My life is a constant battle against the lies of the enemy. Here are just a few…“You’re never going to find love again, you’re far too broken and polluted by your struggles for any woman to ever put up with, or much less love…” or things like “Gods never going to use you, and if he did you would only embarrass yourself and the Christian name when people find out your sexual sins…” oh and let’s not forget my all-time favorite one, “You serve no purpose, you have no value, and no one would ever miss you if you died tomorrow. Why wait? Freedom from this world's disappointment and struggle is one trigger pull away…” I've been hearing that one since my mid-teens… Presently, I’m 50 years old.
So many times, my sin and reckless behavior seem to support these lies. The enemy knows this, that’s what makes them so effective and dangerous. I don’t live my life close to God's throne for just educational purposes, I also press into his word and heart to quiet the lies in my head. The only time I can’t hear them is when I’m in his presence, meditating on his words or listening to Christian music that speaks of Godly brokenness. As such, in our world of pagan self-sufficiency, I am solely 100% dependent on the grace and mercy I’ve only experienced within my relationship with my Heavenly Father and his loving son Jesus Christ.
Nowhere else can I experience unconditional love and acceptance as I do when I’m in the presence of God. In this world, I’m never enough… never smart enough, handsome enough, good enough, or loving enough. But in his presence, I’m always enough. No matter how beat, battered, or lost in complete failure I am, he always welcomes me in to sit down and converse about all that's surfacing within me. He always challenges me to be better, and more disciplined but with a heavenly kindness that can only be described as a warm, loving mother warning her son to stay away from the hot stove while she’s cooking. She places her hand on her child’s cheek and speaks with words of affirmation, then kisses his forehead and sends him away to play in the next room. The child has no fear because he always knows mom is just in the next room ready to run to his rescue and calm his every fear and anxiety. I never had a mother like that, or a father like that. My parents were far too broken from their own childhood trauma to be able to connect with any of us 12 kids on such a vulnerable level. But they did their best, yet it was a mess. But in God's presence amongst his healing and restoration, there’s peace and acceptance that we will never know during this life otherwise.
It took awhile for me, during my recovery walk, to separate the dysfunction of my earthly father from my loving, emotionally available Heavenly Father. Even more so, it took even longer for me to stop molding God into an image of my own shaping versus me choosing to be molded into his. We live in a world where everyone sees themselves as their own God, and the knowledge of good and evil feeds our pride in thinking we can dictate justice within our lives far better than our Heavenly Father can. That's the original sin, alive and well in the hearts of the sons and daughters or Adam and Eve (us). This pathway is founded on insanity - with our definitions of good and evil - changing from day to day. Ultimately, this creates the perfectionist's paradigm that only leads to never feeling like we are enough. And the enemy uses our own lies against us, bearing witness with our fleshly desires to condemn us to a failure-focused life. Never able to come up for air and experience the truth of the gospel’s message of hope without getting lost in its uncomfortable confrontation with our ego. I’ve been a Christian since 1994, and still fight, most days, the justification of sin (rebellion) in my life. I too can easily fall right back into becoming my own god and reimagining the God of heaven in my own image, thereby essentially rewriting the gospel truth to fit my lifestyle. But then again “I’m never enough to rightfully divide the word of God…” and so the battle rages on…
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