My Isolation Default

I'm an only child, therefore isolating as a child was my normal.  My father and I had a nonexistent relationship, and of course, I wasn't a girl, therefore Darlene wasn't about to be anything to me other than mom.  I've known boys who were very close to their mothers, even as grown men, but that's never been me.

I believe one of the reasons I survived architecture school at MSU was due to my penchant for isolation.  As a BArch student, you're pitted against +/-45 other (mostly) young men and women in your class as your work is adjudicated (somewhat) communally.  Therefore, being adept at isolation, in so many ways, is a precursor for academic survival.  Hence, most of my colleagues changed majors well before the conclusion of our freshman year due to the fact that isolation is typically quite hard for the average student.

My relationship with fantastical sexual sin at this point in time was at least as strong as it had been in high school.  Every day was a day to masturbate and that self pleasure was fueled by illicit sexual sin (fantasies).  Weekends were particularly bad as my roommate inevitably would abandon campus to spend time with his folks (including his younger brother) back home in south Mississippi.

I believe I've said this before, but I'll say it again.  If you could quantify the amount of ejaculate Rob has orgasmed over the course of his 48 years, it would no less amount to filling of a 55 gallon drum with over 3/4 of it being amassed during my college years.

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Fast forward to the present.

This past week, I hit a wall of isolation.  It had been some time since I'd dialogued with my Silas, and come Wednesday night, I chose to delve into Internet porn.  I did so not for what historically was my desire (lust) to, but in order to engage within a facsimile of community...which just happened to be made up of some incredibly sexy individuals (porn models) who were somewhat convincingly pleasuring each other sans any clothing.

A day later, I went all out and engaged my middle-aged imagination in an intense sexual fantasy with a "street person".  Essentially, this was an individual who I've rubbed shoulders with occasionally over the past few months, and subsequently found sexually attractive.  And this absolutely harkened back to my college days.

So, I knew I was not in a good place.  How then to escape?

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Also last week was an annual 4th quarter meeting with my largest client.  This meeting is pivotal in me keeping their business, therefore it's usually quite long and never not intense.

Now, I do meetings well.  Having executed hundreds of them over the course of my career, I have both the stamina and the ability to navigate a group as we move from topic to topic.  It's not a gift, just a learned trait.  But, meetings like this one do stress me.  So much so that I tend to sweat a lot.  Literally.

It's usually an hour or so into the dialogue, and I can tell my deoderant isn't necessarily keeping everything deoderized under them arms.  But, I think to myself, this is normal whilst putting yourself out there.  And frankly, I can do that with aplomb, but you know dear reader.  Albeit, there are plenty of voices who've decreed that I do it a little too "graphically".

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So, what to do about my isolation default?  Where to turn for help and how exactly to ask for it?

Same question as above.

Samson Society is first and foremost for men who're determined to escape isolation.  It's written in our charter.  And not through social media or becoming a deacon, but literally by marrying yourself to a specific man.  Now, that word marrying may be off putting to you, but I would argue that it's applicable here.

I meet with my Silas once a week on the same day, at the same time, and within the same venue.  We'd missed our last scheduled meeting, therefore it had been 2 weeks since our last juncture.  In anticipation of this, I knew I needed to tell him what had been going on and why, but I didn't want to.  Not that I was ashamed of my actions necessarily, but I knew in tandem with this "coming clean", I needed to give him some specific insight into how he could better meet Rob's needs [cringe].

Needs [cringe again] that will better stave off my propensity to isolate.

I DESPISE ADMITTING TO HAVING NEEDS!

But, I did it anyway.  Even though, by admitting to them, I now run the risk of him not meeting those needs.  And yes, I definitely perspired moreso than usual during this 20 minute personal exposition.

And you know what?  I did the right thing here.  But, how do I know?

My Silas isn't perfect, and he can't be expected to be.  But, my God is.  And I believe he desires for us to admit to our vulnerabilities.  To him first, and to our brothers in Christ next.  And we should do this out of respect for the seriousness of our sin problem, and the beauty of what can happen relationally through vulnerability.

In closing, if you read through the gospel of John, you see Jesus clearly.  John paints a holistic picture of God's son that's both captivating and truly shocking to behold.  All because of just how vulnerable John made Jesus out to be.  Over and over again.  If, as men, we're to follow Christ's lead, we need to be opening up to our brothers more often than not to exactly what can be done to assist us righteously - day by day.  No amount of wishful thinking or otherwise can substitute the efficiency of effective communication.  Psychic Silases don't exist.