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"Too Much..." - JR Everhart

In an effort to continually address my self-focused tendencies, I’ve had to look in the mirror and face some very hard truths about myself.  I am A LOT… really too much for most people.  I’m a huge personality / commanding presence, and many times, I say too much or over share my struggles and failures.  Sadly, this can sometimes leave the wrong impression on people about who I truly am.  Weakness is defined by our culture as not being strong enough to be self-sufficient.  Strength is often times measured by our ability to keep our warts hidden.  As such, in my opinion, this is why the world is so very messed up.  We’ve isolated ourselves inside of toxic self-sufficiency, to the point of becoming over reliant on our many insecure attachments, therefore we have very little confidence in our ability to be loved on a real and genuine level.  To be more specific, the bigger your personality, the more people very well may see you as weak or empty.  When in reality, we’re simply desperate to be heard, and therefore connect with people that might be able to empathize with our shortcomings / pain.  Most cannot, making for a struggle to know who / where those people are. 

This gives birth to textbook self-absorbedness.  Subconsciously, we turn inward when we’re not heard and essentially become people who take for themselves to feel alive.  Let me describe it this way:  The kid who has a warm loving connection with his parents has no problem sharing his toys on the playground of life.  He gives and shares without thought.  But the kid with insecure attachment due to an emotionally unavailable parent (or otherwise) has real problems sharing his toys, and as such, will sometimes bully the other kids on the playground before stealing their toys for himself.  We, as adults, do the same thing with our "playthings" (our emotions). 

I’ve spent the last ten years trying to unravel this type of behavior and lament the loss of relationships I’ve destroyed over such emotional fallout.  I regret it with everything within me, and if I’m not careful, will allow this regret to fuel self-hatred, believing I will never have a healthy relationship with anyone (particularly a romantic one).  There’s no worse punishment to one who's self-focused than being cut off and ignored (which only feeds the insecure attachment paradigm that created all this mess in the first place).  It’s a psychotic circle, I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy! 

But there is hope! Once I started learning the principles of being an actor instead of a re-actor to the world around me, I slowly started to unravel my self-absorbed tendencies.  It’s taught me to wait before talking or reacting to things.  To ask myself if this situation is worth the effort of investing my emotions into.  So far, I've discovered that most of the time it is not.  I’ve learned that not every hill is worth dying on.  

All that said, I still feel like I’m too much most of the time.  Some of this will probably never go away due to be being my own worst critic.  But at least I have measurable progress and that gives me hope to keep marching forward, not listening to the lies of failure the enemy enjoys whispering to me every day.  The light of the gospel shines bright in the darkness of his accusations.  Accusations that are a distortion, only to be pulverized via the blood of my risen savior, Jesus.  Thankfully, I serve a too much God.  So, he has no problem welcoming me into his house at my prepared place there at his table.  Glory! 

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"Never Enough" - JR Everhart

My life is a constant battle against the lies of the enemy.  Here are just a few…“You’re never going to find love again, you’re far too broken and polluted by your struggles for any woman to ever put up with, or much less love…” or things like “Gods never going to use you, and if he did you would only embarrass yourself and the Christian name when people find out your sexual sins…” oh and let’s not forget my all-time favorite one, “You serve no purpose, you have no value, and no one would ever miss you if you died tomorrow.  Why wait?  Freedom from this world's disappointment and struggle is one trigger pull away…”  I've been hearing that one since my mid-teens… Presently, I’m 50 years old. 

So many times, my sin and reckless behavior seem to support these lies.  The enemy knows this, that’s what makes them so effective and dangerous.  I don’t live my life close to God's throne for just educational purposes, I also press into his word and heart to quiet the lies in my head.  The only time I can’t hear them is when I’m in his presence, meditating on his words or listening to Christian music that speaks of Godly brokenness.  As such, in our world of pagan self-sufficiency, I am solely 100% dependent on the grace and mercy I’ve only experienced within my relationship with my Heavenly Father and his loving son Jesus Christ. 

Nowhere else can I experience unconditional love and acceptance as I do when I’m in the presence of God.  In this world, I’m never enough… never smart enough, handsome enough, good enough, or loving enough.  But in his presence, I’m always enough.  No matter how beat, battered, or lost in complete failure I am, he always welcomes me in to sit down and converse about all that's surfacing within me.  He always challenges me to be better, and more disciplined but with a heavenly kindness that can only be described as a warm, loving mother warning her son to stay away from the hot stove while she’s cooking.  She places her hand on her child’s cheek and speaks with words of affirmation, then kisses his forehead and sends him away to play in the next room.  The child has no fear because he always knows mom is just in the next room ready to run to his rescue and calm his every fear and anxiety.  I never had a mother like that, or a father like that.  My parents were far too broken from their own childhood trauma to be able to connect with any of us 12 kids on such a vulnerable level.  But they did their best, yet it was a mess.  But in God's presence amongst his healing and restoration, there’s peace and acceptance that we will never know during this life otherwise. 

It took awhile for me, during my recovery walk, to separate the dysfunction of my earthly father from my loving, emotionally available Heavenly Father.  Even more so, it took even longer for me to stop molding God into an image of my own shaping versus me choosing to be molded into his.  We live in a world where everyone sees themselves as their own God, and the knowledge of good and evil feeds our pride in thinking we can dictate justice within our lives far better than our Heavenly Father can.  That's the original sin, alive and well in the hearts of the sons and daughters or Adam and Eve (us).  This pathway is founded on insanity - with our definitions of good and evil - changing from day to day.  Ultimately, this creates the perfectionist's paradigm that only leads to never feeling like we are enough.  And the enemy uses our own lies against us, bearing witness with our fleshly desires to condemn us to a failure-focused life.  Never able to come up for air and experience the truth of the gospel’s message of hope without getting lost in its uncomfortable confrontation with our ego.  I’ve been a Christian since 1994, and still fight, most days, the justification of sin (rebellion) in my life.  I too can easily fall right back into becoming my own god and reimagining the God of heaven in my own image, thereby essentially rewriting the gospel truth to fit my lifestyle.  But then again “I’m never enough to rightfully divide the word of God…” and so the battle rages on…

The Volunteer Group Catch-22

Catch 22:  A dilemma or difficult circumstance from which there is no escape because of mutually conflicting or dependent conditions.

I've been involved in volunteer organizations throughout my life.  Starting with First Baptist Church Jackson, back in the '80s, I was a consistent youth group member.  I served vocally (Youth Choir / Ensemble) and showed up for most every retreat, Disciple Now!, and Bible study that I reasonably could.  I did this because I was a new Christian, and I craved discipleship and youth worship.  

As a teen, this experience quickly taught me that I had to make a choice relative to annoying people (youth or adults).  I could either 1) choose to tolerate them, 2) tolerate them and talk bad about them behind their back, or 3) simply walk away from youth group (stop attending).  I tried hard to choose the former, and I believe I did so because it seemed pointless - & out of line with God's will - to choose otherwise.

I didn't dabble much in volunteer orgs during college (MSU's the Maroon Band notwithstanding), but eventually, post-graduation, I did dabble in a "young architects" version of the American Institute of Architects, join Young Business Leaders here in Jackson and continue forward with church attendance.  From there, I've been involved in our 'hood's homeowners' association as a board / committee member for many years, and on and on.

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As we age, we're more easily annoyed by others.  This is an undisputed claim.  Everyone, for the most part, falls in line with that statement, though there're some unusual exceptions (these are truly exceptional people).

Why is this?

A lot of it has to do with reduced patience, but much of it is centered on our inability to truly be curious (as we once were).

Innate curiosity peaks when we're young.  Children are curious about everything and everyone (even annoying people so long as they're not too intimidating).

Children too recognize their own annoying tendencies.  As we age, we're much less adept at this.  As such, we become comfortable with our own sense of "settled perfection".

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So, what does it mean to be annoying?

Annoying:  causing irritation or annoyance

So often, annoying people behave in ways that are just similar enough for us to recognize, but almost within a wholly distinct language (temperament / attitude) of their own.  We then take a bit of offense (we believe our way is best) to this, and from there, find ourselves irritated by their sloppiness, stupidity, immaturity, etc.

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All of this points me to Samson Society.  Again, one of those volunteer organizations that's filled with all manner of guys relative to backgrounds, location, faith, pedigree, nationality, educational background, sexuality, professional credentials (or lack thereof), marital status, parental status, demographic, vocation, personality, temperament and on and on.

Lots of opportunity to become annoyed with someone due to diversity alone.  Don't you think?

Whether it's whilst rubbing shoulders during a Samson Society meeting (face-to-face or virtual), retreat (National or Intensive), Slack posts, video messaging service, etc.

So, what're your options?

Same ones I had back during my time in youth group at First Baptist Church Jackson.

Remember, whilst making your choice, that the latter two are exactly in line with what Satan hopes for.

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We've talked about gossip here prior, but not so much making a discreet exit from Samson Society (or other parachurch men's orgs) due to annoyance.  

If you attend multiple (3+) Samson Society National Retreats, you'll see ghosts everywhere.  It's disturbing.  Proving that so many men simply don't stick around for longer than a handful of years.  As such, I would argue annoyance plays a factor therein.

Therefore, what can we do as Samson men to combat annoyance?

-  Distance yourself from the annoyers to the best of your ability (remember, Samson Society is a BIG place).

-  Pray for the annoyer(s).

-  Let go of your "list of grievances" that you've amassed against the annoyer (wipe your slate clean) & choose to put down your pen.  

-  Take a hard look at your "curiosity quotient", and if it's "in the negative", ask yourself why.  The last thing Samson needs is an(other) ornery old man.