I believe most men can see themselves fairly accurately, or at least, I'd like to think they can. Men tend to compare themselves constantly to other men (based on what I've observed), especially within certain settings, therefore how can this occur if one isn't cognizant of his own value / makeup? That's essentially my logic. I suppose this may not be the case for certain races of men, but as a middle-class white guy, I can certainly vouch for my own sphere of influence and subsequently, what I've learned through the years via those relationships.
For Rob, when I've looked inward, all I've seen is a void. I describe it as having a mirror that's shattered and therefore useless to me. Hence, I tend to be hyper impartial whilst meeting a new friend, making few assumptions, and therefore needing to ask numerous questions. And this is all well and good, but it leaves me sitting squarely alone. For knowing one's own self is key to understanding who you are within a community of other men, particularly as it relates to the gospel.
So, how did this occur? This inability to see myself.
I believe my mirror was shattered by shame, and that it occurred right around the age of 13 when I came to realize that I was right in the thick of facing intense homosexual attractions.
During a concrete pour for a building's foundation, standard testing procedures demand that a series of "test samples" of that concrete be poured into cylinders for later testing within a laboratory setting. The same can be said for asphalt that's used on roads. These tests often consist of applying high pressure to the hydrated cylinder 'till failure. And it's at this failure point that designers can determine if the material specified was actually delivered to the job site for installation. One critical component relative to this process is that you must have an independent testing engineer available to analyze the results in order to make comparisons to what was supposed to be and actually what was. If that individual isn't available, the end result is a failed cylinder alone with no real understanding of what was actually shipped to the job site and installed.
I believe as men, we're that independent voice who must make peace with the results of who we actually are, and I believe that process should be well underway during our adolescent years. But for Rob, this role as adjudicator was either abandoned or hijacked. Either way, I describe it as the aforementioned shattered mirror which left me - throughout my life - unable to see my worth within the community of men.
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Considering all of that, I'm pleased to report that this past weekend's Samson Society retreat in Eva, Tennessee began to change all of that.
Yes, we discussed
Arousal template(s)
Play
Shame &
Trauma &
Recovery
We also delved into
Worksheets
the real-time Pirate Monk podcast &
the gospel presentation
I was privileged to meet one-on-one with
Gerald (twice)
Chris
Mike (sorta one-on-one)
Paul
Michael (& another guy whom I can't remember his name during worksheet review time)
Alan
Jason
Charlie
And I picked up 2 awesome T-shirts!
[During the car ride, we made a point to learn some architectural terms. Those were
Clerestory
Piano Noble
Vapor Barrier
,and we also learned an awful lot about termites.]
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So, how am I feeling as of late?
Really blessed and so grateful I attended. I really like what I'm now beginning to finally see, and I never thought it might be possible to be at this place.
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In closing, we're having a new roof put on our abode today. The roofer is a friend of mine who, years ago, worked with me on another re-roof project (mother in-law's rental property) down in south Mississippi. His and his crew's work is solid.
But, I'm an architect. And we're talking about my abode here. The one I've lived in with my family for the past 20 years.
I've been home all morning, in order to make myself "available" to the crew in case they unearth something unexpected. Not surprisingly, I haven't heard a peep out of them (except for the constant banging).
It's hard to have faith in men. That's my biggest challenge going forward. And not necessarily related to the small stuff but the big. I believe the root of that harkens back to my identity problem due to the fact that ultimately I'VE NEVER FULLY TRUSTED MYSELF. My hope is that as I continue to understand who I am, this faith / peace towards mankind will grow.
Thankfully, my closest friends get this about me.
Please be patient. That's all I can ask.
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