January 2023 "No Bull Briefing"

 

THE NO BULL BRIEFING - January 2023

Celebrate 10 Years of National Samson Gatherings with the Samson Summit! In celebration of our tenth national event, Samson Society is throwing a party in Texas with The Place We Find Ourselves podcast host Adam Young.  Adam is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) with Master degrees in Social Work (Virginia Commonwealth University) and Divinity (Emory University). He currently serves as a Fellow with The Allender Center, and his approach to therapy has been shaped primarily by Dan Allender, Daniel Siegel, Allan Schore, Pat Ogden, and Bessel van der Kolk. LEARN MORE New Samson Swag Available! Light an inspirational candle while you listen to the latest Pirate Monk Podcast on your Samson earbuds before journaling about walking the path of recovery. All possible with items now available in the Samson Swag Store. CHECK IT OUT A Week-Long Traveling Retreat in England Recovery is not a solo activity, nor is it merely a mental one. This retreat is an opportunity for 10 men to walk together for an entire week along ancient paths in rural England, forming bonds, facing challenges, sharing meals and personal experiences.  In the process we will work our way through all seven stages of the Samson Society’s Path, taking time for deliberate work at each stage.    Space is limited to the first ten men to register. LEARN MORE Meeting Host & Co-Host Virtual Training Do you host or sub a Samson Society meeting? If so, you are invited to join us for a special virtual training session on Saturday, February 4. Whether you facilitate an in-person or virtual meeting, this FREE training with TrueFace President & CEO Robby Angle will dive into what it means to have the heart of a leader and how you, as the meeting host, can confidently take the community of men who attend the meeting to a deeper, more fulfilling level.  REGISTER Support Your Partner's Healing Journey Invite your wife to attend this year's Sarah Society retreat featuring Fight for Love Ministries founder and podcast host Rosie Makinney. This weekend of soul restoration and encouragement occurs April 14-16, 2023, in Nunnelly, Tennessee at a private lodge. LEARN MORE Thank You for Your Generosity! Thanks to your generosity during our end-of-year matching gift fundraiser we smashed our goal of $50,000! Here's a Pirate Monk fist bump for you! Are You a Recovery Coach? Let Us Know! As the Samson Society continues to grow, we are committed to helping men reach higher levels of healing in their journey of recovery. We are wanting to create an in-house directory of recovery coaches for Samson men to use as they seek deeper insight into the barriers and obstacles keeping them from finding freedom. If you are a licensed recovery coach, please let us know. Email us your contact information, credential information, and any other information such as specialized areas of focus you would like included in this directory. I Thought of You Today: A Note to Your Silas/Silee By Andrew As the day begins, the sun rising above the horizon, the first rays of sunlight brightening the dawning sky, I thought of you today. You, who are you? You the one who lives in a far away land, so far that when I climb upon the highest hill and there I stand, the only thing of you I see is the invisible heart of a man whose friendship and love I desperately need. What else is there of you? What do I not know? What should I know as you too, stand on that distant hill looking my way, wondering the same? What else is there of you? This I know. I wish we stood on closer hills so that in the distance you could see me walking towards you and you the same. In that moment of time we would know, we would see the prospect of time that would bring us together for the renewal of our brotherhood, a kinship born of life’s circumstances. As I would begin my walk towards the closer hill, my heart would quicken in anticipation. Upon meeting, the questions would continue to be answered one by one, the question, “What else is there of you that you desire to share of yourself?” We would sit. We would talk. We would stroll through the overgrown path that one once thought of as the one less traveled. It is here that we can ever so carefully unwrap the delicate parts of our hearts that are protected due to past hurts. Upon entering the clearing of the path less traveled we would find that there is nothing more to ask when questioned, “What else is there of you?” because the time spent sharing our heart, the private, sacred parts of our hearts would have been unveiled to one another. It is here that the life’s roadmap designed by God, would have allowed us each to expose the pain but also, I would like to interject, the beauty that we find in life, in our relationship. So now that the rays of sunlight fill the sky and the busyness of life carries many to and fro, oblivious to others’ wants and needs, I want to stop long enough to tell you that I thought of you today. December 2022 Meeting Host & Sub Winner Thank you Jamey Bennett for hosting the in-person Samson Society of Boca meeting! We would like to give you a one-time 25% discount in the Samson merch store as a thank you for donating your time and talents! Please check your email inbox for your discount code. Each month we will draw one name, so be sure to complete the host form online every time you host or sub a meeting to be entered in to the drawing. You receive one entry for each time you host or sub during the month. Regional Retreat Opportunities Planning a regional Samson retreat? Let us know at samsonhouseoffice@gmail.com or drop it on the #upcoming_event channel on Slack so we can help you spread the word! Monthly Resource Corner Each month, Samson Society will promote a resource that you may find helpful on your journey. Feel free to share any podcast episodes, blog posts, books, or documentaries that you find enlightening!  Some of us may be able to pinpoint moments where we experienced harm in our formative years. Others of us may say: “My parents were just doing the best they could,” or “My upbringing wasn’t so bad compared to others’.” The truth is: We have all experienced hurt, abandonment, or disappointment at the hands of our parents or caretakers, whether it was intentional or not. So much of our beauty and brokenness — so much of what makes us human — is tied to our family of origin.  How do we begin to engage with the harm we endured? Are we dishonoring our father and mother if we name the hurt we experienced growing up? Should we just “let it go?” Furthermore, how do we engage the ways in which our families of origin have influenced our stories today? Are we doomed to repeat past patterns in our own lives, our children’s lives, and with future generations? Join Dr. Dan Allender and Adam Young, LCSW, MDiv, as they discuss the often-unaddressed burdens that adult children bear, how to engage the stories of the past with honor and grace, and how to find relief in order to step into the freedom that God has called us to in our own stories. WHEN: Thursday, February 23 (Lifetime Access to Recording) COST: $49 REGISTER Connect with us on social media!

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Recommended Reading

 What I Wish I Knew Before I Turned 40, According to 12 Men (fatherly.com)

Who Should You Share The Gospel With In 2023?

 The Toughest Conversation I Don’t Regret (thegospelcoalition.org)

Find A Way To Exploit Hope(fulness) As A Means To Strengthen Your Resolve To Choose Something Other Than Porn

My favorite attribute of my oldest daughter is her choosing to be hopeful.  She's wired opportunistically / positively, and it's infectious, and this certainly points her in the direction of her forecasting to be as such.  When you first meet her, her positive wiring might come across as trite, but it doesn't take long to realize that she's working her grey matter towards being a genuinely hopeful young lady.

This has worked in her favor relationally as a college student, particularly as it pertains to accruing friends.  Her cohorts gravitate therein in response to her more (seemingly) adult-like point-of-view (versus the stereotypical pessimistic adolescent).

Our other two daughters are optimists too, though it's most pronounced within our youngest (middle schooler).  As such, she's quite the anomaly as a tweenager (having become somewhat of an outlier as a result).   

Overall, I'm firmly resolved to thank God for their positive bents versus one that leans negative / pessimistic.  That being said, keep in mind that I'm biased in this regard for I too am an overall opportunistic / positive individual.  And you can blame my parents for this (they modeled it / passed it down).

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A handful of Samson guys that I / I've regularly chat(ted) with aren't the optimistic-types.  I actually find this refreshing and uniquely contrastive.  But what I am beginning to observe is how demanding their temperament can be relative to them compulsively turning to lust to emotionally placate / regulate.   

For an example, I offer the following (this scenario is based on hearsay):  Negative feelings encroach in response to doing some run-of-the-mill (psychological) assessment work and from there, reflexively - compulsive sexual sin pacifiers are feverishly grasped at.  

This is just one example of a negative (temperament) feedback loop.  And frankly, I do believe it's quite a tough one to rewire, particularly as a loner. 

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All this begs the question:  Can a melancholy Samson guy counteract this temperament?  More specifically, can he rebel against his emotional instincts long enough for him to choose to drawdown the necessary hope to directly combat his circumstantial kneejerk lustfix?  And can this leeching be sustained rhythmically enough - over time - for him to remove himself out his fatalistic rut?

Inquiring Samson minds want to know... 

Let's make an attempt at defining what hope is firstly before speculating further.

Hope is a feeling that's earned via intellect (mindfulness, if you will).  As such, I believe, it's much harder for dumbass people to experience it in droves.  Intellect powers sharp memories (both good and bad).  Memory is key to feeling hopeful as it serves as a framework relative to the (potential - in tandem with or opposite to) future.  

Compulsive behaviors such as drug / porn use "clog" / "cloud" the brain's synapses (proper thinking ability), and this is akin to making a person dillweed-like.  Therein, they lose their proper framework (smarts).

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Here's a specific example of how drug-use can steal one's ability to instinctively choose hope.

In 2012, a prominent local (Jackson Metro) attorney's son committed suicide.  Now, you must know that I have no reason to not believe wholeheartedly that this boy was also akin to choosing hope (sprungboard off of a positive mindset) as much or more as my aforementioned oldest daughter.  He was one of three boys, but unfortunately, he'd turned to both selling and using drugs whilst living / working out west (gap year post high school).  His prominent parents, in response to his heart-rending death, chose to take part in a speaking tour where they read his suicide note, indirectly warning audiences across the region of the dangers of drug use (whilst beautifully interweaving "Armor of God" scripture).  It was massively courageous on their part to give so freely out of their pain and suffering.

Thank you Taggarts!  (Some of my local heroes of the faith.)

One of the most interesting statements their son made within his suicide note had to do with his pre-suicidal mindset.  He noted the contrast between how drugs had noticeably diminished his intellect (primarily memory) in light of where he had been (pre-drug use).  From there, he renounced any hope of seeing his prior intelligence return.  This fatalistic assumption fostered his hopelessness which led to his suicide.  

And that was pretty much the gist of his hopeless letter.  A letter, again, written by an optimistically tempered, overall positive-minded young man who just happened to make some poor choices relative to drugs.

It's important to note that many professionals believe that chronic porn use can affect the brain similarly, particularly if it's coupled with masturbation.  

And that's what makes it and drug use notoriously difficult to see beyond / out of.  A number of therapist tagline this the "shame cycle".

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Once again:  

All this begs the question:  Can a melancholy Samson guy counteract this temperament?  More specifically, can he rebel against his emotional instincts long enough for him to choose to drawdown the necessary hope to directly combat his circumstantial kneejerk lustfix?  And can this leeching be sustained rhythmically enough - over time - for him to remove himself out his fatalistic rut?

Attraction is key.  Whether you're within an in-patient facility or working through a recovery program like Samson Society.  You must find yourself attracted enough to someone (who's far enough into their own personal sobriety) to trust them with your heart.  From there, their hope can transfer to you, effectively counteracting your persistently hopeless state of mind.  

What might impede this from happening?

-  Sometimes attraction is never given an opportunity because recovery colleagues aren't considered worthwhile enough (up to snuff), or simply the group itself is privately labeled a "freakfest".  

-  Clinical depression has reduced the man's outlook to nothing but intrusive emotional pain.  

What promulgates / perpetuates this attraction process?  

-  Spending time together on a regular basis.

-  Asking really good questions (cross referenced).

All the while being vulnerable.

"Ten Years In" - JR Everhart

In September of ‘22 I celebrated 10 years inside of sex and love addiction recovery.  I’m a different person now than I was 11 years ago.  I’ve overcome so very much in my walk with Jesus.  I’m not constantly stressed out chasing my next orgasm or living a double life.  I have peace and harmony in my life now.  I’ve gone over two years without physical sex in my life ever since my divorce.  I was married to my last sex partner.  It feels surreal in many ways.  I have no idea how I’ve accomplished this.  The last time I was single, I lived a very different life than the one I live now.  In fact, the last year before entering recovery, I had 57 sex partners inside that one 12-month period.  I’ve slept with hundreds of women in my life.  So, when I say I’ve been celibate for the last two years, it carries a truckload of weight in my world. 

But the truth is after ten years of hard work, I still feel as lost at times as I ever have.  It’s so easy to lose sight of what I’ve overcome and only see my failures.  It’s the last 25% that seems so hard to overcome. 

I might white knuckle a week or maybe even two of sexual sobriety from porn here or there, but it’s like a ticking time bomb.  A bomb that I know will eventually explode.  It’s been a constant monkey on my back for longer than I can remember.  I hate it with everything in me.  I just want to flip the switch and never struggle with all this junk ever again.  I’ve sat in meeting after meeting listening to guys make proclamations of freedom in Christ and will never do this or that again.  But it never fails, only months later those same people would be confessing the same junk they swore would never be part of their lives again.  I’m as guilty of this as anyone.  If I had a nickel for every time I deleted my search history, I’d be a millionaire. 

I have major respect for those with long term sobriety from porn and masturbation.  It's something I struggle with everyday, and It’s not because I haven’t tried because I’ve tried everything.  I did make it 9 months once, but I was married to a smoking hot wife at the time and having sex once or twice everyday.  So was that real sobriety or just focusing my addiction toward my wife?  I honestly don’t know…  I know this, there was no divine awakening that happened, and there were still times of massive struggle to not act out.  So here I am ten years in, I’m a better and more mature believer in Christ.  There has been measurable progress.  But I still find myself in habitual sin that I’m very ashamed of.  I still find myself very much in need of a Savior everyday.  Without Christ, there would be no hope of salvation.  So I walk inside the faith that Jesus is enough to save me from myself.  Every other option only leads to more bondage and suffering.  At least the suffering of my current struggles is bearable and not leading me toward deeper levels of death.  My life doesn’t align with most church stereotypes but it’s the only life I know.

I said all that very uncomfortable truth to say this.  I’ve been hungry for freedom from this and praying very hard for God to help change my thinking about these things.  The problem of porn addiction for me is both spiritual and psychological.  The spiritual part is easiest for me because I firmly believe I was made whole when I decided in 1994 to believe that Jesus’ death at Calvary was enough for my sin.  That his resurrection empowers me to change and has broken the yoke of bondage Satan once had on me.  I am free and whole as my Heavenly Father looks at me through the blood of Jesus.  I am righteous through my savior Christ Jesus.  My faith is strong and my convictions solid on the theology of my salvation.  But…psychologically my childhood and environment has hacked my brain and laid before me many layers of dysfunction and toxicity.  There’s no denying the chaos this has caused in my life and the battlefield behind me is full of the dead and wounded I have injured over the decades of my adult life.  For at least 20 years of my adult life, most of those years inside the faith and working in the church, I was secretly lost in the dark carnival of my fleshly desires.  The results of a broken childhood where my abusers brain twisted me into thinking it was only through the pursuit of sexual intensity that I could find love, validation, and acceptance.  I was groomed patiently and enticed into a world of performance-based acceptance and security.  And I was quick to learn that the more I gave of myself to my abusers, the more validation I got from them.  So I submitted to the lie with an innocent heart having no idea what the long-term effects of these things would do to me.  My abuse included torture and every form of intercourse known to mankind.  This went on from age 3 till about 10 or 12.  I was so brain washed that there were times I pursued my abusers always hungry for their attention and fake love.  That has been the hardest part to deal with as an adult.  Part of that little kid wanted to make my abusers happy so they would give me what any normal kid would get from a loving family.  It was very conditional and a rollercoaster of evil manipulation.  But it was my childhood.  I can’t change it.  So why is it any surprise to me that I would grow up to be a narcissistic sexual predator in my own rite?  Sorting through my childhood is one thing, but sorting through the failures I myself caused is another.  It’s been a long hard road, and I’m thankful for where I am, but it only reveals more layers to peel. 

But something happened to me about 4 days ago.  I had a breakthrough in some respects.  I’ve lived the last two years of my life after my divorce just sort of numb and going through the motions of life.  My sobriety has not been as important to me as it once was.  I’m alone now, therefore I ask myself, "Who’s it really hurting?", and besides, it makes me feel some kind of connection even if it’s an unhealthy one.  I’ve dabbled in every form of past addiction behaviors, sort of poking at the bear with a stick, recklessly with no regard for my own well-being.  Thankfully God has kept me from the horrible rabbit holes all of which only lead me downwards. There were even moments where I entertained thoughts of returning to the swingers scene, telling myself “why not…”   From there, the Holy Spirit reminded me of where that lead me last time.  Again, God’s Grace was keeping me from myself.  I’m so grateful for that.  

So here's what happened.  God showed me something about his holy character four days ago that just flipped a switch in my head.  We get so lost in his grace and eternal security that we forget that God is not ok with our sin, and dancing on his mercies is a very dangerous place to live.  I know God loves me, and as long as I’m a firm believer in Jesus, my salvation is secure.  But that doesn’t mean my Heavenly Father is accepting of my habitual sin, because he’s absolutely not.  Grace does not make sin acceptable - in any form.  And we are fools to think that we can live whatever life we want without repercussions.  There are earthly consequences to our behavior that's right here, right now, and too in our future if we don’t align our will with God's. in this regard. Please know that this isn’t meant to be a "turn or burn" statement.  It’s a turn and become whole statement.  God can only work all things towards good in our lives when we are first denying ourselves.  From there, we can follow Jesus.  

I could see how much of a fool I’ve been for years thinking my flesh and Christ's holiness could live in the same house.  I will either obey one and hate the other or love one and turn from the other.  Considering that, I understand that life is messy because I’m a mess.  Nonetheless, I believe I’ve missed the self-control / discipline aspect of this for far too long. 

I cannot do this in my own strength; I can only do it through Christ that strengthens me.  And this isn’t to say that I desire to live a perfect life going forward.  That’s an illusion that will never exist in this world.  But I can put away old things and receive all the new things God has for me.  I’m no idiot; I know overcoming one layer only reveals another.  But at least I can hope for the graduation from these things (detailed above) that have long imprisoned my mind.  Pray for me guys, I’m still trying to unpack it all.  And I may totally relapse tomorrow.  But it just feels different now, and maybe just maybe, this is the breakthrough I’ve been praying for.  So here I am…ten years in and just starting to scratch the surface of real freedom.