Harkens Back

Is there any more definitive venue than high school football games that parlay out the masculine and feminine roles?  Teenagers expertly ramp this up considerably with their hormones and cliche demeanor.  Athletes, cheerleaders, dance squads.  Drum line, flag girls, mascots.  And on and on it goes.  Everyone has their specific role with absolutely no overlap.  Males here.  Females there.  This uniform, that uniform.  That build.  That pose.  Those rituals.

I would know because I too was once a teen, and during my high school career, I spent most every Friday night at the football field.  Rob attended a small private academy in Madison.  Having graduated in 1990, this school was definitely not in its prime academically, but from an athletics standpoint, we held our ground quite well.

My involvement in the marching band is what dictated my attendance at each and every game.  I played clarinet when I wasn't drum majoring.  I did this because my backside is my best side, therefore what better way to make a good impression?

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Yesterday, I had lunch with my oldest friend.  Like myself, he has an 11th grade daughter who's attending a sizable local high school.  I asked if he attended the Friday night football games.  He said no, but that his daughter did with her friends.

This friend adores football, and his daughter's high school team is renowned for being very competitive, therefore why didn't he attend the games with her, taking his younger son along too?

He decreed that because it's varsity football, he's uninterested.  Hmmm....

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I experience feelings of worthlessness whilst attending my daughter's high school football games, but despite this fact, I'm there at every home game due to the fact that Caroline (my 11th grade daughter) is on the dance team.

Where are these feelings originating from?

Frankly, I'm not completely sure, but I do know it has a lot to do with how attending these games harkens back to my teenage years.

Imagine feeling like a plant, say a Holly Bush, whilst watching / playing music at your high school's football games.  That's how I felt as a teenager.  Literally.  Plants are simply background here in Mississippi due to the fact that they're everywhere.  Also, plants come across as asexual.  Too, that was an identifier for me.

Also, plants have no brain.  Again, I can relate.  The game of football, for the longest time, befuddled me, but that was especially the case in high school.  I simply could not keep up with whom had the ball, what down it was, and which team was headed in which direction.

So, last night at the Northwest Rankin versus Gulfport High football game, I was the Holly Bush in the stands.  Certainly, I'd grown a little since 1988, but overall, I was still just a benign plant.  And frankly, it prompted many more negative feelings than I'd like to be dealing with right now.

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Now, back to my old friend whom I mentioned earlier.

Jesse had a shitty high school experience.  I know this because he's described it to me.  He went to public school down in south Mississippi, and he was the consummate outcast.  Some of the hi-jinx he endured, were I to record them here, would make you cringe in vicarious shame.

And that's why (I believe) he steers clear of his daughter's high school football games.  For him, college served as a relief valve.  An escape from hell in so many ways.  Therefore, his Mississippi State Bulldogs, he lives to support through and through in honor of that specific collegiate era of his life.

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It is so weird feeling like a fucking plant.

Samson Society Isn't Where You're Setting Yourself Up To Be Pursued

If my experience over the past 5 years whilst being involved with Samson Society has taught me anything, it's taught me that this ministry is no place to look for opportunities to serve and subsequently, end up being pursued.  Now, you likely will serve, if you're asked to be someone's Silas or if you facilitate a group, but coming into this ministry looking for servant opportunities, isn't where it's at.

This is probably the biggest differentiator between Samson Society and any other religious-based ministry involving men.

Men, typically within religious orgs, are expected to serve.  They're often asked to lead through serving, in fact.  This oftentimes is a precursor for keeping men outside of the walls of churches as they simply do not wish to be relegated to that particular role.  But, for those of us who grew up in churches, we observed men of every ilk, serve, serve, serve through their attendance, volunteerism, attitudes, etc.

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I have a new friend in Samson Society who's not understanding this as of late, and he's admitted repeatedly that it's simply "in his DNA" to serve.  We'll call him a "giver".  Therefore, inevitably, oftentimes our conversations end with him asking me how he can be of help - in particular as it relates to me pursuing him as a friend.

Isn't that nice, kind, and considerate of him?

It is, but he's wasting his time here.

It's not that I'm not appreciative of his servitude, but it's not helpful to either me nor him within this community.

So, why is that?

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When you position yourself to serve others within Samson Society, you're selling out your own self and the work that you need to do there.

Let me repeat that.

When you position yourself to serve others within Samson Society, you're selling out your own self and the work that you need to do there.

Therefore, this runs counter to the sole purpose of Samson Society.

Samson Society is a selfish, self-focused, self-centered pursuit.  Essentially, it's all about you and your recovery / story.

So, what does that look like?

Unlike men in church, you as a Samson Society member make demands of other people.  Firstly, you do this by asking another man to be your Silas.  From there, you speak up in meetings, taking your opportunity to be heard seriously and very self-focusedly.  You don't talk about anyone or anything but what's going on inside your head at that particular moment, and similarly, as you're engaging with your Silas, you do likewise.  You focus on you.

You reach out to your Silas as often as you'd like, and you do so with one goal in mind:  to appease / serve your own self.

Sounds awfully self-centered, doesn't it?

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Stop serving / attempting to serve others within Samson Society!  Take pleasure in, for once, doing / experiencing something that's exclusively for your benefit.  Within this setting, there's nothing to prove, no goals to meet, no reputation to uphold, therefore enjoy yourself as you focus on your recovery.

And remember, that your recovery benefits those you love outside of Samson Society, therefore by being as self-focused as you need to be within our community, you're actually serving them.

Pray For The Waller Family

Typically, rejection is the greatest fear facing men, but for men who choose to run for political office, they must choose to put those specific fears aside.

When I was a boy, my family attended FBC Jackson every Sunday, and many Sunday mornings, Bob, Darlene, and I would sit directly behind the Waller family.  Mrs. Waller (Don's mother) typically came to church with a hibiscus bloom pinned to her blouse (if it were this time of year).  I remember this because back in the '80s is when churches began having formal "greeting time" during the service, and First Baptist was no different.  Ms. Waller would always turn around and say hello, and I'd comment on the beauty of her hibiscus bloom - moreso to be a know-it-all kid than anything else.  She would always smile back at me politely prior to acknowledging the frivolities of my botanical knowledge.  I loved it! 

Fast forward to 2014 and Rob's in over his head via deep emotional trauma, and subsequently ends up in Mrs. Waller's son's office at Summit Counseling.  From there, I attend her son's "group" that following Wednesday night, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Each of you has a personal story as to how you came to know Don Waller intimately, though none of you likely have a similar tangential connection to his family as I do.

Nonetheless, I know you care about Don and by association, his family, therefore on behalf of the Waller clan, especially over the next 30 days, be in prayer.

Prayer for God's will.  Prayer for peace.  Prayer for endurance.  Prayer for solidarity.  And of course, pray for courage.  

Top photo looks to be in the spirit of Samson Society.
Governor Waller had great hair.

Taken during first Samson Society retreat - late Spring of 2016.

Fun at Andrew's abode.

Learning To Enjoy The Stink Of Manly BO

Here in America, most men bathe daily.  For me, I do it in the morning, though I know some men choose to do so before bed.  I prefer mornings because I do not like to feel the oily buildup on my skin later in the day.  For whatever reason, it reminds me of the fact that I didn't actually bathe that actual day and this really grates on my nerves.

If I run and subsequently sweat - even just a little, I typically will rinse off with the hose on the patio.  Again, I'm working towards not feeling sticky, oily, salty.  Dirty.

Immediately following my daily shower, I put on deodorant.  I use one particular brand that works well for me.  I can remember whilst a teen, using a brand that only came in a cream.  It was what I came to know firstly relative to the necessity of deodorant, and boy was it a lot of trouble to deal with.  On hot, humid summer days, it took close to 1/2 an hour for the cream to dry under my arms.  And as you might imagine, this was and felt incredibly gross as I headed off to school.

For a number of years now, I've been trimming my underarm hair, keeping it very close cut to my skin.  I do this because it promotes that feeling of cleanliness (I have loads of armpit hair which I don't appreciate in the least).

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We've all run across men who stink of body odor.  And this is tough to deal with because everyone mostly expects people to not smell at all unless it's a pleasant smell.  There's like an unwritten rule regarding this.

Oftentimes, if you visit nursing homes, you'll find that the residents stink.  This is because they're not adept any longer at bathing, therefore they choose not to.  Obviously, if you go any number of days without bathing, you're going to start smelling ripe.

But where, overall, do we clean up for the most?

Church.

Even moreso than work, I would argue.

Church demands extra deodorant with a little cologne too.

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What is Samson Society?

It's a weekly meeting of Christian men who're willingly exposing their stink to everyone else there.  They talk authentically about their marriage, children, vocation, their struggles with fear, anger, lust, anxiety, sexuality, and on and on, and they allow the portion of themselves which consistently stays well hidden (deodorized) to be exposed.

It's as simple an analogy as that.

Now, when you first step into a Samson Society meeting, you're likely going to be somewhat repulsed by the stench.  We men hide so much of our true selves that it's become more of a reality to us than actual reality.  Therefore, as a newbie, you need to be steady and not become intimidated by the stink.

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Back in 2012, my best friend and I signed up to compete in the 5k Warrior Dash right outside of Jackson.  This friend was arguably my first Silas despite the fact that neither of us knew anything about Samson Society at the time.  Unfortunately, the race was only run by me as my friend chose to bail.  My dad was kind enough to accompany me to the site, and I did compete on that very cool spring morning.

Upon completion, I was an absolute mess, covered in mud and filth all over.  The greatest disappointment I had was not having my friend there to similarly be covered in muck alongside Rob.  I have to admit that it almost seemed sacrilege to be there competing without him by my side.

When you're involved in Samson Society, it's routine to run through the mud, but you do it together.  And yes, from start to finish (in heaven) , you do smell pretty awful.

Come join us!  It makes our deodorized life so much easier to live.

Christianity Isn't About Being Caught In Your Sin; It's About Being Released From Depravity (& Subsequently Being Able to Take a Whole Lotta Crap)

You are to be transformed in Christ.

That's the point of Christianity.

And in doing so, become like him.

Who is Jesus Christ?

So strong.

So resilient.

So humble.

So much of a servant.

Strong enough to die for men who despised him and all he stood for.

All the while, hating religion and the religious leadership.

Embracing others' pain yet never minimizing his own.

"Strike me instead!"

This was his love for humanity.

As Christians, that same love lives within us.

Therefore, we're no longer our own, and life becomes all about pointing everyone around us towards Christ through our words, our actions, and - most importantly - our motives.

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What does this look like?

It means we're loyal to a fault to Christ-honoring good works.  We give every ounce of ourselves to be used by God.  Our focus is on what we're called to do for others, expecting nothing in response except being asked for more.  And our attitudes are reflective of our being cognizant of the grace that's been / being bestowed on us.

Also, we're expected to suffer, often to be abandoned and many times demonized.  Our motives questioned, our goodness and blessings envied, and ultimately, our lives targeted for execution by Satan and all of his many demons.

This is following Christ.  It inundates every part of our lives - vocation, friendships, marriage, rearing children, volunteer work and so forth.  And it will likely make our life exceedingly hard via our own disappointments and unfaithfulness as well as the disappointments and unfaithfulness brought on by others.

So why would anyone wish to take part in this transformation?

Faith in the unseen.  Faith which is of God.  Imbued within us.  That cannot be ignored, wished, or rationalized away.  Faith which firstly serves to expose us to our sin prior to giving us the ability to reach towards our Savior.

This is why Christians are some of the weirdest, seemingly weakest / most close-minded people on Earth.  And this makes them easy to spot, hate, and take advantage of.  Which they expect.

The Depressing Pragmatics of Casual Sex

I recently read an interesting (at least to me) statistic.  Individuals who sport tattoos are more likely to be involved in more casual sex than those of us who are ink-free.

The mainstreaming of tattoos over the past decade has left me awestruck.  Literally.  It's especially noticeable whilst working out at the Y / swimming at the pool, beach.  Hence, my interest in that stat.

I really enjoy talking / writing about sex, but I've only had sex with one other human being.  Angie.  I joke around with Samson men that a healthy marriage bed is one where intercourse occurs nightly, but in actuality, that's completely unrealistic.

On the first day of my second job at a local architecture firm, one of my bosses kindly took me on a first-day, "welcome to the fold" lunch.  A number of colleagues accompanied us, and one in particular made the comment to me that year one (and two) of marriage sex should be tracked as follows:  Put an empty jar on the nightstand, immediately following the honeymoon, adjacent to the marriage bed, and drop a toothpick into it symbolically each time intercourse occurs throughout year one.  Conversely, remove a toothpick during year two after exhaling via marriage sex satisfaction.

In summary, he stated that you'll never remove all of the toothpicks within year two that you put into the jar during year one due to the fact that the frequency of marriage sex inevitably declines.

This truth unfortunately can serve as fuel for casual sex, which in the case of an existing marriage, qualifies as adultery.

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So, what is casual sex?

It's sexual activity that's outside of God's will.  But here, I'm referring exclusively to that which occurs physically (not simply within fantasy).

I've had one friend over the years who embraced casual sex as routine.  He was married, but his marriage bed was only (during that season) used for sleeping.  I remember being shocked at how persistent he was at seduction and nonchalant relative to the physical outcomes.  He lived far, far away from Mississippi, therefore I felt at ease knowing our friendship was only cultivatable electronically.

There were two things that stayed with me (which he shared openly) regarding his experiences with casual sex.

1.  Casual sex is often nothing more than pity sex.

Pity sex is close in line to engaging with a prostitute.  It's more of a transaction than anything else.  Terribly, terribly cheap.

2.  Casual sex involves 2 distinct individuals, both of which have expectations regarding the sexual experience.

Again, think of it more as a transaction, not unlike a cross pollinating prostitution experience, but more often than not, both sexual expectations aren't equally met.  In other words, someone gets the short end of the stick.

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Our culture, especially fueled by video entertainment, equates casual sexual experiences as altogether healthy / helpful to humanity, and therefore through this myth, we're tricked into believing what we see onscreen.  This hedonistic pursuit of sexual activity that puts horniness in the same category as hungry or bored.

Do you recall the first casual sex scene (or any visual depiction of sex onscreen within a mainstream video entertainment production) you screened?  It was pretty hot looking, wasn't it?  Made you kind of entranced, didn't it?  And, never did either item 1 or 2 listed above become realized within these productions, did it?  Why?

Because reality typically sucks when it comes to casual sex and its fallout, and this is why Scripture is clear as to why it should be avoided outright.
 

Laying Together = Praying Together

Husbands tend to be the seducers.  That's why it's so critical for boyfriends to keep their hands off whilst dating.  We have a knack for urging a woman to round the bases with us due to how we're wired as the aggressors.  Plus, virgin women's bodies are VERY alluring to us.  Of course, much about them (hips, breasts, back) is soft and curvaceous which is the complete opposite to how we men are built.

The same seduction concept applies relative to leading a wife spirituality, in particular as it relates to the spiritual discipline of prayer.

Oftentimes, frequency of intercourse lessens when the husband determines another means to "say Amen with his junk".  Too, Internet pornography can become a slippery slope in that regard.  Add to that the reality that wives often work outside the home, become mothers.  Hence, despite their having less energy to begin with, they're often saddled with many more responsibilities than their husbands.  All of this creates a perfect storm for sexual / spiritual neglect.

Praying together should occur with the same frequency as intercourse.  Not necessarily within the same setting but equally as frequent.  And yes, over time, both are susceptible to being scheduled out of most anyone's marriage.

Why should prayer be exercised with the same frequency as intercourse within marriage?

They're the same act in many regards in terms of the level of vulnerability, concentration / intentional one on one time together needed.  Therefore, both acts celebrate marriage - husband + wife.

When you're married, having intercourse with someone other than your spouse is forbidden.  Now, you might pray with someone of the same sex (friend), but it would for sure be out of bounds to pray with someone of the opposite sex.  Awk-ward.

Based on my very unscientific research, most husbands abhor praying with their wives, but love the idea of performing oral sex on her any day of the week (unless she's menstruating, of course) either as part of foreplay to intercourse or to simply provide her with an oral induced orgasm as he observes her body from such a sanctimonious angle.  The notion of said husband being allowed between his wife's legs, that symbolism of submission and so forth absolutely resonates with his masculinity!

As Christian men, there's something wrong with this picture.  To pray with your wife should be no less captivating than performing cunnilingus.

Keep this in mind:  At some point in the future, if you're wife's health falters, and her ability to continue forward with the sexual narrative you two have established over the course of your marriage suffers, there may very well be no sexual recourse for you going forward unless you choose to abandon her.  And this essentially will serve as a massive breach of your marriage vows.  Remember "To Death Do Us Part."?

Why not invest with similar abandon in praying together now, just in case your libido flies out the window next month?

Like sexual activity, praying together can happen spur of the moment or be calendared.  Your choice.  And also like sexual activity, it can be quick or drawn out.  Too, there are numerous positions of prayer that can be explored.  Think of it as motionless Kama Sutra.

Husbands, here is your assignment to get this kick started:

1.  Both you and your wife sit down on the loveseat / couch together.
2.5.  Both of you naked.  (Literally in your birthday suits.)
3.  Hold hands.
3.5.  Close your eyes.  (This is important.)
4.  Each of you ask the other - "How can I pray for you?"
5.  Husband pray.  Wife pray.  (Or vice versa.)
6.  From there, let the Spirit move you.

Always remember:  Laying Together = Praying Together.  They're equal in what they symbolize / accomplish, therefore participate in both with equal abandon.

Prayer is just as intense, just as appropriate, just as honoring of what your marriage represents within God's eyes as a powerful lay.

My hope is that you get praid tonight!