!).
Last year, all of the (then existing) Samson Society groups along with their wives shared a restaurant meal, both during the summer and winter months, and this, in many ways, served as the precedent for tonight. As you know, change is inevitable. I'm of the opinion that this change is for the better (bonfire to restaurant to Homecoming meeting / dinner).
-------------------------
The most recent trend in residential construction is dual master suites with a husband Jack and wife Jill bathroom. It's an interesting idea that stems from convenience and sleeping in peace, but to many it's sacrilege relative to what the actual marriage bed represents.
Each to their own, I suppose. In my opinion, two marriage beds, in theory, should increase the chances for some sextime between husband Jack and wife Jill.
The Samson Society here in the Jackson, MS metro will always be indebted to Mr. Don Waller for his foresight into spearheading the first group. Don had somehow garnered interest in Mr. Nate Larkin's ministry, and subsequently, took the measured steps in facilitating the initial group. Eventually, this first group spun off another, and then another, and so forth from the core group of men who met with Mr. Don Waller initially.
Why?
Convenience primarily. Plus, the men within that initial group represented different regions of the city as well as churches within those regions, and they each knew that their church homes would also benefit from its own Samson Society group. Like me, these guys are men's ministers by nature, and subsequently are eat up with Samson.
-------------------------
What's especially awesome about tonight is we're honored to be hosting a local Samson Society guy who's only been involved via the virtual Samson Society groups. How cool is that? To have him formally introduced to our local Samson Society community via this Homecoming event is AWESOME.
God is so good. I can't wait for tonight's meeting! Please consider joining us.
In (a number of) years past, Mr. Don Waller would invite us Samson guys out to his family land near Flora, and we'd have a New Year's bonfire ceremony, celebrating where we'd been and where we felt we were headed. In many ways, tonight's Homecoming meeting will be executed within that same spirit (including the food!).
Last year, all of the (then existing) Samson Society groups along with their wives shared a restaurant meal, both during the summer and winter months, and this, in many ways, served as the precedent for tonight. As you know, change is inevitable. I'm of the opinion that this change is for the better (bonfire to restaurant to Homecoming meeting / dinner).
-------------------------
The most recent trend in residential construction is dual master suites with a husband Jack and wife Jill bathroom. It's an interesting idea that stems from convenience and sleeping in peace, but to many it's sacrilege relative to what the actual marriage bed represents.
Each to their own, I suppose. In my opinion, two marriage beds, in theory, should increase the chances for some sextime between husband Jack and wife Jill.
The Samson Society here in the Jackson, MS metro will always be indebted to Mr. Don Waller for his foresight into spearheading the first group. Don had somehow garnered interest in Mr. Nate Larkin's ministry, and subsequently, took the measured steps in facilitating the initial group. Eventually, this first group spun off another, and then another, and so forth from the core group of men who met with Mr. Don Waller initially.
Why?
Convenience primarily. Plus, the men within that initial group represented different regions of the city as well as churches within those regions, and they each knew that their church homes would also benefit from its own Samson Society group. Like me, these guys are men's ministers by nature, and subsequently are eat up with Samson.
-------------------------
What's especially awesome about tonight is we're honored to be hosting a local Samson Society guy who's only been involved via the virtual Samson Society groups. How cool is that? To have him formally introduced to our local Samson Society community via this Homecoming event is AWESOME.
God is so good. I can't wait for tonight's meeting! Please consider joining us.
Monday, November 11, 2019
This Impossible Digital, All Access Culture
Testosterone, as far as I've been taught, culminates from a man's testes. It is the hormone that during gestation changes a female embryo to male very early on. It's obviously a powerful force that has massive influence over how men feel, look, react, and so forth.
And I've also been taught that men are at their sexual peak at age 18. Therefore, in terms of virility, that's when they're most adept at conceiving children. Of course, to conceive, a man needs to introduce his sperm to an egg. And that's where intercourse comes into the picture.
My dad was 18 when I was conceived. Darlene was a year younger. Obviously, he'd no desire to impregnate my mother. He was simply out to express his testosterone-charged self through his genitalia.
Testes are factories for sperm and the prostate is a gland that's all about assisting that factory in efficient delivery of said sperm. Fairly regularly, men will discharge on their own whilst sleeping as needed in order to "bleed the system" so to speak. But most men this day and age never experience this due to the impossibly ridiculous amount of all access smut that has now defined our western culture. This, in turn, culminates in men masturbating themselves to ejaculate their semen as their arousal template spirals them towards loss of control, or worse, inserting their penis into a vagina, mouth or anus (that's in no way connected to their marriage bed) in order to achieve the same.
-------------------------
Most men are highly visually stimulated. Whether it's live, print, or video, it's his eyes that first seize the opportunity to start down the path towards overt lust. And this is usually accomplished by taking a mental snapshot (considering real life), saving an image (online), or scrolling, scrolling, scrolling to find additional images (social media). And we're not even considering the realm of hardcore smut within that breakdown. Why is that? Because there are plenty of men who feel right at home treading the surface of what's appropriate and what's not relative to cultural norms. "No harm done. Right?"
What's with the voluminous amount of salacious material available for men to be visually stimulated by? Who or what exactly set that precedent in motion?
We men willingly (or perhaps unwillingly at times) relinquish our sensibilities in order to experience visual arousal. Take for example this massive ad campaign for the SoloFlex home gym back in the late '80s. This mail order product was monumentally overpriced and subsequently, highly ineffective in providing results, but it sold and it sold and it sold some more as the ads played and played and played on cable television (eventually as infomercials) for years. All thanks to the power of the visual (along with compelling voiceovers & that seductive electric guitar playing in the background).
Culturally, thanks to our free enterprise system, we're now completely zombiefied by this wicked spell, therefore everything we're presented with - in almost every "cultured" environment we find ourselves within, is sexually charged and therefore unabashedly biased towards the sexually-charged visual.
-------------------------
So men, especially younger men (remember that previously referenced stat), find themselves dealing with some state of arousal at most every waking moment. Like a low roar, it's always there from 1 to 100 as they go about their days - lounging, working, churching, schooling, etc.
And this is why men end up participating in stupidity unlike at any previous point in the history of mankind (at least in my opinion). To be more specific, eventually, he's going to start dripping precum, and from there, he's just about at a point of no return. Then comes stupid.
Really stupid. Really, really stupid.
So, what must a Christian man do? What must he do to short circuit the inevitable testosterone fueled escalation? Knowing that there's no one else he can look to but himself for leadership in this regard.
He's got to take action to protect himself by removing his eyes from cultural norms. First and foremost, he must avoid any and all opportunities to be gratuitously visually stimulated, starting with social media - Facebook, Instagram, and so forth. From there, YouTube and similarly infinite databases of video everything should be relinquished. Chat rooms, message boards, Internet groups, blogs, vlogs, and so forth should be avoided.
IMPOSSIBLE! IMPOSSIBLE! IMPOSSIBLE!
Possible. Just stop. STOP! Refuse to be an average Christian man. Embrace being abnormal. Let your life reflect your faith. Stop conforming. Take a stand. For yourself, your God, your family, your marriage.
Your testes are wonderful, exceptionally effective manufacturers of testosterone. And that's all well and good. What's not good though is you not owning up to your vulnerability in a world gone mad. A world where men are constantly strung along by their balls from one arousal template to the next. Not unlike dogs in heat. Embrace a visual life and a livelihood that runs counter to cultural norms today.
For a Free SoloFlex Brochure, Call Now. 1-800-421-2000
Remember, with discipline to nonconform, the reward is yours!
Lagniappe
And I've also been taught that men are at their sexual peak at age 18. Therefore, in terms of virility, that's when they're most adept at conceiving children. Of course, to conceive, a man needs to introduce his sperm to an egg. And that's where intercourse comes into the picture.
My dad was 18 when I was conceived. Darlene was a year younger. Obviously, he'd no desire to impregnate my mother. He was simply out to express his testosterone-charged self through his genitalia.
Testes are factories for sperm and the prostate is a gland that's all about assisting that factory in efficient delivery of said sperm. Fairly regularly, men will discharge on their own whilst sleeping as needed in order to "bleed the system" so to speak. But most men this day and age never experience this due to the impossibly ridiculous amount of all access smut that has now defined our western culture. This, in turn, culminates in men masturbating themselves to ejaculate their semen as their arousal template spirals them towards loss of control, or worse, inserting their penis into a vagina, mouth or anus (that's in no way connected to their marriage bed) in order to achieve the same.
-------------------------
Most men are highly visually stimulated. Whether it's live, print, or video, it's his eyes that first seize the opportunity to start down the path towards overt lust. And this is usually accomplished by taking a mental snapshot (considering real life), saving an image (online), or scrolling, scrolling, scrolling to find additional images (social media). And we're not even considering the realm of hardcore smut within that breakdown. Why is that? Because there are plenty of men who feel right at home treading the surface of what's appropriate and what's not relative to cultural norms. "No harm done. Right?"
What's with the voluminous amount of salacious material available for men to be visually stimulated by? Who or what exactly set that precedent in motion?
We men willingly (or perhaps unwillingly at times) relinquish our sensibilities in order to experience visual arousal. Take for example this massive ad campaign for the SoloFlex home gym back in the late '80s. This mail order product was monumentally overpriced and subsequently, highly ineffective in providing results, but it sold and it sold and it sold some more as the ads played and played and played on cable television (eventually as infomercials) for years. All thanks to the power of the visual (along with compelling voiceovers & that seductive electric guitar playing in the background).
Culturally, thanks to our free enterprise system, we're now completely zombiefied by this wicked spell, therefore everything we're presented with - in almost every "cultured" environment we find ourselves within, is sexually charged and therefore unabashedly biased towards the sexually-charged visual.
-------------------------
So men, especially younger men (remember that previously referenced stat), find themselves dealing with some state of arousal at most every waking moment. Like a low roar, it's always there from 1 to 100 as they go about their days - lounging, working, churching, schooling, etc.
And this is why men end up participating in stupidity unlike at any previous point in the history of mankind (at least in my opinion). To be more specific, eventually, he's going to start dripping precum, and from there, he's just about at a point of no return. Then comes stupid.
Really stupid. Really, really stupid.
So, what must a Christian man do? What must he do to short circuit the inevitable testosterone fueled escalation? Knowing that there's no one else he can look to but himself for leadership in this regard.
He's got to take action to protect himself by removing his eyes from cultural norms. First and foremost, he must avoid any and all opportunities to be gratuitously visually stimulated, starting with social media - Facebook, Instagram, and so forth. From there, YouTube and similarly infinite databases of video everything should be relinquished. Chat rooms, message boards, Internet groups, blogs, vlogs, and so forth should be avoided.
IMPOSSIBLE! IMPOSSIBLE! IMPOSSIBLE!
Possible. Just stop. STOP! Refuse to be an average Christian man. Embrace being abnormal. Let your life reflect your faith. Stop conforming. Take a stand. For yourself, your God, your family, your marriage.
Your testes are wonderful, exceptionally effective manufacturers of testosterone. And that's all well and good. What's not good though is you not owning up to your vulnerability in a world gone mad. A world where men are constantly strung along by their balls from one arousal template to the next. Not unlike dogs in heat. Embrace a visual life and a livelihood that runs counter to cultural norms today.
For a Free SoloFlex Brochure, Call Now. 1-800-421-2000
Remember, with discipline to nonconform, the reward is yours!
Lagniappe
Sunday, November 10, 2019
When Taking Advantage Of Your Own Self No Longer Makes Sense
Hello to new Rob. Or at least complete Rob. The Samson Society retreat gifted this to me, and I can see that clearly.
So, why isn't my private behavior reflecting this change?
I believe it's due to my mind not yet catching / syncing up with my body.
The completeness that I feel is bodily. Like an aura or energy field that's all around me emanating enough light to illuminate my surroundings clearly. And in turn, allowing me to see clearly who I am in turn.
But, what of my mind? That sophisticated organ that manages my body and retains all of my memories - if not my understanding of Rob's identity. What about it?
-------------------------
I sucked my thumb 'till I was in 1st grade at Madison-Ridgeland Academy. What convinced me to cease this behavior was me deciding to emulate my older cousin, Tate, whom didn't chew on his fat digit under any circumstance.
My mind is all about routine and therefore constantly second guessing it's surroundings - even if they're newly and subsequently more sharply illuminated. Lots of rutted neural pathways to re- route, if you know what I mean.
So, how to begin this process?
Prayer. First and foremost.
There's no overcoming my mind, no planning a re-wire without God's intervention and guidance. He created my mind and knows it intricately.
So, I have faith that he'll lead. It may take much more time than I'd like, but I know that in his time, my completely understood identity will take root within my head. And therefore, my private self (& behaviors) will then clearly reflect this new man.
So, why isn't my private behavior reflecting this change?
I believe it's due to my mind not yet catching / syncing up with my body.
The completeness that I feel is bodily. Like an aura or energy field that's all around me emanating enough light to illuminate my surroundings clearly. And in turn, allowing me to see clearly who I am in turn.
But, what of my mind? That sophisticated organ that manages my body and retains all of my memories - if not my understanding of Rob's identity. What about it?
-------------------------
I sucked my thumb 'till I was in 1st grade at Madison-Ridgeland Academy. What convinced me to cease this behavior was me deciding to emulate my older cousin, Tate, whom didn't chew on his fat digit under any circumstance.
My mind is all about routine and therefore constantly second guessing it's surroundings - even if they're newly and subsequently more sharply illuminated. Lots of rutted neural pathways to re- route, if you know what I mean.
So, how to begin this process?
Prayer. First and foremost.
There's no overcoming my mind, no planning a re-wire without God's intervention and guidance. He created my mind and knows it intricately.
So, I have faith that he'll lead. It may take much more time than I'd like, but I know that in his time, my completely understood identity will take root within my head. And therefore, my private self (& behaviors) will then clearly reflect this new man.
Wednesday, November 6, 2019
"Hello, Mr. Turner. We've Prepared A New Mirror For You."
I believe most men can see themselves fairly accurately, or at least, I'd like to think they can. Men tend to compare themselves constantly to other men (based on what I've observed), especially within certain settings, therefore how can this occur if one isn't cognizant of his own value / makeup? That's essentially my logic. I suppose this may not be the case for certain races of men, but as a middle-class white guy, I can certainly vouch for my own sphere of influence and subsequently, what I've learned through the years via those relationships.
For Rob, when I've looked inward, all I've seen is a void. I describe it as having a mirror that's shattered and therefore useless to me. Hence, I tend to be hyper impartial whilst meeting a new friend, making few assumptions, and therefore needing to ask numerous questions. And this is all well and good, but it leaves me sitting squarely alone. For knowing one's own self is key to understanding who you are within a community of other men, particularly as it relates to the gospel.
So, how did this occur? This inability to see myself.
I believe my mirror was shattered by shame, and that it occurred right around the age of 13 when I came to realize that I was right in the thick of facing intense homosexual attractions.
During a concrete pour for a building's foundation, standard testing procedures demand that a series of "test samples" of that concrete be poured into cylinders for later testing within a laboratory setting. The same can be said for asphalt that's used on roads. These tests often consist of applying high pressure to the hydrated cylinder 'till failure. And it's at this failure point that designers can determine if the material specified was actually delivered to the job site for installation. One critical component relative to this process is that you must have an independent testing engineer available to analyze the results in order to make comparisons to what was supposed to be and actually what was. If that individual isn't available, the end result is a failed cylinder alone with no real understanding of what was actually shipped to the job site and installed.
I believe as men, we're that independent voice who must make peace with the results of who we actually are, and I believe that process should be well underway during our adolescent years. But for Rob, this role as adjudicator was either abandoned or hijacked. Either way, I describe it as the aforementioned shattered mirror which left me - throughout my life - unable to see my worth within the community of men.
-------------------------
Considering all of that, I'm pleased to report that this past weekend's Samson Society retreat in Eva, Tennessee began to change all of that.
Yes, we discussed
Arousal template(s)
Play
Shame &
Trauma &
Recovery
We also delved into
Worksheets
the real-time Pirate Monk podcast &
the gospel presentation
I was privileged to meet one-on-one with
Gerald (twice)
Chris
Mike (sorta one-on-one)
Paul
Michael (& another guy whom I can't remember his name during worksheet review time)
Alan
Jason
Charlie
And I picked up 2 awesome T-shirts!
[During the car ride, we made a point to learn some architectural terms. Those were
Clerestory
Piano Noble
Vapor Barrier
,and we also learned an awful lot about termites.]
-------------------------
So, how am I feeling as of late?
Really blessed and so grateful I attended. I really like what I'm now beginning to finally see, and I never thought it might be possible to be at this place.
-------------------------
In closing, we're having a new roof put on our abode today. The roofer is a friend of mine who, years ago, worked with me on another re-roof project (mother in-law's rental property) down in south Mississippi. His and his crew's work is solid.
But, I'm an architect. And we're talking about my abode here. The one I've lived in with my family for the past 20 years.
I've been home all morning, in order to make myself "available" to the crew in case they unearth something unexpected. Not surprisingly, I haven't heard a peep out of them (except for the constant banging).
It's hard to have faith in men. That's my biggest challenge going forward. And not necessarily related to the small stuff but the big. I believe the root of that harkens back to my identity problem due to the fact that ultimately I'VE NEVER FULLY TRUSTED MYSELF. My hope is that as I continue to understand who I am, this faith / peace towards mankind will grow.
Thankfully, my closest friends get this about me.
Please be patient. That's all I can ask.
For Rob, when I've looked inward, all I've seen is a void. I describe it as having a mirror that's shattered and therefore useless to me. Hence, I tend to be hyper impartial whilst meeting a new friend, making few assumptions, and therefore needing to ask numerous questions. And this is all well and good, but it leaves me sitting squarely alone. For knowing one's own self is key to understanding who you are within a community of other men, particularly as it relates to the gospel.
So, how did this occur? This inability to see myself.
I believe my mirror was shattered by shame, and that it occurred right around the age of 13 when I came to realize that I was right in the thick of facing intense homosexual attractions.
During a concrete pour for a building's foundation, standard testing procedures demand that a series of "test samples" of that concrete be poured into cylinders for later testing within a laboratory setting. The same can be said for asphalt that's used on roads. These tests often consist of applying high pressure to the hydrated cylinder 'till failure. And it's at this failure point that designers can determine if the material specified was actually delivered to the job site for installation. One critical component relative to this process is that you must have an independent testing engineer available to analyze the results in order to make comparisons to what was supposed to be and actually what was. If that individual isn't available, the end result is a failed cylinder alone with no real understanding of what was actually shipped to the job site and installed.
I believe as men, we're that independent voice who must make peace with the results of who we actually are, and I believe that process should be well underway during our adolescent years. But for Rob, this role as adjudicator was either abandoned or hijacked. Either way, I describe it as the aforementioned shattered mirror which left me - throughout my life - unable to see my worth within the community of men.
-------------------------
Considering all of that, I'm pleased to report that this past weekend's Samson Society retreat in Eva, Tennessee began to change all of that.
Yes, we discussed
Arousal template(s)
Play
Shame &
Trauma &
Recovery
We also delved into
Worksheets
the real-time Pirate Monk podcast &
the gospel presentation
I was privileged to meet one-on-one with
Gerald (twice)
Chris
Mike (sorta one-on-one)
Paul
Michael (& another guy whom I can't remember his name during worksheet review time)
Alan
Jason
Charlie
And I picked up 2 awesome T-shirts!
[During the car ride, we made a point to learn some architectural terms. Those were
Clerestory
Piano Noble
Vapor Barrier
,and we also learned an awful lot about termites.]
-------------------------
So, how am I feeling as of late?
Really blessed and so grateful I attended. I really like what I'm now beginning to finally see, and I never thought it might be possible to be at this place.
-------------------------
In closing, we're having a new roof put on our abode today. The roofer is a friend of mine who, years ago, worked with me on another re-roof project (mother in-law's rental property) down in south Mississippi. His and his crew's work is solid.
But, I'm an architect. And we're talking about my abode here. The one I've lived in with my family for the past 20 years.
I've been home all morning, in order to make myself "available" to the crew in case they unearth something unexpected. Not surprisingly, I haven't heard a peep out of them (except for the constant banging).
It's hard to have faith in men. That's my biggest challenge going forward. And not necessarily related to the small stuff but the big. I believe the root of that harkens back to my identity problem due to the fact that ultimately I'VE NEVER FULLY TRUSTED MYSELF. My hope is that as I continue to understand who I am, this faith / peace towards mankind will grow.
Thankfully, my closest friends get this about me.
Please be patient. That's all I can ask.
Monday, October 28, 2019
Burning Men
The annual Samson Society retreat is this upcoming weekend in Eva, TN. Friday evening through Sunday morning we'll be together there at the church conference center, all +/-100 of us from all over.
The point of the weekend is to learn but to also connect with men you've not seen (or possibly heard from) in some time. Nate Larkin will serve as our host with Aaron Porter shadowing behind him. Neither of these men pretend on any level to be anything more than regular guys who're there to enjoy the company of everyone else.
It's truly the most informal, unsuspecting event I've ever been a part of. It's essentially the antithesis of a Promise Keepers event from the standpoint of drawing men who're willing to admit their weaknesses and essentially bank on those weaknesses as they engage. There's no posturing. No sizing up. No expectations. It's essentially a holiday to an abandoned Themyscira but for Samson men.
-------------------------
Anytime I see an article during the late summer about Burning Man I click on it. And sure, it is partially not unlike when I was a kid leafing through the National Geographic magazines looking for photos of semi-nude, body-pierced natives. But, there is a part of me that's fascinated with these +-80,000 folks who travel to the desert to get naked and have sex with strangers.
This retreat has some similarities to that as well except that everyone keeps their clothes on.
I remember my first Silas (pre - Samson Society) using that analogy to how quickly he and I spilled our proverbial guts to each other. We were sitting on the miniscule porch of his starter home ranch house underneath the glare of the factory-grade wall sconce, and he declared our triumph at having parlayed our way through a one-night stand.
And that's exactly what (I believe) it felt like.
Awkward. Uncomfortable. But extremely freeing as well.
They'll be much of that resonance throughout the weekend if the weekend is a success.
--------------------------
So, where does God fit into all of this?
For Rob, it's part and parcel me taking more and more baby steps towards making peace with who I am today. This weekend. As an almost 50 year old man.
And I think that's where many Samson guys get hung up on what wasn't bestowed on them during these events. For they're expecting a destination in lieu of more process. Well, it's not that at all.
There will be no party favors to take home or scribbled within workbooks to refer back to. Just memories and many more questions and absolutely more stubble and sleep to catch up on.
I cannot wait!
The point of the weekend is to learn but to also connect with men you've not seen (or possibly heard from) in some time. Nate Larkin will serve as our host with Aaron Porter shadowing behind him. Neither of these men pretend on any level to be anything more than regular guys who're there to enjoy the company of everyone else.
It's truly the most informal, unsuspecting event I've ever been a part of. It's essentially the antithesis of a Promise Keepers event from the standpoint of drawing men who're willing to admit their weaknesses and essentially bank on those weaknesses as they engage. There's no posturing. No sizing up. No expectations. It's essentially a holiday to an abandoned Themyscira but for Samson men.
-------------------------
Anytime I see an article during the late summer about Burning Man I click on it. And sure, it is partially not unlike when I was a kid leafing through the National Geographic magazines looking for photos of semi-nude, body-pierced natives. But, there is a part of me that's fascinated with these +-80,000 folks who travel to the desert to get naked and have sex with strangers.
This retreat has some similarities to that as well except that everyone keeps their clothes on.
I remember my first Silas (pre - Samson Society) using that analogy to how quickly he and I spilled our proverbial guts to each other. We were sitting on the miniscule porch of his starter home ranch house underneath the glare of the factory-grade wall sconce, and he declared our triumph at having parlayed our way through a one-night stand.
And that's exactly what (I believe) it felt like.
Awkward. Uncomfortable. But extremely freeing as well.
They'll be much of that resonance throughout the weekend if the weekend is a success.
--------------------------
So, where does God fit into all of this?
For Rob, it's part and parcel me taking more and more baby steps towards making peace with who I am today. This weekend. As an almost 50 year old man.
And I think that's where many Samson guys get hung up on what wasn't bestowed on them during these events. For they're expecting a destination in lieu of more process. Well, it's not that at all.
There will be no party favors to take home or scribbled within workbooks to refer back to. Just memories and many more questions and absolutely more stubble and sleep to catch up on.
I cannot wait!
Sunday, October 27, 2019
My Isolation Default
I'm an only child, therefore isolating as a child was my normal. My father and I had a nonexistent relationship, and of course, I wasn't a girl, therefore Darlene wasn't about to be anything to me other than mom. I've known boys who were very close to their mothers, even as grown men, but that's never been me.
I believe one of the reasons I survived architecture school at MSU was due to my penchant for isolation. As a BArch student, you're pitted against +/-45 other (mostly) young men and women in your class as your work is adjudicated (somewhat) communally. Therefore, being adept at isolation, in so many ways, is a precursor for academic survival. Hence, most of my colleagues changed majors well before the conclusion of our freshman year due to the fact that isolation is typically quite hard for the average student.
My relationship with fantastical sexual sin at this point in time was at least as strong as it had been in high school. Every day was a day to masturbate and that self pleasure was fueled by illicit sexual sin (fantasies). Weekends were particularly bad as my roommate inevitably would abandon campus to spend time with his folks (including his younger brother) back home in south Mississippi.
I believe I've said this before, but I'll say it again. If you could quantify the amount of ejaculate Rob has orgasmed over the course of his 48 years, it would no less amount to filling of a 55 gallon drum with over 3/4 of it being amassed during my college years.
-------------------------
Fast forward to the present.
This past week, I hit a wall of isolation. It had been some time since I'd dialogued with my Silas, and come Wednesday night, I chose to delve into Internet porn. I did so not for what historically was my desire (lust) to, but in order to engage within a facsimile of community...which just happened to be made up of some incredibly sexy individuals (porn models) who were somewhat convincingly pleasuring each other sans any clothing.
A day later, I went all out and engaged my middle-aged imagination in an intense sexual fantasy with a "street person". Essentially, this was an individual who I've rubbed shoulders with occasionally over the past few months, and subsequently found sexually attractive. And this absolutely harkened back to my college days.
So, I knew I was not in a good place. How then to escape?
-------------------------
Also last week was an annual 4th quarter meeting with my largest client. This meeting is pivotal in me keeping their business, therefore it's usually quite long and never not intense.
Now, I do meetings well. Having executed hundreds of them over the course of my career, I have both the stamina and the ability to navigate a group as we move from topic to topic. It's not a gift, just a learned trait. But, meetings like this one do stress me. So much so that I tend to sweat a lot. Literally.
It's usually an hour or so into the dialogue, and I can tell my deoderant isn't necessarily keeping everything deoderized under them arms. But, I think to myself, this is normal whilst putting yourself out there. And frankly, I can do that with aplomb, but you know dear reader. Albeit, there are plenty of voices who've decreed that I do it a little too "graphically".
--------------------------
So, what to do about my isolation default? Where to turn for help and how exactly to ask for it?
Same question as above.
Samson Society is first and foremost for men who're determined to escape isolation. It's written in our charter. And not through social media or becoming a deacon, but literally by marrying yourself to a specific man. Now, that word marrying may be off putting to you, but I would argue that it's applicable here.
I meet with my Silas once a week on the same day, at the same time, and within the same venue. We'd missed our last scheduled meeting, therefore it had been 2 weeks since our last juncture. In anticipation of this, I knew I needed to tell him what had been going on and why, but I didn't want to. Not that I was ashamed of my actions necessarily, but I knew in tandem with this "coming clean", I needed to give him some specific insight into how he could better meet Rob's needs [cringe].
Needs [cringe again] that will better stave off my propensity to isolate.
I DESPISE ADMITTING TO HAVING NEEDS!
But, I did it anyway. Even though, by admitting to them, I now run the risk of him not meeting those needs. And yes, I definitely perspired moreso than usual during this 20 minute personal exposition.
And you know what? I did the right thing here. But, how do I know?
My Silas isn't perfect, and he can't be expected to be. But, my God is. And I believe he desires for us to admit to our vulnerabilities. To him first, and to our brothers in Christ next. And we should do this out of respect for the seriousness of our sin problem, and the beauty of what can happen relationally through vulnerability.
In closing, if you read through the gospel of John, you see Jesus clearly. John paints a holistic picture of God's son that's both captivating and truly shocking to behold. All because of just how vulnerable John made Jesus out to be. Over and over again. If, as men, we're to follow Christ's lead, we need to be opening up to our brothers more often than not to exactly what can be done to assist us righteously - day by day. No amount of wishful thinking or otherwise can substitute the efficiency of effective communication. Psychic Silases don't exist.
I believe one of the reasons I survived architecture school at MSU was due to my penchant for isolation. As a BArch student, you're pitted against +/-45 other (mostly) young men and women in your class as your work is adjudicated (somewhat) communally. Therefore, being adept at isolation, in so many ways, is a precursor for academic survival. Hence, most of my colleagues changed majors well before the conclusion of our freshman year due to the fact that isolation is typically quite hard for the average student.
My relationship with fantastical sexual sin at this point in time was at least as strong as it had been in high school. Every day was a day to masturbate and that self pleasure was fueled by illicit sexual sin (fantasies). Weekends were particularly bad as my roommate inevitably would abandon campus to spend time with his folks (including his younger brother) back home in south Mississippi.
I believe I've said this before, but I'll say it again. If you could quantify the amount of ejaculate Rob has orgasmed over the course of his 48 years, it would no less amount to filling of a 55 gallon drum with over 3/4 of it being amassed during my college years.
-------------------------
Fast forward to the present.
This past week, I hit a wall of isolation. It had been some time since I'd dialogued with my Silas, and come Wednesday night, I chose to delve into Internet porn. I did so not for what historically was my desire (lust) to, but in order to engage within a facsimile of community...which just happened to be made up of some incredibly sexy individuals (porn models) who were somewhat convincingly pleasuring each other sans any clothing.
A day later, I went all out and engaged my middle-aged imagination in an intense sexual fantasy with a "street person". Essentially, this was an individual who I've rubbed shoulders with occasionally over the past few months, and subsequently found sexually attractive. And this absolutely harkened back to my college days.
So, I knew I was not in a good place. How then to escape?
-------------------------
Also last week was an annual 4th quarter meeting with my largest client. This meeting is pivotal in me keeping their business, therefore it's usually quite long and never not intense.
Now, I do meetings well. Having executed hundreds of them over the course of my career, I have both the stamina and the ability to navigate a group as we move from topic to topic. It's not a gift, just a learned trait. But, meetings like this one do stress me. So much so that I tend to sweat a lot. Literally.
It's usually an hour or so into the dialogue, and I can tell my deoderant isn't necessarily keeping everything deoderized under them arms. But, I think to myself, this is normal whilst putting yourself out there. And frankly, I can do that with aplomb, but you know dear reader. Albeit, there are plenty of voices who've decreed that I do it a little too "graphically".
--------------------------
So, what to do about my isolation default? Where to turn for help and how exactly to ask for it?
Same question as above.
Samson Society is first and foremost for men who're determined to escape isolation. It's written in our charter. And not through social media or becoming a deacon, but literally by marrying yourself to a specific man. Now, that word marrying may be off putting to you, but I would argue that it's applicable here.
I meet with my Silas once a week on the same day, at the same time, and within the same venue. We'd missed our last scheduled meeting, therefore it had been 2 weeks since our last juncture. In anticipation of this, I knew I needed to tell him what had been going on and why, but I didn't want to. Not that I was ashamed of my actions necessarily, but I knew in tandem with this "coming clean", I needed to give him some specific insight into how he could better meet Rob's needs [cringe].
Needs [cringe again] that will better stave off my propensity to isolate.
I DESPISE ADMITTING TO HAVING NEEDS!
But, I did it anyway. Even though, by admitting to them, I now run the risk of him not meeting those needs. And yes, I definitely perspired moreso than usual during this 20 minute personal exposition.
And you know what? I did the right thing here. But, how do I know?
My Silas isn't perfect, and he can't be expected to be. But, my God is. And I believe he desires for us to admit to our vulnerabilities. To him first, and to our brothers in Christ next. And we should do this out of respect for the seriousness of our sin problem, and the beauty of what can happen relationally through vulnerability.
In closing, if you read through the gospel of John, you see Jesus clearly. John paints a holistic picture of God's son that's both captivating and truly shocking to behold. All because of just how vulnerable John made Jesus out to be. Over and over again. If, as men, we're to follow Christ's lead, we need to be opening up to our brothers more often than not to exactly what can be done to assist us righteously - day by day. No amount of wishful thinking or otherwise can substitute the efficiency of effective communication. Psychic Silases don't exist.
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